Monday, December 1, 2014

the pain

the last week has been really hard, i have gone from being amused by things to feeling as if i wanted to just lay down and give up

i felt like the poor lady who was bawling over her fish dying, one little thing was all it was going to take to push me over the edge

Saturday morning was it, one of my people told me that my ex mother in law died......i called Matt to tell him how sorry i was and ask what i could do and i just fell apart.  so i just sent him a text and told him to delete my message.  he never responded which i didn't think he would.  me getting remarried was the ultimate betrayal. 

as when anyone tells me something horrible about myself, i just play it in my mind....over and over again.  i can remember Bobbi telling me that i was selfish and the only person that i thought of was myself.  i was hurt that no one came to my mothers funeral and she looked me dead in the eye and said "you hated your mother, she was a bitch".   it was as if someone sucked the air out of the room.  Dustin said he couldn't believe she said that.  it just made me realize exactly what type of person i was dealing with.  today i realized that she is projecting her junk on to me.  it really isn't about me, but it is affecting me.  i just pray that one day she will find someone that is good to her and she doesn't ruin it with her own issues.

my niece saw her ex riding around in a car with a bunch of girls, it really bothered her.  i told her why girls like the bad boy, but the issue is that he will always treat you bad and hurt you. 

i can remember being a teen and when i would get hurt i would just wallow in the pain, reliving it and dragging it out as long as i could.  i just thought that i was being a melodramatic teenager, but there is part of me that really thought i deserved it, it felt so good.  i had done to my mind and my heart what most girls do when they cut, except all of my scars were on the inside. 

my first husband.  i so wanted someone to see how bad he had treated me and justify my pain and the injustice of it all, but there was no one to do that.  my family wasn't and his family couldn't,  i cant stand women that play the victim, but i have done it so much.  being the martyr, taking on all of the maybe someone, somewhere would see this and come and save me and validate my pain. 

i so wanted someone to validate my life, my pain, and the injustice of it all and tell me that i didn't deserve one did

Thursday, November 20, 2014


and i received another blow today, one of my key people are leaving and i have not a clue how to replace her

i am feeling defeated.  i am trying very hard not to get into the "if work is going good, then my personal life is crap" state of mind.  then i think that it is karma for my problem child leaving. 

i am just trying to give it to god

interestingly enough i had a guy call me about a job interview, he had seen my resume' on my college website.  i have to go see him on monday.  i doubt they can pay me what i need, but it would be interesting and less stressful to do something else than what i have done the last two decades of my life. 

i talked to my sister today, i guess she has been committed since the day she showed up in Tulsa and i went and got her.  she doesn't really remember that day.  she sounded good.  they have diagnosed her again with schitzophernia and i can say that she does get very paranoid.  she is part of a program where someone comes by either daily or a few times a week and makes sure she is taking her meds.  she is also taking a three month shot, which should help her not to forget her meds.  i don't know what to think and i am really not going to put much thought into it because i am emotionally exhausted from my own personal roller coaster. 

i am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about this entire week but it is hard.  i had a boss once who told me that my first reaction to change was always to be negative and then after i sat with it awhile, i would calm down and start to see the bright side of things. 

lord, i hope so.  i could really use the favor. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

paradigm shift

so today my problem child gave her notice

i have done very well, i have tried to pray for her and her family for the last 30 days.  i am not as angry, but i am still very cautious.  i expect the next two weeks will be interesting.  i am looking forward to many hot line calls.  oh well, as long as she doesn't darken my door after the fifth of December.   

it has been hard for me to not be snarky about what a bad manager i am and how i only take care of myself.  after she called me a selfish bitch when i asked about her son that day, i don't ask about her or her family. 

this hostile work environment brought back a lot of memories of my last job and how i felt that i had too many knives in my back.  one thing it made me do is......face it.  that is the issue, most of the time you are betrayed by someone, you delete them from your life.  you don't talk to them anymore or see them.  this has been the hardest thing for me, but it has really taught me boundaries with my coworkers.  i knew that she was a snake.  i did what i could, thinking that maybe she would realize that not everyone in the world is out to get her, but she isn't in the place to receive it. 

in my last situation, i felt so helpless, like i had no power.  then i remembered i am the best micro manager around.  she was winning, i was staying away from her and she didn't have to do anything except what she wanted.  when my paradigm shifted, i stopped feeling so defenseless and i took my power back. 

it is amazing how a shift in looking at a situation changes everything

Thursday, November 6, 2014


now my dad thinks that my mother's spirit is in the house and she is trying to kill him for taking her to the nursing home and not letting her die at home. 

he had a dream that he was down the road, ran home, found a garden hose in the yard.  went into the house and found mother, in white, head covered in a white scarf cleaning a closet.  He told her she was dead. she told him that he had killed her.   She went for him and he shot her.  She then turned into a witch with a sickle, which he took from her and killed her.  He woke up scared to death, heart racing, sweating, breathing hard.

he is uneasy because of the dream, believing that she is there at the house.  he believes that she will see to his death so he can be with her.  He thinks that she will make sure that he doesn't have any relationships in the future.  He is scared to fly and drive his motorcycle, she never liked him doing those things.  Her last final act before going to the nursing home was to back the mule (a sort of ATV) at a high speed and run it into the retaining wall.  He now thinks that since the mule is acting up that she is around.

i don't know, we all have our cross to bear.  i think that he is being irrational and i am sure that he thinks that i am irrational with my paranoia of everyone and their agenda.

i don't know if there are ghosts or spirits.  i am really afraid if there are that they are trapped and didn't make the transition to their final destination.  i will probably think that until she shows up at my house.  wow, i really hope she cleans out my closets or at least the floors. 

forgiveness and karma

forgiveness....i can give you a million quotes, but the one that i like best is "i want to forgive you and i want to forget you".

i wish that was as easy as it sounds.  i cant work with someone who has motives against me and wants to hurt me.  my paranoia is high and i think that everyone has an agenda,  this is god making me face my depot situation all over again, except this time i have the power.  i have given someone else the power over me.  i am so tired of the fights and getting nowhere that i dont even go there anymore and she gets to do exactly what she wants to do and i get to wander around trying not to deal with her.  this is going to be a battle and i will win or she will, but i cannot live like this anymore.  my therapist says that i have to be switzerland but i cant, i am the boss and must take control of the situation...hopefully i dont choke her out. 

monday, i went to therapy and on the way home.  i prayed for everyone that had hurt me and i asked god to bless them and heal our hearts from any hurt. i prayed once for a lady who spoke ill of me to whoever would listen, and it really did heal my heart.  then skippy sent me a text telling me that her husband had been on life support and they made the decision to pull the plug.  i thought for a moment that was karma for all of the mean spirited things she did to people, then thought "what a horrible thought"

my therapist says that i am too caught up in the injustices of the world.  she is right.  when something bad would happen, we would say that it was all part of God's plan.  now i dont know, i think bad things happen to good people for no reason.  i think that i am too soft hearted and let it all get to me.  you would think with all of the bad things that happened to me that i wouldnt be so soft hearted, but i still am. 

i think that if you are a good person and treat people right, that good things will happen to you.  i didnt do a thing to those people that wasnt just and right, now they want to write a letter talking about my bad management style.  most of those people, i gave a job to, when no one else would.  this is how i am paid back. i just want to punch them in the gut and tell them they are mean spirited people. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

different generations

i know that it is the job of every generation to think that another generation has it better, i will spare you the walk uphill 6 miles every day in the snow to get to school story

my youngest niece's future just scares the crap out of me.  she is suppose to be doing online schooling (not that i saw her on the computer once while she was here).  her father supposedly made her a deal that she had 2 weeks to pass her GED.  she doesn't have a job, her father bought her a vehicle, pays the insurance, and the gas. 

when i was 16, i had to buy my own car, pay my insurance, pay for maintenance, buy my own gas.  I think that pretty much when i got my first job, the only thing that i didn't pay for was housing and food. 

i just look at her with her nose ring (not the cute little diamond piercing but something that looks as though it would be in a bull's nose), her blue hair, and the fact that she is 17 and doesn't even have a JOB.

my dad asked her what her plans were for the future.  i think the best that she came up was working at a shoe store, which is probably why she only stayed with him half the day. 

i don't understand this whole not going to school thing, if i would've came home and told butch that i didn't want to go to school.  there is no way he would have entertained that idea for a nano second.  i could tell him that i didn't like school, all the way to school, all day while i was at school, and all the way home from school......but i would be in school

do not get me wrong, i didn't have it all figured out at 17, but i was at least doing something other than sitting on my behind.....that's right i was in high school and working

Sunday, October 26, 2014

boundaries and parenting

married life.......hilariously enough today is the first day since we have been married that we have been alone. 

here is my first step mother issue. i never had a good relationship with my mother (not long term), so i am not sure how to advise my step daughter how to deal with her mother.  My long term concern is that her mother is so invasive that syd wont be able to develop healthy boundaries.  I am 42 and i am just now trying to figure out how to do that.  I want her to have a healthy relationship with her mother and not have to pay an arm and a leg for therapy.  This technology age changes everything.  Her mother wants to not only snap chat, facebook, instagram, and tweet with her daughter but her friends and her boyfriend.  I realize that i may be too lax about the dangers of internet and i should monitor her actions on this sit, but i think that she should have some privacy as well.  If someone is always making decisions for her then how will she know how to make decisions for herself. 

I am also concerned that her mother is trying to live her teenage years through her daughter.  the other night we received a text from syd stating that she was done with her mother.  her mother came into her room and was dancing around with some music and syd wanted some privacy.  She told her mother to stop and she didn't, she then told her mother that she was starting to get mad and she needed to leave.  her mother then grounder her from her future functions (yes, i realize i am only getting one side of the story).  now she is ungrounded because she took the block off her mother on her social networking sites. 

the other thing that makes me uncomfortable is her mother texts her boyfriend......a lot.  this is really creepy and syd does not like it neither does the boyfriend, but he is afraid that if he doesn't text with her mother that he wont be able to see syd. 

joe and i made a place for her in our house, i let her paint it however and helped her decorate because i wanted her to have a place that was her own.  i don't go in her room unless i have something for her.  joe says that he has started knocking before he enters to give her space that is just hers.  i don't complain about how her room looks, she is a teenager, i don't live in it, so it isn't my deal.  cleanliness wasn't important to me either at that age and i am not going to spend what time we have together complaining to her about it. 

joe asks for my advice, which is nice, but at the end of the day, i am her stepmother.  as one of my ex's told me once, how is the view from the cheap seats when i was complaining about his child's mother. 

that really puts you in your place quick