Monday, March 23, 2015

Ocd obsession

I have spent the last six years having an internal struggle with god and religion.

I think if I go to church, read my bible, and pray that God will have favor on me.  It is obsessive.  I feel as though when I sin or don't follow these rules that God will punish me. I have allowed this belief to give me anxiety, make my relationship with God and religion to become complicated and difficult.

My need for perfection also is problematic.  If I don't follow the process then I become stressed, feel guilty, and un worthy.  So then I stop the entire process feeling like a hypocrite when I start the process.  I profusely ask God for forgiveness.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Time wasted

So.....I was married 6 years ago on pi day.  By the way, I am so glad that day is over, it was annoying.

Ironically enough I had received a letter from social security for him.  I thought about being crappy and just throwing it away or write on it that he didn't live here.  I thought about making him be inconvenienced to come and get it from me but then I would have to see him and he would just be a jerk and upset me.  I dropped it off at his dad's building.  I then sent him a text telling him it was there, he replies that he will get it the next day after church.  Then I suppose he remembered common courtesy and sent a thank you. Not wanting to engage in a conversation, I didn't respond.

He was impotent, I had wondered, but didn't ask before we got married.  So I do take some of the blame.  I could've had an annulment. That was my fault as well.  I am angry that I wasted (yes I realize how exaggerated I sound) 6  years of my life, of my reproductive life because I made a promise before God, family, and friends.  We had planned to have a family and now I am 42 and don't want to be 60 when my child turns 18. I was 35 when we married, it would've been great to start a family then.  I know that everything happens for a reason. I would just be irritated now because I would have to deal with him forever.  I am not sure now that he could've been selfless enough to have a child.  He was obviously too immature in our marriage to think of someone else, I am sure a child wouldn't have changed that.  Maybe I would've left earlier, to shield my child from his anger and selfishness.  Maybe he was angry at his situation, angry that he wouldn't do anything about it, angry that he had it to begin with.  I wouldn't know, he wouldn't talk to me without it becoming an argument.

Sadly, it took that to finally make me realize what I really did want in a relationship and to stop letting other people abuse me.

Saturday, March 7, 2015


exactly where does all of the time go.....

i look at my last post it was over 2 weeks ago

Speaking of time.  I love my timehop updates.  I had one from my bacherolete party before I married Skippy.  I think back to that time and the hopes I had for the future.

I am grateful now that we weren't able to have a family.  I don't think I would have the patience to deal with him.  Then I wonder if he would've been able to have sex or had pursued correcting the problem if we would have split up. 

I don't think that he ever understood how deceived I felt.  I really do believe that if I had not brought up the subject that he would have probably never acknowledged it, even though I suppose he never did.

I don't know how you unsee things, how you unremember events. I truly believe that time heals all wounds but I am not sure time can remove memories that are branded into your soul.

I used to think that God put Skippy and I together so I didn't have to deal with my intimacy issues but when he wanted to get naked and cuddle.  I just felt dirty. 

I know some of my intimacy issues come from butch and his view of women and how he treated women.  Literally and figuratively.  I don't think that it was healthy to have a daughter in the house with porn.  Magazines, books, videos, you name it.  I don't think you should hear your parent having sex with some random person in the next room.  We lived in a trailer, he had a water bed and the entire house would shake when he was having sex.  The first time it happened, I was maybe 9.  I was scared, didn't have a clue what was happening and even more embarrassing was I had a friend over.  I wanted to die.

Then my ex husband.  He thought since I was his wife that sex was my duty and if I didn't want to have sex with him then I should lay there in bed while be had sex with someone else.