Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Birthday bad luck

Tomorrow is national coffee day.

Who do you contact to get a national blah, blah, blah day? Do you just announce it? It isn't like people have real calendars anymore. In the past you would reference hallmark for something like that but now i don't think there is a calendar official. Maybe you just declare it and send an email.

I think i will declare tomorrow national "don't be an asshat and ruin my birthday" day. I will send my boss an email.

This will fix all of my birthday bad luck.

I don't really have anyone's email anymore and since this is so last minute, i will just make a Facebook notification.

Birthdays and beer

Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't think i have had a good birthday since i turned 30.

I had a boyfriend tell me to shut the F up on my birthday. I had such a horrible customer that she made me cry. I had a rep there that day, every time i saw him after that day, he always looked at me like i was emotionally unstable and to approach with caution.

Everyone forgot my 16th birthday. I was literally Sam in 16 candles except there was no wedding or cute guy with a Porsche.

My poor husband. I told him he needed to call JCPenny the other day because i received an email with a bill. There was no way we could have a bill, i cut up that credit card with many others long ago. He spilled the beans, he bought my birthday gift. I asked him how he thought he was going to hide that from me since i pay the bills. He checks the mail, this is his job in life. He was going to get the bill before i saw it....he forgets that his wife is a tree hugger and receives paperless statements. Then the other day i asked him what he bought at best buy. He told me to stop snooping. I have at least 2 different links to our checking account on my does he think he is going to hide this from me?

I will probably have to work. My plan is to get in early and get out early. My boss will probably show up on Friday, have a fit that i still have freight on the floor but he can get glad in the same pants he got mad in...

I started listening to NPR again. Budweiser bought out Miller for 100+ billion. It is the biggest acquisition ever. There was a bunch more to the story but what i found interesting is that apparently Africa is a growing beer drinking market. Joe said that it's probably because it is cleaner than their water.

This made me wonder; have Americans changed to liquor, stopped drinking, or just switched to heroine. This would explain all the crackheads.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Old/new diagnosis

I went and saw my psychiatrist today.

He put me on ADD medication because i struggle with concentration. I didn't tell him that my therapist thinks i am bipolar. I've only seen her twice. I figure i will humor him and take my sample pack. I have felt this way my whole life so one more month isn't really going to matter.

Everyone keeps asking me what i do for fun. What's that? He asks if i read, used to but struggle with concentration. Is there a TV show that i like to watch. I watch TV until i can fall asleep.

Joe asked me how my dr appointment went. I told him that he thinks i have ADD. He asked me what i thought. I don't know what to think. I try and go to these appointments with an open mind. I try to talk less and listen more. I keep wondering when they will get the recipe right.

I am frustrated. I don't know how people are suppose to feel. I wish i had the words to describe why i am bitchy and irritated. This is the only way i know to feel.

I became jealous of someone on whisper who posted that they can name every feeling they feel. I only know sad and irritated.

I think i may die before i can live life without all of these emotional upheavals.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Too much

"My need to be loved was like Chinese food. An hour later and i needed to hear it again."
Karla Dougherty

Joe used to ask me all of the time if he told me too much that he loved me. I thought it was an insane question. What person can hear "i love you" too much? Then i remembered the people from my past who thought i was too much.

Joe stopped asking that after awhile. I don't believe that someone can fill the holes but i do believe the right person can help fill the gaps.

I have calmed his insecurities and he has become my soft spot to land.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Surreal lyrics

"Everybody needs a little time away," I heard her say, "from each other."
"Even lover's need a holiday far away from each other." Chicago

I heard this song tonight.

I remember hearing it in the 80's when my parents were divorcing. I thought maybe these lyrics were the answer to my father's heartache.

Of course i didn't know about his constant infidelity. I only knew that i felt his sadness to the core of my soul and wanted it to go away. He was my world and i wanted him to be okay.

I think that my mother was the first and only woman that had ever left him. The only woman that wasn't willing to put up with his bad behavior to just be with him. I think that was a very rude awakening for him.

Checking out

So, Monday sydni was suppose to take her driving test. I have left this to her and her father, thinking that it was important and they wouldn't miss a step.

It is another case of either learn how to read or listen. We have chosen to parent teach driver's education.  You have to log the hours she drives, nighttime and daytime. She had to take a test, send it in, wait for her results then go take her written test before she could get her permit.

She practiced parallel parking sunday night. Joe and her got up early monday morning.  They didn't have all of their stuff then come to find out she has to take another written test before she can take her driving test.

I just feel as though i let her down. I feel as though i have disappointed so many people in my life. I just don't want her to be one more person. 

I apologized. She said it was no big deal. I told her it was and i knew it was important to her.

I know her mother will just use this situation to call her dad a dumbass and that will be one more thing that sydni will carry around with her. I hate the damage that i see being done. I can't stand that her mother thinks it's all a competition. I just stopped competiting. She walked in front of me at the game tonight.  I just looked right through her, there is no need to acknowledge her silly games.

Now i know why she is always so checked out.

Sunday, September 11, 2016



Fifteen years ago today.

I was very somber today.

I remember calling my mother, she was at lunch at a place that is no longer in business with a friend who died years ago. She asked me if i was okay.

I sometimes think i don't even know the meaning of the word okay.

I can only recall 2 occasions when my mother was panicked. Once i was attacked by a dog and we were going to the emergency room. The other Rodney had been in a car wreck.

I really do miss her.

I wished that Rodney would have left years ago like his new wife says that he wanted to but couldn't because mother had gotten sick.

I could've seen him for the person he truly was and is. I could have stopped wasting time on another man who was unable to give to someone else, especially me.

Mother and i would've been forced to figure it out. He wouldn't have been allowed to see her lose her dignity.

Maybe i could've learned to not fear her, the venom she could spew.

Maybe i would've ended up exactly like him and i would just be angrier.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Stop the bleeding

It's not so much the disconnects in our is the lack of repair's the lack of connection after the abuse happens.

I have had my feelings minimized for so long that i even discount my pain. "Get over it", "it wasn't that important", it was just a guy that your mother was married to.

It is the only way i know to stop feeling the pain, to stop the bleeding.

Shutting down

My mind is swirling.

I woke up this morning to joe rubbing the foster dog's nose in poo. I can't help but think of the narcissist and when he flipped out on his dog because he chewed a phone cord. He was so angry, he threw the dog through a sliding glass window after he wrapped the cord around the dog's neck. I am blown away by my ability to accept bad behavior.

It is unsettling to me.

I am letting go of the step mom/step dad relationship. It has caused me more heartache than i need and deserve. The reality is that he was married to my mother, she is dead and now there is nothing to bond us anymore. I never would have thought that he would've been gone from my life with her but things change and i need to accept the truth. I just keep telling my heart that he was just my step dad and the message from my step mom was abundantly clear that i need to just get over it.

I am concerned about closing another door to my heart. I become concerned that one day there will be nothing more of my heart to give. I don't want to be shut off from the world with nothing more to give and nothing to accept.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

It's all relative

Woke up to the too familiar smell of crap..... the new foster dog isn't working our well.

I have been up since 3am. My stomach is churning. My feet have stopped swelling but they hurt. I wore my boots today hoping that would help and then iced both ankles when i got home to ease the pain.

I wonder if i ever really had it all together.

I came into the living room so joe could sleep. My entourage decided to keep me company so i now have a 110lb rottie sleeping on me. It reminds me they need a bath.

The last year has been such a blur. I have really wondered at times if i have had a breakdown. Apparently to be considered a "real" breakdown, lack of hygiene must be involved.

Unfortunately, i have bills to pay so i must go to work. I can't say that i have been particularly effective at my job but i did at least take a shower and show up....considerably late most of the time but there none the less.

I always thought that given a year i could get over most anything. Oregon taught me different, that summer started a chain of events that truly changed my being.

I often wonder if the storm is over or if the water has just receded long enough to gain momentum for the next huge wave.

I have experienced unrelenting pain. I can't say that i have developed better coping skills. Beyond my husband and daughter, i have had to let go of any meaningful relationship due to it's damage on my well being.

I've had to put it all into perspective.