Wednesday, December 30, 2015


so welcome to Oklahoma

in the last week, we have had tornado warnings (sirens blaring), flooding, an earthquake, and snow/sleet.

as my ongoing budget plan, i am trying to reduce costs. i decided to look at the car insurance and see if raising the deductible would be worth it....only $10 difference. since there is overwhelming flooding all around, i checked on flood insurance, then i wondered if i needed earthquake insurance too.  oh how i love the irony.

i got to spend the other night with joe's ex and her husband. they had been in town shopping and were concerned about the tornado so they sought refuge at our house. i am glad that syd was safe but it was a bit awkward. joe, syd, and i just sat on the couch doing our thing as if it were any other day in our life. i have been in their house, Charles gave us a grand tour but i wanted to see syd's room. it shocked me, it was nothing like syd. i suppose it was shocking because we had spent so much time in her room, i wanted her to have a place that felt like she belonged. not the log cabin walls and red shag carpet she had at her mothers. i found it odd that her mother never asked once to see her room but she is a bit dramatic and probably thought we were all crazy people when the siren went off and we did nothing, lol.

when butch had to sell the trailer to pay for his divorce, i was upset, since he always told me that would be mine. He had sold my home. I then referenced my parents house as home even though i never had a room that was truly mine which had more to do with i was in my 20's by the time they bought that house. i always want a place in our home that feels like hers.

i watched a video the other day and it was a blended family, the mother had invited the step mom to a sit down where she thanked her for how she loved her child and how she loved her ex, feeling as though it made him a better father. the father did the same with the step dad. i thought that was great but nothing i would experience.

this all makes me think that my journey was worth it. i try to do my part to not make Sydney chose, feel as though she is being used as a weapon, or in the middle of a tug a war.  i enjoy her presence in my life, try to tell her often, and let her know that she is missed when she is gone.

stopping the legacy

so....the holidays have come and gone except new years and we usually stay home because we have neurotic animals and I don't want to get killed by a drunk driver, it just gives me anxiety.

I am now the proud owner of 2 totes full of my legacy. Pictures of people I don't know and looming family secrets.  I have no children (I imagine Syd wouldn't have a clue to do with it either since she has met none of these people), my aunt, and uncle have no children.  This is my mothers side of the family so my sister has no use for it and I would give it to my aunt anyway.  I just sat here and looked at it all and thought, this is my legacy and some day, someone will just throw it in the trash.  I took out the pictures of Ryan and mementos from his childhood.  I sent him a picture the other night of him and mother. He had never seen any pictures of him and mother, he said he didn't realize how beautiful our mother was. I guess I never thought about it and it sounded weird. I have never heard anyone say "our mother".  I guess i was just shocked that he actually considered her a mother. I don't think i would have but he is obviously a better person than i am. I got out all of the pictures of me and had some of my paternal grandparents. Joe pointed out that my grandmother and I have the same hands. I look at all of these pictures and try to find some familiar feature that will link them to me and I don't see it, other people do but I don't. Sometimes i think they are just trying to be polite. I see similarities in my actions that remind me of my mother, which is usually irritating. 

I did go to Rodney's for Christmas, it was Joe, Syd, her beau, and I. I didn't really have any expectations. I was very thankful that they changed the living room furniture, it took away some of the ghosts. Earlier in the day i had made pumpkin bars....not sure what happened but they didn't set up. I had to go to the store and feed the animals anyway so i bought new ingredients (breaking my ban from shopping on holidays). I was able to find/have everything except cream cheese which Rodney and Dana had so i went to their house and cooked. I have accepted that isn't my home anymore so i wasn't as liberal as i once would have been, it wasn't awkward, i just knew my place. i even knocked at the door, which is something i would have never done before. it made me think of the last day mother and i got into it, which may have been the last day i ever saw her lucid, she told me the house rules which were to knock before i came in and to not show up uninvited. Ironic.

we played dirty Santa. i was number 2, so everyone took my gifts. I finally ended up with a choice between the gift i brought or the extra gift that Dana had. It was a new scentsy warmer, it doesn't even take a light bulb which is awesome because half the ones we have the bulbs are burned out and we cant seem to buy the correct ones. so they just sit around gathering dust which means one day i will throw them away...another thing that i just had to have that will be donated.

Friday, December 11, 2015

When a deal isn't a deal

I spent too much time the last 3 days trying to get my meds fixed so i won't kill anyone before the holiday.

Skippy paid the bills and worried about the money and tapped his parents when we were short.

I have spent the last few months getting together a budget.  Last night syd went to the game with her boyfriend. Joe and i went to a local bar and grill, shot some pool and had a few beers. It was a very nice evening. Eating out has become a luxury not an everyday splurge.

While we were waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, i was waking the aisles at the drug store. There is always that aisle with the stuff that you buy for people who you don't know what to buy. It used to be foot massagers. Today it was an electric mac and cheese maker, memory foam slippers (that didn't seem very cushy), and desktop water features. I thought it would be cool to get forrest one to drink from but it would be another piece of junk sitting around my house that i would be getting rid of later.

Every day i have emails for things to buy, great deals, and credit card companies reminding me that i haven't maxed out their cards.

Our money situation, my family situation, and trying to get the store ready for a rvp visit has made me realize what a consumer i have been. Since i am not throwing money at gifts for other people to make myself feel better. Trying to stuff the hole with stuff. I am grateful for the things i have purchased that really transformed our house into a home. I look at the things i bought because they were a good deal, like the ipad keyboards i bought for syd and i. We don't even use them. It reminds me that something isn't a good deal if you don't need it or use it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015


I am overwhelmed.

I had 2 groomers walk out last week. I expect too much. I had an animal walk, found a dead hermit crab and got a care alert. A week from tomorrow i have an rvp visit and i imagine it will be hours of him telling me i suck. I think i will just medicate myself so maybe i won't cry the entire time.

It is Christmas and we have been so wreckless with our budget that we are now having to pay the piper. God always seems to provide though.

I made the office into a proper spare bedroom. I couldn't even walk into the closet. I have sold and donated too much stuff. It is funny how you get pennies on the dollar for the stuff that you just had to have at one time.

It just makes me realize how much i consume. I think i am an equal opportunity addict, at times it's food, at other times it's shopping. I have been going through a declutter phase. I did that years ago, if i didnt love it or use it had to go.

It has been really nice to eat at home though. We actually sit at the table and eat like a family. Joe and i make a really good team we cook and clean. I am so blessed to be part of a partnership.

Skippy received a letter from social security, they are garnishing his check. We were married he was supposed to notify social security of the status change. He said he did but continued to get checks. When he left i found a letter from the social security stating that he owed then 50k. I freaked out, thinking that since we were married i would be liable. Rodney says that i am not. He said that his dad would just take care of it for him. Must be nice to be a trust fund baby.

I will keep my money issues and joe. You could not pay me enough to live with that negative man again.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

This is all

I do believe this was the most stressless holiday that i have ever had. We even have a tree and it is decorated.
I think having syd around has been good for me, joe is good for me. I struggled so hard to be understood in my relationships but either the person was unable or didn't understand the importance. Joe and i had similar backgrounds but i reacted differently, he learned to be accepting of people. I put people down so that i would feel like i was better than them. Joe has never made me feel as though there was something wrong with me. I think that had allowed me to be more accepting of myself, to be a kinder person to others and myself.
I don't feel responsible for other people's feelings. Supposedly butch has been moping around asking sister if he was a bad father. I don't look at it in terms of good or bad. I do blame him for using me as a weapon against my mother. I don't know if he was aware of it at the time but i think that he was so angry that he didn't know how to do anything other than hurt her.
I wasn't trying to make him feel bad that day he called me. I only wanted to tell him my perspective on growing up. I told him that i didn't feel as if he did any of those things with malice. I just feel as if he didn't think at all. He was too busy trying to prove something with sleeping around, being a baseball coach (which he wasn't paid for), and his weekend warrior job.
My choice is to no longer participate in a relationship with an angry individual who is unable to see things from someone else's perspective. I have spent a lifetime with people who i had to battle with to get them to either acknowledge my feelings or see things from my perspective. I can't and won't do that any longer. I just don't have the fight in me.
I think he loved me the best he could. The end.

Week with sister

The week with my sister was interesting.

I think it disturbed joe more than it did me. My sister is the master manipulator. I know this and most of the time i am aware of when i am being manipulated. I have spent the last 3 years working on boundaries. I think that i was able to do a good job having my boundaries and enforcing them. I also think that she is losing her touch. I think losing her youth and not being a size 2 is taking it's toll on her.

I also think her liver is giving up on her which is why she looks so bloated. She tries to blame it on her meds but i take the same meds and i didnt gain 60lbs.

On her last night she spoke of her weight. I told her that i weighed a 170 lbs and she said that i didn't look like it, that is because i know how to dress it and i refuse to define myself and my self esteem by a pants size or a number on a scale.

She said that she couldn't dress 200lbs. I told her that is because i have had to fight weight my whole life and it had always been so easy for her. Everything had always been so easy for her. She admitted that when she stopped living in her own world and joined reality that it was really hard on her.

In my world, i always had to live in reality. I knew we were broke all of the time. I knew people pitied me and looked down upon me. I still have times that i don't feel good enough but i also know that how people treat me is more about them than me.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Looming doom

I am trying to be grateful for the holidays but i have this looming sense of doom.

I thought having family would help but my sister checked out years ago, she is just a shell of her former self.

I don't know if it's the drinking, drugs, or just that life hasn't been kind.

I walked into the kitchen last night and she was sitting at the kitchen table looking stoned (which she probably was). We went to pick her up last night and her apartment looked like a borderline horder with coffee cups everywhere. It reeked of pot. Joe said he thought it was just cigarettes. I think that she had been a shut in for so long that she doesn't know how to socialize.

It was ironic. Last night joe was looking up an actor on Google and was showing a picture of the actor's girlfriend. He showed my sister. She stated that he shouldn't show that to him because she is 200lbs, 50, and has nothing going for her.

Ironic for the girl that seemed to have it all so effortlessly. I used to look up to my sister, never really feeling as though i was good enough and never would be.

I watch intervention frequently. I always wondered how i never ended up a drug addict then the interventionist said something so profound. It isnt what happened in your past that defines you, it what you do with it....

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Walk away joe

It's 3am, i must be lonely....

I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't breath because i was crying. My blood pressure was up because i had a drink and i didnt take my meds last night because I had a drink. I was too hot, too cold and everything irritated me.

Tomorrow, i am calling my therapist after my many conference calls. I need to stop trying to take off on mondays. I guess Thursday and Friday will be my days.

I know that it is easy for me to be a backseat driver when it comes to my parents. As i told butch, i have never once thought that he woke up in the morning and deliberately tried to mess up his child. I just don't think he thought at all.

I don't know how men walk away from their children. Ed walked away from me. Butch was too hurt by his own issues.

I was given all of the legal paperwork for the family. My maternal grandfather married his mistress and left everything to her children. My mom, aunt, and uncle received nothing.

Joe's dad walked away from him. Only finding joe in the last decade. I have met him once, they live 5 or 6 hours from us. Everytime we make plans to go see them, back to michigan they go.

Joe's mom died of cancer. His step dad basically raised his sister. Joe really considered him a dad. They work at the same place, if it weren't for that, i am not sure that he would even see him. Friday night was his grandson's last game, he wasn't there. He didn't even come to our wedding.

I am so outdone by these men and their ability to walk away but meet a woman and are able to put that woman and her children above their own.

I haven't been to butch's house in years but i am sure their is no sign of my sister, the girls, or me.  It just kills me especially since his reasoning for selling my home was to be closer to sister and her children.

That worked out well.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

You can never go home again

As you get older you realize how quickly things change. Just left what was my mother's house and realized it isn't my home anymore. I am thankful that Rodney has someone but it makes me realize how much it is just joe and i. I guess that is why it was so important that my sister spend some time with me for the holidays.

Unfortunately the good memories have left with the bad. It was almost too much for me to walk into the living room. I was too used to my mother sitting on the couch, watching tv, her feet on the ottoman, and the dogs at her side.

Last year i was thankful that i didn't have to endure the stress and anxiety of her during the holidays.

I have never felt as alone as i have tonight.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Bad attitude

I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling like i am done with being the better person.

I am tired of people not showing up to work. I hired a chic week about 3 weeks ago. I told her to come in Monday before last and she couldn't because she had bedbugs. I have realized that when employees start off with drama like this, it never ends. She called me last monday and i told her to call next week. I am going to tell her i found someone else.

Friday night call in. ...can't find her keys and no one can bring her to work. Really? You just got paid, take a cab.

Had a girl that had strep, then had her tonsils taken out then had a bladder infection and brought me a dr note from her psychiatrist.

No call, no show sunday before last. Then callef in Tuesday because she has strep. Amazing that she was over it by Thursday.

They all have literally taken all of my energy, good will, and give a crap. I really just want to smack all of them. I stayed an hour and a half after closing because no one has a sense of urgency, give a crap, or ability to multitask.

Monday, November 2, 2015


I've had a sore throat for almost a week. Yesterday i pulled a muscle and the pain went from hip to hip then decided to set up in my lower back. I had to close last night so i took some pain killers and went on with life. Joe asked me what was wrong, i told him i was getting old, he disagreed. Tell that to my body. Needless to say, sleeping was lots of fun. Joe was at work so the dogs were all over the place. This morning it is just my left hip hurting.

I am closing tonight then i have a few days off which i am thankful. 

Life is funny sometimes. My cousin is getting divorced, she had been married 18 years. I have been married 3 times and haven't managed that many years all together. Her first marriage was much like skippy and i. I remember butch telling me that they either didn't consummate their marriage or he lacked interest in sex. I just couldn't believe that someone would stay married in that situation, then it happened to me.  I sent her a message of encouragement, not really knowing the situation. She then told me she was getting divorced. I told her that we weren't much different, telling her of my story and we both agreed that we stayed because we were embarrassed. Her second husband cheated on her, sounds much like my first. She asked me if i was happy now and i told her yes. She said that gave her hope. There is always hope.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


Last week i had a breakthrough

We went with a couple of friends to a concert in which we had floor seats.

I never go to things like this because i always had to drive, downtown sucks, there are too many people, and the traffic. The entire process gives me anxiety. I had some anxiety when we got the tickets but Rick drove, we arrived in plenty of time, parked, and walked to a great restaurant to have dinner. We walked to the concert, found our seats pretty easy. I didn't have any anxiety about the crowd. I was able to actually be there, be in the moment, and get out of my head (as best as possible). I wasn't counting the minutes until i could go home. I wasn't trying to leave early because of traffic. 

I think it is the first time in my life that i went to something and didn't want to leave the minute i arrived. I didn't have an emotional roller coaster.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Too much

This week was something else.

I sometimes have a pain in my chest. I had read a few weeks ago about a woman who had the same symptoms plus pressure in the esophagus and the jaw, she was having a heart attack. The pressure continued for longer than normal and had spread to the back of my mouth. There is a minor emergency 2 stores down, so i walked down and had them take my blood pressure. It was fine. They took 2 vials of blood. I probably need to have an xray taken of my lungs since i smoked so long. I get concerned that is where my pain comes from.

I had a regional visitor last week and my team failed. My boss called and said he was going to be at my store tuesday by 12 doing a follow up visit, have all of my managers there. We have a weekly conference call at 11am.

I had planned to be at the store by 11 but i woke up with an upset stomach. The dogs are barking, the kittens are trying to crawl all over me while i am using the restroom. I finally have to just give up and get in the shower. I have to take my conference call driving across town.

I get to the store and no boss. I call him after we are finished with the call wanting to know what time he was going to be there. My team has been there since 5am and one person is off. He finally gets there at 1. He talks with people, gives me a written warning about how i have failed to schedule for animal needs. This started to upset me but then he wanted to counsel on something else. He tried this last month and he had the wrong information again. I lost it, told him that his expectations were unrealistic, then went to the salon, splashed cold water on my face and neck, sat in the floor and hugged on traci's pit bull. I went to the salesfloor and started putting out freight.

My boss came and tried to help, telling me that i had been in this place before. I told him yes and i had left that situation.


We drove to tulsa yesterday for a doctor's appointment just to find out my doctor was sick. Oh well, they were very apologetic and i was able to get my refills taken care of quickly. Today we picked up two prescriptions for under $2.00. Another thing to be grateful for, insurance.

One of the things that really gives me anxiety is the unknown. I take care of the finances and a couple of months ago i really jacked it up resulting in too many fees. So last month, i sat down with pen and paper and realized that i had skipped a few things. I have an excel spreadsheet that i keep it all on so this month i took a serious look at what we pay every month in finance fees. That was very scary and i thought i was going to faint when i saw a $1300 interest post on my husbands best buy card. It was a promotional purchase. I didn't know and my husband doesn't read or it would have already been paid off.  Luckily we were able to juggle some stuff around and pay just the principal.

It is amazing how quickly debt is accrued. I think i ended up depressing my poor husband but i have to feel proactive not reactive.

Syd went to the game last night so joe and i had the evening to ourselves. We sat, had adult beverages, and talked.

Today, we slept and went to run our errands. We stopped at Golden corral to eat. I never eat enough to justify paying the money but they have the best roast and bread. I had my plate and went to sit down, i noticed a lady sitting, eating by herself. Joe came back with his plate. I asked if the lady was still eating alone. He said yes, so i got up and asked if she would like some company. We sat and talked. She said that God had brought us to her table, she had hoped her son would meet her but called and said he was too busy. I am not sure if she had been divorced or widowed but she had never remarried because she felt that she would never love anyone as much as she had loved her husband. She lived alone, her 6 children didn't have time for her. Her loneliness was felt by us, we drove home in almost silence. I said a prayer for her and was thankful that God had been able to use me.

Joe and i may have debt but i wouldn't give up my little family for any amount of money.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I used to have this chic who worked for me, she was the do not do drugs poster child. I think the first month i worked with her, i asked her at least twice a week if she was okay. Every once in awhile the residue would break lose in her brain and it would cause her to do weird things.
I think that is what happened to butch. Apparently the conversation we had from 15 days ago just sunk into his skull?

My sister called and said that i needed to call him because he was devastated. I called because i love my sister. I told her that i didnt exactly like her at the moment. He answered the phone and was angry. I told him that i wouldn't talk to him when he was angry.  His reply was to curse and tell me he was angry because i basically told him that he had never loved me when i was growing up. I said that wasn't what i said and i wouldn't have this conversation while he was mad. He just continued to yell, so i just hung up.  I have had a lifetime full of anger. Sometimes it just rocks being an adult and be able to hang up on your parents.

I called my sister back and warned her not to answer the phone. She said that butch and claudia had taken her to dinner the other night and interrogated her because i had mentioned her in my conversation with butch. The only mention was he wanted to know why i had never said any of this before. I did, the night we were at sisters. The night i came back from the bathroom and he had his finger in her face screaming "fuck you".

I am baffled. I haven't been around in about 20 years. Why does it matter now? Has he just noticed? I haven't been to a Christmas or thanksgiving since i was married to TJ......whom i married in 95 and we were divorced in April of 1999.

Sister says he doesn't ever remember things he has done. I don't need an apology but he called me that day and asked me the questions. I am sorry if someone, somewhere is holding him accountable. This poor me doesn't work with me because it never worked for me. If he didn't believe what i said was true then i don't believe he would be angry.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


At the end of the day, i feel that you will only have your integrity

I am always bothered when someone feels the need to say hurtful, mean things about me. I really try hard not to gossip because i don't want people to gossip about me. I had a lady that was an acquaintance that kept messaging me about other people, making comments that were untrue. I didn't want to make things worse but it had really bothered me that this lady was making accusations about someone. I finally had to tell my acquaintance to never message me again and told the person what had been said.  Now she is telling everyone that i am playing both sides of the fence.

Today my husband went out rodneys pond to fish. He is out of town and has someone house sitting for him. The people came to the pond then called rodney. Joe received a text that he didn't want anyone fishing at his pond. He should've asked, if he had then he would've said no because he didn't want his house guests disturbed? I have fished at that pond. Funny thing, 6 months ago he wanted to sell that house to joe and i.  He wanted to build something smaller. Now he has a girlfriend and once again things have changed. It is like dejavu all over again. She says that they are going to marry as soon as her divorce is done. I am sure it will be just like butch, another person whom will not think that it is important to have family participate. It sucks when feel as if you have no one or no where to turn.

The last few days have been way too much. I have had houseguests since Thursday morning. Yesterday, i went and picked up syd at 3:30, her game was earlier than she thought. We all went to homecoming last night, the game was over at 10. We didn't leave the stadium until 11. :(

I didn't get home until almost midnight then i had to open this morning. I was very thankful to be able to take a nap. Then joe came in telling me of the messages he had received from rodney. Which just upset me.

Now i have a household of people this is just too much input. I told joe to tell them something other than i don't feel good because i don't want to be known as the person that doesn't always feel my mother.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Unexpected therapy

Butch called me today.

I almost didn't answer but then thought there might be something wrong with my sister.

He asked me if I considered him my dad. I told him that I considered him one of my dads. He contemplated a moment and decided that was acceptable to him.  I remember once that answer would've infuriated him. I had referenced to mom and rodney as "my parents" once and he was very quick to correct me.

He asked questions and I answered. I wasn't angry about it, I tried to not be mean. I told him that I felt as if his girlfriends came first. I shouldn't have been burdened with adult things as a 9 year old. I should've been first. He was too busy telling me that I needed to pull my head out, plug it in, and the world didn't revolve around me.  He told me that he was trying to prepare me to be an adult. I told him I was 9 and should be doing 9 year old stuff not be responsible for him emotionally, worried about money.

He apologized. I had already forgiven him. He said he wanted to have a relationship with me. I was done after he put his last girlfriend/wife before me, sold land that he always said would be mine. He wanted to know why I had never told him. I had at my sister's, he was just too angry to hear it.

He married claudia and we were replaced by her kids. He said he tried to help those that needed help. I shouldn't have to have a crisis to get attention.  He was proud of me taking care of myself. I told him that I had to, his reply was that is what I was suppose to do.

Sometimes it would've been nice to have a safe place to land.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


People with Abandonment issues will usually abandon people in the same fashion

I saw this and it made me wonder if this is why it is so easy for me to cut people out of my life.

I have always been concerned about my lack of ability to form close relationships.

I keep having dreams that joe is leaving me. He left me at the reunion, this morning he left me either on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Consciously I know this isn't an issue and I didn't think that it was even a concern for me but it seems that it must be. I am thinking it must be tied to my fear of doing something wrong, which I did the last time we were together.

Hmmm, maybe I do have some stuff to work out

Friday, August 7, 2015

think outside the box

So I flew home from our yearly summit last night/this morning.

Good news, I am not sick and even better news is that I am not in a tail spin.

I did get to have a great conversation on the plane from Phoenix. As we all know I have struggles with religion. I was able to share this with someone who was opened minded. I have known Woodley since I first started at my job. He is very open minded and just has a good soul. So I was telling him about how I feel as though God tests me and if I don't make the right decision that bad things will happen. He didn't agree and thought that shitty things happen for no reason. When I get tested with an over credit or items that I am not charged for that some people would look at it as God giving them a gift. Such a great perspective but I know in my heart that isn't the right thing.

It all just reminds me that sometimes I just need to get out of my head.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

divorce, best friends, and dreams

today my husband and I took a day trip, saw a couple of museums, ate dinner, and ran a few errands. 
he always wonders what it would have been like if we had stayed together in high school. he hates that I had to have an abusive husband. I know that I have brought some of the baggage with me but beyond that the whole time in my life seems so surreal.
my dad and his girlfriend went to her 30 year reunion. last night she posted on face book that they had a good time but were going to bed. I was going to make a comment that it was only 11:30, I would have been up much later.  Then I remembered I married the person that would have kept me out late. 
one time there was some face book survey of who your best friend was and of course I put my bff from high school.  Skippy was so upset because I didn't put him, it never dawned on me to consider him my best friend (probably should have been a sign). I had never witnessed a relationship, other than my ex in laws, that the two people genuinely liked each other.  I had always seen those cheesy quotes at weddings "today I married my best friend".  I think the first time I saw that, the girl was cheating on her husband almost since day one and they got divorced.
I have become the couple that I hate.  I really did marry my best friend.  Yesterday he had a Dr apt and I really didn't want to go (being an agoraphobic) but I wanted to continue our conversation.  I wanted to be with him.  I never knew you could feel this way about another human being, to actually like someone all of the time.  the good lord knows I am moody. 
Skippy always told me that dreams are the brains way of dealing with issues.  I am not sure why issues I have to deal with dreaming of relationships of the past.  I remember being very fearful before I married skippy of being able to be faithful. I didn't have even that thought when I married joe. I continue to have dreams of boyfriends past and cheating on my husband. i am not sure what my brain is trying to fix, but it needs to hurry it up because the past needs to just stay in the past. i don't need the heart ache, thank you very much. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Foreign emotions

When you don't know how to make yourself feel better then make others feel good.

A friend and her husband create stained glass pieces. She was laughing, telling me that people think it is like the children's craft with the beads that you bake in the oven. I suppose I always knew what it was because I love vintage items.

I had one of those kits that my mother bought me for Christmas and never let me make, it was always too hot to turn on the oven.

I have become concerned for my lack of ability to form close relationships with people. I am still watching the lady that is so consumed with grief from the loss of her mother with bewilderment. It is so foreign to me. This lady is absolutely lost without her mother. I think I have always felt lost and sadness, well that is my constant companion.

I go back to therapy on Monday. I am neither here nor there about it. I think I have accepted that this is the way my life will be not just a phase in my life that started three years ago.

Spiritual people

I love being around spiritual people. My hair dresser is one of those people who is very steadfast in her faith

I hired this girl. When I interviewed her she told me that she had been kicked out of her home and she was living with her boyfriend until she could get her house fixed up.

She came in earlier in this week with a migraine. Her step father had her medication refilled and brought it to her. I asked her if it was her mother that had kicked her out. She said yes. I told her that I didn't have a very good relationship with my mother. I had spent a lot of time debating if i would regret the time that I had spent without her when she was dead. It has been over a year and I am comfortable saying that i don't.

I was randomly telling my hairdresser this story and she showed me the goose bumps on her arm. Her and I are a lot alike, we both yearn/yearned for a relationship with our mother that they were unable to give. She told me that she had been contemplating whether or not to continue her relationship with her mother. 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Karma and religion

I woke up today irritated, cramping, and just not feeling well.

I heard a man's testimony today.  I just wanted to hug him.

I spend too much of my life in the cycle of karma. I have linked karma and religion. I think that if I do the right thing then good things will happen to me. I feel like I am being tested. I went to a store and was under charged. I thought it sounded too cheap. I was distracted but I looked at my receipt and wasn't charged for an item. I told my husband to keep the tags so I could go back to the store and pay for the item. I am scared to death that if I don't right the wrong then God won't have favor upon me.

I asked the man after he told me his story of my issues about forgiveness. I know that God forgives as soon as I ask for fogiveness. I cannot seem to forgive myself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015


I don't know how to negotiate this relationship.
I am married to a man who adores me, loves me with his heart, he is a hard worker, he makes me laugh, and he has such a good soul.
I don't know how to deal with someone who isn't damaged, who wants to actually lift me up, and be my best friend.
We watched a movie last night and the main character had a break down. He was throwing things, breaking things, and being scary. These are the relationships that I know how to negotiate.
It had dawned on me last night that I didn't have to do the drama in my personal life anymore. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't have to prepare for the next meltdown.
Actually having a partner, someone who tries to understand my issues, and listens to me. Is willing to be here for me whenever and wherever.
For once, I am not sabotaging the relationship because I don't feel like I deserve it. I may be just too tired.

Grief and true love

I love dysfunctional TV shows.

I was watching RHOC and one of the ladies lost her mother. Her whole world fell apart. Her grief is so foreign to me.

I don't think there is anyone in my life that I would grieve that much for. I realize that it is partly because I never had children. I might not have a clue what real love is, maybe none of my family knew what love was.

I thought that butch really loved my mother because when she left, he fell apart but now I think it was more a blow to his self esteem because a woman had never left him, ever.

I never saw my mother cry over anything. I am sure she did when her mother died but we weren't there.  Rodney and I weren't allowed to come, which thinking about it now seems very odd. Butch and mother reconciled briefly when her brother passed away, they flew out together.

Maybe that is why I love my animals so much. I know what love is because I see it in their eyes. I don't have to fear that they will leave me, cheat on me, or treat me badly because it isn't in their nature. In fact they would rip someone's limbs off if they tried to hurt me.

I will cry when they leave me.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

belt whippings

So the other day my husband and I were talking and he was mentioned being sent to his room when he was a kid and how much he hated it.

I really had to think then I had to remind him how oblivious my parents were. I could only remember once my mother sent me to my room. I am sure it was because I was getting on her nerves because one of the older girls were going to come and get me to take me swimming. I am really not sure why because I lived right next to the gym. I was all excited because I was going to ride with one of the cool girls. I kept going to the door to see if the cool girl was at my house to pick me up. My mother told me to stop going to the door or I wouldn't be going to the pool.  I must have gone to the door because my mother sent me to my room and then she whipped me with the belt. Being the brat that I was, I made sure to wear my bathing suit the next day to showcase my belt marks.

I think that my mother even called me out on it.

Sunday, June 28, 2015


So i have been MIA for awhile. It will take several posts to get it all out of my head.

I have never felt nor considered myself old until this month.

We took the girls to cozumel on a cruise. Which i don't know that i would ever do again but if was great for the girls. Our last night there we went to the dining room to have dinner. I had bought a simple white dress while in cozumel. I have never felt more like my mother than the moment i put on that dress. I saw an older, tired version of my mother. This was irritating.

The worst part is i now act like her. I never feel well. I am always tired. I give more to work than i do my family and some days i am nicer to the dog. Everyone in this house caters to me and around my disposition. I absolutely hated the way my mother made me feel.

I haven't been to my therapist in weeks. Vacation, bathroom remodel, bedroom remodel.  I am sincerely thinking of revamping my diet and getting off these meds to see if this will help

I have been taking prebiotics. My stomach is so bloated i look as though i am 5 months pregnant. I am back at my heaviest.

Something has to give.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I took yesterday afternoon and was just by myself.

I have had to burn some vacation days before I lost them and I have been scheduling time off to spend with my husband. Which means we are go, go, go. 

We are suppose to close on the house Thursday. Which I will believe when I have cash in hand.  I am not sure if this makes me a realist or a pessimist. 

He is already wanting to pick stuff out for the bathroom.

This all overwhelms me.  I have been kidding about it but today I had to tell him that I don't work the way he does.  I am focused on clearing out the house then signing paperwork.  When I know exactly how much money I have to deal with then I can focus on the bathroom.  I am still not sure when our fence will be done.

I have just been quiet the last few days.  It makes me realize how nice it is to not always be the one that has to talk.  It also makes me realize that I am probably not a great listener.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Step parenting

Someone had posted on Facebook the other day about being a step parent.

I commented that it is a really fine line and I think that my responsibility is to advise and support.

Last night the "birth giver" as her daughter likes to list her in her contacts sent some passive aggressive message to my husband about how it would have been nice to see her daughter on Easter. 

I believe people are put in your life for a purpose.  She is to remind me of the things I don't like about myself (i.e. snarky comments, back stabbing to make yourself feel better than others, and actually thinking you are better than others).

The snarky comment irritated me, daughter asked me what happened. I said something about her mother and her comments.  I sat there for a moment then grabbed the phone and replied that she needed to be an adult, use her words, and if she wanted something to ask for it and not to be sarcastic. Daughter vacated the living room and headed to her bedroom......quickly.

I immediately knew I had done the wrong thing.

I struggled with how to apologize and when, if I didn't do it now then I would just stress over it.  My husband had gone into her bedroom so I stuck my head in and apologized.  I shouldn't have said anything, it wasn't my place and I shouldn't have had a response while she was in the room. 

I so remember what it was like to feel put in the middle of your parent's war.  I never want her to feel like that.  I don't want her to feel as though she has to choose.  I have always said this wasn't a competition, we could all love her. 

With all of the things that were in my head yesterday last night wasn't my finest moment. 

I knew I was wrong and apologized which was way more than my parents ever did for me.

Crazy stories

I used to have a friend, who would tell me "these things only happen to you" after I told him some crazy story.

I saw a guy I used to serve on a board with the other day.  He had just came from a funeral.  He told me he had seen my ex to which I replied "I am sure he had his usual sunny disposition".  This caused us both to smile.

We chit chatted about common things.  Then this is how the conversation went.

He then asked me if I had remarried. 
You don't waste any time do you?
Do you have anyone you could introduce me to? Someone who could be discreet.  I don't want anything with any strings.

I was floored.  Of course, all I could think of was that he was married. Then I wondered if he was thinking of me and that is why I had been seeing him more often.  He had taken to engaging me in conversations. 

I finally replied "no one I would introduce you to".  He then asked if it was because they were too good for him.  No, you are too good for them. 

First of all why do people think I have a lot of friends?  I have social anxiety and would rather stay in bed or at least at home with my animals. Second, if I did, I wouldn't want to get involved in something like that.  I already think that God won't forgive me for my indiscretions why would I borrow anyone else's sin?

He then asked me if I still had his number and to call him if I thought of anyone.

I told my husband this story.  He didn't seem as shocked as I was. 

I am not that blind

Last night I am sitting and blogging.  I got a pair of bifocals at the beginning of the year. I was really looking forward to being able to actually see.  I felt as though there was always a spot on my glasses, so I was always cleaning my glasses. I even became so aggravated one day that I swore I wouldn't wear them anymore. I wasn't losing my mind there are letters imprinted on my glasses which causes a blur.  Today I went to the eye doctor and the girl behind the counter tells me that this is normal because they are no line bifocals.  I asked what I could do and she said I could get lined bifocals. 

This is my issue, these are glasses to help me see.  Why is there anything printed anywhere on my glasses that impedes my vision?

I googled this and it is true.  Some people were told that it was industry standard, other people said that they complained and the marking was taken off.  So now I am not sure what to do.  I have a friend looking into it.

I dislike confrontation. 

Future me

My sister has apparently hit her stride.

She now has someone come to her home, makes sure she has taken her medication as prescribed and isn't running around town nude.

She has started drawing and now has a cat which she posts daily on Facebook. 

My husband comments the other day about my sister to which I reply "why yes, let's talk about my sister. She gets to sit around all day painting and playing with her cat while we all pay her disability".

I asked my dad if it was okay to be pissed about this.  He replied that yes, I should be.

I told my therapist today that I didn't think that it was fair that she got to sit on her butt while I had to fight for everything that I have.  She agreed that it wasn't fair but I have a much fuller life than she does. 

Blah, blah, blah I would like to sit on my butt, play with my cat and have someone to pay for it all.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Feeling lost

Today is my mother's birthday.

I spent so many years dreading the day, trying to find the perfect gift.  Wanting so hard to please my mother which now I know that was an impossible task. Thinking that somehow it would crack her cold, hard exterior. Maybe I would know what it would be like to be accepted.

Last year I was thankful that I didn't have to see the look of disappointment on her face.  I didn't have to try and figure out who was coming to the party.

This year I have just been filled with sadness.  It is hard when you feel as though you have no place in this world.  Which pretty much sums up how I have felt my entire life. 

Lonely Easter

Easter Sunday.......brings back such great memories

My family wasn't particularly religious.  I remember once when I was younger asking my mother if I would go to hell if I died because I wasn't saved.  She told me no.  I asked her why and she said it was because I was a child. I don't think I ever believed her because I forever felt as though I was destined to go to hell.

Years later when I met my ex and really started to get into religion and going to church.  I absolutely hated going to church with him on Sunday morning. I was going to write a book called "dear lord, please help me not kill my husband on Easter Sunday on the church steps".

I now imagine all of the fights that take place before people get to church and the minute you step out of your car, presto you put on your mask.

I wore heels one Easter Sunday expecting Skippy to balance me as we walked to church.  Nope, he walked off and left me.  We had Easter Sunday at the civic center once and he walked off and left me that day too.  I was greeted by my mother in law and she told me that I needed to hurry up to catch him.  I told her that she could have him.  I was done.  I actually sat in church that day and cried. 

There is nothing more lonely than sitting in a room full of people and feeling so alone.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Ocd obsession

I have spent the last six years having an internal struggle with god and religion.

I think if I go to church, read my bible, and pray that God will have favor on me.  It is obsessive.  I feel as though when I sin or don't follow these rules that God will punish me. I have allowed this belief to give me anxiety, make my relationship with God and religion to become complicated and difficult.

My need for perfection also is problematic.  If I don't follow the process then I become stressed, feel guilty, and un worthy.  So then I stop the entire process feeling like a hypocrite when I start the process.  I profusely ask God for forgiveness.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Time wasted

So.....I was married 6 years ago on pi day.  By the way, I am so glad that day is over, it was annoying.

Ironically enough I had received a letter from social security for him.  I thought about being crappy and just throwing it away or write on it that he didn't live here.  I thought about making him be inconvenienced to come and get it from me but then I would have to see him and he would just be a jerk and upset me.  I dropped it off at his dad's building.  I then sent him a text telling him it was there, he replies that he will get it the next day after church.  Then I suppose he remembered common courtesy and sent a thank you. Not wanting to engage in a conversation, I didn't respond.

He was impotent, I had wondered, but didn't ask before we got married.  So I do take some of the blame.  I could've had an annulment. That was my fault as well.  I am angry that I wasted (yes I realize how exaggerated I sound) 6  years of my life, of my reproductive life because I made a promise before God, family, and friends.  We had planned to have a family and now I am 42 and don't want to be 60 when my child turns 18. I was 35 when we married, it would've been great to start a family then.  I know that everything happens for a reason. I would just be irritated now because I would have to deal with him forever.  I am not sure now that he could've been selfless enough to have a child.  He was obviously too immature in our marriage to think of someone else, I am sure a child wouldn't have changed that.  Maybe I would've left earlier, to shield my child from his anger and selfishness.  Maybe he was angry at his situation, angry that he wouldn't do anything about it, angry that he had it to begin with.  I wouldn't know, he wouldn't talk to me without it becoming an argument.

Sadly, it took that to finally make me realize what I really did want in a relationship and to stop letting other people abuse me.

Saturday, March 7, 2015


exactly where does all of the time go.....

i look at my last post it was over 2 weeks ago

Speaking of time.  I love my timehop updates.  I had one from my bacherolete party before I married Skippy.  I think back to that time and the hopes I had for the future.

I am grateful now that we weren't able to have a family.  I don't think I would have the patience to deal with him.  Then I wonder if he would've been able to have sex or had pursued correcting the problem if we would have split up. 

I don't think that he ever understood how deceived I felt.  I really do believe that if I had not brought up the subject that he would have probably never acknowledged it, even though I suppose he never did.

I don't know how you unsee things, how you unremember events. I truly believe that time heals all wounds but I am not sure time can remove memories that are branded into your soul.

I used to think that God put Skippy and I together so I didn't have to deal with my intimacy issues but when he wanted to get naked and cuddle.  I just felt dirty. 

I know some of my intimacy issues come from butch and his view of women and how he treated women.  Literally and figuratively.  I don't think that it was healthy to have a daughter in the house with porn.  Magazines, books, videos, you name it.  I don't think you should hear your parent having sex with some random person in the next room.  We lived in a trailer, he had a water bed and the entire house would shake when he was having sex.  The first time it happened, I was maybe 9.  I was scared, didn't have a clue what was happening and even more embarrassing was I had a friend over.  I wanted to die.

Then my ex husband.  He thought since I was his wife that sex was my duty and if I didn't want to have sex with him then I should lay there in bed while be had sex with someone else.

Friday, February 20, 2015

self loather from way back

i went to get my hair cut last week

i am not sure what was said but i began thinking earlier in the day about my first love.  i don't know why i went down that memory lane, but it wasn't to think of would've, could've, should've.  It was to ask "what happened to that girl and her self esteem". 

my first love was abusive, not really to me.  Unfortunately, his first wife seem to take the brunt and when the cops had to continually show up at his house, it was evident.  when i heard that i remember looking back and seeing all of the signs, i wasn't used to that and since we had been friends for many years, i didn't understand it.  i would just leave or tell him that we needed to discuss whatever when he calmed down.  i was leaving once and i thought he was going to tear his front door off the hinges. 

i wondered where i had lost that self assuredeness and starting allowing people to invade my boundaries, treat me badly, and make me feel responsible.  most importantly, when did i start staying.  i think it was because of this relationship.  he went away to work for the summer and i cruised town, dated another guy, and knew that he would never forgive me and it would be over when he came back. I went to go and see him and he said the exact opposite, he said that he loved me and wanted me.  I was thrown a curve ball, didn't know how to react, so i needed some time.  He didn't take that too well, we did get back together for a short amount of time and then he cheated on me at the high school football game.  I lost the love of my life and my best friend that year, i had no one really to lean on and i just spiralled into my first really bad depression.  I was living with my mother who was working all kinds of strange hours, my dad was going to law school (something he didn't really want to do) and you could really tell the strain that was taking on their marriage.  i am sure that i didn't really help since my mother and i had a relationship that was to one extreme or the other. 

i beat myself up for not staying for many years afterward.  i think i married my first husband because he reminded me of my first love.  unfortunately, they were way too much alike. 

i never talked to my first Love's ex wife about what had happened.  i know they stayed married a long time, i am not sure who left who.  thankfully they never had children.

i did feel a little twinge of jealously when i heard that he had gotten married, had a child, and they owned two houses in two states so that they could be close to both of their parents.  i pray that his new wife will never have to see the person that his ex wife and i did. 

the defining moment of self loathing was when i had convinced myself that he would never love anyone the way he loved me.  then i was sitting on the stairs during lunch one day, him and her were standing in the foyer and i saw the way that he was holding her hand and looking at her and i told myself right then and there "see, i am not that special" and carried it for far too many years. 

lessons learned, earned, and shared

so my little app from history reminded me of last year, my mother dying, getting divorced, getting married, having a step daughter, god removing some toxic people from my life. 

it all happened so quickly, the divorce was something that i needed to do years before.  we were just roommates.  i can remember when we first split up and i think it was my first month paying bills by myself and my car payment was to automatically drafted from my account.  I wake up to this email and it was from my bank about how my automatic payment was denied because i had insufficient funds.  I felt like a failure, like maybe i couldn't do this on my own.  I was out of town on a business meeting, had no way to look up my account, when i knew there was more than enough money in the account to cover my car payment.  I was determined not to call him and ask him for help.  I called the bank and it was a glitch in the system and now every month i get the email, i just smile and remember how my faith in myself was shaken that day. 

Now i use my beloved spreadsheet and make up the budget, pay the bills and thank god that we find a way each month.  We are still paying 2 house payments and all of the bills that go with that, it has been 6 months since my husband and daughter moved from that house and we made a home together.  I can actually say that for once it seems like home. I know that the house will sell when it is the right time, my husband gets caught up in "when the house sells".   Where i only know to deal with the here and now.  I call it our "new reality" and maybe that is what the last year taught me.  I still don't think i know how to live in the moment, but i have gotten better at "being here" for the sake of my daughter because i don't ever want her to feel like i felt.  She is so beautiful and smart and sure of herself and so willing to put herself out there, playing softball listening to coach get on to her.  I see that and i am so wishful for that mentality because i would be standing on that field crying.  I tell her my stories of failure so that she knows that it happens.  Try to explain motives of boys and how she should be treated and she should never expect anything less.  I hope her father and i show her somewhat of a healthy relationship (the healthiest that i have ever been in). 

I just try to be the cool step mom who listens, tries not to judge, tries not to intrude on her personal boundaries, and hopefully she can learn from my lessons. 

vdays of the past

so they have this little nifty app that takes you back in to time and shows you past fb posts from 1 to 5 years ago

so my "timehop" was

"well didn't that just stink?  If it were Christmas i would say bah humbug, what you say when your vday was horrible?"

this was 4 years ago, skippy was mad at me and kicked me out of the car on okmulgee, he came back and picked me up.  If there was a defining moment for my marriage being over that was the exact moment.  I can remember the way he looked at me, it was the look i had seen on too many guys faces when they snap.  I had to fight with him for two days to get him to apologize and then i heard the motto of every guy that was ever mean to me "I am sorry BUT you made ME do it".  I was so broken hearted because i never thought that he would ever do that to me, i never thought he was capable.  I should have known better, he had treated everyone else in his life like they were beneath him.  I don't know why i thought that i was special.  I guess i was still stuck in my bad boy, i can change them cycle. 

this is how twisted i am, i read that last week and just laughed.  i suppose it was because he couldn't hurt me like that anymore or it was just another learning lesson from my past.  How much that hurt at the time and now it was a joke.

i was watching "married at first sight, the first year" and i could see skippy and i in one of the couples.  She had a really bad childhood to which i cannot compare.  Her husband is beaver cleaver and he really struggles to see where she is coming from. dejavu.  she wants a family so bad and they are very inviting right now.  Please do not expect that to last forever, the moment you hurt their baby boy, they will turn on you like wolves.  Now, you have built your life around them, depending on their encouragement, and one day it will all be gone and you will be lost. 

i saw my ex father in law the other day, said good afternoon, walked on expecting nothing else and he actually sounded happy to see me....i just kept on walking. i don't need anymore heart ache, i think i have enough.  I can finally talk about his parents without crying.

what was it that oprah always says i wouldnt take a nickel for my journey now. 

Friday, January 30, 2015

Airline flotation devices

So, I am a nerd. I like to listen to NPR especially fresh air. I love her interviews, the book reviews of books that I buy and can't find time to read.

A writer she was interviewing was describing the instructional presentation that is at the beginning of every flight as if everyone was in church, being quiet (which no one does anymore) and not challenging why we are suppose to put on our mask before helping anyone else.

All I can ever think about during the "in the case of a water landing, remove your seat and wrap your arms in the bands to use as a personal flotation device" is we are more than likely going to crash into the ocean and die.  If, by chance scully is piloting our plane and we successfully "land" on water, that seat isn't going to float with me on it for very long or keep me from getting eaten by sharks. Worse yet, I land in the everglades and get eaten by an alligator.  Hopefully I drown before I am eaten. 

I once thought that the price of tickets should be based on pilots experience (odds are if they crashed you wouldn't have to concern yourself with those pilots), but if scully is flying, you would probably pay a little more for that peace of mind.  If you get a newbie well then you get a discount to buy air insurance from one of those little kiosks at the airport.

Speaking of which, if you buy insurance and you does anyone know you purchased insurance.  They could just cash your check and move along to the next anxiety driven purchaser.

I always wonder if I am the only one who thinks any of this and wants to ask the nice stewardess how long I may expect that cushion to float (they are probably secretly thinking the same thing I am, we are all going to die so really none of this information is useful).  Maybe if you are really crafty you could steal a bunch of them and tie a few to each appendage, that might keep you floating for a few more minutes. I do know one thing, don't fly on airchina, they have a bad habit of losing planes.  Wonder how those seat cushions are floating?

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Sometimes you need to look in the mirror

Be the man you want your daughter to date (or something like that)

I dated this guy in the early 90's.  It was one of those wth was I thinking decisions.  He wasn't very nice to me, broke up with me, and sent my world spinning.  Then after I got divorced he came back around swearing I was the love of his life.  I have a rule of not dating exes because it usually doesn't take long to figure out why they are your ex.  I still swear to this day that we were in two different relationships.

He even sent a text to make sure we had no chance of getting back together before he proposed to his live in girlfriend. 

She has at least one daughter and I am guessing by his face book post that a guy told her she was fat and ugly.  He had a tirade of threats to find this guy and I guess beat him up (real mature I know).

Now I know it takes two to tangle but I think he has been a ass to pretty much everyone he has ever dated.  He once left a girlfriend at his parents house so he could go to a party with me (I didn't know and was furious when I found out).  He has a child with a girl that was drunk and allowed multiple to have sex with her.  He once told me that he would like to have sex with me because I hadn't had a child, sex in 6 years, so I wouldn't be stretched out (he was living with his soon to be wife).

So I found the irony of his tirade of how men should treat women.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

I wish I could be like the cool kids

Everything makes me uncomfortable these days.  I wonder if I have ever truly been comfortable.  I think when I hit a place in my depression where I am not drowning and I am too worn out to want for anything is when I feel comfortable.

I spend my days going from happy, to sad, cold, to hot, can't hear to too loud. I go from wanting to curl up in joe's arms to wanting curl up and never see or hear a soul. Some days I see fine and some days I feel as if there is a film on my glasses and in my world. I just want to pull my skin off and feel something else. 

I pull at my clothes and can't sit still.  I don't know what to do to feel different.
Some days I have the patience of a saint to being irritated by the sound of my own voice. 

I am stuck in my own goldilocks world. Nothing feels "just right".

Effective communication

Yesterday a man asked for directions to a local store.  I was listening as one of my cashiers was giving him directions.  I became confused and I live here. 

I think the way people give directions says something about them. 

People come in my store and ask for the restroom, I hear people going through this long drawn out explanation.  I am thinking I hope that they don't have to go too bad or there is going to be a puddle.  It starts out with "do you see that exit sign on the back wall, look to the right, lower....turn left and go down the hall, it is the first or second door on the right.  Don't turn right because that is the breakdown and at the end of the hall is wellness."

If you ask me where the restroom is "it is in the back right-hand corner, go down the hallway and it is on the right."

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Last night a convenient store was robbed and a customer was shot while trying to stop the burglary.

The customer was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. When I got off work last night, I drove past the store on my way home, there was police tape up around the store.  Police cars blocking it off, a man setting a tripod to either take pictures for the local paper or an online news site.  Everyone is on red alert, the shooter had ran off and hadn't been found yet.  People locking their doors.  I slept with the dogs which probably explains my tiredness and foul mood today.

This morning I drive by the store on my way to work and it is as if nothing had ever happened.  No news on the shooter or the victim, he may be dead. I am in awe of how such a life changing event can take place and nothing really changes except for the handful of people involved.

It makes you realize how small you really are in the scheme of things.

At this exact moment someone is taking their first breath, someone is taking their last.  Someone is falling in love and someone is having their heart broken.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Perception of heaven

"To die would be awfully big adventure"

This profound thought was on a friend's instagram

I see heaven as a bunch of old people sitting around in robes talking about old times.  Kind of like an old person's waiting room, except you can't really see faces on the other side of the room. Which when you think of it that way, it is quite dreary.

I am not sure why I have this vision but I have had it for years.  Which is a sad way to see heaven. 

We were talking about this today and one of the girls was saying that there would have to be a day of judgement.  So I said, you see heaven as a long waiting line.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

One less problem without ya

I made an important decision last week and I will feel better in the end.

My sister sent me her taxes from 2011.  She isn't sure if they were filed or not.  If she was able to claim one of the girls or not. She sends me a text last week stating that it was imperative that her taxes were fine immediately because she was being fined and penalized. 

I have procrastinated because I really don't want to be responsible for a return that probably isn't correct.  So today I sent it back to her with a note stating I didn't feel comfortable with my skill to do her taxes.

She doesn't receive federal or state because she didn't pay her tuition when she was going to school. 

Days that make me dislike people

This was my day

A lady with a complaint that our animals were dying and we were torturing them.  She supposedly came in Friday night but waited until 1030 last night to complain.  So I called crazy lady first thing this morning.  I had dealt with her before where she had a sick animal because she didn't have the correct habitat.

Since the end of December I have been dealing with a lady who had a sick kitten that she adopted.  I gave her three options, call the adoption partner, take it to the vet, or bring it to the store so we could make sure it was taken to the vet.  I left that Sunday wondering if she had brought the cat back.  She then calls me a week and a half later wanting me to look up the adoption partner.  I then asked her if she was the same lady that I had talked to on that Sunday.  Yes.  I asked her why she didn't bring the cat in that day.  She said she wasn't in town. Supposedly she called the adoption partner and it wasn't their cat.  I told her to bring me the cat, she was concerned about how much it was going to cost her. I told her to just relinquish the cat and we would take the cat to get medical attention.  Today I guess I just wanted to be disappointed, so I called her.  The cat died and she is too upset to talk about it?

Monday, January 12, 2015

Finally learning?

I went to therapy today

I felt as though I was all over the place. I usually try to have an agenda before I get to therapy but joe went with me today and we talked the entire way.

I always use the new year to reflect on the past year.  Yesterday was my dad's birthday and the day that he had to decide last year to put mother into the nursing home. We had him over last night and tried to hopefully make his day a little brighter.

I had gone through some of my posts from when Skippy and I were together.  I had forgotten how lonely this house felt. Skippy was a lot like mother when he was angry, he would give you the silent treatment for days. 

I had read some of my posts to joe and he wanted to know what I blogged about now.  So I read a few.  He said his goal is not give me a reason to complain about him.  I thought about it for a moment. I don't blog about my marriage because I am fiercely protective of it.  I learned in my first marriage to pick my battles.  I will take responsibility for allowing other people into my relationship with skippy and not to make that mistake again. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Keys and crazy people

This morning I forgot my keys and didn't realize it until I got to the store.  So I had to drive back across town get my keys and then go back to the store....10 minutes late.

The computers were down.

Today was adoption day. This guy comes in and is holding this dog and crying.  I mean bawling.  I am about to start crying, because I am thinking that the dog reminds him of a dog he had lost. Then come to find out the guy had owned the dog and relinquished it and his sister was saying she was going to shoot it in the head.  The guy wasn't crying because he had to give up his dog, he was crying because his dog was in a crate. He is frigging lucky the dog isn't 6 feet under.  He then said he wanted his dog back....really, so his sister can shoot it in the head?

All of this is going on while the newspaper is interviewing us for an article about converting old trash cans into dog houses.

My husband comes and gets me for lunch.  I get back about 3:15 and think I am just going to leave my stuff in the car, I only have an hour and forty five minutes.  I think I am going to go next door and pick up a few things, but I have to go to the car to get my wallet. Guess what, I don't have any keys to the car.  I had to call my husband to come and unlock my car.

Friday, January 9, 2015

common courtesy

so....i will admit it, i am a democrat and i voted for obama.  yes i know that people like someone to blame their lot in life on, but i am getting to the point that i don't even like the sound of his voice. 

i think that if you are president that you should pledge allegiance to the flag, they need to add that to the job description next time.  i just think there is something wrong about the leader of our country doesn't want to salute a flag that represents America.  does he not like America? 

maybe it is because i am from the south.  the place where you hold the door open for strangers, you pull over, take your hat off and turn off the radio when a funeral procession goes by, and you stand for the American anthem with your hand over your heart and you remember all of the people who gave their life for our freedom. 

go to church, don't go to church....whatever, but don't make one cares

i think that it is disrespectful to send representatives to the funeral of a guy that was shot by a cop and not give the same courtesy to our fallen soldiers. he is the commander and chief correct?  he did give the order for those people to go and give their life, right?

i don't like the fact that i get to pay for him to go on vacation to hawaii....i would like to go to hawaii, i bet lots of other people would too. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

addiction to feeling better

whenever you see a big person in a motorized wheelchair, i always think they need to get their fat butt up and walk, it would be good for them.  

i would always think that and immediately be upset with myself for judging.  I am now obsessed with the show "my 600lb life".  I have watched about 3 episodes and it really didn't change my view.  Then i saw a show last night that made me feel horrible for looking down upon people like that.  There was a guy in his early 30's.  He couldn't hardly sleep because his legs hurt so bad.  He had to live with his parents because he couldn't take care of himself.  He had the gastric bypass surgery and started doing really good.  He was starting to look forward to a future, then he ended up in the hospital because he couldn't breathe.  It turned out that he had an auto immune disease that was starting at his feet, going up to his hands and he could die or be paralyzed for the rest of his life.  he stayed in the hospital forever, almost looking as though he was in a vegetative state.  I am not sure how long this lasted and then he started getting better.  His mom came twice a day, once in the morning and once at night.  The insurance company then decided that he needed to be moved to a nursing home 300 miles away.  The doctor and family fought it and lost.  Then his family decided to renovate their house and they would take care of him.  He had found him a fiance', she moved in to help.  Then one day he came home and she was gone, he fell into a huge depression and started eating like he did when he weighed 600lbs. 

It made me realize that even though those people may look different, they aren't any different than me, than most of us.  We all have ways of trying to cope, things we turn to, things that fill the hole and make us feel better.  His was food.  Mine has been work, food, shopping, spending money, hoarding money, cleaning the house like a mad woman, never cleaning the house, wanting to talk to everyone, not wanting to talk to anyone......we all have an addiction, it just shows up in different forms. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

working retail during the holidays

i have a few days off which is nice after the holiday season

i now find people amusing, even when they are really trying hard to be upset.  i don't think that my give a crap is broken, i just think that i am immune to many emotions, except anger and sadness.  neither one of those are appropriate for angry customers. 

these are things i love
is there anyone working in fish today......nope
do you work here......nope
do you have a bathroom......nope, we just hold it or use THE bucket

i have always loved the people who ask me a question then tell me i am wrong....i just ask if there is anything else that i can help them with.

i have a lady who adopted a cat that is supposedly lying at death's door.  she came in sunday, i told her she had 3 options; call the adoption partner, bring it back to the store, or take it to her vet to have it put down.  All her little girl can ask is if her cat is going to die.  i left the store at 4, it dawned on me on the way home that i never saw the lady. 

she then calls me two days ago asking me to look up her adoption paperwork to find out who the adoption partner is, it is save our strays.  She calls them and they say it isn't their cat.  I then ask her if she was the woman that i had talked to on sunday.  Yes.  i thought this cat was at death's door and that you were going to bring it in sunday.  i couldn't, i wasn't in town.  i am thinking, weren't you in my store having a conversation with me?  i then tell her to bring me the cat.  she is concerned about the money.  i tell her to just relinquish it.  she wants to know what we are going to do with it........ah, take it to the vet!  that was new years eve, still haven't seen her.

i am checking out a couple and i look up to see a woman standing and staring at me, i ask her what i can help her with.  she is fostering a dog and it has wedged itself under her seat. i am thinking that since i work at a pet store that i must be responsible for all situations pertaining to pets.  i tell her i will have someone come out and help her, the guy of the couple i am checking out volunteers.  a deed i am sure he later regretted.  i am watching the circus in the parking lot; the lady is taking all items out of her car (why, i don't know), there are at least 3 people now trying to get this dog out of the car.  finally one of my guys takes his socket set and starts to remove the seat so that the dog will then come out from under the seat.  Yeah. 

i have had several profound thoughts lately, but been too busy to blog


2014 was a unique year, it had lots of ups and downs

i got divorced
my mother died
i got engaged
i racked up a lot of debt
they found a lump in my breast (on my birthday)
i got married
i was able to rid myself of people who had been causing me stress
i dont view myself as broken anymore