Monday, June 30, 2014

talking points wasted

Saturday i receive an email about season tickets that i held with Skippy, so i sent him a text wanting to know if he wanted to keep the seats, no response.  he just hacks me off with lack of decency to even respond, he could have sent f you and it would have been something.  it is just another reminder of the time i wasted on a relationship with someone who doesn't even respect me enough to answer. 

then i found a paper that i had put talking points on, i am not sure if i gave it to him or if it was something i wanted to use while having a discussion with him.  I am sure that i decided that the energy wasn't worth it and never did anything with it, but it made me upset that i allowed someone to treat me like that. 

this was the contents
*putting up your finger when i talk tells me that i am not your partner...makes me feel as if i am beneath you

*i feel unimportant in public when you talk down to me, ie we were at staples and i was going to pull the cart forward so that you were able to have the cashier scan the second cart of water and you said something abrupt to me and embarrassed me in front of other people

*when we were at best buy, you looked at me and asked why i was standing on top of you.  I thought we had gone to run errands to spend time together.  I felt like i should just sit in the truck.

*it becomes challenging to go anywhere with you because if i take too long (ie sally), stand too close, stand too far away, you complain.  You complain about people driving, it really gives me the blues.  I feel as though I have to struggle to have a good attitude and at times i get really exhausted trying to have a good attitude in the midst of your negative attitude.

*i constantly think every day of things that make you upset and try very hard not to do those things.  I should be thinking of ways to make you happy, not things to not make you angry.

*I know myself well enough to know that it is incredibly difficult for me to be intimate with someone when i have to feel guarded or when i don't feel close to them.  I don't think you realize your abruptness hurts my feelings, but i just get over it.  If i say or do something to hurt your feelings then you don't talk to me and when you do, it is short and crappy.  It reminds me of my mother and i don't want to have a relationship like that.  it makes me feel like how i feel is unimportant.  I feel that you are more concerned over who is right (you) and wrong (me) than about our relationship.  You aren't concerned at all about me or my opinion or even my feelings.  Which is why i just get over it, because it is easier to stuff my feelings down that have you make me feel crappier and give all of my energy to this battle.  This might explain why i am overeating

*when you throw up your hands and walk away, it makes me feel like you are treating me like all of the people you work with,  I am your wife and you are not to call me names, you are to respect me

irritated, locked, and loaded

deep breath

sister actually sent me the stuff for her taxes, only after she sent me about 4 texts telling me what she was sending me.  she then asked me if i still loved her.  i replied yes, but i want her to stop killing herself.  she said that she never looked at it like that and she would be okay. whatever

my niece broke up with her loser boyfriend who always cheats on her, she wants to come and spend time with me, but as usual i have to drive all the way there and back.  then deal with a crappy teenager, sorry, don't have it to give, but i made a commitment and was too much of a wuss to be straight to her and tell her no. 

i saw my therapist today and i am irritated all of the time, at the end of our session she agreed. 

i sent me biological father an email today.  i cried.  it would be easier if he just didn't respond, rejection i totally get.  i am not sure if i can do one more complication in my life, but none of us is getting any younger and it would stink if he died before i had the chance. 

mother died in February, i still haven't written a single thank you note to anyone who sent flowers to people who brought food, sent cards, or anything.  it is just a bag of stuff sitting in my office.  a reminder of things that need to be done, like the tile in the other bathroom.

I literally cleaned out my closet yesterday and i found a phone that had a picture of mother on it before she had her brain radiated to death and she became someone else.  She actually had a smile on her face.  i looked at the picture for a very long time and was still unable to cry that she is gone. 

i don't want to go to work tomorrow.  i am tired of my lazy people and the people whom i stick my neck out for that are just ungrateful.  i really feel as though i should fire about 60% of them and start over.  i guess i will just channel my irritation into coaching my employees, maybe they will just get tired of my crabby self and leave. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014


so my sister calls the other day, supposedly she has all of the stuff together for her taxes and she is going to mail them to me.  I wont hold my breath for that to happen. 

i was at my dad's where syd was swimming and the rest of us were partaking in a drink (ironically).  I told her that she was right, that she really needed to sell her car so that she could live.  I found out that she doesn't have insurance and probably no drivers license since they now suspend your license if you don't have insurance.  I tried to paint a horrible picture of her getting pulled over, thrown in jail, and her car impounded for no insurance.  The proper thing to do would be to sell her car.....she cant find her title.  I am not sure why this surprises me but it does. 

I then call butch to tell him the plan, he agrees, but she is almost 50 and he cant make her do anything. 

This all makes me thankful that i am not on the frontline and for the invention of caller id.  I am thinking that the tough love approach about the car might make her rethink asking if she can move in.  Oh well, i didn't give birth to her and it isn't my responsibility to make sure she does adult things. 

panic attacks and cavemen

friday morning i thought i was dying, i got into the shower and immediately had an intense pain from the top of my esophagus to underside of my right rib cage.  I figured out it was either a esophageal spasm or a panic attack.  It was first thing in the morning and i was taking a shower, i had barely been out of bed.....what is there to panic about?????  Anyway i have to make an appointment with dr ford.  At least i wasn't having heart attack, which is what i thought was happening. 

I having come to a spiritual cross road and i found out that my preacher is leaving our church.  Somehow i have become spiritually OCD and this has caused me even more anxiety.  I feel as if i go to church every sunday, tithe, read my bible, and don't think bad things about people then i will be in God's favor.  It is kind of like being married to skippy, if i do everything just right, he wont complain and good things will happen. 

I am reading this book called untethered soul and it about the constant chatter that goes on in our mind.  I am telling my dad about it and he just looks at me like i have grown a third head.  He says, men don't work like that, which is why we can fish for hours.  We have compartmentalized thoughts, they are kept in a box, they are labeled, and they must never touch because we never use more than one box at a time.  He is the one that needs a blog.  I love it.  This got me to thinking about multitasking, which every woman does.  I am multitasked out, i have done it for too long, and the older i get the worse that i become at it, besides studies show that people who multi task don't do either task particularly well.  Perfect example, i am driving home from work the other day, a guy in front of me sees a cop coming from the other direction and practically stops in the middle of the road.  I honk, then he gets to the next intersection and wants to stop at the green light, i honk again.  He gets into the right lane and when we get to the next intersection i look over and he is leaned against the drivers side door talking on his phone.  He is not a multitasker either.  The difference is, i know this about myself . 

The constant chatter in our head conversation then led to talk of the caveman days, where all the men had to do was go out, kill and not be killed, and recreate, which is why they don't multitask.  Women had to cook, clean, and make sure the kids didn't get eaten.  Which is why our brains are wired to immediately assess situations and detect the threat or now point out the negative.  This is why men always want to have sex and women are looking for a better provider because their current provider may not come home one day because he became someone else's dinner. 

I woke up night before last and was having problems going back to sleep.  I found a youtube post on meditation and listened.  First of all, it is incredibly difficult to meditate when you own a gaggle of animals.  I put in my ear buds, learned to breath in and out and realized that i am and have been wearing a corset of armour.  This has been developed through years of dysfunctional relationships, the issue with this is that it keeps me safe, but it allows none of the bad stuff to get out.  I have been going to therapy for a year and i still feel as if i have this black, negative junk in my soul, in the middle of my being.  It is like a file cabinet, i pull out an issue, deal with it, throw it away, or file it back for another day.  I told my therapist, i feel as though i have the clown car of issues.....they just keep coming.  I am going to have to find a way to unlock this corset of armour in order to really deal with what is left.

Okay, so now the goal is to stop the chatter, stop feeling as if i have to be the PERFECT christian, and either find a new church or find a way to go to church without feeling bad. 

Monday, June 16, 2014


my sister sent me a text yesterday that the sky was falling

i usually don't call until i am ready to deal, but then the anxiety of what has happened next usually is worse than the actual phone call.  I think that she has been trying to prep me to move in with me....i guess she could stay in the building but i don't have it to give.  She is a drowning person who has run out of people to pull down with her. 

I called her and she was concerned about the past tax returns that she hadn't filed.  This becomes an issue about twice a year, for the past three years.  She wanted to come to my house, bring her papers, and lay them all out on my floor.  First of all, I would have to go and get her and take her back, which is about 6 hours times 2.  I don't have it to give.  I don't have the money and this is not how i want to spend my spare time.  It is like the people who want you to fix their problems and the people that just want to complain about it.  I sometimes think that she has a moment of clarity, realizes that she is almost 50, and then calls her little sister to help her do the adult thing.  OU had sent her a letter stating that she owed them money and were going to sue her.  I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but she is insolvent, she doesn't own anything.  She said that she was going to sell her car.  Why, because she couldn't afford it.  I told her that was a not good idea because she would need it to find work.  I don't know why i say these things because she wont find a job.  Having a job would interfere with her drinking and when you are an alcoholic, drinking is your job.  I should have told her that selling her car was a great idea because at least that would ensure there was one less drunk, driving on our roads. 

I dislike my sister because i idolized her when i was a kid.  She was beautiful, she was thin, she was a cheerleader and popular and it all came so easy to her.  I was heavier, fought my weight my entire life.  I was barely coordinated enough to drive a standard.  I was unsure about everything.  I wasn't liked by people because i was the mean girl.  Now she tells me how jealous she is of me, how she envies me.  Unfortunately, i didn't have someone else to take care of me, i had to take care of myself.  Now, you expect us all to stop what we are doing and be your puppets.  It is sad what over a decade of drinking and smoking can do to a person and their looks, we are no longer mesmerized by the facade.  Butch takes all of her crap because he is motivated by guilt.  I should have happy nieces and a big sister that I can rely on, not one that i must take care of and watch her kill herself. 

I feel as though I am watching my childhood be repeated by my nieces, two broken people who had zero business having children.  I just hope they don't wait until they turn 40 to get help after a string of broken relationships. 

God and religion

so, i have taken a step back to assess my relationship with god and what i think religion is

i talk to god all of the time, this is part of the voice in my head which i cant get to shut up, it goes something like this

"oh dear, why would someone wear something like that, don't they feel a breeze....i could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that" then getting someone else to look at it, because mean girls like to share their snarkiness.

"please god, forgive me for thinking bad things of other people.  Please help heal that poor girls heart from whatever it is that makes her eat more than she should"

This is my version of religion, If i go to church, tithe, read my bible, pray, and be a good little girl, i will be in God's favor.  If i don't then i will face the wrath.  These two thoughts don't even support the way that i feel about God.  I feel as though he is a good God.  No, i cannot explain why bad things happen, i don't know. 

These are one of the voices in my head that i cannot get to go away and it is only causing me more anxiety.  I don't think that religion should cause you more grief and anxiety than peace. 

i am sure that i still feel that i have disappointed God getting divorced.....again.  I feel so embarrassed when i say "ex husband" and have to clarify 1 or 2.  I can hear the line from steel magnolias "i managed to find and marry 2 of the most worthless men on earth". 

i suppose on most days i feel like wheezer from steel magnolias.  I suppose i don't know how to be happy, i feel as though life has beat me down.  I don't know if i am to believe the me that puts on the happy mask and goes out into the world or the me that comes home and wants to cry and sleep. 


today was a good day, i went to therapy.  I hadn't been in a month.  I had to cancel last time because of work drama, which i will never do again because i spent 5 hours on my day off and nothing happened. 

I have been feeling lots of anxiety lately.  I have been blaming it on the voices in my head THAT NEVER SHUT UP!  I have been reading a book called the untethered soul, which addresses the voices and some people use them to not live their life.  It is a defense mechanism, i get this.  Now i would like them to shut up.

I knew that my fear had been that my father was starting to get rid of stuff at the house, i thought he was trying to lighten his load so that he could leave.  My fear is that the one person who has been that has really been there for me was going to leave me.  I finally put voice to that fear today and i was able to cry, which i have been needing to do for the past two weeks.  I called him when i got out of therapy and told him of my fear, he said that he wasn't going to leave me.  I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  I could breathe. 

I told my therapist that i didn't know what to do with this mounting anxiety.  She said that i was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  No, this is different, i know that feeling, it is a sense of foreboding that usually comes true. I know what pain and chaos feel like, that i can handle, a sense of normalcy, this i am not used to.  She asked me if it had something to do with my relationship and if it was going like i thought a good relationship would.  I had never thought about what a good relationship was like never the less that i would be a part of such a relationship.  In fact that is what made me stay with Skippy for so long.  I thought that i had been in crappy relationships my entire life, why leave the one i was in to get into another one, at least i knew what was wrong with this one.  Until, i couldn't breathe anymore.  Until, someone hugged me and i realized how lonely i had been for so long. Then i couldn't stay. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

pitty party

 "I had an Aunt who always told me that when things aren't going good.....bake a cake and have a REAL pity party. Lick your wounds, eat cake but you only get one hour to feel sorry for yourself. Blow out the candles and move on."

I love my Aunt Dani, this was her advise to my last post.  I think that i am finally over the eating cake all of the time thing, but it is time to blow out the candles. 

It is no longer my responsibility to fix the problems of the world.  I have a fence that needs repaired.  A washer that wants to overflow, tile that needs to be put up in the bathroom, and dogs who need to learn that they don't have to eat everything. I have renamed Samson "grub" after a guy we went to high school with that ate everything, no wonder that dog has worms.  Paisely has received a middle name so that i might actually get her attention. 

I am scared that the one solid person in my life is going to sell everything and move, this makes me sad and scared.  I am an adult and going home in no longer an option.  I have made it this far on my own, but i always had the safety net of my parents.  Rodney leaving would really take away some of my security.

My sister has fallen off the wagon. I had to call Butch.  He knows that i have been going to therapy but i have always danced around the reason why.  I was ranting about how we all had a shitty childhood and we had to get over it.  He asked me if i had a shitty childhood.  Lord knows that i didn't want to kick a man while he was down, but i couldn't lie.  I said yes, he wanted to know why.  I was raised by two broken people who had zero business having children.  He couldn't disagree. 

I actually really felt like i was their trophy, who got me was the winner of that marriage/divorce.  Once the prize was won, i was put on a shelf and forgotten.  Butch was too busy trying to screw every chic he could find to prove he wasn't the acne nerd that he was in high school and mother was too busy trying to prove to her father that she wasn't a failure. 

Aunt Dani is right, blow out the candles on that one.