Tuesday, April 7, 2015


I took yesterday afternoon and was just by myself.

I have had to burn some vacation days before I lost them and I have been scheduling time off to spend with my husband. Which means we are go, go, go. 

We are suppose to close on the house Thursday. Which I will believe when I have cash in hand.  I am not sure if this makes me a realist or a pessimist. 

He is already wanting to pick stuff out for the bathroom.

This all overwhelms me.  I have been kidding about it but today I had to tell him that I don't work the way he does.  I am focused on clearing out the house then signing paperwork.  When I know exactly how much money I have to deal with then I can focus on the bathroom.  I am still not sure when our fence will be done.

I have just been quiet the last few days.  It makes me realize how nice it is to not always be the one that has to talk.  It also makes me realize that I am probably not a great listener.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Step parenting

Someone had posted on Facebook the other day about being a step parent.

I commented that it is a really fine line and I think that my responsibility is to advise and support.

Last night the "birth giver" as her daughter likes to list her in her contacts sent some passive aggressive message to my husband about how it would have been nice to see her daughter on Easter. 

I believe people are put in your life for a purpose.  She is to remind me of the things I don't like about myself (i.e. snarky comments, back stabbing to make yourself feel better than others, and actually thinking you are better than others).

The snarky comment irritated me, daughter asked me what happened. I said something about her mother and her comments.  I sat there for a moment then grabbed the phone and replied that she needed to be an adult, use her words, and if she wanted something to ask for it and not to be sarcastic. Daughter vacated the living room and headed to her bedroom......quickly.

I immediately knew I had done the wrong thing.

I struggled with how to apologize and when, if I didn't do it now then I would just stress over it.  My husband had gone into her bedroom so I stuck my head in and apologized.  I shouldn't have said anything, it wasn't my place and I shouldn't have had a response while she was in the room. 

I so remember what it was like to feel put in the middle of your parent's war.  I never want her to feel like that.  I don't want her to feel as though she has to choose.  I have always said this wasn't a competition, we could all love her. 

With all of the things that were in my head yesterday last night wasn't my finest moment. 

I knew I was wrong and apologized which was way more than my parents ever did for me.

Crazy stories

I used to have a friend, who would tell me "these things only happen to you" after I told him some crazy story.

I saw a guy I used to serve on a board with the other day.  He had just came from a funeral.  He told me he had seen my ex to which I replied "I am sure he had his usual sunny disposition".  This caused us both to smile.

We chit chatted about common things.  Then this is how the conversation went.

He then asked me if I had remarried. 
You don't waste any time do you?
Do you have anyone you could introduce me to? Someone who could be discreet.  I don't want anything with any strings.

I was floored.  Of course, all I could think of was that he was married. Then I wondered if he was thinking of me and that is why I had been seeing him more often.  He had taken to engaging me in conversations. 

I finally replied "no one I would introduce you to".  He then asked if it was because they were too good for him.  No, you are too good for them. 

First of all why do people think I have a lot of friends?  I have social anxiety and would rather stay in bed or at least at home with my animals. Second, if I did, I wouldn't want to get involved in something like that.  I already think that God won't forgive me for my indiscretions why would I borrow anyone else's sin?

He then asked me if I still had his number and to call him if I thought of anyone.

I told my husband this story.  He didn't seem as shocked as I was. 

I am not that blind

Last night I am sitting and blogging.  I got a pair of bifocals at the beginning of the year. I was really looking forward to being able to actually see.  I felt as though there was always a spot on my glasses, so I was always cleaning my glasses. I even became so aggravated one day that I swore I wouldn't wear them anymore. I wasn't losing my mind there are letters imprinted on my glasses which causes a blur.  Today I went to the eye doctor and the girl behind the counter tells me that this is normal because they are no line bifocals.  I asked what I could do and she said I could get lined bifocals. 

This is my issue, these are glasses to help me see.  Why is there anything printed anywhere on my glasses that impedes my vision?

I googled this and it is true.  Some people were told that it was industry standard, other people said that they complained and the marking was taken off.  So now I am not sure what to do.  I have a friend looking into it.

I dislike confrontation. 

Future me

My sister has apparently hit her stride.

She now has someone come to her home, makes sure she has taken her medication as prescribed and isn't running around town nude.

She has started drawing and now has a cat which she posts daily on Facebook. 

My husband comments the other day about my sister to which I reply "why yes, let's talk about my sister. She gets to sit around all day painting and playing with her cat while we all pay her disability".

I asked my dad if it was okay to be pissed about this.  He replied that yes, I should be.

I told my therapist today that I didn't think that it was fair that she got to sit on her butt while I had to fight for everything that I have.  She agreed that it wasn't fair but I have a much fuller life than she does. 

Blah, blah, blah I would like to sit on my butt, play with my cat and have someone to pay for it all.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Feeling lost

Today is my mother's birthday.

I spent so many years dreading the day, trying to find the perfect gift.  Wanting so hard to please my mother which now I know that was an impossible task. Thinking that somehow it would crack her cold, hard exterior. Maybe I would know what it would be like to be accepted.

Last year I was thankful that I didn't have to see the look of disappointment on her face.  I didn't have to try and figure out who was coming to the party.

This year I have just been filled with sadness.  It is hard when you feel as though you have no place in this world.  Which pretty much sums up how I have felt my entire life. 

Lonely Easter

Easter Sunday.......brings back such great memories

My family wasn't particularly religious.  I remember once when I was younger asking my mother if I would go to hell if I died because I wasn't saved.  She told me no.  I asked her why and she said it was because I was a child. I don't think I ever believed her because I forever felt as though I was destined to go to hell.

Years later when I met my ex and really started to get into religion and going to church.  I absolutely hated going to church with him on Sunday morning. I was going to write a book called "dear lord, please help me not kill my husband on Easter Sunday on the church steps".

I now imagine all of the fights that take place before people get to church and the minute you step out of your car, presto you put on your mask.

I wore heels one Easter Sunday expecting Skippy to balance me as we walked to church.  Nope, he walked off and left me.  We had Easter Sunday at the civic center once and he walked off and left me that day too.  I was greeted by my mother in law and she told me that I needed to hurry up to catch him.  I told her that she could have him.  I was done.  I actually sat in church that day and cried. 

There is nothing more lonely than sitting in a room full of people and feeling so alone.