tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23658219931763000662024-03-13T13:55:16.388-05:00online therapywanting to purge all of the baggage from my head and my heart into the universe...........tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.comBlogger639125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-23483224045007162732024-01-18T18:23:00.001-06:002024-01-18T18:23:50.132-06:00mindIt's a powerful thing when you're able to control your mind instead of letting your mind control you. <div><br></div><div>I'm continually late to these kinds of parties. I was 40 before I realized what a healthy marriage looked like. My ex inlaws were amazing, so supportive of each other and genuinely enjoyed each other. I knew I did not have that.</div><div><br></div><div>I don't get a visual of how a healthy relationship looks. I hear people use words to describe it but I DON'T KNOW how to identify my feelings. I don't have the words so the words you are saying are foreign to me. </div><div><br></div><div>It's the most impossible thing to train for. I can tell you how an orgasm feels but the way I describe it and the way you describe it are going to be different. It might feel different. I don't know because I cannot crawl into your mind. </div><div><br></div><div>This is what makes mental health so difficult. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-40510489201109351592023-01-19T18:02:00.000-06:002023-01-19T18:02:03.798-06:002022 self<p><br /></p><p>A year ago, in March i walked out of a career that i have spent my entire life succeeding. I just left, filed for leave, deleted and blocked everyone from that world that was no longer in my corner or served my best interest.</p><p>No i had no idea what i was going to do but i knew what i was no longer going to do. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist. I really look at her as my life coach, my biggest cheerleader. She navigated me through the entire 7 months that i would be at home and unemployed for 22. </p><p>I was listening to a podcast today at work. It was all about new year, new you. I am the largest i have ever been in my life. I was halfway listening to her and the reason she caught my attention was because she was so candid about spending her life in corporate america and then being fired. I was intrigued. She is an overachiever, runner, has so many things on her resolution list that i was feeling overwhelmed and it wasnt even my list. She was talking about how you must write things down to be intentional. Then she said that look back at where you were last year at this time and how much had changed. I think i had to hear that at least twice before feeling intuitive. </p><p>Wow, my january 2022 self would never believe where 2023 me is now. </p>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-76616075142490559962023-01-10T20:44:00.000-06:002023-01-10T20:44:08.551-06:00the mask<div dir="ltr">
"Here is the thing about the mask: there is nothing good about it. It can't be fixed, polished, or taught to behave differently."</div>
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Grace for the good girl by Emily P Freeman</div>
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I don't know how to function without the mask<br>
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tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-44643379795643657662023-01-10T20:41:00.002-06:002023-01-19T17:45:13.045-06:00the race Why am I always in such a rush?<div><br /></div><div>This is why I have anxiety. </div><div><br /></div><div>My husband operates at a leisurely pace. Honestly at times, I am jealous as much as annoyed. I am like the road runner. Always in a hurry. </div><div><br /></div><div>A dm told me that I needed to "slow down to speed up". I agreed and carried that for a while. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now I've realized that I just need to slow down. </div><div><br /></div><div>There is no race, except the race we create for ourselves. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have accepted some bad habits into my daily life. I know that when they no longer serve me. I will effortlessly release them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Last night when I was making my dinner plate. I had this revelation <span style="letter-spacing: 0.2px;">that I only need the amount of food on my plate that will make me feel nourished.</span></div><div><br /></div><div>It made me realize how long I've been using food as a crutch to shove down all of those feeling I didn't want to deal with. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have ran for many years. 23 is the year that I learn to stand confidently and courageously in a healthy/supportive environment. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-83659035698460187882022-09-12T00:15:00.002-05:002022-09-12T00:15:35.096-05:00HiIt's been a while.<div><br></div><div>I miss you old friend. </div><div><br></div><div>I needed you.</div><div><br></div><div>I am as lost as ever. </div><div><br></div><div>2020 was something. I think we should reflect on later.</div><div>Covid had an affect similar to 9/11. </div><div><br></div><div>Everyone was on the same playing field. It didn't matter your race, gender, ethnicity, religion.... we were ALL equal. I remember being in my store the Sunday before we shut down. <br></div><div><br></div><div>You could feel the seriousness in the air but with the lack of elitism. Covid didn't care if you were rich or poor; popular or not... it was like a tornado. It would hit your neighbors house and miss yours. </div><div><br></div><div>It was the unknown. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-10341274350074886612021-01-19T19:13:00.001-06:002021-01-19T19:13:53.236-06:00turn key<p>i sat there today in the chair that belonged to my grandmother that my mother sat in at her dying mother's bedside. </p><p>this chair is in my foyer because i have plumbing issues that no one wants to fix. i cant help but feel as though this symbolic of my life.</p><p>i texted my bff as i told her that i count the minutes until 5 so that i can feel something different. </p><p>i texted my sister and asked if she thought that our father looked back at his life and think what an amazing job he did with his children? her reply was "ha". i replied with i am sure that he looks at us an ungrateful bastards. she said that she thought that we turned out to be good people despite his insanity and neglect.</p><p>i feel as though everything is overwhelming. </p><p>my boss, my leader, my mentor was let go last week. a new normal with the covid. it was all so sad. he didnt even get a chance to say goodbye even though he fiercely fought to do so. i think this was just the needle to the haystack of the continuous bad luck we call 2020.</p><p>my bff called me and said "wtf, that was deep". she is my new sanity. </p><p>i am grateful for such an amazing husband that doesnt take it personally when i turn to someone else to heal the pain. </p><p>she told me that she had been dating a guy. the chiropractor we call him. his dad was a neuro surgeon. his parents had money but they had chores. they built the deck on their back porch. he is divorced with children. he lives in a huge nice home. he is renovating the house next to his.</p><p>she said they were having a conversation and he said he liked "turn key". i am not sure that he meant anything other that the obvious but we took it to mean something so much deeper. </p><p>my bff is a bad ass, she drives a challenger in which she calls charlie. she likes vintage. she has grandma sweaters that are itchy and unique. </p><p>we decided that neither one of us are turn key but she is way cooler than i will ever be</p>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-21174833161186769942020-10-09T12:33:00.001-05:002020-10-09T12:33:08.927-05:00lobotomy It's been a week<div><br></div><div>I am taking time off. I wish my brain would have received that notification. </div><div><br></div><div>I did my usual dog dance this morning. Gracie and marley go out then I let them in only for samson to decide he wants to go out. It really irritates me these days. I have no patience for them and it makes me feel even sadder. </div><div><br></div><div>I sit here this afternoon listening to my husband sleep, my dogs snore, and the fan. It's the tranquility that I try to breathe in deeply so it might permeate my brain. </div><div><br></div><div>I watched a tiktok this morning while the dogs did their dance. It's called dad advice. He said worrying is paying interest on a day that hasn't even come. It calmed me.</div><div><br></div><div>My heart hurts so much. My emotions taking away all of my energy that I now i sit looking permanently stoned.</div><div><br></div><div>I had a man tell me to get off my anxiety medicine but I am scared that I will not be brave or strong enough to overcome the thoughts and emotions and I might just give myself a lobotomy. </div><div><br></div><div>I feel for anyone and everyone in my life. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-10576665253240336612020-09-03T14:23:00.001-05:002020-09-03T14:23:42.802-05:00hopefully Quarantine. I meant to write a lot.....<div><br></div><div>I just watched a lady see her grandma for the 1st time on tiktok. Her son was picking up either the daughter or son from the airport but grandma didn't know the baby was in the car.</div><div><br></div><div>He told her that she needed to come outside because he had been involved in a hit and run. She was so sweet, saying it was okay and it could be fixed. </div><div><br></div><div>The amount of love from that mom about her son and seeing the baby was heart warming. </div><div><br></div><div>The baby was so perfect. Happy. Precious. </div><div><br></div><div>I thought we all started out that way, hopefully. I think of how many bumps, bruises, cuts, heart aches I've had in my life. </div><div><br></div><div>The unbearable sadness that fills my body at times making it hard to breathe at times. </div><div><br></div><div>I find it incredibly difficult to think I was that perfect baby that hopefully made someone's eyes light up the way that mother/grandmother did. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-29392126408308455292020-04-05T20:08:00.000-05:002020-10-09T12:34:59.860-05:00moms birthdayi remember when mother was in SIU (special investigation unit)<br>
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my ex step dad (lets just give him a name.....frank)<br>
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frank came into her office one day and was showing off, talking about whatever drug paraphernalia that was in the office was used for<br>
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he told the rookie what a bong was and how it was used<br>
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really? it was the 90s, we all knew what a bong was used for. my mother was so angry because his need to be a know it all made him seem like an idiot<br>
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i can hear the coyotes, people in the neighborhood are upset because they are here. i love the sound, it makes me realize how safe i am in my own home.<br>
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i love hearing the train knowing that i will not be inconvenienced by it<br>
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i love hearing the frogs because i know they wont keep me up at night<br>
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i love the sound of the coyotes because i get them....my mother would have loved the sound as well<br>
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i don't have foofoo dogs that i worry about something carrying them into the night<br>
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i love the fact that i have big dogs that protect me at night when i sleep and also during the day when marley thinks the postman will take me away from him<br>
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today is my mom's birthday<br>
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i love youtatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-53847902898188020012020-03-28T20:32:00.001-05:002020-03-28T20:32:57.088-05:00flower potsremember the tootsie pop commercial....how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?<br />
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well how many days does it take for me to fall into the darkness of being in "quarantine" 7 to 10 business days.<br />
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I have been going bed early and getting up early. ive even started making my bed in the morning. which with the overlap of weighted blankets still looks like there is a dead body in the bed but it is better than nothing. <br />
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yesterday we went to lowes (yes I tried to social distance and I held my breath as people walked by). we bought paint for our back porch. I should have painted it about two summers ago. I bought paint for my sad baseboards, I don't know how my mother kept her house so clean with 2 big dogs. she had a bigger house and one less dog.<br />
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I am thinking that joe will be happy to go back to work and get a break from his stay at home wife and all of my projects.<br />
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I bought flowers for my planters on the front porch and I cant help but think they are a great representation of my life. I go out into the world and have grandiose plans but I become easily overwhelmed and fail to follow through. The weather is nice here and people are starting to get out to walk the neighborhood to have some sort of normalcy. this elderly couple walks by and the lady tells me how much she likes my flowers. i told her that I can hopefully keep them up. I know me I will get all excited about things and I am all gung-ho but then I hit the wall. I cant keep up, I get overwhelmed, then I feel like a failure.<br />
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welcome to the cycle.tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-74892795103610341332020-03-25T13:59:00.000-05:002020-03-25T13:59:33.368-05:00the waves<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
"looking back on the memory of.....for a moment all the world was right....and now i'm glad that I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go"</div>
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garth brooks the dance</div>
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I wish that I was able to tell you the defining moment that I went off the rails.<br />
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I can tell you the defining moment of when I knew both of my marriages were over. My last one was the day my ex dropped me off on the street. I had to fight with him for two days to get a half hearted apology.<br />
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my first husband was when we went to his parents for Christmas and the box of Christmas ornaments went flying out of the back of the truck. we were on the interstate so it was dangerous to turn around. I mumbled something about how it was okay because it would probably be our last Christmas together. that did not go over well.<br />
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the defining moment with my adoptive father was when I was trying to talk to him about something that was important to me and his fiancée pulled up, honked the horn and he darted out of the house mid conversation.<br />
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I wish I could tell you the defining moment with my mom. I feel as if there were many ups and downs but we always came back together. as much as I miss her, I cant say if she was still here that it would be any different. I think she would be good for my daughter and my nephews. we would've bonded over the kids. it may have helped me heal some wounds about my childhood but then again some wounds never heal.<br />
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I have been on the merry go round of therapy, medication, and doctors....lots and lots of doctors. I have succumbed to this is the best that modern medicine can do for me. I haven't learned to navigate the waves of my bipolar yet. I don't know that I ever will. <br />
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we all know the defining moment with my step dad "I cant help you, you need to find god"tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-37503136542212736692020-03-25T13:29:00.002-05:002020-03-25T13:29:52.829-05:00breathemy store has closed, tomorrow will be a week that I have been on leave. the governor has issued that all non essential businesses close for another 21 days. I am blessed to work for a company that is paying me to essentially stay home. my husband on the other hand makes toilet paper for a living and the world seems to think they are going to run out so off to work my husband goes.<br />
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the weather has been nice, my dogs are loving the time with me, I have been able to cook for my family, clean house, and I have been able to spend time with my daughter.<br />
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today I went to pick up our grocery pick up order and I was the only one there at 10am. I grabbed my coffee, left in my leggings, robe, and house shoes. I drove across town looking to see who was open and who had to close. I didn't road rage. I didn't even notice the guy in front of me going 10 miles slower than the speed limit.<br />
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life has slowed down and I am thankful. I am thankful for the peace. I don't even turn on the tv unless joe or sydni is here. I haven't been social media since the first of the year which is honestly the best thing I have done for my mental health in a long time. I was tired of seeing all of the people with their seemingly perfect life. Sydni had me watching a show on Netflix and the actor said (to paraphrase) that her life was in shambles but she had posted 17 selfies on facebook showing her life was amazing.<br />
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I stopped and talked to my neighbor in my fashion statement of what not to wear outside of your home. he has been in the hospital and in physical rehab, he had to have his leg amputated due to diabetes. I never stop and talk to him. I always wave. I always think that I will or I will invite him to dinner. I never do because I am too busy trying to get to and from my store, too busy to get home and isolate myself.tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-12982296829897526162020-03-07T17:21:00.000-06:002020-03-07T17:21:42.381-06:00tree stumpsI have made myself a new make shift office in my living room window seal which I share with Marilyn, my old hello kitty laptop, new products that I may or may not ever try and old calendars and notebooks that I have to keep the semblance of a normal person.<br />
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I bought a new laptop for the purpose to a) get my life together and b) hopefully get my mind together by blogging again.<br />
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I think about this blog and where it started to where I stopped and how much differently my life is now.<br />
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I am pretty sure I am an alcoholic. I weight more that I have ever have in my entire life. The only thing that hasn't changed is my ability to put on a smile and dismiss it all until I cant, then I lock myself in my house, only to go out for food or beer.<br />
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I sit here and look out the window watching a man with a saw on a push cart sawing the tree trunk out of the back yard. It is funny when I think about that tree. It started out as a weed that continued to grow. The crack head was going to take care of it (I think). Skippy was suppose to use his truck to pull it out of the ground then it is like everything else in life, it took over. Skippy would spend days out there once a year trimming the tree. He always seemed to pick the hottest time of the year to do that too. I felt bad because it was my house and he was actually doing something that I would go help.<br />
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joe had someone cut down the tree and the price they wanted to remove the stump was as much as the tree. We have just lived with it for about 4 years now. joe is unrelentless about chores and having them get done. I wouldn't worry about that tree stump until it because ...I don't know. I would probably never worry about that tree stump but then again I don't have to mow around the stump.<br />
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I find it interesting that this man will have removed this stump that has plagued our home for years in the matter of time that it will take to write this blog. Joe has spent 4 years worrying about it and in<br />
20 minutes it will be gone.<br />
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I am hoping that he saw the power line and that it isn't live but joe did tell him to call okie dig.tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-50488780578807480202020-02-20T23:49:00.001-06:002020-02-20T23:49:48.579-06:00cheerleader I am my mother.... <div><br></div><div>I didn't have kids. I used to tell myself that it was because I didn't want to mess up my kids like my parents. </div><div><br></div><div>Reality is that I had too many abortions while still picking the same guy.</div><div><br></div><div>When I was "ready" to have a child, I married an impotent. "I guess the jokes on me" (NIN reference).</div><div><br></div><div>Tonight my (step) daughter comes home with her friends to hang out. I came home to find them all in the hot tub (it's 28 outside). </div><div><br></div><div>They all are about to get out. I gather robes and wrap them up as they get out. They are trying to gather up their stuff as they get out. I send them all inside as I close up the hot tub and get their things. I walk inside to find them huddled, they are scared to drop water on the floor. Mind you, it is stained concrete and I own 3 large inside dogs. </div><div><br></div><div>I tell them to not worry about getting water on the floor, just don't fall. </div><div><br></div><div>On a good day, this would be my mother.</div><div><br></div><div>I don't want to be sydni's best friend. I do want to always be her biggest cheerleader. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-91847034247291456442020-02-13T16:02:00.001-06:002020-02-13T16:02:18.930-06:00lostMy ex used to tell me that dreams were a way for my brain to work out issues or something like that. <div><br></div><div>I have recurring dreams that I can't find joe. I've forgotten his number, my phone won't work, or I've done something to drive him away. </div><div><br></div><div>My other dream is that we can't live in our home. We are staying at the old trailer in Warner, a hotel, an apartment. I keep trying to make the best out of a bad situation but I really want to be back in my nice home. </div><div><br></div><div>I am lost and I can't find my way is the recurring theme. </div><div><br></div><div>I am scared that I will lose everything. I think I am really scared that my mental issue will take it all away from me.</div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-16041865928388079212020-02-13T15:44:00.001-06:002020-03-25T14:03:37.541-05:00I really want to foldAnswers, I want answers.<br />
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I am mad....at god...my parents...life....my mental disorder which I don't know if it has been caused by nature or nurture or both. </div>
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I don't know why god allows people to hurt the way I do. I need an answer that I know I will never find. If I did would it really change anything?</div>
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Is it really going to make me feel any better? Will it make my lows less lower?</div>
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I asked my "step dad" (I honestly don't know what to call him) if my mother was bipolar. From the man who likes to act like he knows everything, I didn't get an answer. </div>
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I want answers.</div>
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I asked him why he didn't help me when I was so depressed my senior year? </div>
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His answer</div>
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I do not have a answer for you. Falls into the should have, could have, would have's in life we all carry some of the burden for what cards life deals us. Then we just play them draw new ones or fold. </div>
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An "I'm sorry" would be nice. </div>
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That is what, I want an "I'm sorry" from my parents who should've never brought me into this world.</div>
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An "I'm sorry" for no one noticing or worse noticing and not helping. </div>
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An "I'm sorry" from god for this crappy "hand" I've been felt. </div>
tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-45896644614996170952020-01-27T22:28:00.001-06:002020-01-27T22:28:42.228-06:00too muchTonight my nephew is spending the night because his parents went to stay with his brother in okc.<div><br></div><div>Anyways. Logistics. I am spoiled. I DON'T EVEN PUMP MY OWN GAS. </div><div><br></div><div>Jenny: can you watch Corinthian Monday. </div><div><br></div><div>Me: sure</div><div>Her: he has to be at soccer practice before 645?</div><div><br></div><div>Me: am?</div><div><br></div><div>Her: Joe what time do you go to work? </div><div>Joe:530</div><div><br></div><div>Me: (I got this) I have a meeting (trying to sound important) that morning in Tulsa. I can drop him off on the way. (I am already calculating what time I have to get up to make all of this happen in brady style....f, she had a maid or whatever alice was)</div><div><br></div><div>Her: I will bring him Monday night</div><div>Me: just go, I can pick him up on my way home </div><div><br></div><div>AM today</div><div>Corinthian: what time do you get off work</div><div>Me: (silently..I haven't even made it to work). 6</div><div><br></div><div>Yesterday</div><div>Me: wtf are you thinking, this is why you didn't have kids...you can barely make it to where you are supposed to be on time.</div><div><br></div><div>Also me: thank you jesus, my meeting isn't until Wednesday...</div><div><br></div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-51587614455250858812020-01-15T19:43:00.001-06:002020-01-15T19:43:00.197-06:00I knew he loved me when he touched my feet.Joe told me a guy we went to high school with sent him a message. I asked why, he said it was to check in on him. His friend hadn't heard from him in awhile. <div><br></div><div>Hmmm, women think they have close friends. Men has friendships that last forever. </div><div><br></div><div>Perfect example. My friend's wedding a few weeks ago. It was like a mini reunion. My friend only had 3 of her girlfriends show up. The groom (graduated a year before us) had more friends and they drove further than anyone on my friend's side to attend.</div><div><br></div><div>I get why I don't have close girlfriends. I flake out on people. I periodically drop off the face of the earth and the winner is.....I don't like to leave my house. </div><div><br></div><div>Joe has never met a stranger and he meets people where they are. He accepts people exactly the way he finds them. </div><div><br></div><div>It's something I adore about my husband. He has made me a softer person.</div><div><br></div><div>I no longer have to have my guard up that he will break me, leave me, or worse.... stay and destroy me one moment at a time. </div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-14989072872495727182020-01-14T20:40:00.001-06:002020-01-14T20:40:12.172-06:00if a tree falls........ and no one hears it, did it really fall?<div><br></div><div>I annoy myself and people like me annoy me. </div><div><br></div><div>Have you ever met a one upper? You know that person that always has a story to top yours?</div><div><br></div><div>I am an the idiot that will believe whatever you say until I figure out it is a lie. I will then rerun everything you've ever told me and assume it as false too.</div><div><br></div><div>The holidays were hard. 3 dads who have decided not to participate in my life. I work retail, most guests don't care as long as you have what they want. Introducing the last part of the trifecta. My mental illness. </div><div><br></div><div>I used to go to doctors but no one could ever figure out what to do with me, like my mother when she had her brain radiated. Am I bipolar type 2, PTSD, general anxiety disorder, severe depression? It used to be very important to me to have a proper diagnosis. Really? Does it matter, I still feel close to losing hope. </div><div><br></div><div>If you drop out of social media and no one notices. Do you think life works that way? </div><div><br></div><div>My neighbor has been at her niece's for over a year in PT. </div><div><br></div><div>Today the vultures are showing up to take away the remnants of her life. I see them smiling because they got a good deal. </div><div><br></div><div>I want to scream at them. She was a kind woman who gave me her and her late husband's watch for a wedding gift because she didn't have a daughter. </div><div><br></div><div>She always asked how I was doing in school. She was my cheerleader.</div><div><br></div><div>I left the dogs outside to bark at these people and to annoy them the way their comings and goings annoy me.</div>tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-91577293094332434672018-11-02T21:08:00.001-05:002018-11-02T21:08:39.874-05:00just tired<div>
lets catch up shall we</div>
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I receive a random message from my estranged step day on oct 20th...happy birthday and anniversary, belated. They were out of the country at a conference. Now, I can come and get my mothers plaques. My sister suggest that my husband goes and gets them. Great idea. Joe goes on the first day because we don't want to wait too long like we did last time and not get them. He doesn't have them but he does at least ask about me. Joe goes on his next day off, I am so thankful to have a part of my mother. The package has my name as brook...I just celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary, joe was told that these plaques were suppose to go to me when I worked at Petco. Deep breath, whatever. </div>
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joe was looking for an empty box and came in with this really fancy box, I thought sydni had ordered something. a few days later, joe says something about cookies in the fridge. syds friends are always selling something so I just thought it was a fundraiser. joe brings me the box and it is a present from Rodney and his wife. I send them a text thanking them because I don't want to seem like the spoiled brat that he has made me out to be. last night I get a text "test, test, test". </div>
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okay, you cannot be another absentee parent that shows up three years later with a teddy bear when I am nine and act like everything is okay.</div>
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I cut myself twice and you told me that you couldn't help me and that I needed to find god.....Halloween cookies aren't going to make that disappear.</div>
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if you want to be an adult and have an adult conversation, ask. </div>
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I am tired of games.</div>
tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-82107108467966583872018-10-01T19:25:00.002-05:002018-10-01T19:25:41.331-05:00birthday realitymy birthday was Saturday....<br />
<br />
I am so bipolar when it comes to my birthday. I want everything and nothing. Joe went and got me flowers, a card, and took me to breakfast. We went and watched my nephew play soccer. We came home and took a nap. Joe's alarm kept going off which I am to the point I would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than an alarm.<br />
<br />
I told joe that I wanted cupcakes. Sydni finally went to the store and bought cupcake stuff and make them for me. I was so annoyed but then became annoyed at myself for having expectations for a day that I didn't tell anyone that I wanted something.<br />
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The pity party showed up Saturday night when I have two men that raised me as their daughter and neither one had even sent a text to say happy birthday. Yes, I get that I am a hypocrite. My sister being my advocate called my dad and told him that it was his daughters birthday and hung up. I still didn't get a phone call. Actually that was probably a good thing because his crazy wife would have made it all about her and how the world has wronged her.<br />
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lesson...be more clear about birthday expectations..except the expectation that your dads will acknowledge youtatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-20725181502959794052018-09-27T17:17:00.002-05:002018-09-27T17:17:46.823-05:00missing my childhoodI heard neil diamond the other day. my mother adored neil diamond.<br />
<br />
today on the way back from my therapists, I had google play some neil diamond. She had an album when I was younger and she would play it and I always tried to find the song and never had any luck. It was the first song that played today. it was a beautiful day today, a day that she really would have liked.<br />
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I am still finding pennies and thinking of her. after the plaque hostage situation last month, I was a bit shaken. I found quite a few pennies. I dismissed one because I found it on the floor at the dollar tree and it was right in front of the register. I thought about keeping it but then suddenly became concerned what the people behind me would think so I gave it to the cashier. for some reason I doubt the people behind me were thinking nothing other than if they were going to get checked out before the cashier died. she was a little too old to be working a cash register and it made me wonder did she not have a retirement, did her husband leave her to fend for herself. it made me sad, thinking that I don't want to be ringing up dollar items in a bright green shirt at her age but if I don't get my finances together this will be me.<br />
<br />
my therapist asked me what it was like to have no father in my life growing up. it made me mad that I didn't have a childhood. I was happy when my parents decided to divorce. the tension was always so thick in the house. I am sure this is why I have anxiety. then my mom left and I was left with butch who spent his time being angry about everything. to this day I get anxious around angry people. when my mom left I was 9, I took care of myself. I got myself up to go to school. I did laundry. butch either had weekend warrior, late night classes on Tuesday and Thursday, or he was coaching baseball that I was usually alone or lived at my best friends house.<br />
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lol, I thought they were so rich. I lived in a trailer house and was lucky if I had more than 2 pairs of pants to wear (this might explain why I am a clothes horse now). My best friend could go an entire week without doing laundry. her mom was a stay at home mom and she cooked at least 2 meals a day. I was lucky if there was milk or cereal. butch would buy groceries at the first of the month and that lasted all week. heck, I buy 2 gallons of milk and I am lucky if that lasts all month. I really cant judge though, I am horrible at managing my money and I know that I wouldn't have any money at the end of the month.<br />
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I wonder if I will ever get over these issues. the self esteem and anxiety are the worse ones for me.<br />
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I told my therapist once that I didn't feel like I was good enough, she asked me what good enough meant. I still am not sure.tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-20243673980500586932018-09-27T16:39:00.000-05:002018-09-27T16:39:13.407-05:00inconvenienceso it has been a very, very long time. I have gotten away from blogging but I think that I need this online therapy,<br />
<br />
I went and saw my therapist today, about a month ago my ex step dad's new wife contacted my husband about some plaques that mother had. She told my husband that she didn't want to upset me but wanted me to know that she had stored away the plaques. I then sent her a message and asked her if it were okay if I could come and get them. She said that would be great. I asked her what day and she told me which day of the week she is the least busy. Time went by, I got busy, but joe remembered the plaques and sent her a message wanting to know if it was a good time to come by. She replied that he needed to contact my ex step dad and that she was staying out of the situation. I sent her a message telling her that I really appreciated everything that she had done for me and I am sorry that I had caused any issues. My therapist asked me why I was sorry, she was the one that initiated contact. Once again this is my reaction to anyone when I feel as though I have been an inconvenience to them. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like an inconvenience.<br />
<br />
Someone posted today what would I tell my younger self. I would tell myself to not allow people to discount me, that they don't determine my worth. I really wish I could teach my older self this.<br />
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I allow my mother's husband make me feel like I am an inconvenience and a disposable person. I declined to contact him about the plaques because I know that I will just get upset and who knows if I will actually even receive the plaques. I just decided to not participate in this immature game.tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-27355663684315630092018-01-11T17:13:00.001-06:002018-01-11T17:13:27.956-06:00We are even<p dir="ltr">Today is my step dad's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday. He replied with something about his job, thanked me for me asking (which I really didn't) and thanked me for the sentiment. </p>
<p dir="ltr">4 years ago we were putting my mother in a nursing home. Rodney had already started seeing someone and she was at the hospital.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I want to apologize so much to my mother. I picked him over her. I now know that when the going got rough, he got going. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It still really breaks my heart. Some days I feel fine and some days it just kicks my ass. This last week it has just been kicking my ass. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is when I truly want to just pack up and move somewhere else and make new memories. I would miss what little family I have. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Funny thing is, I have seen him twice since the whole cutting situation. It was a spring tornado that destroyed my step mom's shop. I managed to find my way to her through the downed power lines. When I got there, she was just standing in the what was left of her shop. She turned around and I just hugged her and said I was sorry. We spoke for a few minutes. I turned to walk to my car. Rodney turned, saw me, and didn't say a word. I didn't either so I guess we are even. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Before I left petco, he and his wife came into the store. Joe had taken me to work so I don't know if they came because they didn't think I was there or if they came to see if I was there. I hid for a few minutes and then decided that it was silly. I had signs to hang so I went to work. They never said anything to me and I never said anything to them. Once again, i guess we are even. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Last week, Joe gets a message from Dana that they have done a segment on her new building and it will be on the 10 o clock news. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It all came flooding back. <br><br></p>
tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2365821993176300066.post-71135995964308474302018-01-05T17:24:00.001-06:002018-01-05T17:24:32.911-06:00Too much<p dir="ltr">My anxiety is getting worse.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Joe and I went to Wal-Mart and I felt as if I was going to get mugged in the parking lot. An angry black woman was dragging her screaming kid through the parking lot while cussing walmart. There were 2 people getting out the car that was parked in front of us and I thought they looked sketchy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We had a contractor come to the house and give us a quote on a screened in back porch. He was the guy that did Rodney's bathroom. I looked at that poor guy and told him that he was married to my mom and that was her house. I still get choked up thinking about it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I missed my psychiatrist appointment last month. I called today fearing that I wouldn't be allowed to come back. The lady put me on hold forever then she was able to get me in next week. I am kind of concerned, I am NEVER able to get in that quickly. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel as though my ADD is at an all time high. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I really feel like a failure. Everything is out of control, my weight, my finances, my emotions, and I drink to stop all of the thoughts that won't stop! </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am about a month into a new job and I cannot seem to get a grip on anything! </p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel as if <u>someone</u> is setting on my chest, I want to just break down and cry. I feel like a disposable human being. I hate the way my emotions makes Joe feel. I can see it in his eyes, he wonders if he is going to come home to a dead wife.</p>
tatiana roosevelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06743935495794720858noreply@blogger.com1