so that was Monday
Tuesday i go to lunch and come back to an "emergency" phone call, it is my sister telling me happy birthday. i told her that she didn't have to say that it was an emergency, she said "yeah, it is". Somehow she ended up in Tulsa at a crisis center and needed me to pick her up. okay, but it will be at 6, is this an issue, no. She gives me the address and i think that i should probably google it before i drive 45 minutes. Yes, it is legit.
I get to the crisis center thinking that i have no way to prove that i am her sister. I show the lady my drivers license and tell her that i am here to pick up my sister, not even thinking that she may not be ready to be released. 20 minutes and 2 crazy people later, she comes out wearing nothing but a shirt. Somewhere in her travels she has managed to get a mesh pair of underwear and a plastic pair of boxers.
I get her in the car. She immediately wants a Dr pepper and a cigarette. We are in the ghetto, she can wait until we get to the east side of town. We are talking and she seems lucid, she tells me that the shoe is on the other foot because now she wishes she was me.
I stop to get her cigarettes and dp, off to home we go.
We get to my house and i give her a pair of yoga pants and house shoes. The issue is that she has to be in court the next day by 2 for a driving incident (i don't even want to know). She asks if i can take her, no, i am working. She wants to know if Rodney can take her, no he has to work too. It amazes me that none of my siblings work and are oblivious to others that do. I would be crazy if i sat home all day and did nothing but think of my issues.
I finally call Butch, he starts to tell me that sister has had an "episode" and he really isn't sure where she is at....."funny, you mention that, she is laying next to me". He is trying to wrap his brain around how she ended up 2.5 hours away from home. I tell him that i am not really sure, but somehow she was transported to Tulsa. I am sure that her home town place is tired of dealing with someone who is combative and uncooperative when she shows up and has now decided to export their crazy people.
It seems that she was found on Monday morning wandering the streets with nothing on but the t shirt (now it makes sense why butch asked me if she had any clothes on). Evidently she just walked out of her apartment, no keys, no cell phone, and no wallet. He had no idea that this had happened on Monday instead of Tuesday as she told me.
Sometime into the evening she starts whispering to me that there is a man that lives above her that has been in all of the armed forces and he has stolen her phone. Someone she knows is running for chief of an Indian tribe and there is something big going on with the casinos and they are connected to Vegas.
Okay, now i am thinking that i am stuck in my home with a crazy person. Joe is at work. So i do what any normal person would do, i drug her. She goes right to sleep. No telling how long it had been since she had slept.
Butch and my brother show up about 3 hours later (they got lost). They walk into my front door with a map. "How retro". I tell them of my exciting evening with a crazy person and then butch starts to go through her bag of paperwork which is the only thing that she had with her besides the shirt and make shift underwear. I am not sure if he was able to make heads or tails of it, but he was listed as a person that they were able to release medical information too.
He then asks me if he should just take her back to the crisis center. "NO, she needs to get home and get back on her medication and someone needs to call her doctor".
Some days i wonder if i am the smartest person running this operation.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
happy birthday to me
what else do people do on their birthday than go to the gynecologist for their annual check up
i wouldn't normally go but my doctor held me hostage by not refilling my birth control until i get my check up and since she seems to think that i need to have a monthly period, well i go
since it was my birthday, i got an extra surprise.....a lump in my left breast....i guess this is what i get for not doing a monthly breast exam, but there is something so weird about feeling yourself up
so i had a mammogram and an ultrasound on Monday, the lump is still there and no one thinks that it is anything to be worried about except now i want it out!!! I don't even like to have a skin tag, i cut one off with nail clippers one day. I don't know, i go and see my doctor in a week and a half and now i get to go and see her every four months.
it was weird the day that my doctor found the lump, Joe was with me, i told my bff and called Rodney. i just felt as though there was someone else that i needed to tell. Skippy texted that night with a picture of my ex dog and a caption "momma i miss you". i almost broke down and told him just because i am so used to having to look outside my relationship for support. I thought that it was ironic that if i was with Skippy i would've told Joe.
Skippy then wanted to know how counseling was going (aka how crazy am i today) and to let me know that he was here to talk if i ever needed someone to listen. Really???? I almost fell for it too, then i remembered how supportive he was when we were married. No thanks, i am good. I just told him that i had a good support system, then he was telling me about his dad almost cutting off his finger...yeah, i know, he came into the store.
i would've called his parents in the past, they were my support system, they were the ones that cheered me on. i haven't even gone back to school since his dad asked for the check back for my tuition. that was the worst part of leaving Skippy, but they are his parents and they will always support their baby.
i was kind of miffed that he came into the store and was telling me about he had to have his dog kenneled while he went to Nevada to see his brother. i just wanted to slap him. it must be nice to have parents that will buy you a house.
yes, i am jealous, he was a sob to me when we were married and i want karma to kick his ass.
i wouldn't normally go but my doctor held me hostage by not refilling my birth control until i get my check up and since she seems to think that i need to have a monthly period, well i go
since it was my birthday, i got an extra surprise.....a lump in my left breast....i guess this is what i get for not doing a monthly breast exam, but there is something so weird about feeling yourself up
so i had a mammogram and an ultrasound on Monday, the lump is still there and no one thinks that it is anything to be worried about except now i want it out!!! I don't even like to have a skin tag, i cut one off with nail clippers one day. I don't know, i go and see my doctor in a week and a half and now i get to go and see her every four months.
it was weird the day that my doctor found the lump, Joe was with me, i told my bff and called Rodney. i just felt as though there was someone else that i needed to tell. Skippy texted that night with a picture of my ex dog and a caption "momma i miss you". i almost broke down and told him just because i am so used to having to look outside my relationship for support. I thought that it was ironic that if i was with Skippy i would've told Joe.
Skippy then wanted to know how counseling was going (aka how crazy am i today) and to let me know that he was here to talk if i ever needed someone to listen. Really???? I almost fell for it too, then i remembered how supportive he was when we were married. No thanks, i am good. I just told him that i had a good support system, then he was telling me about his dad almost cutting off his finger...yeah, i know, he came into the store.
i would've called his parents in the past, they were my support system, they were the ones that cheered me on. i haven't even gone back to school since his dad asked for the check back for my tuition. that was the worst part of leaving Skippy, but they are his parents and they will always support their baby.
i was kind of miffed that he came into the store and was telling me about he had to have his dog kenneled while he went to Nevada to see his brother. i just wanted to slap him. it must be nice to have parents that will buy you a house.
yes, i am jealous, he was a sob to me when we were married and i want karma to kick his ass.
Monday, September 1, 2014
letting people live in my head rent free
wow, it has been awhile since i have posted anything
went to my annual summit meeting. i went a few days early and saw the sights of Nashville. of course, i came home sick. i think my mother left my her sinus issue when she left. smh.
last year when i went to summit i thought that i would be all better when i got back. it had been a year since i had fallen into the hole of my depression and i really thought that a year was long enough to get over just about anything. i was wrong.
i went and saw my therapist last week, she told me that i was looking good. we spoke about my misconceptions of my year "get well" strategy. i told her that i was really nice to not have a lot of drama going on in my life. i decided to take another semester off of school. just because i am starting to feel a little better, i don't want to jump in feet first, over schedule myself just to end up where i was before.
i feel like i have a better support system for the drama. once, you have hit the very bottom and would be willing to do anything to make the pain go away, it starts to make everything relative to that kind of pain.
i finally flipped the other day and went off on my dept manager, she has been sleeping with one of the employees and he has since found another job, except he spends all of this time in the store and she accomplishes nothing. i know it is hypocritical. so i guess she asked me if i could go home early, i cant hear because of my sinus issues and she went and told everyone i was ignoring her. it just rubbed me the wrong way and down hill it went from their. supposedly i take 1.5 to 3 hour lunches, call in too much, and only take care of myself. so i told her that if she felt this way, she should call hr and report it and i would write it all down for her. i tried to call hr and he wasn't answering, i then asked if she wanted to call my boss and no. so she went home and took it upon herself to spend her evening calling everyone to ask them if they would sign a piece of paper on my management style. i am sure she got a few takers. then next day hr called me and told me i needed to write her up for calling me a selfish bitch, when i told her that i hoped her son felt better. she signed it and just laughed. then i am not sure who she called, must have been my boss, and that conversation must not have gone well because she was in a mood for the rest of the day. i have figured out that people seem to work better when they are mad. they seem to get things done.
my ex sent me a text the other day that a girl that used to work for me and has caused me a good amount of grief during my campaign had lost her husband and the first thought in my head was, karma. that is horrible.
i don't know how to not think bad things about people and wish bad things to happen to them. i try to pray for them and not wish they get run over by a car, but most of the time it doesn't work.
i just keep telling myself to not let people live in my head rent free
went to my annual summit meeting. i went a few days early and saw the sights of Nashville. of course, i came home sick. i think my mother left my her sinus issue when she left. smh.
last year when i went to summit i thought that i would be all better when i got back. it had been a year since i had fallen into the hole of my depression and i really thought that a year was long enough to get over just about anything. i was wrong.
i went and saw my therapist last week, she told me that i was looking good. we spoke about my misconceptions of my year "get well" strategy. i told her that i was really nice to not have a lot of drama going on in my life. i decided to take another semester off of school. just because i am starting to feel a little better, i don't want to jump in feet first, over schedule myself just to end up where i was before.
i feel like i have a better support system for the drama. once, you have hit the very bottom and would be willing to do anything to make the pain go away, it starts to make everything relative to that kind of pain.
i finally flipped the other day and went off on my dept manager, she has been sleeping with one of the employees and he has since found another job, except he spends all of this time in the store and she accomplishes nothing. i know it is hypocritical. so i guess she asked me if i could go home early, i cant hear because of my sinus issues and she went and told everyone i was ignoring her. it just rubbed me the wrong way and down hill it went from their. supposedly i take 1.5 to 3 hour lunches, call in too much, and only take care of myself. so i told her that if she felt this way, she should call hr and report it and i would write it all down for her. i tried to call hr and he wasn't answering, i then asked if she wanted to call my boss and no. so she went home and took it upon herself to spend her evening calling everyone to ask them if they would sign a piece of paper on my management style. i am sure she got a few takers. then next day hr called me and told me i needed to write her up for calling me a selfish bitch, when i told her that i hoped her son felt better. she signed it and just laughed. then i am not sure who she called, must have been my boss, and that conversation must not have gone well because she was in a mood for the rest of the day. i have figured out that people seem to work better when they are mad. they seem to get things done.
my ex sent me a text the other day that a girl that used to work for me and has caused me a good amount of grief during my campaign had lost her husband and the first thought in my head was, karma. that is horrible.
i don't know how to not think bad things about people and wish bad things to happen to them. i try to pray for them and not wish they get run over by a car, but most of the time it doesn't work.
i just keep telling myself to not let people live in my head rent free
Thursday, July 31, 2014
unfair and invalidating
twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money
i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it
i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude
i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?
i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it. my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them. also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot.
i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now. it hasn't even been a week. the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible. i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement. it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry.
i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning. it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons. One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child.
i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating. It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.
i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it
i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude
i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?
i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it. my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them. also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot.
i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now. it hasn't even been a week. the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible. i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement. it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry.
i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning. it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons. One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child.
i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating. It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
bag of nickles
last night i was emotionally exhausted
i was grasping for anything that might hold me together and prove that i wasn't crazy, so i watched this interview with a guy that had written a book about happiness
he was on television with a goofy grin, wearing red chucks, and he was too frigging happy for me and i seriously wanted to reach through the TV and choke him out. I would've probably been that happy too, if i had made millions selling books on how to be happy and was poised to make a million more just for being on this show
this was his solution
if you do all of these things for 21 days, you will be happier........smh, where is my bag of nickels.
i was grasping for anything that might hold me together and prove that i wasn't crazy, so i watched this interview with a guy that had written a book about happiness
he was on television with a goofy grin, wearing red chucks, and he was too frigging happy for me and i seriously wanted to reach through the TV and choke him out. I would've probably been that happy too, if i had made millions selling books on how to be happy and was poised to make a million more just for being on this show
this was his solution
- spend two minutes everyday thinking of three things that you are grateful for and they must be different things everyday
- sometime within a 24 hour period, recall a situation that had happened to you that was meaningful and write in depth about it, essentially double dipping on your happiness experience
- exercise for 15 minutes everyday
- send a thank you email, note, or praise someone everyday
- meditate
if you do all of these things for 21 days, you will be happier........smh, where is my bag of nickels.
BRF
i cried out to God for help because i knew of nothing else to do besides stand in front of a bus
i was finally able to sit on the bed and just cry last night
cry for my failed marriage
cry for my failed emotional affair
cry for the relationship that i will never have with my mother
cry for the feeling that i had failed God
cry because of my failed RVP visit
cry because i had failed as a manager
cry because my reputation had been defiled at my previous job, that my character was taken into question and no one came to my aid
cry because i felt such sadness
cry because i have felt such sadness for such a long period of time
Joe held me and cried because i am sure that my heartache was so palpable
i don't think that i had cried that much since i was married, maybe that was why i was able to cry yesterday. I found a book that i had started and i had used the ticket from the family vacation last year as a bookmark. It was dated yesterday. I can remember how much Skippy and i fought during that vacation. I know his family knew the end was near. He didn't want to go on this vacation with his family, he didn't want to waste his precious time off, even though his parents had paid for everything and his brother had flown in from Nevada. I was excited to go, i didn't really get to do stuff like that with my parents and his mom was really starting to suffer from the effects of the Alzheimer's. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to take this last vacation while his mother still might remember. Maybe he didn't want to go with me, i remember his brother and i having more fun than him and I did.
BRF.....i laughed when his brother told Skippy that he suffered from BRF (bitchy resting face); google it, it is hilarious
i was finally able to sit on the bed and just cry last night
cry for my failed marriage
cry for my failed emotional affair
cry for the relationship that i will never have with my mother
cry for the feeling that i had failed God
cry because of my failed RVP visit
cry because i had failed as a manager
cry because my reputation had been defiled at my previous job, that my character was taken into question and no one came to my aid
cry because i felt such sadness
cry because i have felt such sadness for such a long period of time
Joe held me and cried because i am sure that my heartache was so palpable
i don't think that i had cried that much since i was married, maybe that was why i was able to cry yesterday. I found a book that i had started and i had used the ticket from the family vacation last year as a bookmark. It was dated yesterday. I can remember how much Skippy and i fought during that vacation. I know his family knew the end was near. He didn't want to go on this vacation with his family, he didn't want to waste his precious time off, even though his parents had paid for everything and his brother had flown in from Nevada. I was excited to go, i didn't really get to do stuff like that with my parents and his mom was really starting to suffer from the effects of the Alzheimer's. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to take this last vacation while his mother still might remember. Maybe he didn't want to go with me, i remember his brother and i having more fun than him and I did.
BRF.....i laughed when his brother told Skippy that he suffered from BRF (bitchy resting face); google it, it is hilarious
Friday, July 11, 2014
the bottom
i don't think that i have ever felt such a sense of desperation
i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically. i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness. i used to say my give a crap was broken. i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring. i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave. i blamed it on being raised by two broken people. living in the past, not the present. not being able to cry over my mother being dead. feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN. having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count.
i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive. amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines.
i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP.
i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy
i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card
if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit
i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation.
lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help.
i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically. i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness. i used to say my give a crap was broken. i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring. i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave. i blamed it on being raised by two broken people. living in the past, not the present. not being able to cry over my mother being dead. feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN. having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count.
i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive. amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines.
i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP.
i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy
i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card
if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit
i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation.
lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help.
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