Thursday, July 21, 2016

I am a disposable person

I know that i take chances on people. I root for the underdog. I get disappointed a lot. I feel taken advantage of, used, and then people trash me as they walk away.

I like to give people chances. Someone gave me a chance.

My emotions are all over the place again.


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Fully staffed

"I used to walk into a room and wonder if people liked me.....now i look around and wonder if i like them"

I now know what this means.

I went to joe's parent's house this week. His step mom isn't very warm. I suppose i am not very open.

I felt as though i was sleeping with the enemy. Mandy goes and sees them even when she doesn't have sydni.

As with everything that has to do with mandy, she feels the need to compete. I am not sure what she thinks the prize is or if she has noticed that i am no longer in the race.

I used to try so hard, wanting people to like me. I know joe really wanted us to get along.

I am not currently accepting applications for people to hurt and disappoint me. I believe i am fully staffed.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

New shoes feel good

Thank goodness today starts a 10 day vacation.

I am 100% on my new medication today. Instead of 6 pills and 3 vitamins. I take 1 to 2 pills and 5 vitamins. Apparently being vitamin d deficient will make you crazy.

Yesterday was interesting. I felt as if my i was in one of my employees shoe's. I had to go in and do a formal discussion on a program that my people just can't seem to get right.

My assistant was upset that his freight wasn't worked. I took all of my paperwork and dumped it in his lap, had a breakdown, and went to grooming to have my cry.

The deal has been that i do the operational stuff and he does the floor stuff. I gave him the schedule, store use order, and left all of the purchase orders to be keyed. I left the out of date and stolen to be keyed and the items that seem to sit around forever with no tags.

I then sent an email last night that success, opportunities, and conversion stories need to be sent to different people. There is a list on the board. Sunday, do payroll and update the brand board in the back. Monday, cookie order. Tuesday, random price audit. Thursday, animal order...don't pencil whip it. Talk to all people who haven't sold a dog training class. If you have any questions call Eastham or Bien. I will go put up freight.

Honestly, i think it is the best thing that could've happened. I get to take off 10 days. I don't help out on the salesfloor, okay, here is all of the stuff that needs to be done daily. You want it, great. See you week after next, let me know how it all works out.

Don't forget, no one went to get fives or vegetables for the animals.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Good day

My definition of a good day these is days is not getting committed.

Joe got off work this morning. We took a shower and off to tahlequah we went. I somehow spilled water all over my crotch and looked as though i have urinated all over myself. After my last trip to the doctor. I wasn't concerned about being on time or much else. I assumed being "worked in" for an appointment was pretty much like stand by and i wasn't very hopeful.

We were called back before i even finished our paperwork. The nurse did the usual, took blood pressure, checked my pulse. We sat until we were called to his office. The doctor immediately made me feel at ease. He listened, asked questions, brought up things that were mentioned before. He is weaning me off my meds and putting me back on what i had originally taken.

On the way home, i called the vet and made an appointment to have paisely put to sleep. Joe had to put her in the back of the car. She was wearing her pink collar. I don't really remember walking into the room.  Doc gave her a sedative, i didnt realize how long it had been since i had heard her breathe normally. She tried to sit down, her legs trembled as they usually do. I helped her sit. I kept her head in my hands and face on her forehead, her head became heavy so  I laid her head on joe's shoe. Risch came in and put her on the table. He shaved her front leg, injected her. It didn't take her long to be gone. I kissed her head and walked to the front desk, everyone was quiet. I paid the bill. Joe and i walked out the front door. I hugged him so tightly and cried.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Lunch box conundrum

I do not understand when you call someone and you know your number is in their phone but they answer as if you are a total stranger.

My boss used to do this. I then felt the need to explain who i was and where i was calling from. I am an effective communicator. I have a plan when i speak which is an obstacle when i am in therapy.

I love it when someone calls and has not a clue why they are calling. I want to tell them to get their thoughts together and call me back.

My husband is the worst. I know i am deaf, blind  and forgetful. He sends me a text and will call me to tell me what the text said. I dislike talking on the phone as my sister likes to points out (eye roll).

It is not unusual for me to have several missed calls and unanswered text messages. I am also bad about deleting text messages when i know it is just the usual drama/excuses.

It's another one of my double standards. I can be late for work but become highly irritated when other people are late.

Which reminds me, i was early this morning. Hair curled (i always think of the curly red hair girl on peanuts), lunch (which i forgot to eat), breakfast and my beloved diet dp ($1 any size). I was excited to enjoy my breakfast and fountain drink. 6 feet away from the car i dropped my diet dp and it exploded like last year's pumpkin. I just walked on, devastated. I carry my huge bag with 40 oz if water. A lunch box with my beloved pb&j, ice pack, and another water because it must be cold. I really need to find a bigger lunch box....it's the goldilocks conundrum.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Needing relief

The rest of the story.

I decided to come home go back to bed and start the day again.

This time i wanted to feel the pain, physical pain, i wanted to feel something other than sadness. There was no one's attention to be had. I want to have the physical wounds to match the internal wounds.

This time i ended up in minor emergency, 6 stitches. People asked what i did, i cut myself. Deedee told me they would try to commit me, no. I think they were too busy or maybe i don't look like a crazy person. She couldn't believe that i was able to leave by myself. Issue is, who would i call. Joe was at work. I suppose i could've picked a random number in my phone for someone to come and pick me up.

Deedee found a place that offered yoga and paddle boarding. It is now her mission to find somewhere for me to take a break.

I was in the car, late again for work. The radio was talking about pain management, the doctor said there was no magic pill to make the pain disappear. The patient learns to live with the pain. This message was my warning that my pain will never go away. It will be my cross to bear.

I keep thinking about what my therapist said. I need to stop reaching out to fill the hole inside me. I have to fill that myself. I told her i didn't know how to do this. I still don't.  I am not sure there is any viable pieces left.

Friday, June 17, 2016

No help for me today

I am now crying. I was holding out for this appointment to somehow get some telief.

I wanted to tell the lady at the counter that i was drowning, show her my arm and beg for someone, somewhere to make it all go away.

I have been up since 5:30, drove all the way to tahlequah. I don't care that he has had this day off for a long time. Seriously, one would think that last week he would remember that this day would be so important when he agreed to make this special appointment.

I didn't tell the lady this as i noticed she looked down when she told me she was sorry. She was just secretly hoping that i wouldn't cause a scene because she had to be the bearer of bad news. She didn't care as i haven't cared when people told me their long drawn out stories.

I know i have zero recourse. I want to tell someone off but it isn't their fault as she told me that she didn't know who had made the appointment for me....why yes, i stole an appointment card so that i could get up at 5;30 this morning, drive 45 minutes to sit for 45 minutes to be dismissed.