Saturday, January 30, 2016

Looking back

All of the campaign signs are going up again.

It makes me think of 4 years ago and where i was. I was miserably married having an emotional affair that ended via an email, nice. I was running the store, going to school, and about to run for public office.

Then august came and i had lost the one thing that made me happy. I was stranded in detroit on way home from Florida, sick, and had already missed my first week of school.

I hit the wall and fell into the worst depression in my life. It was all i could do to get out of bed every morning. I counted the hours until i was able to go back to bed. I understood why people cut themselves, it is out of desperation to feel something different, to have a visible sign to let the world understand your pain. Hoping that maybe the sadness will somehow escape your body. I wasn't suicidal but i did wish to fall off the face of the earth so i didn't have to navigate the quick sand that had become my life.

It is amazing how much your life can change in 4 years. I am so grateful.


I went next door to get some items for a display. Thankfully the employee noticed that a lady had fallen on the sidewalk. We rushed out to see if she was okay. I have never seen a goose egg like she had on her forehead. She scraped her glasses, her nose, and her chin. The ladies had gotten her a chair, 2 men had stopped to help and were able to pick her up so she could sit. She insisted she was just going to drive home. I finally convinced her to let me call her husband. An ambulance came, her husband showed up, and she finally allowed the ambulance to take her to the hospital. She just kept apologizing.

I wanted to cry for this lady, not because she had hurt herself but because she has become older and had lost her capabilities.

These are the things that i don't want to experience. I have aches and pains. I don't bounce back as quickly as i once did but the helplessness in this lady's eyes was more than i could handle. I saw my mother in this woman. I could see her realizing that she wasn't the capable person she had been before. She was getting older, losing her reflexes and her life was becoming limited.

I saw my future today.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A game of surviving

I have anxiety that if i am not thankful enough that things will be taken away from me.

There is a couple that hang out at my store sometimes, they have a dog. I asked them what their story was, looking for the defining moment that caused them to be homeless. There wasn't one, no job loss, no health issue, no death, nothing. I wanted to ask what made them decide to give up and live on the streets. I haven't yet. I did ask them why they didn't go somewhere warmer since Oklahoma isn't the best place to be living on the streets. She said she used to live in arizona but her grandmother died and she left.

She panhandles to get enough money so they hopefully can get a room for the night. He said they like to stay at motel 6 but only had enough money for a $49 room. They sometimes stay at the post office to get out of the elements.

I felt sad for them, thinking i had a car to drive to a place to sleep that was warm. I said a prayer for them and thanked God for being so blessed.

The more i talked to them the more they seemed to have accepted their lot in life and were okay with it. This may have been a front but i really think that it wasn't so tragic for them. It was as if they were playing out their own version of survivor except there is no million dollar prize and you don't get voted off the island to go home to civilization.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


Today was the first day i had been to my mother's grave since the funeral.

I went and put flowers on her grave. I finally saw the gravestone that rodney had chosen. I kneeled and apologized, apologized for not doing enough, for not being able to deal in her last years. I wished there were so many things she would have talked to me about. So many things i don't have a clue to do with. So many questions that i have.

I bawled. I prayed to God to take care of her. I admitted i didn't know how any of this religious stuff goes but she had been saved.

I don't think that joe knew what to do, i think he felt helpless. I stood and he hugged me, i just tried to let it all go but i know i still have a long road on this one.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Missing my mother

Next month will be 2 years since we buried my mother. This month is the 2 year anniversary since i was divorced too.

I tired of being in debt, i feel like a teenager with my first credit card. I cashed out an annuity and paid off some bills. I know horrible idea.

I have been trying to get a budget together which is difficult because i am never sure what joe's check will be. I sat down the other day and went through 10 months of bills, credit card statements, and bank statements to figure out how we dug this hole.

Last pay period was the first that we used our cash system. We quickly found out that we didn't budget enough for food so we stole from our eating out budget and personal budget. It all worked out. The best thing was getting to friday and not trying to figure out how to pay for something.

Since i have spent so much time on pinterest, looking for ways to save money, and new recipes. I have decided to start sewing. My hands hurt too much so i am looking for a sewing machine. This makes me think of my mother, i wished we hadn't have been in such a hurry to erase her. I wish that i would've kept more. I am grateful that deedee kept some of her jewelry. She told me that one day i would want them and she is right. I kept her wedding ring and wear it on days that i am afraid that i will damage mine since she has a simple gold band. I was waiting to get my hair highlighted today and i almost started crying because I missed her so much.

I thought about making a trip to the cemetery to put daisies on her grave. Since i haven't been out there since the day she was buried. I wish that she would've been cremated so that i could at least have a piece of her instead of thinking that she is in a box rotting in the ground.

Deedee is getting ready for her first triathlon. She said we had traded places. I now cook, sew, and being suzy home maker. She spends her time at the gym.

Rodney's girlfriend is now divorced so i am sure they will run off soon to get married. Hmm, dejavue all over again.