cheerleader

I am my mother.... 

I didn't have kids. I used to tell myself that it was because I didn't want to mess up my kids like my parents. 

Reality is that I had too many abortions while still picking the same guy.

When I was "ready" to have a child, I married an impotent. "I guess the jokes on me" (NIN reference).

Tonight my (step) daughter comes home with her friends to hang out. I came home to find them all in the hot tub (it's 28 outside). 

They all are about to get out. I gather robes and wrap them up as they get out. They are trying to gather up their stuff as they get out. I send them all inside as I close up the hot tub and get their things. I walk inside to find them huddled, they are scared to drop water on the floor. Mind you, it is stained concrete and I own 3 large inside dogs. 

I tell them to not worry about getting water on the floor, just don't fall. 

On a good day, this would be my mother.

I don't want to be sydni's best friend. I do want to always be her biggest cheerleader. 

lost

My ex used to tell me that dreams were a way for my brain to work out issues or something like that. 

I have recurring dreams that I can't find joe. I've forgotten his number, my phone won't work, or I've done something to drive him away. 

My other dream is that we can't live in our home. We are staying at the old trailer in Warner, a hotel, an apartment. I keep trying to make the best out of a bad situation but I really want to be back in my nice home. 

I am lost and I can't find my way is the recurring theme. 

I am scared that I will lose everything. I think I am really scared that my mental issue will take it all away from me.

I really want to fold

Answers, I want answers.

I am mad....at god...my parents...life....my mental disorder which I don't know if it has been caused by nature or nurture or both. 

I don't know why god allows people to hurt the way I do. I need an answer that I know I will never find. If I did would it really change anything?

Is it really going to make me feel any better? Will it make my lows less lower?

I asked my "step dad" (I honestly don't know what to call him) if my mother was bipolar. From the man who likes to act like he knows everything, I didn't get an answer. 

I want answers.

I asked him why he didn't help me when I was so depressed my senior year? 

His answer

I do not have a answer for you. Falls into the should have, could have, would have's in life we all carry some of the burden for what cards life deals us. Then we just play them draw new ones or fold. 

An "I'm sorry" would be nice. 

That is what, I want an "I'm sorry" from my parents who should've never brought me into this world.

An "I'm sorry" for no one noticing or worse noticing and not helping. 

An "I'm sorry" from god for this crappy "hand" I've been felt.