Tuesday, January 29, 2013


today my employees just gave me the blues.....

i had an ex employee call me today looking for her w2.  I really wanted to say was "yes, let me just drop what i am doing to help you with your issues, considering you just walked out one day".  I did explain to her that she should have made sure that her mailing address was correct in the system before she quit, sorry, walked out.  I think that she got the hint that i am not full of useful information. 

had another ex employee who was lazy as the day is long call another store looking for a job, she told the manager that she had "all kinds of experience"....as Paula used to say is......long driveway, no house.

i am tired of being my employees mother, they need to break the suction.  I am not overly concerned about the amount of time that you have to spend with your significant other, i have a store to run and issues of my own. 

i always say that no one can take advantage of you without your permission........i am not giving them permission any longer. 


Random Thoughts of a tired Soldier!
I no longer wish to conform, why? I have many so called friends, but few true friends. (Maybe I am the problem). I cannot imagine what TV is like back home right now, AFN sucks ass, political BS. Where is the Middle Ground? Random Thoughts of a tired Soldier!
1. I believe Gun control is the ability to hit what I aim for.
2. I believe in the Constitution ...and in all amendments.
3. I believe in fair taxes (The Fair Tax Book written by Neal Bortz.)
4. I believe those on public assistance should not drive better cars with bigger wheels than I do.
5. I believe those on public assistance should have to pass a drug test, and it should not be generational.
6. I believe in God.
7. I believe in hard work, and starting from the bottom.
8. I believe in Freedom. If you do not believe this then unfriend me immediately.
9. I believe we have enough laws. If you do not believe this unfriend me immediately.
10. I believe we as a Nation should reach out and help our own before we extend our efforts elsewhere. If you do not believe this then unfriend me immediately.
Gonna thin the herd a little here.
11. I believe marriage is between a woman and a man. If you are gay, I am indifferent about it. I do not care unless you infringe upon my space. Those of my Friends that were in San Diego with me several years back (John Brandl, Kyle Hunter, Jacob Morgan, Nicole Childress, Tina Hunter) can attest I do not give one rats ass if you are, just don’t come onto me. (The last statement may cost me my presidency). Surprisingly enough I have gay friends.
12. I believe 100% and from the bottom of my heart in the United States Military. If you do not then unfriend me quick fast an in a hurry and go punch yourself in the throat or meet me back in the USA and I shall do it for you.
Still more to lose.
13. I believe it is absolutely OK to serve your country and be Gay.
14. I believe parents should show their children that they love them, set clear expectations for success, show them the path. If you don’t believe this then unfriend me today.
15. I believe parents should take responsibility for their children. If you do not believe this then unfriend me today.
16. I believe kids should have their ass busted for getting out of line. If you do not believe this then unfriend me today.
17. I believe we should only care what the world thinks about the USA as long as it does not cost 1 (one) US Military or Civilian Casualty. If you do not believe this then unfriend me today.
18. I believe in eating meat.
19. I believe that corn is a vegetable, it is so good, don’t unfriend me for this one.
20. I believe, if you don’t screw with me I won’t screw with you.
21. I believe that 70’s show is great. If you don’t believe this then unfriend me today.
22. I believe Red Foreman is awesome. If you don’t believe this then unfriend me today.
23. I am also diversified; The Big Bang Theory is also good.
24. I believe that republicans and democrats are both chickenshits at this point. I believe we need a real third party to step up and be accounted for. Maybe a Republicrat? Democans? Maybe even the Tea Party or the Libertarians will show up with a quality leader with the ability to move our country forward.
25. I believe true leaders are born not made, although I will concede that you can always make a better leader.
26. I believe to go against the grain is not always a bad thing.
27. I strongly believe business should make money and add value to society.
28. I strongly believe in the Free Market.
I had a vision while I was in a fever induced coma that only allowed me to mutter from time to time for the last three days. In my vision, I was leading a charge. I can’t really remember what we were going for, but many of you were in it. Some of these items I am fairly passionate about, others mostly I am indifferent, not meaning I don’t care, meaning it does not bother me one way or another. I’ll defer to #20. I actually wrote a few notes while sick.
I believe I will lose some of my liberal friends and some of my conservative friends. I can live with the loss. We can still be acquaintances, no big deal. However, not above agreeing to disagree and driving on.
This list is by no way shape or form is all inclusive and can be added to at anytime, However, I probably will not be changing my stance on most topics. I’ll defer to #20. No particular order, just…..
Overly Random thoughts of a tired soldier!
So this was posted by a guy i went to high school with, the only thing i could think of was  "this was the guy that kept a roach in a coffee cup feeding it donuts in our computer science class???".  I seriously thought that he got this from someone else so i googled "random thoughts of a tired soldier" and nope, as best as i can tell it is his original thoughts.  I thought of making some snarky comment about how this could not have come from the person who kept a pet roach in first period, then i thought he probably remembers me as the clone with the bad perm, incapable of any kind of deep thoughts.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

just another sunday

I have had a headache all day long...Sundays used to be days filled with coffee and homework, now I just want to lay in bed with my cat all day.  I usually only venture out for food.  I finally ran out of coffee creamer and went to the grocery store for the first time in 2013....yes, i get how really sad this is. 

I think that i am finally going to break down and find a new shrink.  My meds are no longer working and my weight is back at my highest. 

I watched a Jamie Foxx interview today and was jealous of his wisdom, introspect, and self assuradeness.  My realization was that all of these things come from age and wisdom.  I am able to read a manual and shorten the blinds in the office (Buckley was locked in the office and practiced his interior design skills again), but there isn't a manual for my madness.  I feel as though I am so broken that I should come with a warning label.  I feel so used that I am of little or no use to anyone. The problem with all of this is that i allowed all of these things to happen in my life, with my bad decision.  There comes a point and time in life where you stop blaming your childhood, put on your big girl panties and become an adult.  I look like an adult, i function like an adult, but i still feel like that nine year old child of divorce, desperately treading water trying to find something/someone to grab onto.  I substitute other people's judgement for my own, expect other people to validate me, and must have others to approve me.  

Monday, January 21, 2013

watching dominos fall

yesterday i took a nap and had a dream that i am afraid has undone the last 6 months of progress that i have made and threatens to drag me back into a deep depression

why is that we always think that the grass is greener on the other side....romanticize about times past.  My worst fault i always see what i think that people can be, ignoring what they really are...potential doesn't always equal future results. 

I found myself needy yesterday and easily irritated, filled with anxiety, my heart racing. 

I have already missed an assignment on my online class, which makes me want to just give up this semester.  I cannot struggle through another semester like i did the last one.  I am seriously thinking of dropping my online class and just focusing on my tax preparation in BA on Thursday nights. 

Yesterday just wasn't a successful day for me, i took my basic test for tax preparation and failed.  I get to take once more and if i don't pass.  I have no clue what i will do for this semester.  The problem is that hopefully i don't let these few days turn into a downward spiral, which unfortunately is easy for me to do. 

roller coaster

I remember i heard that insecurity is a bottomless pit that will never be filled by someone else.

I have an employee that suffers from trusting the wrong people and has little to no faith in herself, always looking for validation. About every day or so she hits me up for a raise, telling me that other places will pay her more. I decided years ago that i would not be held hostage by my employees, so i don't promise her anything and try to prepare her for the reality of retail in this economy. She tells me that she went to a place and that they offered her a job, i just smile. I never really know if she is telling me the truth or just making herself look better. She also told me that she had talked to a lower volume store and that they immediately offered her a job at a higher pay rate. Unfortunately, this usually backfires for the employee, because it proves to me that i am going to have to pay for their loyalty and that never lasts. She is usually drama filled and her bottomless pit of insecurities sucks the life out of me. You never know who is going to show up to the party and there are days that she walks into the front door that i know today is going to be a roller coaster.

I often wonder if this is what i am like to live with

Sunday, January 20, 2013


so Mr X's mother finally succumbed to Alzheimer's and died last month.  I realize that her quality of life had not been non existent for the last 12 to 18 months.  I cant imagine what that must be like to watch, but unfortunately i will have a front seat with my mother in law.  I found out last night that Mr. X's father is remarrying.  I asked my in laws if the wife's body was even cold yet, "cool" they replied.  Of course i had to share my latest gossip with my confidant, his reply was "you know he's been banging her all along. Shit like this just don't happen all at once."  Considering the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, i know that i dodged a bullet with Mr. X. 

This why i have always been foolish in love.  I was willing to trade a man who thinks that being married to me is the greatest thing in the world, just so that i could get laid.  I am so relieved that i didn't become another one of his triumphs. 

Matt said the father did the honorable thing, staying with his wife, hiring someone to take care of her in her home.  He didn't divorce her or put her in a nursing home.  I don't think there is anything honorable about a woman who was once strong, being given sponge baths from a stranger while her husband is sleeping with other women.  I would think twice before marrying this person. 

If they will do it with you, they will do it to you. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

my new career

so the local chamber hired a consultant to come up with a theme for our city.....warrior city

really??? i have found my new career, the last consultant that they paid to look over our fair city decided that there should be no more portable signs.  I don't remember how much that cost, so everyone just took the wheels off and put the sign on a pole.  I am still not sure how that helped the look of our city. 

I can think of a few things that would help the look of our city....the fact that there is a nudie bar on the south west entrance of town next to the adult toy shop probably doesn't make people want to stop.  The south east entrance has a convenience store that they last time i stopped there i saw a domestic dispute and that was over 12 years ago and hasn't gotten much better since.  The east side entrance isn't bad, you have the river, newer businesses, the college.  The north side of town is the new truck stop beside the old truck stop, the visitors station across from the other adult toy store that used to be a truck repair shop and looks so seedy i bet they show movies in the back....this will not entice the good folk of the bible belt to want to stay for while. 

I came up with all of that for free. 

Oh and we should probably stop the homeless people from standing on the street corner with their cardboard signs.....

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about rape.  You are more than likely to be raped by someone you know rather than a stranger.  A lady was talking about her experience on a college campus where a guy that she was hanging out with forced her to have sex.  She had not considered it rape and therefore did not report it because he didn't ejaculate.  Statistically, a man will rape at least seven times before he is caught. 

If you say no to someone and they disregard your answer, that person is trying to control you. 

If a man says no, this is the end of the conversation.  If a woman says no, some people think this means that the subject is still up for negotiation. 

I think that it is interesting that women has many different titles...Ms, Miss, Mrs. and men have just one, Mr. 


I watched the movie "Casino" this weekend.  I had seen it before, but i like mafia movies, so i caught the last half of the movie.  Sharon Stone was all strung out, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro weren't suppose to be seen together.  Joe Pesci's character "Nicky" is hard core, has no issue killing someone, and would do it in a heartbeat.  Everything fell apart, Sharon Stone overdosed, Robert DeNiro was almost killed when someone put a bomb in his car and Nicky went to meet some other mafia members in a corn field.  His brother had been causing some issues and Nicky thought he could smooth it out, little did he know that he was going to his grave.  They made him watch while they beat his brother with baseball bats, he begged one of the guys to stop while his brother was still breathing....they did, and started beating on him with the bats.  The mafia guys put Nicky and his brother in the same hole, they were bloody, striped down to their underwear, barely breathing, and they started covering them with dirt. 

When people show you who they are, believe them....

Robert DeNiro was very realistic about his situation.  Nicky was very confident when he arrived in the cornfield that he could fix the situation with his brother, the look of surprise when he was brought to his knees with the baseball bat and forced to watch his brother be beaten.  He cried and begged them to stop while "he was still breathing" has stuck with me for days.  This was a man that killed for a living, many people begging him the way he was begging for his brother's life.  I was surprised that the thought had never occurred to him that his life could be taken as quickly as he had taken others. 

As usual, i am probably putting too much thought into a fictional character, but it spoke to me about mankind.  If you run with killers, don't be shocked when they kill you next. 

Monday, January 14, 2013

the training

You teach people how to treat you and no one can take advantage of you without your permission...

I don't have children, but now that i have an adolescent dog, i am beginning to understand these principles even more.  I had to go to Broken Arrow for a class on Monday and Tuesday night, leaving Matt to his own devices on dinner.  He went to Braums, sharing his dinner with Buckley.  Yesterday Matt and I were having a very nutritious lunch of Christmas cookies and Buckley would stand on his hind legs to beg Matt for a cookie.  I put mine on the counter and had zero issue.  This morning he is in the bedroom trying to get ready for work, before putting on his socks, he uses them to play with Buckley.  Now he is trying to actually put on his socks, Buckley isn't finished playing. 

Fred trained Matt years ago when he first moved in, he would feed the cats a sixth of a can of wet food in the morning and a sixth of a can at night.  It was something i started years ago when i had Tutor and he had lost one of his teeth and had issues eating.  Fred would wake Matt up in the morning by either sitting on the dresser looming over him, running across the headboard, or if he had fallen asleep on the couch, she would box his nose.  Of course, Matt would get up and feed the cat.  In essence rewarding the cat for bad behavior. 

Buckley is still having issues coming into the house when you let him out.  I tried to lure him in with cheese and lined up biljac treats while trying to keep paisley from eating them and the cat running out the door.  Matt was so aggravated last night with him that he went outside with his leash to catch him, i walked up to the door, Buckley came running and he came right in for me.  This morning, i was running late for a meeting and they were jonesing to out, so i took the gamble and thankfully they came right in....it dawned on me, i was being trained.  Buckley received nothing other than a good boy for coming in, but lots of treats to lure him in when he was being bad.  I got the treats out this morning and rewarded his good behavior.

This is why i was hesitant to get another dog, i knew how lucky i was when i got paisely, she never chewed on the furniture...just the cable running into the house once or twice, making me break my toe when i saw here and was trying to get to the door, hitting the coffee table.  She rode in the car very well, she was easy to put on a collar and leash. 


Sometimes i have the most profound and insightful thoughts....right as i am going to sleep

Thankfully, i think that i have finally shaken this monkey of depression off of my back.  I had an early morning meeting and now that i am home i am cleaning my office getting ready to get back into the swing of things for a new semester.  I am only taking 6 hours so that maybe i don't overwhelm myself as i did in the spring and hoping that my depression doesn't come back soon. 

I always thought that i was to one extreme or another due to the fact that i am Libra and my sign is the scales.  I thought that was why i was always searching for balance.  Now i realize that it is my bipolar that has me searching to keep my emotions and life out of the ditch. 

There is this new Citibank commercial that continuously plays a version of the footloose theme song...i cant stand it.  It did bring back a memory of my bff, her dad took her family to see the movie, which was odd because i don't ever recall them going to see a movie.  Anyway, i was so jealous that she had gone to see this hot new movie and i had not been able to share the experience with her... even though i couldn't put it into those words at the time.  The really funny part about it was that she had even come up with this dance that i just knew had come from that movie.  Now that i think about that, i am pretty sure that she just spun in circles....what can i say we were young and i was impressed.  It is funny the things that you remember. 

My mother had a lucid thought the other day and called me, i usually don't answer because i don't like to talk on the phone and most days lately i don't have it to give for her emotional roller coaster.  She wants to have a sit down to figure out why i am so mad at her.  She has decided that she wants a car to be able to drive.....now i have two family members that i have to keep an eye out for while on the road, neither of which should be driving. My mother in law drove all of the way to our morning optimist meeting with her headlights off, because she couldn't figure out how to turn them on.....we meet at 630am.  I am pretty sure that my mother gets lost from the living room to the southwest room, but my dad probably has zero butt left from her chewing on it.  My adoptive father sent me an email the other day to ask if she was okay because she called him to let him know that they was a show on PBS for potters....i don't even know if he even does anything with his clay anymore. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

i'm too busy to be tired

i often wonder why i am not skinnier.....

5am alarm,snooze
507 am alarm, snooze
514 am alarm, snooze
521 am alarm

drag my behind out of bed, shower, dress, coffee
630 am morning optimist meeting, i swear i barely make it in the door before i have people wanting things.....invoices for quarterly dues are ready....my mother in law wants to help pass them out, but i first must go through them to see who is there, who isn't, and whose needs to be mailed.

730am, refill my coffee, out the door and off to fill up my car with gas...didn't have time to stop yesterday before heading to broken arrow for class

745am, have gas on the way to work

800am at the store, have two whiteboards of things to do

1230pm lunch, the table behind us has two people and four people standing and talking to them so loudly i have to shout so that Matt can hear me

130pm back at work and Bobbi has lost the tarantula....i hope someone other than me finds that darn thing

300pm cleaning out the back room, get rid of one pallet and take out the trash

430pm heading to the bank

445pm heading home, Matt is calling wanting to know where i am

500pm home, getting ready for church

530pm church, eat dinner, spend the rest of the evening trying to listen to Lance while keeping my mother in law from dumping her coffee on me

655pm leave church, run across town to staples to get sacks for the store....they close at 7pm

710pm get home, dig optimist stuff out of the car

715pm fill out deposit slips, balance check book, pay optimist dues and record all information in ledger

800pm take off make up and get into bed clothes

while crawling into bed, i realize that i have been running non stop since 530 am

i wont even bore you with my day yesterday, which included changing in the bathroom at the store and having zero time to put gas in my car

Sunday, January 6, 2013

the affair

I read an article in the paper the other day about a couple that was pulled over because their toddler wasn't restrained in a car seat.  In the car they found two pipes, synthetic marijuana, oh and a baby in the back.  I cannot help but ask myself why these people are allowed to reproduce and my husband will never have the chance. 

I had lots of issues in my twenties, using abortion as a type of birth control.  I made a deal with God, to take away my ability to have children so that i would never get pregnant again.  This is not something i am very proud of and now that i am in my forties, i wished i would have been a better person while i was in my twenties. 

I have been asked why Matt and I don't see a specialist.  I feel as though i was selfish and irresponsible with my life, my body, and my future when i was young, therefore forfeiting my chance of a child.  I have always thought that if it were God's will for Matt and I to have a child then we would have.  Who am I to question God's plan. 

People also don't understand why Matt and I stay together, since i will never know him the way other women have.  Please, don't get me wrong, there are times that i mourn what Matt and I will never have, but there are times that i sincerely believe that God knew what he was doing when he brought Matt into my life.  I was raped twice by my ex husband and unfortunately that has created issues with me and intimacy.  I spent years only being able to have sex when i was drunk, numbing myself so that i wouldn't freeze, wouldn't feel claustrophobic. 

I was in a dead end relationship with a guy who was psycho, feeling as if every day that i stayed that i was losing a little more of my soul.  I had always felt an attraction for a colleague of mine, we had flirted often, and had spent alone time together once but nothing ever happened.  I was having a really hard time professionally and he offered to come down one afternoon to take some weight off my shoulders.  We had spent a lot of time talking at lunch and he offered to take me to a hotel.  What??? Have sex while completely sober, that was absurd.  So i turned him down.  I spent a week realizing that was exactly what i wanted to do, so i called him and we met...at a hotel.  I was so nervous.  So nervous, that i had forgotten to bring protection.  I wasn't on the pill, hadn't been in years, my psycho boyfriend was fixed, so i didn't have to worry about it.  It felt good to finally feel something other than like i was dying inside.  This affair lasted almost a year, he was married, and i knew that if i crossed that line with him, we would never have a future.  If they will do it with you, then they will do it to you.  I tell people that if you get involved with someone who is married then someone will end up crying and it will more than likely be you.  Well, that is what happened, i got in too deep, desperately trying to grab onto anything to keep from drowning.  I met Matt, he instantly took care of me and expected NOTHING in return.  I had NEVER known anyone like that.  Tulsa (that is what i called my affair) called me one day after a meeting and wanted to meet.  I told him that it was time that i grew up, that i couldn't always have what i wanted when i wanted it, and that Matt deserved better behavior from me than that.  I could tell he was sad, but he understood. 

I really wished i would have always been as strong as i was that day....it feels good to not play the victim. 

the donkey story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it... to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to every one's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.

my genetic father

my mother calls the other morning at 2am, leaving me a voicemail of a phone number on how to contact my genetic father.  She must have found the information from when Matt and I first got married, she had contacted him, told him i was getting married and wanted to start a family.  She wanted to know if there was anything on his side of the family that i should be concerned about, he said no, his parents both died of old age and then said he had to go and would call back later....he never did.  I figure that is my answer about a future relationship with my genetic father. 

I have an address, i could always write a letter and then wait to see if i get a response.  I just always wondered what good could come out of this relationship, would i be a symbol of guilt to him, a mistake, the hick part of the family from Oklahoma.  I always figured he was the law enforcement person who had the access to find me, and if it were important to him then he would've before i turned 40??

More personal baggage to carry with me.  I always wondered if i saw him, would i know that he was my father, would i see the similarities immediately or would they be less apparent.  Lord knows, i don't need one more family member in my life that i have to force a relationship with....maybe i really was raised by wolves.  I have never really felt that family tie, that do or die, i will always be by your side....which is why i have always needed to be fiercely independent financially.  I have always hated to have to ask for help. 

I remember once asking my dad to put air in my tires, he was working full time and going to law school.  I was just being lazy, wanting someone else to do something for me.  He told me that he wasn't always going to be there to take care of my car.  That was an important lesson for me and how to be more independent. 

holiday gift shopping

The holidays have come and gone and i for one am excited...i did zero holiday baking this year, waited until the last minute for the planning of Christmas dinner.  Everything went off without a hitch, so i cant complain.  Except i was up way too early for my only day off that week.  I received two Christmas presents, one from an employee with a bunch of apple Cinnamon stuff, and the other from my in laws.  Why my mother in law always buys me jewelry is beyond me.  I always wear the same earrings and necklace, in fact, i rarely take them off. 

I did receive a Christmas card in the mail from my mother, that said she missed me and loved me.  I am thankful that came during the Christmas season.  She had my dad drop off a birthday card about two months after my birthday, that she had addressed with my first name, my married last name, my legal last name, my dad's last name, my last name as it appears on my birth certificate, and the nickname my adoptive father gave me.  Matt saw that and asked what the deal was with the seeing eye chart.  I guess the only one she forgot was my ex husbands last name and then it would have been complete.  Anyway, inside the card was a newspaper clipping of all of the people that had a birthday on the same day as me. 

Thankfully, Matt took care of the Christmas presents for our family.  I had grand plans for the few people i needed to buy for, then just slipped them some cash.  They both cried and hugged me.  I cant help it, when people cry around me, i will immediately start to cry as well.  It was a good day and it made me feel good.  It wasn't very inventive and kinda tacky, but cash, the gift that always fits. 

got to love the parents

I had to work a double the other day, as one person walked out and his replacement was sick....cough, cough (eye roll).  Which meant i had a few hours to come home and take a nap before pulling an all nighter.  Matt called his dad and told him that we wouldn't be at church, so i could rest.  His mother called him and this is how the conversation went

mom "i am sorry that she is sick"
dad "she isn't sick, she has to work"
mom "she has to work while she is sick"
dad "no Barbara, she isn't sick, she has to work"
Matt "do i really need to be here for this conversation"
mom "i guess not"....click

my wish for 2013

This is what i would like to see from 2013.  I would like it to be a year of forgiveness and honestly i would like to blend into the curtains and make it through the year with no real issues or drama.  I know that the latter will be of little to no spiritual growth for me, but i would like to find some peace. 

My academic vacation is over, as i start my VITA (volunteer income tax assistance) class on Monday.  I find it ridiculous that i am having to use the 2011 tax forms for reference because Washington cant decide on the 2012 tax forms...i bet all the tax software companies are loving this. 

One of my former assistants sent me an invite to Linkedin.  I have had an account for years, but never really did anything with it, now it seems like a good idea to get all my business contacts together for a future when i wont be in college anymore.  It is amazing what a small world it really is, i found two former bosses.  One who let me float down the river without a paddle and my old LP who tried to stop it found me on facebook the other day.  I am glad to feel as though i am finally putting that chapter of my life behind me.  It is incredible how the negative things about people are branded into your brain.  After i left my old job, a lot of facts finally came to light.  I finally figured out who had stolen the laptops, who helped, and how it was allowed to happen. I saw the guy about a year ago, driving in front of my store, we made eye contact for a second and i heard him say "hey, there is my old boss".  I wanted to scream "thief", but who am i to judge.  I would have never left that job, which would have never allowed for me to go to school. 

Matt and I went out to eat last week and he ran into a guy that he used to work with, as he sat down at the table, he told me who the guy was.  It really shocked me that the guy wasn't in his twenties as i had always assumed, he was our age.  I had just chalked up all the things that he did and allowed to happen to just being young and dumb. I guess some people never grow up. 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

life with buckley

Last week, Matt went to run some errands while i got ready for him to come and get me for lunch.  Thinking it had been awhile since the dogs had been out, i let them out for a quick minute....or so i thought.  It had been raining some and paisely went straight out and came back in....after making sure she stood in the mud for awhile.  I wiped her paws as i let her in, then it was her brother's turn.  I reached out and was able to wipe off one paw and then he took off looking at me like i was the devil.  I tried everything to get him back in, treats, leaving the door open and walking away.  It broke my heart to have him look at me like i was going to hurt him.  I finally sent Matt a text telling him i was getting in the shower and that his goofy dog wouldn't come back in the house.  He came home and opened the door, Buckley walked right in the house.  I got the towel out and Buckley flipped out, running all over the bedroom, jumping on the bed, we finally just draped it over him and he finally quit running.  We have had a few more episodes of him not coming in the house, Matt has been bribing him with cheese....i had to make a trail of biljac liver treats and try to keep the rest of the animals out of them while he makes his way into the house and out of the doorway so i can shut the door. 

This morning while i was eating my breakfast, trying to keep Buckley's big head out of my food, he decided to stand on the coffee table.  Not just front paws, front and back, and just standing on the table while i am telling him to get down. 

That dog is a mess, but i love him and i am really convinced that Dingo sent him to us. 

Update, last night Matt and I went to eat dinner in Tahlequah, so Matt decided to put Buckley in his crate.  When we came home, Matt had to change his insulin pump so Buckley would have to wait to get out of his crate.  When he finally let him out, i walked over to pet him and he ran from me.  He stopped in the foyer to let Matt pet him and i was able to pet his backside, it scared him so bad that he had an accident on the floor.  He then walked to the kitchen and i leaned over to pet him again, that is when i noticed that he was so scared of me that he had another accident in the floor.  I will NEVER understand what kind of psychopath is able to be mean to a helpless animal, especially when he looks up at you with those eyes. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

happy new year to me

today was a good day, slept late (for me), took a nap and most importantly did not leave the house

My neighbors decided to set off fireworks last night, which totally freaked out the dogs.  Good thing i remembered to give Paisely her meds earlier in the evening.  One time, i am going to find out which of my neighbors feel the need to wake me up at midnight with their overly dramatic fireworks display and when i wake up in the morning, obsessively ring their doorbell, so i can wish them a happy new year. 

I have spent my entire life being codependent.  I finally figured out that means letting other people and their moods control you and your life.  I know why i am this way.  Growing up with a man who suffered from depression, anger, paranoia, and his ability to shift between any of those moods suddenly is extremely difficult for a child to live with.  I remember feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and the responsibility to ensure that there would be nothing in his world that would trigger any of these negative emotions.  This is probably why i ended up in so many abusive relationships, it was common place for me to be with someone so emotionally extreme. 

I recall being the object of his anger. I can almost recite the script, it usually started out with me being too big for my britches, pulling my head out of my ass, the world not revolving around me and ended with i needed to plug my head in.  I wasn't really sure what plugging my head in meant, i thought it was a reference to an electrical outlet.  This is where i get my anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop, because i most often received this speech to take me down a notch.  This is why i am too scared to be happy.