Monday, December 31, 2012

EEOC homeless people

the homeless people on the corner, finally became equal opportunity..... a woman with a sign. 

You could not possibly miss her, she had on bright red Christmas pants and looked as though she had not missed a meal lately.  She changed it up though, she showed up a few days before Christmas in a mustard yellow Winnebago, she has a man with her, but i suppose that being a woman may get you more money.  Her first sign stated that anything for Christmas would be appreciated.  The second sign stated that all her and her husband wanted for Christmas was a motel room.  I suppose the small Winnebago was cumbersome for two large people. 

so long 2012

I am not sad to see 2012 leave. 

I don't usually get very sentimental on new years.  I save that for my birthday, maybe that is why they always suck. 

I really cannot believe everything that has happened in the last year.  I must have been suicidal...i ran a store, went to school, ran for public office, even managed to go to Florida for a few days and get stuck in Detroit. 

The part of 2012 that i will not miss is the debilitating depression that was sucking my soul from me since the summer.  I was able to carry another 4.0 this semester, barely squeaking by in my information systems class.  My in laws told me the other night at dinner that i didn't always have to get A's.  I responded that i did, i had to get on the honor roll and maybe qualify for some scholarships.  They have graciously offered to pay for my schooling, but Matt and I have decided to pay for it ourselves.  I have been so lucky to make it to my junior year, without incurring any debt.  I realize how fortunate i am. 


Good morning, it is new years eve and i am very thankful to have a few days off. 

There is a new man in my life, well, more like a boy.  I picked him up like i do every other man that has been in my life.  He was wandering the parking lot, kicked to the curb by his previous family.  His name is Buckley and i am in love.  He is a weimaraner and greyhound (at least the doc thinks so), Matt and i think he is part horse.  He has the most beautiful loving, yellow eyes, that just melt your heart when you look at him.  Stefanie found him wandering the parking lot, too thin, and covered with ticks.  You have to realize that this dog is almost as tall as Stefanie when he is just sitting.  She walked over to him and thankfully he didn't eat her (i don't need to be looking for another GSM).  She shyly came to me and told me that she had found a dog (i should've have known by the way she was acting, that something was up).  I told her to call our adoption partner and have him picked up.  I took a few days off and came back, Stacie asked me what she should do with the dog.....he was still there.  Finally getting hold of everyone we could, no one had room for a horse.  Kayla and I went to work, face booking, reaching further out of our network to get him rehomed.  Matt casually asked me why i didn't just bring him home????  Matt came by on Wednesday and i took him out of the kennel and he immediately walked to Matt and buried his head in the crook of Matt's arm.  We decided to take him to the vet.  I wasn't sure how the car ride would go, considering the last car ride he had was to be dropped off.  It took a few moments and then he got in the back of the 4runner.  He sat his behind on the seat and put his front paws on the floorboard....his head in between Matt's and I. 

Life with Buckley....he doesn't understand when the cats run from him, it isn't a invite to play chase.  He continually wants to smell Chloe, who tolerates it for a short period of time.  Buckley found the powdered sugar that someone left behind after Christmas and proceeded to paw paint with it all over the house.  Matt's breaking point is when he got hold of his bible on the entry room table and tore a couple of pages out.  Needless to say, we were bible shopping yesterday. 

Matt looked at me when i got home and told me that Buckley had to find a new home.  It almost broke my heart.  What my husband didn't realize is that i translated his lack of commitment to our new dog, the one that he told me "once we bring him home, he is ours, we wont be bringing him back, so you better be sure", as a general lack of commitment to everything in his life.  If i did too many things that he didn't like, would he kick me to the curb??? 

This is my issue, i don't know how to quit, i have only really worked for 3 companies in my life.  Marriage is forever.  The last time i got divorced, it was only after i was broken.  My mother finally looked at me and said "it is time to get off the horse, it is dead, it has rigarmortis". 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

the homeless guys

okay, so i now have this obsession with the "homeless" people who stand at the intersection by my store with their cardboard signs. 

i saw a new guy yesterday and he had 2 pieces of luggage with him, which makes perfect sense since he is homeless.......why don't the rest of the "homeless" people have luggage?  If they have somewhere to put their stuff, then they technically wouldn't be "homeless" would they?

today there was a guy in the median who was walking up and down with his sign.  I was thinking that this technique probably works better since most people are making a left hand turn and are forced to look at him while they are waiting for the light to change.

I always look at their clothing for some kind of indication that they don't have money to buy clothes, a home to wash them in, and their shoes should be worn out from having zero transportation. 

the signs are always written on brown cardboard with black marker, it must help to put something about god or being blessed, this seems to be a common denominator.  Stating something about being hungry must also be useful. 

i used to see a white truck dropping off an older guy, he really liked the northeast corner of the intersection and he usually had a mcdonalds bag on the ground next to him.......he probably should mark out the portion on his sign about being hungry

Thursday, November 22, 2012

not feeling very thankful

today is thanksgiving and i should be thankful, but all i am is tired and i didn't even have to cook

just about the time that i think i have released the grasp of depression, it tightens its grip.  I would love to blame it on school, work....but i really have nothing to give to any of it.

i was coming home from work the other day and there was a guy in a motorized wheelchair (that is a form of transportation around here) that was coming down the back side of the vi-dock.  He was eyeing a red hoodie that was in the spot that the guy with the cardboard sign usually resides.  I stopped at the stop sign and as i drove off i watched him pick up the hoodie, investigate it and throw it back on the ground.  I wasn't sure if he was checking the pockets for money.  I wondered what kind of expectations the man in the wheelchair had for a hoodie that was left on the corner??  It looked newer and he took the time to stop and inspect the piece of clothing.  I don't know, maybe red wasn't his color. 

i went and fed the animals today, Cher the bird didn't understand why she couldn't go to thanksgiving for in laws would have enjoyed that.  Walmart was open and the parking lot was packed like any other day.  The guy that claims to be a veteran was parked at the corner in his wheelchair with his cardboard sign.  I honestly thought of giving him money today or inviting him to lunch, but then decided that since he was homeless that he probably stunk or he was a serial i just drove on, plus the young kid on the corner was walking to him as if they knew each other.  The old man has the pathetic look down, but the kid with his cardboard sign just didn't look sad enough. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

state of my union

"depression and loneliness track me down....they come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Dectectives and they flank me--Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right.  They don't need to show me their badges.  I know these guys very well.  We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now......Then they frisk me.  They empty my pockets of any joy I have been carrying there.  Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which i dread because it always goes on for hours....He asks why i cant keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with every man I have ever been with.  He asks why I cant get my act together.  Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation.  I don't even bother eating; I don't want them watching me.  I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decided that he wants to.  "It's not fair for you to come here....I paid you off already." But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on the table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke.  Loneliness watches and sighs, climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself...He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it."

this is an excerpt from Eat, Pray, and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and probably the best description of depression that i have heard put into words. 

We all wear masks, we have the mask that we put on to go to the grocery store, to church, and even the one we take off to spend time with the people that we really trust. 

I feel as though i am the dancing chicken with everyone staring, waiting and watching for the performance.  Then when i come home, i am so exhausted from the depression that has taken over my life lately, i don't have anything else to give.  My house is a wreck, my animals begging for a minute, my husband asking me to just drag myself out of bed to go through a drive thru for dinner. 

The only thing that is making me motivate myself forward is the abundance of homework with looming deadlines.  The adrenaline giving me a spurt of energy to get the job completed.  I am hoping that i can squeak by this semester with a 4.0 even though i don't really deserve it so that i can make it on my the honor roll at NSU. 

The good news is that i have stopped the hemorrhaging of money that i had been spending and the pendulum has swung to the other side of now i hoard my money.  Only spending it on doctors visits and medicine. 

My weight is still at its highest, ice cream still being one of the staples of my diet, but at least now it is only when i have the energy to get out of bed to go out and buy it, because eating what is in the fridge seems like one of the seven deadly sins plus i would have to tackle the kitchen sink full of dishes. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

merry go round

women just want to heard, men want to fix problems

telling a woman that is expressing her feelings that she is having a fit is not a characteristic of displaying listening skills

what significant others fail to realize though is that if important needs aren't being met for a long enough period, the person will either fall into a depression (i live in this world already) or find another outlet for this need. 

I have always thought in order to have a good friend, you must be a good friend.  I have really sucked at that lately.  My bff had an epiphany, that her life was on an endless loop tape.  We had spent decades living like we were in our twenties, drinking and smoking without a care in the world (at least until the next day).  I met my husband and knew that i had someone else in my life to think of and had a responsibility to them to stick around.  I also saw someone whose body was failing them and he had no choice in the matter.  I had a healthy body and was determined to destroy it the best that i could.  It also helped that i watched my mother and what decades of smoking had taken from her.  My bff and I didn't spend as much time together, because my life was filled with school, church, work, and the gym.  Smoking and drinking didn't rule my weekends or weekdays for that matter.

A few months ago, she said that she had gone to a friends house for a thing with her bottle of wine in tow and thought to herself that this night was going to be like every other night for the past two decades and she wanted off the merry go round.  Her husband is a drinker, she knew that she would not be able to stop drinking with that kind of influence, so she told him she wanted a separation.  I haven't kept in great touch to help her through this, mainly because the depression has taken over my life and i have struggled to keep up with school.  I sent her a text last night asking what she was up to and she was going to an AA meeting.  I am so proud of her for "picking herself up by the bootstraps" as she would say. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

doomsday preppers

today i was watching doomsday preppers (cant help it, crazy people are very curious to me....which is why i probably find myself watching ancient aliens at time too).  There was a lady, a man, and their 6 year old daughter.  They were prepping because of a reoccurring dream that the wife kept having and about a disaster happening (if i made decision based on my, the thought just scares me).  Crazy people are well and good as long as they don't cause harm to others, but all i could think about was the child.  I grew up with someone who was paranoid, it is probably why i live on xanax for my anxiety and my doctor thinks that i have PTSD. 

Today i thought about my childhood.  I think that childhoods should be a carefree time, a time that a child feels safe, and taken care of.  I don't think that child feels safe.  I spent a few years in my life carefree, feeling safe, and taken care of.  I had someone there to make me breakfast, lunch, and no one noticing if i ate. 

This is why i always feel such an overwhelming since of responsibility for things and people.  I am always amazed at how people just check out of their lives when they are having issues.  I have so many people that depend on me that regardless of how low i am feeling, i HAVE to show up.  I have to put a smile on my face, and i have to make time for others (even when i want to tell them i don't give a f*ck).  I have become so conditioned to putting my needs last, which is why my life works out so well. 


yesterday i found out a friend died

he had just sent me a text on Thursday that said "get your ass up and go to work".  I was already on my way to work.  Devin usually sent me these texts in the early morning as he considered himself the "hardest worker".

I met Devin when i was looking for a stocker and had fired all of my management staff and had lost about a third of my regular staff.  Devin was an out of work welder with a can do attitude.  He had a voice like billy bob thorton on slingblade.  One day he was reciting the words to a rap song that he had heard and made us all laugh silly.  When i went to work at my new job, he would call and ask if his piranah food was in that i had ordered for him and if i wasn't there he would ask the poor associate what he was suppose to do, his fish were hungry. 

Devin was 45, he was such a good person and i will miss him. 

It makes me wonder what i was doing when he left this world.  I have been so tired this week, Aunt Flo is sucking the life out of me, i have had 6 exams, 2 tests, and accounting homework that just kicked my butt.  Was i on the phone with HR about my disobedient employee who thinks a mohawk is an appropriate hairstyle.  What, now meaningless task was i trying to accomplish while someone so special was taken from my world?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


i have been sick more this year than i have been in the last decade...guess that is what i get for giving my people grief over calling in all of the time

my dentist gave me a new mouthpiece to keep  me from grinding my teeth (he hasn't a clue how determined i am).  I used to have what looked like a football mouth guard and i have almost chewed through it, at least i stopped taking it out in the middle of the night and finding it stuck to my forehead in the morning.  The new piece fits my two front teeth and is suppose to keep me from being able to close my jaws, now i just grind my front teeth. 

anyway, last night, my sinuses went between being clogged up to draining.  Every time i tried to blow my nose, nothing, but then i would wake up feeling like a white trash child with dried snot stuck to my nose.  I have been trying to keep the drainage from draining into my chest (i am always at high risk of getting bronchitis) so i would get up in the middle of the night, coughing and hacking, trying to spit this crud into the toilet without having to fish out my new $300 chipmunk teeth. 

on top of all of this, i went to the bathroom today and a thread from either my pants or my underwear got tangled up in the string of my tampon so i thought that it would be wiser to just pull the strings apart so that i could then change my tampon.  WRONG!!!  The string came out of my tampon with the other string and landed in the toilet.  I am at lunch with my husband.  I actually googled "how to remove tampon without string attached". 

Sunday, October 21, 2012


i took a week off work

i took husband to the doctor, then he took me to the dentist to get a new tooth (no, it didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would).  I only took the lortab for the first day then realized that it was like being on crack when i was still up running about the house like a mad woman at 11:30pm. 

i organized, made spreadsheets, invoices and custom receipts for new position as treasurer for the optimist one loves a spreadsheet as much as i do (type a personality and all)

i took naps during the day, slept late, and went to bed early (except my lortab driven night), it was nice

i was very afraid that most of my sleeping was due to my depression hitting an all time low.  I went and saw my regular doctor who i feel is the only person who really gets my head issues and he grumbled at my self medicating ways (which usually means that i have stopped taking something that he has prescribed) and has put me on an additional anti depressant and it seems to be helping me get over this hump and is taking away some of my hopelessness. 

i am very thankful that i have a husband who has been very patient and understanding lately

Monday, October 15, 2012


This semester has been tough.  I spent the first month sick and now my bipolarness is stuck in severe depression mode.  I want to sleep continuously and the few hours that i am awake i am counting the minutes until i can crawl back into bed with my cat.

On the bright side, i am easily able to dismiss other peoples passive aggressive, snide comments.  Where as in the past i would've analyzed every word for hidden meaning.  I am not sure if this means my give a crap is broken or if i have finally learned to deal.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


perception is reality, i have said this for years....what i perceive as unethical isn't so easily perceived that way by someone else.  I used to hate the word i totally get it.  It is almost as if lying by omission.  Trust, i give it easily, but once it is broken then i start to doubt all interactions, past and future. 

Sunday, September 30, 2012


my birthday and new years is always a time of reflection for me....i am so looking forward to a new year, this last year was way too tough

it was a year of failures, very public failures, Matt and i filed for divorce, i lost an election, privately i was played, and kicked to the curb via email.  I did manage to get my associates with honors, but was too exhausted from a failed campaign to walk the stage. 

i am drained, physically and emotionally.  I feel as though i spend every minute of everyday just trying to get to the next.  My depression has taken on a sickly feeling, not just the usual needing to cry over anything and everything. 

I received a phone call from my OBGYN and my annual came back abnormal, so i had to schedule another appointment for February.  I actually would like my doctor to find something so that maybe i can pinpoint my constant lethargic, sickly feeling on something concrete....instead of this thing that lives in my head. 


yesterday i turned 40

i always have the worst birthdays, it started about the time that i moved back home from Tulsa.  Last year, i served my husband with divorce papers on my birthday, then went and got drunk with my bff (took two days to recover from that one). 

i slept most of the day yesterday, finally Matt became super concerned about me after 14 hours in bed and no notice of my gift that had been in the bathroom all day. 

i am not sure if it is my depression or this congestion that i have been unable to get rid of for the past month that is sucking the life out of me, but something must give...........enough

i never put much thought into what people tell me, if you tell me something, then i usually believe it.....the narcissist used to tell me these grand stories of things that he would do for his ex wife (not really his ex, they didn't get divorced until after he left me for someone else....that should've been a clue) for her birthday.  I cant remember any birthdays we spent together (except his when he left me), but i do remember being upset because i expected these grand plans.  I thought that it meant that i wasn't special.  It is amazing how i have spent my entire life with people who went out of their way to make me feel not special. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012


it is so much easier to be angry at someone else. 

i have spent over a decade managing people, so little that they do or don't do doesn't shock me.  Over 80% of theft is internal.  I was so upset last week when an employee, who has been a pain in my behind for months was caught stealing for me.  I wanted the iron fist of justice to come down and squash her for her sinful behavior, for her dishonestness, and for her need to not be grateful for what she had. 

it was actually me that i was angry at, it was me that i wanted all of those things to happen to, because i had been being dishonest in my life, not being grateful for what i had

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


it is so difficult to forgive people when they have wronged you, but then you have to remember that you have sinned in the past as well and god forgave you

i used to have a mouth like a sailor until i realized exactly how uneducated it made me sound, but today i have thought the f'ing (female dog) phrase several times while having to deal with another person. 

i will never understand why people must always start drama and every time i see this person speaking with anyone else i just want to scream at her to shut up, because all she is doing is talking crap and starting crap.  I graduated from high school a long time ago and realized that dragging other people down does not make me any better of a person, it wont make me any skinnier, my bank account any bigger, and my dog will still feel the need to pee on the carpet. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

figuratively not literally

the difference between men and women......

i wrote a blog about a play i saw and how the main character thought that a woman wanting a  new car was symbolic for wanting a new life....i actually had a guy leave a comment about car maintenance and the importance in maintaining your vehicle, also how to keep your transmission from slipping

bless his heart

Monday, September 10, 2012

shutting it off

criticism is a request to do or not do something that is stated badly

today, i am feeling very victorious....went to class actually understood what the man made of superglue was talking about, came home and aced my quiz and homework......maybe i am actually getting my groove back

Thursday, September 6, 2012

paths crossed

I always think of great things to blog about as i am falling asleep......

today, a girl that i graduated high school with was sentenced to fifteen years for sleeping with her students (one of which was her daughters boyfriend, yeah that must suck).  She testified to years of sexual abuse as a child, which led to a sexual relationship as a teen that turned into an abusive relationship as an adult.  She will spend thirteen years in prison before becoming eligible for parole.  She stated that she would not have stopped the relationships had her husband not discovered one of the relationships (i am guessing the daughters boyfriend).  She didn't even think about the relationships being wrong until she was finally arrested. 

I was friends with this girl in high school, she spent the night at my house.  Don't get me wrong, we didn't think that she had a great childhood growing up, but we didn't guess that it was that bad.  I can remember her boyfriend at the time, pulling her out of her bedroom window because her home life was less than ideal. 

I was mugged once and had to go to court, my mother asked me how i felt about it as we were leaving the courthouse.  I told her that i felt that our lives had crossed paths for a short period of time, but would go totally different ways from that point forward.  She would go to prison, learn how to be a better criminal, and come out and probably commit more violent crimes. 

I cant help but pray for my friend from so long ago, thirteen years is such a long time. 

Monday, September 3, 2012


i should be writing a tax memorandum, but as usual i find something more pressing to maybe a nap, it seems that is all i want to do these days is sleep.  I keep telling myself that is my body's way of healing from being sick for 2+ weeks, but i don't think that i can buy that lie anymore. 

My mind always wanders.  I am sad, wanting desperately to lift this fog that has entered my life. 

Fall is almost here and it is always my favorite time of the year.  I love it when the leaves change colors, the smell of colder weather, and i do love a sweater.  None of this makes me want to smile. 

As my bff would say, it is time to pull up my boot straps.  I just need to be a big girl and get over it!!!

Friday, August 31, 2012

realistic view

"someone, somewhere is happier with less than you have"

today, i lifted my rose colored glasses and painted a realistic view of what my future would have been and needless to say i started to see the silver lining of the clouds

it was probably helpful that today is the first day in 2 weeks that i didn't sound like Darth Vader when i took a breath, i still feel as though someone is sitting on my chest though

i found out a guy that used to work for me died of pneumonia, he was 25, a senior in college and such a bright young man.  I cant help but think that the last time that i spoke with him, he had a falling out with his family and was living on his own.  I really hope that he was able to reconcile with his family before he became sick.  I cant imagine a mothers grief from having to bury a child, but to do so with strife in the relationship. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

rinse and repeat

so, i started seeing a shrink and the only thing that i have figured out that he is good for is to write dr can do that, but since he has been charged with sexual battery, he may not be practicing longer.  Which is really a shame, since i felt as though he was more concerned with my well being. 

I am going to have to find a counselor. 

i feel as though my days are rinse and repeat and the monotony makes me want to put a bullet in my head (not literally), but there is very little that i get excited about and that is sad.  I know that school is a means to an end, but i wonder about that decision.  I am taking a tax accounting course and the instructor is about as helpful as superglue.  I have two online classes that seem interesting enough, but the reading just puts me to sleep.  I need a challenge and my over scheduled life is leaving me too much time to think about my unhappiness. 

My birthday is coming up and i always reflect on the past year. I think that 2012 was a year i could have done without.  I was played, served my husband with divorce papers, well i am right back where i started from.  Blah. 

I did manage to get my associates, that i was way too tired to walk the stage for. 

I feel as though everything in my life is one step forward, two steps back and it has become absolutely exhausting. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

fake it

i am about to go and see my shrink

i feel so broken, i feel like a functioning alcoholic, i am able to get up and go out into the real world and behave as if i have it all together, faking it until i somehow make it, but i feel like a fraud, waiting for someone to find me out

it gets exhausting trying to keep up appearances, i get scared to make the wrong decision so i make no decisions until the decisions get made for me then i can just say that it wasn't meant to be

i have been sick for 2 weeks, spent the last 5 days hiding out in my house, sleeping my day away, usually this would make me feel guilty, but i have found it a nice get out of jail free card

i have been putting memories away in a mental box to wrap up with a pretty bow to give to god, memories of what was, what was meant to be, and what will never be

tomorrow i will have to get up and face the big, bad world and all i want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away

someone please wake me when the pain has gone away

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

not good enough

"what a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours" renee olstead

a friend used to tell me that you are always one phone call away from a bad day

The past 2 weeks have been difficult.  I have been sick (except for the day and a half grace that i received).   My bff asked her husband for a separation.  The semester is now in full swing and i haven't had the energy to throw myself back into the grind. 

I have a friend who has spent the most of his married time to his wife living apart.  He didn't understand why his wife just doesn't tell him that she wants a divorce.

I am an expert at romanticizing a situation.  I have always found it difficult to walk away from someone because i was scared that they would give what i didn't get to the next person therefor proving i wasn't good enough.  Reality, they didn't have it to give at that time and it had little to do with me. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

measuring up to reality

I feel as if much of my childhood I was collateral damage.  The casualty of a war that was fought between Butch and my mother.  I get that you cant help the baggage that you carry around, but it would have been nice if all of their baggage had not have become mine. 

My mother had a son before me.  It has been decades since i have seen or talked to him.  I sometimes feel lost not having any kind of relationship with people who share my blood.  I have a biological father that i haven't seen in decades either.  An uncle that has llamas that live in his trailer in Louisiana (not a joke) an Aunt in California that i haven't spoken to since i moved back home.  I wonder if this why i feel adrift, having no real connection of family.  People whom i share common traits with, that i can see myself in, and know why i am the way that i am.  Nature vs Nurture.  I would love to see my father and know that i have his eyes.  To have a half brother and maybe feel some bond. 

Maybe this is just another fantasy concocted in my head that never really measures up to the reality of it all.


i had my epiphany today, codependent............being happy regardless of what mood others around you are in. 

I grew up in a household in which people were rarely happy.  My mother was always angry and my adoptive father was either checked out, acting inappropriately, or angry himself.  I don't think that i felt that it was my fault, i just felt ignored and helpless.  When my mother finally left, my adoptive father was so upset.  I was happy when they told me they were getting divorced.  I then became angry with my mother for causing my adoptive father so much sadness.  I can remember him sitting on the floor crying after their phone calls.  I felt uncomfortable with so much emotion, immediately wanting to take away his pain.  

When Butch came in the picture, i instantly became daddy's girl.  I am sure that my mother felt betrayed and i don't recall ever feeling close with her again.  I instantly hated my mother for causing Butch so much pain (when you get older you realize there are 2 sides to every story). 

I became Butch's crutch, feeling responsible for his emotional well being.  I became the care taker. Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. 

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my childhood. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

aunt flo

personal pet peeves.....gum smacking and people who try to conduct business while talking on their cell phone

there is a lady on the phone while trying to speak to the receptionist at the doctors office today......really, what is more important than your doctor's appointment

about 3 years ago i went through a really stressful period in my life and aunt flo stopped visiting.  My period has been hit and miss (mostly miss) ever since.  I have looked at it as a blessing in my life and really thought that i was approaching menopause since the big 4 0 is right around the corner.  According to the doctor what is convenient to me isn't so great for my body and increases my chance of cancer.....i now am on the pill like a 16 year old. 

Good news, doctors have decided that there is no logical reason to have aunt flo visit for seven days, so now i only have to see her on the weekend.

the path

a lady that comes into my store lost her husband a year ago, then lost her niece three months after that

i often talk to this lady and she is such an inspiration, she told me a story about an older lady that left her purse in a shopping cart.

Terry was walking up to walmart and the lady had finished loading her groceries and was getting in her car, Terry noticed that the lady had left her purse.  She stopped the lady and gave her the purse.  The lady thanked her and started to fall apart, telling her about how she had lost her husband and how everyone has told her that she should be over it by now.  Terry told her that no one should be able to tell her when to get over something and her only job was to keep up with her purse.  She told me that it was as if a load of bricks had been lifted from the lady's shoulder.  It was as if the thought of being able to fully grieve her husband had NEVER occurred to her. 

Terry's therapist has been telling her that it is time for her to get over grieving for husband as well.....funny how god puts people in our paths. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

soul killer

i took a year off from dating after the narcissist broke my heart and I had hurt Jon so much.  I finally stopped running and getting drunk every night.  One night my roommate and I went to dinner and there was a guy there with a little girl, he obviously had been there for quite some time drinking.  I felt so sorry for the daughter and the father who was so drunk, he could not stand.  My roommate and I left there and went to a bar that my friend worked at, i couldn't go home with such a bad buzz.  I met my next failed relationship there that night.  Should have been my first clue when he kept trying to kiss me and get me to go out to see his "truck".  He invited me to go and drink black and tans with his friends the next night, we went to olive garden instead.  We dated a few times, then one night he showed up as i was getting off work and i was so excited to see him that i just knew that was a sign.  It was the first time i had dated someone who had a steady job and was serious about doing a good job. 

It wasn't very long before he moved in and the broke his back at work, his employer fired him and we spent the next 3 years in court.  He had no insurance and no way to buy pain medication, so he lived on tequila and ibuprofen.  The problem was, you never knew who was going to come to the party, some days it was fun guy and some days it was crazy, mean guy. 

I was seriously scared to leave that relationship, knowing that he would kill me or burn the house down. 

Everyday is stayed in that relationship i felt as if i losing a little part of my soul. 

paradigm shift

i watched an interview with the founder of amazon after the site had been up and running for about 3 years, i guess all he used to sell was books.  He was overloaded with orders and was on the floor packing boxes, he thought it would be a good idea to get knee pads........the person next to him said no, we need packing tables

Sunday, July 22, 2012

good moms.....

i have always been scared to have children, mostly because i have always been so self sufficient, independent, and i usually pick the worst guys to date. 

i worried that i would pass along my broken relationship that i had with my mother.  I totally don't get that, she was close to her mother, they spoke every week.  It wasn't as though she didn't know how to have a close relationship, she just didn't know how to have one with me. 

my mother has always had floors that you could perform surgery on at any given time, the kitchen to go along with it, neatly folded laundry, a self cleaning oven.............i on the other hand always felt like an inconvenience that needed to stay out of the way.  I wished i would have had the words to tell her to put up the vacuum and spend time with me. 

shell shocked

i had probably turned 20 and was in a relationship with a guy that already had two kids, it was probably one of the only times in my life i remember being really happy and blissfully in love for any period of time.  We just really got along and it was probably one of the only times that i dated someone and i didn't care what other people thought.  The first time he took me out on a proper date, his crazy ex slashed his tires.  I had to call my friend to come and get me and his dad came and helped him.  I drove back to check on him and he was genuinely touched that i had thought of him. 

My mother could not stand him and my dad had told me that if he was a horse in a horse race he wouldn't bet on him to win.  But we did have a time of contentment and things really worked, we eased each others insecurities.  I got up one morning and was thinking of my life and of him and how much i loved him and how happy i was and then the thought of having a child popped in my head.  I was so freaked out that i immediately flushed it out and thought of other things.  I suppose that it was my body's way of preparing me for the months ahead. 

I don't remember his reaction when i told him, but i vividly recall his mothers and she freaked out.  I decided then and there to not keep the child.  He begged me to change my mind and really went out of his way to show me how special i was, but i was so scared of being that vulnerable that i would hear nothing of it.  The day he drove me to Tulsa, he was already pulling away from me and i had this naive fantasy that things would go back to normal.  I was so wrong. 

Between my hormones and the unofficial break up of our "perfect" relationship i was so crushed, i would wake up in the morning and just cry. 

I don't ever regret that decision.  I always look at my past as i made the best decision with the information that i had at that time. 

I had gone to one of those clinics that gave free pregnancy tests and advice.  I was so shell shocked that i told the lady that i was 20 and couldn't have a child, she mocked me back in my own pathetic voice.  I am not sure if she thought that was helpful or not, but it wasn't. 

to sag or to sink

i heard once that either you are a sagger or a sinker when you get older, this means that either your face with sag or sink.  I think i will be a sagger and i think that is better than being a sinker.....except if you are a sinker, then you pump collagen into your face (which sounds very painful) and plump back up your face.  I have decided that i a sagger because my mother is a sagger, but then again my mothers idea of moisturizer was to vaseline and she has smoked most of her life. 

bipolar 2

Bipolar II disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode (is a mood state characterized by persistent and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state.)and at least one major depressive episode; with this disorder, depressive episodes can be more frequent and are more intense than hypomanic episodes.[1][2] People with bipolar disorder type II have never experienced a full manic episode, although they can experience periods of high energy and impulsiveness similar to but not as extreme as mania. The hypomanic episodes associated with bipolar II disorder must last all day for a period of at least four days.[3] These periods alternate between episodes of depression and in some cases episodes of normal mood

So according to wikipedia i get to have the depression and i get the manic episode which is when i finally get to feel something other than depressed (abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/or energy levels), so i am either depressed or irritable which are both miserable.  FML.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I am watching an interview with Kelly Preston talking about being married for twenty years......."eye roll".  She talks about how her and "Johnny" laugh and travel and dance and blah, blah, blah

Lets see, it is so easy to travel when you have a private jet, your husband is a pilot and you live on a landing strip.  You never have to figure out how to pay the bills, so you can laugh.  You work maybe 6 months out of the year, so you have time to dance because you aren't so frigging exhausted from standing on your feet all day.  You have a private chef to shop and cook meals for you.  You have a private personal trainer, of course you think your husband is hot.......this is how you stay married for twenty years.

Yes, i am having issues today. 


I am waiting at the doctors office, why do we all get in such a hurry to get to an appointment when they never get in a hurry to see you.

I am reading a pamphlet for a medication and one of the side effects are it could make you fat.  You know what makes you fat, eating.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

instant diagnosis

yep, today was the first day back to the gym.....172lbs, back at my heaviest....i feel like Oprah, how does this happen, why is it when i think i have things under control life throws me a curve ball and i am out of control again.  I used to blame this on being a Libra, to one extreme or another, but now i have a new crutch....i am bipolar.....really????

I get to go see my new shrink tomorrow....i already know that i don't have the money to support that habit and what i really wanted to do was to print my blog and just give it to him.  We live in this world of i want what i want, when i want it.....i want someone to look at my thoughts, give me a diagnosis, tell me to get over it and kick me in the arse, and send me on my way. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012


the vacuum cleaner was the universal signal when i was growing up to get off your butt and do something and that something better look like cleaning.  My mother is the neatest person alive, she vacuumed the house daily whether it needed it or not.  If she ever shut off the vacuum and cleared her throat, you were in trouble.  When i got married i wondered why my husband never budged when i started vacuuming.....i guess he didn't get the memo

To this day  I still get anxiety to this day when i hear a vacuum.

it blows me away that i am 40 and i still have this baggage

Sunday, July 8, 2012

if you think you can or you cant

you are probably right

isn't it amazing how you don't do things because you never tried

grazing on facebook and a friend did a project that she found on pinterest, she was excited that she finally did one project out of many that she had pined......which made me think that i only have one item pined on my pinterest and that is the calendar that i lived and died with during my campaign

so, i started pining things that i liked and bread pudding was one of those items, i found a recipe and went into the kitchen to make it.   I always get really excited when i find a place that has bread pudding on the is the kicker, i have NEVER made it because i thought it might be too difficult

old bread

really, i am almost 40, my sister turned me on to it when i was an early teenager, i spend $60 for one at a pie auction and those are the ingredients.........................really, everything in life is this easy, i just make it more difficult

Saturday, July 7, 2012

enjoying the moment

A posting this morning on Twitter from a mother named Ellen: "I would probably pay more attention to my kids if they were on Twitter."


i am the worst about being on my phone, being on facebook, texting, checking email.....

my bff went on vacation to Florida, when she got back she said that she was miserable when she was there but now that she was back she said that she did have a good time

when did we forget to enjoy the moment, in our world we brag about being able to multitask, it is something that we put on our resumes, something we strive to excel at.....research shows that when we multitask that we arent able to focus on either task very well. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

covering it up

saw a very young Katie Holmes on TV today, wondered what she would have thought then if someone would have told her that she would marry her heart throb, be on the front of every magazine, have children, and be getting divorced because her husband is part of some kind of weird religion that now she fears

lately, i wish that i had a crystal dad says that your life is your responsibility and that i control it....not a higher power

karma, it scares the crap out of me

i am so scared to be happy, because for me it never is long lasting

i think i have finally figured out the dragon, it wasn't acceptable to show emotions at my house growing up (unless you are happy or sarcasm)....which is also why i have always picked emotionally unavailable men.  Unable to handle me, my emotions, or totally discount my emotions. 

i eat to shove down all of those emotions

Thursday, July 5, 2012

the dragon

in this world of constant communication, it is amazing how difficult it is to truly express ourselves

we can tweet, text, email, post on facebook and reach people in seconds

someone asked me the other day where i wanted to be in a year and to not say i don't know....i didn't have to say that i didn't know, because i already knew

it is incredible how either getting older or having the right mix of medications has made me more able to cut through the bull crap of life and be able to focus on the things that are important

my last job was very stressful, until the day that i let go.. i am not a quitter so this was extremely difficult, but finally i was able to put it all into perspective.  I sell office supplies, i am not curing one's life was at stake.  People with broken computers may beg to differ, but in the scheme of things, the world is not going to stop spinning because they lost their vacation photos. 

i have spent years trying to prove to myself that i am good enough, the queen of over scheduling so that i don't have to think about the things that wake me up in the early hours of the morning with my heart racing....i have spent almost a week with nothing planned, nothing scheduled, and i am hoping i can slay the dragon of what makes me participate in toxic behaviors

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

losing the fear

Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have…undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It’s because he doesn’t care! He’s in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I’m going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I’m just through with the guilt..................liz in eat, pray, love

it is so true, women base their self worth by a number on a scale or the number on the tag inside our jeans

yesterday, i went and bought bigger clothes, i refuse to beat myself up about it.

I will lose the weight, i will always lose the weight, i just need to lose the thing that makes me gain the weight.  The thing that makes me want to see the bottom of the ice cream container way beyond the point and time that i was satisfied.  The thing that i continue to try and push down with food or shoes, that emotion that i am so afraid will come up and destroy me and my life. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

depression in a nut shell

“But he [Depression] just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

he says he loves her

He says he loves her...what can you say to that
He's made up his mind and there ain't nothin' you can do
So you swallow hard...maybe you drive all night
Tryin' to figure out where the whole thing started goin' wrong
And in the silence something begins to unravel
You never knew him like you'll be knowing him now

Fallin' out of love and back into your life
Pullin' your heart out from under the knife
Closin' the door on all those dreams you used to know
Fallin' out of love and back on your feet
Turnin' away from that dead end street
And finding out that nothing feels as good as letting go

my fav heartache song, i think it says it never knew him like you'll be knowing him now...trying to figure out where the whole thing started going wrong....that is so me.  

I can analyze a conversation, a text, an email to death.  I can obsess over it until i find my fault in the situation. 

Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.....the advice to groceries via Richard from Texas.....i like to change it up a bit and say "send god's light and god's love, then drop it"

I wish I was special

what the hell am i doing here
i don't belong here

it is funny, you are never quite where you think you will be in your life...............EVER

it is like the mirage that floats miles in front of you on the road, when you get there, it isn't what you thought it would be or feel like.......and you are always chasing it

i turn 40 this year, i am in school still trying to figure out what i want to do when i grow up, still trying to figure out gods plan and trying to listen to my heart for a clue and wondering if i am making any progress

when a door shuts a window is suppose to open.....i am sick of crawling through windows

Monday, July 2, 2012

public office

this means not only your office is public, but your life and i am not sure that i was quite ready for that

i spent this political season watching a good woman be vilified, why..................because she had an employee steal from her.  Guess what, 80% of all theft is internal, everyone has had employees steal.  This is someone she considered a friend and she reported it as soon as it came to her attention.  This person was charged and sentenced to the full extent of the law. 

this is the reason that i am glad that i did not win the election.  I have had employees steal, lots of them, but i have never had it end up on the front page of the local paper.  I have made mistakes and once again that didnt make me the local gossip (i wouldnt go that far).

there was an entire office of people who didnt want me there and would have been waiting for me to make a mistake (many would have been made).  Hopefully, none that would have been newsworthy, but i am glad that i dont have to take that chance now. 

there is a big part of my life that is private and i expect it to stay that way

Sunday, July 1, 2012

secrets women keep

i am reading a book "the secrets women keep", i left self help books to my twenties, but this one was enough to satisfy the nosey side of my mind

it makes me wonder about my secrets, there was a woman who spoke of marrying a man that was emotionally unavailable for her "...she most likely chose him because his level of comfort with closeness matched hers.  She thinks she wants a closer relationship, but if she got it, could she handle it? Probably not."  Ugh, i thought the first part of solving a problem was admitting you had one.

Since my exhusband forced me to have sex, i have this issue with physical intimacy, which is probably why i chose my husband.  After almost 5 years of no sex and the prospect of living the entire rest of my marriage like this gives me a huge sense of hopelessness.

I think that i want the intimacy of marriage, but would i be able to handle it?????

still looking

isnt it funny how when you find EXACTLY what it is that you are looking for that you stop looking.....

after matt had moved out and back in, i decided that he had overtaken my original office that i needed to make the spare bedroom into MY office (noone EVER slept there anyway).  I have furnished it with everything that i like, even a purple futon with polka dotted pillows.  I have the greatest writing desk that i took a chance on and my bff asked me where i got it because it is perfect.  I was sitting here thinking that after i bought it, then gave it a great review, that the sales probably increased.

I live in an Amazon world, i depend on other people's opinions to make my decision.  I didnt with the desk, it had one bad review (no hardware, i think the people were just idiots and threw it away with the packaging), so i took the chance and had the exact desk that i needed for my office.

I bought the car that matt wanted and now i still look as i drive past the dealerships.......obviously i didnt get EXACTLY what i wanted because i am still looking.

makes me wonder about other parts of my life where i am still looking

Friday, June 29, 2012

out of the box

i lost an election, i dont have cancer

i know people mean well, but it amazes me to see people struggle with what to say to me.....the day after especially

i received a little over 2k votes, that was 1/3 of the total votes overall

i sincerly believe that everything happens for a reason and i was not meant to have that job, at least not at this time.  Do i think i will put myself out there again, not sure, but keeping those signs. 

i still have a job, that i love (for the most part), i dont have to live in a glass anymore and i especially will not miss the mean girls or the transport that i mistakingly took back to high school.

i no longer have to talk about missing signs (who were being taken by my opponents husband, really, how old are we), go to another pie supper (now to work on those 7 lbs that i put back on and lose another 7), no more speeches, no more walking door to door to intrude on people in their homes, and no longer do i have to get out of my box

it is impressive to see signs with your name on them, to have people know who you are, and to see your name on a ballot.....most people will never know that kind of notaraity.  I did, it was special, scary, and taught me that failure isnt always a bad thing.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

being there

be there

this is a book called Fish! and subsequently, Fish! tales and Fish! sticks.  It is all based on a seattle fish market and the show they put on for their customers daily.  I was able to go a seminar based on this book and one of the most important things that i learned was to "be there"

this may sound simple, but being there is difficult in this plugged in world.  For me it meant, to not be walking away while talking to someone, to not be counting the seconds until someone gets to their point (yes, i do this), or trying to figure out what someone's agenda is. 

I have a remarkable opportunity to "be there" this week.  I went to a luncheon, initially to campaign, but there wasnt many people there.  I started talking to a lady who is roommates with the crazy accounting teacher that i had last semester.  I didnt realize they were roommates and they were both widows.  I had always wondered why my teacher chose to move from florida to warner, america.  She did it to have support.  Anyway, this lady began to tell me the story about how she lost her husband and what they did to fight for his life.  I dont think that i have ever been as present as i was during this story.  Her husband had constant acid reflux and the doctors were unable to give him any relief, he bounced between specialists and doctors until someone told them that is was esophogial cancer and he had weeks to live.  She found someone on the internet and was told to take him to Mexico for care.  They had no insurance and knew no spanish, but off to mexico they went.  One of the first people they met was a young doctor that spoke some english.  When the doctor left the room, the husband immediately looked at his wife and told him that he only wanted that doctor to do surgery on him, if it came to it.  It did, his stomach hemoraged and she insisted that had to call an ambulance, that doctor came in and told her there was no time for an ambulance and he did surgery immediately.  He saved her husbands life, she sat by his bed for 3 consecutive days, not knowing a word of spanish and unable to communicate with the staff.  They continued to drain her bank account with promises of recovery.  Finally, her friend knew there was something wrong and flew to mexico.  She took one look at her husband and knew the situation was never going to get any better.  The wife bought an old wheel chair, wheeled her husband from this place that he was going to inevitably die and went to the airport.  She told her husband that he was not to ask for oxygen or show any signs of sickness or he would not be allowed to fly.  These two women hugged the man all the way through the airport and safely made it back to the states.  The man died the next day after arriving home. 

I am a better person today for "being there" on that day.

mary anne

Well it wasn't two weeks
after she got married that
Wanda started gettin' abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And make-up to cover a bruise
Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atalnta
On a red eye midnight flight
She held Wanda's hand as they
worked out a plan

This song always made me think of living in stillwater with a druggy, abusive husband, no friends or family, and home felt a million miles away. 

I can remember my mother was in California with her dying mother and my father was the only one i told.  I needed someone's permission to quit and he gave it to me.  My parents came on friday night, my bff and one of our friends came on saturday with a truck to help me move.  She was my Mary Anne lots of times during that marriage and i am happy to say that it all seems like a dream now. 


perception is reality

i vounteered at the teen center to help teens prepare for job searches/interview.  We were having a conversation about a time you went somewhere and had bad service.  One of the bright young men told me the time that he went to a restaraunt and the waitress was too busy texting to get their drink orders.  There is no excuse for bad service but we always get ideas in our heads that are sometimes incorrect.  So i asked if he would have felt different about the experience if he had known that she was texting her mother, who was in the hospital and was very ill.  I saw the paradigm shift in this young man's head and his perception of this experience changed his reality. 

Hopefully, the next time he thinks that he is perceiving something one way he will give the accused a chance to explain before determining his reality. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


i live in a world of absolutes

i used to think that it was because i am a Libra and my sign is a scale, to one extreme or another, always or never

welcome to my world of bipolar, the only issue is that i don't get the highs just the debilitating lows

i wonder if this is nurture or nature or a combination of both

someone once told me that being on medication was like not knowing that you cant see until you put on a pair of glasses

the problem is that there is nothing positive to say about being bipolar, it is akin to being a leper, it is used to explain away the craziness of some people

i am a highly functioning bipolar, i have been able to contain it mostly to my head and have learned to not react to most of the stimuli that i am exposed to and not express every thought and feeling the moment that i have it.  The issue is that it makes me incredibly tired and this requires a few days of r&r to be able to cope with real life again.  The conundrum is that i have over scheduled my life so that i don't have to deal with issues and have zero time to backwash the brain of the noise. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

checking out

the path of least failure

i work hard to ensure that i don't fail and these days i am not sure if it is my self defeating behavior that has returned, my inability to deal with confrontation, or a gut feeling of the outcome.  I have found myself giving up, i am so exhausted and tired of being exhausted that i don't have it to give to ensure that i don't fail. 

I am scared to win this election because if i do then i have to work with people that really don't want me there.  I realize that i am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but i am tired of working so hard. 

I have an audit at my store, an election, and the only thing i want to do is check out. 

someone asked me the other day if i was going to have a watch party and what i wanted to say was yes, watching the inside of my eyelids

Sunday, June 10, 2012

finding our voice

i think that relationships have inertia, whichever way you start off, you will continue to go that direction until something big happens to change the direction

i went to my friends surprise 40th party last week.  After many margaritas, her boyfriend decided to propose.  It seemed that in his drunken stupor that he had enough liquid courage to execute a very badly thought out plan.  He started the diatribe with something about being strapped for cash.  I am sure it pretty much went downhill from there.  My friend would have been happy with a cubic zirconia, but it was amazing how he is able to find money for all kinds of other things but not for the ring.  Men just don't get it, this is a daily reminder of them, their love for us, and almost a symbol for our relationship.  Every time she looks at that ring she will think of that lousy proposal and how she didn't feel like a priority. 

They ended their engagement less than one week later. 

I met her for a drink last week and it was the ring that tied the entire situation together, it was a symbol of how she would always be last.  She spent 20 years in a marriage where she was last.  I applaud her strength and ability to stand up for what she deserves.

It is funny how at 40 we seem to find our voice, are able to finally read the compass, and have been through enough tough times to know that this is yet another storm that God will take us through.  I am proud of her, it motivates me. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

bubble bursting

"it will be such a sweet wedding, they have a cute story" to which i replied something about divorce

I went to a surprise birthday party the other night and one of our friends, who i am pretty sure married either the first or second guy that she ever had sex with, said the statement about a couple who were to be married the next day. 

I don't know if my filter is just broken (the filter that should keep every thought that comes into your head from immediately going out of your mouth), but i really think it was the fact that i could not help myself from bursting the idyllic bubble that was forming above her head filled with the fantasy future that she thought they would have to have because they had such a great story. 

My bff pointed out that my cynicism is probably from my own situation, what a great story i started out with as well. 

You want to make God laugh, make plans. 


There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

It is amazing what google has done for our lives.  Unfortunately, our newer generations don't get it, they never had to go to the library and flip through little index cards and then search for a book by the Dewey decimal system. 

I used to sing this song in my chorus class, i still don't really understand the second verse, but i will google it after i get out of church. 

My first semester back to school.  I was very nervous that i would have issues keeping up.  It became very apparent very early this would not be an issue.  Kids today are lazy and just don't get it (i am sure someone said that about me once as well....probably more than one someone).  My professor gave us a worksheet to be completed for extra credit.  Being the overachiever that i am, i immediately started working on it, and was unable to find some of the answers.  I googled them, filled out my worksheet and went to class.  It amazed me that some of the other students were just bewildered on where to find the answers.  Really, your generation just called and they have disowned you!!!!

broken mouse

I used to think that you don't really know someone until you live with them or work with them.  I have now added or run for a political office. 

I think that when you get married it only intensifies your relationship, if you have a bad one, it will only get worse and you will feel trapped (like my first marriage) or if you have a good one, you will become a stronger unit.  Unfortunately, it is sometimes difficult to discern between the two. 

I try to give my employees thoughtful, useful advice without becoming entangled into their drama.  When someone asks me how many children i have, i say about 15. 

I once gave the marriage advice to one of my employees that was about to join the military (so very proud of her), so she got married, realized what an immature jerk her husband was and promptly got out of that marriage.

I have an employee who is chicken little, the sky is always falling.  In the middle of my day, i have a power surge, my mouse no longer working.  She comes in from lunch, freaked out about her house and the fact that she received a letter stating that her taxes weren't paid.  In the middle of trying to fix my mouse, i am trying to talk her out of her frenzy of the world hates her and only bad things happen to her.  I kind of see her point, but unfortunately when you steal an entire ATM in a stolen car, the law tends to frown upon that.  I ask the obvious question which is "do you have a receipt", her ex girlfriend and current girlfriend are looking for it.  That is a blog for another day.  I then explain that it is Saturday and the treasury is closed, the issue is probably that the last treasurer unexpectedly died in the middle of his term.  I am sure that caused the office some issues.  Wait until Monday and go see the new treasurer.  Crisis averted until Monday, but i still never fixed my mouse.  Oh well. 

Friday, June 1, 2012


my mother would make me cinnamon and sugar with rice and milk for breakfast.  Once i woke up early and made my own breakfast.  I used too much cinnamon and not enough sugar in my rice.  My mother woke up and she was furious, she made me sit at the table until i ate my breakfast.

I wished that my mother would have been more patient with me and had showed me my mistake without punishing me for it. 

For years, i couldn't say that i was sorry and could not stand for someone to tell me i was wrong.  It took me years to figure out that the appropriate response to someone apologizing to me was not "it is okay".  Once my boyfriends son had done something and my boyfriend made him apologize to me, i didn't know what to say because it wasn't "okay", so i just sat there.  He was so furious at me for not saying anything. 

I was in my mid 20's and i didn't know how to respond to an apology. 

Monday, May 28, 2012


the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school

Mother decided that i needed to have something to keep me preoccupied, so i became a candystriper (hope i spelled that right, an extra/omitted p and that sentence has a new meaning).  I really did like it, but i didn't like the whole patient thing, so i spent most of my time in medical records shredding documents.....i loved the sense of accomplishment. 

It was a good and bad summer for my mother and I.  I don't really remember the good times (shocking i know), but i do remember her inability to be patient with me.  It was my job to vacuum the house every day or maybe every other day.  I know that most normal people only vacuum once a week, but my mother is a clean freak.  I am a teenager, vacuuming the house is not important to me, making my mother not be angry is though.  I vacuum the house and i don't notice (because there is no dirt on the floor) that the vacuum is not picking up and my mother is mad at me because i don't notice.  I think i knew at that time or i didn't really care that there was never going to be a way to make my mother happy.  Her standards are impossible to keep.  My father now vacuums the house daily, even though i am sure it isn't right, he does it because she cant and this is the standard that she always had. 

Pleasing my mother is like banging your bloody head against the wall, i am tired of my head hurting. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

talking to myself

it always cracks me up when people say that they would be 16 again if they knew what they knew now, i wouldn't

I might redo my thirties again, but not my teens, definitely not my twenties and i would do almost anything to not live at home again.

If i had to do it all over again, i would
1) get on medication earlier for my issues
2) learn how to not take myself so seriously
3) start saving earlier
4) find and follow God
5) choose good men instead of letting the bad ones choose me
6) learn when to stay and when to leave
7) find my voice and use it
8) know that everything will work out in the end and if it isn't working out, then it isn't the end

I could go on, but wont

new car, new life

if you say you want a new pair of shoes, you want a new career.  If you say you want a new dress, then you want a new husband.  If you say you want a new car, then you want a new life.  Becky's new car.

I went and saw Becky's new car last night.  It was funny, witty, and too long for a girl who had been running all day once again. 

I have been buying lots of shoes and dresses lately, i am too cheap for a new car.  I would like to have a Nissan murano, but my friend just bought a Nissan and the transmission is slipping.  Everyone else i know who owned a Nissan had to replace their transmissions, this would be my luck.

My first car was a Nissan.  I loved that car, washed it at least once a week.  I put so much armorall on the dash that it started to have build up, i finally half asses armoralled my dash the other day after spending $5.00 at the car wash trying to get all of the bugs off the front end.  This would be the second time i have washed this vehicle since i bought it in November.....sad. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

changing times

gone are the days when women were hidden when pregnant, you see women sporting their baby bumps and you are hard to find a maternity department.  I was shocked yesterday when i went to Target and saw that they actually had a maternity section.  I can still recall Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair naked as the day she was born with strategically placed hands keeping the cover from being rated X.  There was such outrage at the beauty of that picture.  Now celebrities wear clothing that accentuates their baby bundle. 

My mother in law told me that the first time she ran for state representative that men would ask her why she was doing it and that she should be at home or a school teacher or maybe it was a nurse.  The year was 1984. 

It is incredible to think that women were unable to vote until 1919,   The Ayes included 36 (82%) Republicans and 20 (54%) Democrats. The Nays comprised 8 (18%) Republicans and 17 (46%) Democrats.  You would have thought that the vote would have been the other way around, women being able to vote had to be a left issue.....guess not, since it looks as if the Democrats were for the suffrage. 

Oh how the tide has changed, nearly 40% of women out earn their husbands.  I have the better credit and higher earning potential than my husband who has a bachelors degree and I with my associates in general studies. 

My mother had to have my father co sign for a bed when she left my adoptive father even though she had owned a house, countless number of cars, and had credit cards in her name. 

I am thankful that i never had to feel the glass ceiling and that women before me paved the way to allow me the simple things that i take for granted. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Life is amazing.

Life is amazing.

A young lady that I know whose father just died and found out that she has the same rare blood disease that he had. I met Amber through an online class that we had together.  She had some issues and I found her on Facebook and have had the honor to follow her through her journey. 

Yeah know, I've been very blessed! Yes my daddy is no longer here with us, but would he want me to stop my life?, he's here, he's watching & he's proud! Yes I have a blood condition that has CHANGED my whole life, & I will be on a blood thinner the rest of my life. But Gods still letting me breathe, he has a plan for me, I can feel it.. He helped me get through this, he knew where the clot was & not going, he let me get somewhere safe & live! When I found out I had this blood condition, I was ANGRY, SCARED, UPSET, & HURT... Since I've been out of the hospital I've had tons of dr apps, check ups, etc..... Yes I'm sick & tired of it, but God left me on this earth for a reason. I sit back sometimes & get so angry this has happened to me but then I stop.... & think.. Im not a child who has cancer & has to live in the hospital, I'm not poor, I'm not living on the streets, I'm not starving, I'm not fighting for my life, and for that I am so thankful, I have my bad days... We all do, but at the end of the day I'm one blessed girl who has her Father (God) & my guardian angel, looking after me... I'm not going to be scared anymore.. Worried, ya maybe at times.. But I'm going to take a step back & tell myself; I'm here for a reason, I could have died that day God put an obstacle in my life, but we over came it. Please take nothing for granted.. Think of people that are dying right now, homeless & starving, before you say, "Why me?" I know I will!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the cancer

the older i get, the more negativity becomes a cancer that i fear

I dont watch scary movies because they leave me with a feeling that i just cant shake. 

I listened to a book on cd once about how every interaction you have either fills or empties your bucket, positive people fill you bucket....negative ones only take from your bucket. 

I had a person on facebook that only wanted to put negative things up and celebrate other peoples failures.  I deleted this person, i cannot and will not allow negative people to make me paranoid that i am the next person they will target. 

I can empathize, i used to be that person....the person who tore everyone else down to make themselves feel better.  The problem is that there will always be someone else that appears to be a threat to you and there isnt enough hours in the day to tear them all down. 

I choose to not allow that in my life and to distance myself from those people.  I understand it, but it doesnt mean that i have to condone or participate. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

brown bag

i am old fashioned when it comes to brown bagging, pb&j all the way. 

I like whole wheat bread, strawberry jelly (griffins of course), and extra crunchy peanut butter and the bread must be soft.  Matt on the hand will eat ham and cheese and the bread he isn't so picky about.  I took one for the team the other day and went to the store, bought two loaves of bread.  I went to make my lunch yesterday and noticed that there were 2 slices of bread in the old package, i knew they would be not as soft as the new, so i did what any good wife would do.......i took 2 slices out of the new package and replaced with the old. This morning when i made my lunch the old bread was gone and no one is the wiser, except for you.....................and matt if he reads this, which he probably wont because i always get into trouble. 

Monday, May 21, 2012


it is obvious that i am becoming a union blogger.....i only blog Monday through Friday, but then i have morning optimist on Wednesday at 6:30 am, you have to be optimistic to be up that early

I had a dream last night that my mother in law went off on my opponent (she did loudly call her fat the other day), but i had never seen her that angry.  I then  had a confrontation with the mean girls.  I also had a dream that i went back to my old job, as if nothing had ever happened and i had to eat crow after all of the negative things i had said about my old job.

"speak to people in a way that honors God".........Sunday service

I see how the beginning of Alzheimer's is affecting my mother in law and I know that she will grow angry like my mother (suck, because i think i have finally gotten over my mothers and I damaged relationship). 

Matt always says that dreams are the subconscious way of sorting things he tells me that i need to write all of these down and give them to my shrink (i don't think that we can afford that much therapy). 

gods plan

it is hard to be patient with god's plan

Do you hear that?????  It is deafening, it is my biological clock. 

I never had children because of being with the wrong guy mostly, being messed up most of my life, and partly because i didn't want a child to be raised the way i was.  When i finally got to the right time in my life and found a guy who was strong enough to get me through it, he was impotent.  I know that in order to have my family i must leave, but i am reminded of the story in the bible where the woman was infertile and so they used a surrogate and that child ended up being a disaster. 

I used to struggle with women knowing my husband in a way that i will never know, but now i think that i wouldn't know how to be in an intimate relationship with my husband after over four years of marriage.  I have finally got past the anger of feeling deceived, my husband is a godly man and wanted to wait until we were married to have sex (yeah, i know, i am a dumb ass), but i thought it was sweet and special.  I have spent years being angry for feeling deceived, now i am just indifferent to the situation and i am okay with not ever having sex with my husband, just not okay with never being that close to another man. 

I am torn between two lives, one i desperately want and one i feel obligated by my word before God to complete.  I wish i knew what God's plan was, is God's plan for me to finally have the family that i want or to complete my obligation.  I feel in my heart that i was to carry a child and know that love created the most perfect being.  If only i could just take two people and make them into one......if only life were that easy. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

fake it til you make it

sometimes failing isn't the scariest thing that can happen

i have always feared failure and now that i have gone outside my box, i am torn daily between the fear of public failure and the fear of success

i have stayed in all kinds of situations because i was scared to leave, now i leave because i am scared to stay, sick of looking back on my life thinking "what if", sick of thinking of all the years that i lost and sick of being envious of other people and their ability to not be stuck in a situation

I turn 40 this year, proud to say that i made it, and scared to think that 50 is around the corner....lord, don't let me waste another decade

Thursday, May 17, 2012


sometimes i wonder if i over commit myself so that i don't have to deal with the issues at hand

they have found four more masses on my mothers brain, this probably explains her violent mood swings.  I know there is a very special place in heaven for my father, who takes care of her (or at least tries to when she will let him) all by himself.  There is no way my skin is thick enough to take care of someone and have them look at me and "i love you, but i don't know why".....i am still not sure how to take that.  This may be another one of my issues, i over think things too much.  Thankfully, my ADD kicks in and i usually find something else to obsess over. 

I haven't see my mother since the "rules" talk.  I bought her a plant for mothers day, but she wasn't in the mood for visitors.  Since it went so well last time, i decided to listen to my father and stay away.  I wonder if she will remember that it was mothers day or if i should just plant the flowers in my planters and think of her everytime i look at them.....there i go overthinking things again. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the half gift

one time i was given a barbie for a birthday present, the person who gave it to me was slick enough to take the earrings out and put the barbie perfectly back in the package.....when i asked where the jewelry was she told me that her mother thought that i was too young to have the pieces.  I was 7 or 8 what was i going to do, choke on them??? 

I guess i have been gullible my entire life....

Sunday, May 13, 2012

coping skills

the other day, one of my employees was having a panic attack

she asked me what i did when i had one....i thought for a moment and decided that i either shopped or ate, not so great coping skills. 

besides, all of my anxieties are, waiting for the other shoe to drop

I am so tired of feeling messed up and working so hard to look as though i have it all together, proving to myself that i have it all together. 

I try to do better and talk my way through the issues with someone, but usually i find it convenient to have my panic attacks at 2am, when everything seems scarier than it actually is. 

I have an appointment to see a shrink in July, there is a book of paperwork to fill out and i got stumped at the page where he wanted me to fill out about my family and their issues.  I thought about just putting the address to my blog and telling him to read it, it would make this process much earlier. It is like the time a customer asked what was wrong with my people, i asked him how much time he had and if he wanted that list alphabetical or by seriousness of issue (he just thought we were all too nice).

mothers day

today was rough

there was a cute cartoon with children talking about how they knew that their mother loved them.....they played on the floor with their children

it suddenly dawned on me that i dont ever remember my mother EVER playing with me, not to mention to get on the floor to be on my level

then they did a baby dedication, there were six couples and after matt told me that i had said "ahh" too many times, it hit me and i started to cry

I will never stand in front of the church and dedicate my baby.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

the trees

so at one time i thought i would major in psychology, i am so thankful that i changed my major

i cannot fathom having people suck the life out of me all day

i interviewed and hired a girl that has had a history with drugs.......(yep, you don't even need your crystal ball to tell how this one is going to end).  I believe people deserve a chance, someone gave me a chance once and so i try to pass it forward.  She started to have mood swings, blamed it on personal issues, whatever.  I hired a new girl, which i found out later was a friend of hers and i think she is a drunk.  She tells me that the new girl has spent her morning in the bathroom getting sick and she thinks that she is drinking on the job?????  This is your friend?????

Her husband shows up yesterday, really????  He seems like an okay guy, he isn't trying to bad mouth her, he just seems so lost that he isn't sure where to turn.  So, i am thinking that she is back on drugs and lying to us all.  Another person who is close to the situation says that she is still on the straight and narrow......the situation is never really the way that i see it, so i am so glad that i didn't become a shrink, because i obviously suck at seeing the forest through the trees. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

god is

God is
what brings two people together
the unexpected pick me up
watching a child smile and laugh
is the miracle of life
the ability to appreciate and notice the little things in life
what made you late so you would miss the car wreck that happened 5 minutes earlier
what makes you safe
what gives you strength to make it through the unsafe times
all that is good
the butterflly that follows you through the flower garden
the kind word from a strangers
putting the right people in your path at the right time
putting you in someone elses path at the right time

stop trying to convince people through scripture that they dont get and bring it down to their level, these things cannot be explained away.....

Monday, May 7, 2012

random post

thankfully, this is finals week.  I have not enrolled for the summer, not sure if i am or not.  Part of me is scared not to and the other doesn't want to waste a semester if only for just 3 hours.  I have until the end of June to know whether or not i will have a new job come 2013.  I have an audit to get through the same week of election (i am really not sure if there is enough xanax for that week).  My shoulders have started to hurt again, i had to buy new pillows because my dog decided to mark my old ones.  It is amazing how personal a pillow is, my father in law has had the same pillow since he was a child.  The hilarious part about it is that it looks like a child's pillow and i swear it is filled with bricks it is so hard.  I remember when the latest as seen on TV fad was buckwheat pillows, this is what this pillow felt like.

I saw the mean girls Saturday night and they have seemed to have lost some of their power, thankfully.  It is funny how it all seems to be about perception. 

I have stepped outside my comfort zone and have tried something different.  Not every person can say they saw their name on a ticket.  It is surreal to drive around town and see signs with my name on them.  I am used to being known for my parents or for my in laws.  I know why people risk their privacy for the public life......i cant wait for it all to be over with so i can go back to my quiet, secluded life that involves not talking to people i don't know. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

nature v nurture

I have only met my biological father a handful of times.  Since he has led a higher profile life, i have seen him on TV, in the newspaper, and of course with the ease of the Internet, i now have a picture.  Since i am Hispanic i always imagined him to look like Edward James Olmos (probably because his name is Ed as well).  I assure you he looks nothing like the actor. 

My mother met my adoptive father when i was a baby, they married when i was two.  I have a step brother and a step sister.....this is where it gets interesting.

My sister and I have never lived together.  She is 7 years older than i am and i only spent time with her briefly.  My bff and I were always in awe of her, she was graceful, had a kind spirit, she was beautiful and we thought she was the coolest person we had ever met. 

After her divorce, we started spending more time together.  It is neat when you are an adult, you can have sleep overs without adult supervision, probably shouldn't mention the governor's pool.  It was after that first trip that the similarities were amazing.  Last night, i was blaming her for getting me hooked on bread pudding, thinking that she wouldn't even remember liking it in her twenties and she begged me to bid higher (pie auction) and get that pudding!!!  We drink our coffee the same, cant stand to have water in our ears, her youngest daughter could pass for mine (often does), and we have the same OCD tendencies (if the house isn't in order, then we are a mess). 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

mean girls

This is the way i roll

I am working on a word document for my store that will hopefully get me to the bottom of a situation and will keep me from killing people. I have the wording of an email in the back of my head that i am going to work on next while simultaneously thinking of this blog. 

I have suddenly been transformed back to high school. It is funny how we always say that we would like to go back if we could only know now what we didn't then????  It still stinks and there are still mean girls, except now i am not one of them.  I don't have the burning desire to rip people to shreds to make myself feel better than them.  I have worked hard for everything that i have and i am very proud of what i have accomplished.  I finally feel comfortable in my own skin (when the mean girls aren't around).  I know that God has a master plan and i just need to stop being a control freak and let him guide me to my destiny, because he has always done a better job than i have. 

welcome problems as perspective lifters. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to the situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up and see you life from Gods perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a momentary trouble.

this was my daily devotion yesterday.  It is so very hard to not pray that an uncomfortable situation will go away.  It is hard to be thankful and pray that God will help you through it and that you will act as he would want you. 

It is amazing how you will repeat a situation until you are skilled to handle it.  I have had some of the mean girls trying to break me down to make themselves feel better.  I had a situation happen in my previous employment that caused stress in my life and made me realize that i did not want to work for that kind of company.  I learned a very important lesson about rumors, reputations, and the value of getting all of the information before making a decision about a situation.  Hopefully, it made me a better boss.

I have two situations that are making me uncomfortable.  I have drama at my store that continues to pop up.  I hate conflict, so thank you God for getting me over that dislike.  I also have the mean girls that want are being judge and jury.  I am just thankful that i have people that know me, will stand up for me, and that my reputation will vindicate me. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

what a wonderful world

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I got up early this morning to water my flower garden.  I am a novice at this so i am not sure when to water, but i do know that i cant wait until i have a day off to do it. 

This is how the ADD thought process goes.....if you water during the day, then you will burn up your flowers, but if you wait until night then there is a chance they could mold, i could water when i get off work, but what if it is still too hot and then gets dark soon morning it is

I put on my robe and stood in the front yard, the only thing that was missing was pink fuzzy slippers, curlers, and my coffee.

Since i planted bulbs, i know that if you water too much they will i just wet down the ground....then i saw the starting of the weed population (now i know why my mother is so obsessive) and so i pulled some of the little varmints....darn, i need to get up earlier. 

As i went to put a little more water on my flowers by the mailbox, i saw that i had a little yellow butterfly entourage...and i thought to myself "what a wonderful world"

i decided to go and check on my baby rabbits.....they are gone and look as though they have been for a long time...........ugh, WEEDS!!!!!