Sunday, April 20, 2014

putting on my big girl panties

I worked through my Chester issue. 

I was upset because once again i picked butch.  I thought that i had chosen better, but the chasing after a younger woman, the whole making sex such a dirty thing with the naked pictures reminded me of butch when i was growing up. 

Once again it makes me unsure of myself when making decisions. 

I did finally enroll for school, not sure how i will pay for it, but i have released that to God. 

I have been so grateful lately.  My roof was probably about 2 years overdue for a replacement.  We had a hail storm and the insurance guy came out, totalled my roof and the building out back.  I am hoping that i will get the check soon so that the new roof will be put on. 

I have also refinanced my house.  I am suppose to close on that tomorrow as well.  I am just going to give it to God that i have the money to cover the closing costs. 

I would have never imagined that i would be doing all of this alone, but at almost 42.  I think that it is time that i put on my big girl panties. 

I have stopped beating myself up for yet another failed marriage.  I prayed to God for forgiveness.  My therapist told me to forgive myself.  I think the story of Chester snapped me back to the reality of that isn't the type of person that i want to spend my life with, which was the reason why i left in the first place.  He was making me into someone i didn't like.  I will take responsibility of the mistakes that i made during the marriage.  I learned during my first marriage to pick your battles.  I think Chester taught me how important partnership is and to not let anyone else in your marriage. 

I have been spending more time with God and his word, which has really help keep me more centered. 

I still eat horribly, which between that and my medication makes me tired. 

My other half is having financial issues and i was starting to take on those issues, they are short term, but i have realized that they aren't my issues to fix.  I am proud of myself for having some healthy boundaries.  I take time for myself when i need it and he is caring enough to give it to me. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

my half brother

Today was tough. I was already crying before I made it to my therapist.
 
I finally got ahold of butch (I am glad to know that my personal issues were a priority to his wife) and asked him to contact my half brother to inform him mother had died. I don't think that I could've gotten through it without a break down and if he rejected me then I would really lose it.  He said that he would do it, so we will see.
 
 

chester

we have officially changed Skippy's name to Chester

one day my significant other, my dad, and i were sitting at a restaurant and this girl walks by.  one of the guys said "i thought that was a little kid".  i said no, that is so and so. 

yesterday i hear that Chester went to eat at this restaurant and left a tip, sent her a text about the size of the tip and she remarked that she didn't get any of the tip because the table actually belonged to someone else.  So, he delivered her an envelope with a hundred dollars in it so that she could buy what she wanted for the holidays.  she then proceeds to tell a story of how she sent him a naked picture. 

i was so stinking embarrassed, then i just wanted to throw up because i cannot believe that i was married to and once loved someone like that.

this morning i was still obsessing over it.  i wanted to send him a text and tell him that she is pregnant and living with her boyfriend and will just take advantage of him.  i then just finally decided to let it go, because there is nothing i can say or do that will stop him from either being used or making a fool out of himself.  the best part was my significant other pointed out that it was probably my money that he used to pay her for her naked picture. 

i have come to the conclusion that i obviously wasn't the one to trip his trigger, maybe he is into chics who look like children

it must be nice to have rich parents who probably bought your house, furniture, and anything else because some evil woman left you. 

i have been trying to become more centered, since i haven't found a church to go to (not that i have been looking), i have been downloading sermons.  today, i listened to one that must have been recorded during the holidays.  the preacher asked that everyone do something different for the holidays, either start doing something you had stopped or stop doing something that you started.  i am sure that leaving my husband wasn't what he had in mind and maybe one day i will stop beating myself up about it. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

my give a crap is broken

I went and saw my shrink last week.  I have become easily irritated about everything....well, i say that, it seems that way only when i am at work.  I keep dragging my feet about school because i am not really sure how i am going to pay for it.  I already have a balance on my credit card and i keep charging like there is no tomorrow.  Oh well, cant take it with you. 
 
We had a hail storm the other night.  Joe's truck has some hail damage and my roof took a beating.  Now i have a claim and i am worried that my insurance will go up and in the end i will just get screwed.  What is it that they say, expect the worst and hope for the best.  This would pretty much sum up my attitude these days.
 
I have to go out of town may 1st....take my assistant and grooming salon manager.  I have a feeling that my GSM is not going to be able to go, but this doesn't surprise me because she has kids and they are her priority as well as they should be.  My boss wont understand and he will tell me to get rid of her.  Sure, i have a line of people standing waiting to take her position.  Groomers are crazy.  I manage to have two sane ones that do a good job grooming, they are the only two that i have and i don't see any more on the horizon.  That is okay, he will come and see me this week to show me how to sell a dog training class...cant wait.  I am pretty close to telling him where to stick my keys. 
 
I am sorry my give a crap is broken. 
 
I guess it is a good thing that my therapist appointment is tomorrow.  I have been really surprised by the fact that my insurance has done a good job of paying for everything.  I am shocked that they haven't deemed me as an existing condition. 
 
I know what part of my issue is, it is that i have worked in a profession since i was 16 that in order to make others happy you have to wear that mask and i wear it well.  I have worn it for so long i have no clue who i am or what I really want. 
 
My bff and i went to see Joseph and the technicolor something or other and on the way home, she was talking about her new step mom and how she makes everything about her.  She takes the blame for situations that go badly.  I told her that i didn't think that she was trying to make it all about her, it was her generation, where women looked good and tried to make everyone happy and if it didn't go that way then somehow it was their fault.  I am afflicted with that by some degree, so much so, that my give a crap broke. 
 
I think someone could come in and tell me that a bus full of nuns drove off a cliff and i would laugh hysterically, pray to god for me not to go to hell, and then go on with my life. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

When will I learn?

So I walked right into the trap Tuesday

Skippy came by with the state taxes for me to sign.  I was trying to be nice and ask him if he wanted the pots and pans that he left. He then pulls out his phone and starts ignoring me. I walk away. He gets done, then says to me that he didn't hear a word I had said. I should have just said never mind. I don't, I repeat myself. "What do mean by pots and pans" was his reply. Pots and pans I say. "Cast iron", no, just basic Teflon pots and pans. He then tells me that he would have to see them. He finally left to tend to his important business.

I became so upset because it brought back all the times that he made me feel unimportant and felt the need to put me in my place. I then became upset because I participated in his little reindeer game.

One of the adoption partners is having a garage sale. Anything left will be donated. I don't need or deserve the aggravation and he obviously doesn't need the pans.

Friday, March 14, 2014

breakdown

well today kind of stunk.  i think that my mother dying is starting to catch up with my father.  he sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay because i had been quiet the last few days. 

I told him that i had been really tired, my monthly visitor has really taken it out of me this month and i keep getting headaches.  i was hoping that my glasses would be in today, but i forgot to call until after they were closed.  i forgot they close at noon on Fridays...wish i could close at noon. 

he is wanting to start listing the stuff that he doesn't use on a local website to see if we can sell it.  i told him that i could help him on Sunday. 

i think that mother's death is starting to catch up with both of us. i always wondered if i would feel differently when she was gone, if i would have wished that i would have tried harder to have a relationship, but then i just shake my head and know that it would have been like asking her to grow a third arm, she just wasn't capable.  This makes me sad.  It also makes me sad that she had it to give to everyone else but not to my dad and I.  I wont ever understand it and her talking about her "walls" just made me think that i needed to be cool and have them too. It might have been more helpful to learn about boundaries and know when and where they are useful.  It was always all or nothing with her and i have to the same extent been the same way.  I am sure that was what my breakdown was about two years ago, learning that i cant do everything and i cant be everything to everyone. 

it is sad, i have only been at work for two days and i am ready for Sunday and Monday to get here so i can take the day off. 

i should start playing the lottery more.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

being right and being alone

today was my first day back at work since Friday.  my head started to hurt midday. i am really hoping that my glasses are ready tomorrow.  i was really thinking that they would be ready today.

i paid the rest of my bills for the month and except for my credit card having a balance, i am pretty proud of myself and i am starting to get a rhythm going.  i still have some money in savings but not enough.  i need to get my direct deposit filled out and start putting away money for an emergency fund.  i may not be able to go back to school this summer.  i don't know.  the good news is that i will have extra money to pay down on my credit card bill next month, maybe i need to put some against my credit card and some in savings. i am concerned about how much my therapy is going to cost me but i really cant afford to not go.  i am starting to have some issues over my mother.

my uncle found the phone number for the child that my mother had before me.  i haven't seen him since before her and butch were divorced and i know the longer that i wait to call him the worse that it will be.  i just don't have a clue what to say....hi, this is your sister and your mother is dead, but don't worry, the amount of money that you spent on therapy has to be way less than what i have had to spend and she was part of my life...kind of. 

yesterday morning i made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and i thought that my mother and i used to have those for breakfast when i came home for the weekend.  when i became an adult our relationship was better but then i married Skippy and by that time the cancer had already taken its toll on her, she had become mean.  i don't know if it was because she was mad that she had cancer or if she just hated everyone.  once she told Skippy that she didn't think that he liked her, his response was that she was the best mother in law that he ever had.  i know, his smart alec responses hurt my feelings more than one occasion as well. 

today one of my department managers told me that her boyfriend told her that they weren't having sex because she had gained weight.  She is by no means fat, she has a little stomach, but at least she doesn't look anorexic like she did when i first met her.  Skippy and I never had sex which took it's toll on my self esteem but at least he didn't tell me that it was because i was fat.....of course not, because that would be actually talking about the problem, which he never wanted to do, because he was always right.