Sunday, April 20, 2014

putting on my big girl panties

I worked through my Chester issue. 

I was upset because once again i picked butch.  I thought that i had chosen better, but the chasing after a younger woman, the whole making sex such a dirty thing with the naked pictures reminded me of butch when i was growing up. 

Once again it makes me unsure of myself when making decisions. 

I did finally enroll for school, not sure how i will pay for it, but i have released that to God. 

I have been so grateful lately.  My roof was probably about 2 years overdue for a replacement.  We had a hail storm and the insurance guy came out, totalled my roof and the building out back.  I am hoping that i will get the check soon so that the new roof will be put on. 

I have also refinanced my house.  I am suppose to close on that tomorrow as well.  I am just going to give it to God that i have the money to cover the closing costs. 

I would have never imagined that i would be doing all of this alone, but at almost 42.  I think that it is time that i put on my big girl panties. 

I have stopped beating myself up for yet another failed marriage.  I prayed to God for forgiveness.  My therapist told me to forgive myself.  I think the story of Chester snapped me back to the reality of that isn't the type of person that i want to spend my life with, which was the reason why i left in the first place.  He was making me into someone i didn't like.  I will take responsibility of the mistakes that i made during the marriage.  I learned during my first marriage to pick your battles.  I think Chester taught me how important partnership is and to not let anyone else in your marriage. 

I have been spending more time with God and his word, which has really help keep me more centered. 

I still eat horribly, which between that and my medication makes me tired. 

My other half is having financial issues and i was starting to take on those issues, they are short term, but i have realized that they aren't my issues to fix.  I am proud of myself for having some healthy boundaries.  I take time for myself when i need it and he is caring enough to give it to me. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

my half brother

Today was tough. I was already crying before I made it to my therapist.
I finally got ahold of butch (I am glad to know that my personal issues were a priority to his wife) and asked him to contact my half brother to inform him mother had died. I don't think that I could've gotten through it without a break down and if he rejected me then I would really lose it.  He said that he would do it, so we will see.


we have officially changed Skippy's name to Chester

one day my significant other, my dad, and i were sitting at a restaurant and this girl walks by.  one of the guys said "i thought that was a little kid".  i said no, that is so and so. 

yesterday i hear that Chester went to eat at this restaurant and left a tip, sent her a text about the size of the tip and she remarked that she didn't get any of the tip because the table actually belonged to someone else.  So, he delivered her an envelope with a hundred dollars in it so that she could buy what she wanted for the holidays.  she then proceeds to tell a story of how she sent him a naked picture. 

i was so stinking embarrassed, then i just wanted to throw up because i cannot believe that i was married to and once loved someone like that.

this morning i was still obsessing over it.  i wanted to send him a text and tell him that she is pregnant and living with her boyfriend and will just take advantage of him.  i then just finally decided to let it go, because there is nothing i can say or do that will stop him from either being used or making a fool out of himself.  the best part was my significant other pointed out that it was probably my money that he used to pay her for her naked picture. 

i have come to the conclusion that i obviously wasn't the one to trip his trigger, maybe he is into chics who look like children

it must be nice to have rich parents who probably bought your house, furniture, and anything else because some evil woman left you. 

i have been trying to become more centered, since i haven't found a church to go to (not that i have been looking), i have been downloading sermons.  today, i listened to one that must have been recorded during the holidays.  the preacher asked that everyone do something different for the holidays, either start doing something you had stopped or stop doing something that you started.  i am sure that leaving my husband wasn't what he had in mind and maybe one day i will stop beating myself up about it. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

my give a crap is broken

I went and saw my shrink last week.  I have become easily irritated about everything....well, i say that, it seems that way only when i am at work.  I keep dragging my feet about school because i am not really sure how i am going to pay for it.  I already have a balance on my credit card and i keep charging like there is no tomorrow.  Oh well, cant take it with you. 
We had a hail storm the other night.  Joe's truck has some hail damage and my roof took a beating.  Now i have a claim and i am worried that my insurance will go up and in the end i will just get screwed.  What is it that they say, expect the worst and hope for the best.  This would pretty much sum up my attitude these days.
I have to go out of town may 1st....take my assistant and grooming salon manager.  I have a feeling that my GSM is not going to be able to go, but this doesn't surprise me because she has kids and they are her priority as well as they should be.  My boss wont understand and he will tell me to get rid of her.  Sure, i have a line of people standing waiting to take her position.  Groomers are crazy.  I manage to have two sane ones that do a good job grooming, they are the only two that i have and i don't see any more on the horizon.  That is okay, he will come and see me this week to show me how to sell a dog training class...cant wait.  I am pretty close to telling him where to stick my keys. 
I am sorry my give a crap is broken. 
I guess it is a good thing that my therapist appointment is tomorrow.  I have been really surprised by the fact that my insurance has done a good job of paying for everything.  I am shocked that they haven't deemed me as an existing condition. 
I know what part of my issue is, it is that i have worked in a profession since i was 16 that in order to make others happy you have to wear that mask and i wear it well.  I have worn it for so long i have no clue who i am or what I really want. 
My bff and i went to see Joseph and the technicolor something or other and on the way home, she was talking about her new step mom and how she makes everything about her.  She takes the blame for situations that go badly.  I told her that i didn't think that she was trying to make it all about her, it was her generation, where women looked good and tried to make everyone happy and if it didn't go that way then somehow it was their fault.  I am afflicted with that by some degree, so much so, that my give a crap broke. 
I think someone could come in and tell me that a bus full of nuns drove off a cliff and i would laugh hysterically, pray to god for me not to go to hell, and then go on with my life.