Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Am I crazy

I feel as though I am going crazy.   I went to see my therapist yesterday and felt like I was in a tail spin.   Today I get up and feel totally different.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as though I am going to climb Mount Everest, but I was able to get out of bed without feeling as though I am walking through quick sand.

So I feel like an idiot making everyone change their life around so I could go to the doctor.  

I get to the doctor and asked her if I am crazy?  

So I am upgraded from mild depression with general anxieties to full blown depression. 

I always love it when they ask me if I have issues with energy.  Yeah, since I was like 9.  I don't ever recall not being tired.   I don't even think my parents gave me a bedtime because I was asleep before 8.

Monday, October 28, 2013

bad day

today was a real low, I really thought that my year of depression was coming to an end and today I went to see my therapist and all I wanted to do was cry.  I just don't understand how I can care so little about myself that I cant even take a single step to do the things that she has told me that will make me feel better.  She said that it wasn't because I didn't care enough about myself, it is because the depression has sucked all of the energy out of me.  She was so concerned that I must go back again tomorrow and see my doctor.  I feel as though I am trying to move in quicksand, everything is such a struggle.  Saturday I was so exhausted that I forgot to wear my glasses to work.  I struggled with my homework yesterday, struggling with the same problem over and over again.  It all made me doubt whether I was choosing the correct career path for myself. 

She was impressed that I didn't let all of the mean comments on Facebook about me not get to me.  At one point in time that would have eaten me alive.  It did for a moment, then I really thought about those people's character and they don't have the type of character that is even in the same league as me to judge me. 

She asked me about being in the drivers seat and if that was bothering me.  I told her no that it really just made me angry that this person was still in my life, following my blog, sending me a Facebook message, calling me to tell me they were there then falling off the face of the earth.  This isn't relationship ale carte', you don't get to pick which parts you want to participate in, it is all or nothing.

I am the people pleaser, always have been, it means more to me than anything else in the world.  My boss called me and told me to get my payroll under control.  I didn't make a single change.  He sent me a nasty gram about it on Friday, and I just hit delete.  This is totally not me, I am the model employee if you tell me to wear green socks on Thursday, I am asking what shade. 

I almost didn't go to therapy today.  I just wanted to stay in bed.  Last night, it dawned on me at 8pm that I hadn't eaten anything but crap all day and I got up to make dinner. 

I did call someone the b word today, well the f'ing b word.  Which makes me realize that I am still have issues about being thrown under the bus by someone at my last employer.  I don't know why I am letting it upset me so much, because I have done the same thing she has done. 

I have said it before, you dislike the things in other people that you dislike the most in yourself. 


Saturday, October 26, 2013

feeling like a rock star

we all know how much I love the panhandlers in my community.  Today there was a guy standing on the corner with his sign and a gas can.  I first thought it was a red donation box, which would have been innovative but no he was waving around his gas can. 

I had the pleasure once of working with the best man I have ever known. He had came to work and was approached by a guy who was panhandling for money to buy gas with his gas can in tow.  He asked me if I had a gas can in my car.  No, I have never ran out of gas.  He said that his son had a gas can in his car and he always ran out of gas.  Sad part is this was when gas was still below $2.00.  Wonder how much the sales of gas cans rose with the price of gas.

I actually got to feel like a rock star the other day.  It seems as though every street in this town is under construction.  I was late and tired when I left work the other day, one side of the street was closed and traffic was backed up a mile.  I thought forget this, so I drove between the cones and drove in the closed lane.  Others followed suite and we all got home a little sooner than we would have, it was a nice feeling.  I am just glad that I didn't pass a cop along the way. 

I saw the craziest thing last night on TV.  I was watching catfish and this guy was trying to decide whether to leave his current girlfriend for someone he met online.  The guys said they would only get involved if he broke things off with his current girlfriend.  He had the conversation with her and so they arranged for him to met the person he had been texting with, it was a guy.  He was a psychopath.  He pulls up in this car and gets out doing this slow clap.  I suppose he thought he was the police of all online cheaters.  Supposedly his girlfriend had been with guys who had cheated on her so he thought it was his job to punk these guys that were looking to cheat.  They finally went to the guys house the next day, he was just as crazy.  I never saw a girlfriend.  He then said that this guy was different, so they asked if he was gay and he said maybe.  He probably has his girlfriend locked in the basement or he killed her and is practicing taxidermy. 

Sad part is that this guy really reminded me of someone from my past and it made me realize that I don't have good judgment when it comes to people in my personal life.  This guy had a lot of issues, a self esteem issue, and he was VERY angry about it and I am sure in a narcissistic way he had a way of blaming everyone else in his life for his issues. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

at the breaking point

so I am still emotionally and physically exhausted from last weekend.  I hate strife in my life....not sure why I thought management was my calling.  Yet, here I am. 

I was so thankful to get home from church and be able to crawl into bed.  I still haven't worked on the friend thing.  I did talk to my sister last night, we laughed for about an hour. 

Saw one of Butch's ex girlfriends mug shot on the internet, she is only three years younger than I am, she was thrown in jail for carrying a firearm and having a suspended license.  LOVELY!!!  

I did go to the jail today and get my background check and fingerprints for my conceal carry license.  I guess it isn't a conceal carry, since the state is now open carry.  I just have to go and get a passport photo made.  I am so glad that I have never been thrown in jail, every time I heard one of the doors slam shut it just made me jump.  I am not sure that there are people out there say that they are made for jail, but I can tell you that I am defiantly not one of them.  I was very thankful that they don't use ink anymore for fingerprints.  I would have had a hard time explaining that when I got back to work.  Then there was this secret thought that I won't ever be able to commit a crime without being caught because they now had my fingerprints.  What if I am falsely accused of a crime????  I must always have an alibi.  Um, this was my clue to start taking my anti anxiety medication like I am suppose to. 

My father is freaking me out.  I know that mother is sucking the life out of him, but my skin is not thick enough to deal with her.  He has to have some relief though.  I cant even imagine what it is like to watch the woman that you love fade away right before your eyes.  I feel as though I cannot get away from it, I have to deal with it on both sides of my family.  My mother in law has dementia, which will turn into Alzheimer's.  My mother might as well have Alzheimer's.  On top of that she has zero mobility and like my mother in law, cannot sit still.  I half way expected my mother in law to get up and wonder around during church tonight.  She will start cleaning up the table, start fiddling with her purse, put on her lipstick, blow her nose. 

God, I am really not sure what the lesson is here, but I am already close to losing my mind.....I really cannot handle much more.  Oh and can you send me a friend?

Monday, October 21, 2013


I am exhausted after the weekend.  Saturday ended up with a shouting match.  HR basically said that if we went to court we would lose.  It is perfectly okay to badmouth your boss on Facebook, which I am fine with.  LP will get involved with the giving away of things.  I ended up the day feeling good about the situation but was frustrated by her inability to take responsibility for any of the reasons with why I was not going to promote her.  My other manager said that was just how people were these days, unable to take responsibility for their own actions.  Oh well.  I told her that I would do whatever I could to help her find another job. 

So far I have been proud of myself for not internalizing the remarks from all of the former employees who think that I do nothing and that I am a bad manager.  I was upset about this on Saturday, but then I thought of the character of the people who were bad mouthing me and realized that they were not people of character and their opinion meant nothing to me.  Really, I am suppose to sit around and think of all of the people who don't like me????  I am not paying you to be my friend.  I am paying you to do a job. 

My therapist says I need to get out and get more something other than work going for me. The issue is that after I spend all day with people, I don't want to have to go out and spend more time with people who I may or may not like.  I am sick of wearing the mask.  I tried to find an overeaters anon meeting, but the closest one was 45 minutes away.  I thought of getting involved with a group at the church, but I am concerned about my inability to say no.  Everyone my age has kids, I don't have any kids and it is hard to relate to their issues.  Matt and I got in the elevator and I told him that we needed to get friends, he said "I don't want any friends", my reply was I don't either.  I must find something else to focus on besides these bloodsucking employees that I have.  I would ignore them but I am too scared that if left to their own devices I would end up in another depot issue.

I was good, feeling good, feeling relaxed on the way home.  Then my husband brings up work and the issues I have.  I smacked him and told him thank you, now I am stressed.  This is why I don't talk about my work. 

guilt and shame

"When we sin, guilt is the right response. Guilt is used by God to show us our need for him.  Guilt is not our problem.  If we all felt guilt, we would admit wrong and run to God for help.  But that's not what we do.

  We feel guilt for not measuring up, but then we feel shame on top of that.  And shame is a different thing altogether.

Guilt says I did wrong.
Shame says I am wrong.
Guilt deals with behavior.
Shame deals with identity.
Guilt leads to repentance.
Shame leads to hiding."

Emily P Freeman Grace for the Good Girl

Friday, October 18, 2013

put my faith in God

Apparently, I need to sit down and think about all of the people that dislike me....

My department manager felt the need to go to the internet and air her dirty laundry, which our company has a strict policy against.  Tomorrow I get to put her on administrative leave, I figure she will throw her keys at me anyway.  I guess I should start practicing to duck.  In the airing of her dirty laundry I was called the worst manager ever. 

I remember why I got involved in management all of those years ago.  I had worked for bad managers and I wanted to positively effect people lives.  I wanted to treat people right.  I am now figuring out that cannot be accomplished if you want people to actually work for their paycheck.  I will never understand people and their mediocrity.  It is like I have said before, sometimes you want more for people than they want for themselves.

If all works out well, this person will be gone instead of making my life a living hell until she either leaves or I get rid of her. 

I was so not looking forward to having to go through more drama the next few weeks.  I am thankful to God for taking care of my situation and reminding me that I just need to put my faith in him and remember that he always has a plan. 

I just don't understand why I just can't run a good store, have happy employees and not have any freaking drama!!!!

Thursday, October 17, 2013


well, I finally bit the bullet today and told my department manager that she wouldn't become my new assistant.  She then told me she would be looking for a new job and then left early. 

This is what I do.  I come home and feel guilty because I have made someone upset and now they are angry with me.  When in reality they are the ones that made the decisions to do stupid things (going out with employees, making out with one, relinquishing an animal so that the company would pay for the surgery on the animal, taking items that were to be destroyed) and I have pointed out every year that I have issue with this kind of integrity.  I told this person that I just cannot put myself in a position where I cannot trust their judgment, I have burned by that and I am not about to let myself be put in that position again. 

Honestly with all of this being said, it is probably better that she leaves.  I just hope that it is quick and painless.  I hope that I am not graded on turnover this year.....because I am going to just fail. 

Today was a good day, even with the drama. 

I think that yesterday put things into perspective.  I have a good quality of life.  I don't have to depend on someone to get me from point a to point b, physically.  The flip side of that coin is that I don't have a ton of sympathy for people when they are complaining about things.  There was a young man who stood up last night at church and said that his mother died when he was six.  That is horrible.  He spoke of being addicted to online porn and drugs.  He was probably barely in his twenties, not old enough to have that much baggage.  My heart went out to him.  At least I am 41, I had 35 more years than he had.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

doctors visits and sympathy

I went to the doctor with my mother today. 

The doctor told her that the tumors don't look as though they have grown much, but from the last two scans she has what looks like an aneurysm.  She needs to have a MRA to confirm.  The doctor looked at her either as a miracle or a dead person, I couldn't quite tell.  He could tell her quality of life was not good.  The aneurysm isn't what is causing her headaches, loss of vision in her right eye, or her loss of equilibrium.  She had to use her wheelchair to get to the doctor's office and then she kept trying to get out of it and had to have help to do that.  The plan is that she gets the MRA then she needs to see an oncologist for her lung cancer, not that there is really anything that can be done.  The doctor said there is nothing to be done for the tumors either. 

The day went well.  I am exhausted and I don't even have to deal with her every day.  She did laugh when my dad said that she would outlive him and I said that would be God's way of punishing me.  I did get to hear her wicked laugh.  I am not sure if she understood what I was saying or was laughing because this was her plan. 

I spent my morning at work comparing everyone's complaint to "is your mother dying of cancer"....no?, sorry no sympathy here. 

I had a lady come in and want a price match on litter then want a carry out, telling me about her bad back the entire time.  Sorry, you aren't dying, shut up. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

the grim reaper

my mother has decided to go and see the doctor tomorrow.  I offered to go but in the end it was decided that it might make the situation worse, so I will just try to stay busy at work.  I don't know what I expect from tomorrow, a timeline for when this can all end. I cried tonight, I am not sure if it was for her or for me or just the situation.  I mostly want some peace for my dad who has taken the brunt of her anger, who has cleaned her up after she has crapped all over herself.  Has taken over the household chores, worked, and now refers to her calling him an asshole as a term of endearment.  Maybe I cry because I want the end to be near, I want to remember her laugh and wicked sense of humor.  I don't want to remember her as she is now, confused and unable to complete small tasks. 

I think that I finally understand why people cut to relieve the pressure.  It is as if it has all built up so much inside that there is no where else for the feelings to go. 

I did get into the drivers seat today.  I took a step to control my future instead of letting other people control it.  If you want to have a conversation with me, it will have to be without the safety net of electronics, you will have to call.  You will have to hear my voice, the hurt, and the disappointment of promises that weren't followed through.  The anger that has been long overdue. 

I feel that death is leering closely and my husband has been very lucky to live this many years with uncontrolled diabetes.  He had another insulin reaction tonight and I was at class.  It would have been hours before I would've arrived home to find him and this scares me.  I am prepared to bury my mother, but I don't think that my depression can take losing my husband too. 

Monday, October 14, 2013



this is the video of Johnny Cash singing a NIN song "hurt" not too long after his wife died.  It has to be one of the emotionally rawest songs I have ever heard and it will always be my favorite. 

I can identify with his pain on a different level.  I have never had someone really close to me die.  I have had grandparents, but I have never lost my best friend or a parent (not literally). 

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel" that I get.  I know it is a reference to drugs but sometimes I wonder if I can feel anything other than sadness, irritation, and anger. 

"everyone I know goes away in the end" one way or another.  I either push them away, leave them, or they leave me (usually emotionally way before they do physically). 

today was not a good day, if you couldn't already tell

I sat down and asked my therapist, if this was it, is this all there is to life.  Excelling at work used to make me happy until I realized that success is "what have you done for me lately".  When I left my last job I was number one at almost everything.  I told my boss, that "in a year, no one will remember what we did here".  He replied that he had hoped people would remember. I am sure that they forgot the minute I walked out the door.  School used to make me happy, now I cant wait for it to be over. 

I go to work, I come home (go to class or church) depending on the day and I come home to crawl into bed.  Rinse and Repeat.  I know that I have no one to blame for my situation other than myself.  I need to stop putting the key to happiness in someone else's pocket. 

I sometimes wonder if it just in my genetics to be unhappy. You meet people all of the time that are happy, as if they have never had a bad day in their life.  I pointed out the receptionist at the office, even with crazy patients, she just laughs it off.  Then I said, she probably goes home and drinks a 12 pack. 

Sad part is, I am sure people think the same thing about me when I am at work.  I must play the part, put on the mask....because when you work with the public, no one cares if your life is crappy as long as you give them the service they deserve. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

working with the public

I think that everyone should have to work with the public for at least one year of their life

I have started a process called a group interview, every Wednesday at 2pm people come in and fill out a basic two page information sheet about themselves, their experience with animals, and why they want to work for me.  I am not really sure why I have them fill it out except that it gives me time to get other things done while they are being busy.  I then come and join the circle and tell them about myself and why I decided to join the company. I had three people show up Wednesday, one of my people texts me to tell me she thinks that one of them is a vampire.  I walk over to join them and the girl is on her phone.  The guy closest to me seems normal, but the guy in the middle is dressed all in black, has these long, nasty finger nails.  He then proceeds to tell me that he has issues with his hands because he is an expert swordsman.  He knew everything about everything.  I wanted to tell him that I was sorry that he couldn't work for me because he got on my nerves.  He did tell me that if he didn't get the job that he was going to camp out on my awning and throw his swords at dogs as they came in....he might have been serious.

I had a lady call me on Tuesday and tell me that she had bought six parakeets and had them in a cockatiel cage.  She bought them so that they could entertain her cats but it just wasn't working out because her cats were trying to eat the birds.  She wanted to bring them in and relinquish them to us, to adopt them out to a good home.  I still haven't seen her.  I am hoping that her cats didn't eat the birds. 

Today I received a settlement check from a class action law suit for a bank that was charging overdraft fees improperly.....it was $2.13....woohoo, Vegas, here I come. 

My last gossip child gave her notice today.  Now I just have to pick my assistant, hope my other department manager doesn't quit and either change my new department manager or hope she quits too.  I really hate to see my turn over this year, but it is amazing how much better I feel that I have people around me that are positive, fun, and not there to cause as much chaos as they can. 

I dropped one of my classes this semester.  I am disappointed in myself but I really feel like a weight has been lifted now that I only have one class to focus on and it is leaving me time to focus on myself and enjoy some down time.

My dad has decided to run for DA.....so it is back to the campaign trail that I go!!!!!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the dysfunctional christmas letter

I had an early appointment with my psychiatrist then an afternoon appointment with my therapist.  I probably should have spent that time studying but I went to the mall instead. 

I decided to have lunch and there was an elderly couple that was being held hostage by a guy at a table next to mine.  He was talking about his passport and it was going to expire in a year and a half and he didn't know what he was going to do about it.  He was talking about Michelle who was home schooling her children.  Someone else who had a new job and was training in san Diego.  I don't think that the elderly couple said two words in the time that it took for me to get my sandwich and eat it.  The guy reminded me of one of those obnoxious Christmas letters you get from people you really don't know but they feel the need to tell you about all of the great things going on in their life the past year since they sent you the last annoying letter.

This is how my family's letter would go....

Brother was thrown in jail for stalking his married girlfriend when she kicked him to the curb for a new boyfriend.  Uncle decided that he wasn't "regular" enough and so he drank an entire bottle of milk of magnesium and prune juice, then proceeded to crap all over himself.  His brother had to come over and clean him up.  Sister is trying for the world record of breaking bones.  Me, well, I have spent a small fortune on doctors to try and dig me from this depression that has taken hold of my life for the past year.  Hope you have a very Merry Christmas. 

in the drivers seat

I love that my therapist always calls me on my crap.  I was telling her about a situation that had happened over the weekend and she looks as me as says "why didn't you tell this person how angry you were".  Why, because I minimize my feelings to not hurt anyone else's.  She was asking if I was done with the situation and I was being non committal.  I would find it hard to trust this person because of the way I was treated before and that there were other factors that would make the situation not work and I know me, I would be too scared to commit.....blah, blah, blah. 

She looks at me and says "wouldn't it be nice to be the person in the drivers seat of your life".....what a unique thought.  I have always taken what people were giving.  It never occurred to me to ask for more. 

I realized how alone I had felt this past year.  Sunday I was watching Brene Brown and there was a lady that had her husband listen to one of her talks (it was 9 hours), she had been married for 23 years, she said they were on a road trip and they would stop the lecture and talk to each other like they never had in all of the years that they had been married.  Earlier in the day I had tried to get my other half to read something and he wouldn't for some reason.  Brene said that if your other half doesn't have 43 minutes to watch the life class, 10 minutes to watch a TED talk, or 2 minutes to read something then you need professional help.  I asked my other half to come in and listen to that part of the show.  He didn't get it, I said that is how I felt when you wouldn't read something that I had asked you to.  We had a long conversation that made me realize that he finally gets that I have abandonment issues.  I finally asked for what I needed and told him that I realize that I married butch and if he wasn't capable of giving me what I needed that I totally understood, but I was not willing to live the rest of my life like this.  I was giving him an out, he isn't built to be touchy feely and that is what I need to survive.  Time will tell.

Turn the page.  I always feel that actions speak louder than words.  Don't tell me that you are here for me then fall off the face of the earth for a week, that isn't my definition of being here for me....that is having your cake and eating it too.  Which my gut tells me is exactly what is happening. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Cashing out

Lately the song that I sing in my head is "I want to be sedated".  A friend tells me though that you really don't get the good drugs at "the nut hut" as he calls it.

I believe I have won the bad wife of the year award.  I kept telling my husband that he needed to get up this morning and he ignored me.  I thought he was just not talking to me. .... Nope, having an insulin reaction.   I walked out the door and went to my doctors appointment.

I have two regional visits at the end of the week and I am becoming paranoid because of krysis and their hot line calls.  
My mother had her doctors appointment and the doctor didn't show.   I wish I could call in as much as doctors do.  The appointment was rescheduled and she says she isn't going back because she knows it is bad news. 

It makes me ponder if I was going to die, would I want to know when?  I really think I would.  I would cash out, sell the house, and go live on the beach somewhere.  I wouldn't worry about flies or weeds.  I would put my butt in the warm sand and my feet in the water with my animals in tow. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013


"be prepared to modify your plan.
It'll be good for you!"

this was my fortune cookie last night

so..what kind of plans do I have?
I plan for retirement, if cancer doesn't get me first.  I am hoping that since I quit smoking that I have greatly reduced my risk.

I plan to finish school....hopefully before I turn 50

I am starting to plan my exit strategy, which will probably not be a very well executed plan more like an opportunity taken.

oh well, that is about as much time as I am going to spend on that fortune cookie. 

yesterday I realized how absolutely lonely I have felt for the last year of my life and I am sure that has not helped my depression.  I cried that I actually meant something to another human being and for once I didn't want to just fall off the face of the earth,  I spent the entire day in a house with no one to talk to except the animals, Facebook being my only social contact and to receive a phone call from someone who just wanted to hear the sound of my voice.  Wow.  I found myself smiling last night.  What?  A smile that isn't part of the mask that I have learned to wear in public so that I don't disappoint people, that would be absurd.

I then remind myself that I still have lots of work to do and I cant make any major changes for a year....blah, blah, blah.  My therapist is going to have a lot to digest tomorrow.  I have to deal with my mother dying, I cannot check out any longer and time is ticking.  I just don't want the day to come and to be filled with regrets. Unfortunately, she is the shell of the person that she was and that talking to her would be like talking to other people in my life...more dialogue, but would still end up not getting my point across and become frustrated.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

final insult

I had lunch with my dad the other day, we were discussing how mean my mother had become.  Unfortunately that was the side that she always showed to me claiming it was to keep herself from being hurt. Rodney's mother was mean to him and ironically it always made my mother mad.  I couldn't understand because I thought she was just as mean.  We were talking and I pointed out to him that he had married his mother.  We all have a MO of people that we date and usually they resemble the opposite sex parent. 

As hard as I tried not to, I married Butch.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable for me and unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, always blaming someone else (usually me).  Someone who is always saying they are going to do something and rarely follow through.

Lord, I do not want to be divorced again.  My therapist has made me promise to not make any big decisions for the year that we are in therapy. 

Let me drag out my crystal ball and tell you how this is going to end.  My mother will die, he has already said that if it has to do with my mother that he doesn't care,  This will be the final insult. 

focus your energy on the more positive things in life


yes, I know that I am suppose to be the bigger person, but sometimes it is nice to get a zinger in once in a while. 

I used to be the queen of sarcasm until one day someone pointed out that it was rude, unnecessary, demeaning, and not very Christian.  So I have kind of added that to the category of gossip...nothing positive ever comes out of it.  I have tried to explain this to people in my life, but they don't see the harm in it, so against my wishes and feelings they continue to be hateful to me (really, that is what sarcasm is...a funny way to be hateful).  I especially dislike it when I am trying to be nice to someone and think of their needs.  I was walking through a dark parking lot last night, my car has the nice feature of auto start, so I started the vehicle so that my guest would know that was where we needed to go and maybe the light would help.  We are standing 4 cars from the vehicle and I said (trying to be helpful) that the vehicle was the one with the lights on and I got the sarcastic reply of "they all have their lights on", not true, mine was the closest one with the lights on and since you rode with me I thought that you might have an idea of where the vehicle was parked.  I lost my temper at that and said it is the one right there.  We get in the car and it still amazes me how you can treat people however the feeling strikes you, but when someone else is short with you, there is hell to pay and a speech to go with it. 

I will never understand how someone can say they love you and with the same mouth call you mean things.  People in this day and age have a sense of entitlement that is hard for me to understand.  I have worked for most everything I have, I have been very lucky to work hard and had some people along the way give me a chance to prove myself.  In my world your actions far exceed your words, so you cant tell me how much you love me and then call me a bitch,  It just doesn't work that way. 

I am thankful to God for shielding my heart from these insults and I focus my energy on more positive things in life. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

dear lord

so throughout my childhood therapy sessions and the blame that I have spent my life assigning, there is one person that I have left out.  One person who long ago I mourned the loss of our relationship and spent years blaming myself for not being enough to fight for.....my mother.

things got better around the time of my first marriage and she was supportive until she wasn't.....my ex and I had gone back and forth so many times that everyone was sick of it, my mother looked at me one day and said that I needed to go and make it work. It didn't and she was supportive to come and get me, bring me home until I got a job and moved to Tulsa...back in with my ex.  I had such a need to be punished that I could not let that relationship go, I didn't think that I deserved better and one day he would really change, proving that I was special...because I sure as heck didn't believe it. 

i think that in between the time that my mother had lung cancer and developed brain tumors that we probably had the best relationship that we would ever have.  I am glad that i had that time, but she has been radiated and cut on so much now that i don't even recognize her.  My dad called me today and said that the tumors are back, bigger, and may have even multiplied. She may have even had an aneurism. 

I had a long lunch with my dad last weekend and we spoke about her quality of life and his.  I always feared my mother, she could cut through my heart with a look, and he really thought that she had morphed into the person that she had always been without any of the pleasantries.  I always thought that he was lucky to see a side of her that most of us were never lucky enough to know. 

Dear lord, please forgive me, but her quality of life is horrible, please take her to be with you, her work here is done.  I know that i must heal my own wounds about our relationship and i have come to terms with the fact that we wont ever be close like some mother/daughter relationships.  I am fine with this, please let her go see her mother and be at peace for once in her life. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

adjusted outlook

well....between spending the weekend sick and printer issues (which I fixed, thank you very much).  I didn't do much for my birthday weekend.  I was suppose to go and have dinner with my in laws on Monday, but it was like I could only do one task at a time and then had to take a rest.  I did make it to class last night and realized that I might actually be an accountant. 

I really don't think I realized how much the toxic people in my life have just sucked the life out of me for the last year.  I hate to say it, those people have made me different to my employees.  If all you want to do is cause strife in my life, then please don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.  I had that conversation with an employee yesterday.  She started crying and telling me how she had PTSD and wasn't medicated and had all a lot of personal issues.  I just wanted to say "Lady, I have been diagnosed with it all".  I did tell her that I have spent the last year with a debilitating depression which I am either at work, in class, or in bed.  I don't feel as though any of them care about me or my issue.  I try my hardest to ensure that they get the schedule they want and I don't feel as though I get any consideration.  I know, I just transferred my feelings from other issues to my employees, but I don't really feel like bending over for people anymore.  How does that saying go?  Don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't walk across a puddle for you.  That is exactly how I feel about people these days.  Dustin tells me I am a ray of sunshine.  I feel that it is just reality.  My therapist keeps telling me that I need to look at my childhood and accept it for what it was, not what I deserved or what it should have been.  Maybe this is just how I have adjusted my entire life outlook.