today is my Friday and I am very thankful

this must have been a full moon this week, last phone call yesterday was someone who was painting and their bird "escaped" from their cage, flew into the paint pan, and when they washed the bird in water the feathers started falling out

first phone call today...I saw a guinea pig yesterday, it was black and white....can you tell me if it was a male or a female...I go over and look and there are at least a dozen guinea pigs in the cage with a few being black and white. 

I am starting my first therapy session on Monday.  I think that the most difficult part is going to be taking off the mask of everything being okay and not that big of a deal in order to get through the pain to deal with the situations.  I am so scared of being out of control.  I have worked so hard to stuff all of these feelings down and to project some kind of normalcy to the outside world.  I do know that the façade is breaking and I cant do this anymore.  When the pain of holding on is more than letting go.........this is the point that I am at. 

I have been able to sleep this week.  I have been able to face confrontation head on, which is a really nice change.  I am not a confrontational person and that makes doing my job almost impossible.  I have been able to say exactly what is on my mind and that has been so freeing.  I think that it has caught people off guard, but I cant afford to hold it in any longer.  

thank goodness tomorrow is friday

this week has sucked the life out of me

I had to take an extra day off for optimist club.  went to my meeting on Wednesday at 6:30 where the mayor spoke.  he was speaking about having bicycle lanes in town and our president suggested that we have "wheelchair lanes".  I had to point out that wheelchairs are not street legal 

then on Wednesday my boss asked for a list of tasks that needed to be reduced and one colleagues sent in an email that I do believe I am stupid for reading it.  It reminded me of an answer that someone would give to an essay question when they had no clue what the answer was. 

today our clubs president decided to have a meeting for a bike rally that he wants to have in 3 months.  my husband showed up and read the bylaws telling him in no uncertain terms that he couldn't hold any kind of meeting without three days notice in writing signed by a third of the board members. 

I went to the dentist today and had my new tooth put on, my gums were quite tender and the process stunk.  it did give me a good excuse to leave the meeting tonight.

my boss decided to show up today and so I got to run around like my head was cut off this morning....I didn't help any because I still didn't get a hundred on my animal walk....killing me

then the girls had a guy show up in the salon furiously scratching his head wanting to know if it were possible that he had mange. 

dear lord, please make tomorrow better. 

strange days indeed

today i went to the success expo for the optimist club

i sat across from a machine that you could pay $2 to feel what it would be like to be in a hurricane...i thought, do people really pay two dollars and why didn't i think of this?

today was a people watching day.  they guy next to me had a booth for a temp service.  this girl in her late twenties walked up and was inquiring about work while filling her bag with the free goodies had on an outfit that would be appropriate for a nine year old.  Shelly and i decided that every outfit should have a skull and crossbones hair bow.  i thought the striped knee socks really made her look professional. 

another lady had on platform heels that were a challenge for her to walk in, the only thing that was missing was the blinking lights in her heels.  thank goodness she didn't have to sit down because i am sure that her dress would have exposed her private area. 

my fellow club member asked me if i would take him to get something to eat, i agreed, then when we got there he asked me if i had any cash.  i guess no one can take advantage of you without your permission.  i didn't even get any change back.  i did get to smell long john silvers all the way back to his house.  i shouldn't complain it did motivate me to go to the car wash, which i desperately needed.
i had to stop at the store for milk and get gas.  when i was done, i noticed my mother so i rolled down the window and said hi....she was looking for her keys.  i put my car in park and helped her, they were in the seat.  i gave her a hug, told her i loved her, made sure she was safely in her car and left.  i am not sure if i would rather she drive or my mother in law. 

i came home and made four batches of brownies to go to people as thank you gifts. 

it is ironic that the other day, my husband and i drove past a car wash that i had once locked mothers keys in her car.  i remembered it and i also remember how mad she was at me. 

so angelina jole had a double mastectomy to prevent having breast cancer....she has zero percent body fat and like no boobs, so i find this weird. 

Forgiveness

Forgive, it is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. Forgive everybody, just forgive it.  I remind you that we ask the creator to forgive,  our stupidiest actions, our cruelest mean, mean hearted things, forgive me.  You forgive and it relieves you.  It relieves you from carrying that resentment.  You really are lighter, you just drop that.  Then you are free to have some ambition of some sort.  The biggest liberator is love, but actually it is forgiveness.  You can't forgive without love, i don't mean mush, i mean having enough courage and say i forgive, i am finished with it.  I had to think of what i had done to other people and see how i had been forgiven.  Whatever i have done, i have been forgiven.  I have to get (at least) to a place where i can forgive.  I don't forget and i will not put myself in a place where that can be done to me again, but i understand.
Maya Angelou

refuse to settle

a family of swallows teaching their young to fly

mother and father gather all three babies on a dead tree branch four feet above the water.  mother pushes the first bird off and the bird starts to flap its wings and learns to fly.  mother pushes the second bird off and the bird stretches it's wings out and flies as well.  the third bird wasn't going to be pushed off the dead branch, it held on to the branch and ended up hanging upside down.  mother started pecking at the birds feet until the bird could no longer stand the pain and let go to learn to fly. 

you will stay in a situation until the pain becomes so unbearable that you will let go of something dead to learn to fly.

I fear that I am losing my soul.  I have had this feeling once before and the story is right, I will stay until the pain is worse than the discomfort of leaving.  I am calling tomorrow to see if I can get counseling for my marriage. 

I have learned that you should never have to apologize for how you feel and that other people do not have the right to tell you that your feelings are wrong. I never expected for someone else to place the same amount of importance on something that I do, but I do ask that you don't discount it. 

I know that I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I become easily hurt.  I thought that I had picked better and that my partner would handle my heart and feelings gently.  I believe that I am unrealistic in my expectations, but since I have spent a lifetime adjusting my expectations to what other people were willing to give me, I refuse to anymore.  this is the baggage that I carry with me now and unfortunately I think my marriage will fail because of it, but I don't think that I should settle for any less. 

the groove baggage

i finally feel as though i am getting my groove back

i went and got a proper hair cut yesterday and added streaks.  today, i treated myself to a pedicure, it has been almost a year since i had a pedicure.  i picked up two pairs of sandals as well.  it felt so nice to treat myself.  i haven't done anything like this since last summer. 

it makes me so sad to think of how i have lost the last year of my life to depression. 

my shoulder still hurts, but i have stopped clenching my teeth as much, i have begun to laugh more and has been so much more focused.  i can see that my team is more productive.  i have started having the tough conversations that i would have walked away from before, because i wouldn't have had the energy.

tomorrow is mothers day and i cant stand it.  my mother and i could not be much further apart and having to deal with her and her horrible behavior makes me want to check out.  i don't want to act in a false manner.  my dad says "like her or not she is your mom. when you live a long life and upon your death you will die indebted to her for your life".  i just cannot subject myself to her abuse.  i feel as though i am the only that walks away with any baggage from the interaction.....lord knows i don't need any more of that.

crackhead day

today was crackhead day....

I had a guy come in and want to speak with the manager.  he says that he worked on the air conditioner and hadn't been paid yet.  I asked him if he had been dispatched by corporate.  yes, Debbie from corporate.  Debbie said that I had never sent in the invoice.  I don't send in invoices.  he says 'then how am I suppose to get paid".  I say "you are suppose to send in the invoices".  now, keep in mind the whole entire time this conversation is taking place, the tweeker wont stay still.  I am having to play ring around the rosey with a table.  one time he plants himself behind a sign and I have to peer around the sign to see him.  crackhead.

couple has a "cool fish" and want to know what else to put with it.....cool fish?  turns out it is a cichlid (extremely aggressive).  I felt as though I was playing "whose on first".  can I get this fish, yes, but your fish will eat it.  what about this fish, yes, but your fish will eat it.  by the time the conversation was over, the fish was a chinchillafish and they bought 3 fish that will now be dinner. 

i started my new meds today, i am so looking forward to feeling somewhat normal.....it is amazing how a good nights sleep will make that happen.

i told my fish person, i wouldn't be able to do her job, people just irritate me.  my husband replied that everyone annoys me these days, especially him.  i cannot stand the sarcasm from him, it is rude and disrespectful.  i have told him this and he continues to do it.  yesterday, i told him i had a meeting sunday morning.  his reply was, well, am i suppose to be here.  as if he could care less.  that was just rude and stupid.  i am sorry, i just thought you might like to know where your wife was, he said that he probably wouldn't notice because he would be asleep. 

he then told me he had a dentist appointment this morning and i wanted to say, "do you need me to hold your hand".