Saturday, November 24, 2012

the homeless guys

okay, so i now have this obsession with the "homeless" people who stand at the intersection by my store with their cardboard signs. 

i saw a new guy yesterday and he had 2 pieces of luggage with him, which makes perfect sense since he is homeless.......why don't the rest of the "homeless" people have luggage?  If they have somewhere to put their stuff, then they technically wouldn't be "homeless" would they?

today there was a guy in the median who was walking up and down with his sign.  I was thinking that this technique probably works better since most people are making a left hand turn and are forced to look at him while they are waiting for the light to change.

I always look at their clothing for some kind of indication that they don't have money to buy clothes, a home to wash them in, and their shoes should be worn out from having zero transportation. 

the signs are always written on brown cardboard with black marker, it must help to put something about god or being blessed, this seems to be a common denominator.  Stating something about being hungry must also be useful. 

i used to see a white truck dropping off an older guy, he really liked the northeast corner of the intersection and he usually had a mcdonalds bag on the ground next to him.......he probably should mark out the portion on his sign about being hungry

Thursday, November 22, 2012

not feeling very thankful

today is thanksgiving and i should be thankful, but all i am is tired and i didn't even have to cook

just about the time that i think i have released the grasp of depression, it tightens its grip.  I would love to blame it on school, work....but i really have nothing to give to any of it.

i was coming home from work the other day and there was a guy in a motorized wheelchair (that is a form of transportation around here) that was coming down the back side of the vi-dock.  He was eyeing a red hoodie that was in the spot that the guy with the cardboard sign usually resides.  I stopped at the stop sign and as i drove off i watched him pick up the hoodie, investigate it and throw it back on the ground.  I wasn't sure if he was checking the pockets for money.  I wondered what kind of expectations the man in the wheelchair had for a hoodie that was left on the corner??  It looked newer and he took the time to stop and inspect the piece of clothing.  I don't know, maybe red wasn't his color. 

i went and fed the animals today, Cher the bird didn't understand why she couldn't go to thanksgiving for in laws would have enjoyed that.  Walmart was open and the parking lot was packed like any other day.  The guy that claims to be a veteran was parked at the corner in his wheelchair with his cardboard sign.  I honestly thought of giving him money today or inviting him to lunch, but then decided that since he was homeless that he probably stunk or he was a serial i just drove on, plus the young kid on the corner was walking to him as if they knew each other.  The old man has the pathetic look down, but the kid with his cardboard sign just didn't look sad enough. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

state of my union

"depression and loneliness track me down....they come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Dectectives and they flank me--Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right.  They don't need to show me their badges.  I know these guys very well.  We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now......Then they frisk me.  They empty my pockets of any joy I have been carrying there.  Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which i dread because it always goes on for hours....He asks why i cant keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with every man I have ever been with.  He asks why I cant get my act together.  Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation.  I don't even bother eating; I don't want them watching me.  I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decided that he wants to.  "It's not fair for you to come here....I paid you off already." But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on the table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke.  Loneliness watches and sighs, climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself...He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."

this is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and probably the best description of depression that i have heard put into words. 

We all wear masks, we have the mask that we put on to go to the grocery store, to church, and even the one we take off to spend time with the people that we really trust. 

I feel as though i am the dancing chicken with everyone staring, waiting and watching for the performance.  Then when i come home, i am so exhausted from the depression that has taken over my life lately, i don't have anything else to give.  My house is a wreck, my animals begging for a minute, my husband asking me to just drag myself out of bed to go through a drive thru for dinner. 

The only thing that is making me motivate myself forward is the abundance of homework with looming deadlines.  The adrenaline giving me a spurt of energy to get the job completed.  I am hoping that i can squeak by this semester with a 4.0 even though i don't really deserve it so that i can make it on my the honor roll at NSU. 

The good news is that i have stopped the hemorrhaging of money that i had been spending and the pendulum has swung to the other side of now i hoard my money.  Only spending it on doctors visits and medicine. 

My weight is still at its highest, ice cream still being one of the staples of my diet, but at least now it is only when i have the energy to get out of bed to go out and buy it, because eating what is in the fridge seems like one of the seven deadly sins plus i would have to tackle the kitchen sink full of dishes. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

merry go round

women just want to heard, men want to fix problems

telling a woman that is expressing her feelings that she is having a fit is not a characteristic of displaying listening skills

what significant others fail to realize though is that if important needs aren't being met for a long enough period, the person will either fall into a depression (i live in this world already) or find another outlet for this need. 

I have always thought in order to have a good friend, you must be a good friend.  I have really sucked at that lately.  My bff had an epiphany, that her life was on an endless loop tape.  We had spent decades living like we were in our twenties, drinking and smoking without a care in the world (at least until the next day).  I met my husband and knew that i had someone else in my life to think of and had a responsibility to them to stick around.  I also saw someone whose body was failing them and he had no choice in the matter.  I had a healthy body and was determined to destroy it the best that i could.  It also helped that i watched my mother and what decades of smoking had taken from her.  My bff and I didn't spend as much time together, because my life was filled with school, church, work, and the gym.  Smoking and drinking didn't rule my weekends or weekdays for that matter.

A few months ago, she said that she had gone to a friends house for a thing with her bottle of wine in tow and thought to herself that this night was going to be like every other night for the past two decades and she wanted off the merry go round.  Her husband is a drinker, she knew that she would not be able to stop drinking with that kind of influence, so she told him she wanted a separation.  I haven't kept in great touch to help her through this, mainly because the depression has taken over my life and i have struggled to keep up with school.  I sent her a text last night asking what she was up to and she was going to an AA meeting.  I am so proud of her for "picking herself up by the bootstraps" as she would say. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

doomsday preppers

today i was watching doomsday preppers (cant help it, crazy people are very curious to me....which is why i probably find myself watching ancient aliens at time too).  There was a lady, a man, and their 6 year old daughter.  They were prepping because of a reoccurring dream that the wife kept having and about a disaster happening (if i made decision based on my, the thought just scares me).  Crazy people are well and good as long as they don't cause harm to others, but all i could think about was the child.  I grew up with someone who was paranoid, it is probably why i live on xanax for my anxiety and my doctor thinks that i have PTSD. 

Today i thought about my childhood.  I think that childhoods should be a carefree time, a time that a child feels safe, and taken care of.  I don't think that child feels safe.  I spent a few years in my life carefree, feeling safe, and taken care of.  I had someone there to make me breakfast, lunch, and no one noticing if i ate. 

This is why i always feel such an overwhelming since of responsibility for things and people.  I am always amazed at how people just check out of their lives when they are having issues.  I have so many people that depend on me that regardless of how low i am feeling, i HAVE to show up.  I have to put a smile on my face, and i have to make time for others (even when i want to tell them i don't give a f*ck).  I have become so conditioned to putting my needs last, which is why my life works out so well. 


yesterday i found out a friend died

he had just sent me a text on Thursday that said "get your ass up and go to work".  I was already on my way to work.  Devin usually sent me these texts in the early morning as he considered himself the "hardest worker".

I met Devin when i was looking for a stocker and had fired all of my management staff and had lost about a third of my regular staff.  Devin was an out of work welder with a can do attitude.  He had a voice like billy bob thorton on slingblade.  One day he was reciting the words to a rap song that he had heard and made us all laugh silly.  When i went to work at my new job, he would call and ask if his piranah food was in that i had ordered for him and if i wasn't there he would ask the poor associate what he was suppose to do, his fish were hungry. 

Devin was 45, he was such a good person and i will miss him. 

It makes me wonder what i was doing when he left this world.  I have been so tired this week, Aunt Flo is sucking the life out of me, i have had 6 exams, 2 tests, and accounting homework that just kicked my butt.  Was i on the phone with HR about my disobedient employee who thinks a mohawk is an appropriate hairstyle.  What, now meaningless task was i trying to accomplish while someone so special was taken from my world?