Wednesday, March 5, 2014
this describes my emotions perfectly. I can run a store, but i can't run my life....i never could.
i am always trying to find someone or something to stuff in this hole that i feel in my inside. i want something to take away all of the blackness that i feel inside.
a friend of the family told me once that i didn't let much grass grow under my feet before i moved on to the next relationship. he was right. i wonder if him and mother are kicked back having a cig together.
there are five stages of grief
denial and isolation
i isolated myself for almost two years
two days ago i got angry......i asked my sophomore boyfriend (we actually dated when we were sophomores) if i were stranded in an airport away from home, sick and called you to ask you to help me find a hotel room...what would you do? His answer....find you a hotel room then probably not sleep knowing that you were somewhere alone. DING, DING, DING, DING.....LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I DO BELIEVE WE HAVE A WINNER. I called skippy and i am not sure how it ended except that i found a hotel by calling the numbers on a kiosk that was in the garage.
bargaining...i think i have spent the last 4 years bargaining with myself that i wasn't in an unfulfilling relationship and reasons to stay
depression...had a lifetime of that
acceptance.....i accepted my marriage was over, the day that he kicked me out of the car on okmulgee and told me to walk
i feel as though i have been in warp speed since Christmas and now that i am able to stop, the baggage, that i have been moving too fast to realize the weight of has caught up.
i am not sure where i left off, but i am afraid that if i go back to read that i wont finish this post...i might not because paisely is barking her "i am bored" bark.
i finally left my husband after Christmas. i suppose the final straw was Christmas day itself. as usual he was no help, he didn't want my father to come, and he was unpleasant to me. the moral of that story is if you are a jerk to me long enough that your crap will end up on the front porch.
i am still trying to get into the swing of things of learning how to take care of things by myself which gives me anxiety. Skippy was a good husband when it came to taking care of the bills and making sure i didn't do without monetarily. unfortunately, he wasn't good at much else in the husband department.
this morning at 5:45am i get an email that my car payment wont clear my account, which gives me immediate anxiety and makes me feel like a failure. I am in another state because i had a meeting this morning. I come home to find out that i have plenty of money in the account but somehow the bank wont let loose of it.....and 6:11 pm isn't the time to try and find out why.
the good thing is that all of this did get my attention that i am not far from a downward spiral so i called my shrink, got my prescriptions refilled, made an appointment with her and my therapist. all while being stuck in construction...
i have my own insurance now which i have to pay for and my meds will probably cost a lot more that i expected. i hate to sound like a negative nancy but i am expecting the worst, hoping for the best.
my mother died.
i have cried once.
i got divorced.
i think i have cried twice.
i believe there is a big nervous breakdown in my future.
i got stuck on the on ramp Sunday, accidentally shifted my car from neutral into drive while it was at 60mph.....i am convinced that my transmission will drop out any minute.
i think my nervous breakdown is getting closer
and there is a plastic piece in my floorboard that came from under my car while they where attempting to tow me out of my rut
nervous breakdown inevitable
Sunday, March 2, 2014
I used to have such abandonment issues that I wanted someone to promise they would never leave. Now I don't need someone to promise they won't leave I need the security of someone who will stay until they are unable or unwilling to treat me right.
It is amazing how age changes your idea of security.
I really thought that losing a parent would send me off balance, making me feel as if I am alone in the world. It has made me realize that I lost my mother a long time ago.
The night my mother died I kept expecting her to come and see me. I asked my best friend if she had experienced the same thing. She said yes but it was about 8 months after she died.
I guess I will be waiting.
Monday, February 24, 2014
this was the inscription that i read at the funeral. my grandmother died 16 years ago on the day that we buried my mother.
I read a passage from the prophet. I had my heart broken and my mother told me that "the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." the prophet.
I am not too sure that this makes anymore sense today than it did that day, but i thought it was appropriate.
pictures, must have pictures for the video. my best friend and i went through the photo albums here and then went to her house to search for more pictures. We found 147. Then i found some of the pieces to my past. There were four packets; ed, butch, Rodney, and misc. I suppose when you know you are going to die you can prepare packets for people in your life. I found love letters from my biological father to my mother and visa versa. It all becomes relative. My mother was born in 1949 and i was born in 72 and it seems as though their love affair had started 2 years before that. She was 21 when she met my father. Some of the letters seemed to indicate that my father was married when their affair had started. It was hard for me to see the woman that i knew as being hard and mean as a sexual being that was once soft and caring. I haven't had it to give to make it to the other packets. My sister went through her father's, my adoptive father's and it seemed that he had one last holiday with his first family before going back to California to be with my mother. I have to remind myself that she was still in her twenties and had no clue that getting involved with a married man wasn't the wisest thing to do....if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. I found it very ironic that their marriage ended because of his infidelity. I am not much better. I was a married woman sleeping with someone other than my husband but then again we had never consummated our marriage so i am not sure that is infidelity. Semantics. Sin is sin.
I wrote the obituary. I picked the songs for the video. Good thing mother always said that funerals were for the living. I picked the Beatles song, yesterday. She hated the Beatles, thought they were to commercialized. Bob Seger, turn the page, because i love that song and it was the only song that i saw my parents dance to. Kate Bush, Woman's Work because sister and i have decided we want that song played at our funeral and a Neil diamond song because mother loved Neil diamond.
The family aisle was made up of my dad and i, my boyfriend, niece, sister, and best friend.
I guess you never truly feel like a grown up until a parent dies, then you realize that you have one less person in your life that has your back. Then again I am not sure that she ever did.
My mother died Wednesday the 12th at 1:50am. My dad called me to tell me that hospice had called and she wasn't doing well. I went to the nursing home and sat. She had the death rattle and her temperature kept rising. I know that i should have felt some emotion but 7 months of therapy has enabled me to let her go. I know this sounds rash but i was very concerned about my father financially, we had no long term care insurance since no one with brain cancer lives this long and it was costing him $4k a month to keep her in the nursing home.
About midnight i grabbed a blanket and laid in the extra bed. My dad told me to go home, there was nothing i could do for her and he would call me if anything new happened. I told him i wasn't leaving him.
Ironically when my ex husband left he took my favorite Scottie dog blanket. Someone had made my mother a Scottie dog blanket and it was sitting in her wheelchair. I slept with that blanket until 1:45 when the hospice nurse woke me up. I walked to her bed and her eyes had finally opened. Her chest heaved up and down more out of habit than for actual oxygen. I kissed her on the forehead, tried to close her eyes while everyone around me tried to get a plan together. My dad was confused since he no longer had mother to take care of and this had been his routine for so long. He finally walked over and kissed her once again and told her there was nothing he could do for her now. I grabbed my new blanket, walked with my father to the car and called my boyfriend.
The most awesome thing was that my boyfriend (sounds weird to say) and best friend have been friends since we were all freshman. They already had a plan together. They showed up early and didn't leave me for the entire day. I think that my best friend cried more than i did. I didn't actually cry until the day we met with the preacher to talk about the ceremony and he said a prayer. I think this has more to do with my feeling that i disappointed God than it did with my mother passing.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
This was my 7 am text.
Unfortunately now all I have to do is deal with him on the taxes.
I now know why people just hire a hit man.