Wednesday, July 31, 2013

the fixer

had therapy on Monday and told my therapist about the issue with my sister.  I am a fixer, that is what makes me so good at my job.  I drove to therapy trying to find a way to fix the situation with my sister, call intervention, show has been cancelled.  Call Dr. Phil or Iyanla.....I don't really want my issues on television and I think they would have to block a hole entire week to devote to our family issues.  I am telling my therapist about the issue and she says "you cannot fix your sister".  I say yes, I know.  (this is why I love my therapist).  "You intellectually know this, but I don't think that you are internalizing what I am saying, and you are still trying to find a way to fix the situation."

 I told her about the Facebook post and how I wanted to call butch and go off on him.  She told me that I can do that, but it will not make me feel any better.  I want to do it, because it is something tangible that I can mark off my to do list.  No, I don't think Butch got up every morning and thought, "how can I fuck up my kids".  That is the problem, I don't think he thought about us at all.

I had too busy of a week last week.  I am going to have to take time to dig all of this garbage out my soul, look at it and lovingly accept it for what it is and forgive.  I must learn to forgive myself.  I told my therapist about the agreement that I made with God and that is why Matt and I don't have a family and she disagreed.  She believes in the same God that I do, he isn't a vengeful God. 

Ironically tonight's sermon was about forgiving yourself for things that God has already forgiven you for.  There are many things that I must forgive myself for and many things that I must stop taking responsibility for. 

I must continue with my boundaries and doing things that are in my best interest and that are inline with my purpose in the world. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

new mantra

I called my sister tonight and she was the "asap call". 

I feel so broken and as if I might lose it all any minute, but my sister thinks that I am so put together because I have a house, a car, a husband, a job, and she happened to catch me on the one night in who knows how long that I actually cooked dinner. 

My sister told me about how sad she has been feeling and I just listened, it is all that I can do.  I don't even know how to navigate my way out of my sadness, so I have no advice to give. 

I know that I am suppose to be kinder and gentler to myself about my past and my mistakes.  I haven't done much soul searching these days, too busy last week.  My mantra was "suck it up buttercup".  I did get so overwhelmed one day that I just cried during my lunch hour again. 

oh well, I get to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and my husband thinks that I should tell him that my meds aren't working.  The only drug that I know of that is going to allow you to feel blissful all day is heroine and I don't think my doctor is going to give me a prescription for that. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

tomorrow is another day

"on my ninth day of silence, I went into meditation one evening...I remember thinking this is it gena, I said to my mind, this is your chance.  Show me everything that is causing you sorrow.  Let me see all of it  Don't hold anything back"

"one by one The thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves.  I looked at each though, at each unit of sorry and I acknowledged its existence and felts its horrible pain.  and then I would tell that sorrow "it's OK, I love you. I accept you.

Then I would say, next? and the next bit of grief would surface.  I would regard, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart.  I did this with every sorrowful thought I'd ever had until nothing was left.

Then I said to my mind "show my your anger now."  One by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known,  Every injustice, betrayal, loss, rage.....I saw them all and one by one I acknowledged their existence.  I felt each piece of anger completely as if it were happening for the first time then I would say "come into my heart now.  You can rest there.  It is safe now it is over I love you.  This went on for hours and finally the anger entered my heart, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers and gave up fighting. 

Then came the most difficult part, "show me your shame".  I asked my mind. Dear God the horrors I saw then a pitiful parade of all my failings, lies, selfishness, jealousy, arrogance.  I then said show me your worst and when I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart they hesitated at the door saying "no-you don't"

this was the text that I had from my sister this morning after I called her last night to make sure she was okay.  butch left a message on my Facebook to call him "asap" I replied "nope, I just don't have it to give for anymore drama".  I know that sounds horrible, but his "here I come to save the day" crap really gets old with me and we all know that he doesn't posses the follow through to actually save anything. 

I then thought about calling him up and finding out what the new drama was, one of his children having issues.  I wanted to go off on him and tell him that he had three messed up children and that he should probably take responsibility.  My husband would tell me that I am a better person, but it would make me feel much better.  I didn't have the energy for it last night.  Maybe I will call him tomorrow. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

I am done

today I am just done.  I REALLY need for this week to be OVER!!!

Monday, finished the last two assignments due for my summer semester, took my husband to the neurologist to see why he has a constant headache (besides being married to me).  The doctors conclusion was it is a "rebound headache".  I don't know but if the new meds work we should save a mint in Excedrin.

Tuesday, went in at 6am, had to take off at 2 to drive almost an hour for therapy.  I came home and balanced the books for my volunteer group.  My phone wakes me up at 12:30am with flood warnings and tornado warnings.  We lose power about 10 minutes later.  I try to go back to sleep, but the battery backups around the house are serenading me.  My husband finally turns them off and immediately falls asleep (I swear he is borderline narcoleptic) and starts to snore.  I move to the living room, almost fall asleep and here he comes.  He has to change his insulin cartridge.  I almost fall asleep again and he wakes me up, telling me to go to the bedroom because he will be awhile changing his cartridge.  I go to the bedroom, almost back asleep and he wakes me to tell me he is done and I can move to the living room again if I would like.  REALLY?

Wednesday, had to be at my volunteer group early to give them their books back.  A lady meets me at the door telling me she had money for me.  I told her that I was no longer the treasurer, she replied that she knew.....then why are you giving me money, is it for personal use?

Thursday, regional visit, I get to the store at 6:15am.  I flooded aquatics and then proceeded to take a bath in salt water. Regional proceeded to hand me my behind.  We receive a letter from the IRS that we owe $3k.  My poor husband was freaking out, I just didn't have it to give. 

Today, hateful people.  I don't know why I let it get to me so much, but I do.  Lady from career services waits until last night to tell me that she hasn't received my resume or cover letter.  I email her the information and then ask her to let me know if she needs anything else, because my professor is waiting for her to email him the grades THIS MORNING.  She let me know late this morning that the cover letter I emailed her is incorrect and that she hasn't received my thank you letter.  I have to leave work and email her two documents which takes me an hour to do, because they have to be exactly to her liking.  I took off Thursday, Friday, Sunday, and Monday to work on all of my assignments to ensure that they were submitted in plenty of time (the semester ends today).  I have even sent emails to my professor asking why I was missing grades....he is waiting for the lady at career services.  I still have a paper that my professor hasn't graded.  Oh yeah, did I mention that he is out of the country and has been all summer.  I did mention that in my survey for the class.  I go with my husband to Staples and they are busy.......why, back to school.  Oh, how I miss those days, NOT!!!!  I found a chair, sat, caught up on Facebook, and just smiled.  I then get a phone call today from a guy (who I cannot understand) that says that he is calling from a collection agency and I owe him around $250 (I think)for my alarm system.  I asked him why I owed if I cancelled and he tried to explain but I don't understand his English.  I told him to mail me a letter explaining why I owed him money.  I think he said he would. 

Yesterday I come home and the garage door is open.  I come in and everything seems to be in place.  I make the dogs walk the house with me and I find the garage door opener laying on the floor in the foyer. Bubba likes to get things off the foyer table, I guess it makes him feel closer to us.  He must have started to chew on the door opener and the door opened.  We figured he probably dropped the opener and ran to the kitchen as soon as he heard the door open, thinking that one of us had came home early.  We wonder how long he stood staring at the door to the garage waiting on us to walk in.

I am almost scared to get out of bed in the morning. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

therapy topic

a few months ago I was given one of those crosses that you carry in your pocket and there is a card that explains that every time you put your hand in your pocket you are suppose to think of and thank God.  My husband has had one and has carried it for YEARS.  I lost mine and found it right before we went on vacation.  I lost it the first day when I was trying on clothes.  I thought someone needed it worse than I did and sent good thoughts to the person who would find it (the way that trip went, I should have went back for it).  Today, I subconsciously reached to my necklace for my cross pendant and yep, it is gone.  The chain is still in tact, I once again figure someone obviously needs it worse than I do.  My sweet husband gave me the extra cross we received at church that night (any bets on how long before I lose this one).  My old superstitious self would have taken this as a sign and my anxiety level would be through the roof.  I had such a great session with my therapist today, that I am beyond it. 

I watched the second part of daddy less daughters last night.  I realized that not only was I daddy less once, but twice.  I had my birth father abandon me, then I had butch who was too busy with other things to make me a priority.  Your father is the first intimate (non sexual) relationship that you have with a man and model all relationships with there after.  Butch treated me more like a girlfriend than a daughter.  I can remember he would get up and walk around the house naked, that is not appropriate for a young girl to see.  He once told me that it was the woman's responsibility to make the man happy in bed.....why would you tell your daughter this?

I told my therapist about the reoccurring question that I had been hearing about "the story that you tell yourselves".  I tell myself that I am broken.  I told her that I needed a new mantra and a way to get all of this black, negative junk out from inside myself.  She smiled.  She told me that I needed to look at my past and not punish or berate myself for the choices that I made.  I needed to unconditionally, lovingly sympathize and empathize with myself. 

I told her of my past and the abortions that I had (it hadn't really dawned on me to tell her until now).....maybe I am unpacking all of my baggage and working through it.  I feel as though I had blew my chance to have a family so I didn't deserve to have one now.  Actually  there is more to that story which I told my husband at dinner.  I didn't tell one of the fathers what I had done.  I had made God a promise that if he wouldn't allow me to get pregnant again I would be okay with never having children.  This is the guilt that I carry and why I think that I hate myself so much. 

I suppose I have my next topic for therapy. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

the story we tell ourselves

what is the story that you tell yourself

I have heard this at least three times in the last 24 hours.  I am trying to fill this hole in myself with things other than food, shopping, or with other people's loves. 

The story that I tell myself is that I am not good enough.  I don't love myself.  I must do things for other people to accept me and love me.  Which is why I continue to do things that punish myself, I really think that I deserve to be sad.  It is what I am used to.  I feel that I am done with being the victim, so I don't sit around and say "why me?".  I own my miserableness (if that is even a word).  I don't look at my past as something that just happened to me, I was a willing participant. 

The problem is that I don't know how to be good enough to love myself.  I know how to check out.  I know how to stand still and be okay being me and that is good enough.  I don't know how to stop self mutilating myself with bad behavior.  I am conscious of it while I am doing it, I just don't love myself enough to make better decisions.  I have switched from spending to food, but I am scared to death that I will fall off that wagon at any moment. 

I feel like an addict and in some ways I am.  Addicts use so they don't have to feel anymore.  I stuff all of these feeling down so that I don't have to feel them anymore.  A celeb went to rehab, not for drugs, but to check out and have an intense therapy session for six weeks.  Too bad I don't have a couple of grand to do that.

I watched rick warren and he classified people lives into three categories, survival, success, and significance.  I had to google the last two, because all I remembered was that I was the first, survival. You live your life just to survive from day to day, surviving for the weekend.  I get up in the morning and I am happy when lunch gets here because I know that I have just a few more hours and my day is done.  I can go home and hide out. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


there is a preacher from Haiti going to our little community college majoring in agriculture.  He plans on going back to his country and using his church teach surrounding communities how to grow their own food.

He had lunch today with my preacher and they discussed many things, but the subject of voodoo came up and how rampant it is in Haiti.  People practice, Christianity, voodoo, or both.  All I kept thinking of was voodoo dolls.  I found it all interesting how prevalent and prominent voodoo was in Haiti.  The man said that Americans are sheltered from it, because our laws would not allow such practices to become so rampant.  I always linked voodoo to a self fulfilled prophecy, if you believed in it enough then it would happen.

Do I believe that evil exists, yes.  Why, it is a balance of life, the yin and the yang.  There cannot be light without dark, sweet without sour, good without evil.  You would never enjoy the warmth of the sun on your skin without the cold of the darkness.  You cannot truly savor the sweetness of cold watermelon without the bitter taste of lemon.  You will never know how fortunate you truly are until you have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. 

The last session of verbal diarrhea that I was subjected to by my ex husband (this is what I called his verbal abuse).  I almost had an out of body experience where I looked down upon myself laying on the floor crying, he had continued to call me and tell me horrible things then hang up just to call me again.  I thought to myself, is this the day that I have had enough? 

my adrenaline high

today is my Friday and I am very thankful.

I have a paper to write, a virtual interview to do, a seven to ten minute video to do, and finish up three tests in intro to marketing. 

I resigned my position as treasurer today in my community group.  One of the members called me at work, at my store, to tell me that I needed to make an effort to come to the meetings.  It just hit me the wrong way, and this was my reply "what you need to understand is that I run this store working 40 plus hours a week, I go to school for six hours, I had inventory on Monday, and I am exhausted.  I think that you should find yourself another treasurer".  I felt empowered after the conversation, allowing myself to say exactly what I had been feeling for a long time, a burden had finally been lifted.  Once the adrenaline left, I felt let down, once again I allowed a position in an organization define my self esteem. 

Ironically, this morning I had been thinking of what had caused the unhappiness of the last year.  I think some of it was I had overextended myself for way too long, running the store, going to school, then running for office.  I was thinking how stupid it was for me to think that I could do all of that and do it well.  I obviously didn't because at one point and time I had to make a decision, the store or the election.  The store was my first commitment and I had to honor it, so I lost the election because I didn't give it what it deserved.  I think that it worked out for the best.  I would not have been happy working in those conditions with a woman who slandered my name every chance she got. 

The point being, I had this thought to remind me that I cant do it all and this group is another thing in my life that I don't have time for and really didn't care to make time for anymore.  Dues are $85 a quarter per person, that is $170 for my husband and I.  I would feel better donating that money to my adoption partner and have a heck of a lot less stress.  It was good to see the president today and not want to strangle him. 

The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Worst break up ever

I officially have the worst way to break up with someone.

I have a friend, her parents have been married for 30+ years.   On the fourth her father sent her and her siblings a text stating that he couldn't take it anymore.  He was leaving their mother and it was their responsibility to tell her.

I thought being broken up with via email was bad.

Monday, July 15, 2013

zimmerman trayvon verdict

The Zimmerman verdict has come back and I know that it is very controversial, my thoughts are with the families.  No one ever wins this kind of case.  There is now talk of a civil action.  I doubt Zimmerman owns anything of value and even if he does, all the money in the world can't and won't bring back Trayvon.  I watched an interview with his father before the trial started and I could see the pain in his eyes.  My mother always said there was nothing worse in this world than a parent having to bury a child and I agree.  No one will ever truly know what happened that night except for Trayvon and Zimmerman, God will have to sort out the rest. 

I think that true forgiveness is letting go and I think all parties involved will have to find their own path to forgiveness.  I just hope that they are able to find it in this lifetime or many more lives will have been lost than just Trayvon's.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

the cycle

forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will be any different

I think of the last year and how different things were at this time last year.  I was riding a roller coaster, I just didn't know it, and the bottom was about to drop out from under me.  This put me in a tail spin that I am still not sure that I have recovered from.  This has made me focus on myself and the issues that I have hidden for so long, trying to act like everything is okay.  You are only as sick as your secrets.  My secrets were that I never truly expressed how my childhood affected me.  I always had the attitude that everyone has a dysfunctional childhood, get over it. 

I listened to a man on NPR who was talking about trauma and how it is human nature to try and rationalize the trauma and why it happened.  When we do this we don't fully face the trauma and how it affected us and we never truly get over it.  I really think this is what I have done.  I don't think that my parents started out to neglect me or treat me bad with any kind of malice.  It just happened they were two broken people who were too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to put that aside and focus on me and my needs.  This is why I end up in dysfunctional relationships because the first guy who comes along and pays any kind of attention to me, I am just ate up, then I become disgruntled when the rate of attention declines (no one can keep up that kind of level).  I feel abandoned like I did when I was a child.  I don't leave the relationship, I just rationalize the other person's motives and hope that one day they will realize how special I am and apologize, giving me the apology that I never got from my parents. 

This is the reason why I stayed in my first marriage.  It was a sick cycle but the abusive relationship was what I thought I deserved.  It is like an addict that shoots up, you know the needle is going to hurt but then you will get the relief.  I would go through the abuse part of the cycle and have him tell me all of these bad things about me (I secretly believed) to get to the honeymoon cycle.  The honeymoon cycle is so good, it makes the abuse almost worth it, to have him tell me how much he loved me and he needed me.  Until you become emotionally drained and hearing "it wont happen again" just makes you want to throw up. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

the ditch

i am so happy to be home, to sleep in my own bed.  I missed my animals so much, now I know why I never go anywhere. 

I know that every day is suppose to be a new day, but everyday in my house feels like the same exact day.  I have no one to blame for that except myself. 

I am glad that I took this vacation. I learned a lot about myself and even more last night.  I am learning to express my needs and be realistic about whether those needs will be met or not.  I am starting to not be scared to be on my own.  I think that it will come soon as my partner has expressed to me his unhappiness.  I made a commitment to my husband and I haven't always done the best to keep my end of the bargain, I will leave this marriage with no regrets.  I have learned that regret is an awful thing. 

I think I have the winning combination of meds, support, and a therapist who is willing to hold my feet to the fire. 

there is a story in the bible about a donkey in a ditch on Sabbath day.  Jesus refused to allow the donkey to lay in the ditch even though it was the day of rest, so he "worked" and got the donkey out of the ditch.  I have heard mention of this story at least six times in the past month.  I am still working out what it means.....maybe it just means that I need to get my "ass" out of the ditch.  stop with this depression that continues to drag the life from me. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

love doesnt hurt

"do something every day that scares you".....I am not sure that this is possible, but I did do something this week that scared the crap out of me.  I rode a roller coaster....I don't not like the feeling of falling.  I closed my eyes and thought of the fish out of the water, fighting for air, and the idea that the fight or flight would kick that fishes endorphins into overdrive therefore allowing it to heal itself. 

I know that my fear of roller coasters are a control thing.  I just closed my eyes and allowed my body to go with the twists and turns.  my leg was literally shaking when I got off but I really did not want it to stop.  I wanted to learn to embrace the discomfort until it became familiar.  this is probably why roller coasters aren't very long, people would not feel the need to ride it again and again and again. 

it was a good trip and it was fun to spend time with my in laws.  I keep getting the message loud and clear that no one can heal this hole in my heart.  I have to find a way to love myself, this is the only way that I can truly feel love.  love that wont leave, say mean things to me, or hurt me. 

Monday, July 8, 2013


today was rough.  I feel as though I have a hole from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of my soul.  I used to fill it with alcohol, but quit.  then I started filling it with food.  I pray to god every day that he fills it with something.  my therapist thinks that I don't have a hole, I just have a lot of junk that I need to let go of.  I wish I knew how.  I asked her, she asked me why I would hold on to it and I think I do it because I don't know how to be happy. I don't deserve to be happy.  truth be told, I am scared to death to be happy. the person who said "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is an idiot that has no idea what pain feels like. 

we talked about loving myself unconditionally.  I told her skip the unconditional part, what about just loving myself and making good decisions for myself. 

I told her that I had a week off and my husband was talking about moving out, I was going to buy a plane ticket and she could just kill me when I got back.  she said that I am wanting someone to heal my wounds. I thought I just want to feel good, even if it is for just a few days.  she says that I want someone to love me like I should have been loved when I was a child.  I know that, I can chronologically chart my life with broken relationships. 

I am forty and have not a clue how to love myself.  I think I have made huge strides, at least I don't hate myself anymore. 

I spent years feeling black inside. 

I watched a show the other night about crows and exploding frogs.  to illustrate how smart crows are they filled a beaker with water and put in a wax worm, the water level was too low for the crow to get the delicious wax worm, so it started putting random items in the beaker to raise the water level and he finally got the wax worm. 

my insides now feel as though they are filled with random things that I have hoarded.  I have so much baggage that I am exhausted and overwhelmed and most importantly hopeless.  I have to find a way to put down this baggage and realize that it belongs to all of the broken people in my life.  it wasn't my fault that my parents could not give me what I deserved, they were broken. there is no way I could have been perfect enough to make my mother love me. 

the need to punish myself

BAITERs (Backstabbers, Abusers, Imposters, Takers, Exploiters and Reckless) and that evil people are all around us.
I thought there was something very interesting about the abusers, they are anyone that make you feel bad after you encounter them. 

I saw an interview with a guy yesterday that had been an architect for 27 years.  he had felt as if he had prostituted himself for money and accolades.  he studied architecture in school because his father wanted him to do it and he thought that he could pass the classes.  he had taken an herbal supplement that was tainted and left him in bed for almost five months.  his son came in one day and said "how dare you die on me".  he decided at that time if he had another chance to go round the world, he would do things differently.  he says now he scrutinizes every time he says yes to something and ensures that it aligns with vision spiritually and materially. 

I know I have an issue with saying yes to things that I shouldn't.  I have gotten a lot better at thinking before I just answer.  I think that I used to do it as a way of sabotage.  I would say yes, only to wait until the last minute to back out.  it was as if letting people down would reinforce my load of guilt that I needed to carry.  it would give me something else to hate myself for.  now, I try really hard to be a person of my word.  we had a survey at work about two years ago and my employees really knocked me on not being able to depend on me keeping my word.  that was a wake up call. now I think about that before I make a commitment. 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

fight or flight

what is worse, the lies we tell others or the lies we tell ourselves

I had a colleague tell me the other day that someone was "talking out both sides of their mouth".

when I had first start dating the narcissist, his ex wife (actually they were still legally married) tried to tell me that she thought that in his mind the stories he told were real.  I wasn't sure what her agenda was so I didn't spend much time thinking about what she said.  I should have been more concerned about the narcissist's agenda. 

I do not like when I have to play detective analyzing which of the two conflicting statements are true.  Either that or I will just write you off as bipolar and think that both of the statements were true at the time that you said them. 

I have spent so much of my personal life being fat, dumb, and happy.  either because I chose to be that way or because someone chose for me to live that way.  I think that my expectations of a relationship are unrealistic and obviously I haven't been given the tools that I need to navigate through one successfully. 

I have expected my personal life to fix me.  I am now working on fixing myself.  someone once said, you can have it all, you just cant have it at the same time.  I fear this is my reality. 

my therapist made me promise that I would not make any big decisions for a year, but I so want to sell what I can, pack up and go somewhere else.  I know this isn't logical and no one wants to buy the baggage I so desperately want to get rid of. 

there was a fish that was having issues the other day, someone pulled it out of the water and looked at it, then put it back.  I asked what that was all about, they stated that the fish's fight for life would give it the power to heal itself, to make it want to live, to make it better. 

most days if today were my last day, I do not think it would bother me, someone needs to pull me from the water and engage my fight for life.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

amazon smack down

I came home early and took a nap.  that was nice. 

last night I receive an email about a product review that I had posted on amazon, the original review was "I study, read, and crochet in bed while watching tv (it is my luxury). I continously have issues being able to see what i am doing. I have a small bedside lamp, but it doesnt put out much light and if i use the overhead light, it sometimes casts a shadow on what i am trying to do. I had to stay in a hotel for business and thought the lamps mounted on the wall were very functional and easy to operate. No more fumbling for the switch on the cord. I told my husband that i needed a lamp to mount on the wall and he was absolutely against it. When trying to learn to crochet, i thought this is it. I immediately pulled out my laptop and just knew there had to be a wall lamp that was functional and didnt look as though it belonged in a hotel. I found it. I didnt want to spend a lot of money on the lamp, because i didnt know if i would like it or if my husband would let me have it. The lamp came to my home quickly and when i opened it, my husband was still against it. I came home one day to find it hanging on my side of the bed and I have been very happy with the lamp. It is a 3 way bulb with a max of 150, which is very useful, depending on what you are working on. The switch is located at the base of the lamp, which most of the time is cumbersome to turn on and off, but if the lamp is mounted above your head, it is far easier to get to. Warning, the cord cover is not included and i would absolutely suggest that you have one. Now, i just need to convince my husband to let me get one for his side of the bed. Oh yeah, you will love the fact that there is one less thing sitting on your endtable, dresser, whatever. "

"You sound like someone whose review can be trusted, but it is a shame that you are an adult in a relationship where you feel like you must get permission from your husband like a child from a parent."

I was too tired to respond and thought that if I didn't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all.  then I wake up this morning to this reply from another user.

"The husband owns the house too! Its only right that Tanya consults him. Give him some credit, he was against it but still relented and mounted it for Tanya anyway. With your self-centered attitude you shouldn't be giving relationship advice to anyone and I'd be surprised if you can find anyone willing to put up with you for very long! "

it is nice to have a man come to your defense

Friday, July 5, 2013

broken windows

i am so happy that the fourth is over and I can stop drugging my dogs....last night was the worst, I don't think that bubba could have taken one more day of it.  at one time I had both dogs in bed with me and one of them had the worst gas.  I literally thought that they crapped on the bed.  we all took our drugs and slept like babies.

I did think that I was going to lose my mind.  I was online taking a test and this was the time that windows decided to shut my computer down and install it's upgrades...really?  I know that people at Microsoft need jobs, but do they really have to download new upgrades every week.  Since I was on lockdown browser, I didn't have access to my toolbar and couldn't see that the window was about to be shut down.  I tried to log back on but the system told me that I had already taken the test.  I thought I was going to lose my mind, this is ridiculous.  I emailed my teacher and she reset my test, I am glad that I was only about 7 questions into it or I probably would have been screwed (and not in a good way). 

I am so thankful that tomorrow is my last day then I get to go on vacation.  I really need this time away and I am hoping the children act well while I am gone. 

I have two big projects to do for this semester.  I have to interview a corporate executive.  I still have to invent my soda and do my ads.  The last time I checked this was an intro to marketing class and I am not a marketing major. 

I read a magazine article the other day about being happy or how to become happy or maybe she was a happiness expert.  Anywho...she had a broken window theory.  Cops have it about neighborhoods, if houses start to have broken windows that aren't fixed, then people start to not care about the neighborhood, graffiti shows up on the walls, the crack heads move get it.  the broken window theory is also an analogy for your life, I mean hoarders just don't accumulate all of that stuff in one night.  it starts with unopened mail, a closet that needs to be cleaned out, etc.  I think that all of that junk really can start to weigh down your mind and your soul.  I felt so good when I got rid of all of those clothes that I couldn't wear.  it feels good to purge. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

practice makes perfect

ugh, yesterday stunk.  I was so exhausted, that all I wanted to do was go to sleep early but the locals decided to set off even more fireworks and bubba was even more upset.  I was up and down until after 10pm and then my alarm went off at 5am for my morning meeting.  I left early and told the guy that always wants to bum a ride for me that I didn't have time to take him to the VA.  I know it wasn't a nice thing to do but I needed my "me" time this morning.  I did read my bible for awhile, read my book about overcoming perfection and took a cat nap.  I was in the worst mood today, they tried to send me home.  I felt bad, my head has hurt for two days, I have had acid reflux so bad, that I had saltine crackers for lunch.  my brother in law flew in today for the next two weeks.  I think he is wanting to spend this time with his mother before her dementia turns into full blown Alzheimer's.  we are suppose to go to Branson next week.  my husband isn't very happy about having to spend what is left of his vacation time on this visit, but I told him that in a few years he will be happy that he did this while she can still remember. 

I have been reading this book "confessions of a raging perfectionist (learning to be free)".  she documents her daily journal like "bridget jones diary" but instead of cigarettes and cocktails, she counts her wrinkles, calorie content, bills paid, and bank account balances.  it is a religious book with bible versus, but with laugh out loud moments where she speaks of Janice Dickinson and her quest to stay young and beautiful.  she states that "beauty doesn't drift quietly into the night. it flees."

I think the older I have become the more vain that I have become.  I never thought that anyone needed to put a bag over my head, but I never thought that I was gorgeous.  I am more aware that I don't want to look 70 when I am 45.  I think that was a motivator to quit smoking and drinking.  I don't tan.  I would love to have surgery to take the hereditary bags out from under my eyes that require me to spackle concealer on every day.  if I were more concerned I would ensure that my body was in better shape, but for now I am just trying to love what I have and stop punishing myself for the stretch marks and the effects of gravity. 

the author of the book speaks about her love of money.  she has seen the best and worst of both worlds, her in laws have money and her parents declared bankruptcy.  at times she has been angry with god.  it seems that growing up poor makes her want more things to make her happy. I can relate to where she is coming from, but I made my amends with money (for now).  my credit cards are paid off, I have enough money to eat, pay my bills, keep a roof over my head, and buy myself a little something every once in awhile.  I am very proud that I have managed to put myself through school and acquire zero debt while doing it (so far). 

we all know what my real vice is and that is food.  I pray daily that god will heal my heart and help me find what I need so that I will stop feeling the need to stuff this hole inside me with food.  we all have our addictions, our baggage that we carry, it just depends on how well we hide from the outside world.

 I am the master, I have had years of practice. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

getting old

last night the locals started firing their fireworks, Buckley kept running around the house whining and his heart was racing.  I finally got him in the bedroom and he laid down to go to sleep about 10. funny, now that paisley has a brother, she was not disturbed by all of the noise.  usually she would be driving me nuts, she acts ten times worse than her brother. 

I am happy that my therapy appointment isn't until this afternoon so I was able to sleep in today.  I am still tired, but I have to get my homework done today. 

well, getting old is finally starting to affect my body (no longer do I have the stomach made of iron).  I have suspected for awhile that my coffee drinking has been causing my acid reflux, so I am having to switch to decaf.  then that makes you wonder why bother, if you aren't actually getting any caffeine, why bother drinking coffee,  I don't know, but I am not ready to give it up yet. 

homework may just have to wait until tonight, I am thinking I need a nap. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

wake up call

i didn't make it to my board meeting this morning, I was too tired and needed the sleep.  I did manage to get two weeks of schedules done so that I can go on vacation next week and I desperately need it, but then I have inventory when I get back and will probably be just as tired from that process. 

I am not looking forward to therapy tomorrow.  I do not want to talk about my ex husband. 

I do feel as though I have gotten a better handle on school this summer, but next week I will be gone and will probably be behind again and feverishly trying to play catch up.  I have to find someone to take care of the dogs.  I hate leaving them with people I don't know or worse yet, leaving them at the vet.  I am afraid the building is going to burn down and they will have no way to get out.

speaking of which, about the time that I got married the first time I had the overcoming fear that I was going to die in a car wreck (should have been my first clue not to get married).  I still have a saint Christopher's medallion in my car to this day.  the other evening I had this overwhelming fear that the house would burn down and the animals would be trapped inside.  god, I hope I don't have to spend my entire life this way.  it is exhausting.  I already take anti anxiety medication three times a day. 

I came home today and cleaned the house....I know that being able to get up tomorrow to a clean house will make me feel better.  i am doing much better, i don't stay in bed every day that i am off.  i am not sure if that is because i don't have the option or i just don't have the need for it.  i still get extremely tired, i had to take a nap yesterday.  i have to admit three hours was much better than my usual eight hour nap on Sundays. 

i am not sure what happened to me in the last year.  i don't know if it was too much over scheduling that finally caught up with me.  having to let go of a dream.  or a combination of it all. 

if god will lead you to it, then he will lead you through it.  maybe this is my wake up call.