It is funny how the names may have changed but the story always stays the same. I think the biggest shame in life is when people have opportunities and waste them. I am pretty sure that i have worked for everything i have ever gotten in my life, except for my looks and well concealer really helps.
I know that god has a plan and that my plan is different than other peoples. It really is difficult to be happy for someone who seems to glide right through life, wasting their good fortune along the way. Leaving behind the debris for others to clean up.
I have had a job since i was 16. I have had a car payment most of my life. I don't think there were any other students i went to high school with that had a car payment....but then again most of them drove crap.
I know that i have had various degrees of depression my entire life. I have finally come to grip with the fact that i will be on some kind of medication for the rest of my life and that doesn't make me a loser.
My drive to prove something to really no one other than myself exhausts me. I don't know how to not work hard. I have always envied people who could live with mediocrity....it must take less energy. I have given up perfection or at least have lowered my standards.
Unfortunately, i have lessened the standards for people around me....not that i probably expected too much to begin with. I always let my people explain themselves, trying to see the big picture and not jump to conclusions. I learned that lesson from my last company and it stinks when it happens to you. The flip side of that is when i have given you every chance in the book and you still take advantage of me, then i will write you off with the quickness. I have succeeded at not becoming angry or bitter (for the most part).
"I want to forgive and forget....i have forgiven you, now i want to forget you" Lauren Conrad
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
free fall
love is how the other person makes you feel
I think this is why people are so passionate about their animals. My girls don't care if i haven't showered, brushed my teeth or hair. They never ask me what is for dinner or complain. They always look at me like i am the greatest person on the earth......which is why the quote "god, please make me the person my dog thinks i am" is so popular.
When i was younger i somehow thought being a tortured soul was cool, mysterious.
My parents, supposedly, made a conscious decision to raise me to be independent.
Unfortunately, i think that means feeling as if you are always in free fall. Really being independent means only being dependent on yourself.
I always feel as though i am falling apart, on the verge of a meltdown, and in fear of losing it all. When you spend so much of your life with people who are damaged, your emotions are always on a roller coaster. I still have huge control issues. Always wanting to never be caught off guard by the next big tragedy. Always feeling as though i must fix something and that i am never good enough to fix it. Pushing and pulling everyone in my life, i push you away and then change my mind and pull you back. If you are lucky enough to find a happy medium in my life, it will be at arms length....it is just less exhausting that way. You can not be close enough to hurt me, but close enough that i get pseudo intimacy, or perceived intimacy. If you leave, then part of me will be thankful that the dance is over, but fearful of the impulsive decisions i make....which will lead me to my next entanglement. Then the dance will start again with a new partner. I had someone tell me once when we broke up "face it, if you weren't with me, then you would be with someone else....if i weren't with you, then i would be with someone else". I remind him of that every chance i get.
That brings me back to my tortured soul feeling.
I finally went and saw my doctor about my inability to focus. He wanted to know how long i had felt like this, in which i replied, "as long as i can remember". He asked why i had never been diagnosed before? I felt unnoticed growing up. I don't think that my parents ever were malicious to me as a child. I just think that they did the best job they knew how with the tools that they were given.
This is why i never had children. I know how selfish i am. I don't like people being very dependent on me. It suffocates me and makes me feel claustrophobic and i want to run. My dad always wanted me to be a nurse. Ugh, i hate dealing with sick people, they are so needy.
Ironically enough, i have commitment issues. It scared the crap out of me to buy my house.....a 30 year mortgage???? I will be sixty something when i pay off my house, another ugh.
Yin and Yang.....a relationshipist with commitment issues.
I think this is why people are so passionate about their animals. My girls don't care if i haven't showered, brushed my teeth or hair. They never ask me what is for dinner or complain. They always look at me like i am the greatest person on the earth......which is why the quote "god, please make me the person my dog thinks i am" is so popular.
When i was younger i somehow thought being a tortured soul was cool, mysterious.
My parents, supposedly, made a conscious decision to raise me to be independent.
Unfortunately, i think that means feeling as if you are always in free fall. Really being independent means only being dependent on yourself.
I always feel as though i am falling apart, on the verge of a meltdown, and in fear of losing it all. When you spend so much of your life with people who are damaged, your emotions are always on a roller coaster. I still have huge control issues. Always wanting to never be caught off guard by the next big tragedy. Always feeling as though i must fix something and that i am never good enough to fix it. Pushing and pulling everyone in my life, i push you away and then change my mind and pull you back. If you are lucky enough to find a happy medium in my life, it will be at arms length....it is just less exhausting that way. You can not be close enough to hurt me, but close enough that i get pseudo intimacy, or perceived intimacy. If you leave, then part of me will be thankful that the dance is over, but fearful of the impulsive decisions i make....which will lead me to my next entanglement. Then the dance will start again with a new partner. I had someone tell me once when we broke up "face it, if you weren't with me, then you would be with someone else....if i weren't with you, then i would be with someone else". I remind him of that every chance i get.
That brings me back to my tortured soul feeling.
I finally went and saw my doctor about my inability to focus. He wanted to know how long i had felt like this, in which i replied, "as long as i can remember". He asked why i had never been diagnosed before? I felt unnoticed growing up. I don't think that my parents ever were malicious to me as a child. I just think that they did the best job they knew how with the tools that they were given.
This is why i never had children. I know how selfish i am. I don't like people being very dependent on me. It suffocates me and makes me feel claustrophobic and i want to run. My dad always wanted me to be a nurse. Ugh, i hate dealing with sick people, they are so needy.
Ironically enough, i have commitment issues. It scared the crap out of me to buy my house.....a 30 year mortgage???? I will be sixty something when i pay off my house, another ugh.
Yin and Yang.....a relationshipist with commitment issues.
for the love of the game
"for the love of the game"
You know, I always thought
that men and women...
should just
carry around signs.
If you're poor and you can't
afford it, you would make yours
out of cardboard and string.
And if you're rich,
you could have it lettered
in gold leaf...
or pounded out of tin
by Mexican craftsmen.
[ Chuckling ]
It doesn't matter.
But you wear them
around your neck, see?
And they say things,
like ''shallow'' or ''horny.''
It just--
It just would be
a hell of a lot easier.
What would yours say?
Inwhich she writes the word "yes"
I love movies where it shows a smart, beautiful woman who isn't all together, who seems vulnerable and apologizes for it, but not really. It teaches me that it is okay to not be everything to everyone and to fall apart occasionally. The world isn't a horrible place where the vultures are waiting to pick you apart at the first sign of weakness. Most importantly it is okay to be weak, smart, beautiful, sexy, and vulnerable.
Here are a few things that i have learned about relationships....
You know, I always thought
that men and women...
should just
carry around signs.
If you're poor and you can't
afford it, you would make yours
out of cardboard and string.
And if you're rich,
you could have it lettered
in gold leaf...
or pounded out of tin
by Mexican craftsmen.
[ Chuckling ]
It doesn't matter.
But you wear them
around your neck, see?
And they say things,
like ''shallow'' or ''horny.''
It just--
It just would be
a hell of a lot easier.
What would yours say?
Inwhich she writes the word "yes"
I love movies where it shows a smart, beautiful woman who isn't all together, who seems vulnerable and apologizes for it, but not really. It teaches me that it is okay to not be everything to everyone and to fall apart occasionally. The world isn't a horrible place where the vultures are waiting to pick you apart at the first sign of weakness. Most importantly it is okay to be weak, smart, beautiful, sexy, and vulnerable.
Here are a few things that i have learned about relationships....
- pick your battles
- be with someone who has enduring friendships, most of the time if their family has turned their back on them, there is probably a reason why....unless they were raised by wolves and sometimes that might be preferable
- pay attention how he or she talks about exes and past relationships (women, you aren't going to change him....please stop trying), because one day that will be you
- we have all done things we aren't proud of, if he glamorizes it then he isn't sorry and will repeat it
- guys, always open the door and cut the cord from your mother, it isn't sexy
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
outsider looking in
It is amazingly easy to give advice when you are on the outside.
Ironically enough the lady that cuts my hair and I had a long talk about her, her husband, me, my husband, and our codependent issues.
I always thought people should have a butt double, a person who has a body shape just like yours so that way you could see how you looked in clothes. It is incredibly difficult to see your butt in those dressing room mirrors, you end up looking like a dog chasing your tail. Relationships should be like that, you should have a relationship double, it would make decisions so much easier.
Ironically enough the lady that cuts my hair and I had a long talk about her, her husband, me, my husband, and our codependent issues.
I always thought people should have a butt double, a person who has a body shape just like yours so that way you could see how you looked in clothes. It is incredibly difficult to see your butt in those dressing room mirrors, you end up looking like a dog chasing your tail. Relationships should be like that, you should have a relationship double, it would make decisions so much easier.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
a total eclipse of the heart
when harry met sally
Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.
The best relationship movie EVER.
This is a great analogy of relationships. Some people say this is a negative view on life, my dad and i call it reality.
My dad being a divorce lawyer, me being a product of divorce and the poster child of "what not to do in a relationship" or "who NEVER to date" or "love life status constant car wreck"......
At the beginning, no one EVER thinks that a relationship will end. I recall a time when my ex and I lived together and I was standing in the kitchen watching him mow, thinking about what an idiot he was. Matt came over one day and mowed the lawn and i stood in the kitchen watching him mow and thought how nice it was to not be thinking about an idiot. Fast forward, i watch him mow the lawn now and think how shocked i am that he isn't on warcraft, or what an idiot he is for sleeping all day and then waiting until the hottest part of the day to mow.
I cannot stand having the "what to have for dinner" conversation. This conversation is actually good for my waist line, because i usually don't have the conversation and thus nothing for dinner.
There is a part of "when harry met sally" where harry is talking to jes about sleeping with sally. "You sleep together, she tells me her stories, i tell her mine, but we already know each others stories, so there is nothing to talk about".
At the beginning, you LOVE hearing each others stories. Now, you either hope they will shut up soon so that you can push play on the dvr or you tell them you have already heard this story.
This is why i stay. Familiarity, i don't have to entertain, look sexy 24/7, shave, or most of the time sit in the same room.
Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.
The best relationship movie EVER.
This is a great analogy of relationships. Some people say this is a negative view on life, my dad and i call it reality.
My dad being a divorce lawyer, me being a product of divorce and the poster child of "what not to do in a relationship" or "who NEVER to date" or "love life status constant car wreck"......
At the beginning, no one EVER thinks that a relationship will end. I recall a time when my ex and I lived together and I was standing in the kitchen watching him mow, thinking about what an idiot he was. Matt came over one day and mowed the lawn and i stood in the kitchen watching him mow and thought how nice it was to not be thinking about an idiot. Fast forward, i watch him mow the lawn now and think how shocked i am that he isn't on warcraft, or what an idiot he is for sleeping all day and then waiting until the hottest part of the day to mow.
I cannot stand having the "what to have for dinner" conversation. This conversation is actually good for my waist line, because i usually don't have the conversation and thus nothing for dinner.
There is a part of "when harry met sally" where harry is talking to jes about sleeping with sally. "You sleep together, she tells me her stories, i tell her mine, but we already know each others stories, so there is nothing to talk about".
At the beginning, you LOVE hearing each others stories. Now, you either hope they will shut up soon so that you can push play on the dvr or you tell them you have already heard this story.
This is why i stay. Familiarity, i don't have to entertain, look sexy 24/7, shave, or most of the time sit in the same room.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
the celibate life
I was told the other day that i was very strong for having a blog. This person told me they were proud of me and that they would never be able to do this. It isnt as if i even use my real name or post it on my fb page (i am not that brave yet). I dont think that you can control when and where you have an epiphany, which is what therapy is to me. I like the ability to be able to sit down at the end of the day and put out into the universe whatever issue or struggle i am having at whatever particular time i want, besides it is free.
Perception is reality, my favorite quote other than the definition of insantiy.....
Well what people perceive of my life isnt reality. Over four years ago i was living with someone who was crazy and i was sure that if i told him to leave that he would kill me. I met my husband, we started going to lunch, but i wouldnt let it go any further. I really believed that there was a window of opportunity in life to meet someone and i was probably going out with some pshychopath and missed out on the really great guy. Finally Matt gave me an ultimatium and i made my decision, which thankfully enough was presented to my soon to be ex as a weekend away. It is amazing how well they get the hint when you turn off their phone and change the locks.
Let this be the lesson, be a jerk to someone long enough and they will eventually kick your ass to the curb.
I really wasnt looking for anything serious, i had a few people i wanted to date. Besides, i owned my own home, paid all of the bills, and really liked living alone. Matt was the first person that i ever went out with that took care of things. I didnt have to ask. I didnt have to leave him a note and remind him. It made life easier. Is this what a partner is all about.
I had spent the last decade in a relationship with crazy people that i didnt trust my own judgement about guys, so i drug him to meet every person in my life that really knew me (thankfully that would be just two, my bff and dad). Green light, we spent more and more time together. Matt had told me that he wouldnt have sex with someone until he knew it was the person he wanted to spend his life with (ahhh). How charming (eye roll now). We started dating in September. He promised me he wouldnt make me wait unitl the new year. We were engaged in December (my engagement ring) was my christmas present (picking out the ring, there is another story). Still, no bedroom time. I began to make this my personal challenge. He then told me that he thought it would be the right thing to do to wait until we were married.
Okay, i have my sex issues. I had spent the last 5 years with a guy that i had to be intoxicated to have sex with. Waiting until our wedding night, maybe this would help me with "sex is dirty" outlook.
This is where i take responsibility for this situation that i am now in. Matt moved in around thanksgiving, so i am thinking i should have had a permanent bruise on my back from being poked so much during the night, right???? Nope. We messed around and i never saw him hard.
I was so thankful to be with someone who had a job, was educated, came from a good (noncrazy) family, and was absolutely over the moon about me. I started the countdown to get laid.
Short story long, nothing, nada, not even a passionate kiss on my wedding night.
Perception is reality, my favorite quote other than the definition of insantiy.....
Well what people perceive of my life isnt reality. Over four years ago i was living with someone who was crazy and i was sure that if i told him to leave that he would kill me. I met my husband, we started going to lunch, but i wouldnt let it go any further. I really believed that there was a window of opportunity in life to meet someone and i was probably going out with some pshychopath and missed out on the really great guy. Finally Matt gave me an ultimatium and i made my decision, which thankfully enough was presented to my soon to be ex as a weekend away. It is amazing how well they get the hint when you turn off their phone and change the locks.
Let this be the lesson, be a jerk to someone long enough and they will eventually kick your ass to the curb.
I really wasnt looking for anything serious, i had a few people i wanted to date. Besides, i owned my own home, paid all of the bills, and really liked living alone. Matt was the first person that i ever went out with that took care of things. I didnt have to ask. I didnt have to leave him a note and remind him. It made life easier. Is this what a partner is all about.
I had spent the last decade in a relationship with crazy people that i didnt trust my own judgement about guys, so i drug him to meet every person in my life that really knew me (thankfully that would be just two, my bff and dad). Green light, we spent more and more time together. Matt had told me that he wouldnt have sex with someone until he knew it was the person he wanted to spend his life with (ahhh). How charming (eye roll now). We started dating in September. He promised me he wouldnt make me wait unitl the new year. We were engaged in December (my engagement ring) was my christmas present (picking out the ring, there is another story). Still, no bedroom time. I began to make this my personal challenge. He then told me that he thought it would be the right thing to do to wait until we were married.
Okay, i have my sex issues. I had spent the last 5 years with a guy that i had to be intoxicated to have sex with. Waiting until our wedding night, maybe this would help me with "sex is dirty" outlook.
This is where i take responsibility for this situation that i am now in. Matt moved in around thanksgiving, so i am thinking i should have had a permanent bruise on my back from being poked so much during the night, right???? Nope. We messed around and i never saw him hard.
I was so thankful to be with someone who had a job, was educated, came from a good (noncrazy) family, and was absolutely over the moon about me. I started the countdown to get laid.
Short story long, nothing, nada, not even a passionate kiss on my wedding night.
Friday, February 17, 2012
the best relationship that i never had
Perception is reality.
People always want what they cant have and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.
I will never understand this. I was pursued by a guy for almost two years, then one day he got my attention. He just asked me to marry him. I (never wanting to be abandoned) said yes. He bought me the huge ring (i thought a carat was huge), had a joint checking account, joint credit cards, we moved in together, he treated me badly, we fought, then he broke up with me. Proceeded to go out the following weekend and along with a few other guys have sex with a chic in a car. Ironically she got pregnant. Oh and i forgot to tell you that once he got so drunk on a float trip with his newly acquainted sister, that he kissed her.
I met his wife once and she gave me a very evil look. Supposedly, he almost called her my name on their wedding day. Clearly, she felt as though our relationship was something enviable.
About once every couple of years, he comes along to see if there is still a chance. I then have to remind him that he treated me very badly, we were horrible together, and he was the one that broke up with me. Ask him and he will tell you that i was the one that got away????
I often wonder if i am just programmed to remember only bad things about past relationships.
People always want what they cant have and once they get it, they don't want it anymore.
I will never understand this. I was pursued by a guy for almost two years, then one day he got my attention. He just asked me to marry him. I (never wanting to be abandoned) said yes. He bought me the huge ring (i thought a carat was huge), had a joint checking account, joint credit cards, we moved in together, he treated me badly, we fought, then he broke up with me. Proceeded to go out the following weekend and along with a few other guys have sex with a chic in a car. Ironically she got pregnant. Oh and i forgot to tell you that once he got so drunk on a float trip with his newly acquainted sister, that he kissed her.
I met his wife once and she gave me a very evil look. Supposedly, he almost called her my name on their wedding day. Clearly, she felt as though our relationship was something enviable.
About once every couple of years, he comes along to see if there is still a chance. I then have to remind him that he treated me very badly, we were horrible together, and he was the one that broke up with me. Ask him and he will tell you that i was the one that got away????
I often wonder if i am just programmed to remember only bad things about past relationships.
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