Monday, December 1, 2014

the pain

the last week has been really hard, i have gone from being amused by things to feeling as if i wanted to just lay down and give up

i felt like the poor lady who was bawling over her fish dying, one little thing was all it was going to take to push me over the edge

Saturday morning was it, one of my people told me that my ex mother in law died......i called Matt to tell him how sorry i was and ask what i could do and i just fell apart.  so i just sent him a text and told him to delete my message.  he never responded which i didn't think he would.  me getting remarried was the ultimate betrayal. 

as when anyone tells me something horrible about myself, i just play it in my mind....over and over again.  i can remember Bobbi telling me that i was selfish and the only person that i thought of was myself.  i was hurt that no one came to my mothers funeral and she looked me dead in the eye and said "you hated your mother, she was a bitch".   it was as if someone sucked the air out of the room.  Dustin said he couldn't believe she said that.  it just made me realize exactly what type of person i was dealing with.  today i realized that she is projecting her junk on to me.  it really isn't about me, but it is affecting me.  i just pray that one day she will find someone that is good to her and she doesn't ruin it with her own issues.

my niece saw her ex riding around in a car with a bunch of girls, it really bothered her.  i told her why girls like the bad boy, but the issue is that he will always treat you bad and hurt you. 

i can remember being a teen and when i would get hurt i would just wallow in the pain, reliving it and dragging it out as long as i could.  i just thought that i was being a melodramatic teenager, but there is part of me that really thought i deserved it, it felt so good.  i had done to my mind and my heart what most girls do when they cut, except all of my scars were on the inside. 

my first husband.  i so wanted someone to see how bad he had treated me and justify my pain and the injustice of it all, but there was no one to do that.  my family wasn't and his family couldn't,  i cant stand women that play the victim, but i have done it so much.  being the martyr, taking on all of the maybe someone, somewhere would see this and come and save me and validate my pain. 

i so wanted someone to validate my life, my pain, and the injustice of it all and tell me that i didn't deserve one did

Thursday, November 20, 2014


and i received another blow today, one of my key people are leaving and i have not a clue how to replace her

i am feeling defeated.  i am trying very hard not to get into the "if work is going good, then my personal life is crap" state of mind.  then i think that it is karma for my problem child leaving. 

i am just trying to give it to god

interestingly enough i had a guy call me about a job interview, he had seen my resume' on my college website.  i have to go see him on monday.  i doubt they can pay me what i need, but it would be interesting and less stressful to do something else than what i have done the last two decades of my life. 

i talked to my sister today, i guess she has been committed since the day she showed up in Tulsa and i went and got her.  she doesn't really remember that day.  she sounded good.  they have diagnosed her again with schitzophernia and i can say that she does get very paranoid.  she is part of a program where someone comes by either daily or a few times a week and makes sure she is taking her meds.  she is also taking a three month shot, which should help her not to forget her meds.  i don't know what to think and i am really not going to put much thought into it because i am emotionally exhausted from my own personal roller coaster. 

i am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about this entire week but it is hard.  i had a boss once who told me that my first reaction to change was always to be negative and then after i sat with it awhile, i would calm down and start to see the bright side of things. 

lord, i hope so.  i could really use the favor. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

paradigm shift

so today my problem child gave her notice

i have done very well, i have tried to pray for her and her family for the last 30 days.  i am not as angry, but i am still very cautious.  i expect the next two weeks will be interesting.  i am looking forward to many hot line calls.  oh well, as long as she doesn't darken my door after the fifth of December.   

it has been hard for me to not be snarky about what a bad manager i am and how i only take care of myself.  after she called me a selfish bitch when i asked about her son that day, i don't ask about her or her family. 

this hostile work environment brought back a lot of memories of my last job and how i felt that i had too many knives in my back.  one thing it made me do is......face it.  that is the issue, most of the time you are betrayed by someone, you delete them from your life.  you don't talk to them anymore or see them.  this has been the hardest thing for me, but it has really taught me boundaries with my coworkers.  i knew that she was a snake.  i did what i could, thinking that maybe she would realize that not everyone in the world is out to get her, but she isn't in the place to receive it. 

in my last situation, i felt so helpless, like i had no power.  then i remembered i am the best micro manager around.  she was winning, i was staying away from her and she didn't have to do anything except what she wanted.  when my paradigm shifted, i stopped feeling so defenseless and i took my power back. 

it is amazing how a shift in looking at a situation changes everything

Thursday, November 6, 2014


now my dad thinks that my mother's spirit is in the house and she is trying to kill him for taking her to the nursing home and not letting her die at home. 

he had a dream that he was down the road, ran home, found a garden hose in the yard.  went into the house and found mother, in white, head covered in a white scarf cleaning a closet.  He told her she was dead. she told him that he had killed her.   She went for him and he shot her.  She then turned into a witch with a sickle, which he took from her and killed her.  He woke up scared to death, heart racing, sweating, breathing hard.

he is uneasy because of the dream, believing that she is there at the house.  he believes that she will see to his death so he can be with her.  He thinks that she will make sure that he doesn't have any relationships in the future.  He is scared to fly and drive his motorcycle, she never liked him doing those things.  Her last final act before going to the nursing home was to back the mule (a sort of ATV) at a high speed and run it into the retaining wall.  He now thinks that since the mule is acting up that she is around.

i don't know, we all have our cross to bear.  i think that he is being irrational and i am sure that he thinks that i am irrational with my paranoia of everyone and their agenda.

i don't know if there are ghosts or spirits.  i am really afraid if there are that they are trapped and didn't make the transition to their final destination.  i will probably think that until she shows up at my house.  wow, i really hope she cleans out my closets or at least the floors. 

forgiveness and karma

forgiveness....i can give you a million quotes, but the one that i like best is "i want to forgive you and i want to forget you".

i wish that was as easy as it sounds.  i cant work with someone who has motives against me and wants to hurt me.  my paranoia is high and i think that everyone has an agenda,  this is god making me face my depot situation all over again, except this time i have the power.  i have given someone else the power over me.  i am so tired of the fights and getting nowhere that i dont even go there anymore and she gets to do exactly what she wants to do and i get to wander around trying not to deal with her.  this is going to be a battle and i will win or she will, but i cannot live like this anymore.  my therapist says that i have to be switzerland but i cant, i am the boss and must take control of the situation...hopefully i dont choke her out. 

monday, i went to therapy and on the way home.  i prayed for everyone that had hurt me and i asked god to bless them and heal our hearts from any hurt. i prayed once for a lady who spoke ill of me to whoever would listen, and it really did heal my heart.  then skippy sent me a text telling me that her husband had been on life support and they made the decision to pull the plug.  i thought for a moment that was karma for all of the mean spirited things she did to people, then thought "what a horrible thought"

my therapist says that i am too caught up in the injustices of the world.  she is right.  when something bad would happen, we would say that it was all part of God's plan.  now i dont know, i think bad things happen to good people for no reason.  i think that i am too soft hearted and let it all get to me.  you would think with all of the bad things that happened to me that i wouldnt be so soft hearted, but i still am. 

i think that if you are a good person and treat people right, that good things will happen to you.  i didnt do a thing to those people that wasnt just and right, now they want to write a letter talking about my bad management style.  most of those people, i gave a job to, when no one else would.  this is how i am paid back. i just want to punch them in the gut and tell them they are mean spirited people. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

different generations

i know that it is the job of every generation to think that another generation has it better, i will spare you the walk uphill 6 miles every day in the snow to get to school story

my youngest niece's future just scares the crap out of me.  she is suppose to be doing online schooling (not that i saw her on the computer once while she was here).  her father supposedly made her a deal that she had 2 weeks to pass her GED.  she doesn't have a job, her father bought her a vehicle, pays the insurance, and the gas. 

when i was 16, i had to buy my own car, pay my insurance, pay for maintenance, buy my own gas.  I think that pretty much when i got my first job, the only thing that i didn't pay for was housing and food. 

i just look at her with her nose ring (not the cute little diamond piercing but something that looks as though it would be in a bull's nose), her blue hair, and the fact that she is 17 and doesn't even have a JOB.

my dad asked her what her plans were for the future.  i think the best that she came up was working at a shoe store, which is probably why she only stayed with him half the day. 

i don't understand this whole not going to school thing, if i would've came home and told butch that i didn't want to go to school.  there is no way he would have entertained that idea for a nano second.  i could tell him that i didn't like school, all the way to school, all day while i was at school, and all the way home from school......but i would be in school

do not get me wrong, i didn't have it all figured out at 17, but i was at least doing something other than sitting on my behind.....that's right i was in high school and working

Sunday, October 26, 2014

boundaries and parenting

married life.......hilariously enough today is the first day since we have been married that we have been alone. 

here is my first step mother issue. i never had a good relationship with my mother (not long term), so i am not sure how to advise my step daughter how to deal with her mother.  My long term concern is that her mother is so invasive that syd wont be able to develop healthy boundaries.  I am 42 and i am just now trying to figure out how to do that.  I want her to have a healthy relationship with her mother and not have to pay an arm and a leg for therapy.  This technology age changes everything.  Her mother wants to not only snap chat, facebook, instagram, and tweet with her daughter but her friends and her boyfriend.  I realize that i may be too lax about the dangers of internet and i should monitor her actions on this sit, but i think that she should have some privacy as well.  If someone is always making decisions for her then how will she know how to make decisions for herself. 

I am also concerned that her mother is trying to live her teenage years through her daughter.  the other night we received a text from syd stating that she was done with her mother.  her mother came into her room and was dancing around with some music and syd wanted some privacy.  She told her mother to stop and she didn't, she then told her mother that she was starting to get mad and she needed to leave.  her mother then grounder her from her future functions (yes, i realize i am only getting one side of the story).  now she is ungrounded because she took the block off her mother on her social networking sites. 

the other thing that makes me uncomfortable is her mother texts her boyfriend......a lot.  this is really creepy and syd does not like it neither does the boyfriend, but he is afraid that if he doesn't text with her mother that he wont be able to see syd. 

joe and i made a place for her in our house, i let her paint it however and helped her decorate because i wanted her to have a place that was her own.  i don't go in her room unless i have something for her.  joe says that he has started knocking before he enters to give her space that is just hers.  i don't complain about how her room looks, she is a teenager, i don't live in it, so it isn't my deal.  cleanliness wasn't important to me either at that age and i am not going to spend what time we have together complaining to her about it. 

joe asks for my advice, which is nice, but at the end of the day, i am her stepmother.  as one of my ex's told me once, how is the view from the cheap seats when i was complaining about his child's mother. 

that really puts you in your place quick

Monday, October 20, 2014

the fun of being married

the fun of being married.......combining finances, that is when the romance really starts. 

spending quality time at the social security office can be VERY entertaining....i have figured out that you don't want to be the one that has to go down the hall

the tag office to get your new drivers license, this is ALWAYS a fun endeavor.  I have told the ladies often that they need to have their own reality show.   As i was waiting for my new drivers license, this old lady and the kid with his pants dragging the ground walked as if they were together because the kid was so close to her.....i suppose the lady wasn't walking fast enough.

then there was the lady that had been sitting in chairs by the drivers license area but when the lady asked for the next person she never said anything so i assumed she was waiting, then she just jumped up and went to the counter.  the lady told her that they had to see her hair line (she was wearing a hat) we all looked at each other and said we didn't think you could wear a hat when you had your drivers license made.  the lady just tipped her hat up a little, the lady behind the counter then told her she had to take it all the way off....she didn't seem too happy about that.  i am so thankful that i am not socially awkward, well, not anymore than a normal person. 

my husband still lives in the world of writing checks and using stamps to pay bills.  I understand i was once that way too, but i found the ease of paying bills online.  so very simple and what is even better is automatic withdrawal.  the only way this process could get easier is if i could find someone to actually go to work for me and still give me the money.

anyway, i am an old hand at this, having already changed my name once this year.

i am still scared to death that god wont bless my marriage because i cheated on my husband.  i rewrote my wedding vows to have my marriage be blessed before and after the ceremony.  i was so paranoid because i kept seeing postings on how if God meant for you to be with someone, he wouldn't send you someone else's husband.....i figured that was a sign. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

marriage license and assisted suicide

we went and got our marriage license today, it was weird and i was hoping that it wouldn't end up being really weird by running into Skippy.  My dad filled out a form stating we had four hours of premarital counseling and we only had to pay $5.....awesome.  I think i have had more on the job marital counseling than any one person is meant to.

i like to listen to Dr. Jenn on the radio and last night i was driving home and there were two ladies that had called that both sounded like me over a year ago, picking the wrong men, having the wrong boundaries, accepting inappropriate behavior. 

i was really excited when my therapist told me that i wasn't the same person that i was when i started therapy.  sometimes i wonder if i have done all of the work that i am meant to do, but i know that something will come along and throw me off balance and i will be having a melt down in her office....she probably drinks because of me. 

my nieces are coming Saturday, which is super exciting. 

i still have to figure out what i am doing about the music, get a hold of the chair guy, get pictures of my mom and make a picture of Joe's mom for a memory table.  it is times like this that i miss her, the old her, not the person that cancer made her. 

i read a story the other day about a woman who had moved to another state that had patient assisted suicide, you went to the doctor and you were written a prescription and you are in control of when you die.  Now i am sure there is more to it than that, but this lady had a disease there was no cure for and the death was going to be agonizing.  i often wondered why we let people suffer while waiting to die.  we wouldn't let an animal suffer like that then why would we let our loved ones suffer. 

just a thought

Saturday, October 11, 2014

crazy people and sugar overdose

it looks as though butch is going to try and get sister committed long term and maybe they will be able to finally give her a correct diagnosis

my niece called me last night and sister is in the hospital, so maybe the judicial system works faster than we give it credit for or the local pd is tired of spending their man power on her issues.  It does seem as though she does like to walk around town naked a lot. 

So a little over 30 days ago we decided to get married.  At the time I didn't think that is was such an insane thing to do, plan a wedding in a month, most people take a year. Do you realize the average cost for a wedding is $30,000...have people lost their mind?  I could pay off my credit card and finish school for that.  The only thing left to do is pick up the cupcakes Saturday, finalize catering, finalize with the chair guy, pay for the flowers and catering, make signs, and get the music together.  My bff said that i needed to be a party planner, no i would kill people. The Internet is a game changer, i ordered my girls dresses while my sister was explaining to me her story about the man who had taken her phone.  Realistically, you can plan your entire wedding without ever leaving your bed.  Pinterest, Etsy, and Amazon are the greatest tools in the world.

I did get my wedding dress the other day and cried.  Joe took a picture to send to my bff and dad.  My dad told me it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress.  Really, i have been divorced twice, how much more bad luck can i have?  He told me they were just practice. 

I am super excited and have become one of those couples that i hate. When people said that they were marrying their best friend, i would roll my eyes.  I really struggled with Skippy for him to understand me and where i came from, he wasn't interested.  Joe gets me, we have been friends forever.  We went to the fair the other day and he said the only ride he had to ride was the Himalaya. I thought you have to be kidding me, that is my favorite ride too and i don't think i have ever told anyone that.  I am the only girl that he knows that can quote the movie billy madison, only because we watched it a million times in college. 

Anyway, that is enough sugar, we should all go take an insulin shot. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


today, i am in my "hate people" mode. 

so glad that i am off tomorrow. 

i love how everyone in the world is programmed to say no....i say this as a sweet little girl came to my door to sell me a cup for a local school and all i could think of is... i need more crap in my house like i need a whole in my head.   

i dislike working with dishonest people.  one of my department managers and i got into it one day, so she thought it would be a good idea to find some people who didn't like me and have them sign a letter stating that i had bad management style.  Really, are we in high school?  I guess that didn't take her very far.  I am just to the point that i don't even want to deal with her or even talk to her.  These people who think i am a bad manager continue to come into the store and say hi to me.  I just want to say to them, we both know that you don't like me,so there really is no reason for you to talk to me.  We can be cordial but please do not go out of your way to act as though you want to see me.

then today she wants to tell me that she wanted more day shifts because she doesn't get to spend any time with the ex employee that she was sleeping with while he still worked for her.  I just want to tell her that i don't care.  She doesn't care about me or my personal life, so why should i care for her or hers.  Actually it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. 

unfortunately, life is going to become a little uncomfortable for her....she is going to be held accountable for being a manager.  I am tired or everyone complaining and not wanting to do anything about it, so i just told them the disciplinary order and they were managers, if they chose not to do it, then stop complaining.  I am so sick and tired of the complaining and the people who feel the need to find someone to commiserate with, wasting everyone time until they find this person.  I typed up a two page memo for all managers, we have 12 weeks left in the year and 63k to make up, i need to know how each dept manager plans on making up this deficit.  We also have a deep cleaning list and as luck would have it, there are four.  So, they all get to pick one.  I need these action plans by Thursday.  If they don't have it, i will give them a verbal, then give them another week to come up with one. 

I can play this game until they are terminated.  Then they can all start a "i hate my manager" page and waste their time not mine.

who is in charge of this operation?

so that was Monday

Tuesday i go to lunch and come back to an "emergency" phone call, it is my sister telling me happy birthday.  i told her that she didn't have to say that it was an emergency, she said "yeah, it is".  Somehow she ended up in Tulsa at a crisis center and needed me to pick her up.  okay, but it will be at 6, is this an issue, no.  She gives me the address and i think that i should probably google it before i drive 45 minutes.  Yes, it is legit.

I get to the crisis center thinking that i have no way to prove that i am her sister.  I show the lady my drivers license and tell her that i am here to pick up my sister, not even thinking that she may not be ready to be released.  20 minutes and 2 crazy people later, she comes out wearing nothing but a shirt.  Somewhere in her travels she has managed to get a mesh pair of underwear and a plastic pair of boxers. 

I get her in the car.  She immediately wants a Dr pepper and a cigarette.  We are in the ghetto, she can wait until we get to the east side of town.  We are talking and she seems lucid, she tells me that the shoe is on the other foot because now she wishes she was me. 

I stop to get her cigarettes and dp, off to home we go. 

We get to my house and i give her a pair of yoga pants and house shoes.  The issue is that she has to be in court the next day by 2 for a driving incident (i don't even want to know).  She asks if i can take her, no, i am working.  She wants to know if Rodney can take her, no he has to work too.  It amazes me that none of my siblings work and are oblivious to others that do.  I would be crazy if i sat home all day and did nothing but think of my issues. 

I finally call Butch, he starts to tell me that sister has had an "episode" and he really isn't sure where she is at....."funny, you mention that, she is laying next to me".  He is trying to wrap his brain around how she ended up 2.5 hours away from home.  I tell him that i am not really sure, but somehow she was transported to Tulsa.  I am sure that her home town place is tired of dealing with someone who is combative and uncooperative when she shows up and has now decided to export their crazy people.

It seems that she was found on Monday morning wandering the streets with nothing on but the t shirt (now it makes sense why butch asked me if she had any clothes on).  Evidently she just walked out of her apartment, no keys, no cell phone, and no wallet.  He had no idea that this had happened on Monday instead of Tuesday as she told me. 

Sometime into the evening she starts whispering to me that there is a man that lives above her that has been in all of the armed forces and he has stolen her phone.  Someone she knows is running for chief of an Indian tribe and there is something big going on with the casinos and they are connected to Vegas. 

Okay, now i am thinking that i am stuck in my home with a crazy person.  Joe is at work.  So i do what any normal person would do, i drug her.  She goes right to sleep.  No telling how long it had been since she had slept. 

Butch and my brother show up about 3 hours later (they got lost).  They walk into my front door with a map.  "How retro".  I tell them of my exciting evening with a crazy person and then butch starts to go through her bag of paperwork which is the only thing that she had with her besides the shirt and make shift underwear.  I am not sure if he was able to make heads or tails of it, but he was listed as a person that they were able to release medical information too.

He then asks me if he should just take her back to the crisis center.  "NO, she needs to get home and get back on her medication and someone needs to call her doctor".

Some days i wonder if i am the smartest person running this operation. 

happy birthday to me

what else do people do on their birthday than go to the gynecologist for their annual check up

i wouldn't normally go but my doctor held me hostage by not refilling my birth control until i get my check up and since she seems to think that i need to have a monthly period, well i go

since it was my birthday, i got an extra surprise.....a lump in my left breast....i guess this is what i get for not doing a monthly breast exam, but there is something so weird about feeling yourself up

so i had a mammogram and an ultrasound on Monday, the lump is still there and no one thinks that it is anything to be worried about except now i want it out!!!  I don't even like to have a skin tag, i cut one off with nail clippers one day.  I don't know, i go and see my doctor in a week and a half and now i get to go and see her every four months. 

it was weird the day that my doctor found the lump, Joe was with me, i told my bff and called Rodney.  i just felt as though there was someone else that i needed to tell.  Skippy texted that night with a picture of my ex dog and a caption "momma i miss you".  i almost broke down and told him just because i am so used to having to look outside my relationship for support.  I thought that it was ironic that if i was with Skippy i would've told Joe. 

Skippy then wanted to know how counseling was going (aka how crazy am i today) and to let me know that he was here to talk if i ever needed someone to listen.  Really????  I almost fell for it too, then i remembered how supportive he was when we were married.  No thanks, i am good.  I just told him that i had a good support system, then he was telling me about his dad almost cutting off his finger...yeah, i know, he came into the store. 

i would've called his parents in the past, they were my support system, they were the ones that cheered me on.  i haven't even gone back to school since his dad asked for the check back for my tuition.  that was the worst part of leaving Skippy, but they are his parents and they will always support their baby. 

i was kind of miffed that he came into the store and was telling me about he had to have his dog kenneled while he went to Nevada to see his brother.  i just wanted to slap him.  it must be nice to have parents that will buy you a house.

 yes, i am jealous, he was a sob to me when we were married and i want karma to kick his ass. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

letting people live in my head rent free

wow, it has been awhile since i have posted anything

went to my annual summit meeting.  i went a few days early and saw the sights of Nashville.  of course, i came home sick.  i think my mother left my her sinus issue when she left.  smh.

last year when i went to summit i thought that i would be all better when i got back.  it had been a year since i had fallen into the hole of my depression and i really thought that a year was long enough to get over just about anything.  i was wrong. 

i went and saw my therapist last week, she told me that i was looking good.  we spoke about my misconceptions of my year "get well" strategy.  i told her that i was really nice to not have a lot of drama going on in my life.  i decided to take another semester off of school.  just because i am starting to feel a little better, i don't want to jump in feet first, over schedule myself just to end up where i was before. 

i feel like i have a better support system for the drama.  once, you have hit the very bottom and would be willing to do anything to make the pain go away, it starts to make everything relative to that kind of pain. 

i finally flipped the other day and went off on my dept manager, she has been sleeping with one of the employees and he has since found another job, except he spends all of this time in the store and she accomplishes nothing.  i know it is hypocritical.  so i guess she asked me if i could go home early, i cant hear because of my sinus issues and she went and told everyone i was ignoring her.  it just rubbed me the wrong way and down hill it went from their. supposedly i take 1.5 to 3 hour lunches, call in too much, and only take care of myself.  so i told her that if she felt this way, she should call hr and report it and i would write it all down for her.  i tried to call hr and he wasn't answering, i then asked if she wanted to call my boss and no.  so she went home and took it upon herself to spend her evening calling everyone to ask them if they would sign a piece of paper on my management style.  i am sure she got a few takers.  then next day hr called me and told me i needed to write her up for calling me a selfish bitch, when i told her that i hoped her son felt better.  she signed it and just laughed.  then i am not sure who she called, must have been my boss, and that conversation must not have gone well because she was in a mood for the rest of the day.  i have figured out that people seem to work better when they are mad. they seem to get things done. 

my ex sent me a text the other day that a girl that used to work for me and has caused me a good amount of grief during my campaign had lost her husband and the first thought in my head was, karma.  that is horrible.

i don't know how to not think bad things about people and wish bad things to happen to them.  i try to pray for them and not wish they get run over by a car, but most of the time it doesn't work. 

i just keep telling myself to not let people live in my head rent free

Thursday, July 31, 2014

unfair and invalidating

twenty days ago, i had my boss at my store and i felt like a failure because another manager had to come in and clean up my store....not sure if it helped much, but she did spend a lot of money

i went and got my haircut, came home with such a sense of desperation that i just couldn't stand it

i finally sat in my office and cried, i am not sure if it helped any, but i hate the world a little less these days and have a little more gratitude

i went and saw my therapist with the simple question of "is this my new normal", should i just get used to feeling this way?

i went and saw my psychiatrist and he asked if i felt like killing myself, no, but i understand why people do it.  my only fear would be the people i would leave behind and how it would kill them.  also i still have enough wits about me that if i messed it up, then i would be in a tough spot. 

i will never understand why doctors like certain medications and refuse to change, so i am on a new medication now.  it hasn't even been a week.  the good thing i can say is that i don't feel much like eating, but still want to sleep every chance possible.  i am hoping and praying that by the end of this prescription i have a different attitude and see at least some improvement.  it has been two years, just saying that makes me want to cry. 

i am reading a book about depression and it is called, walking on water when you feel like you are drowning.  it is written by two men, who are pastors, and fell into a depression for two different reasons.  One because he was over scheduled, which i used to be the queen of and super proud of it, and the other because his wife died while giving birth to their child. 

i was telling my therapist about my visit with my RVP and how it sent me into a tailspin, she said it mirrored my experience with my last job which was unfair and invalidating.  It is like a failed relationship that i don't know how to let go of, now i am too scared to give to my new relationship then become shocked when i don't get any recognition.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

bag of nickles

last night i was emotionally exhausted

i was grasping for anything that might hold me together and prove that i wasn't crazy, so i watched this interview with a guy that had written a book about happiness

he was on television with a goofy grin, wearing red chucks, and he was too frigging happy for me and i seriously wanted to reach through the TV and choke him out.  I would've probably been that happy too, if i had made millions selling books on how to be happy and was poised to make a million more just for being on this show

this was his solution

  • spend two minutes everyday thinking of three things that you are grateful for and they must be different things everyday
  • sometime within a 24 hour period, recall a situation that had happened to you that was meaningful and write in depth about it, essentially double dipping on your happiness experience
  • exercise for 15 minutes everyday
  • send a thank you email, note, or praise someone everyday
  • meditate

if you do all of these things for 21 days, you will be happier........smh, where is my bag of nickels. 


i cried out to God for help because i knew of nothing else to do besides stand in front of a bus

i was finally able to sit on the bed and just cry last night
cry for my failed marriage
cry for my failed emotional affair
cry for the relationship that i will never have with my mother
cry for the feeling that i had failed God
cry because of my failed RVP visit
cry because i had failed as a manager
cry because my reputation had been defiled at my previous job, that my character was taken into question and no one came to my aid
cry because i felt such sadness
cry because i have felt such sadness for such a long period of time

Joe held me and cried because i am sure that my heartache was so palpable

i don't think that i had cried that much since i was married, maybe that was why i was able to cry yesterday.  I found a book that i had started and i had used the ticket from the family vacation last year as a bookmark.  It was dated yesterday.  I can remember how much Skippy and i fought during that vacation.  I know his family knew the end was near.  He didn't want to go on this vacation with his family, he didn't want to waste his precious time off, even though his parents had paid for everything and his brother had flown in from Nevada.  I was excited to go, i didn't really get to do stuff like that with my parents and his mom was really starting to suffer from the effects of the Alzheimer's.  I couldn't understand why he didn't want to take this last vacation while his mother still might remember.  Maybe he didn't want to go with me, i remember his brother and i having more fun than him and I did. 

BRF.....i laughed when his brother told Skippy that he suffered from BRF (bitchy resting face); google it, it is hilarious

Friday, July 11, 2014

the bottom

i don't think that i have ever felt such a sense of desperation

i don't even know if that is the correct word, i used to say overwhelmed, exhausted...emotionally and physically.  i used to feel this blackness inside that went to the bottom of my soul, so i started meditating to inhale the light and exhale the darkness.  i used to say my give a crap was broken.  i blamed it on living with a person who was unable to express any sort of kindness or caring.  i blamed it on burn out from a job that i gave everything too and had my reputation ruined and finally was forced to give up the fight and leave.  i blamed it on being raised by two broken people.  living in the past, not the present.  not being able to cry over my mother being dead.  feeling as if i let god down by getting divorced AGAIN.  having an emotional affair with someone whom i loved and broke up with me via email. dealing with ungrateful customers and employee for more years that i care to count. 

i have allowed my spending to go into overdrive.  amazingly enough, my weight is still good, because i don't eat much and i spend most of my time trying not to pass out and dealing with migraines. 

i need to sit and cry for about three days, but when i have the time, i don't have the emotion and when the emotion hits, it is in front of my RVP. 

i feel as though i am going crazy, maybe i have already been there or at least some sort of state of crazy

i used to drink to feel better
i used to eat to feel better
i shop and that sometimes makes me feel better, but now i just feel like a teenager with their first credit card

if i continue to not eat though, i will be forced to shop because none of my clothes will fit

i am great about putting on my make up and going out into the world and looking as if i have it all together and i am not sure if this helps or hurts my sense of desperation. 

lord, i pray that this is my bottom because i cannot do this anymore and i have no clue what to do to make it stop, except cry out to God for help. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

talking points wasted

Saturday i receive an email about season tickets that i held with Skippy, so i sent him a text wanting to know if he wanted to keep the seats, no response.  he just hacks me off with lack of decency to even respond, he could have sent f you and it would have been something.  it is just another reminder of the time i wasted on a relationship with someone who doesn't even respect me enough to answer. 

then i found a paper that i had put talking points on, i am not sure if i gave it to him or if it was something i wanted to use while having a discussion with him.  I am sure that i decided that the energy wasn't worth it and never did anything with it, but it made me upset that i allowed someone to treat me like that. 

this was the contents
*putting up your finger when i talk tells me that i am not your partner...makes me feel as if i am beneath you

*i feel unimportant in public when you talk down to me, ie we were at staples and i was going to pull the cart forward so that you were able to have the cashier scan the second cart of water and you said something abrupt to me and embarrassed me in front of other people

*when we were at best buy, you looked at me and asked why i was standing on top of you.  I thought we had gone to run errands to spend time together.  I felt like i should just sit in the truck.

*it becomes challenging to go anywhere with you because if i take too long (ie sally), stand too close, stand too far away, you complain.  You complain about people driving, it really gives me the blues.  I feel as though I have to struggle to have a good attitude and at times i get really exhausted trying to have a good attitude in the midst of your negative attitude.

*i constantly think every day of things that make you upset and try very hard not to do those things.  I should be thinking of ways to make you happy, not things to not make you angry.

*I know myself well enough to know that it is incredibly difficult for me to be intimate with someone when i have to feel guarded or when i don't feel close to them.  I don't think you realize your abruptness hurts my feelings, but i just get over it.  If i say or do something to hurt your feelings then you don't talk to me and when you do, it is short and crappy.  It reminds me of my mother and i don't want to have a relationship like that.  it makes me feel like how i feel is unimportant.  I feel that you are more concerned over who is right (you) and wrong (me) than about our relationship.  You aren't concerned at all about me or my opinion or even my feelings.  Which is why i just get over it, because it is easier to stuff my feelings down that have you make me feel crappier and give all of my energy to this battle.  This might explain why i am overeating

*when you throw up your hands and walk away, it makes me feel like you are treating me like all of the people you work with,  I am your wife and you are not to call me names, you are to respect me

irritated, locked, and loaded

deep breath

sister actually sent me the stuff for her taxes, only after she sent me about 4 texts telling me what she was sending me.  she then asked me if i still loved her.  i replied yes, but i want her to stop killing herself.  she said that she never looked at it like that and she would be okay. whatever

my niece broke up with her loser boyfriend who always cheats on her, she wants to come and spend time with me, but as usual i have to drive all the way there and back.  then deal with a crappy teenager, sorry, don't have it to give, but i made a commitment and was too much of a wuss to be straight to her and tell her no. 

i saw my therapist today and i am irritated all of the time, at the end of our session she agreed. 

i sent me biological father an email today.  i cried.  it would be easier if he just didn't respond, rejection i totally get.  i am not sure if i can do one more complication in my life, but none of us is getting any younger and it would stink if he died before i had the chance. 

mother died in February, i still haven't written a single thank you note to anyone who sent flowers to people who brought food, sent cards, or anything.  it is just a bag of stuff sitting in my office.  a reminder of things that need to be done, like the tile in the other bathroom.

I literally cleaned out my closet yesterday and i found a phone that had a picture of mother on it before she had her brain radiated to death and she became someone else.  She actually had a smile on her face.  i looked at the picture for a very long time and was still unable to cry that she is gone. 

i don't want to go to work tomorrow.  i am tired of my lazy people and the people whom i stick my neck out for that are just ungrateful.  i really feel as though i should fire about 60% of them and start over.  i guess i will just channel my irritation into coaching my employees, maybe they will just get tired of my crabby self and leave. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014


so my sister calls the other day, supposedly she has all of the stuff together for her taxes and she is going to mail them to me.  I wont hold my breath for that to happen. 

i was at my dad's where syd was swimming and the rest of us were partaking in a drink (ironically).  I told her that she was right, that she really needed to sell her car so that she could live.  I found out that she doesn't have insurance and probably no drivers license since they now suspend your license if you don't have insurance.  I tried to paint a horrible picture of her getting pulled over, thrown in jail, and her car impounded for no insurance.  The proper thing to do would be to sell her car.....she cant find her title.  I am not sure why this surprises me but it does. 

I then call butch to tell him the plan, he agrees, but she is almost 50 and he cant make her do anything. 

This all makes me thankful that i am not on the frontline and for the invention of caller id.  I am thinking that the tough love approach about the car might make her rethink asking if she can move in.  Oh well, i didn't give birth to her and it isn't my responsibility to make sure she does adult things. 

panic attacks and cavemen

friday morning i thought i was dying, i got into the shower and immediately had an intense pain from the top of my esophagus to underside of my right rib cage.  I figured out it was either a esophageal spasm or a panic attack.  It was first thing in the morning and i was taking a shower, i had barely been out of bed.....what is there to panic about?????  Anyway i have to make an appointment with dr ford.  At least i wasn't having heart attack, which is what i thought was happening. 

I having come to a spiritual cross road and i found out that my preacher is leaving our church.  Somehow i have become spiritually OCD and this has caused me even more anxiety.  I feel as if i go to church every sunday, tithe, read my bible, and don't think bad things about people then i will be in God's favor.  It is kind of like being married to skippy, if i do everything just right, he wont complain and good things will happen. 

I am reading this book called untethered soul and it about the constant chatter that goes on in our mind.  I am telling my dad about it and he just looks at me like i have grown a third head.  He says, men don't work like that, which is why we can fish for hours.  We have compartmentalized thoughts, they are kept in a box, they are labeled, and they must never touch because we never use more than one box at a time.  He is the one that needs a blog.  I love it.  This got me to thinking about multitasking, which every woman does.  I am multitasked out, i have done it for too long, and the older i get the worse that i become at it, besides studies show that people who multi task don't do either task particularly well.  Perfect example, i am driving home from work the other day, a guy in front of me sees a cop coming from the other direction and practically stops in the middle of the road.  I honk, then he gets to the next intersection and wants to stop at the green light, i honk again.  He gets into the right lane and when we get to the next intersection i look over and he is leaned against the drivers side door talking on his phone.  He is not a multitasker either.  The difference is, i know this about myself . 

The constant chatter in our head conversation then led to talk of the caveman days, where all the men had to do was go out, kill and not be killed, and recreate, which is why they don't multitask.  Women had to cook, clean, and make sure the kids didn't get eaten.  Which is why our brains are wired to immediately assess situations and detect the threat or now point out the negative.  This is why men always want to have sex and women are looking for a better provider because their current provider may not come home one day because he became someone else's dinner. 

I woke up night before last and was having problems going back to sleep.  I found a youtube post on meditation and listened.  First of all, it is incredibly difficult to meditate when you own a gaggle of animals.  I put in my ear buds, learned to breath in and out and realized that i am and have been wearing a corset of armour.  This has been developed through years of dysfunctional relationships, the issue with this is that it keeps me safe, but it allows none of the bad stuff to get out.  I have been going to therapy for a year and i still feel as if i have this black, negative junk in my soul, in the middle of my being.  It is like a file cabinet, i pull out an issue, deal with it, throw it away, or file it back for another day.  I told my therapist, i feel as though i have the clown car of issues.....they just keep coming.  I am going to have to find a way to unlock this corset of armour in order to really deal with what is left.

Okay, so now the goal is to stop the chatter, stop feeling as if i have to be the PERFECT christian, and either find a new church or find a way to go to church without feeling bad. 

Monday, June 16, 2014


my sister sent me a text yesterday that the sky was falling

i usually don't call until i am ready to deal, but then the anxiety of what has happened next usually is worse than the actual phone call.  I think that she has been trying to prep me to move in with me....i guess she could stay in the building but i don't have it to give.  She is a drowning person who has run out of people to pull down with her. 

I called her and she was concerned about the past tax returns that she hadn't filed.  This becomes an issue about twice a year, for the past three years.  She wanted to come to my house, bring her papers, and lay them all out on my floor.  First of all, I would have to go and get her and take her back, which is about 6 hours times 2.  I don't have it to give.  I don't have the money and this is not how i want to spend my spare time.  It is like the people who want you to fix their problems and the people that just want to complain about it.  I sometimes think that she has a moment of clarity, realizes that she is almost 50, and then calls her little sister to help her do the adult thing.  OU had sent her a letter stating that she owed them money and were going to sue her.  I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but she is insolvent, she doesn't own anything.  She said that she was going to sell her car.  Why, because she couldn't afford it.  I told her that was a not good idea because she would need it to find work.  I don't know why i say these things because she wont find a job.  Having a job would interfere with her drinking and when you are an alcoholic, drinking is your job.  I should have told her that selling her car was a great idea because at least that would ensure there was one less drunk, driving on our roads. 

I dislike my sister because i idolized her when i was a kid.  She was beautiful, she was thin, she was a cheerleader and popular and it all came so easy to her.  I was heavier, fought my weight my entire life.  I was barely coordinated enough to drive a standard.  I was unsure about everything.  I wasn't liked by people because i was the mean girl.  Now she tells me how jealous she is of me, how she envies me.  Unfortunately, i didn't have someone else to take care of me, i had to take care of myself.  Now, you expect us all to stop what we are doing and be your puppets.  It is sad what over a decade of drinking and smoking can do to a person and their looks, we are no longer mesmerized by the facade.  Butch takes all of her crap because he is motivated by guilt.  I should have happy nieces and a big sister that I can rely on, not one that i must take care of and watch her kill herself. 

I feel as though I am watching my childhood be repeated by my nieces, two broken people who had zero business having children.  I just hope they don't wait until they turn 40 to get help after a string of broken relationships. 

God and religion

so, i have taken a step back to assess my relationship with god and what i think religion is

i talk to god all of the time, this is part of the voice in my head which i cant get to shut up, it goes something like this

"oh dear, why would someone wear something like that, don't they feel a breeze....i could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that" then getting someone else to look at it, because mean girls like to share their snarkiness.

"please god, forgive me for thinking bad things of other people.  Please help heal that poor girls heart from whatever it is that makes her eat more than she should"

This is my version of religion, If i go to church, tithe, read my bible, pray, and be a good little girl, i will be in God's favor.  If i don't then i will face the wrath.  These two thoughts don't even support the way that i feel about God.  I feel as though he is a good God.  No, i cannot explain why bad things happen, i don't know. 

These are one of the voices in my head that i cannot get to go away and it is only causing me more anxiety.  I don't think that religion should cause you more grief and anxiety than peace. 

i am sure that i still feel that i have disappointed God getting divorced.....again.  I feel so embarrassed when i say "ex husband" and have to clarify 1 or 2.  I can hear the line from steel magnolias "i managed to find and marry 2 of the most worthless men on earth". 

i suppose on most days i feel like wheezer from steel magnolias.  I suppose i don't know how to be happy, i feel as though life has beat me down.  I don't know if i am to believe the me that puts on the happy mask and goes out into the world or the me that comes home and wants to cry and sleep. 


today was a good day, i went to therapy.  I hadn't been in a month.  I had to cancel last time because of work drama, which i will never do again because i spent 5 hours on my day off and nothing happened. 

I have been feeling lots of anxiety lately.  I have been blaming it on the voices in my head THAT NEVER SHUT UP!  I have been reading a book called the untethered soul, which addresses the voices and some people use them to not live their life.  It is a defense mechanism, i get this.  Now i would like them to shut up.

I knew that my fear had been that my father was starting to get rid of stuff at the house, i thought he was trying to lighten his load so that he could leave.  My fear is that the one person who has been that has really been there for me was going to leave me.  I finally put voice to that fear today and i was able to cry, which i have been needing to do for the past two weeks.  I called him when i got out of therapy and told him of my fear, he said that he wasn't going to leave me.  I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  I could breathe. 

I told my therapist that i didn't know what to do with this mounting anxiety.  She said that i was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  No, this is different, i know that feeling, it is a sense of foreboding that usually comes true. I know what pain and chaos feel like, that i can handle, a sense of normalcy, this i am not used to.  She asked me if it had something to do with my relationship and if it was going like i thought a good relationship would.  I had never thought about what a good relationship was like never the less that i would be a part of such a relationship.  In fact that is what made me stay with Skippy for so long.  I thought that i had been in crappy relationships my entire life, why leave the one i was in to get into another one, at least i knew what was wrong with this one.  Until, i couldn't breathe anymore.  Until, someone hugged me and i realized how lonely i had been for so long. Then i couldn't stay. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

pitty party

 "I had an Aunt who always told me that when things aren't going good.....bake a cake and have a REAL pity party. Lick your wounds, eat cake but you only get one hour to feel sorry for yourself. Blow out the candles and move on."

I love my Aunt Dani, this was her advise to my last post.  I think that i am finally over the eating cake all of the time thing, but it is time to blow out the candles. 

It is no longer my responsibility to fix the problems of the world.  I have a fence that needs repaired.  A washer that wants to overflow, tile that needs to be put up in the bathroom, and dogs who need to learn that they don't have to eat everything. I have renamed Samson "grub" after a guy we went to high school with that ate everything, no wonder that dog has worms.  Paisely has received a middle name so that i might actually get her attention. 

I am scared that the one solid person in my life is going to sell everything and move, this makes me sad and scared.  I am an adult and going home in no longer an option.  I have made it this far on my own, but i always had the safety net of my parents.  Rodney leaving would really take away some of my security.

My sister has fallen off the wagon. I had to call Butch.  He knows that i have been going to therapy but i have always danced around the reason why.  I was ranting about how we all had a shitty childhood and we had to get over it.  He asked me if i had a shitty childhood.  Lord knows that i didn't want to kick a man while he was down, but i couldn't lie.  I said yes, he wanted to know why.  I was raised by two broken people who had zero business having children.  He couldn't disagree. 

I actually really felt like i was their trophy, who got me was the winner of that marriage/divorce.  Once the prize was won, i was put on a shelf and forgotten.  Butch was too busy trying to screw every chic he could find to prove he wasn't the acne nerd that he was in high school and mother was too busy trying to prove to her father that she wasn't a failure. 

Aunt Dani is right, blow out the candles on that one. 

Monday, May 26, 2014

feeling superior and irritated

today i posted on facebook about being the original mean girl, that i judge people, and if someone starts tearing someone apart, I want to be a ring leader. I can say things that will cut to the core.  Yes, pray to god for help, because i know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this treatment, but sometimes I just don't care.  If I am lucky I will catch myself and stop talking but it has been such a habit for so long to cover my self esteem, sometimes I don't want to stop. I need prayers, advice, someone to smack me, but I hate this about myself.

You would have thought by the answers that I received that I was going to jump off the bridge.  I did appreciate all of the kind words. My dad told me that he would like me to stop putting yourself down before the world on facebook.

I thought that i was just putting out there what most people were guilty of, at times tearing someone else down makes us feel superior.  It is the amount of venom that i do this that makes me worried.  I wonder why i feel the need to do this with such a force.  I dislike the fact that my mind immediately goes to the negative.

i suppose i will save this topic for my therapist

my irritation level has been on overdrive

i dropped out of school for the summer semester and i just feel like such a failure because i was going to be done by december 2015.  This is the only thing that makes me regret getting divorced. I was going to try to stay in my marriage until i graduated, but i am sure that i am in a much better place without that stress.  I wonder at times if i am actually out of my depression anymore.  I watched a ted talk from a guy that worked for the California highway patrol and was responsible for responding to people who were trying to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  One of the things that he talked about depression was that people sleep, which is what i want to do all of the time.

I feel as though i have been in therapy forever and i have brought all of  the issues to the surface to only become one huge nerve.......that is constantly irritated.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

the wicked witch keeps bombarding me with her monkeys of evil thoughts

today has been a battle of negative thinking

i woke up with a migraine and an upset stomach.  we went and got breakfast but i just couldn't stand the floors anymore so i started cleaning.  one of the dogs got hold of a piece of trim and chewed it to pieces, so there were remnants of that on the floor, the dogs had taken a poop in a few places and there was dog hair all over the place.  it just generally stunk and reminded me of the way that i felt. 

i cannot get rid of this feeling of foreboding that something bad is going to happen.  i have gone from feeling of being grateful to just a feeling of ugliness.  I want to get people before they get me, i want to just tear someone apart.  It is almost as if i have gone from wanting to punish myself to punishing other people.  I am a huge stress ball. 

My aunt sent me a message the other night, my sister didn't go to my nieces graduation because "she didn't want her friends to see her cause she looks fat".  Well, if i felt that way i would never leave the house.  That is another thing that has gone out of eating.  I felt bad because i know that she depending on me to come but i am just so exhausted.  Maybe it would have made me feel better to help someone else, but probably would have just made me feel more drained.  I can judge her all day, but like i told my aunt, she is an adult and if she wants to kill herself by drinking then that is her choice to make.  The real casualties is the girls.  I feel as though Chloe is looking for a man to save her, she will pick one like her father, because that is what we do.  That will be filled with heartache. 

Sophia is too much like me and her life will be filled with anguish, she will spend much of it wondering why her parents even had children.  She wants to have a baby so bad, she just wants someone to love and to love her back. 

Even in her own anguish she is able to look beyond herself and be here for her aunt.  "you need to calm down and breath and try not to stress over things because everything will work its self out.  you're pushing yourself back into depression and that's not good for you.  you gotta slow down and take a deep breath." were her words of wisdom. 

conundrum of negative thinking

when having a toxic thought, use this litmus test

-true: consistent with fact or reality
-honest: not deceptive or fradulent;genuine
-just:  based on fact or sound reason
-pure: free of dirt, defilement, or pollution
-lovely: having beauty that appeals to the emotions as well as to the eye
-good report: a positive account of the proceedings or transactions
-excellent:of the highest of finest quality, exceptionally good
-praiseworthy: deserving of praise,  commendable

remember thoughts come in three time frames
1. past thoughts-memory
2. present thoughts- current situation
3. future thoughts- dreams

i am having real issues with negative thinking lately.  My anxiety is rising and my irritability is on overdrive, even my hair is bothering me.

i have let my spending get out of control and i am going to drop out of the summer semester because i don't have it to give to pay that much attention to squeeze a 16 week course into 8 weeks.  I didn't really understand cost accounting the first time i am not sure i can understand it the second time even though my professor likes me and says that it is easier than cost 1.  I an going to email her and see what she thinks.  My instructor for intermediate accounting told me it was going to take 20 hours a week for the course,  so i couldn't help but become overwhelmed and drop the class, especially when she started sending me emails two weeks before class even started but i guess i should be grateful because at least this way it doesnt cost me money that i dont have.

i was hoping that the insurance money from the roof would pay for the roof, the new building, and allow me to get my credit card under control.  I just used that as an excuse to spend.  I have to find a way to get more centered and balanced so i cant stop being to one extreme or another. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

between a bucket list and a resolution

about nine years ago, i made a list of things that i wanted to do.  kind of a cross between a bucket list and a new years resolution

the list contained things like walk in high heels....i probably should have specified on that one.  I can do it, just not very well.  I would like to do it SJP style. 

ride a roller coaster...finally did that last year

get a tattoo....checked that one off on Friday and yes it did hurt.  People who describe it as if someone is scraping your skin off are right.  I suppose you either go big or you go home.  I decided to get them on my feet, which according to EVERYONE is one of the worst places to get a tattoo. 

Photo: Sophie Gabrielle, here you go

I feel as though if you are going to put something on your body and it is going to be permanent then it should really speak to you.  This is my reminder to walk with God daily, to keep my ears, eyes, and heart open to his purpose for my life. 

I unfortunately feel the need to judge people, it makes me feel better about myself.  No one does it better than me, i am the original mean girl.  You have a paper tag on your car, i am checking the date and if it way overdue then i feel superior because my tag is in date.  You look like you just rolled out of bed?   I got up and was able to do something with my hair and put on make up, so i must be better than you.  It is especially difficult when other people want to bash on someone. Man, i want to be the ring leader.  I am now trying to operate from a place of being grateful, grateful that i have the money to keep my tag current (in fact, i don't even look at paper tags anymore.....if i can help it).  I am grateful that my depression is at a manageable state that i care about how i leave the house, others may still be stuck in that ditch.  I try to say a silent prayer for me and my judgement and for the other person and their struggle. 

My therapist told me a long time ago that i needed to take a yoga.  I am really thinking that she is right, i am really feeling off center and i have a very hard time just being in the moment.  I have come to the conclusion that i don't multi task very well and i need to learn to just be still.  I really think that my overall spirit would benefit from it, so while working on being the grateful girl, i will also work on being the still girl. 

Giving it to God

Rodney left for Wyoming on Monday.  he called me about 12 hours into his trip and told me that he missed me, he missed the dogs, and he missed the house.  I asked him if this finally got him over his "sell everything, buy an airstream trailer, smash his phone, and just run away" talk that i have gotten for i don't know how long.  He said no, just that he would take the dogs with him.  I have the latest addition to the Brook family at my house, bob and max are at the other house where his tenants let them and out and make sure they are fed.  Clifford (yes, he is a big almost red dog) whom we found at IHOP is staying with me....there is not lagoon for him to go swimming in and get into trouble.  Saturday he did this, Rodney was mad, had to get him to go swimming in the pond, tried to dry him with a towel (which didn't work) so he said that he was getting rid of the dog and he was at the airport trying to calm down.  I guess it is a quaint little town that we live in. 

My therapist thought that i made a huge breakthrough.  I no longer worry about people leaving me, i am afraid that they will stay and make me miserable.  She told me that was a good shift but i needed to find somewhere in the middle and realize that it is my choice as to who i have in my life.  I think all of the things that have happened this year that i have had to handle myself that i am able to rely on my own strength.  It has given me more faith in my ability and i don't really think that i am scared of much anymore.  I have tried to walk in my faith more and just give it to God.  I don't like to operate in a mode of fear, i don't make good decisions. 

I am still neutral about whether i should go to school this summer.  It is just really hard when i am taking senior level classes in an 8 week period.  I think i will just drop this summer and try again in the fall.  I really need to get the roof taken care of, the building in the backyard.  Stop my financial bleeding and pay off my credit card.  I am hoping that i will have enough insurance money left over to do that.  I am really hoping that my dad will help with school in the fall because i do not want to have to take out loans.  I suppose it is like i said, Give it to God. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

maxing out my worry card

I am trying to wrap my head around this half brother thing.  I know that we must be related because he is random like i am.  He sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay for mothers day.  I went on some deep thought about why our parents bothered having children since they were broken individuals with no capacity of caring for someone other than themselves.  "Dummy cause for 30 seconds or so it felt really good" was his response.  Yep, we are related. 

I don't really watch the news.  I find it very depressing and it just makes my GAD (general anxiety disorder) worse.  It is spring, i live in tornado alley, there are tornadoes.  I have lived here since i was five and my adoptive father never saw the need to panic over them (and we lived in a trailer house, the worst place you can be), so i don't really panic.  Honestly, i usually sleep right through the storm.  I don't track the radar and i cant tell you the difference between a warning and a watch. 

Skippy once thought it would a good idea to buy weather radios for everyone in the family.  You can program those things for everything, even amber alerts (which i think that he did).  He thought it would be neat to put it in the bedroom, on the highest setting.  Are you kidding me?  I finally told him that the next time that thing woke me up out of a dead sleep for a frost warning, it was going to end up in the back yard. 

Anyway, my brother sent me a text the other day after a huge amount of tornadoes went through a nearby state and told me that he would keep his earthquakes and fires.  I told him that he was being a wuss, earthquakes and fires effect everyone.  Tornadoes are able to jump, so they may destroy your neighbors house, but yours could be just fine.  Like anyone else that hasn't dealt with storms their whole life he didn't see the mystic. 

I had an ex that my blase attitude just killed, he swore that when i am almost in a tornado that i would stop acting like it was no big deal.  All i know is that i have lost enough sleep over worrying about things that could or could not happen.  I think that i have maxed out my worry card. 


I had a lady come in yesterday and she was commenting on my recent divorce and she said that she too had just gotten divorced.  She said that she wished that all of the times that someone she knew was getting divorced that she would have reached out and supported them more.  She commented on how hard that it was. I felt bad later, thinking that i should have reached out to her, that was her request for help and i didn't.  I guess that i have always stayed in a marriage until there were no more alternatives and i had given all that i could give that i just took the lessons that i learned and moved on.  It is also probably helpful that this is my second divorce and both times i really had no other choice. 

I had someone ask me today why we got divorced and i usually would have said that it was because we never consummated our marriage, but i decided that there was no need to bring that into the equation.  I realized that it has only been four months (feels like a lifetime) but i had difficulties talking about what our issues were.  I finally settled on that my husband was unable to support my needs.  You think that would be so easy to fix.  You cant make someone give you what they don't have.  I thought that i had been so smart during our courtship, we discussed financial issues, we made plans for the future.  I just ended up feeling punked when we were unable to have a family, then the communication broke down and i felt like a nagging wife.  I suppose that i will never understand why my ex refused to allow me to help him.  I do know that now, i have a need to feel helpful to my partner.  I suppose that is why i always wanted a partnership. 

I took from my first marriage to always pick your battles.  My second marriage has taught me to be fiercely protective of relationships and not allow other people in, don't talk about your issues, and don't devalue your man in someone else's eyes. 

recognizing the defining moment

Not a huge bradgelina fan, but I love the fact that in the defining moment of their relationship he realized that he had the power to change the inertia of their relationship. Most people aren't this observant.
Wise words. Brad Pitt about his Lady:

"My girl got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constan...tly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get separated soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the MOST Beautiful Woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it."

-Brad Pitt

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Letting go of the narcissism

never say never.

when i ran for office, i swore that i would never go to another pie auction.....what did i get to do tonight?  go to a pie auction and campaign, kinda.  I didnt mind going, it was just all of the feelings that it brought back.  the feelings of unforgiveness.  i had one girl who worked for me and she said horrible things about me and was just hateful.  i still resent her for that and today i realized that i just need to let it go.  there is no need to rehash old things.  i am in a much better place then i would have been if i had won, it would have been Office Depot all over again.  hoping for someone to pull the knife out of my back.

today and yesterday were odd.  chester sent me a text last week with a picture of the dog he took when he left, saying that he missed him momma and was going to come and see me next week.  he came in yesterday and bought two bags of dog food then tried to call me last night.  i didnt hear the phone ring.  i sent him a text and asked if he was bringing the dog in today, that i had made an appointment for him and had Buckley all set up in the computer under his name.  he said yes, he came in and showed me the dog, took him to grooming, asked a few questions about treats and left.  then came back about the same time i was going to lunch with my man.  i walked out and held his hand as we left.  he said that made him feel very special because his ex would never have done that.  my thought process being that i am divorced and if you have to hide something then you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.  the thought then dawned on me that i am sure chester is happier without me as i am happier without him.

yesterday when he came in one of my employees wanted to know if she could hit him up for $100, i told her she wasn't young enough.  later, i said that maybe that was what tripped his trigger because it was obvious that i didn't do it for him.  i have finally gotten to the point that doesn't make me feel less than because of it.  i learned a lot during that marriage and i too think that i got involved for my own selfish reasons.  i wanted to feel important and chester sure did make himself seem important.  i also know that you cannot expect people to treat you differently than they treat other people.  you can expect some slight variation but not much, if he is rude to people in his life, he will be rude to you as well.

oh dear, let us pray that i am finally over the narcissist.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

putting on my big girl panties

I worked through my Chester issue. 

I was upset because once again i picked butch.  I thought that i had chosen better, but the chasing after a younger woman, the whole making sex such a dirty thing with the naked pictures reminded me of butch when i was growing up. 

Once again it makes me unsure of myself when making decisions. 

I did finally enroll for school, not sure how i will pay for it, but i have released that to God. 

I have been so grateful lately.  My roof was probably about 2 years overdue for a replacement.  We had a hail storm and the insurance guy came out, totalled my roof and the building out back.  I am hoping that i will get the check soon so that the new roof will be put on. 

I have also refinanced my house.  I am suppose to close on that tomorrow as well.  I am just going to give it to God that i have the money to cover the closing costs. 

I would have never imagined that i would be doing all of this alone, but at almost 42.  I think that it is time that i put on my big girl panties. 

I have stopped beating myself up for yet another failed marriage.  I prayed to God for forgiveness.  My therapist told me to forgive myself.  I think the story of Chester snapped me back to the reality of that isn't the type of person that i want to spend my life with, which was the reason why i left in the first place.  He was making me into someone i didn't like.  I will take responsibility of the mistakes that i made during the marriage.  I learned during my first marriage to pick your battles.  I think Chester taught me how important partnership is and to not let anyone else in your marriage. 

I have been spending more time with God and his word, which has really help keep me more centered. 

I still eat horribly, which between that and my medication makes me tired. 

My other half is having financial issues and i was starting to take on those issues, they are short term, but i have realized that they aren't my issues to fix.  I am proud of myself for having some healthy boundaries.  I take time for myself when i need it and he is caring enough to give it to me. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

my half brother

Today was tough. I was already crying before I made it to my therapist.
I finally got ahold of butch (I am glad to know that my personal issues were a priority to his wife) and asked him to contact my half brother to inform him mother had died. I don't think that I could've gotten through it without a break down and if he rejected me then I would really lose it.  He said that he would do it, so we will see.


we have officially changed Skippy's name to Chester

one day my significant other, my dad, and i were sitting at a restaurant and this girl walks by.  one of the guys said "i thought that was a little kid".  i said no, that is so and so. 

yesterday i hear that Chester went to eat at this restaurant and left a tip, sent her a text about the size of the tip and she remarked that she didn't get any of the tip because the table actually belonged to someone else.  So, he delivered her an envelope with a hundred dollars in it so that she could buy what she wanted for the holidays.  she then proceeds to tell a story of how she sent him a naked picture. 

i was so stinking embarrassed, then i just wanted to throw up because i cannot believe that i was married to and once loved someone like that.

this morning i was still obsessing over it.  i wanted to send him a text and tell him that she is pregnant and living with her boyfriend and will just take advantage of him.  i then just finally decided to let it go, because there is nothing i can say or do that will stop him from either being used or making a fool out of himself.  the best part was my significant other pointed out that it was probably my money that he used to pay her for her naked picture. 

i have come to the conclusion that i obviously wasn't the one to trip his trigger, maybe he is into chics who look like children

it must be nice to have rich parents who probably bought your house, furniture, and anything else because some evil woman left you. 

i have been trying to become more centered, since i haven't found a church to go to (not that i have been looking), i have been downloading sermons.  today, i listened to one that must have been recorded during the holidays.  the preacher asked that everyone do something different for the holidays, either start doing something you had stopped or stop doing something that you started.  i am sure that leaving my husband wasn't what he had in mind and maybe one day i will stop beating myself up about it. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

my give a crap is broken

I went and saw my shrink last week.  I have become easily irritated about everything....well, i say that, it seems that way only when i am at work.  I keep dragging my feet about school because i am not really sure how i am going to pay for it.  I already have a balance on my credit card and i keep charging like there is no tomorrow.  Oh well, cant take it with you. 
We had a hail storm the other night.  Joe's truck has some hail damage and my roof took a beating.  Now i have a claim and i am worried that my insurance will go up and in the end i will just get screwed.  What is it that they say, expect the worst and hope for the best.  This would pretty much sum up my attitude these days.
I have to go out of town may 1st....take my assistant and grooming salon manager.  I have a feeling that my GSM is not going to be able to go, but this doesn't surprise me because she has kids and they are her priority as well as they should be.  My boss wont understand and he will tell me to get rid of her.  Sure, i have a line of people standing waiting to take her position.  Groomers are crazy.  I manage to have two sane ones that do a good job grooming, they are the only two that i have and i don't see any more on the horizon.  That is okay, he will come and see me this week to show me how to sell a dog training class...cant wait.  I am pretty close to telling him where to stick my keys. 
I am sorry my give a crap is broken. 
I guess it is a good thing that my therapist appointment is tomorrow.  I have been really surprised by the fact that my insurance has done a good job of paying for everything.  I am shocked that they haven't deemed me as an existing condition. 
I know what part of my issue is, it is that i have worked in a profession since i was 16 that in order to make others happy you have to wear that mask and i wear it well.  I have worn it for so long i have no clue who i am or what I really want. 
My bff and i went to see Joseph and the technicolor something or other and on the way home, she was talking about her new step mom and how she makes everything about her.  She takes the blame for situations that go badly.  I told her that i didn't think that she was trying to make it all about her, it was her generation, where women looked good and tried to make everyone happy and if it didn't go that way then somehow it was their fault.  I am afflicted with that by some degree, so much so, that my give a crap broke. 
I think someone could come in and tell me that a bus full of nuns drove off a cliff and i would laugh hysterically, pray to god for me not to go to hell, and then go on with my life. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

When will I learn?

So I walked right into the trap Tuesday

Skippy came by with the state taxes for me to sign.  I was trying to be nice and ask him if he wanted the pots and pans that he left. He then pulls out his phone and starts ignoring me. I walk away. He gets done, then says to me that he didn't hear a word I had said. I should have just said never mind. I don't, I repeat myself. "What do mean by pots and pans" was his reply. Pots and pans I say. "Cast iron", no, just basic Teflon pots and pans. He then tells me that he would have to see them. He finally left to tend to his important business.

I became so upset because it brought back all the times that he made me feel unimportant and felt the need to put me in my place. I then became upset because I participated in his little reindeer game.

One of the adoption partners is having a garage sale. Anything left will be donated. I don't need or deserve the aggravation and he obviously doesn't need the pans.

Friday, March 14, 2014


well today kind of stunk.  i think that my mother dying is starting to catch up with my father.  he sent me a text today wanting to know if i was okay because i had been quiet the last few days. 

I told him that i had been really tired, my monthly visitor has really taken it out of me this month and i keep getting headaches.  i was hoping that my glasses would be in today, but i forgot to call until after they were closed.  i forgot they close at noon on Fridays...wish i could close at noon. 

he is wanting to start listing the stuff that he doesn't use on a local website to see if we can sell it.  i told him that i could help him on Sunday. 

i think that mother's death is starting to catch up with both of us. i always wondered if i would feel differently when she was gone, if i would have wished that i would have tried harder to have a relationship, but then i just shake my head and know that it would have been like asking her to grow a third arm, she just wasn't capable.  This makes me sad.  It also makes me sad that she had it to give to everyone else but not to my dad and I.  I wont ever understand it and her talking about her "walls" just made me think that i needed to be cool and have them too. It might have been more helpful to learn about boundaries and know when and where they are useful.  It was always all or nothing with her and i have to the same extent been the same way.  I am sure that was what my breakdown was about two years ago, learning that i cant do everything and i cant be everything to everyone. 

it is sad, i have only been at work for two days and i am ready for Sunday and Monday to get here so i can take the day off. 

i should start playing the lottery more.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

being right and being alone

today was my first day back at work since Friday.  my head started to hurt midday. i am really hoping that my glasses are ready tomorrow.  i was really thinking that they would be ready today.

i paid the rest of my bills for the month and except for my credit card having a balance, i am pretty proud of myself and i am starting to get a rhythm going.  i still have some money in savings but not enough.  i need to get my direct deposit filled out and start putting away money for an emergency fund.  i may not be able to go back to school this summer.  i don't know.  the good news is that i will have extra money to pay down on my credit card bill next month, maybe i need to put some against my credit card and some in savings. i am concerned about how much my therapy is going to cost me but i really cant afford to not go.  i am starting to have some issues over my mother.

my uncle found the phone number for the child that my mother had before me.  i haven't seen him since before her and butch were divorced and i know the longer that i wait to call him the worse that it will be.  i just don't have a clue what to say....hi, this is your sister and your mother is dead, but don't worry, the amount of money that you spent on therapy has to be way less than what i have had to spend and she was part of my life...kind of. 

yesterday morning i made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and i thought that my mother and i used to have those for breakfast when i came home for the weekend.  when i became an adult our relationship was better but then i married Skippy and by that time the cancer had already taken its toll on her, she had become mean.  i don't know if it was because she was mad that she had cancer or if she just hated everyone.  once she told Skippy that she didn't think that he liked her, his response was that she was the best mother in law that he ever had.  i know, his smart alec responses hurt my feelings more than one occasion as well. 

today one of my department managers told me that her boyfriend told her that they weren't having sex because she had gained weight.  She is by no means fat, she has a little stomach, but at least she doesn't look anorexic like she did when i first met her.  Skippy and I never had sex which took it's toll on my self esteem but at least he didn't tell me that it was because i was fat.....of course not, because that would be actually talking about the problem, which he never wanted to do, because he was always right. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Divorces and derailed plans

I have spent the last 6 months or so having headaches.  Which usually would give anxiety that I had brain tumors like my mother, but I have had a few things going on. 

I once heard an interview with a lady that mother died when she was young.  She counted every year until she reached the same age that her mother died.  Her aunt even called her on the day she reached the exact age and told her to be careful.

I stopped wearing my glasses and went to the eye doctor. .. sure enough my prescription changed.

I was all nervous about how much my new insurance would cover.  I had anxiety that my insurance wouldn't be as good as skippy's.  I walked out with brand name eye glasses, brand name sunglasses, eye exam... All for a little over $220. I was blown away.  I think I paid more with skippy's insurance.  I know he paid a whole heck of a lot more a month to carry me than I pay for just myself.

Every step in a new adventure. I start therapy again next week. I won't be able to afford to go every week but I think every other week should be good.  I also have to enroll for summer school soon. My hiatus is almost over.  I am not sure that I am ready but I don't want another divorce to derail my plans.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

how to live and die

the other day it dawned on me that i no longer had to dread April or may.  i don't have to find a birthday present or a mothers day present.  two less opportunities to disappoint my mother or more likely see the disappointment in her face/voice.

my dad sends me a text the other night "the house is deathly quiet.  It has just struck me that besides you, I am really alone for the first time in my life.  Nearly 60 years with people and now I'm alone in life.....i know, i may leave you.  This frightens me very much. I'm scared to death."

what frightens me is that i may leave him first.  my mother was first diagnosed with cancer when she was 50.  I will turn 42 this year.  I know one thing that if i am ever diagnosed with cancer, i think that i will sell everything, pack up my animals and blow this popsicle stand.  My mother having cancer taught me more than it ever taught her.  I just think of how hard she worked her entire life trying to prove to herself that she was good enough, then she spent her retirement dying, cleaning house, and pulling weeds.  I don't want to live or die like that. 

I don't know what the rest of my life holds for me, but for once i am excited.  I have taken more vacation days this year than i took all of last year. I go to work late and leave early.  I don't feel as though i have anything to prove to anyone.  I am exhausted trying to prove to people that i am good enough. 

I love the fact that for once in my life i have a true partner and a family and i am starting to build some boundaries.