Friday, December 2, 2016

Short fuse

My fuse just keeps getting shorter.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday. Latuda it is. I am in desperate need of relief. The good news is that my boss came today with his doom or gloom, this usually would bring me to tears but i just agreed and went on with life. He walks around telling me how much work i have to do.....with no help. I will get right on that.

My irritation and anger are quick. It scares me at times.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Value

My therapist asked me if i thought i had value.

It's been 3 days since i have seen her and i am still trying to wrap my head around that one.

I think my value is what i can do for other people, what i can give to other people. She asked me if i had value as a human being.  I am thinking, my organs could be sold on the black market.

I don't understand this value thing. I am suppose to have value as a breathing human being. I am a child of God and he unconditionally loves me.

There it is. I don't believe i have value because i equate value to love, people love things they value.

I know that i could go off the rails, cheat, and my husband would instantly leave me. I have disowned/ been disowned by many people in my life. I know that relationships can be gone in a minute.

Intellectually i know this doesn't or shouldn't devalue me but emotionally i think if i had value these people wouldn't abandon me.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Mean girls

So sydni is being shunned by the means girls. I don't have a clue what to do for her but i feel so bad.

I try to do what i wished someone else would've done for me.

I opened my door and gave someone a door ding today. I felt bad (not bad enough to leave a note). I am subscribing Woodley"s theory of Christianity and karma. How many people left me a door ding and didn't say a thing, besides they were parked over the line and that is why i park in BFE!

Maybe boundaries means narcissism.

I was told my ex assistant was committed, his wife walked in and found him standing with a handful of pills in the bathroom. She packed him up and took him away. One of the girls said she saw him on thursday, he hadn't slept in 3 days and looked as if the blood had ran from his body.

Wow.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Blue pill

These are my three emotions; exhaustion, depression, and/or irritation.

I cooked lunch yesterday, ate, and went to bed. I am sure some of it was working 6 days this week, getting up early and cooking, and fighting this cold.

I asked my sister if her depression still got her like that, she said not since she got her meds right. I get so sad, thinking that i might always feel this way.

I want to go back in time and take the blue pill. I want to go back before i knew that life could be different, should be different.

Of course, everyone who works for me is scared that i am going to fall off the deep end and end it all. 

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving and i am missing my mom.

I am thinking of Thanksgivings past. The family i was suppose to have with skippy. Oregon. All of the Thanksgivings that i had at my mother's. We would start cooking whenever watching Christmas Story as the day went by. I remember her trying to make ham gravy, it came out pink.

I have found myself talking to mom today, knowing she would be impressed that i have used a recipe and measuring spoons/cups.

I thought about sending Rodney a happy thanksgiving text but then decided that i just needed take my previous advice and shut up. It was probably a good thing because i hadn't heard from him either. A man that was married to my mother once.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Hey, hey jealousy

So.....i went and picked up my sister today. I saw my niece, great niece, niece, dad, and his wife.

We all survived.

Once again a woman who is jealous of my relationship with my father.

I had a friend call me today whom i had not talked to since the rodney debacle.

He said the issue was that my step mom was jealous of the relationship that rodney had with my mom therefore extending to me. 

I don't think that way. I think that i did something wrong. Something that i needed to explain away, which is why i kept talking when i needed to just shut up!

My poor sister has limited exposure. I think i have overwhelmed her with my constant talking. I am either full speed or broke down on the side of the road. We stopped at a store and i am excitedly talking to the clerk, my sister, myself and i walk off. Sister is overwhelmed. The clerk looks at my frazzled sister and states "that must be your sister......explains it all".

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The rebuild

"A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like a miserable failure. Sherrie's unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and overresponsibility to the core of the problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life."
Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

Spot on.

I look at myself as a problem solver, this is my job in life.

A friend of ours has a project where he has to analyze a relationship.  He picked us because i have a series of disastrous relationships and joe had only been married once before.

He asked us a series of questions. It was eye opening and i felt amazing as if i had a great therapy session. I rated myself as a 7 as a wife. I feel bad that being raped has kept me from being intimate as much as my husband would like. I have been extremely irritated lately.

I wasn't able to take the same days off as joe this week. I am home alone tonight. I took advantage of the time. I took a detox bath. I found some music on the satellite and took the time to read.

Joe called to check on me and this is most like me that i have felt in a really long time.

I am hoping that i have been torn down enough that God is rebuilding me.