Saturday, September 28, 2013

life as of lately

Tuesday morning I wake up with a sore throat.  Wednesday I wake up with a sore throat and a cough, the kind of cough that means you are getting sick....Really????  It is my birthday week and I think that my curse has expanded from a day to a week.  I go to the doctor, he swabs my throat and nose.  I don't have the flu or strep, but I have a virus.  I get a z pack, some of that awesome cough medicine that makes me sleep like the dead, and a pain reliever.  I go to the pharmacy and off to the house to dream land. 

I haven't seen my shrink in a month.  I was suppose to go on Tuesday, but I had a call in and had to work the rest of the day.  This sends me into a tail spin of no one cares about me.  I try to do everything I can to make other people's lives easier and they could give two shakes about mine.  I am the boss, no one is suppose to care about me. 

I have decided that my sister and I have the most twisted sense of humor.  She tells me about her pathetic attempt at suicide with the bic razor and I say "why didn't you just take a handful of pills".  Please do not get me wrong, I don't want my sister to die or to leave me alone in this world, partly because she is the one who gets how messed up I am and how much it sucks.  Of course when I tell her this, we laugh wildly, she tells butch.....he doesn't see the humor in it (which makes us laugh even more).  I am sure he feels responsible for our dilemma's.  Poor man, I would not want to feel responsible for the three of his children.  My brothers shrink told him (sorry, I will probably get this wrong) that he is "incapable of dealing with real world situations".  Crap, I thought I had problems.  I think that when your therapist tells you that, you have zero options left in this world.  Sister wanted a t shirt made for him.  I would use it as my get out of jail free card....the minute I didn't want to deal I would just flip out my card (signed by my therapist of course) kindly explain that I wasn't equipped to deal with the situation and leave. 

I send my professor an email that I am unable to attend class because I am sick, I have a doctors note and would like to make up my test Monday during his office hours.  By the time that Thursday gets here I am delirious from all of the medication, simple tasks are super difficult and I am giddy.  Maybe, I was stoned.  I had a headache and took the medication that was given to me for my throat, by lunch time, my head was killing me.  I took my Excedrin migraine, headache gone.  I am in no shape to drive across town not to mention thirty minutes away.  My professor sends me an email that no, I may not make up this exam it will just be weighted into the last two tests of the year.  Ass, I drop the class.  Really, I know students pull this crap all of the time, but I am 40 years old with a 3.82 GPA, have missed only one class in my college career and I cant even get a make up with a doctors note.  My husband is pissed and is thinking of going to administration.  Oh well, hope karma bites dr. whomever in the butt. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

thank you for you support

I have reached 11,000 views.  I want to thank each and every one of you who have taken time out of your day to read about my struggles.  Even at times when I was tired of hearing myself complain, you stuck around and dredged on, thank you.

Sunday used to be the worst day of the week.  I found religion and got prayed up for the week.  Then last fall happened and I was unable to do anything, but was thankful to have an entire day to sleep so that I might be able to make it through the week.  Now, I am waken up by my sweet precious B who is ready for his Sunday ride and his donut holes.  I forgot something this morning, so they went on two rides....what a treat.  Now they are sleeping away.  I saw a dog yesterday who reminded me of a white B, he was so oblivious to the world around him and was so sweet and he let me hug on him.  Matt was all about it but said that the big dogs would have to go outside....I cant do that, so I pray that Marley finds a good home.  If he is still there next weekend, I think I will try and adopt him.  I don't think Matt actually has the heart to leave them outside especially with winter coming up.  Paisely is thirteen now and she will always be my baby girl, but I don't know how much longer I will have her.  She saved me from heartache and a bad breakup.  I think that dogs come into our lives when we need them and they pick us.  I really believe that animals are the closest thing to God, they don't judge, they love unconditionally, and they bring me pure joy.

Bubba did manage to eat a box of fiber bars the other day.  I came home and three of the four boxes were eaten from the box.  I went to class, came home and asked my husband how his night was.  He said okay, but bubba was a little gassy.  LMBO, I told him about the fiber bars and he said that explained the urgency to go outside when he got home.  We should have called that dog Marmaduke.  I love him so much. 

This is what I called my white bubba yesterday and Delsie laughed so hard.  I didn't realize what I had said until it was too late.  He will probably get 80 lbs like B.  I am just not so sure about how B will react with another male dog in the house, but he wants to play so much and paisley is getting so old. 

If it is meant to be, he will be there next week and we will see, maybe we can just foster him for a time. I just worry that B has become attached to his sister and when she leaves that he will be too lonely, 

Friday, September 20, 2013

homeless people and happiness

okay so now the city has passed an ordinance, the homeless people must wear an orange vest and get a permit to stand on the corner to beg for money......really?  If you can go through all of that then you can get a J O B like the rest of us.  I think that I still have some doggy vests left over from summer, they are orange and they could fit a human.  I think I will make up a homeless kit, vest, sharpie, and piece of cardboard for $ could work. 

I did find out the rest of the story that human resources was told about me last week.  I supposedly went into the system and deleted certifications so that I didn't have to give people raises.  My boss told me that he wasn't aware of any way to delete training from the system and I told him I wasn't either.  The other issue was that I had a trainer that took a few days off and I keyed PTO for her and she immediately quit.  I haven't had a trainer since last year, she was fired for taking money under the table for training and I have no way to key PTO for her because she isn't from my store.  I am hoping this is the end of the drama.  One of my managers and I were talking about it today and I told him I really did wish them well.  He said that he had told them as much and they looked at him shocked.  I find that really sad that they live in a world that they don't believe that there are people out there that really do wish good things for others.  I am beyond the point of thinking that there is only so much happiness to go around and if someone else gets theirs then I wont get mine.  Lord knows I gave up enough of my happiness to try and help cereal box psychology degree didn't work out this time. 

I know that I have spent way too much time on this, but I like to know what makes people click.  I am not sure if the drama is a smoke and mirrors to divert attention away from what they are doing or not doing.  If it is an adrenaline rush like procrastination, or if it just makes them feel important.  I have said a lot of things about my childhood, depressing it was, drama it wasn't.  Butch was a Lt colonel in the US Army and drama was not allowed. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

finding serenity birthday is in less than 2 weeks and it always makes me think of two things.  First, hide because I have the worst birthdays.  Second, I look at people my age and think "do I look that old", but mostly the only people I compare myself to are the people in their mug shots.  I am pretty sure that doesn't count because crack isn't too kind to the body. 

I took my cost accounting test the other night and made a 79, was not happy at all.  Until she told us that the class average was a 73?  I decided not to drive off the bridge.  She gave us some extra credit and I took full advantage.  I felt like I had a better handle on the whole thing after last nights class.  My energy level is coming back and I am starting to feel like I am getting back in the game which is nice.

I did have a conversations with my significant other about his behavior and how I contemplated beating him in his sleep with a baseball bat.  I did realize that I was transferring my anger from butch and the rants that I used to hear from him about being selfish. 

I just feel so negative and full of anger at times, the rest of the time I am just annoyed.  I have been trying to build  some quiet time into my day and that seems to help some what.  I struggle with thinking that everyone is an idiot and have little patience.  My therapist said that I was full of rage.  She says that I need to either swim, join a yoga class, or meditate.....she does realize that I am borderline ADD????  Meditation is out of the question.  I found one yoga class and it is one day a week and I can already see what kind of disaster that would, the uncoordinated one.  I stopped swimming because it was killing my hair and they have the most unreasonable schedule, unless I want to get there at 6am.  Now I just sound like the rest of my children making excuses.  I think I need to find something to beat the crap out of, like a punching bag....that would make me feel better, find a kick boxing class.  I bet that would make me sleep better at night.  I am not an "OHMM" kind of person.  I cant even pray without being distracted, so now I just talk to God all day....then my day becomes one long prayers where I call people idiots and then ask for forgiveness.  It is the closest thing to serenity that I have found.....don't judge. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

being appreciative

No news is good news, I heard nothing of the chicken little episode on Friday.  It has really amazed me how much less exhausted I was come the end of the week.  I really cannot believe that I have spent almost a year dealing with those two and their toxicity and how much it really drained me.  No one can suck the life out of you without your permission. 

I have spent the last year in a depression that has left me unable to do more than what is necessary to function.  Spending most of my time in bed and feeling as though I was walking through quicksand. It is tough when you have such debilitating depression.  It isn't like my sister who is wearing a boot on her foot and has a visible sign of damage.  People don't understand because you look fine, you have no visible scars or broken bones.  You feel real pain, pain that is felt to the bottom of your soul. 

The good news I have stopped medicating myself with food.  I just need to make the time to exercise and I know that I will get more energy.  I still have good days and bad, but it is nice to be able to say that I actually had a good day.  It has been a very long time since I was able to say that. 

Ironically, it sometimes takes someone else who is at the bottom (I know exactly what that feels like) to point out to you what you do have in order to make you feel appreciative. 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

feeling bad, help someone else

I was so preoccupied with the chicken little episode Thursday night that I was beside myself.  I had remembered that when something bad is going on in your life you can lessen your worries by helping someone else.  I called my sister. 

The good news is that she sounded sober.  She managed to fall off the curb and break her foot.  I think that I was able to use some of the life lessons that I have learned to help her.  I have lived for years with negative self talk and this is a new concept for her.  I asked her if she would talk to her daughters that way, of course she replied no.  I said then why would you talk to yourself that way.  I also know a few things about punishing myself for things that I have done wrong in the past.  I think that the conversation really made me realize how much I focus on the past. 

Ironically enough she was abandoned like I was by her parents, but her mother sent her to live with other people.  I was left to my own devices.  She said that she really felt as is she had been hampered by this experience.  She had lived with people who did everything for her, her laundry, fixed three meals a days, and she learned none of these life skills.  Where I was left to do my own laundry, cook my own meals, and learned to be independent .  She had come to the same conclusion that I had that it sucked but taught me many life skills. 

I stopped spending my life comparing myself to others when I realized that if you are jealous of what other people have, you are either meant to not have it or you need to go after it yourself.  The choice is yours. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

chicken little part II

if God will lead you to it, he will lead you through it....this is my mantra today

chicken little finally gave her notice, then decided to tell my new employees that I was a racist and come Friday she was going to start all kinds of heck.  So I called my boss and asked him if I could tell her and her girlfriend that their termination was immediate and he agreed.  Wednesday morning I told chicken little that my boss had decided that her termination would be immediate.  I asked if she had anything in the building that she needed to get, she said no, I then told her that there was no reason for either of them to come into the building in the future.  I walked her to the time clock and she said that she didn't say it, I played dumb and asked what she was talking about and she said she just wanted all of this to be over.  I opened the door, let her out, and said it's done now, shut and locked the door. 

I had to have know that this wouldn't go away so soon.  They have been calling HR, telling them who knows what, but that I gave her girlfriend a bad review and she didn't deserve the review because she knew I was happy with her performance because she had already worked there a year before I hired her.  Really?

I just cannot help having this feeling that this will be my last job all over again and everyone will believe them and I will thrown under the bus. 

I feel sad, I gave chicken little a chance when no one else would.  I know I took more crap from her than I had any other employee.  I spent time trying to figure out how to reach her.  I let her off for every family emergency. 

Rescue a hungry dog and a hungry man, the dog wont bite you, this is the difference between man and dog. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

chicken little

chicken little gave me a break yesterday and has decided to only work the next week.  she is very focused on her new job so I am expecting little trouble.  I either wasn't paying attention or it was another of her big stories, but I swear that she told me that she was going to start acting class???  There is an acting class in our one horse town???   Maybe she was testing me to see if I was listening??  Either way I wish her and her girlfriend well, mostly I am very excited that she isn't in my world being toxic. 

I am pretty sure that I have become the annoying old lady in class that always has something to say and gives the younger students dirty looks when they talk in class.  I really almost stopped my instructor the other night and told these two guys behind me that they could drop the class and talk somewhere else for free.  I have issues paying attention and don't need any distractions.  The most annoying part is that they are foreigners, they were talking in a language that I didn't understand, so I couldn't even eavesdrop. 

My econ instructor gave away donuts and candy bar the other night to make a point.  I am 20 lbs overweight and need neither.   He was making a graph of how many students would sell back their candy for what price.  I pointed out that I didn't want my candy but maybe I was holding out for a better price so that price wasn't a good measure of how much the candy bar meant to me.  He said something about that I was bringing psychology into economics.  I guess he doesn't know about my cereal box psychology degree.

Friday, September 6, 2013

toxic people exit sign

Chicken little gave her notice yesterday, but I am still being very cautious for the next two weeks.

I really believe that when I was burned by my last company I have been afraid to have too much fun at work, scared that things will get out of control again.  I worked with two good people this morning who have great attitudes and the morning just flew.  I had forgotten what that was like.  I obviously still have this need to punish myself, as Butch would say not "get too big for my britches little girl" (I have been losing weight lately).  Oh how I hated it when I would get that speech and it seemed as if he knew that things were going good in my life and he needed to keep me in check.  Then I let the voice in my head start doing it for him.  Training my brain to get out of this negative self talk that I have done for years is extremely difficult.  I even have a hard time dealing with people and walking away thinking negative thoughts.  I have to let the negativity go or nothing positive will never happen.  I have started letting go of the toxic people in my life.  I must let go of the thoughts as well or I will keep attracting those kinds of people who just suck the life out of me.

I have been kind of disappointed lately.  I have been working with my therapist on how to deal with people who try to suck the life out of me and chicken little has been staying away from me or I have been her, probably both.  I haven't been able to practice my technique.  I think that I will start practicing on my customers when they get into their long stories.  I had a lady today who went from telling me about her daughter not answering her phone to her mother blowing her brains out in the bathroom.  I felt as though I had gotten off a roller coaster after that conversation. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

translated experiences

I have been learning to savor the quiet moments in my life.  I still haven't mastered getting my behind out of bed earlier so that I can have time to read in the morning.  Last night as I was trying to keep my head from exploding over information overload from cost accounting.  I drove home from class with the radio off in silence.  I started to think about a reply my aunt put to one of my posts. 

When I speak of my brother and sister, they are my step brother and sister.  My adoptive father married his high school sweetheart.  Butch must have left their mother when my sister was anywhere from 5 to 7.  According to my sister they grew up in a household with a mother who was physically not there, my sister lived with friends and my brother just fended for himself.  I thought how these experiences translated differently between all of us.  I learned early that I had to stand on my own two feet (mostly because I picked men who were incapable of taking care of themselves not to mention anyone else).  My parents (mom and stepdad, who I call my father) told me that if I wanted a car, I better get a job.  My parents, grandparents, and Butch all gave me $700 a piece to help buy my first car.   That money paid for a set of tires, 6 months of insurance, and a down payment for a used car.  I had a car payment in high school.  I paid my own insurance.  I can remember once (when I was playing the "I am a helpless woman" card) my dad telling me that he wasn't always going to be around to help me take care of my car and I needed to learn how to put air in my own tires. 

That is a lesson that I have lived my life by and I don't understand women who play stupid and want someone else to do things for them.  Please, do not get me wrong, it is nice to have a man open the door for you, buy you dinner, and change your flat tire.......but there will come a day when there will be NO MAN to do these things for you and you will either open a bottle of whiskey as my sister has chosen to do or you will buckle up your boot straps and do it yourself. 

So, for all of the bashing that I have done to Butch.  I suppose that I am lucky that he left me to my own devices so that I would have no choice but to be independent.