the donkey story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it... to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to every one's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.

my genetic father

my mother calls the other morning at 2am, leaving me a voicemail of a phone number on how to contact my genetic father.  She must have found the information from when Matt and I first got married, she had contacted him, told him i was getting married and wanted to start a family.  She wanted to know if there was anything on his side of the family that i should be concerned about, he said no, his parents both died of old age and then said he had to go and would call back later....he never did.  I figure that is my answer about a future relationship with my genetic father. 

I have an address, i could always write a letter and then wait to see if i get a response.  I just always wondered what good could come out of this relationship, would i be a symbol of guilt to him, a mistake, the hick part of the family from Oklahoma.  I always figured he was the law enforcement person who had the access to find me, and if it were important to him then he would've before i turned 40??

More personal baggage to carry with me.  I always wondered if i saw him, would i know that he was my father, would i see the similarities immediately or would they be less apparent.  Lord knows, i don't need one more family member in my life that i have to force a relationship with....maybe i really was raised by wolves.  I have never really felt that family tie, that do or die, i will always be by your side....which is why i have always needed to be fiercely independent financially.  I have always hated to have to ask for help. 

I remember once asking my dad to put air in my tires, he was working full time and going to law school.  I was just being lazy, wanting someone else to do something for me.  He told me that he wasn't always going to be there to take care of my car.  That was an important lesson for me and how to be more independent. 

holiday gift shopping

The holidays have come and gone and i for one am excited...i did zero holiday baking this year, waited until the last minute for the planning of Christmas dinner.  Everything went off without a hitch, so i cant complain.  Except i was up way too early for my only day off that week.  I received two Christmas presents, one from an employee with a bunch of apple Cinnamon stuff, and the other from my in laws.  Why my mother in law always buys me jewelry is beyond me.  I always wear the same earrings and necklace, in fact, i rarely take them off. 

I did receive a Christmas card in the mail from my mother, that said she missed me and loved me.  I am thankful that came during the Christmas season.  She had my dad drop off a birthday card about two months after my birthday, that she had addressed with my first name, my married last name, my legal last name, my dad's last name, my last name as it appears on my birth certificate, and the nickname my adoptive father gave me.  Matt saw that and asked what the deal was with the seeing eye chart.  I guess the only one she forgot was my ex husbands last name and then it would have been complete.  Anyway, inside the card was a newspaper clipping of all of the people that had a birthday on the same day as me. 

Thankfully, Matt took care of the Christmas presents for our family.  I had grand plans for the few people i needed to buy for, then just slipped them some cash.  They both cried and hugged me.  I cant help it, when people cry around me, i will immediately start to cry as well.  It was a good day and it made me feel good.  It wasn't very inventive and kinda tacky, but cash, the gift that always fits. 

got to love the parents

I had to work a double the other day, as one person walked out and his replacement was sick....cough, cough (eye roll).  Which meant i had a few hours to come home and take a nap before pulling an all nighter.  Matt called his dad and told him that we wouldn't be at church, so i could rest.  His mother called him and this is how the conversation went

mom "i am sorry that she is sick"
dad "she isn't sick, she has to work"
mom "she has to work while she is sick"
dad "no Barbara, she isn't sick, she has to work"
Matt "do i really need to be here for this conversation"
mom "i guess not"....click

my wish for 2013

This is what i would like to see from 2013.  I would like it to be a year of forgiveness and honestly i would like to blend into the curtains and make it through the year with no real issues or drama.  I know that the latter will be of little to no spiritual growth for me, but i would like to find some peace. 

My academic vacation is over, as i start my VITA (volunteer income tax assistance) class on Monday.  I find it ridiculous that i am having to use the 2011 tax forms for reference because Washington cant decide on the 2012 tax forms...i bet all the tax software companies are loving this. 

One of my former assistants sent me an invite to Linkedin.  I have had an account for years, but never really did anything with it, now it seems like a good idea to get all my business contacts together for a future when i wont be in college anymore.  It is amazing what a small world it really is, i found two former bosses.  One who let me float down the river without a paddle and my old LP who tried to stop it found me on facebook the other day.  I am glad to feel as though i am finally putting that chapter of my life behind me.  It is incredible how the negative things about people are branded into your brain.  After i left my old job, a lot of facts finally came to light.  I finally figured out who had stolen the laptops, who helped, and how it was allowed to happen. I saw the guy about a year ago, driving in front of my store, we made eye contact for a second and i heard him say "hey, there is my old boss".  I wanted to scream "thief", but who am i to judge.  I would have never left that job, which would have never allowed for me to go to school. 

Matt and I went out to eat last week and he ran into a guy that he used to work with, as he sat down at the table, he told me who the guy was.  It really shocked me that the guy wasn't in his twenties as i had always assumed, he was our age.  I had just chalked up all the things that he did and allowed to happen to just being young and dumb. I guess some people never grow up. 

life with buckley

Last week, Matt went to run some errands while i got ready for him to come and get me for lunch.  Thinking it had been awhile since the dogs had been out, i let them out for a quick minute....or so i thought.  It had been raining some and paisely went straight out and came back in....after making sure she stood in the mud for awhile.  I wiped her paws as i let her in, then it was her brother's turn.  I reached out and was able to wipe off one paw and then he took off looking at me like i was the devil.  I tried everything to get him back in, treats, leaving the door open and walking away.  It broke my heart to have him look at me like i was going to hurt him.  I finally sent Matt a text telling him i was getting in the shower and that his goofy dog wouldn't come back in the house.  He came home and opened the door, Buckley walked right in the house.  I got the towel out and Buckley flipped out, running all over the bedroom, jumping on the bed, we finally just draped it over him and he finally quit running.  We have had a few more episodes of him not coming in the house, Matt has been bribing him with cheese....i had to make a trail of biljac liver treats and try to keep the rest of the animals out of them while he makes his way into the house and out of the doorway so i can shut the door. 

This morning while i was eating my breakfast, trying to keep Buckley's big head out of my food, he decided to stand on the coffee table.  Not just front paws, front and back, and just standing on the table while i am telling him to get down. 

That dog is a mess, but i love him and i am really convinced that Dingo sent him to us. 

Update, last night Matt and I went to eat dinner in Tahlequah, so Matt decided to put Buckley in his crate.  When we came home, Matt had to change his insulin pump so Buckley would have to wait to get out of his crate.  When he finally let him out, i walked over to pet him and he ran from me.  He stopped in the foyer to let Matt pet him and i was able to pet his backside, it scared him so bad that he had an accident on the floor.  He then walked to the kitchen and i leaned over to pet him again, that is when i noticed that he was so scared of me that he had another accident in the floor.  I will NEVER understand what kind of psychopath is able to be mean to a helpless animal, especially when he looks up at you with those eyes. 

happy new year to me

today was a good day, slept late (for me), took a nap and most importantly did not leave the house

My neighbors decided to set off fireworks last night, which totally freaked out the dogs.  Good thing i remembered to give Paisely her meds earlier in the evening.  One time, i am going to find out which of my neighbors feel the need to wake me up at midnight with their overly dramatic fireworks display and when i wake up in the morning, obsessively ring their doorbell, so i can wish them a happy new year. 

I have spent my entire life being codependent.  I finally figured out that means letting other people and their moods control you and your life.  I know why i am this way.  Growing up with a man who suffered from depression, anger, paranoia, and his ability to shift between any of those moods suddenly is extremely difficult for a child to live with.  I remember feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and the responsibility to ensure that there would be nothing in his world that would trigger any of these negative emotions.  This is probably why i ended up in so many abusive relationships, it was common place for me to be with someone so emotionally extreme. 

I recall being the object of his anger. I can almost recite the script, it usually started out with me being too big for my britches, pulling my head out of my ass, the world not revolving around me and ended with i needed to plug my head in.  I wasn't really sure what plugging my head in meant, i thought it was a reference to an electrical outlet.  This is where i get my anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop, because i most often received this speech to take me down a notch.  This is why i am too scared to be happy.