yesterday i found out a friend died
he had just sent me a text on Thursday that said "get your ass up and go to work". I was already on my way to work. Devin usually sent me these texts in the early morning as he considered himself the "hardest worker".
I met Devin when i was looking for a stocker and had fired all of my management staff and had lost about a third of my regular staff. Devin was an out of work welder with a can do attitude. He had a voice like billy bob thorton on slingblade. One day he was reciting the words to a rap song that he had heard and made us all laugh silly. When i went to work at my new job, he would call and ask if his piranah food was in that i had ordered for him and if i wasn't there he would ask the poor associate what he was suppose to do, his fish were hungry.
Devin was 45, he was such a good person and i will miss him.
It makes me wonder what i was doing when he left this world. I have been so tired this week, Aunt Flo is sucking the life out of me, i have had 6 exams, 2 tests, and accounting homework that just kicked my butt. Was i on the phone with HR about my disobedient employee who thinks a mohawk is an appropriate hairstyle. What, now meaningless task was i trying to accomplish while someone so special was taken from my world?
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
really???
i have been sick more this year than i have been in the last decade...guess that is what i get for giving my people grief over calling in all of the time
my dentist gave me a new mouthpiece to keep me from grinding my teeth (he hasn't a clue how determined i am). I used to have what looked like a football mouth guard and i have almost chewed through it, at least i stopped taking it out in the middle of the night and finding it stuck to my forehead in the morning. The new piece fits my two front teeth and is suppose to keep me from being able to close my jaws, now i just grind my front teeth.
anyway, last night, my sinuses went between being clogged up to draining. Every time i tried to blow my nose, nothing, but then i would wake up feeling like a white trash child with dried snot stuck to my nose. I have been trying to keep the drainage from draining into my chest (i am always at high risk of getting bronchitis) so i would get up in the middle of the night, coughing and hacking, trying to spit this crud into the toilet without having to fish out my new $300 chipmunk teeth.
on top of all of this, i went to the bathroom today and a thread from either my pants or my underwear got tangled up in the string of my tampon so i thought that it would be wiser to just pull the strings apart so that i could then change my tampon. WRONG!!! The string came out of my tampon with the other string and landed in the toilet. I am at lunch with my husband. I actually googled "how to remove tampon without string attached".
my dentist gave me a new mouthpiece to keep me from grinding my teeth (he hasn't a clue how determined i am). I used to have what looked like a football mouth guard and i have almost chewed through it, at least i stopped taking it out in the middle of the night and finding it stuck to my forehead in the morning. The new piece fits my two front teeth and is suppose to keep me from being able to close my jaws, now i just grind my front teeth.
anyway, last night, my sinuses went between being clogged up to draining. Every time i tried to blow my nose, nothing, but then i would wake up feeling like a white trash child with dried snot stuck to my nose. I have been trying to keep the drainage from draining into my chest (i am always at high risk of getting bronchitis) so i would get up in the middle of the night, coughing and hacking, trying to spit this crud into the toilet without having to fish out my new $300 chipmunk teeth.
on top of all of this, i went to the bathroom today and a thread from either my pants or my underwear got tangled up in the string of my tampon so i thought that it would be wiser to just pull the strings apart so that i could then change my tampon. WRONG!!! The string came out of my tampon with the other string and landed in the toilet. I am at lunch with my husband. I actually googled "how to remove tampon without string attached".
Sunday, October 21, 2012
staycay
i took a week off work
i took husband to the doctor, then he took me to the dentist to get a new tooth (no, it didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would). I only took the lortab for the first day then realized that it was like being on crack when i was still up running about the house like a mad woman at 11:30pm.
i organized, made spreadsheets, invoices and custom receipts for new position as treasurer for the optimist club....no one loves a spreadsheet as much as i do (type a personality and all)
i took naps during the day, slept late, and went to bed early (except my lortab driven night), it was nice
i was very afraid that most of my sleeping was due to my depression hitting an all time low. I went and saw my regular doctor who i feel is the only person who really gets my head issues and he grumbled at my self medicating ways (which usually means that i have stopped taking something that he has prescribed) and has put me on an additional anti depressant and it seems to be helping me get over this hump and is taking away some of my hopelessness.
i am very thankful that i have a husband who has been very patient and understanding lately
i took husband to the doctor, then he took me to the dentist to get a new tooth (no, it didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would). I only took the lortab for the first day then realized that it was like being on crack when i was still up running about the house like a mad woman at 11:30pm.
i organized, made spreadsheets, invoices and custom receipts for new position as treasurer for the optimist club....no one loves a spreadsheet as much as i do (type a personality and all)
i took naps during the day, slept late, and went to bed early (except my lortab driven night), it was nice
i was very afraid that most of my sleeping was due to my depression hitting an all time low. I went and saw my regular doctor who i feel is the only person who really gets my head issues and he grumbled at my self medicating ways (which usually means that i have stopped taking something that he has prescribed) and has put me on an additional anti depressant and it seems to be helping me get over this hump and is taking away some of my hopelessness.
i am very thankful that i have a husband who has been very patient and understanding lately
Monday, October 15, 2012
Hibernation
This semester has been tough. I spent the first month sick and now my bipolarness is stuck in severe depression mode. I want to sleep continuously and the few hours that i am awake i am counting the minutes until i can crawl back into bed with my cat.
On the bright side, i am easily able to dismiss other peoples passive aggressive, snide comments. Where as in the past i would've analyzed every word for hidden meaning. I am not sure if this means my give a crap is broken or if i have finally learned to deal.
On the bright side, i am easily able to dismiss other peoples passive aggressive, snide comments. Where as in the past i would've analyzed every word for hidden meaning. I am not sure if this means my give a crap is broken or if i have finally learned to deal.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
ambiguity
perception is reality, i have said this for years....what i perceive as unethical isn't so easily perceived that way by someone else. I used to hate the word ambiguity....now i totally get it. It is almost as if lying by omission. Trust, i give it easily, but once it is broken then i start to doubt all interactions, past and future.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
reflection
my birthday and new years is always a time of reflection for me....i am so looking forward to a new year, this last year was way too tough
it was a year of failures, very public failures, Matt and i filed for divorce, i lost an election, privately i was played, and kicked to the curb via email. I did manage to get my associates with honors, but was too exhausted from a failed campaign to walk the stage.
i am drained, physically and emotionally. I feel as though i spend every minute of everyday just trying to get to the next. My depression has taken on a sickly feeling, not just the usual needing to cry over anything and everything.
I received a phone call from my OBGYN and my annual came back abnormal, so i had to schedule another appointment for February. I actually would like my doctor to find something so that maybe i can pinpoint my constant lethargic, sickly feeling on something concrete....instead of this thing that lives in my head.
it was a year of failures, very public failures, Matt and i filed for divorce, i lost an election, privately i was played, and kicked to the curb via email. I did manage to get my associates with honors, but was too exhausted from a failed campaign to walk the stage.
i am drained, physically and emotionally. I feel as though i spend every minute of everyday just trying to get to the next. My depression has taken on a sickly feeling, not just the usual needing to cry over anything and everything.
I received a phone call from my OBGYN and my annual came back abnormal, so i had to schedule another appointment for February. I actually would like my doctor to find something so that maybe i can pinpoint my constant lethargic, sickly feeling on something concrete....instead of this thing that lives in my head.
birthdays
yesterday i turned 40
i always have the worst birthdays, it started about the time that i moved back home from Tulsa. Last year, i served my husband with divorce papers on my birthday, then went and got drunk with my bff (took two days to recover from that one).
i slept most of the day yesterday, finally Matt became super concerned about me after 14 hours in bed and no notice of my gift that had been in the bathroom all day.
i am not sure if it is my depression or this congestion that i have been unable to get rid of for the past month that is sucking the life out of me, but something must give...........enough
i never put much thought into what people tell me, if you tell me something, then i usually believe it.....the narcissist used to tell me these grand stories of things that he would do for his ex wife (not really his ex, they didn't get divorced until after he left me for someone else....that should've been a clue) for her birthday. I cant remember any birthdays we spent together (except his when he left me), but i do remember being upset because i expected these grand plans. I thought that it meant that i wasn't special. It is amazing how i have spent my entire life with people who went out of their way to make me feel not special.
i always have the worst birthdays, it started about the time that i moved back home from Tulsa. Last year, i served my husband with divorce papers on my birthday, then went and got drunk with my bff (took two days to recover from that one).
i slept most of the day yesterday, finally Matt became super concerned about me after 14 hours in bed and no notice of my gift that had been in the bathroom all day.
i am not sure if it is my depression or this congestion that i have been unable to get rid of for the past month that is sucking the life out of me, but something must give...........enough
i never put much thought into what people tell me, if you tell me something, then i usually believe it.....the narcissist used to tell me these grand stories of things that he would do for his ex wife (not really his ex, they didn't get divorced until after he left me for someone else....that should've been a clue) for her birthday. I cant remember any birthdays we spent together (except his when he left me), but i do remember being upset because i expected these grand plans. I thought that it meant that i wasn't special. It is amazing how i have spent my entire life with people who went out of their way to make me feel not special.
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