Saturday, October 17, 2015


Last week i had a breakthrough

We went with a couple of friends to a concert in which we had floor seats.

I never go to things like this because i always had to drive, downtown sucks, there are too many people, and the traffic. The entire process gives me anxiety. I had some anxiety when we got the tickets but Rick drove, we arrived in plenty of time, parked, and walked to a great restaurant to have dinner. We walked to the concert, found our seats pretty easy. I didn't have any anxiety about the crowd. I was able to actually be there, be in the moment, and get out of my head (as best as possible). I wasn't counting the minutes until i could go home. I wasn't trying to leave early because of traffic. 

I think it is the first time in my life that i went to something and didn't want to leave the minute i arrived. I didn't have an emotional roller coaster.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Too much

This week was something else.

I sometimes have a pain in my chest. I had read a few weeks ago about a woman who had the same symptoms plus pressure in the esophagus and the jaw, she was having a heart attack. The pressure continued for longer than normal and had spread to the back of my mouth. There is a minor emergency 2 stores down, so i walked down and had them take my blood pressure. It was fine. They took 2 vials of blood. I probably need to have an xray taken of my lungs since i smoked so long. I get concerned that is where my pain comes from.

I had a regional visitor last week and my team failed. My boss called and said he was going to be at my store tuesday by 12 doing a follow up visit, have all of my managers there. We have a weekly conference call at 11am.

I had planned to be at the store by 11 but i woke up with an upset stomach. The dogs are barking, the kittens are trying to crawl all over me while i am using the restroom. I finally have to just give up and get in the shower. I have to take my conference call driving across town.

I get to the store and no boss. I call him after we are finished with the call wanting to know what time he was going to be there. My team has been there since 5am and one person is off. He finally gets there at 1. He talks with people, gives me a written warning about how i have failed to schedule for animal needs. This started to upset me but then he wanted to counsel on something else. He tried this last month and he had the wrong information again. I lost it, told him that his expectations were unrealistic, then went to the salon, splashed cold water on my face and neck, sat in the floor and hugged on traci's pit bull. I went to the salesfloor and started putting out freight.

My boss came and tried to help, telling me that i had been in this place before. I told him yes and i had left that situation.


We drove to tulsa yesterday for a doctor's appointment just to find out my doctor was sick. Oh well, they were very apologetic and i was able to get my refills taken care of quickly. Today we picked up two prescriptions for under $2.00. Another thing to be grateful for, insurance.

One of the things that really gives me anxiety is the unknown. I take care of the finances and a couple of months ago i really jacked it up resulting in too many fees. So last month, i sat down with pen and paper and realized that i had skipped a few things. I have an excel spreadsheet that i keep it all on so this month i took a serious look at what we pay every month in finance fees. That was very scary and i thought i was going to faint when i saw a $1300 interest post on my husbands best buy card. It was a promotional purchase. I didn't know and my husband doesn't read or it would have already been paid off.  Luckily we were able to juggle some stuff around and pay just the principal.

It is amazing how quickly debt is accrued. I think i ended up depressing my poor husband but i have to feel proactive not reactive.

Syd went to the game last night so joe and i had the evening to ourselves. We sat, had adult beverages, and talked.

Today, we slept and went to run our errands. We stopped at Golden corral to eat. I never eat enough to justify paying the money but they have the best roast and bread. I had my plate and went to sit down, i noticed a lady sitting, eating by herself. Joe came back with his plate. I asked if the lady was still eating alone. He said yes, so i got up and asked if she would like some company. We sat and talked. She said that God had brought us to her table, she had hoped her son would meet her but called and said he was too busy. I am not sure if she had been divorced or widowed but she had never remarried because she felt that she would never love anyone as much as she had loved her husband. She lived alone, her 6 children didn't have time for her. Her loneliness was felt by us, we drove home in almost silence. I said a prayer for her and was thankful that God had been able to use me.

Joe and i may have debt but i wouldn't give up my little family for any amount of money.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I used to have this chic who worked for me, she was the do not do drugs poster child. I think the first month i worked with her, i asked her at least twice a week if she was okay. Every once in awhile the residue would break lose in her brain and it would cause her to do weird things.
I think that is what happened to butch. Apparently the conversation we had from 15 days ago just sunk into his skull?

My sister called and said that i needed to call him because he was devastated. I called because i love my sister. I told her that i didnt exactly like her at the moment. He answered the phone and was angry. I told him that i wouldn't talk to him when he was angry.  His reply was to curse and tell me he was angry because i basically told him that he had never loved me when i was growing up. I said that wasn't what i said and i wouldn't have this conversation while he was mad. He just continued to yell, so i just hung up.  I have had a lifetime full of anger. Sometimes it just rocks being an adult and be able to hang up on your parents.

I called my sister back and warned her not to answer the phone. She said that butch and claudia had taken her to dinner the other night and interrogated her because i had mentioned her in my conversation with butch. The only mention was he wanted to know why i had never said any of this before. I did, the night we were at sisters. The night i came back from the bathroom and he had his finger in her face screaming "fuck you".

I am baffled. I haven't been around in about 20 years. Why does it matter now? Has he just noticed? I haven't been to a Christmas or thanksgiving since i was married to TJ......whom i married in 95 and we were divorced in April of 1999.

Sister says he doesn't ever remember things he has done. I don't need an apology but he called me that day and asked me the questions. I am sorry if someone, somewhere is holding him accountable. This poor me doesn't work with me because it never worked for me. If he didn't believe what i said was true then i don't believe he would be angry.