Thursday, October 1, 2015


I used to have this chic who worked for me, she was the do not do drugs poster child. I think the first month i worked with her, i asked her at least twice a week if she was okay. Every once in awhile the residue would break lose in her brain and it would cause her to do weird things.
I think that is what happened to butch. Apparently the conversation we had from 15 days ago just sunk into his skull?

My sister called and said that i needed to call him because he was devastated. I called because i love my sister. I told her that i didnt exactly like her at the moment. He answered the phone and was angry. I told him that i wouldn't talk to him when he was angry.  His reply was to curse and tell me he was angry because i basically told him that he had never loved me when i was growing up. I said that wasn't what i said and i wouldn't have this conversation while he was mad. He just continued to yell, so i just hung up.  I have had a lifetime full of anger. Sometimes it just rocks being an adult and be able to hang up on your parents.

I called my sister back and warned her not to answer the phone. She said that butch and claudia had taken her to dinner the other night and interrogated her because i had mentioned her in my conversation with butch. The only mention was he wanted to know why i had never said any of this before. I did, the night we were at sisters. The night i came back from the bathroom and he had his finger in her face screaming "fuck you".

I am baffled. I haven't been around in about 20 years. Why does it matter now? Has he just noticed? I haven't been to a Christmas or thanksgiving since i was married to TJ......whom i married in 95 and we were divorced in April of 1999.

Sister says he doesn't ever remember things he has done. I don't need an apology but he called me that day and asked me the questions. I am sorry if someone, somewhere is holding him accountable. This poor me doesn't work with me because it never worked for me. If he didn't believe what i said was true then i don't believe he would be angry.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


At the end of the day, i feel that you will only have your integrity

I am always bothered when someone feels the need to say hurtful, mean things about me. I really try hard not to gossip because i don't want people to gossip about me. I had a lady that was an acquaintance that kept messaging me about other people, making comments that were untrue. I didn't want to make things worse but it had really bothered me that this lady was making accusations about someone. I finally had to tell my acquaintance to never message me again and told the person what had been said.  Now she is telling everyone that i am playing both sides of the fence.

Today my husband went out rodneys pond to fish. He is out of town and has someone house sitting for him. The people came to the pond then called rodney. Joe received a text that he didn't want anyone fishing at his pond. He should've asked, if he had then he would've said no because he didn't want his house guests disturbed? I have fished at that pond. Funny thing, 6 months ago he wanted to sell that house to joe and i.  He wanted to build something smaller. Now he has a girlfriend and once again things have changed. It is like dejavu all over again. She says that they are going to marry as soon as her divorce is done. I am sure it will be just like butch, another person whom will not think that it is important to have family participate. It sucks when feel as if you have no one or no where to turn.

The last few days have been way too much. I have had houseguests since Thursday morning. Yesterday, i went and picked up syd at 3:30, her game was earlier than she thought. We all went to homecoming last night, the game was over at 10. We didn't leave the stadium until 11. :(

I didn't get home until almost midnight then i had to open this morning. I was very thankful to be able to take a nap. Then joe came in telling me of the messages he had received from rodney. Which just upset me.

Now i have a household of people this is just too much input. I told joe to tell them something other than i don't feel good because i don't want to be known as the person that doesn't always feel my mother.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Unexpected therapy

Butch called me today.

I almost didn't answer but then thought there might be something wrong with my sister.

He asked me if I considered him my dad. I told him that I considered him one of my dads. He contemplated a moment and decided that was acceptable to him.  I remember once that answer would've infuriated him. I had referenced to mom and rodney as "my parents" once and he was very quick to correct me.

He asked questions and I answered. I wasn't angry about it, I tried to not be mean. I told him that I felt as if his girlfriends came first. I shouldn't have been burdened with adult things as a 9 year old. I should've been first. He was too busy telling me that I needed to pull my head out, plug it in, and the world didn't revolve around me.  He told me that he was trying to prepare me to be an adult. I told him I was 9 and should be doing 9 year old stuff not be responsible for him emotionally, worried about money.

He apologized. I had already forgiven him. He said he wanted to have a relationship with me. I was done after he put his last girlfriend/wife before me, sold land that he always said would be mine. He wanted to know why I had never told him. I had at my sister's, he was just too angry to hear it.

He married claudia and we were replaced by her kids. He said he tried to help those that needed help. I shouldn't have to have a crisis to get attention.  He was proud of me taking care of myself. I told him that I had to, his reply was that is what I was suppose to do.

Sometimes it would've been nice to have a safe place to land.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


People with abodoment issues will usually abandon people in the same fashion

I saw this and it made me wonder if this is why it is so easy for me to cut people out of my life.

I have always been concerned about my lack of ability to form close relationships.

I keep having dreams that joe is leaving me. He left me at the reunion, this morning he left me either on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Consciously I know this isn't an issue and I didn't think that it was even a concern for me but it seems that it must be. I am thinking it must be tied to my fear of doing something wrong, which I did the last time we were together.

Hmmm, maybe I do have some stuff to work out

Friday, August 7, 2015

think outside the box

So I flew home from our yearly summit last night/this morning.

Good news, I am not sick and even better news is that I am not in a tail spin.

I did get to have a great conversation on the plane from Phoenix. As we all know I have struggles with religion. I was able to share this with someone who was opened minded. I have known Woodley since I first started at my job. He is very open minded and just has a good soul. So I was telling him about how I feel as though God tests me and if I don't make the right decision that bad things will happen. He didn't agree and thought that shitty things happen for no reason. When I get tested with an over credit or items that I am not charged for that some people would look at it as God giving them a gift. Such a great perspective but I know in my heart that isn't the right thing.

It all just reminds me that sometimes I just need to get out of my head.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

divorce, best friends, and dreams

today my husband and I took a day trip, saw a couple of museums, ate dinner, and ran a few errands. 

he always wonders what it would have been like if we had stayed together in high school. he hates that I had to have an abusive husband. I know that I have brought some of the baggage with me but beyond that the whole time in my life seems so surreal.

my dad and his girlfriend went to her 30 year reunion. last night she posted on face book that they had a good time but were going to bed. I was going to make a comment that it was only 11:30, I would have been up much later.  Then I remembered I married the person that would have kept me out late. 

one time there was some face book survey of who your best friend was and of course I put my bff from high school.  Skippy was so upset because I didn't put him, it never dawned on me to consider him my best friend (probably should have been a sign). I had never witnessed a relationship, other than my ex in laws, that the two people genuinely liked each other.  I had always seen those cheesy quotes at weddings "today I married my best friend".  I think the first time I saw that, the girl was cheating on her husband almost since day one and they got divorced.

I have become the couple that I hate.  I really did marry my best friend.  Yesterday he had a Dr apt and I really didn't want to go (being an agoraphobic) but I wanted to continue our conversation.  I wanted to be with him.  I never knew you could feel this way about another human being, to actually like someone all of the time.  the good lord knows I am moody. 

Skippy always told me that dreams are the brains way of dealing with issues.  I am not sure why issues I have to deal with dreaming of relationships of the past.  I remember being very fearful before I married skippy of being able to be faithful. I didn't have even that thought when I married joe. I continue to have dreams of boyfriends past and cheating on my husband. i am not sure what my brain is trying to fix, but it needs to hurry it up because the past needs to just stay in the past. i dont need the heart ache, thank you very much. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Foreign emotions

When you don't know how to make yourself feel better then make others feel good.

A friend and her husband create stained glass pieces. She was laughing, telling me that people think it is like the children's craft with the beads that you bake in the oven. I suppose I always knew what it was because I love vintage items.

I had one of those kits that my mother bought me for Christmas and never let me make, it was always too hot to turn on the oven.

I have become concerned for my lack of ability to form close relationships with people. I am still watching the lady that is so consumed with grief from the loss of her mother with bewilderment. It is so foreign to me. This lady is absolutely lost without her mother. I think I have always felt lost and sadness, well that is my constant companion.

I go back to therapy on Monday. I am neither here nor there about it. I think I have accepted that this is the way my life will be not just a phase in my life that started three years ago.