Sunday, March 31, 2013

another long day

today is Easter Sunday, my husband and i totally blew off church and went back to sleep.  I really needed it and i am contemplating another nap. Yesterday, i spent my day fighting with computers and cleaning the wax off of fixtures.  I got about a fourth of the work done and more than likely wont be able to get them all completed before Thursday, which i wont beat myself up for.   Which is why my theory is, "time always runs out", you never get completely ready for a visit, time just runs out.  I used to work all nighters to try and get it all done, but now i either just don't care, don't have it to give, or really just dont have that burning need to exceed.  I think it is a little of all three. 

I have this guy that works for me and he is a pill head.  He used to do street drugs, then supposedly got clean, then started having back issues.  So, he has spent many months using his back as a crutch for his habit.  His wife is a recovering addict as well, i have a feeling he is the one that got her hooked.  She has been to jail trying to get him his pills and had to go to drug court.  The husband didn't go to therapy with her, i suspect so that he wouldn't have to look in the mirror and fight his own demons.  This has gone on for months/years, he has progressively gotten worse and now just sits at home, not showing up for work most of the time.  She had enough and left, he blames it on his financial situation.  His inability to show up for work has put his job in jeopardy, so Thursday when i had everyone else in and out of my office, he decided to try and call in.  Well, why stop when you are on a good, i just broke it down for him, he sounded so stoned.  I told him that he had better show up for work on time, be coherent, or i would send him home. I also asked him how old he was and it was about time he got his life together and took responsibility for his situation and his part in it.  I told him he was a pill head and that he sat around stoned all of the time, not showing up for work, and not contributing to his financial partnership with his wife.  I also told him that she stuck around a lot longer than the rest of us would have.  Yeah, well he showed up for work, half way sober. 

I did kick their butts Thursday, but i did give some hugs, and i feel much more cathartic and cleansed.  I usually let the anger build up in me until i just lose it and that was some of it, but i did take the opportunity to kick the crap out of some of them via their reviews.  My poor bather didn't get a single meet expectations on his review.  He is lazy and takes great pride in being lazy.  I usually try to candy coat the bad news, but i stated my expectations a few times and even bullet pointed my expectations at the end so that there is no room for misinterpretation.  It felt good to get some of the power back.

While we were at the cookie place, this lady shows up 45 minutes before closing wanting a big cookie for her Easter dinner.  The lady didn't have any, this customer was really upset about this, stating it was the desert for her Easter dinner.  I was thinking, no one wants a huge cookie that they have to share with everyone else, they are germ infested and lack variety, but this customer was basing her Easter dinner on this cookie obviously.  She grabbed the managers business card and walked out of the mall.  I am sure the manager cant wait for that phone call tomorrow morning, she will be needing my time machine. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

too long of a week

Mr B and i are enjoying the spring storm.  I love having french doors in my bedroom.  I can lay in bed while the rain nourishes the earth, enjoying the gentle rumbling of the thunder, and the occasional flash of light.  This is the peaceful evening that i needed to end my week of chaos. 

my boss showed up Tuesday, said my store looked great, but i am not pleased with the dust and dust bunnies.  Corporate auditor decided to show up on Wednesday and give me a 38 (yes, out of 100) on my audit.  Thursday, i had it out with my drama child, then sent her home.  I had a line of people in and out of my children just wore me out.  I am not sure how i managed to stay awake to make it home from BA last night, but thank goodness i did. 

Matt has been sleeping on the couch.  My sleeping is getting worse.  I am tossing and turning, kicking him multiple times, so he has just decided it is easier to sleep somewhere else.  I am sure this is why i am so tired all of the time.  I feel like i sleep well but obviously i am not.  This is probably why the last two mornings have been two coffee mornings. 

I am so thankful that i have just two more nights of taxes and then i am done.  I still haven't decided what i am going to do for the summer.  I have Monday to decide. 

I have an RVP visit on Thursday, then i am taking a week off.  I hope that i have the children lined out enough that there wont be major issues while i am gone.  Oh well, they will survive, one way or another. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

douche bags and peace

Jon Gosselin made Ed Hardy the uniform for douche bags...nothing says ghetto white trash like an air brushed t shirt.   It is a prerequisite that you must be wearing a straw hat with a feather attached by a roach clip when you stop at the local fair booth to get an airbrushed t shirt with you and your "old lady's" name written in every color of the rainbow while towing a newly won pink elephant stuffed with Styrofoam beads. 

The universal symbol now is the bluetooth headset worn at all times, regardless if you are using your phone or not.  I am so glad that i finally lost both of mine.  I went to a funeral a couple of weekends ago and someone wore theirs during the service.  I am hoping that someone was unable to make it and was listening on the headset.  I love that people are so important that not only must they carry a cell phone 24/7, but cannot be bothered with having to actually hold the phone to their ear, they must have both hands free.  The only explanation is that they are a crime fighter superhero who may be attacked at any moment, therefore must have full use of both hands to defeat the bad guy(s). 

The only thing worse than the consistent wearing of the bluetooth is the person who is using the headset, talking louder than anyone should on any type of phone call.  Since i am fascinated by people and their behavior, i freely eavesdrop (but it really isn't eavesdropping when someone is talking that loud) on conversations that are NEVER of any importance.  NO ONE is making a million dollar deal or saving the world, in fact most time these people struggle for things/people to talk about.  I think this is part of our multitasking society.  I think people are scared to be alone with their thoughts.  I have worked in retail for over two decades and most of that time in charge, people always wanting my time and attention.  I hate talking on the phone, send me a text, send me an email, heck...send me a letter, but don't make me talk on the phone.  I have spent a lifetime on the other end of a phone waiting for someone to get to their point or trying to decipher their needs.  I crave my peace and quiet, i must be alone with my thoughts, it is the only way that i achieve some kind of balance. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

the crow

i grew up in the country where the sounds of locusts in the summer was the concert of the season, a lullaby to fall asleep to.....i didn't understand until i was older that people actually went crazy listening to that sound

it also never occurred to me either that crows were a bad omen.  I like to hear a crow "caw", crows are spunky birds, having a cockiness to their walk, their jet black feathers with almost an iridescent quality to them.  I imagine that when a group of them are together "cawing" at each other, they are having a conversation, discussing the days events, or negotiating over their latest find.  Whenever approached they keep their distance with an ever present eye on the intruder, rarely will a crow fly away like the other timid birds.  I respect the bird with a strong personality. 

I went to high school in a town with many Indians where i learned of shape shifters and medicine men.  I am sure that they were told many tales of the crow. 

"Seeing a single crow is very unlucky. Two crows mean good luck! Three means health, Four means wealth, Five is sickness & Six mean death!"

i have an ex that swears when his mother died that a crow came and visited him while he was mowing, then he was called to the phone.  He says he already knew that someone was dead because of the crow. 

i believe that everything and anything can be taken as a sign....i have spent an entire lifetime waiting for the other shoe to drop and my life has become a self fulfilled prophecy of doom and gloom.  I am choosing to see the beauty and awe of the crow and let him be my spunky little friend that is a welcome distraction in my over scheduled life. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

the more the merrier

i subscribe to the theory that if one is good, then fifteen must be amazing. 

this must come from working retail and always having to wear a dress code of a certain color pants and some version of a mans oxford, polo, etc....  If i found a pair of pants that i liked then i bought at least five pairs to make it through a week and about once a year i would have to replace those and buy at least five new pairs.  This has become a challenge as of late, because i used to buy material that wouldn't have to be ironed, then the chino came back into style and with my more voluptuous body it looks as though i have to go back to ironing.  The poor people at the department store are probably trying to figure out what my scam is buying clothes, then realizing that it doesn't really work with my body shape anymore and then having to return them.  I feel as though i have gone back to the 80's again, rolled up pants, ballet flats, and a cardigan....all i need is a bad perm to complete the look. 

my problem child sent me a text on Saturday night complaining about her schedule and how she expected to have more time off.  I replied that i followed exactly what she and i have written in my calendar.  What i wanted to say to her was, come back, don't come back, no one really cares.  I am sure i will get to hear about all of the drama tomorrow when i get there, but today i am going to enjoy my day off, a clean closet, and pants that finally fit. 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

front row seat

i am too sentimental, i let my memories get tied to physical things, places, even weather

i was quite proud of myself today, i was very productive, but not by my own will.  Our washer has been having issues for the last year.  Sometimes it will actually spin during the spin cycle, but mostly it will just let the timer run, so you have to reset the timer and the second time it will spin.  I was pretty sure that the clothes probably weren't agitating so my husband and i went and bought a new one last week.  The company delivered it on Friday, my husband installed the new ones today and his dad took away the old ones to give to someone else.  My husband came in and asked me to clean the floor before he installed the new ones.  Nothing like having your in laws come over to make you clean your floors. 

I bought that washer and dryer in 2001, Jon helped my narcissistic boyfriend at the time install the set.  This was about a month before he ran up the bills, cheated on me, and left me for broke.  I had to pay for that dryer twice, once at the store and then had to pay him a second time when he left.  If there was ever any hate in my heart for someone, it is for him.  I don't think that anyone had ever broke me the way that he did, not even my ex husband.  It is comparative between 1st degree murder and manslaughter.  I really believe that the narcissist had premeditated our break up, he was just looking for someone to leave me for, which is fine.  I get that the relationship wasn't floating his boat, what i don't get is that we had gotten out of debt when we were living in the apartment.  He went and bought a truck that i foolishly put my name on, he put money back on my credit cards (another stupid move on my part), and we moved into a rental house.  If he was so miserable, why didn't he leave before i was back in debt again, trying to make him happy.  He was truly rearranging chairs on a ship that was sinking.  If he would have left while i was in the apartment, at least i would've have just been broken down and not broke to go on top of it.  I will NEVER understand why he felt that it was okay to hurt me the way that he did.  I was at least strong enough to not fall for his head games of "let's be one will ever know you the way that i do".  I thought, i saw the way that he spoke of and treated his wife, NO THANK YOU!!!  Wow, i was young and dumb.

I know in my head that forgiving is about not being held in bondage with someone else, but my heart just wants to be there to see the karma bus run him down.  I just cannot help myself. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

taking back the power

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”  Teddy Roosevelt

I found this to be very motivational, it defines all of the people in your life who heckle you for trying to strive for a better life.  It is the "they" that say "who does she think that she is?". 

I watched an interview with Brene Brown and she had done a seminar that was featured on TED.....i am not sure what this was, but obviously everyone else has seen or heard of it because she has lots of youtube hits.  She had read this quote and decisively decided that unless the heckler had or has been in the arena, they had zero credibility to criticize her.  I liked how she quoted this all from memory, word for word, and with such a conviction that i felt as though this quote could take you almost anywhere and through anything. 

I think that the darkness that has become my life since the end of summer is finally gaining some light.  I am so very thankful. 

Don't let your happiness depend on someone else. 

wasted resources

tonight the subject was about being a victim and the seeing situations through the eyes of a made me think of one of my employees and how quiet it has been since they have been gone and how i am NOT looking forward to the drama when they come back.  This was the person that i caught in the lie and my issue is that i believe people when they tell me things and when i catch them in a lie, i assume everything else they have told me is a lie as well.  I just don't understand why people have to make themselves seem bigger than they makes me wonder if there is something about me that seems so egotistical that people must make themselves seem better in order for me to accept them.  Either that or i have stupid written on my forehead.....thinking of some of my past relationships it is probably the latter. 

I am just not looking forward to the drama next week and the only solution that i see is to kill her (just kidding) or head it off at the pass.  My fear is that it will only get worse and that the only real solution is to get rid of her, which doesn't bother me, i hate the fact that i am going to have to waste the energy to have the conversation and the situation will remain the same. 

The best analogy that i have ever heard.  There are two types of people in the world, the people who want you to solve their problems and the people who just want to complain.  The person who told me this said "Brett borrowed five dollars from me.  Do I want him to pay me back?  No, I just want to have something to complain about."  I hate wasting resources on people who just want to complain. 

Monday, March 18, 2013


if you ever need motivation to clean an episode of hoarders

matt had gone through his closet and was able to get rid of a bag of clothing about a month ago and he challenged me to do the same.  I could barely drag myself from bed at the time.  I have a basket in my closet and when i find myself looking at a piece of clothing thinking "why do i own this", i throw it in the basket.  When i went to the funeral last weekend, my bff's dad's girlfriend thought that i was thinner than the last time she had seen me.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that i am not sure when i have weighed more.  I thought that i must look thinner because i was wearing clothes that fit and not clothes that i once had fit in to and didn't any longer.  I started last week with my work pants, i had at least 20 pairs and only 6 that i could wear, so i threw them in the basket.  Last fall, before i fell into my huge depression, i was out of control shopping, i had to move some of my clothes into matt's closet.  I swore that if i hadn't worn any of the items that i would give them away, i purged most of them.  I was able to load 3 garbage bags of my own items into my car last night.  I gave away the shorts that remind me i was once a size 8.  The dress that i would wear when i married the person who owned the rest of my heart, i hope that dress will bring someone else happiness. 

Amazingly enough, i was able to get up and get out of the house today.  I picked matt up for lunch, we went and dropped off our donated items, and i stopped at the mall to buy some clothes that do fit.  It motivated me to come home and try on all 18 pairs of denim capris that i assistant will now be the owner of 12 new to her capris.  I wont always be this size and will wish that i had some of the items back, but you cant grab something new when you are too busy grasping at the past.  Sorry, i have to let go or i am going to drown in my sorrow........goodbye.

bless your heart

"sorry 'bout that" is akin to saying "bless your heart"........the person isn't really sorry about anything and bless your heart is the southern way of telling you that you are a dumb ass and deserve whatever misery your drama has created

I have a new obsession....mug shots.  It started last week when i was trying to catch an employee in a lie.  In this part of the country we have websites that feature local mugshots.  If you start to feel bad about your lot in life, you can go to these websites and see some poor sucker who has it worse than you....and some people who have had it worse than you for a VERY LONG time.  I first look at the picture and try to guess how old they are, then look at their age, and what they were booked in for.  Poor kid this weekend was 20, trying to sell dope, bless his heart...he didn't look smart enough to get a coke out of a vending machine with exact change.  I also saw this lady who is two years younger than me and looked at least 60, she probably would have looked much younger if she had some teeth. 

Matt asked me to google my ex that i was seeing when i first met him and bingo, he had a very current mug shot.  I can say this, he hadn't aged much in the past six years since i have seen him.  It seems as if he had been caught drinking and driving not soon after i changed the locks, then was recently caught again under the influence driving, this time without a license.  I was actually shocked that he wasn't dead or afflicted with cancer in some hospital.....bless his heart. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

bright lights

i have satellite radio in my car and i spend time listening to talk radio (i know i am old).  I listened to an interview that i had heard before from a gentleman who was in a plane wreck.  He had 20 seconds from the time that the plane came to a stop to get out until the entire plane was engulfed in flames, he saw a man run up to him completely on fire with a confused look on his face.  The man was sure that he must be on fire as well and probably had the same look of confusion on his face.  He said that he turned around and looked in the plane and it was as if it were a dante's inferno, people were burning to death strapped into their seats.  He said that he could see a light leave their bodies, some lights were brighter than others.  That incident taught him to be more empathetic to other people and their plight, he wanted to be a better person, ensuring that a very bright light will leave his body when he dies. 

Two ladies had a conversation about dying, one wanted to know if they were going to die and the other wanted to die peacefully.  I would want to know for one reason, i have no clue what it is like to live life without anxiety and i really think that knowing when i was going to die (especially if it were soon) would take away the fog in my life and make the really important things clear.  When i smoked, it dawned on me one day that i wouldn't live long enough to retire so i probably shouldn't worry about it.  Watching my mother with cancer and how it had hit her financially is what made me quit smoking. 

I woke up yesterday exhausted, i struggled through my day, came home and fell asleep.  I truly wondered if normal people feel this exhausted EVERY day.  One of my assistant's sister is having a baby, she was taking off early to go and watch the ultrasound, she was very excited.  I stood and looked at her and said dryly "i really wished that i was excited about something".  I should have followed that with, except food. 

people watching

I am a people watcher.  I could sit for hours and watch people, they fascinate me. 

today matt took me to miss addies for lunch, i am smitten with their eggs benedict (my mother got me hooked).  It is a place where you will see little old ladies having tea next to the fire place and everything they serve is homemade and delicious.  A man came in with his wife, he is a fellow member of the optimist and a member of our church as well.  I don't believe i have ever seen him with his wife, but we greeted each other as they sat at their table.  The man is always a joker, always has a smile, and is a talker.  I am not sure if he and his wife exchange more than a few words during their meal.  I found it odd that she had brought and was actually reading a book until her food arrived, he just sat and drank his hot tea.  He finally turned in his chair to watch the food network, which they always show on the flat screen next to the bar.  This is when i pray that matt and i don't end up that way one day, having said everything that we need or want to say to each other so we just read a book or bury our head in technology. 

Since, i have one class and no homework this semester.  I have started reading again, the issue is that i have started 2 books that have been unable to keep my interest, so i have gone on to the next one.  The first was a memoir about a polygamist, the daughter of a man with 4 wives.  All i could think of was, i hope he had a good job to feed all of those people.  He was an alcoholic and all but three of his wives left him.  I did find it very interesting that women did not have the ability to get into heaven (unless they were an unmarried virgin, then they could be an angel of sorts), so they would marry a man that if he was "holy" enough, he would have many wives and be able to reach down and pull them into to heaven when they died.  The daughter ended up marrying into a polygamist family and all i could see is that there was going to be a lot of heartache for her down the road so i just stopped reading.  The second book was by Richard Stratton and it is almost a book of short stories that he wrote based on interviews that he did with people for magazines like rolling stones and high times.  The first was an interview with Norman Mailer, which i did read his wife's memoir, a ticket to the circus and they talked about Manson, a biography he did about Marilyn Monroe, the beatles, the stones, and even patty hearst abduction.  It is in the format of question and answer.  I hate those kind of articles, it is as if the writer wasn't smart or original enough to put the interview into some kind of thoughtful story.  It is lazy and i hate lazy.

I did make an appointment to go and see my shrink....she is at the OU medical center and it is at 8:30 am...when i am on vacation.  Oh well, it will be nice to have someone hear my symptoms, look at my meds, and hopefully get me started down the road to recovery.

The other night i was watching to an interview on tv and the dr said that being an adult was working through your issues of childhood.  I thought, dear god, i will NEVER die. It scared me so bad, that i had to take another xanax to go to sleep. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

doing better

I really think that i made the right choice this semester by only taking 3 hours and really have zero homework to go with it.   I needed the break and it is really nice to not have the pressure of homework and tests.  I just really hope that i can get back on track before the summer semester.  I have to decide soon if i am even going to take classes this summer. 

I did better this weekend.  I did take a long nap yesterday, but Matt motivated me to get up before evening so that i was able to get some errands done.  I had to pick up an order at Dillard's and i was able to get a pair of pants that doesn't make me feels as though i need to lay on the bed to button them.  I then came home and was able to get rid of some clothes that i hadn't worn even when i could fit in them.  I had a board meeting this morning.  I didn't feel like killing anyone which was surprising.  I came home, took a shower, and took Matt to his Dr apt.  We had a few errands to run then i took a nap.  I was able to get up and clean the house which is a good feeling.  I don't feel as lethargic as i was, but i still don't feel like i could make it a week without two days off in a row and at least one of those days being one i could sleep all day.

I remember one summer i lived with my mother and it was my job to vacuum the house either every day or every other day (i don't remember).  I had come home and did my chores only to find out that the vacuum wasn't working and she was irritated that i didn't notice that the vacuum wasn't working.  I remember her asking me if i would notice if i put on my make up and it didn't go on right.  I really wanted to tell her that the floor never had a chance to get dirty, so no i didn't notice that the vacuum didn't pick up anything (because there was NEVER anything to pick up), i thought she just liked that the pile all ran the same way.  It used to bother me when she would come in my house and look around as if she was going to get typhoid fever from being in such a dirty surrounding.  I am sorry if i don't want to spend my life vacuuming my house.  I don't have bugs (and even if i did, Fred would pull their legs off and they would eventually die), i am not being considered for the next episode of hoarders, and besides the animals don't care if there is some of their hair on the floor anyway. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

ice cream anon

today was a good day, i was able to spend time with my bff and the crew from high school......i did find a dress that would fit with the help of Lycra and pantyhose.  I did not break my neck with the heels, but i am sorry to say that when it was over i didn't have the nerve to hang around with my high school crew.  I could say something about never being able to go home again, but Checotah was never really my home.  I never really did belong.  Deedee had family there, now Katy graduated from there, her father practically lives there.  When we got back to Karen's she asked me if it was just her and i said no, i feel as though there are only two people who are genuinely happy to see me, Tabby and Joe.  I feel bad for not hanging around and eating lunch with them, but i thought i might be able to come home and spend time with my husband.  I was interrupting his viewing of WWII in color.  So, Chloe and I retired to the bedroom where i was able to get a nap. 

While i was at the funeral, my mother in law called me.  I called her back on the way home, she answered told me to hold on for a minute, asked me who it was, told me she was trying to open the garage door, then hung up on me.  The funny part is that she will call me tomorrow to say that she saw that i had called, to which i will reply, yes and you hung up on me. 

I am very proud of my bff, she hasn't had a drink since august 23 and she has been attending her AA meetings.   I wish i could find a self help group where i could air my dirty laundry to strangers, not care what they think, and not feel guilty for burdening them with my issues.  Maybe i can find an overeaters anonymous group, or an ice cream anon group.  I went to the doctor the other day and i am at 180, i have had to buy new clothes.  I love to shop, but find it wasteful to have a closet full of clothes that i cant wear because i have chosen to drown my sorrows in food.  The good news is that Matt doesn't seem to care if spend money on clothes or that i am little more round.  I just know myself well enough to know that when summer gets here and i am still wearing a size 16, it will make my depression even worse.

I must google shrinks and get this show on the road.  I will not spend the next eight months like i have spent the last eight.  I have to decide on a school load and i have to commit or i will NEVER finish my degree which will only further my depression. 

The funeral was good today, several people spoke, and had some great singers.  Ugh, but they moved the body to the back of the room by the exit.....leaving you no choice but to walk by and look at the dead.  I find that so obtrusive.  When i die, i don't want people i don't know to be lurking over my dead body.  If you would like to view my cold, lifeless body, then you may do so at the funeral home....but i will not force it upon people who come to support the family and pay their respects.  I am a pro at not looking at the body though, there was a gentleman to my right who i greeted and a lady at the end of the coffin that blessed me.  I just think that it is rude for me to be staring at a person who i haven't seen or heard from in twenty years.  This is a private moment to be reserved for close friends and family.  My bff loved the whole event, from the hats, to the singing, to the preaching, and the personal testimonials.....she decided that is how she wanted her funeral to be.  Unfortunately, white people cannot seem to dress appropriately for funeral like the black community does.  I loved the ladies in their hats, and the praising in the reinforces that god is good all of the time. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

the funeral

tomorrow is the funeral for one of my classmates.....

DeeDee and I are going, as always it will be bittersweet to see everyone.  One of the guys is having a get together at his house.  My BFF and i will go long enough to make an appearance but leave before we end up taking home too much baggage.  I just wish i wasn't so heavy, so finding a dress to wear was an adventure.  I am thankful for forgiving fabrics and Lycra undergarments.  I hope i don't break my neck in heels. 

My dad sent me a text today...."when god wants to do something nice for a person he sends them a FRIEND" to which i wanted to reply "when he wants a good laugh, he sends me a crackhead"

I did notice that the homeless guy that was set up by the vi-dock by the liquor store has moved to the next intersection.  Unfortunately, his sign is too small for me to read, but someone hooked him up with a nice his sign shouldn't say he is hungry. 

Matt took me to the doctor the other day.  I told him and the Dr to line up on the same side of the room so they could start kicking the crap out of me.  I haven't taken my ADD medication in over a week and had ran out of cymbalta.  My ADD prescription had ran out and my appointment was moved to the week after, so i thought i would just see how i felt not taking it and i didn't really think that the cymbalta was making any difference.  I was told to get all of my medication refilled and to finish my antibiotics for the abscess on the side of my head.  I was given a referral to a shrink in Tulsa and my dad got me a lead on someone as well.  It is so nice to finally feel as though i have the strength/energy to find some answers.  I don't ever want to go through another depression like i did last fall, that was horrible and i am not sure i could survive it. 

Monday, March 4, 2013


I found out this weekend that someone i graduated school with had passed away.  It is amazing that the older you get, the older your definition of old gets.  We all just thought how young he was and he had cirrhosis of the liver and several other problems.  He had spent 3 weeks in the hospital before losing his battle. 

I really didn't need any help having weird dreams, but thinking of all my high school classmates, made me dream of my high school sweetheart.  This was probably the first real episode of severe depression that i had after we broke up.  I don't really remember what the dream was about, but i do remember how much weight i gained after we broke up, how i could barely drag my behind from bed to go to school, only leaving the house to go to work.  I didn't spend any time with friends and if it didn't have to do with making or spending money than i wasn't interested.  I barely graduated from high school because i was unable to make it to school.  It was funny how my dream turned from my first love, to someone i dated in high school, to Jon. I need an exorcism, i cant seem to get him from my head.  I get up in the morning, thankful that i am not thinking of him and then i realize that i just thought of him.  Why is it that there is nothing more saddening than a relationship that was never able to be fulfilled.  It is easier to mourn a loss when both parties showed up and hopefully fought the good fight, but the relationship just wasn't meant to be, than the one that never had the chance to get off the ground. 

I remember bawling my eyes out watching message in a bottle, because i thought it was so sad that Kevin Costner and robin wright (Penn at the time) were unable to see where their relationship might have taken them.  The road untraveled almost.

Then i remember my past and the carnage of what has been my love life and remember that Jon is better off without me. 

I actually gave some sage advice the other day.  I told one of my employees that they shouldn't give to a relationship what they aren't willing/able to lose.  I made foolish choices with my heart and lost too much, now unfortunately i gave away what was left, but i was too scared to follow.  Decisions will be made for you, one way or another.....indecision is a decision. 

taxes and death

I finally got all of my stuff together for 2012 taxes....$14k in money spent on campaign stuff, doctor visits, prescriptions, and unreimbursed business travel, because i was so sick when i got back from Florida that i didn't have it to give to file my reimbursement before the deadline.  It is almost as if the year from hell is finally over.  I just have to wait for Missy to finish our taxes, sign them, and i can officially be done with 2012. 

This weekend went better.  I had to work the basketball game on Friday, went on Saturday to pay the workers and the person that was suppose to work the ticket gate with the change didn't show up until the last minute.  This is the problem with an organization that has too many chiefs and not enough Indians (which is usually the case).  It would probably be better if our president wasn't oblivious to the world around him.  It is almost as if he became president because he was the last man standing.  It was a cluster when i left Saturday, the ex president telling me that i would have to stay and work.  I told him that Friday night when i left everything was handled and i am going home.  Matt then proceeded to tell me that it was my fault technically because i am the treasurer and the money is my responsibility.  He then proceeded to bag on me about something else to which i asked if he was finished kicking my ass. 

As usual i did sleep all day yesterday, but managed to get up and clean up my disgusting house.  It is amazing how much better you feel when your house is clean.  I didn't have the option of sleeping today because i had to take Matt to the doctor in Tulsa.  His mother wanted to buy plaques for the winning contestants of the oratorical contest and the ex president wanted to do a ribbon or something.  She wanted to know if we had the money for plaques and then explained to me that it had already been shot down.  I then replied that in all fairness, it was the decision of the board and not the ex president to decide what we should or shouldn't do and if it were that important to her then she should come to the board meeting on Monday.  I hung up the phone and told Matt that his baby was making friends and influencing people.  I told him that the ex president was probably already not too happy with me since he told me that i had to work Saturday night and i told him i was going home.  Matt proceeded to tell me that he didn't believe what i was saying was true, that he had known this man for 15 years and had known me for 5, that i had just taken it wrong because i was tired.  Needless to say, the rest of our day didn't go too well. 

I haven't read much more of the book the five languages of love, but i have decided that i need to be affirmed.  This is why i have always been so driven, i spent most of my childhood feeling like an inconvenience and basically a screw up, when i found something that i did right, i became addicted like a drug.

My sisters birthday was this weekend.  She has been sending me texts to call her, but i am still fighting my own demons.   She thought it was about money that we spent on my nieces birthday gift.  Bless her heart, she forgets to eat and i haven't missed a meal.....aren't we a pair.  She wants me to come and spend the weekend and i know she is right, we really do need each other right now....but that would mean having to leave my bed and my cat and well.....i have become VERY attached to both on the weekends.  I don't even fake like i am going to church on Sundays.

I have stopped taking my ADD medication, partly because i ran out and my doctor closed their office early on my scheduled day to see him and partly to see if my attention issue is more because of my chemical imbalance and not due to ADD.  My doctor is going to be pissed come Wednesday, but he shouldn't be surprised by my self medicating ways.  I still haven't found a shrink. 

I did find someone who kind of understood what is was like growing up with someone who was in law enforcement.  I think my adoptive father took it to a whole new level.  Matt and I were talking about the Luby shooting in Texas that happened in the 80's and i remember that sending Butch over the edge.  I can remember him telling me that people "he put away" were getting out and they would come after him.   One of the guys thought that was probable....i doubt anyone was going to travel all the way from California to our one horse town and not immediately think they were in hell.  Oh my, he would tell me that they would shoot my dog and then take wonder i am filled with anxiety all of the time and cant watch the news.