Monday, May 26, 2014

feeling superior and irritated

today i posted on facebook about being the original mean girl, that i judge people, and if someone starts tearing someone apart, I want to be a ring leader. I can say things that will cut to the core.  Yes, pray to god for help, because i know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this treatment, but sometimes I just don't care.  If I am lucky I will catch myself and stop talking but it has been such a habit for so long to cover my self esteem, sometimes I don't want to stop. I need prayers, advice, someone to smack me, but I hate this about myself.

You would have thought by the answers that I received that I was going to jump off the bridge.  I did appreciate all of the kind words. My dad told me that he would like me to stop putting yourself down before the world on facebook.

I thought that i was just putting out there what most people were guilty of, at times tearing someone else down makes us feel superior.  It is the amount of venom that i do this that makes me worried.  I wonder why i feel the need to do this with such a force.  I dislike the fact that my mind immediately goes to the negative.

i suppose i will save this topic for my therapist

my irritation level has been on overdrive

i dropped out of school for the summer semester and i just feel like such a failure because i was going to be done by december 2015.  This is the only thing that makes me regret getting divorced. I was going to try to stay in my marriage until i graduated, but i am sure that i am in a much better place without that stress.  I wonder at times if i am actually out of my depression anymore.  I watched a ted talk from a guy that worked for the California highway patrol and was responsible for responding to people who were trying to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  One of the things that he talked about depression was that people sleep, which is what i want to do all of the time.

I feel as though i have been in therapy forever and i have brought all of  the issues to the surface to only become one huge nerve.......that is constantly irritated.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

the wicked witch keeps bombarding me with her monkeys of evil thoughts

today has been a battle of negative thinking

i woke up with a migraine and an upset stomach.  we went and got breakfast but i just couldn't stand the floors anymore so i started cleaning.  one of the dogs got hold of a piece of trim and chewed it to pieces, so there were remnants of that on the floor, the dogs had taken a poop in a few places and there was dog hair all over the place.  it just generally stunk and reminded me of the way that i felt. 

i cannot get rid of this feeling of foreboding that something bad is going to happen.  i have gone from feeling of being grateful to just a feeling of ugliness.  I want to get people before they get me, i want to just tear someone apart.  It is almost as if i have gone from wanting to punish myself to punishing other people.  I am a huge stress ball. 

My aunt sent me a message the other night, my sister didn't go to my nieces graduation because "she didn't want her friends to see her cause she looks fat".  Well, if i felt that way i would never leave the house.  That is another thing that has gone out of eating.  I felt bad because i know that she depending on me to come but i am just so exhausted.  Maybe it would have made me feel better to help someone else, but probably would have just made me feel more drained.  I can judge her all day, but like i told my aunt, she is an adult and if she wants to kill herself by drinking then that is her choice to make.  The real casualties is the girls.  I feel as though Chloe is looking for a man to save her, she will pick one like her father, because that is what we do.  That will be filled with heartache. 

Sophia is too much like me and her life will be filled with anguish, she will spend much of it wondering why her parents even had children.  She wants to have a baby so bad, she just wants someone to love and to love her back. 

Even in her own anguish she is able to look beyond herself and be here for her aunt.  "you need to calm down and breath and try not to stress over things because everything will work its self out.  you're pushing yourself back into depression and that's not good for you.  you gotta slow down and take a deep breath." were her words of wisdom. 

conundrum of negative thinking

when having a toxic thought, use this litmus test

-true: consistent with fact or reality
-honest: not deceptive or fradulent;genuine
-just:  based on fact or sound reason
-pure: free of dirt, defilement, or pollution
-lovely: having beauty that appeals to the emotions as well as to the eye
-good report: a positive account of the proceedings or transactions
-excellent:of the highest of finest quality, exceptionally good
-praiseworthy: deserving of praise,  commendable

remember thoughts come in three time frames
1. past thoughts-memory
2. present thoughts- current situation
3. future thoughts- dreams

i am having real issues with negative thinking lately.  My anxiety is rising and my irritability is on overdrive, even my hair is bothering me.

i have let my spending get out of control and i am going to drop out of the summer semester because i don't have it to give to pay that much attention to squeeze a 16 week course into 8 weeks.  I didn't really understand cost accounting the first time i am not sure i can understand it the second time even though my professor likes me and says that it is easier than cost 1.  I an going to email her and see what she thinks.  My instructor for intermediate accounting told me it was going to take 20 hours a week for the course,  so i couldn't help but become overwhelmed and drop the class, especially when she started sending me emails two weeks before class even started but i guess i should be grateful because at least this way it doesnt cost me money that i dont have.

i was hoping that the insurance money from the roof would pay for the roof, the new building, and allow me to get my credit card under control.  I just used that as an excuse to spend.  I have to find a way to get more centered and balanced so i cant stop being to one extreme or another. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

between a bucket list and a resolution

about nine years ago, i made a list of things that i wanted to do.  kind of a cross between a bucket list and a new years resolution

the list contained things like walk in high heels....i probably should have specified on that one.  I can do it, just not very well.  I would like to do it SJP style. 

ride a roller coaster...finally did that last year

get a tattoo....checked that one off on Friday and yes it did hurt.  People who describe it as if someone is scraping your skin off are right.  I suppose you either go big or you go home.  I decided to get them on my feet, which according to EVERYONE is one of the worst places to get a tattoo. 

Photo: Sophie Gabrielle, here you go

I feel as though if you are going to put something on your body and it is going to be permanent then it should really speak to you.  This is my reminder to walk with God daily, to keep my ears, eyes, and heart open to his purpose for my life. 

I unfortunately feel the need to judge people, it makes me feel better about myself.  No one does it better than me, i am the original mean girl.  You have a paper tag on your car, i am checking the date and if it way overdue then i feel superior because my tag is in date.  You look like you just rolled out of bed?   I got up and was able to do something with my hair and put on make up, so i must be better than you.  It is especially difficult when other people want to bash on someone. Man, i want to be the ring leader.  I am now trying to operate from a place of being grateful, grateful that i have the money to keep my tag current (in fact, i don't even look at paper tags anymore.....if i can help it).  I am grateful that my depression is at a manageable state that i care about how i leave the house, others may still be stuck in that ditch.  I try to say a silent prayer for me and my judgement and for the other person and their struggle. 

My therapist told me a long time ago that i needed to take a yoga.  I am really thinking that she is right, i am really feeling off center and i have a very hard time just being in the moment.  I have come to the conclusion that i don't multi task very well and i need to learn to just be still.  I really think that my overall spirit would benefit from it, so while working on being the grateful girl, i will also work on being the still girl. 

Giving it to God

Rodney left for Wyoming on Monday.  he called me about 12 hours into his trip and told me that he missed me, he missed the dogs, and he missed the house.  I asked him if this finally got him over his "sell everything, buy an airstream trailer, smash his phone, and just run away" talk that i have gotten for i don't know how long.  He said no, just that he would take the dogs with him.  I have the latest addition to the Brook family at my house, bob and max are at the other house where his tenants let them and out and make sure they are fed.  Clifford (yes, he is a big almost red dog) whom we found at IHOP is staying with me....there is not lagoon for him to go swimming in and get into trouble.  Saturday he did this, Rodney was mad, had to get him to go swimming in the pond, tried to dry him with a towel (which didn't work) so he said that he was getting rid of the dog and he was at the airport trying to calm down.  I guess it is a quaint little town that we live in. 

My therapist thought that i made a huge breakthrough.  I no longer worry about people leaving me, i am afraid that they will stay and make me miserable.  She told me that was a good shift but i needed to find somewhere in the middle and realize that it is my choice as to who i have in my life.  I think all of the things that have happened this year that i have had to handle myself that i am able to rely on my own strength.  It has given me more faith in my ability and i don't really think that i am scared of much anymore.  I have tried to walk in my faith more and just give it to God.  I don't like to operate in a mode of fear, i don't make good decisions. 

I am still neutral about whether i should go to school this summer.  It is just really hard when i am taking senior level classes in an 8 week period.  I think i will just drop this summer and try again in the fall.  I really need to get the roof taken care of, the building in the backyard.  Stop my financial bleeding and pay off my credit card.  I am hoping that i will have enough insurance money left over to do that.  I am really hoping that my dad will help with school in the fall because i do not want to have to take out loans.  I suppose it is like i said, Give it to God. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

maxing out my worry card

I am trying to wrap my head around this half brother thing.  I know that we must be related because he is random like i am.  He sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay for mothers day.  I went on some deep thought about why our parents bothered having children since they were broken individuals with no capacity of caring for someone other than themselves.  "Dummy cause for 30 seconds or so it felt really good" was his response.  Yep, we are related. 

I don't really watch the news.  I find it very depressing and it just makes my GAD (general anxiety disorder) worse.  It is spring, i live in tornado alley, there are tornadoes.  I have lived here since i was five and my adoptive father never saw the need to panic over them (and we lived in a trailer house, the worst place you can be), so i don't really panic.  Honestly, i usually sleep right through the storm.  I don't track the radar and i cant tell you the difference between a warning and a watch. 

Skippy once thought it would a good idea to buy weather radios for everyone in the family.  You can program those things for everything, even amber alerts (which i think that he did).  He thought it would be neat to put it in the bedroom, on the highest setting.  Are you kidding me?  I finally told him that the next time that thing woke me up out of a dead sleep for a frost warning, it was going to end up in the back yard. 

Anyway, my brother sent me a text the other day after a huge amount of tornadoes went through a nearby state and told me that he would keep his earthquakes and fires.  I told him that he was being a wuss, earthquakes and fires effect everyone.  Tornadoes are able to jump, so they may destroy your neighbors house, but yours could be just fine.  Like anyone else that hasn't dealt with storms their whole life he didn't see the mystic. 

I had an ex that my blase attitude just killed, he swore that when i am almost in a tornado that i would stop acting like it was no big deal.  All i know is that i have lost enough sleep over worrying about things that could or could not happen.  I think that i have maxed out my worry card. 


I had a lady come in yesterday and she was commenting on my recent divorce and she said that she too had just gotten divorced.  She said that she wished that all of the times that someone she knew was getting divorced that she would have reached out and supported them more.  She commented on how hard that it was. I felt bad later, thinking that i should have reached out to her, that was her request for help and i didn't.  I guess that i have always stayed in a marriage until there were no more alternatives and i had given all that i could give that i just took the lessons that i learned and moved on.  It is also probably helpful that this is my second divorce and both times i really had no other choice. 

I had someone ask me today why we got divorced and i usually would have said that it was because we never consummated our marriage, but i decided that there was no need to bring that into the equation.  I realized that it has only been four months (feels like a lifetime) but i had difficulties talking about what our issues were.  I finally settled on that my husband was unable to support my needs.  You think that would be so easy to fix.  You cant make someone give you what they don't have.  I thought that i had been so smart during our courtship, we discussed financial issues, we made plans for the future.  I just ended up feeling punked when we were unable to have a family, then the communication broke down and i felt like a nagging wife.  I suppose that i will never understand why my ex refused to allow me to help him.  I do know that now, i have a need to feel helpful to my partner.  I suppose that is why i always wanted a partnership. 

I took from my first marriage to always pick your battles.  My second marriage has taught me to be fiercely protective of relationships and not allow other people in, don't talk about your issues, and don't devalue your man in someone else's eyes. 

recognizing the defining moment

Not a huge bradgelina fan, but I love the fact that in the defining moment of their relationship he realized that he had the power to change the inertia of their relationship. Most people aren't this observant.
Wise words. Brad Pitt about his Lady:

"My girl got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constan...tly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get separated soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the MOST Beautiful Woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it."

-Brad Pitt

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Letting go of the narcissism

never say never.

when i ran for office, i swore that i would never go to another pie auction.....what did i get to do tonight?  go to a pie auction and campaign, kinda.  I didnt mind going, it was just all of the feelings that it brought back.  the feelings of unforgiveness.  i had one girl who worked for me and she said horrible things about me and was just hateful.  i still resent her for that and today i realized that i just need to let it go.  there is no need to rehash old things.  i am in a much better place then i would have been if i had won, it would have been Office Depot all over again.  hoping for someone to pull the knife out of my back.

today and yesterday were odd.  chester sent me a text last week with a picture of the dog he took when he left, saying that he missed him momma and was going to come and see me next week.  he came in yesterday and bought two bags of dog food then tried to call me last night.  i didnt hear the phone ring.  i sent him a text and asked if he was bringing the dog in today, that i had made an appointment for him and had Buckley all set up in the computer under his name.  he said yes, he came in and showed me the dog, took him to grooming, asked a few questions about treats and left.  then came back about the same time i was going to lunch with my man.  i walked out and held his hand as we left.  he said that made him feel very special because his ex would never have done that.  my thought process being that i am divorced and if you have to hide something then you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.  the thought then dawned on me that i am sure chester is happier without me as i am happier without him.

yesterday when he came in one of my employees wanted to know if she could hit him up for $100, i told her she wasn't young enough.  later, i said that maybe that was what tripped his trigger because it was obvious that i didn't do it for him.  i have finally gotten to the point that doesn't make me feel less than because of it.  i learned a lot during that marriage and i too think that i got involved for my own selfish reasons.  i wanted to feel important and chester sure did make himself seem important.  i also know that you cannot expect people to treat you differently than they treat other people.  you can expect some slight variation but not much, if he is rude to people in his life, he will be rude to you as well.

oh dear, let us pray that i am finally over the narcissist.