broke picker

I slept with the light on until i was in high school. 

My adoptive father had class until 11:10pm on tuesday and thursday, baseball games on saturday and sunday, so most of the time i slept in an empty house trailer alone.  I lived in the middle of nowhere, no neighbors next door to run to, and no one to hear your scream.  Since my adoptive father had spent most of my life telling me that bad people he had put away were getting out of jail/prison and would probably try to find him, i lived in constant fear.  Probably why i suffer from anxiety now.  Whenever i would try and express these fears to him, i would be told that "there isnt anything that is going to happen to you".  I guess remembering all of the bad people was only convenient when he wanted to remember them.  This is this man that i would pick all future mates based upon.  No wonder my social life has always been a train wreck, or as my brother would say.....my picker was broke. 

Once i was at my parents house and i heard a noise in the middle of the night, the dog barked.  I woke up the next morning to the back window broke out in my dad's unmarked vehicle.  I told him that i had heard something.  He asked why i didnt wake him up.  I had no logical answer except for i always heard things in the middle of the night, but no one ever placed any importance on my opinion. 

brief interviews with hideous men

an Indy film i found online and had to watch because of the title, but became enamoured with after 20 minutes of watching.  It is based on a book of the same name and now i must read.  I have a friend who told me once it is better to watch the movie first then read the book, because the movie is usually not as good as the book. 

The movie is cerebral and filmed in the Indy way.  There are lots of people in it that you will recognize instantly. 

"she will always be a victim to my villain" is one mans quote of his dysfunctional relationship

another man eloquently speaks of his fathers profession as a bathroom attendant in a swanky hotel and its affect on him as an adult. 

The consistent common thread is a woman who interviews all of these men in the guise of how feminism affected women, but i really believe that she is trying to find the reason why her own boyfriend whom she loved cheated on her. 

She nurses her broken heart and tries to find the meaning of this perfect relationship's demise.  Her boyfriend shows up and tells her the story of how he met this woman, drawn to her in the beginning because it seemed like an easy conquest.  At first detesting her because of her easiness, then peeling back the layers to find a woman with a complex story. 

The woman sits and listens, never saying a word.  This fuels his frustration, he continues to say that he doesn't care what she thinks, but really he is trying to justify breaking her heart and wants her to be moved by the girls story and get drawn into why he felt that he must have her. 

It is a voyeuristic view of peoples lives and their motivations.

resolution

today i read an article about new years resolutions (yes, the magazine was current)
I don't think that i made any for this year.  I always resolve to lose weight, this has been my resolution for as long as i can remember.  One year i did make a list of the things that i wanted to accomplish during the year, nothing insurmountable like climbing mt Everest or curing cancer.  The list did include getting a tattoo (never could decide on anything and i need someone to hold my hand/entertain me), learn how to walk in high heels (i bought some heels, does that count?), and i cant remember the other things. 

I don't get new years resolutions, i think that you should get up every day and try to do better than you did the day before.  I am always trying to be a better me, some days are better than others.

"all the resolving in the universe cant conquer our emotions....feeling emotionally out of control is like having a fender bender: It teaches us to navigate cautiously, pull back before we hurt ourselves and others, and find the calmest aspect of the psyche so we are safer "drivers" in our relationships."

points

Gabrielle Union is an actress with a great outlook on life.  She was brutally attacked when she was 19.  I love that she took the experience and was able to ask herself "who in my life is going to encourage survivorhood, not victimhood".  She had become uncomfortable with feeling like a victim and noticed that people will let you stay in that state as long as you want.

I hate feeling like a victim, there is no power in it.  I really cant stand other people who want to revel in it.  Don't get me wrong, i have days when i want to feel sorry for myself, have someone baby me, and lick my wounds.  It is almost as if i am recharging to get up and go out to face the big bad world again. 

Sympathy, this is my take on it.  If you walk out your front door and get hit by a car then i feel really bad for you.  If you drink a case of beer, pass out in the parking lot and get hit by a car.....not so much.  I don't understand how people are incapable of taking personal responsibility for their actions and therefore the consequences of those actions. 

"you don't get any points when you get to heaven for putting up with bullshit"................well said Gabrielle!!

constant commentary

is akin to "loud and aggressive people"

I spent too much of my life trying to entertain people and talking about anything other than the elephant in the room.  I wish people would get that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not saying a word.

If i don't have anything of importance to add to a conversation, i see nothing wrong with not wasting the energy to say something to just hear myself talk.  Some people find this annoying, but unless you are asking me a question there really is no need to respond. 

I think peoples inability to sit and be quiet is because they are not comfortable in their own skin.  They are too scared of what they might discover if they just shut up.  It is like the fast talking car salesman playing the shell game, he is too busy trying to distract you, so you don't figure out what his con is. 

I really stink at boundaries.  I am either to one extreme or another.  I let the wrong people in, keep the right people out, and i really believe that this is something learned early in life.  Perfect example, people (mostly women) that have been sexually abused at an early age often share very private details of their life with strangers.  I have had this happen on more than one occasion.  I find that when people start oversharing with someone they don't really know, there is usually an agenda.   These girls have zero motive, other than really for someone to tell them that they are okay.

I really like being comfortable enough with someone to sit in the same space and not say a word, not because i am angry or wish to be elsewhere, but because i really just like their company. 

karma

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

When you cheated girl
My heart bleeded girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

Karma scares the heck out of me. 

I spent too many years doing whatever i wanted not really caring about anyone other than myself and what my fickle heart wanted. 

I was very self destructive.  I am not sure if it was a self esteem issue or a self hatred deal.  I constantly was in situations that weren't healthy for me.  I continually set myself up for failure.  I had relationships that were destructive and toxic. 

Happiness scares me.  I am really sure that there is a huge part of me that doesn't believe that i deserve it. 

time machine

you give me the reason.
you give me control.
i gave you my Purity.
my Purity you stole.
did you think i wouldn't recognize this compromise.
am i just too stupid to realize.
stale incense old sweat and lies lies lies
you give me the anger.
you give me the nerve.
carry out the sentence.
i get what i deserve.
i'm just an effigy to be defaced.
to be disgraced.
your need for me has been replaced.
and if i can't have everything well then just give me a taste

someone once told me that i listened to the most hateful music for being such a nice girl.....what does that even mean

I am thinking that since i don't have tattoos, piercings, or a swastika on my forehead that i should be listening to soft rock???

Music is to me what i am sure art is to some people.   If a song is really good, it will speak to me, convey a message or a feeling. It is a memory, it reminds me of good and bad times in my life.  If anyone wants to argue that then listen to Johnny Cash sing Hurt.  Even though it was a remake of a NIN song, it was after his wife died and it is raw. 

I always thought that country music could either make you fall in love or break your heart.

Songs remind me of people.

Look at you girl
Break in the storm
In the air tonight
rattlesnake road
right kind of wrong
shameless
unanswered prayers
give them something to talk about

It is my personal time machine.

the bottom

This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking’
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

this was my motto for the next year

I spent from August until February running, unable to stop.   I was so scared of what the pain would do when it caught up to me that i just ran, as far and as fast as i could.  Unaware of anyone in my path.  Unfortunately that was Jon.  I would run to him when i needed to feel something, when i needed to be safe, and when i needed someone who loved me exactly as i was.  I was drowning and to see the way that he looked at me, the way that i knew (but couldn't acknowledge) he felt about me was too overwhelming.  So, i did what i did best, ran some more.

I spent months crying daily in the shower, so that no one else would hear.  The stress made huge chunks of my hair fall out.  It is amazing how you are only able to focus on one thing at a time when you are consistently hung over. 

Finally about February, i felt strong enough to stop running and to start to heal. 

Unfortunately, Jon and I had little contact.  I cant say that i blame him, there are only so many times that you can be walked on or watch someone you love self destruct. 

the fuss

as my ex roommate used to say "you are one decision away from ending up on jerry springer"

i don't want to sound old, but i am knocking on the door of 40.  I had a savings account before my parents divorced.  It really does shock me the number of people that work for me that don't have a savings account, not to mention a checking account.  They actually pay a fee to get their money off a prepaid credit card.  There is something wrong with paying someone to use my own money.  I am sure this is why my bank hates me, i actually do have free checking and might bounce a check once a year and that really gripes me.  I only use free atms. 

Everyone blames the housing bubble on home ownership not being the American dream.  I really think that there are younger people these days that don't care about their credit, don't care to own a home, or retirement, and don't really understand what the fuss is about.  I am not sure if it is the instant gratification of our society.  I get a 30 year mortgage is scary, it scared the crap out of me.  Replacing the roof on my house, bursting pipes, water heater exploding or the house just burning down are the things that keep me awake at night.  Maybe not worrying about tomorrow is the better way to be.  Maybe we are the ones who stop fussing and start enjoying. 

the complication

Bob had found a better deal and left me.  Well, not really, it took him over a week to move out.  I finally just stayed at my parents and drove the hour to and from work. 

Bob did make sure he cleaned out the checking account and leave me with all of the bills that i so foolishly had in my name (last time that will happen as well). 

I found 2 roommates, to not only help pay the bills but to try and keep me from falling into a huge depression.   These guys are still dear friends of mine and i am very thankful to them for trying to keep me from self imploding my life.  I dont remember a lot from that summer, i spent too much of it with a coors light in my hand.   I do remember Jon. 

Jon was a mutual friend of Bob's and I.  Jon had been to our house many times, spent thanksgiving with us and help us move.  Jon was a student and worked for me part time.  I had a cook out for my employees and Jon met Bob, they had common interests and became fast friends.  Jon was out of town when the drama happened, he had called me and i told him the news.  He came and took me to lunch, i was still in survival mode until Bob finally moved.  I was excited about getting my independence back and moving away from this toxic time in my life.  Jon knew that being with Bob was zero good for me and tried to navigate between us in order to not make waves. 

I had called Jon one night and was talking about random things, he was acting different.  Then i realized that he was with Bob, i profusely apologized and hung up.  I had never wanted to put him in the middle, it took about 10 minutes for him to show up at my door.  This is when i had realized that Bob left me for someone else and that he was living with her. 

Jon and i were in this strange relationship.  One night he and i had closed the store and he says that i locked the door and fell apart, he grabbed me and held me to his chest.  I think he drove me home that night.  The dog that Bob had gotten for his son and left had been digging out of the fence.  I was so mad at her that i threw a stump and hit her, i still feel bad about this.  I then declared that we must go to the bar, we ended up at the closest bar to my house.  My roommate Chris, Jon, and I (probably the rest of the gang) set up camp and drank our blues away.  Jon must have gotten his liquid courage, he put his hand on my leg and i was so happy to feel something other than pain, that i placed my hand on top of his.  I suppose we stayed until last call, between 3 of us we werent sure who could drive across the street to the housing addition where my roommate and i lived.  Jon took one for the team and drove.  I only remember the three of us ending up in a pile in the dining room where we had fallen from the garage (i am sure that i am the clutz that started that dogpile).  We all sat in the living room for awhile until Jon leaned over to kiss me and i told him "this is going to get complicated"

the narcissist II

I am going to try and get this blog back on track in order to continue to purge this baggage from my head and heart

I have had my heart broken many times, but the last one really stuck with me.  Bob (the narcissist) and i started dating in early 1999 and he left me on his birthday August 15, 2001.  Almost a month before 9/11.  I always thought of that day as my personal 9/11.  Bob had phoned me that morning and i had known instantly that something was wrong, he always called me beautiful when i answered the phone.  This time he didn't say it, he said that we needed to talk that night (but of course after he was done playing his game).  I said "you are leaving me".  I don't remember his answer, but i can tell you that anything other than no, is not good.  I went to work, i was a wreck (the first of many days that i would be a wreck).  I left drove home, my mother made me a pineapple upside down cake and bought me a 12 pack of beer (random, but my favorite desert) and doesn't beer always help a heartache??

I stayed the night and reluctantly drove home the next day.  I arrived at home and Bob was sitting at his desk with zero clothing on.  I couldn't believe that he acted as if nothing was different.  Immediately, we started having a fight about finances.  My ex had made me feel so selfish about money that i had gone to the other extreme and let Bob control the checkbook (last time that will ever happen).  I had an epiphany, i just walked away.  I no longer had to be entangled in this toxic relationship. 

I must rewind.....

I had met Bob at the end of my marriage, he gave me the strength to get off that merry go round.  He had totally swept me off my feet (which after my ex probably wasnt too difficult to do).  Things were amazing for about 8 months.  I helped Bob get a job at a company i had worked for, he was suppose to catch shoplifters (he told me he had been an MP in the military......i am so gulliable).   I had left that company and had just finished training for another retail big box store.  I had this feeling that things were about to go terribly wrong. 

Apparently, Bob thought it would be a good idea to put a camera in his office.  Bob thought it would be a good idea to steal from his place of employment.  Bob had also thought it would be a good idea to cheat on his girlfriend that helped him get the job that he was stealing from and to video tape himself with another girl.  He had worked an overnight to make sure the stockers werent stealing (funny, i know).  The next morning he was leaving the store and his boss stopped him, asked to search his bag (the one i had bought him) and found the stolen merchandise.  He went to jail and was released later that evening.  I am an idiot.  The video tape was found and everyone i knew was calling me to tell me about it, to get me away from him, but i was IN LOVE and an idiot.  This is when our relationship turned toxic and i spent my time rearranging chairs on a ship that was going down. 

the snake

if the grass is greener on the other side, why does my back yard look like a garden of weeds with pretty purple flowers......

i am sure that my husband will tell me it is from all of the cheap birdseed that i feed the birds to entertain the cats

i have been having strange dreams lately, matt tells me that dreams are my subconscious trying to work things out

last night i had the strangest dream about mr x, he kept trying to give me an invitation to something, he said that it was a "family" thing.  I don't really remember a lot except that i was finally able to give him a piece of my mind.  I was whitty, had all the right things to say, and was able to get my point across exactly as i wanted to.  He honestly didn't understand why I didn't want to accept his invitation and why i was upset (i obviously put too much thought into my dreams).  Ironically, he had only invited me to get my dad there to marry him and this chic he had been dating for six months.   Funny, up until this moment i hadn't thought that this should upset me. 

Remember, when you mess with a snake, don't be shocked when you get bit. 

the other half

yesterday, i was able to live the way the other half do

My husband bought my bff and i an all day spa package for our anniversary

We arrived at 10am and were taken to the back to change into yummy bathrobes, we sat in a waiting area and filled out a questionnaire for the massage.  She wanted to know why i was there, stress (check), relaxation (duh), and i wrote in "feel pretty" (doesn't everyone). 

I don't get massages very often, used to have this issue with people touching me and knowing my luck i would pick the one that had the sex shop in the back.

It was awesome and there was no patchouli involved.  Ugh, do not understand why people insist on wearing on oil that is the only thing strong enough to cover the smell of weed.  I would rather smell like arthritis cream. 

Next, we had a facial.  This is the cruel thing that happened in my life, i turned 30 and got acne.  I used proactive like a 13 year old for years and then realized the scrub made me pores look gigantic, so i went back to clinique and found a great acne treatment.  I tried lancome, but it is too expensive and made me look like an old lady.  The lady, steamed my pores and looked for blackheads, using the torture device to pop the few that she did find.  She told me my skin looked amazing (which i imagine she tells everyone, but when you are almost 40, you take the perks when you get them).  She used an amazing clay mask with the steamer to keep my pores open and release the toxins (hey, my gym has a sauna, i bought a tube and will try that next week). 

Next we met in the little waiting area, it has a water feature and comfy couches (i need one of those).  We were served an awesome lunch of quiche (never ate it before, but it had vegis and contained nothing fried) and a salad. 

We had a manicure/pedicure where i am sure that those poor girls were concerned about our mental well being after hearing our conversations.  I was thankful of someone who knew how to trim my cuticles and not make them bleed.  I LOVE that paraffin wax treatment, i need that for my house. 

We meet seth and he styled DeeDee's hair.  We have traded places, she now has long awesome hair and i have the short hair.  He did a great job on both of us.  We were exhausted when we left at almost 4:30pm.  I purchased 2 products (about $45) and charged the rest to my husband. 

It was fun and a great gift, but little too much time and a lot too much money.  I don't have the patience to be a woman of leisure (even with a xanax and my add medicine).

changing the filter

Once upon a time you couldve picked my guys up on the front steps of the courthouse......you probably still could but they would be the guy that is coming to replace the motherboard on the server, not the one hanging out on the front steps waiting for his trial docket.

You know you have finally gotten older and wiser when your guy goes from the bad boy that is more likely to spend friday night getting into fights at a bar to the guy that is more likely to spend a friday night saving the planet from home in front of his computer.

The years that i spent thinking my window of opportunity to find someone had vanished, i wondered about all of the good guys i missed out on while in pursuit of trying to prove how special i was by reforming a bad guy.  The good guys who i was too insecure to be with because i needed someone cooler to validate my self worth. 

I have always been so insecure about everything.  I have never really believed that i was beautiful, even though the man in my life tells me so.  I think that is part of his obligation of picking a mate, no one purposely goes out to find the ugliest woman in the world to be with. 

"Dont ever marry an ugly woman, she will suck the life right out of you."  quote from roadhouse.

All of those taught me that being with the bad guy who i thought was cool, only made me feel worthless.   I was finally able to change my filter.  This is why i chose the nerd.

They may be socially awkward, but as long as you are by their side, then they will feel invincible.  I read in the glamour guy issue that the editors husband always tries to look as though he is her personal bodyguard so that no one questions why she is with him. 

No man should take longer to get ready than you do (psst, dont ever marry a cowboy).  Besides i dont need you hogging my bathroom time.  Your job is to sit in front of the tv and tell me which shoes look better. 

When left alone on a friday night, they will order a pizza, sit in their underwear, save the world, and text you to tell you that they love you and miss you.  If there are strippers involved, they will be some kind of scifi oddity or the princess leah/jaba the hut movie scene. 

The nerd will never look for someone better, because they will be too busy thanking god everyday that you chose them and the thought will never occur to them that there is something better out there....the cool guy will never get tied down because he knows two things,  there is something better out there and you arent it.

The nerd spent too many years in the friend zone, watching the cool guys break our hearts, picking up the pieces and knowing that they will do so much better given the chance. 

The nerd is why we love all of those 80's teen flicks.  We all had a ducky and cried when she left him to climb the social ladder.  We are mature enough now to know how that story ended with a prenup, lawyers, and her living in a shack, when he upgraded from his starter wife. 

The nerd will want nothing more that to spend time with you in your white t shirt, sweats, and freshly scrubbed face snuggled on the couch....telling you how breath taking you are (and you never feeling more beautiful).  The cool guy will be more worried about what his friends are doing at the bar and what he is missing out on (making you miserable in the process).

The nerd will challenge you mentally, pshyically, and be your emotional safe place and will always be more concerned about you than he will be about what his friends think...why, because his friends will still be sitting around taking notes and hoping you have friends. 

bff

yesterday i was able to spend an awesome day with my bff

background.  DeeDee and I had parents that both worked at the same small town junior college.  Our parents thought it would be a good idea for us to meet.  She lived in a huge 2 story house and had dolls, was creative (her mother did arts and craft with her children).  DeeDee was frail, blonde, and pale.  She was so quiet, with stringy blonde hair.  We were in second grade and we such dorks that we didn't even realize that we rode the school bus to the same school.  I lived on campus and got on the bus with the rest of the kids who lived in the runned down trailer park that was known as married/student housing.  I was loud and tom boyish.  DeeDee kept to herself.  I always thought the girl that walked by herself looked familiar, but never put it together.   Until one day our parents asked why we didn't spend time together in school. 

This was before "no child left behind" and our classes were separated into (what seemed to me social classes), there was class 4a and class 4b.  I was in the 4b class, DeeDee played basketball and hung out with the cool kids and was in class 4a. 

When we were in seventh grade we both transferred to another school, my adoptive father talked the school counselor into having our schedules be the same.  Things changed that year, DeeDee became the extrovert and i became the nervous one that was more concerned about not embarrassing myself.  DeeDee and I switched places.  My parents had divorced, my mother was marrying my father and i decided that i didn't want to be the poor nobody anymore. 

I have always been blessed with looks.  It has taken me 40 years to accept this and be more comfortable with my body.  A man that has loved me no matter what has made this possible. DeeDee and i were easily accepted.  We have shared everything in the past 30+years. 

I am extremely lucky and blessed to have someone i am so comfortable with and feel no need to hide from.  She accepts me with my failures and with open arms and a bottle of wine when the going gets tough.  She motivated me to put on my big girl panties and go back to school. 

unanswered prayers

when you are growing up, you think that everyone has the same experiences that you do in life

high school sweethearts and first loves

I had known my high school sweetheart from the time that i transferred to my new school in 7th grade.  We rode the bus together.  I had talked with him about his girl issues and he gave me crap about the different guys i was always "going with" (not sure why we called it that, because we never went anywhere).  I was fickle back then as well. 

The summer between my sophomore and junior year in high school, we had spent some time together.  My bff had a huge crush on his cousin, so we would cruise around.  He wanted me to "go with him", being fickle i told him that i didn't see a need.  Needless to say, school started and i was off with someone else. 

Then our junior year, he was finally able to pin me down.  We went riding around one night and when he took me home, i got out of the truck (on his side of course), he asked if he was going to get a kiss, and i said something coy. He grabbed my hand as i walked off and he turned me around, giving me the most amazing kiss EVER!!

I was instantly smitten and we were inseparable until summer came, he took a summer job out of state.  It didn't take long for my fickle heart to set eyes on someone else.  He came home, i fessed up and he told me he didn't care, he loved me.  I was so unprepared for that response that i left. 

It didn't take me long to realize that i wanted him back, his heart wasn't in it.  I flew to California with my mother and on the way back she told me that it never works out the second time.  She was right.  I called my friend who told me he was seen at the football game with someone else.  I was so embarrassed, but really i had gotten what i deserved. 

This is yet another reason why i find it extremely difficult to leave a relationship, scared i wont be able to take it back and spend forever wishing things would have gone differently.

He soon cheated on that girl with her friend and his friend's girlfriend.  They were married and he beat the crap out of her for the next decade.......

third arm

once my mother told me about the last night her and my adoptive father spent together.

She said that she didn't want to get another divorce and i would imagine leave another child behind.  She came to the house and was laying with my adoptive father, she asked him to hold her and he flung his arm onto the pillow (don't put yourself out).  She said that she realized that she was asking him to do and be something that he was not capable of doing.  She said it was as if she was asking him to grow a third arm. 

When you put it that way, it makes you realize that it has less to do with you and more to do with the other person.  I always hung on to relationships, scared that miraculously they would morph into the perfect mate and i wouldn't be there to partake. 

This is what i call an equal opportunist, they treat everyone like crap.

best interview EVER!!!

I called this chic only because she had a guys name and i am sick of chic drama. 

I work at a pet store....i asked if she had any pets

her "yes, i had a guinea pig, but it died of old age"
me "how long did you have this guinea pig"
her "four months"

i wanted to ask what she thought the lifespan of a guinea pig was

me"do you have any issues working with snakes, spiders, or crickets"
her "no, i really like snakes"  (things are starting to look up)....."but it looked at me weird one day, so i let it go.  That's okay i didn't really know what to feed it anyway"

her "and i had a cat once, but the dog ate it"

me "well, we are interviewing other people, if you are selected, i will call you"

catch 22

this is one of my best and worst traits, i will give someone a million chances

When i am done, i am done.  Probably one of my biggest disappointments is wanting more for people than they want for themselves.  I always think that someone, somewhere gave me a chance, so i really try to give my people a chance.  I usually end up disappointed but feel as though i have done the right thing.  Lately, i stopped being disappointed, but not is a cynical type of way.  I think i have just gotten better at seeing the writing on the wall.  I have learned to detach sooner, use boundaries better, and as my day would say "not get terribly concerned about the outcome". 

I have been having more honest discussions with people lately.  I had someone who had been taking advantage of me and when this person left my employment i told them that i wished them well and hoped they find what it is they are looking for.  In the past this would have eaten me alive, i would have gone back and examined the relationship to pinpoint the exact point that things went wrong and what responsibility that i had in the situation.  I would have wished only bad things to happen to this person and i would have doubted the karma credit program when something good happened to them.....now i just dont really think of them. 

This is the problem now.  I take so much, then i will write off people without a second thought.  I have spent too much of my life in toxic relationships with people who sucked the life out of me.  I have committed myself to a relationship that i feel started out in deceit.  I spent a year of this relationship being someones doormat where i bent over backwards being the people pleaser, trying to anticipate the needs and wants of someone else.  I would beat myself up when i wasn't proactive enough.  I felt as if i was a burden and a nuisance (flashback to my childhood).  Unfortunately, it took someone elses attention to make me realize that i am worthy and shouldn't feel so unwanted.  I told this person i was done, they of course promised the moon, i told them that once i am done, i am done.  I hate failure.  I don't do it well, so i am now stuck in a relationship with someone who tries to anticipate my needs and wants and i use them as a door mat. 

the push

I always wonder if people are truly happy all of the time or if it is just an act.  If you see me out in public, i always seem so very happy.  I have learned how to put on the mask, working retail will do that to you.  I tell my people, customers dont care if your dog died, they just want you to help them.  It is like when someone asks you how you are, it is a retorical question, no one really cares how you are...they are just being polite. 

I often wonder if it is in the cards for me to be truly happy, is that an unrealistic expectation?  I get that it is unrealistic to be eurphorically happy every single day, but i look at couples and wonder if after all the years of marriage are they really happy or just learn to stop complaining, learned how to put on the act?

I know that every persons path in life is different.  I used to think that there was a window of opportunity to meet someone and I had spent mine with some a**hole loser and missed mine.  I then met and married my husband, which i would tell people that no one could handle me like my husband.  Then i just stopped saying it, i dont remember when.  One day i remembered, said it, and instantly knew it was a lie when it left my lips.   \

Once on the tonight show, a couple was asked how they had stayed married for 50+ years.  The response was that neither of them had fallen out of love at the same time. 

My issue is that when i have been pushed out of love, i never seem to fall back in love. 

OCD

OCD is sometimes associated with above-average intelligence.  Its sufferers commonly share personality traits such as high attention to detail, avoidance of risk, careful planning, exaggerated sense of responsibility and a tendency to take time in making decisions.

I thought i would throw in the first part to make myself feel better.....

I am so scared to make the wrong decision that i often dont make a decision.  Even the smallest things such as ordering something at a restaraunt is difficult, so i usually always order the same thing.  I am known for it.