Friday, October 28, 2016


I go to the chiropractor 3 times a week. He puts me on a table afterwards that has the rollers. I lay there for 15 minutes. It has become my new meditation time.

I realized that i am not emotionally responsible for people. I cannot be held responsible for the way people feel about me.

When my mother left, i felt emotionally responsible for butch. Then i was left for with angry butch. I shut down when faced with angry people. My assistant left. I felt emotionally responsible for him and had become numb in the shadow of his anger. I was trying to be the cool girlfriend, not make waves, make everything better. Here is the problem with unhappy people, you will never be able to give enough to make them happy.

Usually, i would replay the "i am like kim, bobbi, and everyone else....i don't want to work for you" over in my mind FOREVER but it is the bottomless pit, no matter what i gave. It was never good enough, it never would have been, so now he will go on to work for another boss, another company and they will be the evil one.

I have spent my whole life trying to be everything to everyone, trying to be the problem solver.

Monday, October 24, 2016


I am drowning today.

I feel as though i am toxic and should come with a warning sign. I know that i can't make everyone happy all of the time but i feel as though people shouldn't even get involved with me because i will just let them down and they will hate me.

I just see no relief in my future. I am on my third set of doctors and i am back to my first diagnosis. I still don't feel any better and as my sister says i am running out of people who i talk to. I feel lonely with no one really left to love me. Maybe i wasn't meant to be loved, i didnt learn that skill in my childhood.

Everything just seems so difficult. I think to myself that things shouldn't be this hard. It never seems to get easier.

I want to shrivel up and blow away.  My mother is gone and there is only heartache left for me here.

Sunday, October 23, 2016


Today is Sunday. Syd just left. I remember always hating Sundays when i was a kid. They were so depressing. Butch was sometimes home. I lived in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and i was sometimes being shuffled from one place to the next.

Today is my only day off this week. My manager told me that he didn't want to work for me. I didn't see much of a reason for a conversation after that.

I don't know how to not replay that over and over and over again in my head.

One of my employees sent me this
"Note to self:
You can't control how other people receive your energy. Anything you do our say gets filtered through the lens of whatever personal shit they are going through at the moment. Which is not about you. Just keep doing your thing with as much love and integrity and love as possible."

I am not sure i have read anything more spot on than this.

I am just tired. I feel as though everything is falling down around me and i don't think i have the energy to pick it up again. I have a rat in the store, at least one mouse, and so many spiders that there are webs everywhere. Plano grams are stacked inches thick. I am drowning.

The need to cut to relieve some pressure is growing. I promised my husband i wouldn't do that again. The fear in his eyes is more than i can take so hopefully i can make it to see my therapist next week.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016


One of my managers sent me a text today wanting to know if he needed to give hoods notice to me or to my boss.

I told him i needed a letter of resignation, signed, and left for me.

I didn't call him. I dislike being held hostage by my employees. I really feel as though i have been held hostage by his leaving since he went from salary to hourly.

He called me and told me i could fix this, he didn't want to leave, he loves his job, and he has no where to go. All i could think of is how much he complains for someone who loves his job.

Apparently, i don't care. When i say "it is what it is". I tell him that when i am tired of listening to him complain. I can't give him more hours. I just have to work more.

He told me that he was leaving his keys so i was working on finding people to cover then it was he would work out the rest of the week. He would talk to me tomorrow.

I am exhausted from feeling as though i am emotionally responsible for his feelings.

Boundaries, another life skill that would be helpful for me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016


Yesterday we took a road trip and went to hot springs. I felt like it was my mulligan. The chance to go to a great place with a great man and have a great time and we did.

We went to the gangster museum, the amazing Italian restaurant, and visited the same hotel. We went to a brewery, people watched for awhile then headed to the hotel bar. I walked in and there was a guy with a guitar playing the bob dylan song that we used the music for amazing grace for mother's funeral. Joe was talking to one of the guys that worked at the bar, he is from sheboygan. I told joe that I had felt mother all day.

In the 70s the cards that were watercolor on handmade paper were popular. I am sure there are some in the "men in my life" packets that my mother left me. We stopped at a gas station to use the restroom and on our way out i saw a display of these watercolor, handmade paper calendars. The display was turned to a calendar "for a daughter from a mother with love". I asked joe to get it for me, he thought it was for syd. No. I told him it was for me. I felt as though it was my mother's way of telling me she loved me.


I started a workbook on healing.

One of the questions was "have you ever felt safe?"

The short answer is no.

I did some brainstorming and decided that safe had four categories. Financial, physical, emotional, and job security.

Financial. Comfortable retirement, emergency savings, and a cash cushion in our budget.

Emotional. Acknowledged, accepted, loved, cared for, soft place to land, secrets not exposed or used against me, be able to trust others motives, and not feel vulnerable.

Job security. Feel as though i am not set up for failure, easily turned against, feel as though people had my back, trust other's motives, and not feel vulnerable.

This was difficult because my fears are that my house will burn down and i would lose everything. Kidnapped. Raped. Killed. Die in a car crash.
I ended up with trust other's motives and not feel vulnerable.

Safe would feel warm, calm, peaceful, not scared of the future, have a sense that everything will be okay, and the future will hold good.

I just wrote down everything that came to mind.

I thought about this on the way home. I think i have always been aware of money issues.

My parents wanted to raise me to be independent. I think they ended up robbing me of my childhood.

Saturday, October 8, 2016


A"It's 4am, i must be lonely"

I was unable to sleep this morning even though i am exhausted. I was struck with this fear that i was going to stop breathing. I was sure that the next breath wouldn't come, that i was suddenly going to unlearn how to inhale. My chest seems to have forgotten how to expand today.

I think it is a combination of disappointing someone yet again, the fact that i am failing at work, and i feel that nothing is true in my world. I am unsure of what tomorrow will bring, i almost fear it, knowing with certainty that it will be hurtful and unpleasant.

I am so exhausted, i don't know that i will make it through the day. The real problem is that i have no clue where to go for relief. I used to drink and smoke myself into oblivion but i can't deal with the hangovers anymore. Shopping no longer brings me the joy that it once did and my poor feet can't carry anymore weight, so eating isn't an option.

I wish i knew what it felt like to wake up in the morning and be excited for what the day brought.

I think this would all be easier if i could have my nervous breakdown like a normal person. No, i have to be the over achiever, put on my mask and let my mind fall apart all the while keeping up appearances. Unfortunately i am failing at this too.

Friday, October 7, 2016


I was suppose to go see my sister this weekend. I was looking forward to the time away but apparently it wasn't meant to be.

I went to see a chiropractor Monday. He took x-rays and my pelvis is tilted (which might explain why my hip hurts) my spine is twisted and crooked. My right leg is shorter than my left. I was surprised when he was immediately able to point to my shoulder blades that have hurt for years and my sciatic that has been burning. I went Tuesday for the results of my x ray and he adjusted my back/hips/neck 3 times this week. My sciatica has eased some which is so nice.  I knew that i had limited movement in my neck but i realize now that my left side is so much more limited than my right.

I saw my therapist yesterday. It is nice to get immediate feedback and not feel as though i am throwing money at someone to just sit and stare at me.

I wasn't looking forward to seeing butch's wife. I am still confused as to why they felt the need to make me a pawn in their game with my grandma's house. I will never understand why the whole thing happened. My sister thinks Claudia will corner me and try to exonerate herself. I wish people could just own their stuff.

Rodney finally sent me a birthday text. They are "on our way to the calli coast on vacation". I told him i was sorry and that i loved him. I still haven't received a response.

I have to just let go of trying to understand why people do the things that they do.

Saturday, October 1, 2016


I survived the day.

I went to work at 6, threw some freight (back is killing me). I wrote the schedule, did the animal po, got the children ready for an animal walk, and finally got home at 12.

On our way to get sydni, her step dad called joe to tell him that she was tired of coming to our house for just one night. My heart broke for joe. I couldn't help but feel responsible. I was the reason he moved 30 minutes away. I was the reason he was missing time with his little girl. To make it all worse, he had to hear this from the man his wife cheated on him with.

Joe started asking sydni if she was tired of us and other questions. I couldn't handle it so i sent her a text telling her what her step dad had done. I apologized for making her move away. Her teenage reply was, i felt that way last week but not this week.

So she stayed with her mom last night. Today she is going with her friends and will stay the night with her bff. Tomorrow we are taking her to the fair. Joe has lost 2 days of his 7 days off with her :(. I told him that she should just stay here tonight but he doesn't want to be like her mother. I feel like he loses time and the connection because he is too easy going.

This reminds me of why i didn't have children.

My birthday came and went without a sound from Rodney. I knew in my heart that he had written me off but i still had hope. It still saddens me that our relationship has been destroyed because he is unable to see why i was hurt that his barber knew he was going to get married before me.

I feel as though i am paying for my mother's sins and for her step daughter's sins. I can't help but feel that most of the message she sent me was misdirected anger. I know there is nothing that i can say or do that will make either of them change their view of me.