Monday, May 28, 2012


the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school

Mother decided that i needed to have something to keep me preoccupied, so i became a candystriper (hope i spelled that right, an extra/omitted p and that sentence has a new meaning).  I really did like it, but i didn't like the whole patient thing, so i spent most of my time in medical records shredding documents.....i loved the sense of accomplishment. 

It was a good and bad summer for my mother and I.  I don't really remember the good times (shocking i know), but i do remember her inability to be patient with me.  It was my job to vacuum the house every day or maybe every other day.  I know that most normal people only vacuum once a week, but my mother is a clean freak.  I am a teenager, vacuuming the house is not important to me, making my mother not be angry is though.  I vacuum the house and i don't notice (because there is no dirt on the floor) that the vacuum is not picking up and my mother is mad at me because i don't notice.  I think i knew at that time or i didn't really care that there was never going to be a way to make my mother happy.  Her standards are impossible to keep.  My father now vacuums the house daily, even though i am sure it isn't right, he does it because she cant and this is the standard that she always had. 

Pleasing my mother is like banging your bloody head against the wall, i am tired of my head hurting. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

talking to myself

it always cracks me up when people say that they would be 16 again if they knew what they knew now, i wouldn't

I might redo my thirties again, but not my teens, definitely not my twenties and i would do almost anything to not live at home again.

If i had to do it all over again, i would
1) get on medication earlier for my issues
2) learn how to not take myself so seriously
3) start saving earlier
4) find and follow God
5) choose good men instead of letting the bad ones choose me
6) learn when to stay and when to leave
7) find my voice and use it
8) know that everything will work out in the end and if it isn't working out, then it isn't the end

I could go on, but wont

new car, new life

if you say you want a new pair of shoes, you want a new career.  If you say you want a new dress, then you want a new husband.  If you say you want a new car, then you want a new life.  Becky's new car.

I went and saw Becky's new car last night.  It was funny, witty, and too long for a girl who had been running all day once again. 

I have been buying lots of shoes and dresses lately, i am too cheap for a new car.  I would like to have a Nissan murano, but my friend just bought a Nissan and the transmission is slipping.  Everyone else i know who owned a Nissan had to replace their transmissions, this would be my luck.

My first car was a Nissan.  I loved that car, washed it at least once a week.  I put so much armorall on the dash that it started to have build up, i finally half asses armoralled my dash the other day after spending $5.00 at the car wash trying to get all of the bugs off the front end.  This would be the second time i have washed this vehicle since i bought it in November.....sad. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

changing times

gone are the days when women were hidden when pregnant, you see women sporting their baby bumps and you are hard to find a maternity department.  I was shocked yesterday when i went to Target and saw that they actually had a maternity section.  I can still recall Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair naked as the day she was born with strategically placed hands keeping the cover from being rated X.  There was such outrage at the beauty of that picture.  Now celebrities wear clothing that accentuates their baby bundle. 

My mother in law told me that the first time she ran for state representative that men would ask her why she was doing it and that she should be at home or a school teacher or maybe it was a nurse.  The year was 1984. 

It is incredible to think that women were unable to vote until 1919,   The Ayes included 36 (82%) Republicans and 20 (54%) Democrats. The Nays comprised 8 (18%) Republicans and 17 (46%) Democrats.  You would have thought that the vote would have been the other way around, women being able to vote had to be a left issue.....guess not, since it looks as if the Democrats were for the suffrage. 

Oh how the tide has changed, nearly 40% of women out earn their husbands.  I have the better credit and higher earning potential than my husband who has a bachelors degree and I with my associates in general studies. 

My mother had to have my father co sign for a bed when she left my adoptive father even though she had owned a house, countless number of cars, and had credit cards in her name. 

I am thankful that i never had to feel the glass ceiling and that women before me paved the way to allow me the simple things that i take for granted. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Life is amazing.

Life is amazing.

A young lady that I know whose father just died and found out that she has the same rare blood disease that he had. I met Amber through an online class that we had together.  She had some issues and I found her on Facebook and have had the honor to follow her through her journey. 

Yeah know, I've been very blessed! Yes my daddy is no longer here with us, but would he want me to stop my life?, he's here, he's watching & he's proud! Yes I have a blood condition that has CHANGED my whole life, & I will be on a blood thinner the rest of my life. But Gods still letting me breathe, he has a plan for me, I can feel it.. He helped me get through this, he knew where the clot was & not going, he let me get somewhere safe & live! When I found out I had this blood condition, I was ANGRY, SCARED, UPSET, & HURT... Since I've been out of the hospital I've had tons of dr apps, check ups, etc..... Yes I'm sick & tired of it, but God left me on this earth for a reason. I sit back sometimes & get so angry this has happened to me but then I stop.... & think.. Im not a child who has cancer & has to live in the hospital, I'm not poor, I'm not living on the streets, I'm not starving, I'm not fighting for my life, and for that I am so thankful, I have my bad days... We all do, but at the end of the day I'm one blessed girl who has her Father (God) & my guardian angel, looking after me... I'm not going to be scared anymore.. Worried, ya maybe at times.. But I'm going to take a step back & tell myself; I'm here for a reason, I could have died that day God put an obstacle in my life, but we over came it. Please take nothing for granted.. Think of people that are dying right now, homeless & starving, before you say, "Why me?" I know I will!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the cancer

the older i get, the more negativity becomes a cancer that i fear

I dont watch scary movies because they leave me with a feeling that i just cant shake. 

I listened to a book on cd once about how every interaction you have either fills or empties your bucket, positive people fill you bucket....negative ones only take from your bucket. 

I had a person on facebook that only wanted to put negative things up and celebrate other peoples failures.  I deleted this person, i cannot and will not allow negative people to make me paranoid that i am the next person they will target. 

I can empathize, i used to be that person....the person who tore everyone else down to make themselves feel better.  The problem is that there will always be someone else that appears to be a threat to you and there isnt enough hours in the day to tear them all down. 

I choose to not allow that in my life and to distance myself from those people.  I understand it, but it doesnt mean that i have to condone or participate. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

brown bag

i am old fashioned when it comes to brown bagging, pb&j all the way. 

I like whole wheat bread, strawberry jelly (griffins of course), and extra crunchy peanut butter and the bread must be soft.  Matt on the hand will eat ham and cheese and the bread he isn't so picky about.  I took one for the team the other day and went to the store, bought two loaves of bread.  I went to make my lunch yesterday and noticed that there were 2 slices of bread in the old package, i knew they would be not as soft as the new, so i did what any good wife would do.......i took 2 slices out of the new package and replaced with the old. This morning when i made my lunch the old bread was gone and no one is the wiser, except for you.....................and matt if he reads this, which he probably wont because i always get into trouble. 

Monday, May 21, 2012


it is obvious that i am becoming a union blogger.....i only blog Monday through Friday, but then i have morning optimist on Wednesday at 6:30 am, you have to be optimistic to be up that early

I had a dream last night that my mother in law went off on my opponent (she did loudly call her fat the other day), but i had never seen her that angry.  I then  had a confrontation with the mean girls.  I also had a dream that i went back to my old job, as if nothing had ever happened and i had to eat crow after all of the negative things i had said about my old job.

"speak to people in a way that honors God".........Sunday service

I see how the beginning of Alzheimer's is affecting my mother in law and I know that she will grow angry like my mother (suck, because i think i have finally gotten over my mothers and I damaged relationship). 

Matt always says that dreams are the subconscious way of sorting things he tells me that i need to write all of these down and give them to my shrink (i don't think that we can afford that much therapy). 

gods plan

it is hard to be patient with god's plan

Do you hear that?????  It is deafening, it is my biological clock. 

I never had children because of being with the wrong guy mostly, being messed up most of my life, and partly because i didn't want a child to be raised the way i was.  When i finally got to the right time in my life and found a guy who was strong enough to get me through it, he was impotent.  I know that in order to have my family i must leave, but i am reminded of the story in the bible where the woman was infertile and so they used a surrogate and that child ended up being a disaster. 

I used to struggle with women knowing my husband in a way that i will never know, but now i think that i wouldn't know how to be in an intimate relationship with my husband after over four years of marriage.  I have finally got past the anger of feeling deceived, my husband is a godly man and wanted to wait until we were married to have sex (yeah, i know, i am a dumb ass), but i thought it was sweet and special.  I have spent years being angry for feeling deceived, now i am just indifferent to the situation and i am okay with not ever having sex with my husband, just not okay with never being that close to another man. 

I am torn between two lives, one i desperately want and one i feel obligated by my word before God to complete.  I wish i knew what God's plan was, is God's plan for me to finally have the family that i want or to complete my obligation.  I feel in my heart that i was to carry a child and know that love created the most perfect being.  If only i could just take two people and make them into one......if only life were that easy. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

fake it til you make it

sometimes failing isn't the scariest thing that can happen

i have always feared failure and now that i have gone outside my box, i am torn daily between the fear of public failure and the fear of success

i have stayed in all kinds of situations because i was scared to leave, now i leave because i am scared to stay, sick of looking back on my life thinking "what if", sick of thinking of all the years that i lost and sick of being envious of other people and their ability to not be stuck in a situation

I turn 40 this year, proud to say that i made it, and scared to think that 50 is around the corner....lord, don't let me waste another decade

Thursday, May 17, 2012


sometimes i wonder if i over commit myself so that i don't have to deal with the issues at hand

they have found four more masses on my mothers brain, this probably explains her violent mood swings.  I know there is a very special place in heaven for my father, who takes care of her (or at least tries to when she will let him) all by himself.  There is no way my skin is thick enough to take care of someone and have them look at me and "i love you, but i don't know why".....i am still not sure how to take that.  This may be another one of my issues, i over think things too much.  Thankfully, my ADD kicks in and i usually find something else to obsess over. 

I haven't see my mother since the "rules" talk.  I bought her a plant for mothers day, but she wasn't in the mood for visitors.  Since it went so well last time, i decided to listen to my father and stay away.  I wonder if she will remember that it was mothers day or if i should just plant the flowers in my planters and think of her everytime i look at them.....there i go overthinking things again. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the half gift

one time i was given a barbie for a birthday present, the person who gave it to me was slick enough to take the earrings out and put the barbie perfectly back in the package.....when i asked where the jewelry was she told me that her mother thought that i was too young to have the pieces.  I was 7 or 8 what was i going to do, choke on them??? 

I guess i have been gullible my entire life....

Sunday, May 13, 2012

coping skills

the other day, one of my employees was having a panic attack

she asked me what i did when i had one....i thought for a moment and decided that i either shopped or ate, not so great coping skills. 

besides, all of my anxieties are, waiting for the other shoe to drop

I am so tired of feeling messed up and working so hard to look as though i have it all together, proving to myself that i have it all together. 

I try to do better and talk my way through the issues with someone, but usually i find it convenient to have my panic attacks at 2am, when everything seems scarier than it actually is. 

I have an appointment to see a shrink in July, there is a book of paperwork to fill out and i got stumped at the page where he wanted me to fill out about my family and their issues.  I thought about just putting the address to my blog and telling him to read it, it would make this process much earlier. It is like the time a customer asked what was wrong with my people, i asked him how much time he had and if he wanted that list alphabetical or by seriousness of issue (he just thought we were all too nice).

mothers day

today was rough

there was a cute cartoon with children talking about how they knew that their mother loved them.....they played on the floor with their children

it suddenly dawned on me that i dont ever remember my mother EVER playing with me, not to mention to get on the floor to be on my level

then they did a baby dedication, there were six couples and after matt told me that i had said "ahh" too many times, it hit me and i started to cry

I will never stand in front of the church and dedicate my baby.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

the trees

so at one time i thought i would major in psychology, i am so thankful that i changed my major

i cannot fathom having people suck the life out of me all day

i interviewed and hired a girl that has had a history with drugs.......(yep, you don't even need your crystal ball to tell how this one is going to end).  I believe people deserve a chance, someone gave me a chance once and so i try to pass it forward.  She started to have mood swings, blamed it on personal issues, whatever.  I hired a new girl, which i found out later was a friend of hers and i think she is a drunk.  She tells me that the new girl has spent her morning in the bathroom getting sick and she thinks that she is drinking on the job?????  This is your friend?????

Her husband shows up yesterday, really????  He seems like an okay guy, he isn't trying to bad mouth her, he just seems so lost that he isn't sure where to turn.  So, i am thinking that she is back on drugs and lying to us all.  Another person who is close to the situation says that she is still on the straight and narrow......the situation is never really the way that i see it, so i am so glad that i didn't become a shrink, because i obviously suck at seeing the forest through the trees. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

god is

God is
what brings two people together
the unexpected pick me up
watching a child smile and laugh
is the miracle of life
the ability to appreciate and notice the little things in life
what made you late so you would miss the car wreck that happened 5 minutes earlier
what makes you safe
what gives you strength to make it through the unsafe times
all that is good
the butterflly that follows you through the flower garden
the kind word from a strangers
putting the right people in your path at the right time
putting you in someone elses path at the right time

stop trying to convince people through scripture that they dont get and bring it down to their level, these things cannot be explained away.....

Monday, May 7, 2012

random post

thankfully, this is finals week.  I have not enrolled for the summer, not sure if i am or not.  Part of me is scared not to and the other doesn't want to waste a semester if only for just 3 hours.  I have until the end of June to know whether or not i will have a new job come 2013.  I have an audit to get through the same week of election (i am really not sure if there is enough xanax for that week).  My shoulders have started to hurt again, i had to buy new pillows because my dog decided to mark my old ones.  It is amazing how personal a pillow is, my father in law has had the same pillow since he was a child.  The hilarious part about it is that it looks like a child's pillow and i swear it is filled with bricks it is so hard.  I remember when the latest as seen on TV fad was buckwheat pillows, this is what this pillow felt like.

I saw the mean girls Saturday night and they have seemed to have lost some of their power, thankfully.  It is funny how it all seems to be about perception. 

I have stepped outside my comfort zone and have tried something different.  Not every person can say they saw their name on a ticket.  It is surreal to drive around town and see signs with my name on them.  I am used to being known for my parents or for my in laws.  I know why people risk their privacy for the public life......i cant wait for it all to be over with so i can go back to my quiet, secluded life that involves not talking to people i don't know. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

nature v nurture

I have only met my biological father a handful of times.  Since he has led a higher profile life, i have seen him on TV, in the newspaper, and of course with the ease of the Internet, i now have a picture.  Since i am Hispanic i always imagined him to look like Edward James Olmos (probably because his name is Ed as well).  I assure you he looks nothing like the actor. 

My mother met my adoptive father when i was a baby, they married when i was two.  I have a step brother and a step sister.....this is where it gets interesting.

My sister and I have never lived together.  She is 7 years older than i am and i only spent time with her briefly.  My bff and I were always in awe of her, she was graceful, had a kind spirit, she was beautiful and we thought she was the coolest person we had ever met. 

After her divorce, we started spending more time together.  It is neat when you are an adult, you can have sleep overs without adult supervision, probably shouldn't mention the governor's pool.  It was after that first trip that the similarities were amazing.  Last night, i was blaming her for getting me hooked on bread pudding, thinking that she wouldn't even remember liking it in her twenties and she begged me to bid higher (pie auction) and get that pudding!!!  We drink our coffee the same, cant stand to have water in our ears, her youngest daughter could pass for mine (often does), and we have the same OCD tendencies (if the house isn't in order, then we are a mess). 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

mean girls

This is the way i roll

I am working on a word document for my store that will hopefully get me to the bottom of a situation and will keep me from killing people. I have the wording of an email in the back of my head that i am going to work on next while simultaneously thinking of this blog. 

I have suddenly been transformed back to high school. It is funny how we always say that we would like to go back if we could only know now what we didn't then????  It still stinks and there are still mean girls, except now i am not one of them.  I don't have the burning desire to rip people to shreds to make myself feel better than them.  I have worked hard for everything that i have and i am very proud of what i have accomplished.  I finally feel comfortable in my own skin (when the mean girls aren't around).  I know that God has a master plan and i just need to stop being a control freak and let him guide me to my destiny, because he has always done a better job than i have. 

welcome problems as perspective lifters. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to the situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see you life from Gods perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a momentary trouble.

this was my daily devotion yesterday.  It is so very hard to not pray that an uncomfortable situation will go away.  It is hard to be thankful and pray that God will help you through it and that you will act as he would want you. 

It is amazing how you will repeat a situation until you are skilled to handle it.  I have had some of the mean girls trying to break me down to make themselves feel better.  I had a situation happen in my previous employment that caused stress in my life and made me realize that i did not want to work for that kind of company.  I learned a very important lesson about rumors, reputations, and the value of getting all of the information before making a decision about a situation.  Hopefully, it made me a better boss.

I have two situations that are making me uncomfortable.  I have drama at my store that continues to pop up.  I hate conflict, so thank you God for getting me over that dislike.  I also have the mean girls that want are being judge and jury.  I am just thankful that i have people that know me, will stand up for me, and that my reputation will vindicate me. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

what a wonderful world

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I got up early this morning to water my flower garden.  I am a novice at this so i am not sure when to water, but i do know that i cant wait until i have a day off to do it. 

This is how the ADD thought process goes.....if you water during the day, then you will burn up your flowers, but if you wait until night then there is a chance they could mold, i could water when i get off work, but what if it is still too hot and then gets dark soon morning it is

I put on my robe and stood in the front yard, the only thing that was missing was pink fuzzy slippers, curlers, and my coffee.

Since i planted bulbs, i know that if you water too much they will i just wet down the ground....then i saw the starting of the weed population (now i know why my mother is so obsessive) and so i pulled some of the little varmints....darn, i need to get up earlier. 

As i went to put a little more water on my flowers by the mailbox, i saw that i had a little yellow butterfly entourage...and i thought to myself "what a wonderful world"

i decided to go and check on my baby rabbits.....they are gone and look as though they have been for a long time...........ugh, WEEDS!!!!!