Monday, February 29, 2016

Changing the paradigm

This morning i was driving to work and i saw a father walking his daughter to school. I thought that it was really sweet and i smiled.

At one point in time i would've judged that man based on his appearance instead of seeing the beauty.

I was once told there is no talent in pointing out the negative. I was looking through Facebook last night. There was a video with a remark of how funny it was. It was a woman who was dancing, she was enjoying herself. I stopped watching it because I saw nothing funny about the video. She wasn't dressed trendy, she didn't have the most amazing dance moves, and she wasn't a size zero. Which i am sure what the person thought was so funny.

The next video (which i didn't watch) was the picture of a plus size woman in a bathing suit, standing at the top of a water slide. I am hoping the lady didn't voluntarily allow someone to video her but i am not sure that having someone videotaping her to begin with isn't worse.

I am a size 12 to 14. I have put on a few pounds lately due to my new chocolate addiction. I don't feel the need to beat myself up (swimsuit season will probably change my mind). I can guarantee i won't look like cindy crawford at the pool this summer either. I would hope that no one would be so cruel to post a video of me so others could laugh.

Sadly, i understand. I would've reposted something like that thinking it was hilarious and trying to make myself feel better about my weight.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Incapable women

I cannot fathom women who are not only incapable of doing things without assistance but who act as if they unable to learn.

I do understand that women once weren't expected to do anything other than raise kids, cook, clean, and look good. Women live longer than men. My grandfather died way too early but that was 20 years ago.

I see women way younger than act as if they are helpless. If you are cute and young, it works. When you get old it just looks desperate.

I don't think women should all know how to rebuild a car but having faith in their basic problem solving skills would make them not seem so pathetic.

I don't want to have to take care of everything in my life. I like that joe fills my car up with gas, opens the door, and orders for me at a restaurant. I also don't worry that he will leave this earth before me and i won't know how to do any of these things.

I had a woman today who couldn't even make a basic decision on a tag for her pet. I asked her if she needed me to input the information and she acted as if i couldn't expect her to follow the on screen prompts. I thought her brain was going to explode when i asked her what information she wanted on the back of her tag. I almost asked her if she was on medication. I hope she was because basic decisions were very tough for her. I can't imagine going through life struggling with the simplest tasks.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

How to be single

Yesteday was our date day. Wednesdays you can go to the Warren theatre for $5 a person plus a service fee. The director's suite is the way to go, reclining seats with seat warmers.

We went to see "how to be single" which was funny, had interesting dialogue. It was the kind of movie that would've made me sad that i didn't run off and be irresponsible when i was young. I would've wanted to be those free twenty year olds (not that my twenties were all that great).

Instead it made me so grateful for my husband, our home, and our life. My body reminds me that i am 43, my mind tells me that's okay.

For once i feel as though i have my whole life in front of me, i don't think my anxiety has ever allowed me to feel like this. I don't think my personal life ever made me feel like this. I have been married before but have no idea what married life feels like because i was always on a roller coaster ride.

I told joe last night that i didn't know what married sex felt like. Sex was always used as a weapon. My parents were from one extreme to another, butch tried to sleep with every woman to my mother who i think had sex once a year. Sex has always been used as a weapon. My 1st ex husband told me it was my duty. The narcissist didn't fulfill emotionally, so we stopped having sex, and i felt guilty when he found someone with less baggage and probably put out more. Then for years i had to be drunk to have sex. I didn't have to worry with Skippy because he couldn't get it up and then i figured out how to stop taking responsibility for his disfunction.

Joe and i have laughed so hard that i have peed my pants and he has cried. I get cranky and he doesn't take it personally. He has stood and let me cry at my mother's grave then hold me until i was ready to leave. I have never known anyone that has the ability to love as selflessly as my husband. I have never known what it is like to be in a relationship where i know that tomorrow he will be exactly as he is today. Sweet, loving, and mine.

I don't want the recklessness of my twenties. I will take the stability of our daughter, our home, and our life.

Monday, February 22, 2016

No more fight left

I am so tired of fighting.

I have fought with IT for months to get my scan guns fixed since Christmas. I waste 3 hours of my life every week trying to get them fixed.

My psychiatrist canceled my appointment on Thursday so i have been fighting with OU medical center to get my meds refilled.

My employees seem to think we are bffs and that they shouldn't come to work.

Rodney ran off and got married. I am tired of trying to get him to understand my feelings.

I spent my morning fighting with the ipad to place a customer order.

I had to send my dog trainer a message that her class was waiting. .....once again.

Monday, February 15, 2016

I had my pity party last night. Joe was so incredibly sweet, he just held me while i cried.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Then i woke up this morning and gave it to God.

I started to get back into my negative self talk habit. I don't want to be that person again. It took years for me to get out of that habit.

I know that the decision to exclude me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I cannot fathom having a big event in your life and not wanting to celebrate with friends and family.

I feel as though i made my feelings clear. The next move is his. I am not going to beg people to be a part of my life and love me anymore.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Thinking i was special

Last night i received a message from dana that her and Rodney were getting married today.

I thought it was inappropriate that the news came from dana and not rodney. So i told him that. He told me "Well that's just silly. We are here having fun and we decided that it is time we made our relationship right with each other and with God.  Moving forward with whatever life we have left. You have been part of my life since you were 12. I do not intend otherwise. You alone control the option to cancel such relationship."

Me "I wasn't wishing to cancel the relationship.  I want the exact opposite. I am telling you that being a part of your life is important to me. I would like to hear you are getting married from you."

"Our intent was to tell everyone at the same time. No one knew the exact date, place and time. You did know, because Dana told you a while back, that we would probably run off and get married. No date was set no invitations sent and this is how we wanted it to be. Even Cousin Fred doesn't know. No one at my office knows. Everyone will learn of it at the same time."

"I would like to think that i am just not anyone....Everyone isn't finding out at the same time. I suspect that the breedloves know. This is the person who you thought was responsible for killing one of your best friends. She knew before i did, this is my point. You don't see or feel things the same way i do. I would like for you to not discount my feelings anymore. I don't know what i did to make you shut me out of your life. I thought i was going to have to make you put your arm around me at the store the other day when before you would've done that freely."

It then dawned on me, he just didn't want me there. I spent most of my day in the negative self talk of "i just thought i was special".

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Homeless couple update

Update on the homeless people.  The guy came in today. When i asked where he had been, he said that his wife had given birth to her baby.

I ask what they are going to do now that they have a baby. He said that his wife was standing on the corner while she sent him to the store. I immediately ask if she was standing on the corner with the baby.

It seems as though she was a surrogate. I am asking why the surrogate wasn't paying for her medical bills, food, and housing? He was talking about getting assistance from the government. I then ask again why the surrogate didn't pay for her living expenses.

She was a surrogate for her bff.

Now i have questions. How was the baby conceived? How healthy was the baby considering she smoked, had little to no medical care, and not the best diet living on the streets.

I hope that i never have to know what it is like to live on the street carrying everything i own.