Monday, February 24, 2014

the reading

".....when i was about your age my mother, your grandmother gave me, the prophet.  As you go through life these few pages will give you strength, comfort, wisdom, joy, understanding, and peace.  You are special.  We are very proud of what you are and the person that you will become.  We love you.  Your mom and dad."

this was the inscription that i read at the funeral.  my grandmother died 16 years ago on the day that we buried my mother. 

I read a passage from the prophet.  I had my heart broken and my mother told me that "the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." the prophet.

I am not too sure that this makes anymore sense today than it did that day, but i thought it was appropriate. 

packets from the past

Thursday, we drank coffee and made a list

pictures, must have pictures for the video.  my best friend and i went through the photo albums here and then went to her house to search for more pictures.  We found 147.  Then i found some of the pieces to my past.  There were four packets; ed, butch, Rodney, and misc.  I suppose when you know you are going to die you can prepare packets for people in your life.  I found love letters from my biological father to my mother and visa versa.  It all becomes relative.  My mother was born in 1949 and i was born in 72 and it seems as though their love affair had started 2 years before that.  She was 21 when she met my father. Some of the letters seemed to indicate that my father was married when their affair had started.  It was hard for me to see the woman that i knew as being hard and mean as a sexual being that was once soft and caring.  I haven't had it to give to make it to the other packets.  My sister went through her father's, my adoptive father's and it seemed that he had one last holiday with his first family before going back to California to be with my mother.  I have to remind myself that she was still in her twenties and had no clue that getting involved with a married man wasn't the wisest thing to do....if they will do it with you, they will do it to you.  I found it very ironic that their marriage ended because of his infidelity.  I am not much better.   I was a married woman sleeping with someone other than my husband but then again we had never consummated our marriage so i am not sure that is infidelity.  Semantics.  Sin is sin. 

I wrote the obituary.  I picked the songs for the video.  Good thing mother always said that funerals were for the living.  I picked the Beatles song, yesterday.  She hated the Beatles, thought they were to commercialized.  Bob Seger, turn the page, because i love that song and it was the only song that i saw my parents dance to.  Kate Bush, Woman's Work because sister and i have decided we want that song played at our funeral and a Neil diamond song because mother loved Neil diamond. 

The family aisle was made up of my dad and i, my boyfriend, niece, sister, and best friend. 

I guess you never truly feel like a grown up until a parent dies, then you realize that you have one less person in your life that has your back.  Then again I am not sure that she ever did. 

major life events

There are four major life events; marriage, divorce, birth, and death.

My mother died Wednesday the 12th at 1:50am.  My dad called me to tell me that hospice had called and she wasn't doing well.  I went to the nursing home and sat.  She had the death rattle and her temperature kept rising.  I know that i should have felt some emotion but 7 months of therapy has enabled me to let her go.  I know this sounds rash but i was very concerned about my father financially, we had no long term care insurance since no one with brain cancer lives this long and it was costing him $4k a month to keep her in the nursing home.

About midnight i grabbed a blanket and laid in the extra bed.  My dad told me to go home, there was nothing i could do for her and he would call me if anything new happened.  I told him i wasn't leaving him. 

Ironically when my ex husband left he took my favorite Scottie dog blanket.  Someone had made my mother a Scottie dog blanket and it was sitting in her wheelchair.  I slept with that blanket until 1:45 when the hospice nurse woke me up.  I walked to her bed and her eyes had finally opened.  Her chest heaved up and down more out of habit than for actual oxygen.  I kissed her on the forehead, tried to close her eyes while everyone around me tried to get a plan together.  My dad was confused since he no longer had mother to take care of and this had been his routine for so long.  He finally walked over and kissed her once again and told her there was nothing he could do for her now.  I grabbed my new blanket, walked with my father to the car and called my boyfriend. 

The most awesome thing was that my boyfriend (sounds weird to say) and best friend have been friends since we were all freshman.  They already had a plan together.  They showed up early and didn't leave me for the entire day.  I think that my best friend cried more than i did.  I didn't actually cry until the day we met with the preacher to talk about the ceremony and he said a prayer.  I think this has more to do with my feeling that i disappointed God than it did with my mother passing. 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The hitman

"And that is above all else the absurdity of it all;  I have never controlled anything or anyone. If I had things would have gone differently. I never tried to control you and you know it, that's you making excuses for your own failures. I won't be that for you anymore. I could care less about anything else left in that house now including you. I have tried caring to my last ounce of strength and if you keep spitting in my face i don't need you. Good bye and good riddance."

This was my 7 am text.

Unfortunately now all I have to do is deal with him on the taxes.

I now know why people just hire a hit man.

Saturday, February 1, 2014


I have spent my life with people who I have allowed to violate my boundaries.

Skippy moved out almost a month ago.  I have had to ask several times for my garage door openers. He has not a clue why I am not comfortable with this.

Yesterday he took it upon himself to let himself in the house after I told him I wasn't comfortable with his coming and going as he pleased.  So I took it upon myself to change the locks, the code to the remote, and put his crap on the front porch. 

I was trying to narrow down a time yesterday when he planned on coming and getting his stuff.  The answer I finally received was yesterday or today.  I was told today that I was being "very adult".

He asked me what I wanted done with the remote.  I told him I was done with him, the remotes, and the situation.