Friday, June 29, 2012

out of the box

i lost an election, i dont have cancer

i know people mean well, but it amazes me to see people struggle with what to say to me.....the day after especially

i received a little over 2k votes, that was 1/3 of the total votes overall

i sincerly believe that everything happens for a reason and i was not meant to have that job, at least not at this time.  Do i think i will put myself out there again, not sure, but keeping those signs. 

i still have a job, that i love (for the most part), i dont have to live in a glass anymore and i especially will not miss the mean girls or the transport that i mistakingly took back to high school.

i no longer have to talk about missing signs (who were being taken by my opponents husband, really, how old are we), go to another pie supper (now to work on those 7 lbs that i put back on and lose another 7), no more speeches, no more walking door to door to intrude on people in their homes, and no longer do i have to get out of my box

it is impressive to see signs with your name on them, to have people know who you are, and to see your name on a ballot.....most people will never know that kind of notaraity.  I did, it was special, scary, and taught me that failure isnt always a bad thing.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

being there

be there

this is a book called Fish! and subsequently, Fish! tales and Fish! sticks.  It is all based on a seattle fish market and the show they put on for their customers daily.  I was able to go a seminar based on this book and one of the most important things that i learned was to "be there"

this may sound simple, but being there is difficult in this plugged in world.  For me it meant, to not be walking away while talking to someone, to not be counting the seconds until someone gets to their point (yes, i do this), or trying to figure out what someone's agenda is. 

I have a remarkable opportunity to "be there" this week.  I went to a luncheon, initially to campaign, but there wasnt many people there.  I started talking to a lady who is roommates with the crazy accounting teacher that i had last semester.  I didnt realize they were roommates and they were both widows.  I had always wondered why my teacher chose to move from florida to warner, america.  She did it to have support.  Anyway, this lady began to tell me the story about how she lost her husband and what they did to fight for his life.  I dont think that i have ever been as present as i was during this story.  Her husband had constant acid reflux and the doctors were unable to give him any relief, he bounced between specialists and doctors until someone told them that is was esophogial cancer and he had weeks to live.  She found someone on the internet and was told to take him to Mexico for care.  They had no insurance and knew no spanish, but off to mexico they went.  One of the first people they met was a young doctor that spoke some english.  When the doctor left the room, the husband immediately looked at his wife and told him that he only wanted that doctor to do surgery on him, if it came to it.  It did, his stomach hemoraged and she insisted that had to call an ambulance, that doctor came in and told her there was no time for an ambulance and he did surgery immediately.  He saved her husbands life, she sat by his bed for 3 consecutive days, not knowing a word of spanish and unable to communicate with the staff.  They continued to drain her bank account with promises of recovery.  Finally, her friend knew there was something wrong and flew to mexico.  She took one look at her husband and knew the situation was never going to get any better.  The wife bought an old wheel chair, wheeled her husband from this place that he was going to inevitably die and went to the airport.  She told her husband that he was not to ask for oxygen or show any signs of sickness or he would not be allowed to fly.  These two women hugged the man all the way through the airport and safely made it back to the states.  The man died the next day after arriving home. 

I am a better person today for "being there" on that day.

mary anne

Well it wasn't two weeks
after she got married that
Wanda started gettin' abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And make-up to cover a bruise
Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atalnta
On a red eye midnight flight
She held Wanda's hand as they
worked out a plan

This song always made me think of living in stillwater with a druggy, abusive husband, no friends or family, and home felt a million miles away. 

I can remember my mother was in California with her dying mother and my father was the only one i told.  I needed someone's permission to quit and he gave it to me.  My parents came on friday night, my bff and one of our friends came on saturday with a truck to help me move.  She was my Mary Anne lots of times during that marriage and i am happy to say that it all seems like a dream now. 


perception is reality

i vounteered at the teen center to help teens prepare for job searches/interview.  We were having a conversation about a time you went somewhere and had bad service.  One of the bright young men told me the time that he went to a restaraunt and the waitress was too busy texting to get their drink orders.  There is no excuse for bad service but we always get ideas in our heads that are sometimes incorrect.  So i asked if he would have felt different about the experience if he had known that she was texting her mother, who was in the hospital and was very ill.  I saw the paradigm shift in this young man's head and his perception of this experience changed his reality. 

Hopefully, the next time he thinks that he is perceiving something one way he will give the accused a chance to explain before determining his reality. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


i live in a world of absolutes

i used to think that it was because i am a Libra and my sign is a scale, to one extreme or another, always or never

welcome to my world of bipolar, the only issue is that i don't get the highs just the debilitating lows

i wonder if this is nurture or nature or a combination of both

someone once told me that being on medication was like not knowing that you cant see until you put on a pair of glasses

the problem is that there is nothing positive to say about being bipolar, it is akin to being a leper, it is used to explain away the craziness of some people

i am a highly functioning bipolar, i have been able to contain it mostly to my head and have learned to not react to most of the stimuli that i am exposed to and not express every thought and feeling the moment that i have it.  The issue is that it makes me incredibly tired and this requires a few days of r&r to be able to cope with real life again.  The conundrum is that i have over scheduled my life so that i don't have to deal with issues and have zero time to backwash the brain of the noise. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

checking out

the path of least failure

i work hard to ensure that i don't fail and these days i am not sure if it is my self defeating behavior that has returned, my inability to deal with confrontation, or a gut feeling of the outcome.  I have found myself giving up, i am so exhausted and tired of being exhausted that i don't have it to give to ensure that i don't fail. 

I am scared to win this election because if i do then i have to work with people that really don't want me there.  I realize that i am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but i am tired of working so hard. 

I have an audit at my store, an election, and the only thing i want to do is check out. 

someone asked me the other day if i was going to have a watch party and what i wanted to say was yes, watching the inside of my eyelids

Sunday, June 10, 2012

finding our voice

i think that relationships have inertia, whichever way you start off, you will continue to go that direction until something big happens to change the direction

i went to my friends surprise 40th party last week.  After many margaritas, her boyfriend decided to propose.  It seemed that in his drunken stupor that he had enough liquid courage to execute a very badly thought out plan.  He started the diatribe with something about being strapped for cash.  I am sure it pretty much went downhill from there.  My friend would have been happy with a cubic zirconia, but it was amazing how he is able to find money for all kinds of other things but not for the ring.  Men just don't get it, this is a daily reminder of them, their love for us, and almost a symbol for our relationship.  Every time she looks at that ring she will think of that lousy proposal and how she didn't feel like a priority. 

They ended their engagement less than one week later. 

I met her for a drink last week and it was the ring that tied the entire situation together, it was a symbol of how she would always be last.  She spent 20 years in a marriage where she was last.  I applaud her strength and ability to stand up for what she deserves.

It is funny how at 40 we seem to find our voice, are able to finally read the compass, and have been through enough tough times to know that this is yet another storm that God will take us through.  I am proud of her, it motivates me. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

bubble bursting

"it will be such a sweet wedding, they have a cute story" to which i replied something about divorce

I went to a surprise birthday party the other night and one of our friends, who i am pretty sure married either the first or second guy that she ever had sex with, said the statement about a couple who were to be married the next day. 

I don't know if my filter is just broken (the filter that should keep every thought that comes into your head from immediately going out of your mouth), but i really think it was the fact that i could not help myself from bursting the idyllic bubble that was forming above her head filled with the fantasy future that she thought they would have to have because they had such a great story. 

My bff pointed out that my cynicism is probably from my own situation, what a great story i started out with as well. 

You want to make God laugh, make plans. 


There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence against a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

It is amazing what google has done for our lives.  Unfortunately, our newer generations don't get it, they never had to go to the library and flip through little index cards and then search for a book by the Dewey decimal system. 

I used to sing this song in my chorus class, i still don't really understand the second verse, but i will google it after i get out of church. 

My first semester back to school.  I was very nervous that i would have issues keeping up.  It became very apparent very early this would not be an issue.  Kids today are lazy and just don't get it (i am sure someone said that about me once as well....probably more than one someone).  My professor gave us a worksheet to be completed for extra credit.  Being the overachiever that i am, i immediately started working on it, and was unable to find some of the answers.  I googled them, filled out my worksheet and went to class.  It amazed me that some of the other students were just bewildered on where to find the answers.  Really, your generation just called and they have disowned you!!!!

broken mouse

I used to think that you don't really know someone until you live with them or work with them.  I have now added or run for a political office. 

I think that when you get married it only intensifies your relationship, if you have a bad one, it will only get worse and you will feel trapped (like my first marriage) or if you have a good one, you will become a stronger unit.  Unfortunately, it is sometimes difficult to discern between the two. 

I try to give my employees thoughtful, useful advice without becoming entangled into their drama.  When someone asks me how many children i have, i say about 15. 

I once gave the marriage advice to one of my employees that was about to join the military (so very proud of her), so she got married, realized what an immature jerk her husband was and promptly got out of that marriage.

I have an employee who is chicken little, the sky is always falling.  In the middle of my day, i have a power surge, my mouse no longer working.  She comes in from lunch, freaked out about her house and the fact that she received a letter stating that her taxes weren't paid.  In the middle of trying to fix my mouse, i am trying to talk her out of her frenzy of the world hates her and only bad things happen to her.  I kind of see her point, but unfortunately when you steal an entire ATM in a stolen car, the law tends to frown upon that.  I ask the obvious question which is "do you have a receipt", her ex girlfriend and current girlfriend are looking for it.  That is a blog for another day.  I then explain that it is Saturday and the treasury is closed, the issue is probably that the last treasurer unexpectedly died in the middle of his term.  I am sure that caused the office some issues.  Wait until Monday and go see the new treasurer.  Crisis averted until Monday, but i still never fixed my mouse.  Oh well. 

Friday, June 1, 2012


my mother would make me cinnamon and sugar with rice and milk for breakfast.  Once i woke up early and made my own breakfast.  I used too much cinnamon and not enough sugar in my rice.  My mother woke up and she was furious, she made me sit at the table until i ate my breakfast.

I wished that my mother would have been more patient with me and had showed me my mistake without punishing me for it. 

For years, i couldn't say that i was sorry and could not stand for someone to tell me i was wrong.  It took me years to figure out that the appropriate response to someone apologizing to me was not "it is okay".  Once my boyfriends son had done something and my boyfriend made him apologize to me, i didn't know what to say because it wasn't "okay", so i just sat there.  He was so furious at me for not saying anything. 

I was in my mid 20's and i didn't know how to respond to an apology.