Wednesday, February 20, 2013

showing up is half the battle

"Well now let's see.  The majority of criminal defendants I see day by day claim they blame their adult fate on their childhood relationships.  Most can not read well, have a GED, maybe and have a job which requires them to say "would you like tea with that sir".  Most of the time I find that they blew off a meaningful relationship with their folks.  Now they don't have a clue how to deal with life.  And if they were fortunate and had parents with good jobs and educations they failed to take advantage of their wisdom.  Took their own path in the of objections from their folks and now cannot bring themselves to admit they themselves made mistakes.  Gainfully sort of employed when they show up on the days they can roll out of bed and face the world.  It's the "oh woe is me" crew.  Give me one more chance.".........My dad sent this to me today.

I remember once we were going somewhere and there were a couple of younger people driving a car past us and he made the remark that the car was probably stolen.  I was playing devils advocate and asked how he knew that, he responded that the car was too nice for people that age.  I was fortunate to have a nice car, but i also had a job to pay for that nice car.  I asked what the difference between me and those people were.  His answer was that i looked like i belonged in the car that i drove.  As i have gotten older i now know what he is talking about.  I am fortunate to live in a town that police don't harass you much for speeding.  I have been pulled over twice in the 10 years that i have been back.  I have a girl who works for me that is pulled over all of the time.  She asked me this morning if i had any issues getting to work.  I replied "No, but i also don't drive like an idiot."  She has two speeds when she drives, stop and full speed ahead.  When she first started working for me, she came into my office more than once having a panic attack because she was pulled over.  I have witnessed her driving since and now fully understand.  Let me pull out my crystal ball and tell you how this is going to end, police tend to frown upon people who drive excessively over the speed limit and tend to give multiple, hefty fines for this. Her and her girlfriend barely have two pennies to rub together and this will be yet another chicken little scenario that will only bring drama into my world.  I will then point out her culpability in the situation, which will be shocking to her, and make me the bad guy. 

Excellent example, one of my girls has just moved in with her boyfriend. She is telling me on Wednesday that she has already spent all of her money that she was paid on Friday.  I said "welcome to being an adult".  She then went and asked another manager if they could believe that i said that, and their response was pretty much the same. 

It amazed me when i started back to school, how unprepared people are. I could totally understand if it were the just out of high school students, but no, it was the people my age or older.  I just wanted to scream at them "what exactly have you been doing for the past two decades, because i have lived in a world where i had to show up and be prepared or there were consequences." 

Sometimes the responsibility of so many people depending on me is overwhelming, but if i had not have designed my life like this then there is no telling where i would be.....uh, yeah there is, living in a cardboard box, depressed. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

thank goodness for small favors

I was suppose to go to a meeting tomorrow but because of snow it was cancelled.  I am excited because now i don't have to ride with another manager who has an arsenal in his spare bedroom (he is the posterchild for gun control), smokes one of those smokeless electronic cigarettes, and is crazy.  I am not very social with my fellow managers, but thought of inviting the other two just so i didn't have to listen to his craziness all the way to ft smith.  Thankfully, i have three weeks to plan for the next meeting. 

I am sure the grocery store is a mad house because the weathermen are talking "wintry mix".  I will still have my 6am meeting in the morning and will still have to be at the store at 8am and will still have to work until 4ish.......i don't get snow days.  The next day, i will still have to go to BA because people will still have to get their taxes done.  It always cracks me up when people ask if the store will be open.....uh, yeah, this is retail.  Speciality stores are a unique, kinder retail.  The first winter i was there, there were people who didn't even try to make it to their store.....really, in my past, you better get the sled ready and have some dogs, because there was no excuse for NOT opening your store. 

This is a different generation though, kids are now given cars, not just any clunker, brand new cars.  I can only think of one person who received a new car when i was in high school and i am pretty sure she drove that car all through college too.  I am 40 and have just recently purchased my second brand new car, the first one i ever bought was the worst car that i had ever owned, so i swore that i would always buy used so that someone else could work out the headaches first.  This is when i figured out that you don't EVER buy the first model of anything, wait until the second model, or maybe the this time they should have the kinks worked out, hopefully. 

I was putting up freight today and saw an old man hobbling my way, i ask him on my way by how he was doing and he said "old".  I couldn't help but chuckle on that one. 

Monday, February 18, 2013

dream catcher

yesterday i spent my entire day in bed as usual, but this time with a debilitating migraine, about 10pm it finally moved from behind my right eye to my left eye and at midnight, it was looming behind my left eye...i wasn't sure if it was the calm before the storm.  I was able to sleep and woke up this morning not sure if the looming pain was just trying to build up momentum.  I did take advantage of the fact that i was able to eat and took some migraine medicine.  I wondered if my dehydration had something to do with my headache.  I googled it and it made me chuckle that some people reported a euphoric feeling after a migraine.  Heck yeah, you are so thankful that you aren't contemplating putting a gun to your head to make the pain go away. 

I swear i am 40 and falling apart.  I was so exhausted Friday that Matt and i missed our tickets to MLT "a few good men".  I just find it impossible to start a play at 8pm and stay awake.  Saturday, i threw down with one of my department managers, giving him an ultimatum....i left early, came home and climbed into bed with horrible pain in my right leg. 

Here is my random thought for the day.  Why do people hang dream catchers from their rear view they sleep in their car....or is this a warning sign for me that their bad driving is due to the fact that they are sleeping. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

in the real world

i don't watch infomercials, because i always get sucked in......i need to stop watching Oprah

the 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman

i have only read a few chapters, but i could not help but smile through the entire chapter "falling in love".  It is the most insightful view of relationships that i have ever read.  "At the peak, the in-love experience is euphoric.  We are emotionally obsessed with each other.  When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together....embracing, sparks dreams of marriage and ecstasy."

BAM!!!!  40 years of wandering this earth and over a year of this blog and i now know that i am in love with falling in love. 

"reality is a world where shoes do not walk to the closet and drawers do not close themselves, where coats do not like hangers, and socks go this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush....intimate lovers become enemies and marriage, a battlefield"

this euphoric love isn't meant to last forever

"by nature we are egocentric.  Our world revolves around us.  None of us is totally altruistic.  The euphoria of the in-love experience only gives us that illusion.  Once the experience of falling in love has ran its natural course, we will return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.  He will assert his desires, but his desires will be different from hers."  and Houston we have a problem

we have two choices "jump ship and try again.....or pursue "real love" with our spouse. "

My issue isn't the failure of my heart to go pitter patter, it is the words of affirmation that i need, that i get in the beginning of the relationship.  The feeling that i am the most beautiful woman in the world, i am worth my weight in gold, and this person will always be by my side.  I have abandonment issues, if you haven't guessed. 

Five years later, my husband still opens the door for me and if he is quick enough, he will pull out my chair.  People are amazed by this, but this one thing that made me fall in love with him.  Even at my heaviest, he still tells me that i am beautiful. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

doing for others

Sunday i woke up about 3ish, laid in the bedroom watching DIY shows.  I heard Matt in the living room snoring.  I walked into the kitchen to get some water and a snack, he was laying on the couch with his water bottle still in his hand.  Weird, but i do weird things in my sleep too.  Finally, about 5, the dogs started getting rowdy and barking,  Buckley even got the remote off the table and dropped it on the floor.  Matt NEVER got up.  Finally at 6, i went in to see what he wanted for dinner.  I touched his arm and he was drenched.  I woke him up and told him that he was having an insulin reaction.  He came to and agreed, wanting a candy bar.  I had to put the dogs outside because they were all over the place.  Matt ate two full size candy bars and then came into the bedroom to change his clothes.  I helped him with his underwear and tshirt (which were drenched and had been for awhile).  He was so cold, i wrapped him in blankets as he ate some candy to raise his sugar.  He climbed into bed, thinking he was still too dizzy to stand in the shower, to try and warm up.  Unable to warm up anymore, he wanted to take a shower.  I turned on the shower and stood there while he rested under the hot water.  I helped him bathe and watched him to make sure he didn't fall, while trying to stay out of his way.  Matt always turns the water temperature down so that my skin doesn't dry out, he always stands out of the way while i shower, standing in the corner, freezing.  I now know what caring about someone else's welfare and expecting nothing in return is really like.  Matt and I won't probably talk about Sunday ever, but it does make me feel good when i can do something for him and he actually lets me. 

queen of excuses

I am exhausted and today is only my monday. 

I slept most of the day Sunday, par for the course.  I tried to sleep my day away yesterday, but matt came home at lunch and wanted to look at storm shelters (eye roll).  I had a hot fudge sunday for lunch, came back home and climbed into bed.  I almost fell asleep, but the doctors office called to confirm my doctors appointment for today that i tried to call and cancel yesterday.  They couldnt find me because they had my dob as 1927....boy i just thought i was old.  I will have to call and reschedule tomorrow.  This is my six month check up for the pap smear that i had that came back abnormal. 

I still need to find a shrink and get my meds all straightened out, because this is not working.  I dont want to cry all of the time anymore, i just feel no reason to leave my house, unless i absolutely HAVE to. 

Mr. B thought that i needed some exercise on Sunday.  I always take Paisely to the donut shop with me on Sunday morning, but this time Matt was able to get Buckley in the car as well.  It went fine until we arrived at home.  I thought that i should pull into the garage before we let Mr. B out.  Matt thought we should let them out in the drive (i wasn't really wanting to press my luck).  Buckley decided to take a 4 block tour of the neighborhood.  I almost had him at the end of the street, but Matt told me to stop, because he thought that he could just kneel down and Buckley would come to him....fat chance.  I went home and got the car, thinking that fat pookie would just get in....nope, she used B's bad behavior as an excuse to roam around the neighborhood as well.  I slowly followed Matt, B, and Paisely all the way home. 

I just paid my tuition for this semester, thankful once again that i was able to pay cash for it and didn't have to take out a loan.  I feel defeated that i am paying full price for three hours that i dropped.  I don't know if that was a good idea or not, but i don't feel like depending on four other people that i don't know for my grade.  This was an online class that she expected us (group of five) to write a 20 or 40 page research paper with nine references, five of them being from the Internet.  I don't even remember what the subject was, but this was only suppose to be an eight week class.  I think this lady is CRAZY!!!  I dropped it, but since it was an eight week class, i didn't receive an financial credit for it, so i just gave NSU about $600 for nothing.  Oh well, live and learn. 

I just don't know if i have what it takes to finish this, but it would be such a waste to get to my junior year and not finish.  I am just so scared that i may not have what it takes to finally see something through to the end.  What happens if i do get my degree, actually pass the CPA just to get a job that pays me less than i make now and i end up hating it???

The queen of excuses is what i have become.  The enabler of failure.  I am just too tired to care. 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

mean people suck

it must a full moon this week.  I have dealt with crazy people, grooming issues, sleeping issues, and now i just have this looming sense of doom. 

Yesterday, a dog tried to eat my groomers face off, then did a complete back flip when she tried to bath him/her (mocha).  The husband dropped off the dog and said that he didn't like the last cut and wanted it shorter.  The wife loved the last cut and hated this cut.  The dog gave him/herself rope burn when she/he did the back flip.  This was pointed out the the husband, but the wife didn't feel as though this was adequate enough.  I wish husbands and wives would communicate. 

Today, my groomers tried to make it to the hospital before their grandfather died to say goodbye, leaving a ladies dogs 95% completed.  The customer thought it would be appropriate to ask my bather "if he was stupid" and why he couldn't finish the dogs, after she cussed him......I am still contemplating calling this lady and asking her if she has a soul. 

I am in my "i hate people" mood. 


If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Yeah.... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Faith Hill

been there, done issue is that i give to all the wrong people and then trying to rearrange chairs on a ship that is going down. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

the blow out

"yesterday i decided that at my age I'm playing on the back nine of life.  My head keeps telling me I can go back to the clubhouse and change clubs and balls then start the game over.  Ah then reality sets in and I decide what's really happened is I have what I need to play through, really too much.  I should take a 7 iron, a putter, and some balls and finish this game.  DOWNSIZING is a good thing sometimes.  You.  Well your on the second to last hole of the front nine yourself.  Take what you need, drop the rest and play through.  I think, as people, we should never compare or contrast each other.  We each must come to understand our self worth and gain back our trust in life"....this is a text i received from my dad (who, ironically is not a golfer).

I know that some people think that it is interesting to say that their family is crazy, but no one ever seems to believe me.  Matt and I went and had dinner with his parents the other night and ran into a couple who knew my adoptive father.  The man came back to the table to inquire about Butch's health, which as far as i know is fine.  My poor in-laws were so confused.  Matt and I had to explain who Butch was and that no one on the Stagg's side of the family had ever met him.  Butch's wife doesn't care for my sister and I too much.  My aunt said it well when it comes to his bride "as if we didn't have crazy enough, he had to import some into the family".  People usually think that i am making that up to, until i explain that she had to be committed because she thought he was trying to kill her.  Butch replied "i don't think that she actually thought that i was trying to kill her" and sister said "does it matter?"

This will now lead to the blow out that my sister, father, and i had while our brother nervously sat in the corner wanting nothing to do with his crazy sisters.  Butch had spent his life dragging women in and out of my life, i desperately clung on to them, needing a mother figure in my life.  He finally met Pam about the time i was getting married to Dick.  I really believe that Butch didn't want to be alone so he married her.  My sister and I have spent much time trying to decide which came first the chicken or the egg....was Pam crazy before she met Butch or does Butch just make all of the women in his life crazy.  I can say this, i really do believe that he tried to make her happy.  I felt as though he was angry at me for getting married, leaving him, and so he did little things to show that his new wife was more important than me.  I remember once i was trying to speak to him about some wedding stuff (since he was paying for it) and she pulled up, honked the horn, he jumped up and ran out of the house like it was on fire.  Needless to say, my feelings were hurt.  He had spent my entire lifetime telling me that the land our trailer sat on would be mine, my brother and sister had no emotional ties to it, but when Pam left him broke, he had to sell it.  I was really hurt for a long time about that.  My sister and I always get more upset about the injustices done to the other than we do about the wrongs that we have experienced.  So, she called him and we had a show down on her front porch.  The man is so oblivious as to other people in his life and how his actions effect us.  I told him that i felt like he had sold my childhood home because he had been chasing after another piece of ass.  I remember him asking my sister if she could love his wife, to which she replied "NO" and he wanted to know why, sister said "because, because, she is fucking crazy" that is when the conversation about his wife being institutionalized came up.  I walked into the house and when i finally came out, Butch had his finger in sister's face, screaming "F you.....F you".  I have no clue how a father can say that to a daughter.  I did tell him that i couldn't believe the night that sister called him because her then husband was on his way home and she was afraid for her safety from a fight previously that day.  Butch's wife called and he had to run home.  I seriously cannot believe a father would leave his daughter at a home where he knows that her husband is coming home and there is a good chance it could get physical. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

random thoughts

the dogs started to get restless this morning while i wanted to i thought that i needed to lay down with Mr. B and spend some time with him, but then Paisely would feel lonely.....Matt could lay with Paisely and I lay with Mr. B.....beware, laying with dogs will get you fleas.  Then i thought isn't that like beware of laying with prostitutes, you will get the clap. 

Yep, this is when i got up and took my meds. 

break the suction

About 2 months ago, i decided to take my employees to breakfast one morning.  We had won a contest and i knew most of them wouldn't show up so i told them to bring a guest if they would like.  One of my employees brought their mother, which i thought was really sweet and i sat at the table with them.  This employees mother catered to her daughter in a way that was so foreign to me, that i had to do a double take.  She actually put cream and sugar in her coffee for her and then made sure that is the way that the daughter liked it.  It was as if i had witnessed aliens landing on earth.  This was the most foreign concept to me.  I can barely remember my mother cutting my food for me or actually sharing a plate with my mother when i was really young.  I am not sure if i was jealous or just blown away that someone who is old enough to drink coffee, still has their mother make it for public.  I now understand why this employee is so needy. 

I just cannot do needy people.  I think it because i know how easily i get pulled under water in their situation.  I would actually chew my arm off to get away from people who suck the life out of me.  It probably has something to do with the fact that i suck enough of my own life out of me that i really don't need any help. 

I am severely becoming an introvert.  I have been off work for two days and have managed to leave the house none.  I don't have any desire to go anywhere.  I don't even feel that this is the depression, i just want to get my tuition paid off, my credit card paid off, and going places usually involves spending money. 

Matt and I have tickets for the little theatre next weekend and his parents are unable to go, they told us that we needed to invite some friends so that we don't waste the tickets.  Matt and i responded that we don't have any friends.  Their response was that we needed to join a Sunday school class and get friends, my response was that they all have kids and we don't have anything in common. 

Matt and i barely go to church anymore.  I just usually dont have the energy and everyone is sick, why do sick people feel the need to go places where healthy people are....stay home. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

paradigm shift

just because a person isn't in your life doesn't mean that they wont live in your heart forever

funny how some random facebook post can set you free

it was the epiphany that i needed, the paradigm shift to unlock me from my was a voice in my head that said it was okay to think of someone else and to miss was the permission that i needed to acknowledge my heartache, my sorrow, and my culpability in the situation

time heals all wounds...all wounds heal in time


not to hold on
not to hold on to grudges
not to hold on to what someone did to you
not to hold on to what you should've, could've, would've been
not to hold on to what your mama could have done

to live in the present moment
letting go of what HAS happened to you
and being able to live right now with what IS happening to you
make a decision for right now
and move forward is how you access the power that is within all of us


I listened to a lifeclass last night on my way home from BA and this was what Oprah had said after she interviewed Terry McMillian and the palpable anger that she had towards her ex husband who later came out of the closet.  Terry spoke of how she felt betrayed and how she really wanted to hate her husband until the day he died.  She was locked into the anger and finally had to let go to get happy. 

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.

I had watched my adoptive father spend a decade being so mad at my mother for leaving.  She went on and married a wonderful man and had a great marriage.  I learned that the anger will literally eat you alive.  His anger towards her didn't keep her from being happy (as happy as my mother can be), but it did keep him from his own happiness. 

I started to think if there were people in my life that i had not forgiven. 

"The only thing left to do is forgive and forget. I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.."...Lauren Conrad