Friday, December 30, 2016

Therapy

I went to therapy today, by the time i got there my therapist asked if i had been crying all day.

I have internalized that spending Christmas alone and receiving no gifts into i am not special.

I have also taken blame for the Rodney situation. As in he is good and i am bad. I told my therapist that it is easier to take blame when the other person is gone. She said it was because I am a controlling person.

She said it must be tiresome the effort i put into connecting the dots to assign myself blame.

Yes, it is.

I am so tired of feeling sad and i don't know how not to anymore.

I am starting the self defeating behavior; drinking, spending money i don't have, and eating.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Dejavu

I read last night that symptoms of bipolar surface at the age of 18.

I remember my first huge depressive episode happened when i was a senior in high school.

I worry about sydni, the past year has been really hard on her. All of her friends have chosen drinking, guys, or other girls over her. I am sure that she is depressed. She doesn't dress up anymore. I worry more that next year her boyfriend will be gone and she will not have anyone at school to hang out with. I don't want sydni to have the senior year i had. I don't want her to have the life i had.

I feel as though my hands are tied. I was thinking of trying to reach out to her mom and trying to bring up the subject (which would have been a disaster i am sure) but her mother decided to take the day that joe and i had her to celebrate Christmas with her family without consulting joe.

It just breaks my heart to see her damaged. I don't want her to have my childhood.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Merry Christmas

We celebrated Christmas on thursday.
Friday came and i was so thankful that it was over.

I was going to send Rodney and Dana a Christmas card. My therapist thought it would be a good way to keep the lines of communication open. I told him i loved him and i was sorry when he sent the text for my birthday. I never received a response. I don't think there is anything more that i need or can do.

Joe had to work Christmas eve and Christmas day so i drank a few beers and enjoyed an empty house. I didn't even ask for anything for Christmas nor did i receive anything. I thought it was appropriate for the way i felt.

I am thankful that it is all over.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Therapy

I am feeling like the karate kid, wax on...wax off

I went to therapy and read my last blog. My concerns about not being able to form attachments to people or giving my husband what he wants and needs were missed and instead she focused on how judgemental i was. This being true but didn't seem to me to be the most important issue on the table.

I feel as though i walk away from her sessions more confused, judged, and off kilter than i should. I am thinking of seeing both therapists. Sometimes i need tough love but there are times i need someone who isn't watching the clock and is my soft place to land.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Funerals

Today i went to a funeral for a man a few years older than dad. Ironically, tomorrow is his birthday. I am sure that it was too close to home.

This man talked to his son daily, sometimes twice a day. I don't know what to think about this. I have never been that close with my family.  It makes me wonder if i even have the ability to be that close to anyone.

I see how my husband loves me no matter how crabby i am to him, no matter if i am unable or unwilling to give myself to him physically. I can't believe how he just continues to give. How he just loves me more.

I am not made that way. If you don't meet my needs, i pull back, not out of spite but out of protection for my own being.

Rodney would say that my mother would've felt that way.

It makes me angry that i allow him to live in my head, judge me, making me feel bad, while he is being mr perfect. I am still struggling with wanting to be understood by people who have no want nor need to understand me.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Short fuse

My fuse just keeps getting shorter.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday. Latuda it is. I am in desperate need of relief. The good news is that my boss came today with his doom or gloom, this usually would bring me to tears but i just agreed and went on with life. He walks around telling me how much work i have to do.....with no help. I will get right on that.

My irritation and anger are quick. It scares me at times.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Value

My therapist asked me if i thought i had value.

It's been 3 days since i have seen her and i am still trying to wrap my head around that one.

I think my value is what i can do for other people, what i can give to other people. She asked me if i had value as a human being.  I am thinking, my organs could be sold on the black market.

I don't understand this value thing. I am suppose to have value as a breathing human being. I am a child of God and he unconditionally loves me.

There it is. I don't believe i have value because i equate value to love, people love things they value.

I know that i could go off the rails, cheat, and my husband would instantly leave me. I have disowned/ been disowned by many people in my life. I know that relationships can be gone in a minute.

Intellectually i know this doesn't or shouldn't devalue me but emotionally i think if i had value these people wouldn't abandon me.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Mean girls

So sydni is being shunned by the means girls. I don't have a clue what to do for her but i feel so bad.

I try to do what i wished someone else would've done for me.

I opened my door and gave someone a door ding today. I felt bad (not bad enough to leave a note). I am subscribing Woodley"s theory of Christianity and karma. How many people left me a door ding and didn't say a thing, besides they were parked over the line and that is why i park in BFE!

Maybe boundaries means narcissism.

I was told my ex assistant was committed, his wife walked in and found him standing with a handful of pills in the bathroom. She packed him up and took him away. One of the girls said she saw him on thursday, he hadn't slept in 3 days and looked as if the blood had ran from his body.

Wow.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Blue pill

These are my three emotions; exhaustion, depression, and/or irritation.

I cooked lunch yesterday, ate, and went to bed. I am sure some of it was working 6 days this week, getting up early and cooking, and fighting this cold.

I asked my sister if her depression still got her like that, she said not since she got her meds right. I get so sad, thinking that i might always feel this way.

I want to go back in time and take the blue pill. I want to go back before i knew that life could be different, should be different.

Of course, everyone who works for me is scared that i am going to fall off the deep end and end it all. 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving and i am missing my mom.

I am thinking of Thanksgivings past. The family i was suppose to have with skippy. Oregon. All of the Thanksgivings that i had at my mother's. We would start cooking whenever watching Christmas Story as the day went by. I remember her trying to make ham gravy, it came out pink.

I have found myself talking to mom today, knowing she would be impressed that i have used a recipe and measuring spoons/cups.

I thought about sending Rodney a happy thanksgiving text but then decided that i just needed take my previous advice and shut up. It was probably a good thing because i hadn't heard from him either. A man that was married to my mother once.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Hey, hey jealousy

So.....i went and picked up my sister today. I saw my niece, great niece, niece, dad, and his wife.

We all survived.

Once again a woman who is jealous of my relationship with my father.

I had a friend call me today whom i had not talked to since the rodney debacle.

He said the issue was that my step mom was jealous of the relationship that rodney had with my mom therefore extending to me. 

I don't think that way. I think that i did something wrong. Something that i needed to explain away, which is why i kept talking when i needed to just shut up!

My poor sister has limited exposure. I think i have overwhelmed her with my constant talking. I am either full speed or broke down on the side of the road. We stopped at a store and i am excitedly talking to the clerk, my sister, myself and i walk off. Sister is overwhelmed. The clerk looks at my frazzled sister and states "that must be your sister......explains it all".

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The rebuild

"A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like a miserable failure. Sherrie's unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and overresponsibility to the core of the problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life."
Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

Spot on.

I look at myself as a problem solver, this is my job in life.

A friend of ours has a project where he has to analyze a relationship.  He picked us because i have a series of disastrous relationships and joe had only been married once before.

He asked us a series of questions. It was eye opening and i felt amazing as if i had a great therapy session. I rated myself as a 7 as a wife. I feel bad that being raped has kept me from being intimate as much as my husband would like. I have been extremely irritated lately.

I wasn't able to take the same days off as joe this week. I am home alone tonight. I took advantage of the time. I took a detox bath. I found some music on the satellite and took the time to read.

Joe called to check on me and this is most like me that i have felt in a really long time.

I am hoping that i have been torn down enough that God is rebuilding me.

Monday, November 7, 2016

I wish i were special

There was a post on pinterest about a link between depression and clutter. I am clutterless and it only seems to help my anxiety.

I am however irritated 24/7. I am sure my husband wants to slip me a roofie just so i will stop complaining.

Yesterday was a cluster. I took my foster dog to the store, my groomer recognized the dog as her ex's. It went downhill from there. He showed up and thought it would be cool to be a jerk to me. I get done with that and walk out to my ex assistant. I hear someone asking me how i was doing. I didn't answer because they were behind me. I turned around because i didn't hear the other cashier answer. I told him i wasn't trying to be rude, i didnt see him standing there, he said it was okay because i was busy.

I suppose he was coming to see the store before it closes down.  He told my manager's husband that we would close without him.

It reminded me of my sad time at depot. I really believed that store would close after i left (not just because of me but because of too much competition).

Just another time in my life when i realized i wasn't special.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Head like a hole

Thursday was tough.

I went to see my psychiatrist. I feel as though he doesn't get the grasp of my depression so i wore my pajamas. I didn't even brush my hair.

I have spent a lifetime with people who wouldn't or couldn't acknowledge my feelings. No one is better at that than i am. I put my mask on and tell people that i am fine because i live in the world of "the customer/employee doesn't care how you feel, just get them what they want or they will complain".

I cried on my way to tahlequah because my hands remind me of my mother's and i miss her.

The doctor asked me what i did and if i liked it "yes.......no, i really don't".

I was confused. How many animals do you have "2 cats, 3 dogs.......no, 3 cats".

All of the recent events have been overwhelming. I wanted to cut to relieve the pressure but didn't because i can't stand to see the look of fear in my husband's eyes.

I reached out to my sister. She wants me to go away and get help. I am too afraid that I am circling the drain and if i lose the only thing that forces me to get out of bed daily and focus on something other than my dysfunctions i will fall into a black hole and never be able to find my way out. I am scared i won't go back to work.

Last night, i had a feeding frenzy that scared me and made me want to puke so today i restricted myself to eating nothing.

I started with a snack of pepperoni and cheese until i had eaten almost the entire pack of pepperoni. Then i wanted something sweet, i ate half a tub of icing then i needed something to counteract the sugar so back to the pepperoni. I made a casserole and ate 2 helpings....i just wanted to purge. I am afraid that is a dangerous road i won't be able to refrain from.

I can get high on my food. Purge. Lose weight and feel some control. Win, win.

When can i get all of this blackness out of my soul and live life?

Bipolar and codependent

"If you understood it, then you would be it"
The Martha Project

This quote was about a child growing up with in a single parent home with a bipolar mother.

"Mental illness like bipolar is barely understood by professionals.  You may never understand why your parent is the way they are.
Why are they irrational.
Why are they so uncaring.
Why are they so unattached."

No one ever talked about my mother and her ways. I can only assume that she was bipolar based on things i have read.

One day Rodney's new wife took it upon herself to tell me that she thought my mother had been molested by her father. Why she thought it was appropriate to share this information with me i will never understand.

I have always worried about my inability to attach to people. I will cut people out of my life quickly. As my sister would say "that's one less person in the world you are talking to..". I have been concerned that i had a psychopathic inability to form bonds with people.

Butch had a low self esteem after mother left. He was determined to prove his worth by sleeping with any woman that suited his fancy.  i had desperately wanted and needed a mother figure in my life, so i welcomed these women into our life. Butch was happier when he had someone, i had become so codependent with him that it made me happier too. This might explain my failure to be autonomous.

My therapist told me that having a revolving door of people through my life when i was younger made me unwilling to establish relationships as i got older. Life had taught me that people were temporary.

Butch wasn't in the greatest state of mind so he didn't attract or choose the most stable people. Most were students, some were married, and
they were mostly young. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Invalidation

I am the person who sucks the life out of you.

I went to therapy and we talked about how to set boundaries. How to keep the Dustin situation from happening again. How to dump people's crap back in their own lap.

"How do you feel about that?"
"What is your plan?"
"How are you going to handle that situation?"

I hate it when i feel as though i have been treated unjustly and this is someone's response.
I want people to get upset when i have been done wrong.

I didn't get it as a child so i want people to stand up for me now. The problem is that i am a child in an adults body. No one fights battles for people who seem able bodied.

I wish i had a visible infliction, maybe my neediness wouldn't seem so unrealistic and pathetic.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Epiphany

I go to the chiropractor 3 times a week. He puts me on a table afterwards that has the rollers. I lay there for 15 minutes. It has become my new meditation time.

I realized that i am not emotionally responsible for people. I cannot be held responsible for the way people feel about me.

When my mother left, i felt emotionally responsible for butch. Then i was left for with angry butch. I shut down when faced with angry people. My assistant left. I felt emotionally responsible for him and had become numb in the shadow of his anger. I was trying to be the cool girlfriend, not make waves, make everything better. Here is the problem with unhappy people, you will never be able to give enough to make them happy.

Usually, i would replay the "i am like kim, bobbi, and everyone else....i don't want to work for you" over in my mind FOREVER but it is the bottomless pit, no matter what i gave. It was never good enough, it never would have been, so now he will go on to work for another boss, another company and they will be the evil one.

I have spent my whole life trying to be everything to everyone, trying to be the problem solver.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Toxic

I am drowning today.

I feel as though i am toxic and should come with a warning sign. I know that i can't make everyone happy all of the time but i feel as though people shouldn't even get involved with me because i will just let them down and they will hate me.

I just see no relief in my future. I am on my third set of doctors and i am back to my first diagnosis. I still don't feel any better and as my sister says i am running out of people who i talk to. I feel lonely with no one really left to love me. Maybe i wasn't meant to be loved, i didnt learn that skill in my childhood.

Everything just seems so difficult. I think to myself that things shouldn't be this hard. It never seems to get easier.

I want to shrivel up and blow away.  My mother is gone and there is only heartache left for me here.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Replay

Today is Sunday. Syd just left. I remember always hating Sundays when i was a kid. They were so depressing. Butch was sometimes home. I lived in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and i was sometimes being shuffled from one place to the next.

Today is my only day off this week. My manager told me that he didn't want to work for me. I didn't see much of a reason for a conversation after that.

I don't know how to not replay that over and over and over again in my head.

One of my employees sent me this
"Note to self:
You can't control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do our say gets filtered through the lens of whatever personal shit they are going through at the moment. Which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much love and integrity and love as possible."

I am not sure i have read anything more spot on than this.

I am just tired. I feel as though everything is falling down around me and i don't think i have the energy to pick it up again. I have a rat in the store, at least one mouse, and so many spiders that there are webs everywhere. Plano grams are stacked inches thick. I am drowning.

The need to cut to relieve some pressure is growing. I promised my husband i wouldn't do that again. The fear in his eyes is more than i can take so hopefully i can make it to see my therapist next week.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Boundaries

One of my managers sent me a text today wanting to know if he needed to give hoods notice to me or to my boss.

I told him i needed a letter of resignation, signed, and left for me.

I didn't call him. I dislike being held hostage by my employees. I really feel as though i have been held hostage by his leaving since he went from salary to hourly.

He called me and told me i could fix this, he didn't want to leave, he loves his job, and he has no where to go. All i could think of is how much he complains for someone who loves his job.

Apparently, i don't care. When i say "it is what it is". I tell him that when i am tired of listening to him complain. I can't give him more hours. I just have to work more.

He told me that he was leaving his keys so i was working on finding people to cover then it was he would work out the rest of the week. He would talk to me tomorrow.

I am exhausted from feeling as though i am emotionally responsible for his feelings.

Boundaries, another life skill that would be helpful for me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Mulligan

Yesterday we took a road trip and went to hot springs. I felt like it was my mulligan. The chance to go to a great place with a great man and have a great time and we did.

We went to the gangster museum, the amazing Italian restaurant, and visited the same hotel. We went to a brewery, people watched for awhile then headed to the hotel bar. I walked in and there was a guy with a guitar playing the bob dylan song that we used the music for amazing grace for mother's funeral. Joe was talking to one of the guys that worked at the bar, he is from sheboygan. I told joe that I had felt mother all day.

In the 70s the cards that were watercolor on handmade paper were popular. I am sure there are some in the "men in my life" packets that my mother left me. We stopped at a gas station to use the restroom and on our way out i saw a display of these watercolor, handmade paper calendars. The display was turned to a calendar "for a daughter from a mother with love". I asked joe to get it for me, he thought it was for syd. No. I told him it was for me. I felt as though it was my mother's way of telling me she loved me.

Workbook

I started a workbook on healing.

One of the questions was "have you ever felt safe?"

The short answer is no.

I did some brainstorming and decided that safe had four categories. Financial, physical, emotional, and job security.

Financial. Comfortable retirement, emergency savings, and a cash cushion in our budget.

Emotional. Acknowledged, accepted, loved, cared for, soft place to land, secrets not exposed or used against me, be able to trust others motives, and not feel vulnerable.

Job security. Feel as though i am not set up for failure, easily turned against, feel as though people had my back, trust other's motives, and not feel vulnerable.

Physical.
This was difficult because my fears are that my house will burn down and i would lose everything. Kidnapped. Raped. Killed. Die in a car crash.
I ended up with trust other's motives and not feel vulnerable.

Safe would feel warm, calm, peaceful, not scared of the future, have a sense that everything will be okay, and the future will hold good.

I just wrote down everything that came to mind.

I thought about this on the way home. I think i have always been aware of money issues.

My parents wanted to raise me to be independent. I think they ended up robbing me of my childhood.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Failing

A"It's 4am, i must be lonely"

I was unable to sleep this morning even though i am exhausted. I was struck with this fear that i was going to stop breathing. I was sure that the next breath wouldn't come, that i was suddenly going to unlearn how to inhale. My chest seems to have forgotten how to expand today.

I think it is a combination of disappointing someone yet again, the fact that i am failing at work, and i feel that nothing is true in my world. I am unsure of what tomorrow will bring, i almost fear it, knowing with certainty that it will be hurtful and unpleasant.

I am so exhausted, i don't know that i will make it through the day. The real problem is that i have no clue where to go for relief. I used to drink and smoke myself into oblivion but i can't deal with the hangovers anymore. Shopping no longer brings me the joy that it once did and my poor feet can't carry anymore weight, so eating isn't an option.

I wish i knew what it felt like to wake up in the morning and be excited for what the day brought.

I think this would all be easier if i could have my nervous breakdown like a normal person. No, i have to be the over achiever, put on my mask and let my mind fall apart all the while keeping up appearances. Unfortunately i am failing at this too.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Disappointed

I was suppose to go see my sister this weekend. I was looking forward to the time away but apparently it wasn't meant to be.

I went to see a chiropractor Monday. He took x-rays and my pelvis is tilted (which might explain why my hip hurts) my spine is twisted and crooked. My right leg is shorter than my left. I was surprised when he was immediately able to point to my shoulder blades that have hurt for years and my sciatic that has been burning. I went Tuesday for the results of my x ray and he adjusted my back/hips/neck 3 times this week. My sciatica has eased some which is so nice.  I knew that i had limited movement in my neck but i realize now that my left side is so much more limited than my right.

I saw my therapist yesterday. It is nice to get immediate feedback and not feel as though i am throwing money at someone to just sit and stare at me.

I wasn't looking forward to seeing butch's wife. I am still confused as to why they felt the need to make me a pawn in their game with my grandma's house. I will never understand why the whole thing happened. My sister thinks Claudia will corner me and try to exonerate herself. I wish people could just own their stuff.

Rodney finally sent me a birthday text. They are "on our way to the calli coast on vacation". I told him i was sorry and that i loved him. I still haven't received a response.

I have to just let go of trying to understand why people do the things that they do.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Birthday:(

I survived the day.

I went to work at 6, threw some freight (back is killing me). I wrote the schedule, did the animal po, got the children ready for an animal walk, and finally got home at 12.

On our way to get sydni, her step dad called joe to tell him that she was tired of coming to our house for just one night. My heart broke for joe. I couldn't help but feel responsible. I was the reason he moved 30 minutes away. I was the reason he was missing time with his little girl. To make it all worse, he had to hear this from the man his wife cheated on him with.

Joe started asking sydni if she was tired of us and other questions. I couldn't handle it so i sent her a text telling her what her step dad had done. I apologized for making her move away. Her teenage reply was, i felt that way last week but not this week.

So she stayed with her mom last night. Today she is going with her friends and will stay the night with her bff. Tomorrow we are taking her to the fair. Joe has lost 2 days of his 7 days off with her :(. I told him that she should just stay here tonight but he doesn't want to be like her mother. I feel like he loses time and the connection because he is too easy going.

This reminds me of why i didn't have children.

My birthday came and went without a sound from Rodney. I knew in my heart that he had written me off but i still had hope. It still saddens me that our relationship has been destroyed because he is unable to see why i was hurt that his barber knew he was going to get married before me.

I feel as though i am paying for my mother's sins and for her step daughter's sins. I can't help but feel that most of the message she sent me was misdirected anger. I know there is nothing that i can say or do that will make either of them change their view of me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Birthday bad luck

Tomorrow is national coffee day.

Who do you contact to get a national blah, blah, blah day? Do you just announce it? It isn't like people have real calendars anymore. In the past you would reference hallmark for something like that but now i don't think there is a calendar official. Maybe you just declare it and send an email.

I think i will declare tomorrow national "don't be an asshat and ruin my birthday" day. I will send my boss an email.

This will fix all of my birthday bad luck.

I don't really have anyone's email anymore and since this is so last minute, i will just make a Facebook notification.

Birthdays and beer

Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't think i have had a good birthday since i turned 30.

I had a boyfriend tell me to shut the F up on my birthday. I had such a horrible customer that she made me cry. I had a rep there that day, every time i saw him after that day, he always looked at me like i was emotionally unstable and to approach with caution.

Everyone forgot my 16th birthday. I was literally Sam in 16 candles except there was no wedding or cute guy with a Porsche.

My poor husband. I told him he needed to call JCPenny the other day because i received an email with a bill. There was no way we could have a bill, i cut up that credit card with many others long ago. He spilled the beans, he bought my birthday gift. I asked him how he thought he was going to hide that from me since i pay the bills. He checks the mail, this is his job in life. He was going to get the bill before i saw it....he forgets that his wife is a tree hugger and receives paperless statements. Then the other day i asked him what he bought at best buy. He told me to stop snooping. I have at least 2 different links to our checking account on my phone.....how does he think he is going to hide this from me?

I will probably have to work. My plan is to get in early and get out early. My boss will probably show up on Friday, have a fit that i still have freight on the floor but he can get glad in the same pants he got mad in...

I started listening to NPR again. Budweiser bought out Miller for 100+ billion. It is the biggest acquisition ever. There was a bunch more to the story but what i found interesting is that apparently Africa is a growing beer drinking market. Joe said that it's probably because it is cleaner than their water.

This made me wonder; have Americans changed to liquor, stopped drinking, or just switched to heroine. This would explain all the crackheads.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Old/new diagnosis

I went and saw my psychiatrist today.

He put me on ADD medication because i struggle with concentration. I didn't tell him that my therapist thinks i am bipolar. I've only seen her twice. I figure i will humor him and take my sample pack. I have felt this way my whole life so one more month isn't really going to matter.

Everyone keeps asking me what i do for fun. What's that? He asks if i read, used to but struggle with concentration. Is there a TV show that i like to watch. I watch TV until i can fall asleep.

Joe asked me how my dr appointment went. I told him that he thinks i have ADD. He asked me what i thought. I don't know what to think. I try and go to these appointments with an open mind. I try to talk less and listen more. I keep wondering when they will get the recipe right.

I am frustrated. I don't know how people are suppose to feel. I wish i had the words to describe why i am bitchy and irritated. This is the only way i know to feel.

I became jealous of someone on whisper who posted that they can name every feeling they feel. I only know sad and irritated.

I think i may die before i can live life without all of these emotional upheavals.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Too much

"My need to be loved was like Chinese food. An hour later and i needed to hear it again."
Karla Dougherty

Joe used to ask me all of the time if he told me too much that he loved me. I thought it was an insane question. What person can hear "i love you" too much? Then i remembered the people from my past who thought i was too much.

Joe stopped asking that after awhile. I don't believe that someone can fill the holes but i do believe the right person can help fill the gaps.

I have calmed his insecurities and he has become my soft spot to land.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Surreal lyrics

"Everybody needs a little time away," I heard her say, "from each other."
"Even lover's need a holiday far away from each other." Chicago

I heard this song tonight.

I remember hearing it in the 80's when my parents were divorcing. I thought maybe these lyrics were the answer to my father's heartache.

Of course i didn't know about his constant infidelity. I only knew that i felt his sadness to the core of my soul and wanted it to go away. He was my world and i wanted him to be okay.

I think that my mother was the first and only woman that had ever left him. The only woman that wasn't willing to put up with his bad behavior to just be with him. I think that was a very rude awakening for him.

Checking out

So, Monday sydni was suppose to take her driving test. I have left this to her and her father, thinking that it was important and they wouldn't miss a step.

It is another case of either learn how to read or listen. We have chosen to parent teach driver's education.  You have to log the hours she drives, nighttime and daytime. She had to take a test, send it in, wait for her results then go take her written test before she could get her permit.

She practiced parallel parking sunday night. Joe and her got up early monday morning.  They didn't have all of their stuff then come to find out she has to take another written test before she can take her driving test.

I just feel as though i let her down. I feel as though i have disappointed so many people in my life. I just don't want her to be one more person. 

I apologized. She said it was no big deal. I told her it was and i knew it was important to her.

I know her mother will just use this situation to call her dad a dumbass and that will be one more thing that sydni will carry around with her. I hate the damage that i see being done. I can't stand that her mother thinks it's all a competition. I just stopped competiting. She walked in front of me at the game tonight.  I just looked right through her, there is no need to acknowledge her silly games.

Now i know why she is always so checked out.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

9.11.01

9.11.01

Fifteen years ago today.

I was very somber today.

I remember calling my mother, she was at lunch at a place that is no longer in business with a friend who died years ago. She asked me if i was okay.

I sometimes think i don't even know the meaning of the word okay.

I can only recall 2 occasions when my mother was panicked. Once i was attacked by a dog and we were going to the emergency room. The other Rodney had been in a car wreck.

I really do miss her.

I wished that Rodney would have left years ago like his new wife says that he wanted to but couldn't because mother had gotten sick.

I could've seen him for the person he truly was and is. I could have stopped wasting time on another man who was unable to give to someone else, especially me.

Mother and i would've been forced to figure it out. He wouldn't have been allowed to see her lose her dignity.

Maybe i could've learned to not fear her, the venom she could spew.

Maybe i would've ended up exactly like him and i would just be angrier.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Stop the bleeding

It's not so much the disconnects in our life....it is the lack of repair afterwards......it's the lack of connection after the abuse happens.

I have had my feelings minimized for so long that i even discount my pain. "Get over it", "it wasn't that important", it was just a guy that your mother was married to.

It is the only way i know to stop feeling the pain, to stop the bleeding.

Shutting down

My mind is swirling.

I woke up this morning to joe rubbing the foster dog's nose in poo. I can't help but think of the narcissist and when he flipped out on his dog because he chewed a phone cord. He was so angry, he threw the dog through a sliding glass window after he wrapped the cord around the dog's neck. I am blown away by my ability to accept bad behavior.

It is unsettling to me.

I am letting go of the step mom/step dad relationship. It has caused me more heartache than i need and deserve. The reality is that he was married to my mother, she is dead and now there is nothing to bond us anymore. I never would have thought that he would've been gone from my life with her but things change and i need to accept the truth. I just keep telling my heart that he was just my step dad and the message from my step mom was abundantly clear that i need to just get over it.

I am concerned about closing another door to my heart. I become concerned that one day there will be nothing more of my heart to give. I don't want to be shut off from the world with nothing more to give and nothing to accept.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

It's all relative

Woke up to the too familiar smell of crap..... the new foster dog isn't working our well.

I have been up since 3am. My stomach is churning. My feet have stopped swelling but they hurt. I wore my boots today hoping that would help and then iced both ankles when i got home to ease the pain.

I wonder if i ever really had it all together.

I came into the living room so joe could sleep. My entourage decided to keep me company so i now have a 110lb rottie sleeping on me. It reminds me they need a bath.

The last year has been such a blur. I have really wondered at times if i have had a breakdown. Apparently to be considered a "real" breakdown, lack of hygiene must be involved.

Unfortunately, i have bills to pay so i must go to work. I can't say that i have been particularly effective at my job but i did at least take a shower and show up....considerably late most of the time but there none the less.

I always thought that given a year i could get over most anything. Oregon taught me different, that summer started a chain of events that truly changed my being.

I often wonder if the storm is over or if the water has just receded long enough to gain momentum for the next huge wave.

I have experienced unrelenting pain. I can't say that i have developed better coping skills. Beyond my husband and daughter, i have had to let go of any meaningful relationship due to it's damage on my well being.

I've had to put it all into perspective.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Letting go

Yesterday i kneeled down on my bathroom floor and cried out to God to wrap his arms around me and hold me with his love. To make this pain go away.

My lesson is that God is the only one i can count on. I am 43, i have spent my whole life wanting my parents to have my back, make me feel emotionally safe, and be a safe place to land. That isn't going to happen.

The real work is realizing that i can't be thin enough, good enough, pretty enough, successful enough for this to happen.

My mother loved a good narcissist. I went out and found those qualities in men and they still haunt me.

I am thankful that joe is changing shifts soon and i will have the holidays to myself. I won't have to put on my mask and act as if it is all okay. I won't have to be Martha Stewart. I won't have to try and piece together these people who don't respect  my feelings for some kind of dysfunctional norman Rockwell painting.

I just have to stop asking why.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

4 years and i still hurt

Aug 17, 2012

I flew home sick. I was stranded in detroit. I barely found a hotel because there was a convention. Skippy couldn't help me because he was too busy playing his game.

2012, the year i hit the wall.

I am not sure that this year has been much better.

My step mom wants me to sit down and have a talk with my step dad. Part of me is like why not, can i really hurt anymore than i already have? Let's rip that band aide off and just get it over with.

I laid here last night and just prayed to God to take my pain away and fill me with him.

I am appreciative for the message because i know how they view me and what they think of me and what preconceived impressions they have.

Once again. I wonder why if this is important to him then why is she in the middle. I told her that i am not interested in right fighting. I just want him to acknowledge my feelings, not discount them, and that i am important to him. I feel like i am expendable to him. Pretty much like i am to everyone else.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Just keeps getting better

It just keeps getting better. This is the message i received from my step mom.

You are right, it is NOT my issue.
We chose how we wanted to be married. We are adults. You knew last year that we would eventually marry way before anyone. We didnt want any wedding, reception or fuss otherwise. The only person that made an issue out of it is YOU. So what he didnt consider your feelings. You have never considered his when calling him old and crotchity when he would offer any opinion or advice. 
That always hurt his feelings but he didn't cry over it or get on facebook and bash you. He continued to love you as the only daughter he has ever had in his life. His love doesn't put another loved ones sins, failures or misgivings out to air in public. Just as he didn't air anything about your mother to people to try and destroy the image of what others thought of her. He may be unfiltered at times but running smeer campaigns on family members is not on his agenda.
I have tried to stay out of it and have held my tongue many times because I have seen how you twist words around, hold grudges and use the other parties words to bash them with and to further agonize over to the point of cutting yourself.
Case in point, had you not made a big ordeal over him "not considering your feelings" and rolled with the fact that we married and did it our way with no fan fare, traditional ceremony or reception, and just let it go then life would be as it was before you chose to be offended. YOU chose to be offended. YOU are holding the grudge. YOU are the one who wont let it go, forgive and forget. YOU are the one agonizing over it.

I'm glad all the rest of our family and friends aren''t agonizing over our marriage like you have chosen to do.
I'm not telling you all this to hurt you. I'm telling you what I've kept from telling you from the start. I would shake you and look you in the eye right now and tell you to GET OVER IT ,If I thought it would do any good but I know it wont. You are bent on having something to agonize over so that you have an excuse, a crutch, to continue on in the manner that has worked for you. Im not trying to be insensitive. Im not trying to harm you. I just want you to GET OVER IT. If you cant and or wont than what you have chosen continues.

I wish had never shared that we wanted to go to Hawaii to marry...just me and Rodney. You felt that Rodney needed to "dig up some of that blood money" to pay for you guys to go with us for a "family vacation". For one, we had not even saved up the money for ourselves to go. Then I decided we wouldnt do that so as to not hurt your feelings to which Rodney let me know that no matter how or what, what ever plan we made together in sealing our commitment to each other, YOU would find a way to be upset with him, me or just anything because you are like Roberta in that respect. I dont know that but Rodney knows and he was right.
YOU JUST WONT LET IT GO.
Now I ask, how is that working for you? We dont like the fact that you resort to cutting yourself, for only you and God knows why, just to "feel something". To get attention is why people do that as a cry for help. I know you are getting help so is the counseling not working??
You know, no one can tell you these things because you wont listen. You have selective hearing just as you have selective texting. You text people when you want answers and then when you dont want to hear what they have to say you respond hours later or even days later and brag on facebook about the fact that you dont treat others the way you like to be treated.Not the exact words but you know what I mean. I call that rude and narcissistic.
So now you can get on with tearing me down, running me down like you have wanted to do and as Rodney predicted you would do.
You will do and say anything to justify why you think you are right. No one will ever convince you otherwise. You probably wont even read this all the way to this point because the truth hurts. You will stew over what ever you like and justify that because it works for you. That is my saying when I see and know of folks who do the same stupid stuff over and over and over and over again again and look up from the bottom of the holes they dug for themselves and cry, why me? Then blame the system or other people for their problems instead of looking inside of themselves and say, what can I do to change this? How can I do this differently? When one repeats the behavior that gets them in the hole continuosly it causes me to say, how is that working for you?
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! DO A LOT OF THINGS DIFFERENT! START BY FORGIVING...

I will not be posting this on facebook. Posting petty crap like this on facebook serves only to hurt people and I have never sought to hurt you or Joe. NEVER.

My response
I wasn't looking for blood money. My point about being broke was that i wished that he had been enough of a part of my life to know my struggle. The guy that cut rodney hair knew he was going to hot springs to get married before i did. Instead of just saying he was sorry, he told me i was being silly. You 2 meant something to me and i was desperately trying to be a part of your life. I felt as though you were the only one that was putting fourth the effort.

Everything i put on Facebook isn't because of you guys. I have had a lot of other issues this year.

I only sent you the message about my feet because you are the only person i know that takes supplements. I assumed i had some bad info about the supplements i was talking and was wondering if you could instantly spot the issue. I didn't have an agenda but i was appreciative of you checking on me. I hope i expressed that to you.

I need to apologize the day i showed up at your shop to talk about the edge. I said something about being aware of how people treat other people because one day you will become other people because of my history with matt. I wasn't trying to bash rodney. I was sincere when i told you i hoped he never made you feel the way i felt.

I am sorry i have become toxic. I feel as if i have no one and apparently this is my fault.

I felt as though i had to gone from 100 to zero with rodney. I didn't need to be the number one priority but he just stopped talking to me and the only communication i got was from you. The night you told me you guys were getting married. I just thought it was another situation that you were put in the middle.

Which is why i said something to him. Then he just kept saying "everyone will find out at the same time". He was very important to me, i always wanted to share my life with him but i didn't feel as though that wasnt as important to him. I have hurt feelings.

I know things change. When he told me that house wasn't my home and never was. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from underneath me.

I am so happy that you 2 have each other and that you are so happy. I just felt as though there was no space left for me. I kept telling him how important a relationship with him was to me but i didn't feel the same from him.

I never wanted to bash you. I felt as though you were the last link i had to rodney. I have always been appreciative of everything you did. I am sorry if you

WOW. I am apparently a very vindictive person. I am sure that it seemed that way when i said something about the money (which was poorly expressed and was hopefully cleared up).

I now know how rodney really sees me and i am saddened. I can't make people change their mind but hopefully i rose above the situation. I know that there isn't a thing that i can say that will change their mind but i at least want to express my gratitude for all that she has done.

I wish people could live in my head and know what it is like to feel all of this sadness. I wasn't trying to be the spiked brat that i came off as, i was just so hurt because i felt cast aside. This i apologize for.

Right fighter

So. I am a right fighter.

I don't want to always be right but i want people to know that i know they are shady. I have long given up on people apologizing or doing the right thing once they have proven they are incapable of either.

My sister's father wife called me a month ago wanting to give me, my sister, and brother a 1/3 of their share of my grandmother's house. *eye roll* Then they decided that i had never been a financial drain to them that they would give me and me only the house. Apparently they never clued my brother or sister in on this.

They stalked me for about 2 weeks about this house. I can't even make basic life decisions and they must have an answer yesterday. Something kept telling me something was up, they've never given me a thing. "Baby, we are giving you something now".

I wanted to be selfish, i could use the money. I felt God laid on my heart what i needed you do and apparently it didn't fall in line with their  agenda. She gave it to her son.

I called them today. I wanted to hear what their side of the story was......claudia answered the phone.

The son had a medical bill he was being sued for, his teeth needed 10k of work, he doesn't have a house....he was abducted by aliens, the story kept changing.

I flipped, i have a house. No one gave me one. Why? Because i worked my ass off for it, because i couldn't depend on anyone else to do shit for me.

She didn't want my aunt or uncle to have the money. I wanted to make sure my uncle felt secure and i knew my aunt would take care of me and my siblings. Claudia wanted to know how i knew this would happen......was Rick going to take care of my brother and sister because for some reason this selfish woman thinks my brother and sister will be rolling in the dough the rest of their life (they are on social security).

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience" mark twain

I swear i feel my IQ dropping every second i hear that lady talking.

It finally ended up with me telling her that they wouldn't notice if i fell off the face of the earth and to leave me out of their games . They had never done anything for me before now so don't act as if they want time start now because she will always make sure her and her own are taken care of and screw the rest of us.

I am 43, yearning, begging for someone in my family to step up and put my needs first for once.

This is the ultimate definition of insanity.

Failing

Ugh, so i went to the doctor today

She looked at my feet, agreed they were swollen, gave me a diuretic and a potassium pill. So now i drink 90 oz of water to try and flush my system of toxins and take a water pill.

So, i really have no answers. Stop taking everything i was taking and come back in two weeks.

I just feel so downtrodden.

I had an employee call me.....at 4pm on a Friday about her paycheck. She hung up on me because i can't do a thing about it. It's my fault because i can't keep crap together.

Joe received me an email that our phones were going to be cut off because i forgot to pay the bill.

I feel as though i am failing at this adulting thing!

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Leaving on a jet plane....not

My legs/feet have been swollen for two weeks..

Of course i am traveling. It seems as though i usually come home sick this time of the year. Unlike most of my people, my allergies agreed more with Boston. They aren't happy we are in charlotte and i know they won't be happy when we get home.

I now wonder if i am going to be stuck in charlotte for the evening. My flight is delayed 2 hours, no crew. I won't be lucky enough to stay in a hotel though. I will be like other people, make a pallet on the floor, sleep, and hope for an early flight.

I have to get to the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping for new blood work and what I am really hoping for is an answer.

The airport is always a people watching jackpot though.

I have switched gates 3 times since i have arrived. My last gate, there was a little Chinese couple that couldn't speak English trying to fly standby. A crew member waiting for a jump seat trying to soothe a pretty girl. Finally the gate attendant asked him if he was going to get on the plane. Of course she was a one woman show, scanning boarding passes, calling for all passengers, trying to seat standby, and the phone starts to ring.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

New agenda

2016 has taught me to lower my expectations of people.

I had an ironic thought the other day. Two years ago i was so scared that Rodney would move off and leave me. Now we live in the same town and never talk. I am sure that he didn't want me to remember his last words to me as ".....you need to find jesus", "i can't help you", and look who ended up with the mental issues, but actions speak louder than words. I cannot think of an acceptable excuse of why you would not go to someone who just told you they are so sad that they are cutting themselves.

I now know any my therapist told me that i had to find love inside myself because there is no parental unit that i have that is able to show up for me.

I am over here trying to decide whether or not to buy a 2017 calendar because i don't know if i will be around to use it and the other part of my family is using me as their pawn in their game of revenge.

I saw a meme once that said something about people no longer need you when you fail to fit their agenda. I think i am going to only have enough space in my life for people who fit my agenda; "do the right thing", know how to put yourself in someone else's shoes, be able to see past the tip of your nose, and be able to put someone else's needs before your own sometimes.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Lazy sunday.

Joe is procrastinating mowing the yard. I don't blame him, the AC has been working overtime. I am sure it is a scorcher outside.

We are all hanging out in the living room. I am waiting for my ipad to boot up so i can read my book about a crazy woman in an institution. Syd  is on her phone, probably with her girlfriend, and joe is watching a movie.

It is a shoot em up movie. A stand off between 2 men, neither wants to die. It makes me wonder why people are afraid to die. It is fear of the unknown. You can't tell me this world is all that great.

Maybe i should find some x and see what it feels like for everything to feel amazing.

I already know what it feels like for everything to feel like nothing.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

I am a disposable person

I know that i take chances on people. I root for the underdog. I get disappointed a lot. I feel taken advantage of, used, and then people trash me as they walk away.

I like to give people chances. Someone gave me a chance.

My emotions are all over the place again.


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Fully staffed

"I used to walk into a room and wonder if people liked me.....now i look around and wonder if i like them"

I now know what this means.

I went to joe's parent's house this week. His step mom isn't very warm. I suppose i am not very open.

I felt as though i was sleeping with the enemy. Mandy goes and sees them even when she doesn't have sydni.

As with everything that has to do with mandy, she feels the need to compete. I am not sure what she thinks the prize is or if she has noticed that i am no longer in the race.

I used to try so hard, wanting people to like me. I know joe really wanted us to get along.

I am not currently accepting applications for people to hurt and disappoint me. I believe i am fully staffed.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

New shoes feel good

Thank goodness today starts a 10 day vacation.

I am 100% on my new medication today. Instead of 6 pills and 3 vitamins. I take 1 to 2 pills and 5 vitamins. Apparently being vitamin d deficient will make you crazy.

Yesterday was interesting. I felt as if my i was in one of my employees shoe's. I had to go in and do a formal discussion on a program that my people just can't seem to get right.

My assistant was upset that his freight wasn't worked. I took all of my paperwork and dumped it in his lap, had a breakdown, and went to grooming to have my cry.

The deal has been that i do the operational stuff and he does the floor stuff. I gave him the schedule, store use order, and left all of the purchase orders to be keyed. I left the out of date and stolen to be keyed and the items that seem to sit around forever with no tags.

I then sent an email last night that success, opportunities, and conversion stories need to be sent to different people. There is a list on the board. Sunday, do payroll and update the brand board in the back. Monday, cookie order. Tuesday, random price audit. Thursday, animal order...don't pencil whip it. Talk to all people who haven't sold a dog training class. If you have any questions call Eastham or Bien. I will go put up freight.

Honestly, i think it is the best thing that could've happened. I get to take off 10 days. I don't help out on the salesfloor, okay, here is all of the stuff that needs to be done daily. You want it, great. See you week after next, let me know how it all works out.

Don't forget, no one went to get fives or vegetables for the animals.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Good day

My definition of a good day these is days is not getting committed.

Joe got off work this morning. We took a shower and off to tahlequah we went. I somehow spilled water all over my crotch and looked as though i have urinated all over myself. After my last trip to the doctor. I wasn't concerned about being on time or much else. I assumed being "worked in" for an appointment was pretty much like stand by and i wasn't very hopeful.

We were called back before i even finished our paperwork. The nurse did the usual, took blood pressure, checked my pulse. We sat until we were called to his office. The doctor immediately made me feel at ease. He listened, asked questions, brought up things that were mentioned before. He is weaning me off my meds and putting me back on what i had originally taken.

On the way home, i called the vet and made an appointment to have paisely put to sleep. Joe had to put her in the back of the car. She was wearing her pink collar. I don't really remember walking into the room.  Doc gave her a sedative, i didnt realize how long it had been since i had heard her breathe normally. She tried to sit down, her legs trembled as they usually do. I helped her sit. I kept her head in my hands and face on her forehead, her head became heavy so  I laid her head on joe's shoe. Risch came in and put her on the table. He shaved her front leg, injected her. It didn't take her long to be gone. I kissed her head and walked to the front desk, everyone was quiet. I paid the bill. Joe and i walked out the front door. I hugged him so tightly and cried.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Lunch box conundrum

I do not understand when you call someone and you know your number is in their phone but they answer as if you are a total stranger.

My boss used to do this. I then felt the need to explain who i was and where i was calling from. I am an effective communicator. I have a plan when i speak which is an obstacle when i am in therapy.

I love it when someone calls and has not a clue why they are calling. I want to tell them to get their thoughts together and call me back.

My husband is the worst. I know i am deaf, blind  and forgetful. He sends me a text and will call me to tell me what the text said. I dislike talking on the phone as my sister likes to points out (eye roll).

It is not unusual for me to have several missed calls and unanswered text messages. I am also bad about deleting text messages when i know it is just the usual drama/excuses.

It's another one of my double standards. I can be late for work but become highly irritated when other people are late.

Which reminds me, i was early this morning. Hair curled (i always think of the curly red hair girl on peanuts), lunch (which i forgot to eat), breakfast and my beloved diet dp ($1 any size). I was excited to enjoy my breakfast and fountain drink. 6 feet away from the car i dropped my diet dp and it exploded like last year's pumpkin. I just walked on, devastated. I carry my huge bag with 40 oz if water. A lunch box with my beloved pb&j, ice pack, and another water because it must be cold. I really need to find a bigger lunch box....it's the goldilocks conundrum.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Needing relief

The rest of the story.

I decided to come home go back to bed and start the day again.

This time i wanted to feel the pain, physical pain, i wanted to feel something other than sadness. There was no one's attention to be had. I want to have the physical wounds to match the internal wounds.

This time i ended up in minor emergency, 6 stitches. People asked what i did, i cut myself. Deedee told me they would try to commit me, no. I think they were too busy or maybe i don't look like a crazy person. She couldn't believe that i was able to leave by myself. Issue is, who would i call. Joe was at work. I suppose i could've picked a random number in my phone for someone to come and pick me up.

Deedee found a place that offered yoga and paddle boarding. It is now her mission to find somewhere for me to take a break.

I was in the car, late again for work. The radio was talking about pain management, the doctor said there was no magic pill to make the pain disappear. The patient learns to live with the pain. This message was my warning that my pain will never go away. It will be my cross to bear.

I keep thinking about what my therapist said. I need to stop reaching out to fill the hole inside me. I have to fill that myself. I told her i didn't know how to do this. I still don't.  I am not sure there is any viable pieces left.

Friday, June 17, 2016

No help for me today

I am now crying. I was holding out for this appointment to somehow get some telief.

I wanted to tell the lady at the counter that i was drowning, show her my arm and beg for someone, somewhere to make it all go away.

I have been up since 5:30, drove all the way to tahlequah. I don't care that he has had this day off for a long time. Seriously, one would think that last week he would remember that this day would be so important when he agreed to make this special appointment.

I didn't tell the lady this as i noticed she looked down when she told me she was sorry. She was just secretly hoping that i wouldn't cause a scene because she had to be the bearer of bad news. She didn't care as i haven't cared when people told me their long drawn out stories.

I know i have zero recourse. I want to tell someone off but it isn't their fault as she told me that she didn't know who had made the appointment for me....why yes, i stole an appointment card so that i could get up at 5;30 this morning, drive 45 minutes to sit for 45 minutes to be dismissed.

Clusterfuck

Today is the day that i my new psychiatrist. I woke up early. Actually arrived early. I have a list of meds. I hope that he will change them and make me feel normal, not really sure what that is but it can't be this constant tiredness that i feel.
I am also hoping that he will let me keep my anxiety meds so that when my anxiety is at its peak that i am so irritable that i get on my nerves. I can take one of those magical pills and make it all go away.

I am standing outside the door with 2 lady's now. Two of us are using our phones to distract ourselves so that we don't have to talk to each other. We are waiting for the one person who has a key. I wish there was a chair. I am tired and now want to go home. I know my people hate me for always being late.

A man just walked in, he has grey hair. He is wearing cargo shorts, plaid flannel shirt and the hip shoes the 20 somethings wear that look like bowling shoes. He is pacing at the window even though i told him they just walked in. The lady has come to the window, he is now flipping through pamplets. Geez, i hate it when people are standing at the door before i am open. Yes, i see you looking down at your watch then looking at me. I have also seen you walk in then walk out to look at the opening sign when the other door won't open.

I now have a lady standing in front of me who hasn't slept in 5 days. I am not sure what her and the lady at the counter decided on but she left.

Another lady has come in, she might be older it is hard to tell due to her love of taning. She looks like a smoker even though i can't see the tell tale signs of wrinkles around her mouth.

The lady who can't sleep is back. I am thinking it would be ironic if she just fell asleep in the waiting room. Bless her heart, she really does look as though she hasn't slept in awhile.

I have thrown the woman at the counter a curve ball. Apparently the good doctor doesn't work on friday. I am armed with my appointment card. Ah, she found me. She tells me that she doesn't know when the dr will be in. I am hoping that he didn't forget my appointment.

The tv is now playing an advertisement about sleeping pills. The insomniac is watching. I would be crying if i were her. She can't sleep and all i want to do is sleep.

Norman, that is the guy in the flannel. The nurse has monotonly said his name to call him to the back where i am sure he will sit and wait which doesn't seem like his fortay.

A lady with a cold play bag has now come in, a man in overalls, a lady with love of camo with a minor who is wearing a screaming chicken shirt. I am sure he has no idea what a firebird even is, let alone rode in one. He will never know how cool we thought burt reynolds and the "you really like me" girl were at the time. He will never know the fun of ttops and having to store them so they didn't scratch.

The insomniac went to the counter and is now sitting under the tv that is playing another advertisement about insomnia. They have called her to the counter and the lady has just told her she will call the pharmacy. Apparently they have changed her meds. She is looking for a prescription of clonzapam....good luck if you aren't a patient. Now they are having a conversation about controlled substances. Geez, i hope she doesn't have a gun. A fatigued woman looking for sleeping meds should not be messed with. She can't remember her previous medication. We all know the drill of submitting a med and hoping that someone, somewhere will approve the script. It is friday, everyone is going to leave at noon. Good luck. She has now called her husband to find out what meds she wants to refill. We are now spelling the name. I know the name of my sleep meds......they are VERY important without them i will have panic attacks in the middle of the night. She is still at the counter, the lady's are desperate to have her leave. I have a feeling she will be back.

I think my doctor just walked in......uh, no. It is now 15 minutes past. Now i an getting reschedule....well back to sleep i go.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Embracing myself

I am sitting here watching the yaya sisterhood.

I always thought that sandra bullock's relationship with her parents had closely resembled mine with my mom and step dad. Rodney being the only one who could feel my pain. My confidante, my safe place, and the buffer between mother and i. He was the consistent person in my life. I attribute what sanity i have to him.

One of my groomers is getting a divorce. I sent her an old song by reba which pretty much sums up the break up of a relationship.

You'll never be knowing him like you'll be knowing him now.

I have embraced my mother and that i am her reincarnated. I just didn't realize that acknowledging my true self would make me lose the only person that i thought i had in my corner.

Unfortunately. He will never be knowing me like he'll be knowing me now.

Body butter

FYI, raw shea butter smells like ass.

I have been reading about detox baths. My whole body ached a couple of months ago so i went to the drug store and bought some epsom salt. I soaked for twenty minutes. I am not sure that it did any good but having dry skin i was concerned about clogging my now detoxified pores. I found an organic lotion recipe.

I ordered all of the ingredients. I received them a few months ago so yesterday i played mad scientist. I first wanted to make sydni's bath bombs. One of the girls had made her some bath salts for Christmas and i noticed the jar was empty. That project turned out perfectly.

The body butter has been a two, sorry three day endeavor. I made it exactly like the recipe (yes mother i actually used measuring cups). I was suppose to use a double boiler or melt all of the ingredients in a pan on low. I use the path of least resistence of the pan. I pour it all in a jar and wait. The result was a far cry from the anticipated results or the picture.

The lotion set up like concrete. I put the jar in the microwave on 20%, who needs a double broiler, melted it all again. I started adding oils and mixing it all together waiting for a meringue consistency. It looked more like cream cheese icing, which everyone thought it was and thankfully no one tried to eat the concoction.

Today the bowl went back in the microwave at 20%. I added coconut oil, almond oil, and LOTS of orange essential oil. Whipped it all together and finally have the consistency i had envisioned. I added more orange oil so it now smells like orange ass.

I rubbed it into my hands and it is oily enough. The moral to the story is just buy crisco. You will save time, money, effort, and 3 days of people trying to posion themselves.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Baby daddy

I felt bad yesteday because i accused a crackhead of stealing.

I thought about calling her today and apologizing but thought why stir up a hornets nest.

Today, here she comes. She is still tweaking and i am still scared she is going to shank me. I sent ryan out there and told him to just give her the money back and make her leave.

She is such a tweaker that she gave me an anxiety attack. She is from Missouri, why she has decided to darken my door is beyond me.

My niece posted today that she is pregnant. Everyone on social media is congratulating her. I want to slap those people, this isn't the best thing ever.

She is due on November 2nd and she can't wait to have a family with shaquan. Wonder if he will be out of jail by then.

My tax dollars at work.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Outdone

Yes, i know i can't let things go.....

Yesterday skippy came in with buckley. We talked for awhile. It was good. I asked him if he had heard that Rodney had gotten married. Yes, rodney had his hair cut the day before he left and he told the barber he was getting married the next day. Apparently, everyone didn't find out at the same time.

I realize that i am 43 but if syd told me she was drowning and was in "real trouble" to the point that she was cutting herself. I cannot imagine any situation that i wouldn't want to be by her side if for no other reason than to give her a big hug.

I am just out done.


Friday, May 27, 2016

The representation of baggage

I had another one of those days

I woke up this morning thinking i had things to get accomplished and all i wanted to do was sleep.

I had an eye exam 2 weeks ago this Tuesday. I wanted to keep my old frames because i get completed on them all of the time. They had to send in the frames to have the correct lenses installed. Joe calls yesterday and they have "been broken" twice? I can no longer function without glasses so i go to the 1 hour place next to the store and get 2 pairs (sunglasses and eyeglasses) for under $200. My last frames were $300. I can see now.

I started my day with a breakdown. I talk to my mother and god. I know that my mother was saved but became very angry at the end of her life. I was sure at one time she had gone to somewhere other than heaven because she looked so frightened when she died. My conundrum this morning, if i talk to my mother, am i talking to someone who is ungodly and how would i know. I am in a group on Facebook that is a informative bible study. I proposed my confusion to the group and wasn't really satisfied with the answer.

One of my employee's dad came in looking for her. He seemed concerned because he was unable to find her. We went to the office and i called her on my cell. I left the office so they could talk. He brought my phone back and asked if Rodney was my dad. Yes. He is a good man. I changed the topic to my mother. He told me i looked exactly like her. There was a time that would have bothered me but i have embraced the comparison.  It may be the only thing i have left of her.

I am now nine again and dealing with a parent who is unable to get passed the person and all of the baggage that i represent.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Never a boring moment

I have decided that it is probably a good thing that my dogs aren't children.

While sitting at the dinner table, joe is telling mesha to stop licking, samson to stop messing with his ears, and marley to stop standing on paisely's head. Geez.

They would all be riding the short bus licking the windows, when they weren't licking or trying to eat everything else.

The other night i am leaving work. My car alarm keeps going off so my car won't start. I get out, get back in and it's fine. I am driving down the street, my mirrors are all jacked up. The thought comes to me that someone has been driving my car. I am getting all pissed trying to work it all out in my mind. Then i realized that i sounded like a crazy person. Yep, someone stole my car, drove it around and managed to park it right where it was parked.

Butch got on this rant once. I couldn't help but laugh at him which made him think i was messing with him (like the time he was convinced i was putting grecian formula in his shampoo). I pointed out the same illogical thought process that i just had. He didn't get it. This is why i get phone calls from my sister wanting to know how i lived with a crazy man for so long. All i can say is, life was never boring.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Sadness

The sadness started to infiltrate my being last night. My cashier immediately sensed it and kept asking me if i was okay. She felt like i needed a hug.

I took today off, thinking it would be a busy day trying to get everything together for Drew's graduation. Joe and i had some extra money from the refinance of the house. We wanted to make sure that drew had a reliable car to get to new mexico state. Jenny found a car, a friend of ours helped get financed, and we have all been trying to get a car for his graduation. It was all going well until the car ended up being a piece of crap. Which was a big downer for all of us.

I need to get up and see if i have a dress that i can actually wear to graduation tonight. I have  stuff to mail, things to return, and all i want to do is cry.

Joe is scared that i will cut myself again. I am wanting to, my last cut is about to heal. The only way i know to deal is to take my anxiety medicine.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Therapy

I went to see my therapist yesterday.

We discussed my arm. I really think i did it for sympathy. Depression is sick an inward disease. I want there to be signs that i am sick. I want people to ask me how i am feeling even though i am conditioned to say fine, great, making it....

Someone told me that when her mother died that her sister looked at her and said now they were orphans. I know that sounds extreme but my therapist says i need to stop reaching outward to have my holes fixed. I am going to have to fix the holes myself.

Joe was in the room with me during therapy. I wasn't sure if that was allowed or not but i think it helped him understand my struggles at times.

I reached out the olive branch to butch. I called and asked if he wanted to meet his granddaughter. We met for dinner on Saturday. It was nice to have someone baby me, be upset that i was treated wrongly, and be genuinely interested in sydni.

I feel like a fraud just replaying my childhood if i didn't get what i wanted/maybe needed from one place, i just went to the other. Always feeling like i had to choose. I need to tell myself the same thing that i feel about syd. There is enough love to go around.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Banging my head


I am just emotionally exhausted. This was my conversation with rodney today.

The pool is open water a little cool give it a week or so and it will be warm. Although cold water never stopped you and the kids.
We were just thinking about you guys hope all is well. We are here for ya and I love you.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am drowning. I cut myself because i wanted to feel something different. I went to the dr  (gp) yesterday and thank goodness i didn't get committed.

Well That is hard for me to hear. I certainly don't have advise here other than to tell you that your not alone. Dana and I are here to help if we can. We never left your side and I didn't stop loving you.

I felt like you had dana and you no longer needed me. I feel like it's just joe and i. I have no one to depend other than joe.

That was not so. That was never our intention. We hurt your feelings when we got married and you withdrew. You knew we would probably run off to get married. We ment you or no one else any harm and sure didn't mean to isolate you. You must get Jesus Christ in your life. Faith will heal you. God has a plan and you should put your worries and trials in his hands. Let go and live. Love your husband and family but more than that love your life. You know that I have never turned you away when you come to me for help. I always have helped you if it was within my power to do. God will not turn you away and he loves you to. Never stop valuing things that get better over time.

I pray and cry every day to jesus for help. I was upset about you getting married because i felt like dana shouldn't have been the one to tell me because she keeps getting put in the middle then you told me i was being silly and that i was going to find out with everyone else. Sorry, i thought i was more special than that. You aren't the most open person lately and i knew it would hurt my feelings if you just discounted my feelings. I am in real trouble here and i wasn't feeling like much of a priority.

We went to celebrate joe's and syd's birthday in your brand new truck listening to you to tell us how we should do things.  We were drowning in debt. Mom died you got a new truck. I got an earring that she died in and a dresser. When we got back to your house that night, you couldn't wait to give me my dress, all of mother's family stuff. I cried all the way home because i knew that wasn't my home anymore.  I called you for Christmas and you had plans, fine. Could you have at least made time for dessert. I told dana for you to do whatever about getting married because i knew you were anyway and i was just trying to prepare myself. Then you told me i was being silly for getting upset. I don't want to argue about semantics. You did me just like butch did, you had dana and didn't need me anymore. It has broken my heart because you were the last person i expected it from. Mother's day just reminded me that i had no one.

I find it hard to figure how you all could be in so much debt since I know together you make over 6 figures. I owed money on the explorer traded it for the truck which I pay 850 a month for. You could have had anything of your mothers you wanted. You and DeeDee were there and I told you that. I got no money from your mothers death. Spent what we had for nursing home and hospital. We work and save for things we want. I thought it was a bad idea to give syd a car without her working for it. Still do. Since you knew we were getting married I said it was silly that you got upset anyway. Would you have been happy if you had planned the wedding and been part of it or are you just mad cause I have a relationship with Dana.  Your dress and stuff was yours not mine to store. By the way the house was never your home. You may have spent a month total there your entire life. Always when I attempt to give advice you called me crotchety and told everyone about it. Before the funeral you told me I would be the one having mental problems over your mothers death. Turns out it was you. Well I can't fix this or your financial problems or anything else. Oh Christmas, we weren't even in town. You don't control my life with your feelings no more than Butch lets you or his other daughter control his. I'm sorry you feel this way. Sad to say it is the same way your mother would have felt. I pray that you joe and syd have a wonderful life. You will I suppose think of this again every mothers and Father's Day the rest if your life.  I'm sorry your hurt by my refusal to die with your mother. Life moves on always for me as well as for you.

I didn't want you to die, i wanted to be a part of your life but it doesn't seem to be important. It didn't when you got married and it doesn't now. You just don't get it. I always felt like that was my home, my safe haven, the place i could go and be comfortable. I was mistaken. I wasn't jealous about dana. Once again i wanted to be part of your life. I don't want to control your feelings except for you acting like mine aren't important to you anymore or at least respecting them. I do believe that dana did put together a dinner for Christmas and we played dirty santa. Here we are again, me wanting to be part of your life and feeling as though it is neither here nor there for you. We should just agree to disagree, stop talking about it and i will try to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I pray that you and dana have a wonderful life as well.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Drowning

I am still on the roller coaster of emotions.

I wasn't raised in the church but i have always been spiritual. I read my Bible when i can, pray for people when i don't want to, ask God for forgiveness when i have done wrong, and get inspiration from Christian music.

I received a text from Rodney today. I am not sure why he reached out to me today. I told him i was drowning and i felt as if i had no one to depend on other than joe. Since he had dana, he had no use for me anymore. He said that i withdrew after he was married, his intention wasn't too hurt anyone. I know that i am very sensitive but once again i pointed out that i didn't think i was just anyone.

He said that if i had come to him, he wouldn't turn me away. If i had went to him and he dismissed my feelings telling me i was silly like he did when i told him it was his place to tell me he was getting married. I would've turned right and joined my mother at her grave.

I need to find God and he, like God would never turn their back on me. Smh.

I know that well meaning people tell you that God has a plan when going through a rough time but i am exhausted of my life being one big lesson. I know that i have made my life harder then it needed to be at times but this is getting old.

I am 43. I put on my mask and go to work because no one there wants to know my issues. I come home where joe is frightened that i may leave him. I just want to feel something different than i do now.

I cry to God everyday for help.

Monday, May 9, 2016

lost and confused

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I disliked seeing all of the mother's day posts. I usually disliked mother's day because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mother. This year it just made me feel alone.

I am mourning the loss of 2 relationships. Rodney, we had become emotionally dependent on one another and my mother who had always done for me. She could be warm and open at times but i was always afraid that she could turn on a dime and cut me to the bone.

It has made me stop being so wreckless with money. I am an adult, not a child, and i have to learn to depend on myself. I really don't think if i needed help that i could REALLY depend on anyone other than joe.

Yesterday was so hard. I cried at the mere mention of mother's day. I had a customer who is really kind of annoying. She wished me a happy mother's day. I told her i didn't have any kids and it was generally just a sucky day. Tears were running down my face. I should've felt bad but i just couldn't help it.

This mood followed me last night into today.

I was so distraught last night that i went to the garage and got one of blades that come a 100 to a box, took the paper off and sliced my arm about an inch. I was shocked at how easy the blade pierced my skin. At first it didn't bleed but i wanted it to, so i pinched it like a pimple.  The blood wasn't the deep dark red that i was expecting and i became confused. I went to the bathroom and cleaned my wound, i put gauze on it and wrapped it with tape. I hid it from joe and would move so i could feel the wound.

I hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

This was the only thing that continued in my head.

I turned my phone off yesterday and refused to turn it back on until today. I called my doctor and was able to get in today. I told joe what i had done and that i was going to get help.

He immediately left work. I felt horrible when i saw him.

My doctor noticed the gash in my arm and asked what happen. I told her. I am not sure if she asked why. I sounded like an idiot "i wanted my outside to look like my inside." "I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling".

I am menopausal. I didn't get committed. I have new meds and a new psychiatrist.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Fill that hole

My weight is at it's heaviest.
I had all of my credit cards maxed.

I don't know what hole i am trying to fill. I was so overwhelmed the other day. I just sat and cried. I don't know how to not feel this way. I feel as though i keep getting knocked down. I keep continuing self defeating behaviors.

I can't over spend because i chopped up all of my credit cards. Chocolate is cheap. I won't buy a candy bar because i see it as too many calories but i will buy a bag of chocolate and mindlessly eat the entire bag. The voice in my head is telling me that i don't want nor need anymore but i just continue.

The weight on my body is too much. My ankles hurt. It is hard for me to get up and walk if i have sat too long. I am tired.

It is as if i can't have someone treating me badly then i must do it to myself.

The ring

Today, joe and i went to the Renaissance fair. Which really is food, gift shops, and a bunch of people dressed weird. They really seem to get into so go them.

I was looking for a silver pinky ring. I was looking for something handmade but i couldn't find what i was wanting.

It made me remember the drunk. He once had a sterling silver quarter that he had made into a ring. I really did like the ring. One time we had a fight and he told me to give him the ring back, that i wasn't worthy of the ring. He would give it to one of his daughters.

I then decided that i didn't want the ring anymore.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Watching the story play out

Hold on for this one.

My niece is pregnant and the baby daddy is in jail.

Let me get out my crystal ball and tell you how this one is going to end.

She works at target, he is in jail. When he gets out he isn't going to be able to find a job worth anything since he has a record. My sister has no money to help, since her and my brother are on government assistance. Might as well add my niece to that list. I feel as if this child is her excuse to not pursue a fruitful future. She always talked of having a baby because she wanted something to love. I hope she knows this isn't going to fill the whole that her childhood has caused.

My sister thinks i should somehow be happy for this new "addition". Why yes, let's continue our legacy by having broken people having babies. Instead of a college fund, we better get a therapy fund together. I have been in therapy for years and the pain of the damage that i allowed other people to inflict upon me is still unbearable at times.

My sister cannot understand why i am not able to stand by and watch my niece's life implode. Just thinking of her future gives me anxiety.

One more victim, one more casulty, one more child that is suppose to fix their parents.

This is why i never had children. Someone had to stop the cycle that my niece has now insisted on continuing.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Afterlife

I decided yesterday that i cannot be a baboom.

It is amazing how you become so interested in something that you normally wouldn't give a second glance. This only seems to happen when  you are suppose to be doing something you really don't want to do.

I was watching natgeo and there was a documentary about baboons. The males all have a barking contest in the morning. All i could think of was it's morning, really? Is there a need for all of that noise? Can't we just enjoy a nice cup of coffee?

My husband gets up the minute his alarm goes off. I am in love work my snooze button. I will hit that snooze button at least 10 times. I would hate to live with me. I have always found it extremely difficult to get out of bed. I have never had a bedtime because i fell asleep early.

Joe is such a happy person that i sometimes tell him to take it down a notch. Ironically, syd is just like me so i have to tell joe to stop messing with her because all it does is annoy her.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

laundry

no one in my house is able to fold laundry, they are all experts at washing the laundry


today I was folding the laundry and I noticed that I fold my pants the exact way that my ex husband used to always get upset at me because I was unable to fold his pants the way he wanted. I thought he was just being an ass but now I get it. yes I noticed the irony.


I have become quite ocd about my closet. I now have all of my clothes, shirts at least, sorted by color. short sleeve on the right, then long sleeve, and then sweaters. I love a good sweater. Since I have acquired a new chocolate addiction, my clothes are revolting against me and not wanting to fit. the sweater has become my security blanket. they have to be at least 3/4 sleeve and I buy them in the womens section, at least a 1x (which if I don't stop eating so much chocolate, I will soon be shopping in).


so my office has become a space issue. I now have my grandmothers chest of drawers (I used to think that people were saying chester drawers, which makes no sense). I actually have company so we put up syd's old bed. I have no other wall to put it on but the built in bookcases. now I am unable to access some of the stuff in the bookcase but that is okay I am able to just pull out the bed.


I also was given my mothers time life sewing/fashion books from the 70s, they are quite a hoot. I have now made a space for them as well. we (I) are still trying to get the office all organized so that I will spend time in here and I can stop blogging from my phone, which is so time consuming but easier for the 30 minute ride to Checotah. 


I have now added my step dad to the list of people I am not talking to. that would be 3 fathers now. I have decided that my mother liked narcissistic people. I didn't realize it until now that I have had some space to reflect. I don't know my real father so I can only look at the letters mother left me but he seemed non committal like butch. it took me a long time to realize that men are non committal due to their issues, not me. I used to dislike women who thought they could change a man. I thought that I needed to change myself to have them love me, which is worse.


I read a quote today about marriage and it stated that great marriages don't happen by luck. actually they kind of do, if you are lucky and smart, you will pick the right partner and that will be half the battle. I love the fact that joe and I don't fight. I love to spend time with my husband. I notice that when I feel distant from him, I am not myself. I am also blessed that I am able to make my schedule around his. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Walking in quicksand again

I am just emotionally exhausted this week.

I got up at 6 yesterday, drove to ft smith, went to the store, home to see joe before he left and then back to the store.

It looked as though dustin spent his whole day working on replacing the handhelds. I was so disgusted that i just picked up all of the old stuff and put it in a box, taped it together and put the ups label on it. IT called me twice last night, nothing is fixed. I finally left at 8. I was so exhausted that i felt as if i was going to puke. I left a note, do what you can, work truck, sell a few dog training classes, and dont leave me a mess for Saturday morning. Dustin called me this morning. I told him to tell helpdesk to call me saturday, we have no more time to spend on this issue.

Joe is really sick. He went to the doctor on monday, they gave him a steroid shot, for what i have no idea.

Last night i told a family friend about rodney and dana getting married. She asked me if i had found out via Facebook, one step away, i received a message via Facebook from Michelle. She told me that it was wrong, she knew that it had really hurt my feelings and she apologized.

It felt so good to have someone acknowledge my feelings without a long drawn out conversation. It makes me cry to think of how few times people have just stopped to notice how i felt. I look at the simplicity of that single action and realize that life doesn't have to be as difficult as it is and was. I think of the people and situations that i had to fight with someone to get them to just get a half ass sorry from them makes me realize how much i have discounted myself.

I now understand why someone telling me they were sorry made me so uncomfortable and i would just say "its alright". I had heard it so little in my life.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Changing the paradigm

This morning i was driving to work and i saw a father walking his daughter to school. I thought that it was really sweet and i smiled.

At one point in time i would've judged that man based on his appearance instead of seeing the beauty.

I was once told there is no talent in pointing out the negative. I was looking through Facebook last night. There was a video with a remark of how funny it was. It was a woman who was dancing, she was enjoying herself. I stopped watching it because I saw nothing funny about the video. She wasn't dressed trendy, she didn't have the most amazing dance moves, and she wasn't a size zero. Which i am sure what the person thought was so funny.

The next video (which i didn't watch) was the picture of a plus size woman in a bathing suit, standing at the top of a water slide. I am hoping the lady didn't voluntarily allow someone to video her but i am not sure that having someone videotaping her to begin with isn't worse.

I am a size 12 to 14. I have put on a few pounds lately due to my new chocolate addiction. I don't feel the need to beat myself up (swimsuit season will probably change my mind). I can guarantee i won't look like cindy crawford at the pool this summer either. I would hope that no one would be so cruel to post a video of me so others could laugh.

Sadly, i understand. I would've reposted something like that thinking it was hilarious and trying to make myself feel better about my weight.