Sunday, March 30, 2014

When will I learn?

So I walked right into the trap Tuesday

Skippy came by with the state taxes for me to sign.  I was trying to be nice and ask him if he wanted the pots and pans that he left. He then pulls out his phone and starts ignoring me. I walk away. He gets done, then says to me that he didn't hear a word I had said. I should have just said never mind. I don't, I repeat myself. "What do mean by pots and pans" was his reply. Pots and pans I say. "Cast iron", no, just basic Teflon pots and pans. He then tells me that he would have to see them. He finally left to tend to his important business.

I became so upset because it brought back all the times that he made me feel unimportant and felt the need to put me in my place. I then became upset because I participated in his little reindeer game.

One of the adoption partners is having a garage sale. Anything left will be donated. I don't need or deserve the aggravation and he obviously doesn't need the pans.

Friday, March 14, 2014


well today kind of stunk.  i think that my mother dying is starting to catch up with my father.  he sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay because i had been quiet the last few days. 

I told him that i had been really tired, my monthly visitor has really taken it out of me this month and i keep getting headaches.  i was hoping that my glasses would be in today, but i forgot to call until after they were closed.  i forgot they close at noon on Fridays...wish i could close at noon. 

he is wanting to start listing the stuff that he doesn't use on a local website to see if we can sell it.  i told him that i could help him on Sunday. 

i think that mother's death is starting to catch up with both of us. i always wondered if i would feel differently when she was gone, if i would have wished that i would have tried harder to have a relationship, but then i just shake my head and know that it would have been like asking her to grow a third arm, she just wasn't capable.  This makes me sad.  It also makes me sad that she had it to give to everyone else but not to my dad and I.  I wont ever understand it and her talking about her "walls" just made me think that i needed to be cool and have them too. It might have been more helpful to learn about boundaries and know when and where they are useful.  It was always all or nothing with her and i have to the same extent been the same way.  I am sure that was what my breakdown was about two years ago, learning that i cant do everything and i cant be everything to everyone. 

it is sad, i have only been at work for two days and i am ready for Sunday and Monday to get here so i can take the day off. 

i should start playing the lottery more.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

being right and being alone

today was my first day back at work since Friday.  my head started to hurt midday. i am really hoping that my glasses are ready tomorrow.  i was really thinking that they would be ready today.

i paid the rest of my bills for the month and except for my credit card having a balance, i am pretty proud of myself and i am starting to get a rhythm going.  i still have some money in savings but not enough.  i need to get my direct deposit filled out and start putting away money for an emergency fund.  i may not be able to go back to school this summer.  i don't know.  the good news is that i will have extra money to pay down on my credit card bill next month, maybe i need to put some against my credit card and some in savings. i am concerned about how much my therapy is going to cost me but i really cant afford to not go.  i am starting to have some issues over my mother.

my uncle found the phone number for the child that my mother had before me.  i haven't seen him since before her and butch were divorced and i know the longer that i wait to call him the worse that it will be.  i just don't have a clue what to say....hi, this is your sister and your mother is dead, but don't worry, the amount of money that you spent on therapy has to be way less than what i have had to spend and she was part of my life...kind of. 

yesterday morning i made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and i thought that my mother and i used to have those for breakfast when i came home for the weekend.  when i became an adult our relationship was better but then i married Skippy and by that time the cancer had already taken its toll on her, she had become mean.  i don't know if it was because she was mad that she had cancer or if she just hated everyone.  once she told Skippy that she didn't think that he liked her, his response was that she was the best mother in law that he ever had.  i know, his smart alec responses hurt my feelings more than one occasion as well. 

today one of my department managers told me that her boyfriend told her that they weren't having sex because she had gained weight.  She is by no means fat, she has a little stomach, but at least she doesn't look anorexic like she did when i first met her.  Skippy and I never had sex which took it's toll on my self esteem but at least he didn't tell me that it was because i was fat.....of course not, because that would be actually talking about the problem, which he never wanted to do, because he was always right. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Divorces and derailed plans

I have spent the last 6 months or so having headaches.  Which usually would give anxiety that I had brain tumors like my mother, but I have had a few things going on. 

I once heard an interview with a lady that mother died when she was young.  She counted every year until she reached the same age that her mother died.  Her aunt even called her on the day she reached the exact age and told her to be careful.

I stopped wearing my glasses and went to the eye doctor. .. sure enough my prescription changed.

I was all nervous about how much my new insurance would cover.  I had anxiety that my insurance wouldn't be as good as skippy's.  I walked out with brand name eye glasses, brand name sunglasses, eye exam... All for a little over $220. I was blown away.  I think I paid more with skippy's insurance.  I know he paid a whole heck of a lot more a month to carry me than I pay for just myself.

Every step in a new adventure. I start therapy again next week. I won't be able to afford to go every week but I think every other week should be good.  I also have to enroll for summer school soon. My hiatus is almost over.  I am not sure that I am ready but I don't want another divorce to derail my plans.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

how to live and die

the other day it dawned on me that i no longer had to dread April or may.  i don't have to find a birthday present or a mothers day present.  two less opportunities to disappoint my mother or more likely see the disappointment in her face/voice.

my dad sends me a text the other night "the house is deathly quiet.  It has just struck me that besides you, I am really alone for the first time in my life.  Nearly 60 years with people and now I'm alone in life.....i know, i may leave you.  This frightens me very much. I'm scared to death."

what frightens me is that i may leave him first.  my mother was first diagnosed with cancer when she was 50.  I will turn 42 this year.  I know one thing that if i am ever diagnosed with cancer, i think that i will sell everything, pack up my animals and blow this popsicle stand.  My mother having cancer taught me more than it ever taught her.  I just think of how hard she worked her entire life trying to prove to herself that she was good enough, then she spent her retirement dying, cleaning house, and pulling weeds.  I don't want to live or die like that. 

I don't know what the rest of my life holds for me, but for once i am excited.  I have taken more vacation days this year than i took all of last year. I go to work late and leave early.  I don't feel as though i have anything to prove to anyone.  I am exhausted trying to prove to people that i am good enough. 

I love the fact that for once in my life i have a true partner and a family and i am starting to build some boundaries. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

five stages of grief

"I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could!"  sally field in steel magnolias

this describes my emotions perfectly.  I can run a store, but i can't run my life....i never could. 

i am always trying to find someone or something to stuff in this hole that i feel in my inside.  i want something to take away all of the blackness that i feel inside. 

a friend of the family told me once that i didn't let much grass grow under my feet before i moved on to the next relationship.  he was right.  i wonder if him and mother are kicked back having a cig together. 

there are five stages of grief

denial and isolation

i isolated myself for almost two years

two days ago i got angry......i asked my sophomore boyfriend (we actually dated when we were sophomores) if i were stranded in an airport away from home, sick and called you to ask you to help me find a hotel room...what would you do?  His answer....find you a hotel room then probably not sleep knowing that you were somewhere alone.  DING, DING, DING, DING.....LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I DO BELIEVE WE HAVE A WINNER.  I called skippy and i am not sure how it ended except that i found a hotel by calling the numbers on a kiosk that was in the garage. 

bargaining...i think i have spent the last 4 years bargaining with myself that i wasn't in an unfulfilling relationship and reasons to stay

depression...had a lifetime of that

acceptance.....i accepted my marriage was over, the day that he kicked me out of the car on okmulgee and told me to walk

unique year so far

It has been a unique new year....

i feel as though i have been in warp speed since Christmas and now that i am able to stop, the baggage, that i have been moving too fast to realize the weight of has caught up. 

i am not sure where i left off, but i am afraid that if i go back to read that i wont finish this post...i might not because paisely is barking her "i am bored" bark.  

i finally left my husband after Christmas.  i suppose the final straw was Christmas day itself.  as usual he was no help, he didn't want my father to come, and he was unpleasant to me.  the moral of that story is if you are a jerk to me long enough that your crap will end up on the front porch. 

i am still trying to get into the swing of things of learning how to take care of things by myself which gives me anxiety.  Skippy was a good husband when it came to taking care of the bills and making sure i didn't do without monetarily.  unfortunately, he wasn't good at much else in the husband department.

this morning at 5:45am i get an email that my car payment wont clear my account, which gives me immediate anxiety and makes me feel like a failure.  I am in another state because i had a meeting this morning.  I come home to find out that i have plenty of money in the account but somehow the bank wont let loose of it.....and 6:11 pm isn't the time to try and find out why. 

the good thing is that all of this did get my attention that i am not far from a downward spiral so i called my shrink, got my prescriptions refilled, made an appointment with her and my therapist.  all while being stuck in construction...

i have my own insurance now which i have to pay for and my meds will probably cost a lot more that i expected.  i hate to sound like a negative nancy but i am expecting the worst, hoping for the best. 

my mother died.

i have cried once.

i got divorced.

i think i have cried twice.

i believe there is a big nervous breakdown in my future. 

i got stuck on the on ramp Sunday, accidentally shifted my car from neutral into drive while it was at 60mph.....i am convinced that my transmission will drop out any minute. 

i think my nervous breakdown is getting closer

and there is a plastic piece in my floorboard that came from under my car while they where attempting to tow me out of my rut

nervous breakdown inevitable

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Experience and expectations

I used to have such abandonment issues that I wanted someone to promise they would never leave. Now I don't need someone to promise they won't leave I need the security of someone who will stay until they are unable or unwilling to treat me right. 

It is amazing how age changes your idea of security.

I really thought that losing a parent would send me off balance, making me feel as if I am alone in the world.  It has made me realize that I lost my mother a long time ago.

The night my mother died I kept expecting her to come and see me.  I asked my best friend if she had experienced the same thing.  She said yes but it was about 8 months after she died.

I guess I will be waiting.