mind

It's a powerful thing when you're able to control your mind instead of letting your mind control you. 

I'm continually late to these kinds of parties. I was 40 before I realized what a healthy marriage looked like. My ex inlaws were amazing, so supportive of each other and genuinely enjoyed each other. I knew I did not have that.

I don't get a visual of how a healthy relationship looks. I hear people use words to describe it but I DON'T KNOW how to identify my feelings. I don't have the words so the words you are saying are foreign to me. 

It's the most impossible thing to train for. I can tell you how an orgasm feels but the way I describe it and the way you describe it are going to be different. It might feel different. I don't know because I cannot crawl into your mind. 

This is what makes mental health so difficult. 

2022 self

A year ago, in March i walked out of a career that i have spent my entire life succeeding. I just left, filed for leave, deleted and blocked everyone from that world that was no longer in my corner or served my best interest.

No i had no idea what i was going to do but i knew what i was no longer going to do. I immediately made an appointment with my therapist. I really look at her as my life coach, my biggest cheerleader. She navigated me through the entire 7 months that i would be at home and unemployed for 22. 

I was listening to a podcast today at work. It was all about new year, new you. I am the largest i have ever been in my life. I was halfway listening to her and the reason she caught my attention was because she was so candid about spending her life in corporate america and then being fired. I was intrigued. She is an overachiever, runner, has so many things on her resolution list that i was feeling overwhelmed and it wasnt even my list. She was talking about how you must write things down to be intentional. Then she said that look back at where you were last year at this time and how much had changed. I think i had to hear that at least twice before feeling intuitive. 

Wow, my january 2022 self would never believe where 2023 me is now. 

the mask

"Here is the thing about the mask: there is nothing good about it.  It can't be fixed, polished, or taught to behave differently."

 

Grace for the good girl by Emily P Freeman

 

I don't know how to function without the mask

the race

Why am I always in such a rush?

This is why I have anxiety. 

My husband operates at a leisurely pace. Honestly at times, I am jealous as much as annoyed. I am like the road runner. Always in a hurry. 

A dm told me that I needed to "slow down to speed up". I agreed and carried that for a while. 

Now I've realized that I just need to slow down. 

There is no race, except the race we create for ourselves. 

I have accepted some bad habits into my daily life. I know that when they no longer serve me. I will effortlessly release them. 

Last night when I was making my dinner plate. I had this revelation that I only need the amount of food on my plate that will make me feel nourished.

It made me realize how long I've been using food as a crutch to shove down all of those feeling I didn't want to deal with. 

I have ran for many years. 23 is the year that I learn to stand confidently and courageously in a healthy/supportive environment. 

Hi

It's been a while.

I miss you old friend. 

I needed you.

I am as lost as ever. 

2020 was something. I think we should reflect on later.

Covid had an affect similar to 9/11. 

Everyone was on the same playing field. It didn't matter your race, gender, ethnicity, religion.... we were ALL equal. I remember being in my store the Sunday before we shut down. 

You could feel the seriousness in the air but with the lack of elitism. Covid didn't care if you were rich or poor; popular or not... it was like a tornado. It would hit your neighbors house and miss yours. 

It was the unknown. 

turn key

i sat there today in the chair that belonged to my grandmother that my mother sat in at her dying mother's bedside. 

this chair is in my foyer because i have plumbing issues that no one wants to fix. i cant help but feel as though this symbolic of my life.

i texted my bff as i told her that i count the minutes until 5 so that i can feel something different. 

i texted my sister and asked if she thought that our father looked back at his life and think what an amazing job he did with his children? her reply was "ha". i replied with i am sure that he looks at us an ungrateful bastards. she said that she thought that we turned out to be good people despite his insanity and neglect.

i feel as though everything is overwhelming. 

my boss, my leader, my mentor was let go last week. a new normal with the covid. it was all so sad. he didnt even get a chance to say goodbye even though he fiercely fought to do so. i think this was just the needle to the haystack of the continuous bad luck we call 2020.

my bff called me and said "wtf, that was deep". she is my new sanity. 

i am grateful for such an amazing husband that doesnt take it personally when i turn to someone else to heal the pain. 

she told me that she had been dating a guy. the chiropractor we call him. his dad was a neuro surgeon. his parents had money but they had chores. they built the deck on their back porch. he is divorced with children. he lives in a huge nice home. he is renovating the house next to his.

she said they were having a conversation and he said he liked "turn key". i am not sure that he meant anything other that the obvious but we took it to mean something so much deeper. 

my bff is a bad ass, she drives a challenger in which she calls charlie. she likes vintage. she has grandma sweaters that are itchy and unique. 

we decided that neither one of us are turn key but she is way cooler than i will ever be

lobotomy

It's been a week

I am taking time off. I wish my brain would have received that notification. 

I did my usual dog dance this morning. Gracie and marley go out then I let them in only for samson to decide he wants to go out. It really irritates me these days. I have no patience for them and it makes me feel even sadder. 

I sit here this afternoon listening to my husband sleep, my dogs snore, and the fan. It's the tranquility that I try to breathe in deeply so it might permeate my brain. 

I watched a tiktok this morning while the dogs did their dance. It's called dad advice. He said worrying is paying interest on a day that hasn't even come. It calmed me.

My heart hurts so much. My emotions taking away all of my energy that I now i sit looking permanently stoned.

I had a man tell me to get off my anxiety medicine but I am scared that I will not be brave or strong enough to overcome the thoughts and emotions and I might just give myself a lobotomy. 

I feel for anyone and everyone in my life.