Thursday, July 31, 2014

unfair and invalidating

twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money

i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it

i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude

i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?

i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it.  my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them.  also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot. 

i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now.  it hasn't even been a week.  the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible.  i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement.  it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry. 

i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning.  it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons.  One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child. 

i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating.  It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

bag of nickles

last night i was emotionally exhausted

i was grasping for anything that might hold me together and prove that i wasn't crazy, so i watched this interview with a guy that had written a book about happiness

he was on television with a goofy grin, wearing red chucks, and he was too frigging happy for me and i seriously wanted to reach through the TV and choke him out.  I would've probably been that happy too, if i had made millions selling books on how to be happy and was poised to make a million more just for being on this show

this was his solution

  • spend two minutes everyday thinking of three things that you are grateful for and they must be different things everyday
  • sometime within a 24 hour period, recall a situation that had happened to you that was meaningful and write in depth about it, essentially double dipping on your happiness experience
  • exercise for 15 minutes everyday
  • send a thank you email, note, or praise someone everyday
  • meditate

if you do all of these things for 21 days, you will be happier........smh, where is my bag of nickels. 


i cried out to God for help because i knew of nothing else to do besides stand in front of a bus

i was finally able to sit on the bed and just cry last night
cry for my failed marriage
cry for my failed emotional affair
cry for the relationship that i will never have with my mother
cry for the feeling that i had failed God
cry because of my failed RVP visit
cry because i had failed as a manager
cry because my reputation had been defiled at my previous job, that my character was taken into question and no one came to my aid
cry because i felt such sadness
cry because i have felt such sadness for such a long period of time

Joe held me and cried because i am sure that my heartache was so palpable

i don't think that i had cried that much since i was married, maybe that was why i was able to cry yesterday.  I found a book that i had started and i had used the ticket from the family vacation last year as a bookmark.  It was dated yesterday.  I can remember how much Skippy and i fought during that vacation.  I know his family knew the end was near.  He didn't want to go on this vacation with his family, he didn't want to waste his precious time off, even though his parents had paid for everything and his brother had flown in from Nevada.  I was excited to go, i didn't really get to do stuff like that with my parents and his mom was really starting to suffer from the effects of the Alzheimer's.  I couldn't understand why he didn't want to take this last vacation while his mother still might remember.  Maybe he didn't want to go with me, i remember his brother and i having more fun than him and I did. 

BRF.....i laughed when his brother told Skippy that he suffered from BRF (bitchy resting face); google it, it is hilarious

Friday, July 11, 2014

the bottom

i don't think that i have ever felt such a sense of desperation

i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically.  i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness.  i used to say my give a crap was broken.  i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring.  i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave.  i blamed it on being raised by two broken people.  living in the past, not the present.  not being able to cry over my mother being dead.  feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN.  having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count. 

i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive.  amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines. 

i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP. 

i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy

i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card

if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit

i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation. 

lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help.