Sunday, September 30, 2012


my birthday and new years is always a time of reflection for me....i am so looking forward to a new year, this last year was way too tough

it was a year of failures, very public failures, Matt and i filed for divorce, i lost an election, privately i was played, and kicked to the curb via email.  I did manage to get my associates with honors, but was too exhausted from a failed campaign to walk the stage. 

i am drained, physically and emotionally.  I feel as though i spend every minute of everyday just trying to get to the next.  My depression has taken on a sickly feeling, not just the usual needing to cry over anything and everything. 

I received a phone call from my OBGYN and my annual came back abnormal, so i had to schedule another appointment for February.  I actually would like my doctor to find something so that maybe i can pinpoint my constant lethargic, sickly feeling on something concrete....instead of this thing that lives in my head. 


yesterday i turned 40

i always have the worst birthdays, it started about the time that i moved back home from Tulsa.  Last year, i served my husband with divorce papers on my birthday, then went and got drunk with my bff (took two days to recover from that one). 

i slept most of the day yesterday, finally Matt became super concerned about me after 14 hours in bed and no notice of my gift that had been in the bathroom all day. 

i am not sure if it is my depression or this congestion that i have been unable to get rid of for the past month that is sucking the life out of me, but something must give...........enough

i never put much thought into what people tell me, if you tell me something, then i usually believe it.....the narcissist used to tell me these grand stories of things that he would do for his ex wife (not really his ex, they didn't get divorced until after he left me for someone else....that should've been a clue) for her birthday.  I cant remember any birthdays we spent together (except his when he left me), but i do remember being upset because i expected these grand plans.  I thought that it meant that i wasn't special.  It is amazing how i have spent my entire life with people who went out of their way to make me feel not special. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012


it is so much easier to be angry at someone else. 

i have spent over a decade managing people, so little that they do or don't do doesn't shock me.  Over 80% of theft is internal.  I was so upset last week when an employee, who has been a pain in my behind for months was caught stealing for me.  I wanted the iron fist of justice to come down and squash her for her sinful behavior, for her dishonestness, and for her need to not be grateful for what she had. 

it was actually me that i was angry at, it was me that i wanted all of those things to happen to, because i had been being dishonest in my life, not being grateful for what i had

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


it is so difficult to forgive people when they have wronged you, but then you have to remember that you have sinned in the past as well and god forgave you

i used to have a mouth like a sailor until i realized exactly how uneducated it made me sound, but today i have thought the f'ing (female dog) phrase several times while having to deal with another person. 

i will never understand why people must always start drama and every time i see this person speaking with anyone else i just want to scream at her to shut up, because all she is doing is talking crap and starting crap.  I graduated from high school a long time ago and realized that dragging other people down does not make me any better of a person, it wont make me any skinnier, my bank account any bigger, and my dog will still feel the need to pee on the carpet. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

figuratively not literally

the difference between men and women......

i wrote a blog about a play i saw and how the main character thought that a woman wanting a  new car was symbolic for wanting a new life....i actually had a guy leave a comment about car maintenance and the importance in maintaining your vehicle, also how to keep your transmission from slipping

bless his heart

Monday, September 10, 2012

shutting it off

criticism is a request to do or not do something that is stated badly

today, i am feeling very victorious....went to class actually understood what the man made of superglue was talking about, came home and aced my quiz and homework......maybe i am actually getting my groove back

Thursday, September 6, 2012

paths crossed

I always think of great things to blog about as i am falling asleep......

today, a girl that i graduated high school with was sentenced to fifteen years for sleeping with her students (one of which was her daughters boyfriend, yeah that must suck).  She testified to years of sexual abuse as a child, which led to a sexual relationship as a teen that turned into an abusive relationship as an adult.  She will spend thirteen years in prison before becoming eligible for parole.  She stated that she would not have stopped the relationships had her husband not discovered one of the relationships (i am guessing the daughters boyfriend).  She didn't even think about the relationships being wrong until she was finally arrested. 

I was friends with this girl in high school, she spent the night at my house.  Don't get me wrong, we didn't think that she had a great childhood growing up, but we didn't guess that it was that bad.  I can remember her boyfriend at the time, pulling her out of her bedroom window because her home life was less than ideal. 

I was mugged once and had to go to court, my mother asked me how i felt about it as we were leaving the courthouse.  I told her that i felt that our lives had crossed paths for a short period of time, but would go totally different ways from that point forward.  She would go to prison, learn how to be a better criminal, and come out and probably commit more violent crimes. 

I cant help but pray for my friend from so long ago, thirteen years is such a long time. 

Monday, September 3, 2012


i should be writing a tax memorandum, but as usual i find something more pressing to maybe a nap, it seems that is all i want to do these days is sleep.  I keep telling myself that is my body's way of healing from being sick for 2+ weeks, but i don't think that i can buy that lie anymore. 

My mind always wanders.  I am sad, wanting desperately to lift this fog that has entered my life. 

Fall is almost here and it is always my favorite time of the year.  I love it when the leaves change colors, the smell of colder weather, and i do love a sweater.  None of this makes me want to smile. 

As my bff would say, it is time to pull up my boot straps.  I just need to be a big girl and get over it!!!