Monday, July 23, 2012

soul killer

i took a year off from dating after the narcissist broke my heart and I had hurt Jon so much.  I finally stopped running and getting drunk every night.  One night my roommate and I went to dinner and there was a guy there with a little girl, he obviously had been there for quite some time drinking.  I felt so sorry for the daughter and the father who was so drunk, he could not stand.  My roommate and I left there and went to a bar that my friend worked at, i couldn't go home with such a bad buzz.  I met my next failed relationship there that night.  Should have been my first clue when he kept trying to kiss me and get me to go out to see his "truck".  He invited me to go and drink black and tans with his friends the next night, we went to olive garden instead.  We dated a few times, then one night he showed up as i was getting off work and i was so excited to see him that i just knew that was a sign.  It was the first time i had dated someone who had a steady job and was serious about doing a good job. 

It wasn't very long before he moved in and the broke his back at work, his employer fired him and we spent the next 3 years in court.  He had no insurance and no way to buy pain medication, so he lived on tequila and ibuprofen.  The problem was, you never knew who was going to come to the party, some days it was fun guy and some days it was crazy, mean guy. 

I was seriously scared to leave that relationship, knowing that he would kill me or burn the house down. 

Everyday is stayed in that relationship i felt as if i losing a little part of my soul. 

paradigm shift

i watched an interview with the founder of amazon after the site had been up and running for about 3 years, i guess all he used to sell was books.  He was overloaded with orders and was on the floor packing boxes, he thought it would be a good idea to get knee pads........the person next to him said no, we need packing tables

Sunday, July 22, 2012

good moms.....

i have always been scared to have children, mostly because i have always been so self sufficient, independent, and i usually pick the worst guys to date. 

i worried that i would pass along my broken relationship that i had with my mother.  I totally don't get that, she was close to her mother, they spoke every week.  It wasn't as though she didn't know how to have a close relationship, she just didn't know how to have one with me. 

my mother has always had floors that you could perform surgery on at any given time, the kitchen to go along with it, neatly folded laundry, a self cleaning oven.............i on the other hand always felt like an inconvenience that needed to stay out of the way.  I wished i would have had the words to tell her to put up the vacuum and spend time with me. 

shell shocked

i had probably turned 20 and was in a relationship with a guy that already had two kids, it was probably one of the only times in my life i remember being really happy and blissfully in love for any period of time.  We just really got along and it was probably one of the only times that i dated someone and i didn't care what other people thought.  The first time he took me out on a proper date, his crazy ex slashed his tires.  I had to call my friend to come and get me and his dad came and helped him.  I drove back to check on him and he was genuinely touched that i had thought of him. 

My mother could not stand him and my dad had told me that if he was a horse in a horse race he wouldn't bet on him to win.  But we did have a time of contentment and things really worked, we eased each others insecurities.  I got up one morning and was thinking of my life and of him and how much i loved him and how happy i was and then the thought of having a child popped in my head.  I was so freaked out that i immediately flushed it out and thought of other things.  I suppose that it was my body's way of preparing me for the months ahead. 

I don't remember his reaction when i told him, but i vividly recall his mothers and she freaked out.  I decided then and there to not keep the child.  He begged me to change my mind and really went out of his way to show me how special i was, but i was so scared of being that vulnerable that i would hear nothing of it.  The day he drove me to Tulsa, he was already pulling away from me and i had this naive fantasy that things would go back to normal.  I was so wrong. 

Between my hormones and the unofficial break up of our "perfect" relationship i was so crushed, i would wake up in the morning and just cry. 

I don't ever regret that decision.  I always look at my past as i made the best decision with the information that i had at that time. 

I had gone to one of those clinics that gave free pregnancy tests and advice.  I was so shell shocked that i told the lady that i was 20 and couldn't have a child, she mocked me back in my own pathetic voice.  I am not sure if she thought that was helpful or not, but it wasn't. 

to sag or to sink

i heard once that either you are a sagger or a sinker when you get older, this means that either your face with sag or sink.  I think i will be a sagger and i think that is better than being a sinker.....except if you are a sinker, then you pump collagen into your face (which sounds very painful) and plump back up your face.  I have decided that i a sagger because my mother is a sagger, but then again my mothers idea of moisturizer was to vaseline and she has smoked most of her life. 

bipolar 2

Bipolar II disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode (is a mood state characterized by persistent and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state.)and at least one major depressive episode; with this disorder, depressive episodes can be more frequent and are more intense than hypomanic episodes.[1][2] People with bipolar disorder type II have never experienced a full manic episode, although they can experience periods of high energy and impulsiveness similar to but not as extreme as mania. The hypomanic episodes associated with bipolar II disorder must last all day for a period of at least four days.[3] These periods alternate between episodes of depression and in some cases episodes of normal mood

So according to wikipedia i get to have the depression and i get the manic episode which is when i finally get to feel something other than depressed (abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels), so i am either depressed or irritable which are both miserable.  FML.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I am watching an interview with Kelly Preston talking about being married for twenty years......."eye roll".  She talks about how her and "Johnny" laugh and travel and dance and blah, blah, blah

Lets see, it is so easy to travel when you have a private jet, your husband is a pilot and you live on a landing strip.  You never have to figure out how to pay the bills, so you can laugh.  You work maybe 6 months out of the year, so you have time to dance because you aren't so frigging exhausted from standing on your feet all day.  You have a private chef to shop and cook meals for you.  You have a private personal trainer, of course you think your husband is hot.......this is how you stay married for twenty years.

Yes, i am having issues today. 


I am waiting at the doctors office, why do we all get in such a hurry to get to an appointment when they never get in a hurry to see you.

I am reading a pamphlet for a medication and one of the side effects are it could make you fat.  You know what makes you fat, eating.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

instant diagnosis

yep, today was the first day back to the gym.....172lbs, back at my heaviest....i feel like Oprah, how does this happen, why is it when i think i have things under control life throws me a curve ball and i am out of control again.  I used to blame this on being a Libra, to one extreme or another, but now i have a new crutch....i am bipolar.....really????

I get to go see my new shrink tomorrow....i already know that i don't have the money to support that habit and what i really wanted to do was to print my blog and just give it to him.  We live in this world of i want what i want, when i want it.....i want someone to look at my thoughts, give me a diagnosis, tell me to get over it and kick me in the arse, and send me on my way. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012


the vacuum cleaner was the universal signal when i was growing up to get off your butt and do something and that something better look like cleaning.  My mother is the neatest person alive, she vacuumed the house daily whether it needed it or not.  If she ever shut off the vacuum and cleared her throat, you were in trouble.  When i got married i wondered why my husband never budged when i started vacuuming.....i guess he didn't get the memo

To this day  I still get anxiety to this day when i hear a vacuum.

it blows me away that i am 40 and i still have this baggage

Sunday, July 8, 2012

if you think you can or you cant

you are probably right

isn't it amazing how you don't do things because you never tried

grazing on facebook and a friend did a project that she found on pinterest, she was excited that she finally did one project out of many that she had pined......which made me think that i only have one item pined on my pinterest and that is the calendar that i lived and died with during my campaign

so, i started pining things that i liked and bread pudding was one of those items, i found a recipe and went into the kitchen to make it.   I always get really excited when i find a place that has bread pudding on the is the kicker, i have NEVER made it because i thought it might be too difficult

old bread

really, i am almost 40, my sister turned me on to it when i was an early teenager, i spend $60 for one at a pie auction and those are the ingredients.........................really, everything in life is this easy, i just make it more difficult

Saturday, July 7, 2012

enjoying the moment

A posting this morning on Twitter from a mother named Ellen: "I would probably pay more attention to my kids if they were on Twitter."


i am the worst about being on my phone, being on facebook, texting, checking email.....

my bff went on vacation to Florida, when she got back she said that she was miserable when she was there but now that she was back she said that she did have a good time

when did we forget to enjoy the moment, in our world we brag about being able to multitask, it is something that we put on our resumes, something we strive to excel at.....research shows that when we multitask that we arent able to focus on either task very well. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

covering it up

saw a very young Katie Holmes on TV today, wondered what she would have thought then if someone would have told her that she would marry her heart throb, be on the front of every magazine, have children, and be getting divorced because her husband is part of some kind of weird religion that now she fears

lately, i wish that i had a crystal dad says that your life is your responsibility and that i control it....not a higher power

karma, it scares the crap out of me

i am so scared to be happy, because for me it never is long lasting

i think i have finally figured out the dragon, it wasn't acceptable to show emotions at my house growing up (unless you are happy or sarcasm)....which is also why i have always picked emotionally unavailable men.  Unable to handle me, my emotions, or totally discount my emotions. 

i eat to shove down all of those emotions

Thursday, July 5, 2012

the dragon

in this world of constant communication, it is amazing how difficult it is to truly express ourselves

we can tweet, text, email, post on facebook and reach people in seconds

someone asked me the other day where i wanted to be in a year and to not say i don't know....i didn't have to say that i didn't know, because i already knew

it is incredible how either getting older or having the right mix of medications has made me more able to cut through the bull crap of life and be able to focus on the things that are important

my last job was very stressful, until the day that i let go.. i am not a quitter so this was extremely difficult, but finally i was able to put it all into perspective.  I sell office supplies, i am not curing one's life was at stake.  People with broken computers may beg to differ, but in the scheme of things, the world is not going to stop spinning because they lost their vacation photos. 

i have spent years trying to prove to myself that i am good enough, the queen of over scheduling so that i don't have to think about the things that wake me up in the early hours of the morning with my heart racing....i have spent almost a week with nothing planned, nothing scheduled, and i am hoping i can slay the dragon of what makes me participate in toxic behaviors

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

losing the fear

Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have…undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It’s because he doesn’t care! He’s in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I’m going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I’m just through with the guilt..................liz in eat, pray, love

it is so true, women base their self worth by a number on a scale or the number on the tag inside our jeans

yesterday, i went and bought bigger clothes, i refuse to beat myself up about it.

I will lose the weight, i will always lose the weight, i just need to lose the thing that makes me gain the weight.  The thing that makes me want to see the bottom of the ice cream container way beyond the point and time that i was satisfied.  The thing that i continue to try and push down with food or shoes, that emotion that i am so afraid will come up and destroy me and my life. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

depression in a nut shell

“But he [Depression] just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

he says he loves her

He says he loves her...what can you say to that
He's made up his mind and there ain't nothin' you can do
So you swallow hard...maybe you drive all night
Tryin' to figure out where the whole thing started goin' wrong
And in the silence something begins to unravel
You never knew him like you'll be knowing him now

Fallin' out of love and back into your life
Pullin' your heart out from under the knife
Closin' the door on all those dreams you used to know
Fallin' out of love and back on your feet
Turnin' away from that dead end street
And finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go

my fav heartache song, i think it says it never knew him like you'll be knowing him now...trying to figure out where the whole thing started going wrong....that is so me.  

I can analyze a conversation, a text, an email to death.  I can obsess over it until i find my fault in the situation. 

Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.....the advice to groceries via Richard from Texas.....i like to change it up a bit and say "send god's light and god's love, then drop it"

I wish I was special

what the hell am i doing here
i don't belong here

it is funny, you are never quite where you think you will be in your life...............EVER

it is like the mirage that floats miles in front of you on the road, when you get there, it isn't what you thought it would be or feel like.......and you are always chasing it

i turn 40 this year, i am in school still trying to figure out what i want to do when i grow up, still trying to figure out gods plan and trying to listen to my heart for a clue and wondering if i am making any progress

when a door shuts a window is suppose to open.....i am sick of crawling through windows

Monday, July 2, 2012

public office

this means not only your office is public, but your life and i am not sure that i was quite ready for that

i spent this political season watching a good woman be vilified, why..................because she had an employee steal from her.  Guess what, 80% of all theft is internal, everyone has had employees steal.  This is someone she considered a friend and she reported it as soon as it came to her attention.  This person was charged and sentenced to the full extent of the law. 

this is the reason that i am glad that i did not win the election.  I have had employees steal, lots of them, but i have never had it end up on the front page of the local paper.  I have made mistakes and once again that didnt make me the local gossip (i wouldnt go that far).

there was an entire office of people who didnt want me there and would have been waiting for me to make a mistake (many would have been made).  Hopefully, none that would have been newsworthy, but i am glad that i dont have to take that chance now. 

there is a big part of my life that is private and i expect it to stay that way

Sunday, July 1, 2012

secrets women keep

i am reading a book "the secrets women keep", i left self help books to my twenties, but this one was enough to satisfy the nosey side of my mind

it makes me wonder about my secrets, there was a woman who spoke of marrying a man that was emotionally unavailable for her "...she most likely chose him because his level of comfort with closeness matched hers.  She thinks she wants a closer relationship, but if she got it, could she handle it? Probably not."  Ugh, i thought the first part of solving a problem was admitting you had one.

Since my exhusband forced me to have sex, i have this issue with physical intimacy, which is probably why i chose my husband.  After almost 5 years of no sex and the prospect of living the entire rest of my marriage like this gives me a huge sense of hopelessness.

I think that i want the intimacy of marriage, but would i be able to handle it?????

still looking

isnt it funny how when you find EXACTLY what it is that you are looking for that you stop looking.....

after matt had moved out and back in, i decided that he had overtaken my original office that i needed to make the spare bedroom into MY office (noone EVER slept there anyway).  I have furnished it with everything that i like, even a purple futon with polka dotted pillows.  I have the greatest writing desk that i took a chance on and my bff asked me where i got it because it is perfect.  I was sitting here thinking that after i bought it, then gave it a great review, that the sales probably increased.

I live in an Amazon world, i depend on other people's opinions to make my decision.  I didnt with the desk, it had one bad review (no hardware, i think the people were just idiots and threw it away with the packaging), so i took the chance and had the exact desk that i needed for my office.

I bought the car that matt wanted and now i still look as i drive past the dealerships.......obviously i didnt get EXACTLY what i wanted because i am still looking.

makes me wonder about other parts of my life where i am still looking