Wednesday, April 16, 2014
one day my significant other, my dad, and i were sitting at a restaurant and this girl walks by. one of the guys said "i thought that was a little kid". i said no, that is so and so.
yesterday i hear that Chester went to eat at this restaurant and left a tip, sent her a text about the size of the tip and she remarked that she didn't get any of the tip because the table actually belonged to someone else. So, he delivered her an envelope with a hundred dollars in it so that she could buy what she wanted for the holidays. she then proceeds to tell a story of how she sent him a naked picture.
i was so stinking embarrassed, then i just wanted to throw up because i cannot believe that i was married to and once loved someone like that.
this morning i was still obsessing over it. i wanted to send him a text and tell him that she is pregnant and living with her boyfriend and will just take advantage of him. i then just finally decided to let it go, because there is nothing i can say or do that will stop him from either being used or making a fool out of himself. the best part was my significant other pointed out that it was probably my money that he used to pay her for her naked picture.
i have come to the conclusion that i obviously wasn't the one to trip his trigger, maybe he is into chics who look like children
it must be nice to have rich parents who probably bought your house, furniture, and anything else because some evil woman left you.
i have been trying to become more centered, since i haven't found a church to go to (not that i have been looking), i have been downloading sermons. today, i listened to one that must have been recorded during the holidays. the preacher asked that everyone do something different for the holidays, either start doing something you had stopped or stop doing something that you started. i am sure that leaving my husband wasn't what he had in mind and maybe one day i will stop beating myself up about it.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
So I walked right into the trap Tuesday
Skippy came by with the state taxes for me to sign. I was trying to be nice and ask him if he wanted the pots and pans that he left. He then pulls out his phone and starts ignoring me. I walk away. He gets done, then says to me that he didn't hear a word I had said. I should have just said never mind. I don't, I repeat myself. "What do mean by pots and pans" was his reply. Pots and pans I say. "Cast iron", no, just basic Teflon pots and pans. He then tells me that he would have to see them. He finally left to tend to his important business.
I became so upset because it brought back all the times that he made me feel unimportant and felt the need to put me in my place. I then became upset because I participated in his little reindeer game.
One of the adoption partners is having a garage sale. Anything left will be donated. I don't need or deserve the aggravation and he obviously doesn't need the pans.
Friday, March 14, 2014
I told him that i had been really tired, my monthly visitor has really taken it out of me this month and i keep getting headaches. i was hoping that my glasses would be in today, but i forgot to call until after they were closed. i forgot they close at noon on Fridays...wish i could close at noon.
he is wanting to start listing the stuff that he doesn't use on a local website to see if we can sell it. i told him that i could help him on Sunday.
i think that mother's death is starting to catch up with both of us. i always wondered if i would feel differently when she was gone, if i would have wished that i would have tried harder to have a relationship, but then i just shake my head and know that it would have been like asking her to grow a third arm, she just wasn't capable. This makes me sad. It also makes me sad that she had it to give to everyone else but not to my dad and I. I wont ever understand it and her talking about her "walls" just made me think that i needed to be cool and have them too. It might have been more helpful to learn about boundaries and know when and where they are useful. It was always all or nothing with her and i have to the same extent been the same way. I am sure that was what my breakdown was about two years ago, learning that i cant do everything and i cant be everything to everyone.
it is sad, i have only been at work for two days and i am ready for Sunday and Monday to get here so i can take the day off.
i should start playing the lottery more.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
i paid the rest of my bills for the month and except for my credit card having a balance, i am pretty proud of myself and i am starting to get a rhythm going. i still have some money in savings but not enough. i need to get my direct deposit filled out and start putting away money for an emergency fund. i may not be able to go back to school this summer. i don't know. the good news is that i will have extra money to pay down on my credit card bill next month, maybe i need to put some against my credit card and some in savings. i am concerned about how much my therapy is going to cost me but i really cant afford to not go. i am starting to have some issues over my mother.
my uncle found the phone number for the child that my mother had before me. i haven't seen him since before her and butch were divorced and i know the longer that i wait to call him the worse that it will be. i just don't have a clue what to say....hi, this is your sister and your mother is dead, but don't worry, the amount of money that you spent on therapy has to be way less than what i have had to spend and she was part of my life...kind of.
yesterday morning i made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and i thought that my mother and i used to have those for breakfast when i came home for the weekend. when i became an adult our relationship was better but then i married Skippy and by that time the cancer had already taken its toll on her, she had become mean. i don't know if it was because she was mad that she had cancer or if she just hated everyone. once she told Skippy that she didn't think that he liked her, his response was that she was the best mother in law that he ever had. i know, his smart alec responses hurt my feelings more than one occasion as well.
today one of my department managers told me that her boyfriend told her that they weren't having sex because she had gained weight. She is by no means fat, she has a little stomach, but at least she doesn't look anorexic like she did when i first met her. Skippy and I never had sex which took it's toll on my self esteem but at least he didn't tell me that it was because i was fat.....of course not, because that would be actually talking about the problem, which he never wanted to do, because he was always right.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
I have spent the last 6 months or so having headaches. Which usually would give anxiety that I had brain tumors like my mother, but I have had a few things going on.
I once heard an interview with a lady that mother died when she was young. She counted every year until she reached the same age that her mother died. Her aunt even called her on the day she reached the exact age and told her to be careful.
I stopped wearing my glasses and went to the eye doctor. .. sure enough my prescription changed.
I was all nervous about how much my new insurance would cover. I had anxiety that my insurance wouldn't be as good as skippy's. I walked out with brand name eye glasses, brand name sunglasses, eye exam... All for a little over $220. I was blown away. I think I paid more with skippy's insurance. I know he paid a whole heck of a lot more a month to carry me than I pay for just myself.
Every step in a new adventure. I start therapy again next week. I won't be able to afford to go every week but I think every other week should be good. I also have to enroll for summer school soon. My hiatus is almost over. I am not sure that I am ready but I don't want another divorce to derail my plans.