Monday, December 1, 2014

the pain

the last week has been really hard, i have gone from being amused by things to feeling as if i wanted to just lay down and give up

i felt like the poor lady who was bawling over her fish dying, one little thing was all it was going to take to push me over the edge

Saturday morning was it, one of my people told me that my ex mother in law died......i called Matt to tell him how sorry i was and ask what i could do and i just fell apart.  so i just sent him a text and told him to delete my message.  he never responded which i didn't think he would.  me getting remarried was the ultimate betrayal. 

as when anyone tells me something horrible about myself, i just play it in my mind....over and over again.  i can remember Bobbi telling me that i was selfish and the only person that i thought of was myself.  i was hurt that no one came to my mothers funeral and she looked me dead in the eye and said "you hated your mother, she was a bitch".   it was as if someone sucked the air out of the room.  Dustin said he couldn't believe she said that.  it just made me realize exactly what type of person i was dealing with.  today i realized that she is projecting her junk on to me.  it really isn't about me, but it is affecting me.  i just pray that one day she will find someone that is good to her and she doesn't ruin it with her own issues.

my niece saw her ex riding around in a car with a bunch of girls, it really bothered her.  i told her why girls like the bad boy, but the issue is that he will always treat you bad and hurt you. 

i can remember being a teen and when i would get hurt i would just wallow in the pain, reliving it and dragging it out as long as i could.  i just thought that i was being a melodramatic teenager, but there is part of me that really thought i deserved it, it felt so good.  i had done to my mind and my heart what most girls do when they cut, except all of my scars were on the inside. 

my first husband.  i so wanted someone to see how bad he had treated me and justify my pain and the injustice of it all, but there was no one to do that.  my family wasn't and his family couldn't,  i cant stand women that play the victim, but i have done it so much.  being the martyr, taking on all of the maybe someone, somewhere would see this and come and save me and validate my pain. 

i so wanted someone to validate my life, my pain, and the injustice of it all and tell me that i didn't deserve one did