Saturday, November 30, 2013

life is full of choices

yesterday I spent time thinking about my sister and it hit me, she is never going to stop drinking.  I had made a comment about my eye glasses and that my prescription had changed.  She said that her prescription was wrong because she was drunk when she went and got her eyes examined.  I told her that I couldn't believe that they didn't send her home.  She said that they didn't know that she was drunk.  I told her that she wasn't fooling anyone.  I could smell it on her when I picked her up the day before.  She laughed about going to the eye doctor drunk, she wasn't acting embarrassed or shocked at her behavior.  I remember that is how my ex husband used to talk about his drug days, reminiscent.  Little did I realize that he was still on drugs. 

I called Butch last night and told him about what had happened. 

I then called her today and told her that I had spoken to him about the incident.  I told her that I didn't want to lose her, but if she continued to drink that she would die.  I pulled no punches today and was hoping that I could be the voice of reason.  Little did I know that I was another voice to add to the same song and dance that everyone else has participated in. 

One person I talked to yesterday told me that I needed to move her in with me.....uh, no.  I am just now digging myself out of a depression that I have had for the last 15 months.  I don't have good boundaries with people and especially not the master manipulator.  I am sure that is really killing her, that she isn't able to use her charm and good looks to get people to do what she wants them to do.  Most of her friends are gone because they are tired of dealing with the drama. 

It isn't my problem to solve and I am not going to compromise my mental health for someone who obviously doesn't want to get better. 

There was one ironic part to the conversation, she met a really nice guy......he works at the liquor store.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

diseases and being thankful

I just got home from my marathon thanksgiving.  I left my store yesterday at 2:15, came home to change, clean out the car and head to pick up my sister and niece.  I got my niece and her dog (my cat is bigger than her dog).  The dog has a cast before her sister dropped it and so it thumps through the house on our wooden floors. I started calling it thumper, my husband called it flea.  My 100lb weimaraner wanted to play so bad, but his paw was almost as big as that dog.  Paisely wasn't happy, she doesn't do well with change.  I got a great surprise this morning, my dad came and drank coffee with us and had lunch with us as well.  My mother called (I suppose she had just gotten up) and wanted him to bring her lunch.  I then loaded everyone back into the car to take them back home. 

I know that alcoholism is a disease/addiction, whatever you want to call it.   I really feel that at one time I really had an issue with alcohol.  Then I met my husband and he saved my life.  I then substituted it for shopping, eating, working and/or working out.  So, we showed up yesterday and my sister was drunk.  I hated that my niece had to see that, but I did have the opportunity to talk to my sister about it.  She said she knew it was wrong when she grabbed her keys and went to the liquor store, but she thought that she could have just one drink.  I told her that isn't going to be possible.  It is like the cookies on the snack shelf, if I open them, I won't be able to have just one.  I just cannot do it, I will eat the entire package, so I just cant have the cookies.  I can't even think about the cookies.

I am aware that we all have our own crosses to bear and I seem to have a few women in my life that are alcoholics.  I do know that it isn't my responsibility to fix them and I can only give advice based on my experiences.  I can see the sadness and loneliness in her eyes.  I know what that feels like and I would not want to wish that on anyone. 

I am fortunate to be in a place in my life where I am able to work on my issues, my insecurities, and the self defeating behavior that has hurt me so much in my life.  This is what I am thankful for today. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

still holding onto anger

It is amazing how much difference a year makes.  I was cleaning my office the other day, so that my sister had a clean place to stay for thanksgiving and I found my daily devotion book, it was left on August 20th.  I used to get up every morning, read my devotion and spend time in prayer.  Then my world went into this downward spiral of depression. 

I can actually say that I have had some good days lately.  I got up yesterday and cleaned house before my doctors appointment.  I have lost 25 lbs (which amazes even me).  My world is in a very different place than it was last year and I am very thankful.  I don't know if it is the meds or the therapy or both.

I am still trying to work through my issues.  I realized that I am still angry, hurt, and disappointed in the way that my husband treated me during our first two years of marriage.  I must get over this if I would like my marriage to work. 

I was talking to my sister tonight and she was talking about Butch.  He has been really helpful to her, it was funny one day my therapist asked me if it made me mad or jealous that he was helping her and the thought had never crossed my mind.  I was thankful he was doing something for one of us.  I just wish that he would help my aunt with my uncle.  I spent my entire life with him choosing a woman over me.  I get that he is married and that he must have some respect for that union, but for once it would be nice if he would choose family. 

I often wonder if Butch would act differently if my grandpa was still alive. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

cat wrangling and strange names

I have decided that since my dog doesn't want to listen I have officially given her a middle name, thinking that she will know that she is really in trouble.  I don't think that she received that memo because when I have started to use her middle name and call her "Paisely Renee" she continues the behavior that I am trying to get her to stop.  I really think that she is going deaf. 

My cats started sneezing earlier this week and now I have to give them a liquid antibiotic and eye drops.  So twice a day I have become a cat wrangler and they hate me for it.  I am not sure how many more ways I can psych them out and catch them.  Yesterday I was walking through the living room and was trying to act as if I didn't even see the cat standing in the floor, then I swooped down and trapped her.  I am suppose to give these eye drops four times a day and I am doing good to give them twice. 

My parents are now into the war of the roses.  My dad has moved out to the pool house because my mother sleeps all day and wants to start cleaning house, watching TV, and turning on all the lights when he needs to go to bed.  Now she has taken to calling me.  She called me Wednesday night to tell me that he cancelled her doctors appointment and would I take her.  Thursday night she couldn't get the mop to work.  Last night he was down graded to "the man that I am married to".  My poor dad. 

I watched a Spike Lee interview last night and he and his wife named their daughter "Satchel".  All I could think of was that she should be hanging out with Michael Jackson's son "Blanket". 

Just to show that there is someone for everyone.  Charlie Manson is getting married to a girl (she is in her 20's) he has named "Star".

Monday, November 18, 2013

turkey necks and death

today after my therapy session, I decided that I needed some retail therapy.  It probably doesn't help that the mall is right across the street from my therapist.  I can pull my pants down without having to unbutton them isn't a good thing either.  I was actually looking for some soft, thick sweaters, since the pants I like to wear have been discontinued and I am hoping to find some on the website.  I did notice that turtle necks are coming back in style.  I stopped and looked at one and then remembered that they made me claustrophobic.  As I walked away I heard two older than me ladies talking about how they didn't like turtle necks either and one responded that she didn't like them because the skin of her neck hung over the sweater.  I am not sure how I controlled myself from busting out laughing.  I did remember to put my night serum on my neck tonight so that hopefully I wont have a turkey neck when I get older.....

I tell people that I have a blog.  I am not sure when you cross the line from having a blog to be a blogger.  I was listening to an interview of a lady who is a blogger and if you have noticed I added her blog to my list.  I couldn't follow her because apparently you max at 5000 followers.......I wouldn't know.  I get excited when I get more than 50 people to read my blog in a day.  Thank you French person for reading, it makes me feel honored that someone oversees is interested in my little life.  Any who, most of her stuff is humor, but she did get into this discussion of how she fell into this depression and wanted to die.  She even had a plan, she was going to go and sit in a frozen lake and wait for hypothermia to set in.  I don't think that I am that dedicated to not being on this earth.  Then she hit me with, her depression lasted 19 months....really, I am a year into this and feel as though I have done my time. 

Therapy is interesting.  I so didn't want to go and see someone who would look at me and say "so, how do you feel about that?".  I can get that for free.  It is like going to the doctor for a major ailment and then remember two days later you should have told him about the pain in your back.  With therapy you can do that.  I used to wait for her to broach a subject and she usually does a recap, but now I go into the office with a topic...sometimes we get to it and sometimes we don't.  The good news is that I have next week and the week after that and the week after that.  I am still trying to process the conflicting messages I get from my head and my heart.  I love that she calls me on my BS.  She will say to me, I see that intellectually you get this, but I don't think that you get this on a emotionally level. 

I feel so bipolar at times, I suppose most women do, it is all of these hormones running through our body.  I can be so black and white at times and then see the shades of grey.  She told me today that I didn't respect my husband, she just slipped it into the conversation.  A few sentences later I had to go back to that statement.  It makes me think what respect is and what I do to disrespect him.  I disrespect my husband by talking about him behind his back, I don't think that he would ever do that to me.  I disrespect my husband by letting other people into our marriage.  I don't trust my husband with our money so I keep my own money.  I don't always trust my husband to do the things that he says that he will do.  This is probably my biggest pet peeve because it is the thing that I dislike the most about myself.  I dislike that he is willing to sacrifice my feelings to be right.  I can understand that though, there was a point that I had to always be right and I am still this way at times, but I have learned with my husband it is less energy to just agree.  Once again, I am letting other people into my marriage, so I think I will stop while I am ahead and just think on that interesting statement. 


My husband always tells me that my dreams are my subconscious trying to work out issues.  I keep having this dream about a guy that I dated when I was a sophomore.  I haven't seen him or talked to him since at least 1992. 

David was a really good guy and I treated him very bad.  I was too caught up in my low self esteem and he wasn't very popular that I would often break up with him because I was embarrassed of him. I wanted to be popular more than anything and he was an anchor. I just thought that if I became popular that I would be happy.  Unfortunately, he was collateral damage.  He soon became tired of the back and forth, and stop participating in my game.  I wanted him back.  I am not sure if it is because he was not there anymore or if it was because I genuinely realized what I had lost.  I just remember feeling black on the inside because I had treated him so bad. I am Facebook friends with his sister, but I don't know if she has put the two together because I am sure that she would not like for treating her brother so badly.  Then I remind myself that was 1987 and I am sure all parties except for me have gotten over it. 

I remember when my husband and I started dating I told my best friend that I had met my nerd.  The guy I could count on, the guy that would cherish me, and not treat me bad.

I know what it feels like to be treated bad so it really bothers me when I look at my past and know that I have treated some people who really cared about me like crap.  Then it makes me wonder if I chose the people who treated me bad because I felt like I deserved it.  Going back to that NIN song, I hurt myself today to see if I still feel....I focus on the pain....its the only thing that's real.  Pain I can do, I am very used to it.  Joy is hard, you can't really enjoy it because you know it will end and then the pain will come back. 

My niece had a post on Facebook the other day about feeling good and having anxiety about when it will end.  I wanted to stop time.  She is so much like me that it absolutely scares me.  I tried to send her an uplifting text about good and bad, you have to have the bad to enjoy the good, but when you have the good, enjoy it.  I so do not want her to go through all of the pain that I have the last 40 years.  I would walk through fire to keep that from happening. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

feeling better

I now know why I have NEVER had a puppy.  I just don't have it to give for the puppy phase, I own lazy animals.  Why, because I am lazy.  We offered to dog sit my in laws puppy.  I have never felt like such a bad person, that dog caused so much chaos in this house that I had to drug Paisely and  Chloe hid under the bed.  The only one that was sad to see her go was Bubba, he had someone to finally play with, they played for hours outside.  When Tiny wasn't outside she was in her crate.  I love animals but that poor puppy was more than any of us could handle.

I have had a long exhausting week.  I went to bed last night at 7pm and didn't get up until almost 7 this morning, good thing because we were busy today.  I had to run to the bank twice to get change and I still don't know if they will have enough to make it through the weekend. 

My assistant talked to me today about his sister.  The baby had become so active that it had twisted his umbilical cord too many times that there was no way for any nutrients to get to him.  The doctor went ahead and cut her tubes while he did the c section.  The doctor told her that if she had gone full term that she probably would have died, so my assistant was able to see the good in the midst of the bad.  It just reminds me that God always knows what is best.  I just need to learn how to listen better and be able to discern God's wants for my life with what I want for my life. 

I went on the second bank run and there was a new homeless guy standing on the corner.  I watched as he limped his way to collect something from someone.  When I left for the day, I gave him $5 which is totally against how I feel about these people.  Something told me to give him the money, so I did.  Maybe I got taken, maybe I didn't but I felt good about the gesture. 

There was a little boy with a terminal disease, he wanted to be batman.  So an organization made his wish come true.  Hundreds, thousands of people came to watch him save a lady before she was hit and killed by a trolley.  My husband almost cried while telling me about it, he was amazed that all of those people came out to support this child and his dream. I responded with maybe they needed it as much as the little boy did. 

We all need something in our lives that makes us feel better. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013


my assistant's sister is pregnant and they found out that the fetus isn't viable, she must be about 4-6 months pregnant and they were going to do a c section today.  I can't even imagine what that must feel like. 

I never know what to say in situations like that "sorry for your loss" sounds so hallmarkish.  I will pray for you, which I do, but saying it sounds so corny.  I found out that one of my neighbors lost her husband and as I was driving around the dogs one Sunday I saw that she was having a garage sale.  I almost stopped but then I was struck with "what do I say?". 

God made the Israelites wander around the wilderness for 40 years to teach them to trust and learn to lean on him.  I know that you have to go through the bad to enjoy the good.  The more that I am tested the more I learn to stop trying to control everything because I cant. 

In this last year I have learned so much.  I am human, I make mistakes.  I have learned to let go of things and people that only leave me feeling bad.  I actually told myself that I was smart and beautiful.  I am not sure that I have ever done that and actually believed myself when I said it.  My motto was always fake it until you make it.  If you acted confident then people would perceive you that way.  As tempted as I am at the time, gossip only brings the negative into your life, and I don't want people to gossip about me.  I have learned to pray for my enemies, no matter how bad they talk about me.  I have learned that their opinions aren't worth beating myself up for.  Employees will come and they will go, if they leave, they will say bad things about me, but I am not there to be their bff or their therapist.  I am there to run a business and sometimes we just don't have the same vision about how that should happen.  Conflict doesn't always have to be ridden with strife.  As I was told last week, managers should NEVER scream.  oops. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

sex and intimacy

flying in and out of Dallas for a meeting during the middle of the week, really made the rest of my week exhausting.  I am glad that I have the crew that I do because we were able to get a lot done in the little amount of time that I had left this week. 

one frustrating thing happened my dept. manager called in because her son was pushed down the bleachers and he was bleeding.  I could tell that she was upset but was stuck on the register and didn't want to seem rude to my customers.  She later sent me a text that said something about how I used to be more sympathetic when she was upset.  I really wanted to go off and tell her that no one seemed to give a flip about my problems or bother to ask how I am doing.  I watched as they took my husband off the ER in an ambulance and I didn't receive a phone call or a text asking how him or I was doing.  I just don't have it to give for people that don't have it to give to me. 

I did have a conversation with my therapist today about being sexually abused as a child.  I have issues with sex, which is probably why I have chosen to stay with my husband (that and I am sure that I would pick someone worse to be with).  She asked me if my issues were because I was abused as a child and I said I am sure that it was a combination of things, the abuse, butch's wonderful views on women, and my husband raping me.  The thing I do know is that the last two relationships I have had, sex has been an issue.  My issue is that I view sex as dirty.  I have to change my view of sex and intimacy. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

somber outlook

another busy week. 

I had therapy on Monday. I felt very empowered after my issues on Sunday.  It is probably the first time that I had ever did what was right for me instead of just taking what someone else was willing to give me. 

Tuesday I had to fly to Dallas for meetings.  I was stuck with drunk people during dinner.  I honestly felt as though I was babysitting and it was without parental supervision.  I ended up going to bed about 10 and had to be up and downstairs by 630 am.  I finally got home last night about 10.  Needless to say today I am exhausted.

On the way to the airport it was really different.  The president was in town and had flew into Dallas love, the same airport we were flying out of, you couldn't go 20 feet without seeing a police car.  He must have just landed because when we arrived at Dallas love airfield we were able to see air force one.  The man that checked in my baggage said he watched air force one land on the runway, he said it was the smoothest landing he had ever seen.  I wasn't sure when we arrived if the president was coming or going so when I looked at the flight board I really expected to see that all of the flights were delayed.  We didn't fly out until 755, Patty and I sat in the back of the plane and we drove right past air force one. 

I got home and easily found my car and they were interviewing a man that had written a new book about JFK and his cabinet.  It finally dawned on me that I had just flew out of the airport that JFK flew in and was flown out of that horrible day 50 years ago.  It made the day seem not so exciting but more somber. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

are you kidding me

This is my rant today......PEOPLE STOP MESSING WITH ME!!!!

I am sitting and doing my homework today when my phone goes off.  Kim and I had been texting back and forth about our trip on Tuesday.  I look and it is the person who called a month ago, told me he was here for me then fell off the face of the earth.  Are you kidding me????  I am seriously going to have a nervous breakdown.  It took me 6 hours to do my homework tonight, I still have not a clue how to figure out production volume variance.  I realized Friday that I am not going to be in town for my test Tuesday so I sent my instructor an email, which I have not received an answer. 

I figured out today that I am not as smart as I thought I was.  I am now in senior status and I wanted to take quantative analysis and supply chain management class with a teacher I had this summer whom I really liked, but I cant because I haven't taken stats.  What the freak does supply chain management have to do with stats and what does supply chain management have to do with accounting.  I don't know, but I did manage to get two classes in for next semester.  I am hoping that I will be in a better place mentally and I wont have to struggle as much or ugh, drop a class. 

I saw the lady that used to be my dog trainer after they had taken my husband to the ER.  When I had signed up for linked in, it automatically took everyone from my contact list and sent them an invite.  She sent me a message that caught me off guard, asking me if we were friends.  I wasn't aware that we weren't is what I think I sent back to her.  Anyway, I saw her and I almost followed her to ask her what her beef was with me.  I have gone from being afraid of confrontation, to tracking people down to ask them what their problem is.  I just need to find a way to do it without being angry, but then again if I wasn't angry I probably wouldn't track them down. 

Karate chop kind of day

Yesterday I wanted to sit and cry. My department manager told me to go home, go get a pedicure.   I told her I would of I thought that would make me feel better.   I did manage to get a haircut because danita and I couldn't remember the last time she had cut my hair.  

I felt better then came home to a house where no one is talking.  The other half had thought for an entire day about his come back for me being angry the morning before and decided to unleash his wittiness on me before I had to go to work.   It was my fault be had a hypoglycemic episode because I made him get an insulin pump.   I told him to stop using it and go back to his old way.  I finally stopped talking and left the house.   I had gotten up yesterday morning, prayed for my enemies and asked god's forgiveness for where I have failed him. I was feeling as though I was in a good space, then here comes the Monday morning quarterback to put me in a sad mood for the day.

I get to work and look up to find the guy who wrote on Facebook that I was "the worst manager ever and I needed to sit and think about all of the people who don't like me" standing in the store wasting my employees time.   I so wanted to confront him about his comments, say something snarky, but then I would be no better than him.  I did finally have to ask him to leave.  I am sure he had great things to say about me after that.

I am not a physical person but there were two times yesterday that I really wanted to karate chop someone in the throat.  I actually envisioned myself doing it. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

my fun halloween

as if this week couldn't have gotten any better

I was suppose to have lunch with my husband yesterday.  Lunch time comes and lunch time goes, it  is his day off, maybe he went home and fell asleep.  I call him and leave him a voicemail, thinking I must have misunderstood him and he went and ate earlier.  About 430 I get a call from the undersheriff.  I try to call him back and nothing.  I then hear someone ask for me, I walk out of the office and it one of the guys from the sheriffs office and a pd officer.  I am thinking they are here to tell me my husband is dead.  Burt says, matt is in the parking lot.  I ask him if he is conscience.  I honestly do not even remember his answer as we walk to his truck.  I finally get to him and see that his eyes are open.  I ask what his blood sugar is, they say 20.  He has been sitting in the parking lot for almost 5 hours.

The sheriff is there trying to crack jokes and I am in shock as to the severity of the situation.  They check his blood sugar again and he is at 27.  He is then loaded onto the gurney and put into the back of the ambulance.  His parents get there and his mom gets into the ambulance, she then comes out to tell me that they are going to transport him. 

I drive to the hospital.  I stand in line, see one of the k9 guys and ask if he is awake.  He says yes, but I am still wanting to see him for myself.  There is a lady in front of me, she is taking too much time.  I finally give the lady at the window my insurance card, address, name and phone number for emergency contact.  I then ask if I can go see my husband.  I walk to the area and he is eating.  He still seems weird, but the nurse comes about an hour later and checks his sugar it is 130. 

I finally leave the hospital last night, arrive at my neighborhood at 7 and have to negotiate all of the traffic.  There are cars down both sides of the street and this lady decides to drive towards me, I am not moving and I really want to just push her out of the way.  She sits there like a stupid B until the trailer to my left moves and I have to drive around her. 

I think this morning it finally hit me.  I was angry, sad, and scared all at once. 

My mother is incapable of taking care of herself.  My mother in law has dementia.  My husband could have died in that parking lot with me less than a 100 yards away.