just tired

lets catch up shall we

I receive a random message from my estranged step day on oct 20th...happy birthday and anniversary, belated. They were out of the country at a conference. Now, I can come and get my mothers plaques. My sister suggest that my husband goes and gets them. Great idea. Joe goes on the first day because we don't want to wait too long like we did last time and not get them. He doesn't have them but he does at least ask about me. Joe goes on his next day off, I am so thankful to have a part of my mother. The package has my name as brook...I just celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary, joe was told that these plaques were suppose to go to me when I worked at Petco. Deep breath, whatever. 

joe was looking for an empty box and came in with this really fancy box, I thought sydni had ordered something. a few days later, joe says something about cookies in the fridge. syds friends are always selling something so I just thought it was a fundraiser. joe brings me the box and it is a present from Rodney and his wife. I send them a text thanking them because I don't want to seem like the spoiled brat that he has made me out to be. last night I get a text "test, test, test". 

okay, you cannot be another absentee parent that shows up three years later with a teddy bear when I am nine and act like everything is okay.

I cut myself twice and you told me that you couldn't help me and that I needed to find god.....Halloween cookies aren't going to make that disappear.

if you want to be an adult and have an adult conversation, ask. 

I am tired of games.

birthday reality

my birthday was Saturday....

I am so bipolar when it comes to my birthday. I want everything and nothing. Joe went and got me flowers, a card, and took me to breakfast. We went and watched my nephew play soccer. We came home and took a nap. Joe's alarm kept going off which I am to the point I would rather hear nails on a chalkboard than an alarm.

I told joe that I wanted cupcakes. Sydni finally went to the store and bought cupcake stuff and make them for me. I was so annoyed but then became annoyed at myself for having expectations for a day that I didn't tell anyone that I wanted something.

The pity party showed up Saturday night when I have two men that raised me as their daughter and neither one had even sent a text to say happy birthday. Yes, I get that I am a hypocrite. My sister being my advocate called my dad and told him that it was his daughters birthday and hung up. I still didn't get a phone call. Actually that was probably a good thing because his crazy wife would have made it all about her and how the world has wronged her.

lesson...be more clear about birthday expectations..except the expectation that your dads will acknowledge you

missing my childhood

I heard neil diamond the other day. my mother adored neil diamond.

today on the way back from my therapists, I had google play some neil diamond. She had an album when I was younger and she would play it and I always tried to find the song and never had any luck. It was the first song that played today. it was a beautiful day today, a day that she really would have liked.

I am still finding pennies and thinking of her. after the plaque hostage situation last month, I was a bit shaken. I found quite a few pennies. I dismissed one because I found it on the floor at the dollar tree and it was right in front of the register. I thought about keeping it but then suddenly became concerned what the people behind me would think so I gave it to the cashier. for some reason I doubt the people behind me were thinking nothing other than if they were going to get checked out before the cashier died. she was a little too old to be working a cash register and it made me wonder did she not have a retirement, did her husband leave her to fend for herself. it made me sad, thinking that I don't want to be ringing up dollar items in a bright green shirt at her age but if I don't get my finances together this will be me.

my therapist asked me what it was like to have no father in my life growing up. it made me mad that I didn't have a childhood. I was happy when my parents decided to divorce. the tension was always so thick in the house. I am sure this is why I have anxiety. then my mom left and I was left with butch who spent his time being angry about everything. to this day I get anxious around angry people. when my mom left I was 9, I took care of myself. I got myself up to go to school. I did laundry. butch either had weekend warrior, late night classes on Tuesday and Thursday, or he was coaching baseball that I was usually alone or lived at my best friends house.

lol, I thought they were so rich. I lived in a trailer house and was lucky if I had more than 2 pairs of pants to wear (this might explain why I am a clothes horse now). My best friend could go an entire week without doing laundry. her mom was a stay at home mom and she cooked at least 2 meals a day. I was lucky if there was milk or cereal. butch would buy groceries at the first of the month and that lasted all week. heck, I buy 2 gallons of milk and I am lucky if that lasts all month. I really cant judge though, I am horrible at managing my money and I know that I wouldn't have any money at the end of the month.

I wonder if I will ever get over these issues. the self esteem and anxiety are the worse ones for me.

I told my therapist once that I didn't feel like I was good enough, she asked me what good enough meant. I still am not sure.

inconvenience

so it has been a very, very long time. I have gotten away from blogging but I think that I need this online therapy,

I went and saw my therapist today, about a month ago my ex step dad's new wife contacted my husband about some plaques that mother had. She told my husband that she didn't want to upset me but wanted me to know that she had stored away the plaques. I then sent her a message and asked her if it were okay if I could come and get them. She said that would be great. I asked her what day and she told me which day of the week she is the least busy. Time went by, I got busy, but joe remembered the plaques and sent her a message wanting to know if it was a good time to come by. She replied that he needed to contact my ex step dad and that she was staying out of the situation. I sent her a message telling her that I really appreciated everything that she had done for me and I am sorry that I had caused any issues. My therapist asked me why I was sorry, she was the one that initiated contact. Once again this is my reaction to anyone when I feel as though I have been an inconvenience to them. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like an inconvenience.

Someone posted today what would I tell my younger self. I would tell myself to not allow people to discount me, that they don't determine my worth. I really wish I could teach my older self this.

I allow my mother's husband make me feel like I am an inconvenience and a disposable person. I declined to contact him about the plaques because I know that I will just get upset and who knows if I will actually even receive the plaques. I just decided to not participate in this immature game.

We are even

Today is my step dad's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday. He replied with something about his job, thanked me for me asking (which I really didn't) and thanked me for the sentiment.

4 years ago we were putting my mother in a nursing home. Rodney had already started seeing someone and she was at the hospital.

I want to apologize so much to my mother. I picked him over her. I now know that when the going got rough, he got going.

It still really breaks my heart. Some days I feel fine and some days it just kicks my ass. This last week it has just been kicking my ass.

This is when I truly want to just pack up and move somewhere else and make new memories. I would miss what little family I have.

Funny thing is, I have seen him twice since the whole cutting situation. It was a spring tornado that destroyed my step mom's shop. I managed to find my way to her through the downed power lines. When I got there, she was just standing in the what was left of her shop. She turned around and I just hugged her and said I was sorry. We spoke for a few minutes. I turned to walk to my car. Rodney turned, saw me, and didn't say a word. I didn't either so I guess we are even.

Before I left petco, he and his wife came into the store. Joe had taken me to work so I don't know if they came because they didn't think I was there or if they came to see if I was there. I hid for a few minutes and then decided that it was silly. I had signs to hang so I went to work. They never said anything to me and I never said anything to them. Once again, i guess we are even.

Last week, Joe gets a message from Dana that they have done a segment on her new building and it will be on the 10 o clock news.

It all came flooding back.

Too much

My anxiety is getting worse.

Joe and I went to Wal-Mart and I felt as if I was going to get mugged in the parking lot. An angry black woman was dragging her screaming kid through the parking lot while cussing walmart. There were 2 people getting out the car that was parked in front of us and I thought they looked sketchy.

We had a contractor come to the house and give us a quote on a screened in back porch. He was the guy that did Rodney's bathroom. I looked at that poor guy and told him that he was married to my mom and that was her house. I still get choked up thinking about it.

I missed my psychiatrist appointment last month. I called today fearing that I wouldn't be allowed to come back. The lady put me on hold forever then she was able to get me in next week. I am kind of concerned, I am NEVER able to get in that quickly.

I feel as though my ADD is at an all time high.

I really feel like a failure. Everything is out of control, my weight, my finances,  my emotions, and I drink to stop all of the thoughts that won't stop!

I am about a month into a new job and I cannot seem to get a grip on anything!

I feel as if someone is setting on my chest, I want to just break down and cry. I feel like a disposable human being. I hate the way my emotions makes Joe feel. I can see it in his eyes, he wonders if he is going to come home to a dead wife.