Thursday, January 11, 2018

We are even

Today is my step dad's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday. He replied with something about his job, thanked me for me asking (which I really didn't) and thanked me for the sentiment.

4 years ago we were putting my mother in a nursing home. Rodney had already started seeing someone and she was at the hospital.

I want to apologize so much to my mother. I picked him over her. I now know that when the going got rough, he got going.

It still really breaks my heart. Some days I feel fine and some days it just kicks my ass. This last week it has just been kicking my ass.

This is when I truly want to just pack up and move somewhere else and make new memories. I would miss what little family I have.

Funny thing is, I have seen him twice since the whole cutting situation. It was a spring tornado that destroyed my step mom's shop. I managed to find my way to her through the downed power lines. When I got there, she was just standing in the what was left of her shop. She turned around and I just hugged her and said I was sorry. We spoke for a few minutes. I turned to walk to my car. Rodney turned, saw me, and didn't say a word. I didn't either so I guess we are even.

Before I left petco, he and his wife came into the store. Joe had taken me to work so I don't know if they came because they didn't think I was there or if they came to see if I was there. I hid for a few minutes and then decided that it was silly. I had signs to hang so I went to work. They never said anything to me and I never said anything to them. Once again, i guess we are even.

Last week, Joe gets a message from Dana that they have done a segment on her new building and it will be on the 10 o clock news.

It all came flooding back.

Friday, January 5, 2018

Too much

My anxiety is getting worse.

Joe and I went to Wal-Mart and I felt as if I was going to get mugged in the parking lot. An angry black woman was dragging her screaming kid through the parking lot while cussing walmart. There were 2 people getting out the car that was parked in front of us and I thought they looked sketchy.

We had a contractor come to the house and give us a quote on a screened in back porch. He was the guy that did Rodney's bathroom. I looked at that poor guy and told him that he was married to my mom and that was her house. I still get choked up thinking about it.

I missed my psychiatrist appointment last month. I called today fearing that I wouldn't be allowed to come back. The lady put me on hold forever then she was able to get me in next week. I am kind of concerned, I am NEVER able to get in that quickly.

I feel as though my ADD is at an all time high.

I really feel like a failure. Everything is out of control, my weight, my finances,  my emotions, and I drink to stop all of the thoughts that won't stop!

I am about a month into a new job and I cannot seem to get a grip on anything!

I feel as if someone is setting on my chest, I want to just break down and cry. I feel like a disposable human being. I hate the way my emotions makes Joe feel. I can see it in his eyes, he wonders if he is going to come home to a dead wife.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

It is what it is

It is neither right nor wrong.
It is neither good nor bad.
It just is.

Non judgmental stance.

My therapist tried to get me to work on this probably 2 months ago but i am sure that i allowed some drama to throw me off track.

Today it finally made sense to me. It is a freeing feeling. I spend so much time beating myself up for things i didn't do right. Things i could've done better. Things other people did that were wrong. What other people think of me, what they think i did wrong. I am in a position to not be liked, to be scrutinized, to have all actions judged. I ran for office. I've been divorced twice. I live in a small town. I am not perfect.

I think i was able to let go of some pain today, to look at things a bit different.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Therapy

I went to therapy today, by the time i got there my therapist asked if i had been crying all day.

I have internalized that spending Christmas alone and receiving no gifts into i am not special.

I have also taken blame for the Rodney situation. As in he is good and i am bad. I told my therapist that it is easier to take blame when the other person is gone. She said it was because I am a controlling person.

She said it must be tiresome the effort i put into connecting the dots to assign myself blame.

Yes, it is.

I am so tired of feeling sad and i don't know how not to anymore.

I am starting the self defeating behavior; drinking, spending money i don't have, and eating.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Dejavu

I read last night that symptoms of bipolar surface at the age of 18.

I remember my first huge depressive episode happened when i was a senior in high school.

I worry about sydni, the past year has been really hard on her. All of her friends have chosen drinking, guys, or other girls over her. I am sure that she is depressed. She doesn't dress up anymore. I worry more that next year her boyfriend will be gone and she will not have anyone at school to hang out with. I don't want sydni to have the senior year i had. I don't want her to have the life i had.

I feel as though my hands are tied. I was thinking of trying to reach out to her mom and trying to bring up the subject (which would have been a disaster i am sure) but her mother decided to take the day that joe and i had her to celebrate Christmas with her family without consulting joe.

It just breaks my heart to see her damaged. I don't want her to have my childhood.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Merry Christmas

We celebrated Christmas on thursday.
Friday came and i was so thankful that it was over.

I was going to send Rodney and Dana a Christmas card. My therapist thought it would be a good way to keep the lines of communication open. I told him i loved him and i was sorry when he sent the text for my birthday. I never received a response. I don't think there is anything more that i need or can do.

Joe had to work Christmas eve and Christmas day so i drank a few beers and enjoyed an empty house. I didn't even ask for anything for Christmas nor did i receive anything. I thought it was appropriate for the way i felt.

I am thankful that it is all over.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Therapy

I am feeling like the karate kid, wax on...wax off

I went to therapy and read my last blog. My concerns about not being able to form attachments to people or giving my husband what he wants and needs were missed and instead she focused on how judgemental i was. This being true but didn't seem to me to be the most important issue on the table.

I feel as though i walk away from her sessions more confused, judged, and off kilter than i should. I am thinking of seeing both therapists. Sometimes i need tough love but there are times i need someone who isn't watching the clock and is my soft place to land.