Friday, May 27, 2016

The representation of baggage

I had another one of those days

I woke up this morning thinking i had things to get accomplished and all i wanted to do was sleep.

I had an eye exam 2 weeks ago this Tuesday. I wanted to keep my old frames because i get completed on them all of the time. They had to send in the frames to have the correct lenses installed. Joe calls yesterday and they have "been broken" twice? I can no longer function without glasses so i go to the 1 hour place next to the store and get 2 pairs (sunglasses and eyeglasses) for under $200. My last frames were $300. I can see now.

I started my day with a breakdown. I talk to my mother and god. I know that my mother was saved but became very angry at the end of her life. I was sure at one time she had gone to somewhere other than heaven because she looked so frightened when she died. My conundrum this morning, if i talk to my mother, am i talking to someone who is ungodly and how would i know. I am in a group on Facebook that is a informative bible study. I proposed my confusion to the group and wasn't really satisfied with the answer.

One of my employee's dad came in looking for her. He seemed concerned because he was unable to find her. We went to the office and i called her on my cell. I left the office so they could talk. He brought my phone back and asked if Rodney was my dad. Yes. He is a good man. I changed the topic to my mother. He told me i looked exactly like her. There was a time that would have bothered me but i have embraced the comparison.  It may be the only thing i have left of her.

I am now nine again and dealing with a parent who is unable to get passed the person and all of the baggage that i represent.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Never a boring moment

I have decided that it is probably a good thing that my dogs aren't children.

While sitting at the dinner table, joe is telling mesha to stop licking, samson to stop messing with his ears, and marley to stop standing on paisely's head. Geez.

They would all be riding the short bus licking the windows, when they weren't licking or trying to eat everything else.

The other night i am leaving work. My car alarm keeps going off so my car won't start. I get out, get back in and it's fine. I am driving down the street, my mirrors are all jacked up. The thought comes to me that someone has been driving my car. I am getting all pissed trying to work it all out in my mind. Then i realized that i sounded like a crazy person. Yep, someone stole my car, drove it around and managed to park it right where it was parked.

Butch got on this rant once. I couldn't help but laugh at him which made him think i was messing with him (like the time he was convinced i was putting grecian formula in his shampoo). I pointed out the same illogical thought process that i just had. He didn't get it. This is why i get phone calls from my sister wanting to know how i lived with a crazy man for so long. All i can say is, life was never boring.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Sadness

The sadness started to infiltrate my being last night. My cashier immediately sensed it and kept asking me if i was okay. She felt like i needed a hug.

I took today off, thinking it would be a busy day trying to get everything together for Drew's graduation. Joe and i had some extra money from the refinance of the house. We wanted to make sure that drew had a reliable car to get to new mexico state. Jenny found a car, a friend of ours helped get financed, and we have all been trying to get a car for his graduation. It was all going well until the car ended up being a piece of crap. Which was a big downer for all of us.

I need to get up and see if i have a dress that i can actually wear to graduation tonight. I have  stuff to mail, things to return, and all i want to do is cry.

Joe is scared that i will cut myself again. I am wanting to, my last cut is about to heal. The only way i know to deal is to take my anxiety medicine.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Therapy

I went to see my therapist yesterday.

We discussed my arm. I really think i did it for sympathy. Depression is sick an inward disease. I want there to be signs that i am sick. I want people to ask me how i am feeling even though i am conditioned to say fine, great, making it....

Someone told me that when her mother died that her sister looked at her and said now they were orphans. I know that sounds extreme but my therapist says i need to stop reaching outward to have my holes fixed. I am going to have to fix the holes myself.

Joe was in the room with me during therapy. I wasn't sure if that was allowed or not but i think it helped him understand my struggles at times.

I reached out the olive branch to butch. I called and asked if he wanted to meet his granddaughter. We met for dinner on Saturday. It was nice to have someone baby me, be upset that i was treated wrongly, and be genuinely interested in sydni.

I feel like a fraud just replaying my childhood if i didn't get what i wanted/maybe needed from one place, i just went to the other. Always feeling like i had to choose. I need to tell myself the same thing that i feel about syd. There is enough love to go around.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Banging my head


I am just emotionally exhausted. This was my conversation with rodney today.

The pool is open water a little cool give it a week or so and it will be warm. Although cold water never stopped you and the kids.
We were just thinking about you guys hope all is well. We are here for ya and I love you.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I am drowning. I cut myself because i wanted to feel something different. I went to the dr  (gp) yesterday and thank goodness i didn't get committed.

Well That is hard for me to hear. I certainly don't have advise here other than to tell you that your not alone. Dana and I are here to help if we can. We never left your side and I didn't stop loving you.

I felt like you had dana and you no longer needed me. I feel like it's just joe and i. I have no one to depend other than joe.

That was not so. That was never our intention. We hurt your feelings when we got married and you withdrew. You knew we would probably run off to get married. We ment you or no one else any harm and sure didn't mean to isolate you. You must get Jesus Christ in your life. Faith will heal you. God has a plan and you should put your worries and trials in his hands. Let go and live. Love your husband and family but more than that love your life. You know that I have never turned you away when you come to me for help. I always have helped you if it was within my power to do. God will not turn you away and he loves you to. Never stop valuing things that get better over time.

I pray and cry every day to jesus for help. I was upset about you getting married because i felt like dana shouldn't have been the one to tell me because she keeps getting put in the middle then you told me i was being silly and that i was going to find out with everyone else. Sorry, i thought i was more special than that. You aren't the most open person lately and i knew it would hurt my feelings if you just discounted my feelings. I am in real trouble here and i wasn't feeling like much of a priority.

We went to celebrate joe's and syd's birthday in your brand new truck listening to you to tell us how we should do things.  We were drowning in debt. Mom died you got a new truck. I got an earring that she died in and a dresser. When we got back to your house that night, you couldn't wait to give me my dress, all of mother's family stuff. I cried all the way home because i knew that wasn't my home anymore.  I called you for Christmas and you had plans, fine. Could you have at least made time for dessert. I told dana for you to do whatever about getting married because i knew you were anyway and i was just trying to prepare myself. Then you told me i was being silly for getting upset. I don't want to argue about semantics. You did me just like butch did, you had dana and didn't need me anymore. It has broken my heart because you were the last person i expected it from. Mother's day just reminded me that i had no one.

I find it hard to figure how you all could be in so much debt since I know together you make over 6 figures. I owed money on the explorer traded it for the truck which I pay 850 a month for. You could have had anything of your mothers you wanted. You and DeeDee were there and I told you that. I got no money from your mothers death. Spent what we had for nursing home and hospital. We work and save for things we want. I thought it was a bad idea to give syd a car without her working for it. Still do. Since you knew we were getting married I said it was silly that you got upset anyway. Would you have been happy if you had planned the wedding and been part of it or are you just mad cause I have a relationship with Dana.  Your dress and stuff was yours not mine to store. By the way the house was never your home. You may have spent a month total there your entire life. Always when I attempt to give advice you called me crotchety and told everyone about it. Before the funeral you told me I would be the one having mental problems over your mothers death. Turns out it was you. Well I can't fix this or your financial problems or anything else. Oh Christmas, we weren't even in town. You don't control my life with your feelings no more than Butch lets you or his other daughter control his. I'm sorry you feel this way. Sad to say it is the same way your mother would have felt. I pray that you joe and syd have a wonderful life. You will I suppose think of this again every mothers and Father's Day the rest if your life.  I'm sorry your hurt by my refusal to die with your mother. Life moves on always for me as well as for you.

I didn't want you to die, i wanted to be a part of your life but it doesn't seem to be important. It didn't when you got married and it doesn't now. You just don't get it. I always felt like that was my home, my safe haven, the place i could go and be comfortable. I was mistaken. I wasn't jealous about dana. Once again i wanted to be part of your life. I don't want to control your feelings except for you acting like mine aren't important to you anymore or at least respecting them. I do believe that dana did put together a dinner for Christmas and we played dirty santa. Here we are again, me wanting to be part of your life and feeling as though it is neither here nor there for you. We should just agree to disagree, stop talking about it and i will try to stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I pray that you and dana have a wonderful life as well.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Drowning

I am still on the roller coaster of emotions.

I wasn't raised in the church but i have always been spiritual. I read my Bible when i can, pray for people when i don't want to, ask God for forgiveness when i have done wrong, and get inspiration from Christian music.

I received a text from Rodney today. I am not sure why he reached out to me today. I told him i was drowning and i felt as if i had no one to depend on other than joe. Since he had dana, he had no use for me anymore. He said that i withdrew after he was married, his intention wasn't too hurt anyone. I know that i am very sensitive but once again i pointed out that i didn't think i was just anyone.

He said that if i had come to him, he wouldn't turn me away. If i had went to him and he dismissed my feelings telling me i was silly like he did when i told him it was his place to tell me he was getting married. I would've turned right and joined my mother at her grave.

I need to find God and he, like God would never turn their back on me. Smh.

I know that well meaning people tell you that God has a plan when going through a rough time but i am exhausted of my life being one big lesson. I know that i have made my life harder then it needed to be at times but this is getting old.

I am 43. I put on my mask and go to work because no one there wants to know my issues. I come home where joe is frightened that i may leave him. I just want to feel something different than i do now.

I cry to God everyday for help.

Monday, May 9, 2016

lost and confused

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I disliked seeing all of the mother's day posts. I usually disliked mother's day because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mother. This year it just made me feel alone.

I am mourning the loss of 2 relationships. Rodney, we had become emotionally dependent on one another and my mother who had always done for me. She could be warm and open at times but i was always afraid that she could turn on a dime and cut me to the bone.

It has made me stop being so wreckless with money. I am an adult, not a child, and i have to learn to depend on myself. I really don't think if i needed help that i could REALLY depend on anyone other than joe.

Yesterday was so hard. I cried at the mere mention of mother's day. I had a customer who is really kind of annoying. She wished me a happy mother's day. I told her i didn't have any kids and it was generally just a sucky day. Tears were running down my face. I should've felt bad but i just couldn't help it.

This mood followed me last night into today.

I was so distraught last night that i went to the garage and got one of blades that come a 100 to a box, took the paper off and sliced my arm about an inch. I was shocked at how easy the blade pierced my skin. At first it didn't bleed but i wanted it to, so i pinched it like a pimple.  The blood wasn't the deep dark red that i was expecting and i became confused. I went to the bathroom and cleaned my wound, i put gauze on it and wrapped it with tape. I hid it from joe and would move so i could feel the wound.

I hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

This was the only thing that continued in my head.

I turned my phone off yesterday and refused to turn it back on until today. I called my doctor and was able to get in today. I told joe what i had done and that i was going to get help.

He immediately left work. I felt horrible when i saw him.

My doctor noticed the gash in my arm and asked what happen. I told her. I am not sure if she asked why. I sounded like an idiot "i wanted my outside to look like my inside." "I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling".

I am menopausal. I didn't get committed. I have new meds and a new psychiatrist.