Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Looming doom

I am trying to be grateful for the holidays but i have this looming sense of doom.

I thought having family would help but my sister checked out years ago, she is just a shell of her former self.

I don't know if it's the drinking, drugs, or just that life hasn't been kind.

I walked into the kitchen last night and she was sitting at the kitchen table looking stoned (which she probably was). We went to pick her up last night and her apartment looked like a borderline horder with coffee cups everywhere. It reeked of pot. Joe said he thought it was just cigarettes. I think that she had been a shut in for so long that she doesn't know how to socialize.

It was ironic. Last night joe was looking up an actor on Google and was showing a picture of the actor's girlfriend. He showed my sister. She stated that he shouldn't show that to him because she is 200lbs, 50, and has nothing going for her.

Ironic for the girl that seemed to have it all so effortlessly. I used to look up to my sister, never really feeling as though i was good enough and never would be.

I watch intervention frequently. I always wondered how i never ended up a drug addict then the interventionist said something so profound. It isnt what happened in your past that defines you, it what you do with it....

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Walk away joe

It's 3am, i must be lonely....

I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't breath because i was crying. My blood pressure was up because i had a drink and i didnt take my meds last night because I had a drink. I was too hot, too cold and everything irritated me.

Tomorrow, i am calling my therapist after my many conference calls. I need to stop trying to take off on mondays. I guess Thursday and Friday will be my days.

I know that it is easy for me to be a backseat driver when it comes to my parents. As i told butch, i have never once thought that he woke up in the morning and deliberately tried to mess up his child. I just don't think he thought at all.

I don't know how men walk away from their children. Ed walked away from me. Butch was too hurt by his own issues.

I was given all of the legal paperwork for the family. My maternal grandfather married his mistress and left everything to her children. My mom, aunt, and uncle received nothing.

Joe's dad walked away from him. Only finding joe in the last decade. I have met him once, they live 5 or 6 hours from us. Everytime we make plans to go see them, back to michigan they go.

Joe's mom died of cancer. His step dad basically raised his sister. Joe really considered him a dad. They work at the same place, if it weren't for that, i am not sure that he would even see him. Friday night was his grandson's last game, he wasn't there. He didn't even come to our wedding.

I am so outdone by these men and their ability to walk away but meet a woman and are able to put that woman and her children above their own.

I haven't been to butch's house in years but i am sure their is no sign of my sister, the girls, or me.  It just kills me especially since his reasoning for selling my home was to be closer to sister and her children.

That worked out well.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

You can never go home again

As you get older you realize how quickly things change. Just left what was my mother's house and realized it isn't my home anymore. I am thankful that Rodney has someone but it makes me realize how much it is just joe and i. I guess that is why it was so important that my sister spend some time with me for the holidays.

Unfortunately the good memories have left with the bad. It was almost too much for me to walk into the living room. I was too used to my mother sitting on the couch, watching tv, her feet on the ottoman, and the dogs at her side.

Last year i was thankful that i didn't have to endure the stress and anxiety of her during the holidays.

I have never felt as alone as i have tonight.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Bad attitude

I have spent the last couple of weeks feeling like i am done with being the better person.

I am tired of people not showing up to work. I hired a chic week about 3 weeks ago. I told her to come in Monday before last and she couldn't because she had bedbugs. I have realized that when employees start off with drama like this, it never ends. She called me last monday and i told her to call next week. I am going to tell her i found someone else.

Friday night call in. ...can't find her keys and no one can bring her to work. Really? You just got paid, take a cab.

Had a girl that had strep, then had her tonsils taken out then had a bladder infection and brought me a dr note from her psychiatrist.

No call, no show sunday before last. Then callef in Tuesday because she has strep. Amazing that she was over it by Thursday.

They all have literally taken all of my energy, good will, and give a crap. I really just want to smack all of them. I stayed an hour and a half after closing because no one has a sense of urgency, give a crap, or ability to multitask.

Monday, November 2, 2015


I've had a sore throat for almost a week. Yesterday i pulled a muscle and the pain went from hip to hip then decided to set up in my lower back. I had to close last night so i took some pain killers and went on with life. Joe asked me what was wrong, i told him i was getting old, he disagreed. Tell that to my body. Needless to say, sleeping was lots of fun. Joe was at work so the dogs were all over the place. This morning it is just my left hip hurting.

I am closing tonight then i have a few days off which i am thankful. 

Life is funny sometimes. My cousin is getting divorced, she had been married 18 years. I have been married 3 times and haven't managed that many years all together. Her first marriage was much like skippy and i. I remember butch telling me that they either didn't consummate their marriage or he lacked interest in sex. I just couldn't believe that someone would stay married in that situation, then it happened to me.  I sent her a message of encouragement, not really knowing the situation. She then told me she was getting divorced. I told her that we weren't much different, telling her of my story and we both agreed that we stayed because we were embarrassed. Her second husband cheated on her, sounds much like my first. She asked me if i was happy now and i told her yes. She said that gave her hope. There is always hope.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


Last week i had a breakthrough

We went with a couple of friends to a concert in which we had floor seats.

I never go to things like this because i always had to drive, downtown sucks, there are too many people, and the traffic. The entire process gives me anxiety. I had some anxiety when we got the tickets but Rick drove, we arrived in plenty of time, parked, and walked to a great restaurant to have dinner. We walked to the concert, found our seats pretty easy. I didn't have any anxiety about the crowd. I was able to actually be there, be in the moment, and get out of my head (as best as possible). I wasn't counting the minutes until i could go home. I wasn't trying to leave early because of traffic. 

I think it is the first time in my life that i went to something and didn't want to leave the minute i arrived. I didn't have an emotional roller coaster.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Too much

This week was something else.

I sometimes have a pain in my chest. I had read a few weeks ago about a woman who had the same symptoms plus pressure in the esophagus and the jaw, she was having a heart attack. The pressure continued for longer than normal and had spread to the back of my mouth. There is a minor emergency 2 stores down, so i walked down and had them take my blood pressure. It was fine. They took 2 vials of blood. I probably need to have an xray taken of my lungs since i smoked so long. I get concerned that is where my pain comes from.

I had a regional visitor last week and my team failed. My boss called and said he was going to be at my store tuesday by 12 doing a follow up visit, have all of my managers there. We have a weekly conference call at 11am.

I had planned to be at the store by 11 but i woke up with an upset stomach. The dogs are barking, the kittens are trying to crawl all over me while i am using the restroom. I finally have to just give up and get in the shower. I have to take my conference call driving across town.

I get to the store and no boss. I call him after we are finished with the call wanting to know what time he was going to be there. My team has been there since 5am and one person is off. He finally gets there at 1. He talks with people, gives me a written warning about how i have failed to schedule for animal needs. This started to upset me but then he wanted to counsel on something else. He tried this last month and he had the wrong information again. I lost it, told him that his expectations were unrealistic, then went to the salon, splashed cold water on my face and neck, sat in the floor and hugged on traci's pit bull. I went to the salesfloor and started putting out freight.

My boss came and tried to help, telling me that i had been in this place before. I told him yes and i had left that situation.