Saturday, March 12, 2016


no one in my house is able to fold laundry, they are all experts at washing the laundry

today I was folding the laundry and I noticed that I fold my pants the exact way that my ex husband used to always get upset at me because I was unable to fold his pants the way he wanted. I thought he was just being an ass but now I get it. yes I noticed the irony.

I have become quite ocd about my closet. I now have all of my clothes, shirts at least, sorted by color. short sleeve on the right, then long sleeve, and then sweaters. I love a good sweater. Since I have acquired a new chocolate addiction, my clothes are revolting against me and not wanting to fit. the sweater has become my security blanket. they have to be at least 3/4 sleeve and I buy them in the womens section, at least a 1x (which if I don't stop eating so much chocolate, I will soon be shopping in).

so my office has become a space issue. I now have my grandmothers chest of drawers (I used to think that people were saying chester drawers, which makes no sense). I actually have company so we put up syd's old bed. I have no other wall to put it on but the built in bookcases. now I am unable to access some of the stuff in the bookcase but that is okay I am able to just pull out the bed.

I also was given my mothers time life sewing/fashion books from the 70s, they are quite a hoot. I have now made a space for them as well. we (I) are still trying to get the office all organized so that I will spend time in here and I can stop blogging from my phone, which is so time consuming but easier for the 30 minute ride to Checotah. 

I have now added my step dad to the list of people I am not talking to. that would be 3 fathers now. I have decided that my mother liked narcissistic people. I didn't realize it until now that I have had some space to reflect. I don't know my real father so I can only look at the letters mother left me but he seemed non committal like butch. it took me a long time to realize that men are non committal due to their issues, not me. I used to dislike women who thought they could change a man. I thought that I needed to change myself to have them love me, which is worse.

I read a quote today about marriage and it stated that great marriages don't happen by luck. actually they kind of do, if you are lucky and smart, you will pick the right partner and that will be half the battle. I love the fact that joe and I don't fight. I love to spend time with my husband. I notice that when I feel distant from him, I am not myself. I am also blessed that I am able to make my schedule around his. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Walking in quicksand again

I am just emotionally exhausted this week.

I got up at 6 yesterday, drove to ft smith, went to the store, home to see joe before he left and then back to the store.

It looked as though dustin spent his whole day working on replacing the handhelds. I was so disgusted that i just picked up all of the old stuff and put it in a box, taped it together and put the ups label on it. IT called me twice last night, nothing is fixed. I finally left at 8. I was so exhausted that i felt as if i was going to puke. I left a note, do what you can, work truck, sell a few dog training classes, and dont leave me a mess for Saturday morning. Dustin called me this morning. I told him to tell helpdesk to call me saturday, we have no more time to spend on this issue.

Joe is really sick. He went to the doctor on monday, they gave him a steroid shot, for what i have no idea.

Last night i told a family friend about rodney and dana getting married. She asked me if i had found out via Facebook, one step away, i received a message via Facebook from Michelle. She told me that it was wrong, she knew that it had really hurt my feelings and she apologized.

It felt so good to have someone acknowledge my feelings without a long drawn out conversation. It makes me cry to think of how few times people have just stopped to notice how i felt. I look at the simplicity of that single action and realize that life doesn't have to be as difficult as it is and was. I think of the people and situations that i had to fight with someone to get them to just get a half ass sorry from them makes me realize how much i have discounted myself.

I now understand why someone telling me they were sorry made me so uncomfortable and i would just say "its alright". I had heard it so little in my life.