cheerleader

I am my mother.... 

I didn't have kids. I used to tell myself that it was because I didn't want to mess up my kids like my parents. 

Reality is that I had too many abortions while still picking the same guy.

When I was "ready" to have a child, I married an impotent. "I guess the jokes on me" (NIN reference).

Tonight my (step) daughter comes home with her friends to hang out. I came home to find them all in the hot tub (it's 28 outside). 

They all are about to get out. I gather robes and wrap them up as they get out. They are trying to gather up their stuff as they get out. I send them all inside as I close up the hot tub and get their things. I walk inside to find them huddled, they are scared to drop water on the floor. Mind you, it is stained concrete and I own 3 large inside dogs. 

I tell them to not worry about getting water on the floor, just don't fall. 

On a good day, this would be my mother.

I don't want to be sydni's best friend. I do want to always be her biggest cheerleader. 

lost

My ex used to tell me that dreams were a way for my brain to work out issues or something like that. 

I have recurring dreams that I can't find joe. I've forgotten his number, my phone won't work, or I've done something to drive him away. 

My other dream is that we can't live in our home. We are staying at the old trailer in Warner, a hotel, an apartment. I keep trying to make the best out of a bad situation but I really want to be back in my nice home. 

I am lost and I can't find my way is the recurring theme. 

I am scared that I will lose everything. I think I am really scared that my mental issue will take it all away from me.

I really want to fold

Answers, I want answers.

I am mad....at god...my parents...life....my mental disorder which I don't know if it has been caused by nature or nurture or both. 

I don't know why god allows people to hurt the way I do. I need an answer that I know I will never find. If I did would it really change anything?

Is it really going to make me feel any better? Will it make my lows less lower?

I asked my "step dad" (I honestly don't know what to call him) if my mother was bipolar. From the man who likes to act like he knows everything, I didn't get an answer. 

I want answers.

I asked him why he didn't help me when I was so depressed my senior year? 

His answer

I do not have a answer for you. Falls into the should have, could have, would have's in life we all carry some of the burden for what cards life deals us. Then we just play them draw new ones or fold. 

An "I'm sorry" would be nice. 

That is what, I want an "I'm sorry" from my parents who should've never brought me into this world.

An "I'm sorry" for no one noticing or worse noticing and not helping. 

An "I'm sorry" from god for this crappy "hand" I've been felt. 

too much

Tonight my nephew is spending the night because his parents went to stay with his brother in okc.

Anyways. Logistics. I am spoiled. I DON'T EVEN PUMP MY OWN GAS. 

Jenny: can you watch Corinthian Monday. 

Me: sure

Her: he has to be at soccer practice before 645?

Me: am?

Her: Joe what time do you go to work? 

Joe:530

Me: (I got this) I have a meeting (trying to sound important) that morning in Tulsa. I can drop him off on the way. (I am already calculating what time I have to get up to make all of this happen in brady style....f, she had a maid or whatever alice was)

Her: I will bring him Monday night

Me: just go, I can pick him up on my way home 

AM today

Corinthian: what time do you get off work

Me: (silently..I haven't even made it to work). 6

Yesterday

Me: wtf are you thinking, this is why you didn't have kids...you can barely make it to where you are supposed to be on time.

Also me: thank you jesus, my meeting isn't until Wednesday...

I knew he loved me when he touched my feet.

Joe told me a guy we went to high school with sent him a message. I asked why, he said it was to check in on him. His friend hadn't heard from him in awhile. 

Hmmm, women think they have close friends. Men has friendships that last forever. 

Perfect example. My friend's wedding a few weeks ago. It was like a mini reunion. My friend only had 3 of her girlfriends show up. The groom (graduated a year before us) had more friends and they drove further than anyone on my friend's side to attend.

I get why I don't have close girlfriends. I flake out on people. I periodically drop off the face of the earth and the winner is.....I don't like to leave my house. 

Joe has never met a stranger and he meets people where they are. He accepts people exactly the way he finds them. 

It's something I adore about my husband. He has made me a softer person.

I no longer have to have my guard up that he will break me, leave me, or worse.... stay and destroy me one moment at a time. 

if a tree falls...

..... and no one hears it, did it really fall?

I annoy myself and people like me annoy me. 

Have you ever met a one upper? You know that person that always has a story to top yours?

I am an the idiot that will believe whatever you say until I figure out it is a lie. I will then rerun everything you've ever told me and assume it as false too.

The holidays were hard. 3 dads who have decided not to participate in my life. I work retail, most guests don't care as long as you have what they want. Introducing the last part of the trifecta. My mental illness. 

I used to go to doctors but no one could ever figure out what to do with me, like my mother when she had her brain radiated. Am I bipolar type 2, PTSD, general anxiety disorder, severe depression? It used to be very important to me to have a proper diagnosis. Really? Does it matter, I still feel close to losing hope. 

If you drop out of social media and no one notices. Do you think life works that way? 

My neighbor has been at her niece's for over a year in PT. 

Today the vultures are showing up to take away the remnants of her life. I see them smiling because they got a good deal. 

I want to scream at them. She was a kind woman who gave me her and her late husband's watch for a wedding gift because she didn't have a daughter. 

She always asked how I was doing in school. She was my cheerleader.

I left the dogs outside to bark at these people and to annoy them the way their comings and goings annoy me.

just tired

lets catch up shall we

I receive a random message from my estranged step day on oct 20th...happy birthday and anniversary, belated. They were out of the country at a conference. Now, I can come and get my mothers plaques. My sister suggest that my husband goes and gets them. Great idea. Joe goes on the first day because we don't want to wait too long like we did last time and not get them. He doesn't have them but he does at least ask about me. Joe goes on his next day off, I am so thankful to have a part of my mother. The package has my name as brook...I just celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary, joe was told that these plaques were suppose to go to me when I worked at Petco. Deep breath, whatever. 

joe was looking for an empty box and came in with this really fancy box, I thought sydni had ordered something. a few days later, joe says something about cookies in the fridge. syds friends are always selling something so I just thought it was a fundraiser. joe brings me the box and it is a present from Rodney and his wife. I send them a text thanking them because I don't want to seem like the spoiled brat that he has made me out to be. last night I get a text "test, test, test". 

okay, you cannot be another absentee parent that shows up three years later with a teddy bear when I am nine and act like everything is okay.

I cut myself twice and you told me that you couldn't help me and that I needed to find god.....Halloween cookies aren't going to make that disappear.

if you want to be an adult and have an adult conversation, ask. 

I am tired of games.