Wednesday, December 25, 2013

weird monday

someone once told me that weird situations only happen to me, I am starting to believe it

Sunday night I went and stayed with a friend.  I got up Monday morning and called the vet because Buckley had a positive heartworm test.  I usually just take the dogs and drop them off and come back later to pick them up, so I just wear my sweats from the night before with a t shirt and sweatshirt and no bra.  I also had to take Chloe to get her shots.  I took Buckley in first and we sat down.  The phone was ringing off the hook and this lady comes in screaming that her dog was hit by a car and someone needed to come quick (of course she was on her phone at the same time).  Another lady comes in and she has a dog she needs to put to sleep.  A couple come in with a bunt cake and want to talk (the phone is still ringing off the hook).  The original girl comes back in the door screaming that someone needs to come and look at her dog.  I just look at her and said, the doctor knows and will be out soon.  Why do you let your dog out where it can get hit by a car????

I take Buckley to the examining room and sure enough he has heartworm, $400 and an overnight stay later he is better.  I then go and get Chloe, she is not happy with he momma (the lady with the dog is still standing outside talking on her phone).  She gets all of her shots and doc doesn't think that she has respiratory infection still.  I can hear the lady in the foyer with the run over dog.  When I leave, I ask Karen what happened and she said that dog was dead when she got here. 

I get to come home and take a shower so I can take my car to get my oil changed.  This is my day off....ugh.  Traffic was horrible because everyone is Christmas shopping.  Thankfully I had all of mine day and finished my husbands list as well.  I feel bad that the rest of his hasn't arrived yet, it was suppose to be here last night by 8.  He probably thinks that I didn't really get him anything. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

tall tales and prayers

I had to go to the post office yesterday and there was an elderly lady in front of me.  One of the guys behind the counter was complaining that he had to work until 7 and the rest were off at 5.  The lady made a remark about less talking and more working.  I remarked with we all had our issues, she apologized.  I told her I was saying that we all had our own issues and don't really want to hear about others.  She chuckled.  Mr. Winn came in and she greeted him.  I remarked that he was the best dressed man in town.  She commented that he was the undertaker.  I told her that I knew that, but he was still the best dressed man in town. She then told me that her husband had always dressed up like that, clothes pressed, wore a hat, and had his shoes shined.  She then told me that he had just passed away.  I told her how sorry I was for her loss, she said it was okay (apparently he had been sick for some time).  She said that she was just tired.  I shook my head and said yes, it is emotionally and physically draining.  She agreed and stated that she wouldn't have been there except that she had to mail the thank you notes. I walked past her and Mr. Winn as I left, told her God Bless and wished her a Merry Christmas. 

I wish I was better at praying.  My hairstylist was telling me that her boss's house was broke into and a large sum of money had been stolen, jewelry, and a laptop.  She had taken her boss to the back and prayed with her.  Instead of some lip service about God's plan (which is what I would have said), she spoke of God making things right for her and thanking him for making the situation right for such a hard working woman.  Soon after she sold her building and made a very nice profit.  She was able to buy a bigger building and add more services. 

I will never understand why people feel the need to tell tall tales.  The narcissist used to tell stories that weren't true.  I was such a dork I actually believed them for awhile.  I have this guy who works for me that is always telling these stories.  He is living with a girl that is supposedly crazy.  I think that they just drink too much and get into knock down fights.  Today he tells me that he got rid of her.  He had taken a nap, woke up, found her in the barn fornicating with two guys.  He beat both of the guys up, sent them to the hospital and told her to pack her stuff and get out.  She got out but didn't take her stuff and he doesn't know what to do.  I just told him he was full of crap. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

grades and gossip

all is right in the world, my bff is back from London....thank goodness

I finally received my grade for cost accounting and I have no idea how I did this but I managed to make an A, so my GPA is a 3.829.  I have no clue how it was even possible.  Tests were suppose to be worth 70% and I don't think I ever made a score higher than a low B.  Class participation must be worth something and we both have a love for old Camaros. 

So, the Christmas crowd is getting to me.  I had a lady come in today and she brought back a bunch of stuff a month ago and was given a gift card.  All she had was the card holder with the amount written on it and she said that is all she was given......after I gathered all of her information so that I could go look up the transaction, she found her card.  I just looked at the lady expecting some sort of apology, but no I didn't get one.  I probably didn't deserve one considering I was glaring at her.  Then I called her a not so nice name under my breath.  Yep, I absolutely needed to go to church tonight.  I then checked out the next lady and did a carryout because I needed a break. 

I am always thankful that I am removed from other stores so that I don't have to deal with their gossip, but I received a call today from my GM buddy and another GM had called him.  The conversation started with "I don't want to start any gossip".  I just laughed because people that start sentences with phrases like that are always full of no good.  The gossip was that I was leaving the company.  I had received an internship.  I told my friend that was news to me and unfortunately internships are usually unpaid and I need money to pay my bills.  We got a good laugh out of that one, so now I am just going to see how long it takes for other people to start calling me. 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Will someone please tell me why I thought these decals on the back glass of a vehicle were cute and thought about purchasing them?  It is almost like advertising to a serial killer how many people are in the house. 

This summer when my weight peaked at 190.  I somehow thought that I would always be that size, so I gave away all of my size 12 clothing.  Now that I am almost back into a size 12, I have to buy new clothing.  The issue is that I am on lockdown.  I don't want to spend any money and I don't want to eat anything.  I am afraid of using things or food to stuff into this hole that I feel inside.  I know that it is up to me to heal myself.  I am not sure what the future holds for me so I am hoarding my money to ensure that I have options. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

just not that into me

I finally acknowledged the reason behind my obsession with Oregon. I haven't had sex in six years. That is scary.  I had found him on Facebook to apologize for treating him so bad.  I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it.  He had texted me a few times and I just wasn't that into him.  Then one day I bit.  I was unhappy with the lack of intimacy in my marriage and I already have issues with sex, so it was comfortable to go back to someone who told me I was pretty and sexy and all of those things you want to hear.  I was glad that I was able to talk him last week, it was nice to have someone there for me, but I know in my heart he just isn't that into me and I need to let it go. 

I need to decide what to do about my marriage.  My therapist says that you try to fix your childhood through your relationships....boy am I.  I feel as though he is my father and mother all put together.  Obviously, he isn't cheating on me, physically. He is mad, he does the whole silent treatment like my mother.  Wednesday nights, my husband thinks that we must be the first people at church and I should be home at 430.  I am really not suppose to leave until 5.  My boss doesn't give me huge amounts of grief about it because I do stay late on some nights.  I wasn't able to leave and get home until almost 5.  He was sitting in his chair, not talking to me.  He follows me to the bedroom where I tell him to stop complaining, it is Christmas and we get busy, and I cant just leave if we are busy.  We get in the car and I say something, he doesn't answer, so I ask if he isn't talking to me. He tells me that he doesn't like it when people make him late.  I reiterate my previous discussion.  I would have never done that before.  I would have continued to let him not talk to me and then one day I would just freak out, like my mother does. 

So I am on the phone with my sister and I feel as though her life is an endless loop tape.  I suppose that is part of the disease.  I called her last Tuesday and she was so drunk that she doesn't even remember that we talked.  Today I call her and she is sitting at her house feeling sorry for herself.  Which is only going to make her drink. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013


it cracks me up when people get all tied up into titles, I always think it must be a self esteem thing

I used to be that way.  I wasn't JUST an assistant manager, I was the "operations manager".  Then when I finally got to be a store manager and realized that it didn't really mean anything other than there was no one between you and the butt chewing and everyone wanted something from you. 

Once we were at a family function and someone asked me where I worked, I told them the place.  They didn't ask me what I did, so I didn't tell them.  My mother interjected that I was the "store manager". 

It didn't take me very long to figure out to not tell people that because they either had a good experience there or a bad experience and they wanted to tell you all about it.  I always wanted to tell them that I worked almost 12 hours a day/5 to 6 days a week.  If they have an issue and want to talk about it, catch me there.

It is kind of like what I am going through with the assistant manager position now.  I promoted someone and yeah, the raise was nice, but I don't have lesser expectations from the rest of my management staff now that I have an assistant.  I absolutely don't look at any of them any differently than I did before. 

People get so hung up on titles.  I don't think that I have the best self esteem but I know that there isn't any title in the world that will make my esteem any better and if it does it is only temporary. 

It is like expecting a man to make my issues go away, it isn't going to happen and I have to work on them with my therapist.  I heard a lady the other night suggest that everyone have therapy for a year. 

welcome to law enforcement

okay, so I get an email the other day to drop a class because I hadn't taken all of the required classes first.  My first question is if all of the requirements had not been met then why did it let me enroll and second question is how in the heck am I going to find a class that I need to take that isn't full?  Seriously, it is business policy, what prereq should you need for that, except knowing how to read.

One of my people is married to the head of security at a local college, she says he is the chief of police.  She called me hysterical today because there had been a threat against him and his family.  I am not sure if it is experience, age, or medication that makes me unfazed by this stuff.  I told her that one time there was a call to the police dept for my mother and the lady said, I have your daughter and I am going to kill her.  It ended up being a big misunderstanding, but we were all freaked out for a day or so.  Then I had Butch who would tell me that the people he had "put away" might come and find him and use me to get to him.  This is probably why I suffer from general anxiety disorder. 

I couldn't help but feel bad for Kim.  She was so upset.  Welcome to the wide world of being in a law enforcement family.  I finally just told her that if she stopped living her life then they win. 

Horrible things happen everyday, yesterday another kid walked into a school shot a few people and took his own life.  He was actually there to kill the librarian.  I never particularly liked any librarians that I had in school, but the feeling wasn't deep enough to make me want to kill them.  I wished the kid had not have taken his life so that maybe we could figure out what makes these children go to such extremes. 

My husband thinks that men are more likely to commit suicide because they see an instant solution to their problem where as women think past the moment.  I have had some really low moments, but I always think about what it would do to my family.  I cant leave my niece alone in this world or my bff. 

I always figure when it is my time, I will go and meet my maker.  I still wear my seatbelt, quit smoking, and always trust your feelings of when you think something is wrong it probably is.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

work appropriate discussions

okay, so I love amazon....I just did my Christmas shopping for my husband, sister in law and brother in law in less than an hour. 

My department manager who didn't get the promotion because she does things that aren't appropriate comes into the office with an hourly and proceed to show me a video of a lady with huge knockers and I stopped watching.  First of all, I am not paying you to watch whatever talent she has with these huge knockers and you shouldn't be either.  I pointed out that wasn't appropriate behavior for a manager and she said that it didn't matter because she was never going to get promoted.  I replied you might, but not with that behavior.  I have another hourly who has gone around the entire store telling everyone that his women wants to invite another women into their bed.  REALLY?? I had a girl walk up to a guy and ask if he was bi in front of customers.  This same guy spent time asking if I was sleeping with my assistant. Why do people thing this is appropriate workplace conversation.  So tomorrow I get to spend my day on the phone with HR.  Why cant people just show up to work and work.  Why do I have to keep explaining that people could perceive that as sexual harassment?  I wonder at times if I am making a bad impression or if I make them think that this is okay. I don't really want HR in my store, but I would like for this kind of behavior to stop.

I know.  I didn't always talk about things that were work appropriate when I was a young manager and my boss would not have gone for that kind of discussion.  I am just so hyper sensitive to this kind of behavior because I know how easy it can get out of control and then you are firing your entire management staff and working open to close and everyone believes that you are a horrible manager who lets people have orgies in the backroom. 

This is my motivation for going to school and getting out of management....they are going to be the death of me!!!!!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

my new vernacular

I think that I am going to add two new sayings to my vernacular.  First would be "I know a really good therapist, I will give you her number and you can tell her your issues" and "add that person to the list of people that I am not talking to".

I watched a lady last night and she was talking about God and patience, she had kept a list for 8 weeks of things that had aggravated her.   I thought that sounded like a good plan, but my list was probably as long (for one single day) as hers and not quite as severe.  Her list contained things like her aunt going blind and having to put her in the nursing home.  Not having water for 24 or 48 hours.  Being stuck in a foreign country and their was either a monsoon or a volcano.  Mine were road rage related, screaming kids making me want to pull my hair out, employees who want to stand around and gossip, a lady that wanted to argue with me on the phone about whether or not I had a phone number she was looking for.  A rabbit that was supposedly left on someone's door step and the mess she had made.  16 pallets of freight on the floor.  I came to the conclusion that there wasn't enough paper in the world to list the things that aggravate me.  I couldn't possibly keep up with that much information for 8 weeks. 

last night as I was talking to the one person that I needed more than anything and he was pointing out that I always had a story to tell.  These things don't happen to normal people.  I have  known people that thrived on drama and if there wasn't any, they would create it in a heartbeat.  Am I turning into this person?  I don't want to be this person.  I don't want to have drama in my life.  I just want to find peace and have serenity in my soul. 

"you cannot find peace by avoiding life"

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

from worse to better :)

yep, should have gone to therapy yesterday

I spent my whole day studying for a test that had 37 questions.  I took 12 chapters, made over 150 flashcards for 37 questions.  Oh well, hopefully I did well enough to get me a B. 

I got up this morning and felt really down.  My bff is in London, so I cant call her.  I don't want to talk to the people I work with about my issues.  I called my sister who was drunk and more worried about taking a shower so she could have sex.  I didn't even bother to ask her with who, probably someone she met at the liquor store.  I called the only person who I knew would listen and understand. 

I know what I am doing, I am trying to repair my childhood.  I am back to feeling like I was nine and waiting for someone to put me first and that is never going to happen.  I just end up feeling like I should have never been born, it is just too much hurt.  Too much to get over. 

I got to work this morning and I had a truck waiting for me to unload (oh how I miss having a forklift).  I busted my behind and then decided that the guys could take care of it.  The funny part of the day was I somehow got into a conversation with a guy that had to be in his 70's or 80's about the fall and that I was okay because I had enough padding on my behind and he told me I had a nice behind.  It really cracked me that the old guy still had some spunk. 

My midshift guy "texted in" telling me he couldn't get out of his driveway. The creepy part is that he signs all of his texts with "{(silence)}".....what does that even mean.  One of my assistants asked him and he said that she wouldn't understand.  Okay California boy, it is weird and if you cant explain it then stop doing it.  This is when I think no wonder your girlfriends dad doesn't like you, you do weird things.  Yes, I know it isn't my place to judge. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

same ole song and dance

darned if I do, darned if I don't....this pretty much sums up my feelings today.

I spent the entire day studying for my final which I am not feeling very confident about.  This will be the first class that I haven't made an A in and I know that I shouldn't punish myself for not being perfect.  I have struggled this semester and haven't really had it to give so if I get a B I should be happy. 

I continue to have dreams about Oregon.  I am not sure why I am unable to get him out of my mind, but I continue to pray to God to remove this lust from my heart and I talk to my therapist. 

My dad is angry with me because he feels that I am more interested in helping my sister and nieces than I am in helping him and my mother.  In order to help him, I would have to deal with my mother and that always leaves me feeling horrible.  I feel like I would have to slay the dragon in order to save him and I just am not strong enough for that. 

I know that he resents me, but I find it hard not to resent them.  I am doing what I can to help him with his campaign and they never showed up once to help me with my campaign.  I realize that it wasn't the DA but it was important to me. 

I probably don't leave my husband even though I don't feel as if I can satisfy him either because his parents are the only family that I have that makes me feel wanted.  I have worked my butt off in school and I have a 3.82 GPA and the only people I have to celebrate with are my husband and his family.  I have paid for school by myself, except this next semester my in laws are paying because I asked that whatever money they were going to spend on me, please just write a check payable to the school for tuition. 

This is probably what led to my depression in the first place.  I try so hard and I feel as though I take one step forward and three steps back. 

I should have gone to therapy today. 

Friday, December 6, 2013


I get a text yesterday from niece that states her father is picking his wife over his girls and they need to move out. 

Yes, I realize there are two sides to every story and I only know one.  Which is that she has an addiction problem, has two or three DUIs, been in a few wrecks, and is abusive to my nieces.  I think someone got involved because she moved out and my ex brother in law has been paying for her rent and bills.  The girls expressed that they want their father to be happy, but do not feel comfortable with her when he isn't around and he agreed.  He is a fireman so he is gone for long periods of time and then the time that he spends at his wife's house leaves the girls alone too much.  Time has passed and he is unhappy with the situation and wants his wife to move back in, the girls expressed their concern and he told them that if they didn't like it they could move. 

My mother wrecked the mule, backed into the retaining wall just like she did with the town car.  My dad is so depressed that he doesn't have the will to live.  I understand what that feels like.  I don't think that I was ever suicidal, that would have taken too much energy and as much as I didn't want to hurt.  I thought about what that would do to my family. 

I have been trying to touch base with my sister daily.  I am concerned that she is going to die either by drinking herself to death or take me up on that idea of taking a handful of pills.  This is all the girls need is a dead mother. 

I didn't have an alcoholic mother, but I did have a workaholic mother.  I know what it is like for a father to pick a woman over his daughter.  I feel in some way that I am watching my childhood replayed.  I know the damage that it can do and I am so fearful for those girls and the issues they will have.  I can only pray that they wont be forty when they deal with them. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

a helping hand

don't look down on someone unless you are willing to help them up

my bff told me that the other day and I thought it was a great way to look at life. 

I went to therapy on Tuesday and things have been going good.  I answer my phone when people call and I am getting out of the house more.  Now, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I told my therapist that this would happen, I had a horrible feeling in the bottom of my soul that there was trouble around the corner.  We spent time talking about that and we all know that good times don't last but neither do bad times.  I just have to have faith that whatever happens, I am able to deal with it.  I had been listening to the radio on the way and they were talking about optimistic and pessimistic people, pessimistic people are more likely to be depressed.  I had a relationship years ago and I still talk to the guy from time to time.  I always seem to remember the bad things that happened.  I wondered why I was so hard wired to remember the bad.  My therapist told me that our brains are trained to remember bad things to keep us from making the same mistake again, especially traumatic situations.  She told me that it is these memories that make me survive in fight or flight mode.  I asked her how long she thought I had been in fight or flight and she replied "since I was swaddled as a baby".  No wonder I am so tired all of the time.  I felt better after having the conversation with her.  I feel as though I have clawed my way out of this depression and I don't want anything to derail me. 

Today my bff is flying to London to see her brother.  When her mother died, she was cremated and she keep some of the ashes, she is taking those with her to England.  I thought that was very cool. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

radical therapy

so, it is funny how you need to be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it

I spoke to my sister again today and she wanted a blow by blow of what happened the day that I came to pick her up and what her daughter saw.  She wanted to know if her daughter knew that she was drunk.  I told her she wasn't fooling anyone.  The only thing that I know to relate her addiction to is being in an abusive relationship.  I had to stay with my ex-husband until I had absolutely, positively had enough.  I asked her if she was done, didn't really get a straight answer, but then again I didn't expect one.  Yes, I realize that it is a losing battle, but I don't have anything to lose.  I either will get through to her or she will continue drinking and die.  I am prepared for either decision, but I feel for my nieces I must try. 

My bff came by today and told me that a mutual friend of ours is getting divorced.  I wasn't shocked because I have known for years that she has had issues with her husband and spending money and her trying to keep their business going.  My bff said that everyone was surprised because everyone thought they were okay because they outwardly seemed okay.  It is funny how some problems are able to be hidden by the masks and some cant.  I suppose when you cant stand up it is kind of hard to hide behind the mask. 

My bff battled alcohol and has now been sober for 14 months, she still goes to AA meetings.  It was interesting to get her insight on the issue with my sister.  She had been to rehab years ago and it didn't stick.  Then one day she just woke up and decided that she was tired of the roller coaster.  She says that I need to go to an AA meeting with her, that I would feel like a princess.  She says that she feels really lucky that she still has all of her teeth, her liver isn't damaged, and that her family still talks to her.  Alcohol already damaged her relationship with her daughter, but now that she is older things are better.  She says that some times her son goes with her to her meetings and that he says he didn't know which mom was going to show up when she was drinking.  If that isn't a reason to stay sober, I don't know what is. 

My bff and I have both gone/going through therapy.  Radical therapy is when you acknowledge the past/present as what it is.