Monday, July 23, 2012
It wasn't very long before he moved in and the broke his back at work, his employer fired him and we spent the next 3 years in court. He had no insurance and no way to buy pain medication, so he lived on tequila and ibuprofen. The problem was, you never knew who was going to come to the party, some days it was fun guy and some days it was crazy, mean guy.
I was seriously scared to leave that relationship, knowing that he would kill me or burn the house down.
Everyday is stayed in that relationship i felt as if i losing a little part of my soul.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
i worried that i would pass along my broken relationship that i had with my mother. I totally don't get that, she was close to her mother, they spoke every week. It wasn't as though she didn't know how to have a close relationship, she just didn't know how to have one with me.
my mother has always had floors that you could perform surgery on at any given time, the kitchen to go along with it, neatly folded laundry, a self cleaning oven.............i on the other hand always felt like an inconvenience that needed to stay out of the way. I wished i would have had the words to tell her to put up the vacuum and spend time with me.
My mother could not stand him and my dad had told me that if he was a horse in a horse race he wouldn't bet on him to win. But we did have a time of contentment and things really worked, we eased each others insecurities. I got up one morning and was thinking of my life and of him and how much i loved him and how happy i was and then the thought of having a child popped in my head. I was so freaked out that i immediately flushed it out and thought of other things. I suppose that it was my body's way of preparing me for the months ahead.
I don't remember his reaction when i told him, but i vividly recall his mothers and she freaked out. I decided then and there to not keep the child. He begged me to change my mind and really went out of his way to show me how special i was, but i was so scared of being that vulnerable that i would hear nothing of it. The day he drove me to Tulsa, he was already pulling away from me and i had this naive fantasy that things would go back to normal. I was so wrong.
Between my hormones and the unofficial break up of our "perfect" relationship i was so crushed, i would wake up in the morning and just cry.
I don't ever regret that decision. I always look at my past as i made the best decision with the information that i had at that time.
I had gone to one of those clinics that gave free pregnancy tests and advice. I was so shell shocked that i told the lady that i was 20 and couldn't have a child, she mocked me back in my own pathetic voice. I am not sure if she thought that was helpful or not, but it wasn't.
So according to wikipedia i get to have the depression and i get the manic episode which is when i finally get to feel something other than depressed (abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels), so i am either depressed or irritable which are both miserable. FML.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Lets see, it is so easy to travel when you have a private jet, your husband is a pilot and you live on a landing strip. You never have to figure out how to pay the bills, so you can laugh. You work maybe 6 months out of the year, so you have time to dance because you aren't so frigging exhausted from standing on your feet all day. You have a private chef to shop and cook meals for you. You have a private personal trainer, of course you think your husband is hot.......this is how you stay married for twenty years.
Yes, i am having issues today.
I am waiting at the doctors office, why do we all get in such a hurry to get to an appointment when they never get in a hurry to see you.
I am reading a pamphlet for a medication and one of the side effects are it could make you fat. You know what makes you fat, eating.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I get to go see my new shrink tomorrow....i already know that i don't have the money to support that habit and what i really wanted to do was to print my blog and just give it to him. We live in this world of i want what i want, when i want it.....i want someone to look at my thoughts, give me a diagnosis, tell me to get over it and kick me in the arse, and send me on my way.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
To this day I still get anxiety to this day when i hear a vacuum.
it blows me away that i am 40 and i still have this baggage
Sunday, July 8, 2012
isn't it amazing how you don't do things because you never tried
grazing on facebook and a friend did a project that she found on pinterest, she was excited that she finally did one project out of many that she had pined......which made me think that i only have one item pined on my pinterest and that is the calendar that i lived and died with during my campaign
so, i started pining things that i liked and bread pudding was one of those items, i found a recipe and went into the kitchen to make it. I always get really excited when i find a place that has bread pudding on the menu...........here is the kicker, i have NEVER made it because i thought it might be too difficult
really, i am almost 40, my sister turned me on to it when i was an early teenager, i spend $60 for one at a pie auction and those are the ingredients.........................really, everything in life is this easy, i just make it more difficult
Saturday, July 7, 2012
i am the worst about being on my phone, being on facebook, texting, checking email.....
my bff went on vacation to Florida, when she got back she said that she was miserable when she was there but now that she was back she said that she did have a good time
when did we forget to enjoy the moment, in our world we brag about being able to multitask, it is something that we put on our resumes, something we strive to excel at.....research shows that when we multitask that we arent able to focus on either task very well.
Friday, July 6, 2012
lately, i wish that i had a crystal ball....my dad says that your life is your responsibility and that i control it....not a higher power
karma, it scares the crap out of me
i am so scared to be happy, because for me it never is long lasting
i think i have finally figured out the dragon, it wasn't acceptable to show emotions at my house growing up (unless you are happy or sarcasm)....which is also why i have always picked emotionally unavailable men. Unable to handle me, my emotions, or totally discount my emotions.
i eat to shove down all of those emotions
Thursday, July 5, 2012
we can tweet, text, email, post on facebook and reach people in seconds
someone asked me the other day where i wanted to be in a year and to not say i don't know....i didn't have to say that i didn't know, because i already knew
it is incredible how either getting older or having the right mix of medications has made me more able to cut through the bull crap of life and be able to focus on the things that are important
my last job was very stressful, until the day that i let go.. i am not a quitter so this was extremely difficult, but finally i was able to put it all into perspective. I sell office supplies, i am not curing cancer....no one's life was at stake. People with broken computers may beg to differ, but in the scheme of things, the world is not going to stop spinning because they lost their vacation photos.
i have spent years trying to prove to myself that i am good enough, the queen of over scheduling so that i don't have to think about the things that wake me up in the early hours of the morning with my heart racing....i have spent almost a week with nothing planned, nothing scheduled, and i am hoping i can slay the dragon of what makes me participate in toxic behaviors
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
it is so true, women base their self worth by a number on a scale or the number on the tag inside our jeans
yesterday, i went and bought bigger clothes, i refuse to beat myself up about it.
I will lose the weight, i will always lose the weight, i just need to lose the thing that makes me gain the weight. The thing that makes me want to see the bottom of the ice cream container way beyond the point and time that i was satisfied. The thing that i continue to try and push down with food or shoes, that emotion that i am so afraid will come up and destroy me and my life.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
He's made up his mind and there ain't nothin' you can do
So you swallow hard...maybe you drive all night
Tryin' to figure out where the whole thing started goin' wrong
And in the silence something begins to unravel
You never knew him like you'll be knowing him now
Fallin' out of love and back into your life
Pullin' your heart out from under the knife
Closin' the door on all those dreams you used to know
Fallin' out of love and back on your feet
Turnin' away from that dead end street
And finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go
my fav heartache song, i think it says it all......you never knew him like you'll be knowing him now...trying to figure out where the whole thing started going wrong....that is so me.
I can analyze a conversation, a text, an email to death. I can obsess over it until i find my fault in the situation.
Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.....the advice to groceries via Richard from Texas.....i like to change it up a bit and say "send god's light and god's love, then drop it"
i don't belong here
it is funny, you are never quite where you think you will be in your life...............EVER
it is like the mirage that floats miles in front of you on the road, when you get there, it isn't what you thought it would be or feel like.......and you are always chasing it
i turn 40 this year, i am in school still trying to figure out what i want to do when i grow up, still trying to figure out gods plan and trying to listen to my heart for a clue and wondering if i am making any progress
when a door shuts a window is suppose to open.....i am sick of crawling through windows
Monday, July 2, 2012
i spent this political season watching a good woman be vilified, why..................because she had an employee steal from her. Guess what, 80% of all theft is internal, everyone has had employees steal. This is someone she considered a friend and she reported it as soon as it came to her attention. This person was charged and sentenced to the full extent of the law.
this is the reason that i am glad that i did not win the election. I have had employees steal, lots of them, but i have never had it end up on the front page of the local paper. I have made mistakes and once again that didnt make me the local gossip (i wouldnt go that far).
there was an entire office of people who didnt want me there and would have been waiting for me to make a mistake (many would have been made). Hopefully, none that would have been newsworthy, but i am glad that i dont have to take that chance now.
there is a big part of my life that is private and i expect it to stay that way
Sunday, July 1, 2012
it makes me wonder about my secrets, there was a woman who spoke of marrying a man that was emotionally unavailable for her "...she most likely chose him because his level of comfort with closeness matched hers. She thinks she wants a closer relationship, but if she got it, could she handle it? Probably not." Ugh, i thought the first part of solving a problem was admitting you had one.
Since my exhusband forced me to have sex, i have this issue with physical intimacy, which is probably why i chose my husband. After almost 5 years of no sex and the prospect of living the entire rest of my marriage like this gives me a huge sense of hopelessness.
I think that i want the intimacy of marriage, but would i be able to handle it?????
after matt had moved out and back in, i decided that he had overtaken my original office that i needed to make the spare bedroom into MY office (noone EVER slept there anyway). I have furnished it with everything that i like, even a purple futon with polka dotted pillows. I have the greatest writing desk that i took a chance on and my bff asked me where i got it because it is perfect. I was sitting here thinking that after i bought it, then gave it a great review, that the sales probably increased.
I live in an Amazon world, i depend on other people's opinions to make my decision. I didnt with the desk, it had one bad review (no hardware, i think the people were just idiots and threw it away with the packaging), so i took the chance and had the exact desk that i needed for my office.
I bought the car that matt wanted and now i still look as i drive past the dealerships.......obviously i didnt get EXACTLY what i wanted because i am still looking.
makes me wonder about other parts of my life where i am still looking