Thursday, July 31, 2014

unfair and invalidating

twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money

i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it

i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude

i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?

i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it.  my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them.  also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot. 

i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now.  it hasn't even been a week.  the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible.  i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement.  it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry. 

i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning.  it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons.  One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child. 

i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating.  It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

bag of nickles

last night i was emotionally exhausted

i was grasping for anything that might hold me together and prove that i wasn't crazy, so i watched this interview with a guy that had written a book about happiness

he was on television with a goofy grin, wearing red chucks, and he was too frigging happy for me and i seriously wanted to reach through the TV and choke him out.  I would've probably been that happy too, if i had made millions selling books on how to be happy and was poised to make a million more just for being on this show




this was his solution

  • spend two minutes everyday thinking of three things that you are grateful for and they must be different things everyday
  • sometime within a 24 hour period, recall a situation that had happened to you that was meaningful and write in depth about it, essentially double dipping on your happiness experience
  • exercise for 15 minutes everyday
  • send a thank you email, note, or praise someone everyday
  • meditate

if you do all of these things for 21 days, you will be happier........smh, where is my bag of nickels. 

BRF

i cried out to God for help because i knew of nothing else to do besides stand in front of a bus

i was finally able to sit on the bed and just cry last night
cry for my failed marriage
cry for my failed emotional affair
cry for the relationship that i will never have with my mother
cry for the feeling that i had failed God
cry because of my failed RVP visit
cry because i had failed as a manager
cry because my reputation had been defiled at my previous job, that my character was taken into question and no one came to my aid
cry because i felt such sadness
cry because i have felt such sadness for such a long period of time

Joe held me and cried because i am sure that my heartache was so palpable

i don't think that i had cried that much since i was married, maybe that was why i was able to cry yesterday.  I found a book that i had started and i had used the ticket from the family vacation last year as a bookmark.  It was dated yesterday.  I can remember how much Skippy and i fought during that vacation.  I know his family knew the end was near.  He didn't want to go on this vacation with his family, he didn't want to waste his precious time off, even though his parents had paid for everything and his brother had flown in from Nevada.  I was excited to go, i didn't really get to do stuff like that with my parents and his mom was really starting to suffer from the effects of the Alzheimer's.  I couldn't understand why he didn't want to take this last vacation while his mother still might remember.  Maybe he didn't want to go with me, i remember his brother and i having more fun than him and I did. 

BRF.....i laughed when his brother told Skippy that he suffered from BRF (bitchy resting face); google it, it is hilarious

Friday, July 11, 2014

the bottom

i don't think that i have ever felt such a sense of desperation

i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically.  i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness.  i used to say my give a crap was broken.  i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring.  i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave.  i blamed it on being raised by two broken people.  living in the past, not the present.  not being able to cry over my mother being dead.  feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN.  having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count. 

i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive.  amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines. 

i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP. 

i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy

i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card

if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit

i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation. 

lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

talking points wasted

Saturday i receive an email about season tickets that i held with Skippy, so i sent him a text wanting to know if he wanted to keep the seats, no response.  he just hacks me off with lack of decency to even respond, he could have sent f you and it would have been something.  it is just another reminder of the time i wasted on a relationship with someone who doesn't even respect me enough to answer. 

then i found a paper that i had put talking points on, i am not sure if i gave it to him or if it was something i wanted to use while having a discussion with him.  I am sure that i decided that the energy wasn't worth it and never did anything with it, but it made me upset that i allowed someone to treat me like that. 

this was the contents
*putting up your finger when i talk tells me that i am not your partner...makes me feel as if i am beneath you

*i feel unimportant in public when you talk down to me, ie we were at staples and i was going to pull the cart forward so that you were able to have the cashier scan the second cart of water and you said something abrupt to me and embarrassed me in front of other people

*when we were at best buy, you looked at me and asked why i was standing on top of you.  I thought we had gone to run errands to spend time together.  I felt like i should just sit in the truck.

*it becomes challenging to go anywhere with you because if i take too long (ie sally), stand too close, stand too far away, you complain.  You complain about people driving, it really gives me the blues.  I feel as though I have to struggle to have a good attitude and at times i get really exhausted trying to have a good attitude in the midst of your negative attitude.

*i constantly think every day of things that make you upset and try very hard not to do those things.  I should be thinking of ways to make you happy, not things to not make you angry.

*I know myself well enough to know that it is incredibly difficult for me to be intimate with someone when i have to feel guarded or when i don't feel close to them.  I don't think you realize your abruptness hurts my feelings, but i just get over it.  If i say or do something to hurt your feelings then you don't talk to me and when you do, it is short and crappy.  It reminds me of my mother and i don't want to have a relationship like that.  it makes me feel like how i feel is unimportant.  I feel that you are more concerned over who is right (you) and wrong (me) than about our relationship.  You aren't concerned at all about me or my opinion or even my feelings.  Which is why i just get over it, because it is easier to stuff my feelings down that have you make me feel crappier and give all of my energy to this battle.  This might explain why i am overeating

*when you throw up your hands and walk away, it makes me feel like you are treating me like all of the people you work with,  I am your wife and you are not to call me names, you are to respect me



irritated, locked, and loaded

deep breath

sister actually sent me the stuff for her taxes, only after she sent me about 4 texts telling me what she was sending me.  she then asked me if i still loved her.  i replied yes, but i want her to stop killing herself.  she said that she never looked at it like that and she would be okay. whatever

my niece broke up with her loser boyfriend who always cheats on her, she wants to come and spend time with me, but as usual i have to drive all the way there and back.  then deal with a crappy teenager, sorry, don't have it to give, but i made a commitment and was too much of a wuss to be straight to her and tell her no. 

i saw my therapist today and i am irritated all of the time, at the end of our session she agreed. 

i sent me biological father an email today.  i cried.  it would be easier if he just didn't respond, rejection i totally get.  i am not sure if i can do one more complication in my life, but none of us is getting any younger and it would stink if he died before i had the chance. 

mother died in February, i still haven't written a single thank you note to anyone who sent flowers to people who brought food, sent cards, or anything.  it is just a bag of stuff sitting in my office.  a reminder of things that need to be done, like the tile in the other bathroom.

I literally cleaned out my closet yesterday and i found a phone that had a picture of mother on it before she had her brain radiated to death and she became someone else.  She actually had a smile on her face.  i looked at the picture for a very long time and was still unable to cry that she is gone. 

i don't want to go to work tomorrow.  i am tired of my lazy people and the people whom i stick my neck out for that are just ungrateful.  i really feel as though i should fire about 60% of them and start over.  i guess i will just channel my irritation into coaching my employees, maybe they will just get tired of my crabby self and leave. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

sister

so my sister calls the other day, supposedly she has all of the stuff together for her taxes and she is going to mail them to me.  I wont hold my breath for that to happen. 

i was at my dad's where syd was swimming and the rest of us were partaking in a drink (ironically).  I told her that she was right, that she really needed to sell her car so that she could live.  I found out that she doesn't have insurance and probably no drivers license since they now suspend your license if you don't have insurance.  I tried to paint a horrible picture of her getting pulled over, thrown in jail, and her car impounded for no insurance.  The proper thing to do would be to sell her car.....she cant find her title.  I am not sure why this surprises me but it does. 

I then call butch to tell him the plan, he agrees, but she is almost 50 and he cant make her do anything. 

This all makes me thankful that i am not on the frontline and for the invention of caller id.  I am thinking that the tough love approach about the car might make her rethink asking if she can move in.  Oh well, i didn't give birth to her and it isn't my responsibility to make sure she does adult things.