Saturday, August 31, 2013
My cousin posts on Facebook "Thank you to my mother who jumped up at 6:00 am Friday to bring me meds and Gatorade. She rub my back and legs to help sleep. Encourage me to keep drinking fluids and just was there. At 43yrs old I still NEED my mom."
First of all if I were that sick, calling my mother would be the last thought in my mind. Even when my mother had all of her faculties, I still cannot imagine calling her and asking her to bring me stuff because I was sick. I could see her bringing me medications, maybe Gatorade, but rubbing my back and legs to help me sleep? I have a better chance of Ed McMahon showing up at my door (yes, I realize he is dead).
This is where my therapy comes in, instead of feeling as if I were shorted something or thinking that I did something that justified the withholding of this treatment. I just recognize it for what it is, accept it, and just know that I deserved better. There was a time that I would have analyzed this for hours. Wondering why I didn't receive this treatment when I was younger, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Internalizing it into "if my parents didn't love/treat me well....why would anyone else?"
Now I know that I am in charge of healing my own heart.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
this is so me and this is probably what is causing this continuous thought pattern that I am having. This is why I am in therapy. Even if I knew the why, it still doesn't change the way that it made me feel. I am a fixer, this is my reasoning for knowing the "why". I am having to learn that I am not responsible for fixing everyone and everything. I am really only responsible for me and my animals.
I keep getting these reminders that I must find my self worth in myself, not my work, not my mate, and not in the way that I look. As Roslynn would say "I was outdone" tonight. I went to the grocery store and picked the quickest parking spot. I ran in and got three items and got out as quickly as possible. I got into the vehicle and thanked him for waiting for me. I was barely out of the parking spot when I was told that he wished I would think of someone other than myself and not park him pointing into the sun light. Wow!!!! That was a rendition of the Butch speech about the world not revolving around me.
I really struggled this morning with my thoughts. I am confused as to why I keep going back to the same thought patterns. I try really hard to get up and think of God in the morning, to be thankful, to be appreciative, to ask him to help me heal my heart and continue to carry me through my troubles. Unfortunately my first thoughts were from the damage caused by the Miley Cyrus VMA performance. I have been working my steps like my therapist has told me, know that my past mistakes were because I am looking for validation from anyone who is willing to give it to me. Forgive myself, be loving with myself, and learn to recognize the situation once it presents itself again and be able to chose differently.
I have been having better days. I am not sure if it is because of my meds, my therapy, or the fact that I haven't really seen chicken little in almost 3 weeks. Tomorrow she will be back and I am hoping that I will be able to handle the situation effectively, efficiently, and professionally. We all have a game plan and I have replacements hired.
I really do believe that my anxiety comes from the fact that I really do believe that I do not deserve what I have. Today I had to remind myself how exceptionally hard I have worked for all that I have. I deserve to live in a nice house. I deserve to drive a nice car. I deserve to have nice things to wear. My biggest fear in life is that my house would burn down and I would lose it all because I don't deserve it.
Monday, August 26, 2013
I do but I don't understand addiction, I have had so many different ones in my life. I have drank too much, I have eaten too much, I have spent too much money, I have worked too much.....I have a hard time understanding how people get stuck on one addiction.
I am still trying to work through all of my anger and irritation issues. My sister wants me to come and see her. I have been avoiding it for fear of not being able to keep healthy boundaries. My sister is a master manipulator. I then wanted to be like Butch and tell her to pull her head out and plug it in. I am now at, I don't want to see the sad condition that my sister is living in.
I remember my cousins and I worshiped her, we thought that she was the coolest chic in town. Now to know that she is more interested in drinking her whiskey than doing her laundry or taking a shower is not cute. I can remember once she gave me a look of horror when I didn't brush my teeth before going to bed. I really hate to know the last time that she brushed her teeth.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
yesterday was a circus. I took both dogs to the store to be bathed. I usually only take paisely because she is so much easier to handle. I finally got the harnesses on both the dogs, got my breakfast, made my coffee. I pulled up to the front door and got the dogs out......I don't have any keys. Paisely is trying to take a poop. I get her and Bubba loaded back into the car, race across town to the house to get my keys. I walk out to the car and Bubba is in the front seat eating my oatmeal....lovely. I race back across town get to the store, get Bubba out (he is a runner you know). I open both doors and lock them into the store, turn off the alarm and go and park my car. As I am getting my 20lb purse out of the floor board, I turn my coffee cup over on to me and my seat. REALLY. I finally make it into the store and I do what any dog loving owner does. I scrap off the top layer of my oatmeal and eat the rest for breakfast. WHAT? I was hungry, I only had two ice cream sandwiches for dinner the night before because my husband had an insulin reaction while trying to change his insulin pump.
I was soooo tired Friday night, we were suppose to go to dinner with his parents. I should have known something was up because he was just acting weird when he was changing his shirt and not that my husband is always late, but he doesn't manage his time well. I am ready and he decides that he needs to change his insulin cartridge. I keep hearing the insulin pump go off and I know something is up. His sugar was at 55 and I saw how desperately he was trying to get his pump back together, but just didn't have the brain power to do it. This is when I wished that I had paid more attention when they were showing him how to use the pump, instead of playing on facebook or whatever I thought was more important at the time. I got a candy bar out of the fridge, opened it and handed it to him. He didn't want to eat it. This is when I have to tell him that it is either the candy bar or I will have to stick him with a needle. If you know me, just the thought of me having a needle probably scares the bejesus out of you. Of course, he doesn't like his choices. I am soooo tired, that I am really not patient. I felt really bad and apologized later, even though he doesn't remember, but I do. My husband really likes to be right, so when I told him his sugar was low and he argued with me, I said "well, then let's just test it and see". Boom, 55. Unfortunately, he was so low that it didn't register. I did get him to eat the candy bar because he was tired of me mentioning it. Thankfully his sugar came up and he then realized that he needed more sugar. When this happens I start to hover and it drives him crazy. I know that he doesn't want to be different than anyone else and he wants to be independent, but I worry that something will happen on my watch and I will never forgive myself.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
WOW!!! I spend so much of my time trying to figure it all out, i have gotten stuck on trying to figure it all out. My therapist has made me realize that i have to move past the why and accept it. I have to learn to forgive myself, to stop punishing myself, and to stop being my own worst enemy.
I have said it tons of times "i cant help how other people act, only how i react" and it really is the truth. I have to acknowledge situations from my past, understand why i made the decisions that i made and make better decisions based on that information the next time that situation arises.
i am still new to this religion thing so i am not sure who i am suppose to pray to, God or Jesus Christ. I have spent so much time and energy trying to dig this ugliness from inside of me that i decided to try a new approach. I asked God and Jesus Christ to be with me and I brought up people and situations from my past that had caused me pain and I forgave them, more importantly I forgave myself and I let them go. Oh my, it is a liberating feeling. It was very interesting though, I didn't even think of my ex husband or mr x.
I drove to work yesterday with the radio off and really examined the Mr. X situation and other situations I had been in like it. I thought about my embarrassment, shame, hurt, and denial that the other didn't give me what I wanted or needed. I acknowledged the reason why I was in the situation, why I was drawn to that person, and how I programmed to want those things. I stopped being embarrassed by how I was carelessly tossed aside. I forgave those people and most importantly forgave myself for allowing the situation in my life.
I filed these people under "sometimes people just don't have it to give and it has nothing to do with you".
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
When I married my ex husband and he would have his fits of diarrhea of the mouth leaving me feeling to stupid to breath. I would go to work and lick my wounds, not accomplishing much. I left that company and went on to the next one where I still didn't quite have the management concept down and was getting my butt kicked there as well. Thank goodness, I had the opportunity to work for the best manager that I had ever worked for, the best man that I have ever had to pleasure of knowing.
When the narcissist left me broke and broken, I spent much of my time drinking my blues away. If I was hung over it didn't seem to hurt as much because I could only focus on thing at a time and it was usually the task that I was working on. I cant say that I had stellar performance during that time in my life either. Then I got sober, started working out, and got my life together. I had this drive to succeed. This is when I looked to my job to fill the empty spot in my heart. It was nice to be the person that people looked to for getting the job done. The person that people depended on. I no longer had to see that disapproving looks from those people who thought they were better than me. This is when I became the workaholic. This is when I became married to my job. Until it cheated on me.
Monday, August 19, 2013
I went to the store today to see if i could fire someone for attendance and i could tell that my attitude had not gotten any better. I cant wait for Krysis to come back from vacation.
I am still finding reminders that i alone must fill this hole by myself. I came home Thursday night to a lackluster welcome. It did hurt my feelings. I cant rely on a relationship, food, clothes, or my job to fill the hole that i feel inside. I don't have to kill myself everyday to be accepted. I am going to have to learn that the way that i am is good enough.
It is funny, my sister is an alcoholic who tried to cut herself with a bic razor. My brother was thrown in jail for stalking his ex (married) girlfriend. Butch told my sister "look at your sister, she is just kicking ass".....whatever, more like getting my ass kicked.
my therapist thinks that my meltdown was transference from not feeling as if anyone cared about me when i was growing up.
one Christmas, i was feeling really down. i had to be in either the 7th or 8th grade and i remember feeling a shift because i had decided that when school was going to start back that i would start going with a certain guy and that made me perk up. butch said that he was happy to see me open up and that other family members had made a comment on it. i started looking to guys to validate me and make me happy.
i was watching a show yesterday and the guy being interviewed said that you have to find a way to get the roommates in your head to be quiet. I am not sure how to do this, they talk even when i am asleep. I woke up this morning wondering who had more laundry, star trek or star wars....i decided it was star trek.
Friday, August 16, 2013
I used to fly to see my grandmother every summer and was fine with the experience until my senior year. I flew back and we hit a cold front. I literally thought the plane was going to fall out of the sky. I flew with my mother and she drank rum and coke until the world looked flat. I thought we are going to die and she isn't going to have a clue. That incident made me nervous to fly until the year I went to Florida and cluelessly rode a roller coaster. I was scared to death on that as well, but when I got on the plane to come home, I learned to just go with the flow of the plane, that fighting it or cerebrally trying to control it was not going to do anything productive. I cannot control the world that I live in and after spending most of my life trying to do so, I am exhausted. I am stressed out, filled with anxiety of what may or may not happen, filled with depression, and have all the baggage to go with it.
I had the opportunity to sit yesterday and talk with a coworker about my childhood. His wife was married for 20 years and she left when her husband cheated on her. Her children want nothing to do with her and worship the ground their father walks on. I was confused as to why her children hadn't had enough life experience to understand that there were two sides to every story. I shared my story about how my adoptive father was a womanizer and my mother had enough and left. It absolutely killed me to watch a man that I adored sit and cry. I will forever be confused as to why he was so upset when she left when he did everything in his power to make her leave.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood (as we all know). I was collateral damage, raised by two people who are broken (thank goodness, my mother married a man who put me first). I am not at the point where I feel as if I was the prize in that divorce. Butch trying to prove to the world that he wasn't that bad of a person because he was raising a daughter, that wasn't even his, all alone. Do I think that he did any of the things that he did with malice, no. I just don't think that he thought of anyone else's well being but his own. I am guilty of that too, which is why I don't have children.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
If you don't like what you are getting, change what you are giving.
I have really fallen off the wagon lately. I finally prayed today. I have gossiped this week and judged people. I have allowed my favorite four letter word back into my vocabulary. I have been a disappointment this week, all I can do is ask for forgiveness (which I promptly did during a cat litter presentation). I must find a way to stop old habits from creeping back into my life.
I am not sure how I expect that my life will get better or the hole that i continue to carry with me will get filled with positive things if I continue to allow negative things, people, and thoughts into my life.
I am trying very hard to surrender my life to God and allow him to guide me to a better, more fulfilling life. I have to learn to stop and get in tune with myself and God so that I can start making the correct decisions for me and my future.
It has been almost a week since my melt down. I have been in san Antonio since Sunday. Last week I felt so overwhelmed and didn't want to come because I had so much to do.
I had a call in yesterday, dept manager with an ex husband that is going to have his leg cut off and is full of staf infection.
I have really been spending time thinking of how to get the drama out of my life, to get people be more responsible for finding the solutions for the problems that they bring to me. I am going to stop being the person who says "I will take care of it" and leverage my team. I have to get the negative out of my life. ..... it is not helping me get myself out of this hole that I have been trying to drag myself out of for the last year.
This week's conference is called "changing the game". I am going to have to stay focused and turn the tables on my people to get them to stand on their own two feet.
Friday, August 9, 2013
it all started on Wednesday with a groomer and the passing of her grandfather, she stayed and finished grooming her dogs, called all of her appointments and cancelled them. she then called her boss to let her know that she was going out of town. amazingly enough, no one could come in and cover her shift Wednesday. the same two groomers whom I recall ran out the door the minute their grandfather died and then took a week off. I left the store feeling disappointed and sad. I thought about my team and if that had happened to anyone of us, we would move heaven and earth to ensure that the schedule was covered. needless to say, my groomers didn't like it when I told them this. I feel like I am back in high school when dealing with these people, they are clickish and gossipy. I have been fighting it since the day I got there. I have stayed late and helped bathe dogs, I have spent my own money to make sure they had the supplies that they needed. I flipped out and left the store with my manager right behind me, I dropped about a dozen f bombs and left. I came home, crying and hugged my husband. I did go back to work and actually still had two groomers. I hate the fact that they cry about not making any money but only want to work three days a week. I am tired of people creating their own issues and then acting as if it is someone else's fault. It must have been truth serum day, because then I told chicken little that I scheduled her days off opposite of mine because I didn't like working with her and she gave me the blues.
I have gotten lost somewhere along the way. Wednesday night we talked about our testimonies and I realized that I didn't really have one. I was doing good, I had it all together, and I was happy. Somewhere along the way I let someone take that away from me. I thought back to the time that I was happy and I have started doing some of the things that I used to do when I was happy. Today was a good day. It has been a really long time since I have been able to say that.
The summit is next week and I am actually looking forward to it. It will be the year marker of when my happiness went away and I really want to feel good again. This last year has really been tough, there have many times that I wished I would disappear so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain any more. The pain, at times, was so unbearable. I would not wish this last year on my worst enemy.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
I have spent the majority of my life believing that people honestly have good intentions. That people want to go to work and do a good job. That people honestly care about other people.
At the end of the day, most people only care about themselves and what you have done for them lately. They will take any bad fortune on their part as ill will on your part. They will hold onto it and let it fester into a cancer. They have no concern in fixing the issue just focusing on it and who is to blame.
Don't fool yourself that most people are concerned about your well being and how to make your life easier. It is the retoracle question "hi, how are you?" (No one really cares). In fact it is just the opposite. In essence don't waste your time worring about their issues because they couldn't give two shakes about yours.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
truth be told, I don't think that there is anything that I can do to make anyone happy. I did give the homeless lady my water when I left the store, I guess that was selfless, no probably not, it wasn't even cold. I did apologize for it not being cold, but it was at least cool.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Emily P. Freeman
Thankfully my psychiatrist upped my meds and now I am back to sleeping at night. It is amazing how much better my world looks when I sleep at night. I became very discouraged that my new anti depressant wasn't working but the doctor told me that there is an extra ingredient in it that wont kick in until I get to the right dosage. The dosage that I had been on was just giving me the serotonin and I have been on that for years. I was beginning to wonder if this sadness was going to be my new normal.
I have been working on my boundaries. Unfortunately, beyond my husband, the only person that I have day to day relationships with are my employees. I told chicken little the other day that I expected no more drama from her and instructed my staff that the next time she says that she is too stressed out for this job to give her a piece of paper and a pen and get her letter of resignation. For Pete's sake, we run a pet store, she hasn't a clue what stress is. I dare her to find a boss who has put up with the amount of crap that I have. No one can suck the life out of you without your permission. Well, I no longer give any of them permission.
It has been really nice to have the last few days off with no school work. I am afraid that this time will go by too quickly. I did manage to get a 4.0 in my summer classes which takes my GPA to a 3.82. I am extremely proud of that.
It really does amaze me at times that amount of things that I manage to get done with all of the issues that I have. Which really makes me want to choke out some of my people and their self made drama. These people don't have a clue what real problems are. I have an aunt who takes care of her husband who is recovering from cancer (fingers crossed) and she takes care of her brother who is schizophrenic with not a lot of help. How she has managed to not have a nervous breakdown I will never know (she probably doesn't have the time).