Sunday, May 1, 2016

Fill that hole

My weight is at it's heaviest.
I had all of my credit cards maxed.

I don't know what hole i am trying to fill. I was so overwhelmed the other day. I just sat and cried. I don't know how to not feel this way. I feel as though i keep getting knocked down. I keep continuing self defeating behaviors.

I can't over spend because i chopped up all of my credit cards. Chocolate is cheap. I won't buy a candy bar because i see it as too many calories but i will buy a bag of chocolate and mindlessly eat the entire bag. The voice in my head is telling me that i don't want nor need anymore but i just continue.

The weight on my body is too much. My ankles hurt. It is hard for me to get up and walk if i have sat too long. I am tired.

It is as if i can't have someone treating me badly then i must do it to myself.

The ring

Today, joe and i went to the Renaissance fair. Which really is food, gift shops, and a bunch of people dressed weird. They really seem to get into so go them.

I was looking for a silver pinky ring. I was looking for something handmade but i couldn't find what i was wanting.

It made me remember the drunk. He once had a sterling silver quarter that he had made into a ring. I really did like the ring. One time we had a fight and he told me to give him the ring back, that i wasn't worthy of the ring. He would give it to one of his daughters.

I then decided that i didn't want the ring anymore.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Watching the story play out

Hold on for this one.

My niece is pregnant and the baby daddy is in jail.

Let me get out my crystal ball and tell you how this one is going to end.

She works at target, he is in jail. When he gets out he isn't going to be able to find a job worth anything since he has a record. My sister has no money to help, since her and my brother are on government assistance. Might as well add my niece to that list. I feel as if this child is her excuse to not pursue a fruitful future. She always talked of having a baby because she wanted something to love. I hope she knows this isn't going to fill the whole that her childhood has caused.

My sister thinks i should somehow be happy for this new "addition". Why yes, let's continue our legacy by having broken people having babies. Instead of a college fund, we better get a therapy fund together. I have been in therapy for years and the pain of the damage that i allowed other people to inflict upon me is still unbearable at times.

My sister cannot understand why i am not able to stand by and watch my niece's life implode. Just thinking of her future gives me anxiety.

One more victim, one more casulty, one more child that is suppose to fix their parents.

This is why i never had children. Someone had to stop the cycle that my niece has now insisted on continuing.

Monday, April 25, 2016


I decided yesterday that i cannot be a baboom.

It is amazing how you become so interested in something that you normally wouldn't give a second glance. This only seems to happen when  you are suppose to be doing something you really don't want to do.

I was watching natgeo and there was a documentary about baboons. The males all have a barking contest in the morning. All i could think of was it's morning, really? Is there a need for all of that noise? Can't we just enjoy a nice cup of coffee?

My husband gets up the minute his alarm goes off. I am in love work my snooze button. I will hit that snooze button at least 10 times. I would hate to live with me. I have always found it extremely difficult to get out of bed. I have never had a bedtime because i fell asleep early.

Joe is such a happy person that i sometimes tell him to take it down a notch. Ironically, syd is just like me so i have to tell joe to stop messing with her because all it does is annoy her.

Saturday, March 12, 2016


no one in my house is able to fold laundry, they are all experts at washing the laundry

today I was folding the laundry and I noticed that I fold my pants the exact way that my ex husband used to always get upset at me because I was unable to fold his pants the way he wanted. I thought he was just being an ass but now I get it. yes I noticed the irony.

I have become quite ocd about my closet. I now have all of my clothes, shirts at least, sorted by color. short sleeve on the right, then long sleeve, and then sweaters. I love a good sweater. Since I have acquired a new chocolate addiction, my clothes are revolting against me and not wanting to fit. the sweater has become my security blanket. they have to be at least 3/4 sleeve and I buy them in the womens section, at least a 1x (which if I don't stop eating so much chocolate, I will soon be shopping in).

so my office has become a space issue. I now have my grandmothers chest of drawers (I used to think that people were saying chester drawers, which makes no sense). I actually have company so we put up syd's old bed. I have no other wall to put it on but the built in bookcases. now I am unable to access some of the stuff in the bookcase but that is okay I am able to just pull out the bed.

I also was given my mothers time life sewing/fashion books from the 70s, they are quite a hoot. I have now made a space for them as well. we (I) are still trying to get the office all organized so that I will spend time in here and I can stop blogging from my phone, which is so time consuming but easier for the 30 minute ride to Checotah. 

I have now added my step dad to the list of people I am not talking to. that would be 3 fathers now. I have decided that my mother liked narcissistic people. I didn't realize it until now that I have had some space to reflect. I don't know my real father so I can only look at the letters mother left me but he seemed non committal like butch. it took me a long time to realize that men are non committal due to their issues, not me. I used to dislike women who thought they could change a man. I thought that I needed to change myself to have them love me, which is worse.

I read a quote today about marriage and it stated that great marriages don't happen by luck. actually they kind of do, if you are lucky and smart, you will pick the right partner and that will be half the battle. I love the fact that joe and I don't fight. I love to spend time with my husband. I notice that when I feel distant from him, I am not myself. I am also blessed that I am able to make my schedule around his. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Walking in quicksand again

I am just emotionally exhausted this week.

I got up at 6 yesterday, drove to ft smith, went to the store, home to see joe before he left and then back to the store.

It looked as though dustin spent his whole day working on replacing the handhelds. I was so disgusted that i just picked up all of the old stuff and put it in a box, taped it together and put the ups label on it. IT called me twice last night, nothing is fixed. I finally left at 8. I was so exhausted that i felt as if i was going to puke. I left a note, do what you can, work truck, sell a few dog training classes, and dont leave me a mess for Saturday morning. Dustin called me this morning. I told him to tell helpdesk to call me saturday, we have no more time to spend on this issue.

Joe is really sick. He went to the doctor on monday, they gave him a steroid shot, for what i have no idea.

Last night i told a family friend about rodney and dana getting married. She asked me if i had found out via Facebook, one step away, i received a message via Facebook from Michelle. She told me that it was wrong, she knew that it had really hurt my feelings and she apologized.

It felt so good to have someone acknowledge my feelings without a long drawn out conversation. It makes me cry to think of how few times people have just stopped to notice how i felt. I look at the simplicity of that single action and realize that life doesn't have to be as difficult as it is and was. I think of the people and situations that i had to fight with someone to get them to just get a half ass sorry from them makes me realize how much i have discounted myself.

I now understand why someone telling me they were sorry made me so uncomfortable and i would just say "its alright". I had heard it so little in my life.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Changing the paradigm

This morning i was driving to work and i saw a father walking his daughter to school. I thought that it was really sweet and i smiled.

At one point in time i would've judged that man based on his appearance instead of seeing the beauty.

I was once told there is no talent in pointing out the negative. I was looking through Facebook last night. There was a video with a remark of how funny it was. It was a woman who was dancing, she was enjoying herself. I stopped watching it because I saw nothing funny about the video. She wasn't dressed trendy, she didn't have the most amazing dance moves, and she wasn't a size zero. Which i am sure what the person thought was so funny.

The next video (which i didn't watch) was the picture of a plus size woman in a bathing suit, standing at the top of a water slide. I am hoping the lady didn't voluntarily allow someone to video her but i am not sure that having someone videotaping her to begin with isn't worse.

I am a size 12 to 14. I have put on a few pounds lately due to my new chocolate addiction. I don't feel the need to beat myself up (swimsuit season will probably change my mind). I can guarantee i won't look like cindy crawford at the pool this summer either. I would hope that no one would be so cruel to post a video of me so others could laugh.

Sadly, i understand. I would've reposted something like that thinking it was hilarious and trying to make myself feel better about my weight.