Thursday, May 30, 2013

tornado alley

i realize that i have lived in tornado alley too long.

i get up this morning and see there was severe thunderstorm watch and a tornado warning last night.  i got up once to go to the bathroom in the night and knew that it was storming really bad, thought how nice the rain sounded and crawled back in bed to go back to sleep.  i live less than a mile from the tornado siren, but you really cant hear it at my house, probably something to do with the wind. 

it is probably the only useful thing that butch taught me, he never was concerned about storms.  we lived in the country, there were no sirens, once his friend called and said there was a tornado heading straight for us and he hung up the phone and rolled over going back to sleep.  we lived in a trailer house, the only place that could be worse is your car, maybe he figured that there was no where to go so why bother. 

the mean drunk would get so angry with my whatever attitude about tornadoes.  he would tell me that i will stop being so careless when i almost get hit by a tornado.

when the f4 hit okc in 99, butch was freaking out trying to call me, because it was heading down the highway straight towards my apartment and he knew i would sleep right through it.  he called mother, she had become tired of watching the news about the storm as well and was watching a movie.  he was aggravated with all of us.  i was at my boyfriends and my roommate was at work. 

i have become immune to the pictures of the devastation and have spent too many sleepless nights worrying, that i just now would rather have a good nights sleep, wake up the next day refreshed and let god handle the rest. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

crystal ball

yesterday i thought that i would be super cool and try to stop a pallet racing down the back of the truck with my leg power....using my leg that has been cramping for the last few weeks.  Needless to say it didn't go well.  i spent yesterday afternoon in minor emergency and had a doctor tell me that i just had a really bad charlie horse.  ice for 72 hours and wrap it up.  i am actually impressed at how well it felt today.  i am just stiff legged when i walk and i don't walk too fast. 

found out that one of my ex employees went to jail this weekend for assault and battery.  the first time that i met him, he had just moved here so he could go to the VA hospital.  he was at Wednesday night service at our church.  he was really friendly.  he worked for me during breaks at school.  he is an addict and had finally came out of the closet.  i am not sure how he is doing with the whole religion thing since he was very involved with the church.  it had been rumored that he was drinking and one of his friends is scared that he had stopped taking his meds or worse yet still taking them while drinking.  i am hoping that he can claim some sort of psychiatric condition and get the help that he needs and hopefully this is the wake up call he needed. 

it only makes you wish that you had the wisdom to pull out your crystal ball and tell yourself how your life is going to end..........i am afraid that i have known for too long 

perception is reality

there is a story they tell of two dogs
both at separate times walk into the same room,
one comes out wagging his tail
while the other comes out growling
a woman watching this goes into the room to see what could possibly male one dog so happy and the other so mad
to her surprise she finds a room filled with mirrors
the happy dog found a thousand happy dogs looking back at him
while the angry dog saw only angry dogs growling back at him
what you see in the world around you
is a reflection of who you are. 


during my freshman year in high school we had received so much rain that all of the surrounding lakes were in or over flood stage.  it seemed as if it had rained every day for practically 40 days and 40 nights.  i was getting off the bus one morning and i fell as i came down the steps and my books went floating down the little river.  i was trying to pick them up and looked at the guy behind me to help me.  he just kept going.  i wasn't really that nice to him so i am not sure why i expected him to stop and help me.  i suppose i thought he would stop because i was cute.  you would have thought that would have taught me to treat people better in order to get them to help you.  it didn't, i was so insecure in high school that i tore everyone down in order to make myself feel better or to make myself look better. 

i still carry that with me these days and i cannot stand it.  i am at my heaviest and i keep on gaining.  i look at other women and i think "well, at least i am not that fat".  really, why do i think that this is a competition.  why do i think that i can eat my feelings away or just continue to eat so that i can feel something that feels good. 

i have to find the happy medium.  i downloaded a calorie tracker so i can keep track of what i am eating.  i did really well with that in the past, but i cannot become a calorie Nazi.  i am always to one extreme or the other and i cannot stand it. 

kingdom of god is goodness, peace, and joy.  oh, how i would love to know all of those things for any length of time. 

faster than the speed of gossip

It has been a nice few days off.   I better enjoy them because school starts back on the 2nd.  I will realize how easy I had it this last semester.   No finals,  no tests,  and no lectures.  
One of my problem children gave their notice today.   I am not sure what he has been waiting for,  except he did manage to make his direct supervisor upset with the "no one does anything so why should i" comment.   
I think gossip travels faster than the speed of light. A guy that used to work for me was seen on a the local mug shot website for petit larceny.  I asked one of the girls I used to work with when I bought my new phone.  Two days later one of his coworkers is at my store asking me if I had fired him for stealing.  Uh, no.   then the guy just followed me around telling me about his wife losing their baby, how immature she was, and a few other things that i am sure she would rather keep private.  i don't know if he was looking for a friend, a confidant, or a date.  i am really not interested in any of the above. 
i did borrow trouble asking about it in the first place. i did always think that the guy was a little shady.  i thought that it would be incredibly sad for him to lose his job over stealing something with a baby at home. 
why do i always feel the need to gossip??? 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

being done

I was suppose to go and meet friends last night, but this week has just taken it out of me.  I was in bed and asleep at 7:30.  the entire world could have burned down and I don't think I would have noticed.

I have been dealing with my stuff, my marriage stuff, and trying to get my personnel back on track. I feel as though I am one breath away from losing it all.  not in my usual i don't want to not be in control behavior.  not even my waiting for the other shoe to drop way.  i am starting to build confidence in my ability to handle whatever situation comes my way.  i have even started to walk directly into conflict instead of shying away.  i just don't have the patience for it and i am going to tell people politically incorrectly what exactly is on my mind and it will probably get me in trouble.  i have become tired of sparing my feelings for someone else.  what i have really become tired of is the people who exploit this character flaw of mine.  i am sick of people who take advantage of me period. unfortunately, people do not like change and they will fight it every step of the way. 

my little drama queen, actually she is more like chicken little has spent two days trying to figure out how to get me to take her disciplinary notice out of her file.  approaching me at the end of a long week is not the best time to discuss this, maybe she thought that i would be too tired to have the discussion with her and would just give in.  she thought wrong and hopefully she got the hint that talking about this again would not behoove her.  the problem is my people do not get the fact that i am done playing games with them.  i have told them this, but they refuse to listen for some reason.  i am having group interviews on Wednesday. i am going to hire at least two people and the rest of these people who insist on bringing chaos to my life can take their little selves somewhere else and cause havoc. 

they will have wished they paid more attention to me when i told them that i am done. 

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I had someone tell me once that I created the situation so I would have to live through it and it made me very mad.

this week has been too much, Thursday was a total waste.  I pretty much stayed in my office from the time I got to my store until the time that I left.  I gave three write ups and documented a discussion that I had with an employee a couple of days earlier. 

I hate having to be politically correct when disciplining employees.  I hate the employees who try and act as if they don't have a clue what they are doing wrong.  I have an employee who is lazy as the day is long and everything is semantics.  I just want to choke him out.  in his eyes no one does anything so therefore it seems reasonable that he does nothing either. he wants me to fire him, but then when he thinks that I am going to he calls human resources.  maybe he is just bipolar or has grand dreams of suing for wrongful termination. 

my drama queen.  she is the one who doesn't violate policy directly, because unfortunately there isn't a policy to not be an a hole.  then she wants to discuss it for a week  today it was "whose decision was it to write me up"... "mine".  well, what I said that was insubordinate I said while I was walking out the door and not on the clock.  yes, after you made a smart remark that made the manager on duty send you home early.

her issue is that she was the one that started all of the gossiping and now everyone wants to come to her and complain.  I told her that she is on the one that started this cycle and she would have to be the one to find a way to make it stop. 

I went next door and the poor manager was telling me that everyone had quit....I told her I couldn't be so lucky. 

Thursday, May 23, 2013


as my friend would say "I am just outdone"

I have been asked and bullied to not put certain life situations in my blog. 

this is my space to work out the things that I need in my head and I originally thought that sharing it would bring a better understanding of my baggage.  I know that this blog has morphed into different things on different days and most days I wished that I would have just kept it a secret. 

I was really looking forward to tomorrow, to hopefully being part of a team in order to have a better future.  I am sad that I may just lose my bet and not even make it to two sessions. 

for once in my life I would like for someone to do something for me because it is in my best interest. 

I get that a relationship is about two people making compromises.  I feel as though I have made given up so much of what I needed, acted like it wasn't important, and learned how to smile through it all.  I am the queen of doing without. 

maybe this is god's way of having me stand on my own two feet. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


My therapist tells me i am full of rage....i don't like to be angry, it is being out of control.

Moore was hit was devastating tornadoes last night.  The local police department is taking donations.  I gathered a bunch of stuff to donate.  Nothing special, all of the toothbrushes and toothpaste you get from the dentist.  The soap my husband couldn't use because it broke him out.  The freebie stuff i get from clinique during bonus days.  I asked my husband if he could take it, his reply was he didn't know if he was getting out today.  I don't know if that means he is taking the day off or if he just doesn't plan on leaving his office.  I ask if i should just take it, he says that he will if he gets out today. 

The rage is coming.  My patience is gone and i am seriously thinking i should stay somewhere else until this process is complete. 

I know that my rage at him is displaced.  I am actually mad at Butch for not being there, for every guy who couldn't lift their pinkie for me. 

If i bring this up to him, he will get stuck on the topic of it is just a bag of toiletries and will never see the issue of i needed him to do something for me and he couldn't be bothered. 

Monday, May 20, 2013


one summer I was with my mother and I had food poisoning.  I don't think that I had ever felt so bad in my life before that weekend.  she had a party, another couple came over and I just laid in the spare bedroom wondering when someone would come and check on me, take care of me.   I think she finally did once, barely paying attention to the fact that I was sick.  I don't even think that she offered to bring me anything to make me feel better.

I had the glorious idea once that I wanted to ride a horse.  my best friends mom had horses and after she spent hours running them in circles, we both got on to ride.  we did fine, until my best friend decided to take a picture, the flash freaked out the horse and it started bucking.  I made it through the first and second buck, but fell off the third.  my hip still hurts at times.  I could barely walk that weekend.  I don't think anyone ever offered to take me to get an xray to make sure I was okay.  I spent that weekend with my mother and had such an issue getting up and down off the toilet, that I had to use the towel bar, well it came out of the wall.  my dad noticed it somehow and fixed it without telling my mother.  he said that he wasn't sure how I managed to rip it off the way and I never bothered to explain. 

I got that I was damaged which is why I never had children, it would have been nice if my parents would have figured that out and did the same. 

Exit strategy

Life is ironic

Therapist told me today that i needed to stop waiting for someone to rescue me.  I think i am getting this lesson a lot quicker than she thought i would. 

I was told today that if therapy was going to put me in a bad mood that i just shouldn't go.  "i was in a good mood until" i got back from therapy.  I am so sorry that my getting better is inconvenient for you.  There will be no rescuing for me today.

Marriage counseling starts on Thursday and i am curious as to how long before i hear that isnt working either.  My therapist agreed that i should exhaust all possibilities before exercising my exit strategy. 

changing dialogue

today went well, she didnt tell me anything that i didnt already know.  knowing, acknowledging, and internalizing though are very different things.

i keep expecting to get things that i need from other people, when i need to figure out how to supply the things that i need to myself. 

i desperately want someone to catch me when i fall (as if i would every allow myself in a position for that to happen) when i need to realize that i am strong enough to pick up myself

jon told me that "it was a beautiful dream that we could save each other, but deep down we both know we have to be able to save ourselves before we would be any good to each other".  i have been that woman waiting for some man to ride up on a white horse and rescue me.  not to put me away in a castle where i wouldnt have to work anymore.  a man to fulfill all of my emotional needs, to fill that hole that didnt get filled when i was a child.  i used to tell the mean drunk that he needed to be an emotionally safe place for me to be, but he didnt have it to give. 

i have spent my lifetime expecting men to save me and picking men (who were like butch) that couldnt possibly fill that role. 

i have used the excuse that if i left one relationship i would only go out and find another dysfunctional one to be a part of, joking that my love life has always been a train wreck. 

i have to stop trying to prove to the world that i am good enough and just accept myself as being good enough. 

i still feel like that nine year old child of divorce living with a womanizing man in a small town that everyone looked at with such pity in their eyes.  never feeling important enough, i couldnt depend on butch to be there for me.  i would want to cry when he would forget to pick me up from places and when i would mention the hurt, he would tell me that it was BS.  i picked men that treated me the same way. 

i have to stop looking for this emotional validation from men, they arent my father, and they arent going to be able to mend my childhood.  they wont ever be able to fill this hole in my heart.  i am going to have to stop this negative self talk that i got from my parents, my exes, and everyone else in my life that made me feel less than and create a new dialogue. 

what normal looks like

today is my first day of therapy and my homework is to be able to describe what i think normal looks like (aka, when i know i am finished with my therapy). 

i don't want to feel damaged anymore
i want to be able to trust myself to make decisions and not rely on other people's opinions
i want to not be afraid to be happy, to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop
i want to know how to set, keep, and enforce healthy boundaries
i would love to have a healthy relationship
i need to know how to stop filling this whole inside myself with food, money, stuff, etc
to stop killing myself overachieving to stop feeling as though i am lacking
stop feeling less than because i cannot live up to my mothers standards and get that look of  disappointment and disgust out of my head when my house is dirty

people always stare at me and i think i must have sat in something, my fly is down,  i start doubting my outfit and my ability to pull it off with my weight gain, or i shouldn't be wearing red lipstick

i ask my husband why people are staring at me and he says it is because i am beautiful............i think it is because they know how damaged i am

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Full moon?

today is my Friday and I am very thankful

this must have been a full moon this week, last phone call yesterday was someone who was painting and their bird "escaped" from their cage, flew into the paint pan, and when they washed the bird in water the feathers started falling out

first phone call today...I saw a guinea pig yesterday, it was black and white....can you tell me if it was a male or a female...I go over and look and there are at least a dozen guinea pigs in the cage with a few being black and white. 

I am starting my first therapy session on Monday.  I think that the most difficult part is going to be taking off the mask of everything being okay and not that big of a deal in order to get through the pain to deal with the situations.  I am so scared of being out of control.  I have worked so hard to stuff all of these feelings down and to project some kind of normalcy to the outside world.  I do know that the façade is breaking and I cant do this anymore.  When the pain of holding on is more than letting go.........this is the point that I am at. 

I have been able to sleep this week.  I have been able to face confrontation head on, which is a really nice change.  I am not a confrontational person and that makes doing my job almost impossible.  I have been able to say exactly what is on my mind and that has been so freeing.  I think that it has caught people off guard, but I cant afford to hold it in any longer.  

Thursday, May 16, 2013

thank goodness tomorrow is friday

this week has sucked the life out of me

I had to take an extra day off for optimist club.  went to my meeting on Wednesday at 6:30 where the mayor spoke.  he was speaking about having bicycle lanes in town and our president suggested that we have "wheelchair lanes".  I had to point out that wheelchairs are not street legal 

then on Wednesday my boss asked for a list of tasks that needed to be reduced and one colleagues sent in an email that I do believe I am stupid for reading it.  It reminded me of an answer that someone would give to an essay question when they had no clue what the answer was. 

today our clubs president decided to have a meeting for a bike rally that he wants to have in 3 months.  my husband showed up and read the bylaws telling him in no uncertain terms that he couldn't hold any kind of meeting without three days notice in writing signed by a third of the board members. 

I went to the dentist today and had my new tooth put on, my gums were quite tender and the process stunk.  it did give me a good excuse to leave the meeting tonight.

my boss decided to show up today and so I got to run around like my head was cut off this morning....I didn't help any because I still didn't get a hundred on my animal walk....killing me

then the girls had a guy show up in the salon furiously scratching his head wanting to know if it were possible that he had mange. 

dear lord, please make tomorrow better. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

strange days indeed

today i went to the success expo for the optimist club

i sat across from a machine that you could pay $2 to feel what it would be like to be in a hurricane...i thought, do people really pay two dollars and why didn't i think of this?

today was a people watching day.  they guy next to me had a booth for a temp service.  this girl in her late twenties walked up and was inquiring about work while filling her bag with the free goodies had on an outfit that would be appropriate for a nine year old.  Shelly and i decided that every outfit should have a skull and crossbones hair bow.  i thought the striped knee socks really made her look professional. 

another lady had on platform heels that were a challenge for her to walk in, the only thing that was missing was the blinking lights in her heels.  thank goodness she didn't have to sit down because i am sure that her dress would have exposed her private area. 

my fellow club member asked me if i would take him to get something to eat, i agreed, then when we got there he asked me if i had any cash.  i guess no one can take advantage of you without your permission.  i didn't even get any change back.  i did get to smell long john silvers all the way back to his house.  i shouldn't complain it did motivate me to go to the car wash, which i desperately needed.
i had to stop at the store for milk and get gas.  when i was done, i noticed my mother so i rolled down the window and said hi....she was looking for her keys.  i put my car in park and helped her, they were in the seat.  i gave her a hug, told her i loved her, made sure she was safely in her car and left.  i am not sure if i would rather she drive or my mother in law. 

i came home and made four batches of brownies to go to people as thank you gifts. 

it is ironic that the other day, my husband and i drove past a car wash that i had once locked mothers keys in her car.  i remembered it and i also remember how mad she was at me. 

so angelina jole had a double mastectomy to prevent having breast cancer....she has zero percent body fat and like no boobs, so i find this weird. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013


Forgive, it is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. Forgive everybody, just forgive it.  I remind you that we ask the creator to forgive,  our stupidiest actions, our cruelest mean, mean hearted things, forgive me.  You forgive and it relieves you.  It relieves you from carrying that resentment.  You really are lighter, you just drop that.  Then you are free to have some ambition of some sort.  The biggest liberator is love, but actually it is forgiveness.  You can't forgive without love, i don't mean mush, i mean having enough courage and say i forgive, i am finished with it.  I had to think of what i had done to other people and see how i had been forgiven.  Whatever i have done, i have been forgiven.  I have to get (at least) to a place where i can forgive.  I don't forget and i will not put myself in a place where that can be done to me again, but i understand.
Maya Angelou

refuse to settle

a family of swallows teaching their young to fly

mother and father gather all three babies on a dead tree branch four feet above the water.  mother pushes the first bird off and the bird starts to flap its wings and learns to fly.  mother pushes the second bird off and the bird stretches it's wings out and flies as well.  the third bird wasn't going to be pushed off the dead branch, it held on to the branch and ended up hanging upside down.  mother started pecking at the birds feet until the bird could no longer stand the pain and let go to learn to fly. 

you will stay in a situation until the pain becomes so unbearable that you will let go of something dead to learn to fly.

I fear that I am losing my soul.  I have had this feeling once before and the story is right, I will stay until the pain is worse than the discomfort of leaving.  I am calling tomorrow to see if I can get counseling for my marriage. 

I have learned that you should never have to apologize for how you feel and that other people do not have the right to tell you that your feelings are wrong. I never expected for someone else to place the same amount of importance on something that I do, but I do ask that you don't discount it. 

I know that I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I become easily hurt.  I thought that I had picked better and that my partner would handle my heart and feelings gently.  I believe that I am unrealistic in my expectations, but since I have spent a lifetime adjusting my expectations to what other people were willing to give me, I refuse to anymore.  this is the baggage that I carry with me now and unfortunately I think my marriage will fail because of it, but I don't think that I should settle for any less. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

the groove baggage

i finally feel as though i am getting my groove back

i went and got a proper hair cut yesterday and added streaks.  today, i treated myself to a pedicure, it has been almost a year since i had a pedicure.  i picked up two pairs of sandals as well.  it felt so nice to treat myself.  i haven't done anything like this since last summer. 

it makes me so sad to think of how i have lost the last year of my life to depression. 

my shoulder still hurts, but i have stopped clenching my teeth as much, i have begun to laugh more and has been so much more focused.  i can see that my team is more productive.  i have started having the tough conversations that i would have walked away from before, because i wouldn't have had the energy.

tomorrow is mothers day and i cant stand it.  my mother and i could not be much further apart and having to deal with her and her horrible behavior makes me want to check out.  i don't want to act in a false manner.  my dad says "like her or not she is your mom. when you live a long life and upon your death you will die indebted to her for your life".  i just cannot subject myself to her abuse.  i feel as though i am the only that walks away with any baggage from the interaction.....lord knows i don't need any more of that.

Friday, May 10, 2013

crackhead day

today was crackhead day....

I had a guy come in and want to speak with the manager.  he says that he worked on the air conditioner and hadn't been paid yet.  I asked him if he had been dispatched by corporate.  yes, Debbie from corporate.  Debbie said that I had never sent in the invoice.  I don't send in invoices.  he says 'then how am I suppose to get paid".  I say "you are suppose to send in the invoices".  now, keep in mind the whole entire time this conversation is taking place, the tweeker wont stay still.  I am having to play ring around the rosey with a table.  one time he plants himself behind a sign and I have to peer around the sign to see him.  crackhead.

couple has a "cool fish" and want to know what else to put with fish?  turns out it is a cichlid (extremely aggressive).  I felt as though I was playing "whose on first".  can I get this fish, yes, but your fish will eat it.  what about this fish, yes, but your fish will eat it.  by the time the conversation was over, the fish was a chinchillafish and they bought 3 fish that will now be dinner. 

i started my new meds today, i am so looking forward to feeling somewhat is amazing how a good nights sleep will make that happen.

i told my fish person, i wouldn't be able to do her job, people just irritate me.  my husband replied that everyone annoys me these days, especially him.  i cannot stand the sarcasm from him, it is rude and disrespectful.  i have told him this and he continues to do it.  yesterday, i told him i had a meeting sunday morning.  his reply was, well, am i suppose to be here.  as if he could care less.  that was just rude and stupid.  i am sorry, i just thought you might like to know where your wife was, he said that he probably wouldn't notice because he would be asleep. 

he then told me he had a dentist appointment this morning and i wanted to say, "do you need me to hold your hand". 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

misdiagnosis for everyone

Yesterday my department manager wanted a sandwich from subway, he sent Liz next door and she came back empty handed.  apparently there is a guy there that is the worst sandwich maker EVER.  I am thinking that it is a sandwich, two pieces of bread, some meat, vegis, and a dressing...viola.  how can you mess that up.  liz walked up to the door and the guy was standing outside smoking a cigarette and she asked if he was the only one there and he said yes, she just turned around.  I am still bewildered at how you can mess up a sandwich that bad.  I am not a big subway fan, I figure I can eat a sandwich at home for free and I am especially not leaving my house to drive to get a sandwich that I can make at home for free and not have to take off my bathrobe. 

I called my psychiatrist today.  she is changing my antidepressant and seemed to be really shocked that I had stopped my other meds with no negative side effects.  I told her how amazing it is to function on a full nights rest. 

it was amusing at my first appointment she asked me if I had ever felt suicidal.  I told her that would take up way too much energy and would probably mean that I would have to get out of bed.  they did a blood test and she sent me the results yesterday.  she said that the toxicology report was in line with all of the medications that I said that I had been taking.  i am sure they see lots of people with dependency issues.  they also asked me if I had ever bought prescription medications off the street.  uh no, you have obviously not met my old shrink.....all the pill heads love him. 

they have my niece on meds for ADHD....i wonder if she has been misdiagnosed as well. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

the mirror

I have this little ticker on the side of my blog that tells me where people are from that visit my blog.  it is nice to see that people are checking on me, keeping up with me, and surprising to see visitors from Moscow. 

I started this blog to really purge my head and my heart from all of this baggage.  it turned into a place to rant about my marriage.  for almost a year, it has become a broken record of how exhausted I was and how my depression was sucking the life from me. 

it amazes me how much momentum my blog has gathered and I am thankful for the people who check in on me and allow me into their day.  I am honored. 

hopefully, it is akin to a one way mirror that allows me to feel close without getting close enough to hurt the people in my life that I truly care about. 

know that I am always thinking of you and I love you. 


I am in love....with my new psychiatrist. 

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and mild depression.  I take 5mg of klonopin three times a day and I don't want to kill people anymore.  bonus, I actually sleep at night.  I was up at five am to get ready for my meeting and go pick up steve.  he didn't have to call me and wonder where I was, I was at his house at 6:17 and we were at the meeting before 6:30.  I cannot tell you the last time I was able to get out of bed without hitting the snooze for at least 30 minutes and then I would be exhausted, running around like I was crazy because I was late.  I feel like a functioning member of society.  is this how normal people feel? 

unfortunately for my people, I am very focused.....lots of to do lists.

my therapist asked me to be able to describe what I would feel like when our sessions are over, so that we will know that our work is done.  I liked that, it seemed very organized for me, unlike people who go to therapy for decades. 

I feel damaged and broken.  I suppose at the end of my therapy I would like to not feel damaged and broken.  I would like some self worth so that  I can stop killing myself being an overachiever to make up for my self deficiencies.  I would like to accept what I deserve not what people are willing to give me. 

we were talking about my childhood and how I always felt like a burden to my parents.  I also understand as an adult that they were just two damaged people with their own issues trying to make it in the world.  she said something about children being egocentric, wanting all the focus to be on them and I interjected with "that is the way that it should be" and she agreed.

I spent so much of my life with people who made me feel as if I did something for myself that I was being selfish.  I heard so many times from butch that "the world did not revolve around me".  it was so nice to hear my therapist say to me that the only way that she would do therapy with me weekly was if I promised to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  it was so nice to have someone tell me these things and I don't even have to feel guilty about it, it was like my get out of jail free card. 

random thoughts

there is a spider living in my closet and has been for weeks.  there is a time this would have absolutely freaked me out, he isn't really big, he is one of those small hairy ones, not the jumpy ones with the white spot on their back, just a regular spider.  i thought about sicking the Fred on him, i called her in my "kitty, come kill the spider" call, but it was early and she ignored me.  i thought about taking my empty fruit cup and turning it over, trapping the spider inside until i got home, then fred could eat the spider.  i thought that was really cruel, so i just left him. 

i am wondering how fun living in a closet is for a spider, it is usually quiet and that i think about it, he has nothing to eat.  i have only seen one fly in the house and i am sure someone has already eaten it.  i am not sure if buckley is the fly catcher the dingo was, but the other three will can catch flys.  now i feel bad, i will have to save the spider the next time i see him, he must go outside where he will have a chance of finding something to eat. 

ugh, the second most hateful lady that i know came in today (the first one is dead).  i refused to wait on her.  she is cheap, she wants you to hold her hand, and wants everything for nothing.  yes, i know this is another lesson on forgiveness and yes, i failed.  i am hoping this lady never darkens my door again, but she probably will because bobbi gave her a deal. 

i was proud of myself yesterday for not gossiping.  one of my new hires came up to me and remarked that he was really good friends was someone who used to work for me.  i wanted to say, "yes, her and her boyfriend stole some laptops from me which caused my life to be a living hell".  then i thought nothing good would come out of that so i just went on with my life.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


"i want you in my arms, my life, and my bed" is the phrase that finally caught my attention

jon was someone from my past that i had met at the absolute wrong time in my life. i am so grateful that he was a part of my life.  he was so kind and loving at a time that i felt dead.  unfortunately, i wasn't so kind.  i believe that relationships have inertia, if you start off on the wrong path, you just continue that way.  i wasn't sure what to do or say the last time that we were together, it was just awkward.  i left feeling that i had taken a relationship that had made me once feel so special to making me feel cheap and i had used jon and didn't feel like such a great person. 

i was able to reconnect with jon years later.  thankfully, i had a clear mind but my life was still complicated.  once again we were in different places.  it was a beautiful dream that i wanted desperately

now, that the fog is lifting from my life, i am having vivid dreams.  i had a dream today that made my heart and body ache for jon. 

he had told me when he left my life that we needed to save ourselves, since we weren't able to rescue each other. 

tomorrow, i will start the road to saving myself. 

warning signs

i was able to sleep last night, but i had really weird dreams again.  i am beginning to see a theme, it seems to revolve around getting all of my stuff from one place to another.  friday night, it was getting it from my ex husband and having to deal with him.  last night, i had all of my stuff on a boat???  i think this is my emotional baggage that i have been carrying all of this time. 

i am concerned about digging up all of this stuff that i have spent so many years and so much food trying to keep it down.  ugh, one step at a time.  i cannot spend time thinking about it because i will become too overwhelmed and i will shut down.  i am 40, no wonder i am so exhausted, i have spent my whole life dragging this stuff around with me. 

the doctor kept asking me if i had been sexually assaulted and i was thinking as a child.  my friday night dreams were so kind to remind me about my ex husband.  the doctor asked me about panic attacks.  i used to have an overwhelming fear that i was going to die in a car accident.  at times it would be debilitating, i would have to talk my way through it.  i have a st christopher medallion hanging on my rear view mirror and have had it in every vehicle that i have driven for over a decade.  unfortunately, this fear started to grip me when i was driving to spend the holidays with my soon to be fiancees family.  red flag, that i shouldnt have married that guy. 



i have a sunday routine of taking the dogs to the donut shop.  i used to take paisely and she loved it, then Mr. B came along and he was too scared to get into the car, thinking i was going to take him and dump him, understandably.  i continued to take paisely, so that buckley would learn that getting into the car wasnt a death sentence.  now, i have created a monster, sunday morning is a circus.  the dogs are running and jumping as i am trying to get shoes, robe, and a coffee.  yesterday i changed up my morning routine, going into the kitchen first instead of taking a shower and the puppies thought they were going for a ride, it was chaos.  i am thinking that buckley will be my ticket to getting my butt out of bed, he gets so rambunctious that it might motivate me to take him for a walk. 

yesterday i received a phone call from a lady who found a weimereiner and she knew it was a family dog because it was really well taken care of, really friendly.....wait....this dog isn't black with white feet. no, thank goodness.  i had to tell her that i owned a black dog that was a runner and the lady that found him while i was on vacation said the exact same thing.  as i was leaving the store yesterday, the family found their dog and was getting a tag made for him.  i told the family that i was glad that they found their dog, turns out he scaled a six foot fence.  i told them i understood, because i had a weimereiner and if he sees a chance for freedom, he runs like a convict. 

i love people who are able to see the irony in a situation.  i have a very twisted sense of humor, it has probably saved my sanity many times.  i still think that the boston marathon bomber old brother was run over in a stolen car driven by his brother is too ironic.  i was listening to NPR about a guy who had written a book on the anatomy of murder, he does brain scans on serial killers to try and find a similarity.  he had been in turkey and was attacked, while he was in the hospital he heard music from a party nearby, they were playing the beatles "a hard day night"......i love irony. 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

long two months

i was really hoping that my new medication would help me sleep better last night.  yes and no.  the issue is that the adderall that i was taking is extended release, so my doctors aren't sure how long it will take for it to move out of my system and they feel as though this is keeping me from sleeping.  i woke up at 2 and was unable to go back to sleep until 4:30, then i had dreams about my ex husband....which left me feeling pretty crappy.  this made me wonder if i have the guts to stick with therapy and work through all of my issues. 

i spent my morning feeling irritated.  i had to open with the new guy, who has no sense of urgency.  it took him over three hours to open animals, which should only take two hours max.  i am not sure how the rest my management staff works with him, i would kill him. 

i went to the bank to get change.  when i got back, my parking spot was taken so i parked a few spaces over.  i finished listening to whatever on the radio.  my husband arrived to take me to lunch, we went across the parking lot.  i watched the guy that took my parking spot walk out with two carts and just leave them sitting next to my car.  i am like "lazy bastard.  if you are going to park at the end of the parking lot, you need to walk your lazy ass to the front with your carts or park closer". 

i watched an interesting documentary "queen of Versailles".  it starts out as a couple who are building the largest single family dwelling under one roof, then it goes through the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008 and how it affected this family.  i empathized with the husband feeling the weight of the world and his spouse was oblivious to the world around her.  case in point, she goes to walmart to buy christmas presents, one of her hired help keeps trying to talk her out of things, but she insists on a bike for her son.  they arrive home and walk through the garage which honestly housed at least fifteen bikes that looked as though they hadnt been rode in a long time, if ever. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

the doctor was in

i am so thankful that i was able to actually see my shrink today, she has spent an hour and a half with me and really took  a look at my medications.  i finally felt as though someone was paying attention to me and it was nice, different, unexpected, and a little unnerving.  she thinks my main issue is my anxiety and the stress of that is making me exhausted, unable to sleep at night.  she thinks that i suffer from depression, but mostly anxiety.  she asked me about childhood abuse, i told her that i didn't remember much from my childhood and she said that was normal.  she did suggest therapy which i start on monday and i am looking forward to that.  she was very confused as to the cocktail of drugs that i was taking and frankly so was i, i don't really think that they were doing anything for my mental health.  i now take an anti anxiety medication three times a day that will have more last effects to get me through the day and hopefully let me sleep through the entire night.

my neighbors grandson is here and he brought his boxers which is just driving my dogs crazy....which is making me irritated.  i want to kill my neighbor's grandson for bringing those dogs over every weekend, it is annoying.  the dogs are running from room to room, click, click, click.  if i let them out, all they will do is run up and down the fence barking at the dogs.  his dogs will try to rip the fence apart so they can get to my dogs.  i hope he realizes that if they succeed, he wont have dogs anymore. 

basically, everything makes me irritated these days. 

i did get to meet a nice couple today, they have been married for 35 years.  they met on a blind date and were married 3 days later.  he was a vietnam vet and had a purple heart award.  they were funny, he said the only reason that she married him was because she was in love with his bike.  i told him he better be careful, she might take that cane away from him and beat him with it.....they just laughed.  the world needs more people like this. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Have your “eyes light up” when you see your child (Maya Angelou).

i don't know if i have ever known what this felt like and i know that if i did, it wasn't consistent.  i realized this today and it made me sad.  this is probably why i always felt like a burden. 

the interviewer said that she had never seen this as a child either.  she had sought her validation through speaking at church and then excelling at school, she was always the first to have her hand up to answer a question.  i wasn't a very good student when i was younger, i did just enough to get by.  i wish i would have applied myself more.  i did however receive my validation from exceeding at work, now i know why i worked as if i had something to prove. i did, to myself.  i was always harder on myself than anyone else could be, hardly ever giving myself an exceeds on self reviews.  i always felt as if i should have given more. 

i had a lady call yesterday and speak to robert, she wanted to know if i was still the manager, yes.  she said that she had a bad experience with me and wouldn't be back.  years ago, this would have bothered me to no end, but now i think, she must have been really crazy for me to stand my ground and not give in to her issues. 

there was a post going around facebook right after the boston marathon bombings and i totally agree.  i don't care who the bombers were, don't cover them on the news, just catch them and sentence them.  do not give them one second of media attention.  i don't care what their issue is, what they are mad about, or why they feel justified.  convict them, anyone who knew, and tell everyone else who doesn't want to be in America or like Americans they are free to go back to whatever country that they were refugees from.  obviously, the older brother was a psychopath.  how can you as a father, build a bomb, and set it next to an eight year old child.  KARMA, you were ran over by your brother in a car that you stole.  i know this isn't very godly, but i am not feeling very godly right now. 

i probably shouldn't tell any of this to my shrink tomorrow or i may get committed (ahh, a paid vacation with some good meds...hopefully).  i had a history teacher in high school who said that he would volunteer his time to go to the local penitentiary and press the button to electrocute the convicts....i think we have always had lethal injection, but anyway. 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


i am not a good multitasker, even though i seem to do it a lot....i think it is just my ADD. 

i know that i am unable to talk on my cellphone and be a good driver.  i wish other people would be as realistic about their ability to drive and talk on the phone at the same time.  what really scares me is the people who are smoking a cigarette with one hand and talking on the phone with the other.  i don't get people and their need to be entertained all of the time.  i see it often, the minute someone gets in their car, they pull out their phone and start dialing.  i am so glad that i have bluetooth and no one can really hear me, so they don't talk long, so i use it often....LOL.  I am sure that i am missing something on NPR or oprah and people calling me is just wasting my alone time, so i just let the bluetooth annoy them so they will hang up. 

i have really gotten into looking at the local mugshots online.  i saw a guy i went to high school who was arrested for driving under suspension.  life has not been kind to him, but he did crack me up with his defiant looking mugshot, he had his head tilted back....either that or he was trying to disguise his double chin (it didn't work). 

my dad went out to his shop and the automatic garage door wouldn't open.  he was carrying his gun, so he just pulled it out and emptied the magazine into the door opener.  then to add insult to injury the door wouldn't open when he pulled the rope to disengage it from the opener, so he just drove his tractor through it (which i am finding quite hilarious now).  the guy came out today to install a new opener and i guess a new garage door, he is a vietnam vet and suffers from PTSD.  he is going to put the opener in his store, i imagine it will be a great conversation starter. 

it is too frigging warm here today, but tomorrow it is suppose to be cold and rainy.  i cannot wait, i love it when the weather is like that, i think it is because it fits my mood. 

today, i had an office assistant.  robert had to bring his cat and dog to work because they were spraying his apartment.  poor cat, we call him patches because someone poured Nair on him.  thankfully, his hair is growing back nicely and he just loves to curl up on the desk and help me send emails.  robert was concerned about how he was doing alone in the office, i opened the door to show him and patches was curled up on my chair.  this is the great thing about my job. 

i had horrible dreams last night.  i read this book about multiple personality disorders this weekend, it was really good.  it was written like a memoir and the gentleman ended the book with 24 different personalities, all stemming from abuse.  i really don't remember much of my childhood before moving from california and it always made me wonder if i was blocking something.