Wednesday, December 25, 2013

weird monday

someone once told me that weird situations only happen to me, I am starting to believe it

Sunday night I went and stayed with a friend.  I got up Monday morning and called the vet because Buckley had a positive heartworm test.  I usually just take the dogs and drop them off and come back later to pick them up, so I just wear my sweats from the night before with a t shirt and sweatshirt and no bra.  I also had to take Chloe to get her shots.  I took Buckley in first and we sat down.  The phone was ringing off the hook and this lady comes in screaming that her dog was hit by a car and someone needed to come quick (of course she was on her phone at the same time).  Another lady comes in and she has a dog she needs to put to sleep.  A couple come in with a bunt cake and want to talk (the phone is still ringing off the hook).  The original girl comes back in the door screaming that someone needs to come and look at her dog.  I just look at her and said, the doctor knows and will be out soon.  Why do you let your dog out where it can get hit by a car????

I take Buckley to the examining room and sure enough he has heartworm, $400 and an overnight stay later he is better.  I then go and get Chloe, she is not happy with he momma (the lady with the dog is still standing outside talking on her phone).  She gets all of her shots and doc doesn't think that she has respiratory infection still.  I can hear the lady in the foyer with the run over dog.  When I leave, I ask Karen what happened and she said that dog was dead when she got here. 

I get to come home and take a shower so I can take my car to get my oil changed.  This is my day off....ugh.  Traffic was horrible because everyone is Christmas shopping.  Thankfully I had all of mine day and finished my husbands list as well.  I feel bad that the rest of his hasn't arrived yet, it was suppose to be here last night by 8.  He probably thinks that I didn't really get him anything. 

Friday, December 20, 2013

tall tales and prayers

I had to go to the post office yesterday and there was an elderly lady in front of me.  One of the guys behind the counter was complaining that he had to work until 7 and the rest were off at 5.  The lady made a remark about less talking and more working.  I remarked with we all had our issues, she apologized.  I told her I was saying that we all had our own issues and don't really want to hear about others.  She chuckled.  Mr. Winn came in and she greeted him.  I remarked that he was the best dressed man in town.  She commented that he was the undertaker.  I told her that I knew that, but he was still the best dressed man in town. She then told me that her husband had always dressed up like that, clothes pressed, wore a hat, and had his shoes shined.  She then told me that he had just passed away.  I told her how sorry I was for her loss, she said it was okay (apparently he had been sick for some time).  She said that she was just tired.  I shook my head and said yes, it is emotionally and physically draining.  She agreed and stated that she wouldn't have been there except that she had to mail the thank you notes. I walked past her and Mr. Winn as I left, told her God Bless and wished her a Merry Christmas. 

I wish I was better at praying.  My hairstylist was telling me that her boss's house was broke into and a large sum of money had been stolen, jewelry, and a laptop.  She had taken her boss to the back and prayed with her.  Instead of some lip service about God's plan (which is what I would have said), she spoke of God making things right for her and thanking him for making the situation right for such a hard working woman.  Soon after she sold her building and made a very nice profit.  She was able to buy a bigger building and add more services. 

I will never understand why people feel the need to tell tall tales.  The narcissist used to tell stories that weren't true.  I was such a dork I actually believed them for awhile.  I have this guy who works for me that is always telling these stories.  He is living with a girl that is supposedly crazy.  I think that they just drink too much and get into knock down fights.  Today he tells me that he got rid of her.  He had taken a nap, woke up, found her in the barn fornicating with two guys.  He beat both of the guys up, sent them to the hospital and told her to pack her stuff and get out.  She got out but didn't take her stuff and he doesn't know what to do.  I just told him he was full of crap. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

grades and gossip

all is right in the world, my bff is back from London....thank goodness

I finally received my grade for cost accounting and I have no idea how I did this but I managed to make an A, so my GPA is a 3.829.  I have no clue how it was even possible.  Tests were suppose to be worth 70% and I don't think I ever made a score higher than a low B.  Class participation must be worth something and we both have a love for old Camaros. 

So, the Christmas crowd is getting to me.  I had a lady come in today and she brought back a bunch of stuff a month ago and was given a gift card.  All she had was the card holder with the amount written on it and she said that is all she was given......after I gathered all of her information so that I could go look up the transaction, she found her card.  I just looked at the lady expecting some sort of apology, but no I didn't get one.  I probably didn't deserve one considering I was glaring at her.  Then I called her a not so nice name under my breath.  Yep, I absolutely needed to go to church tonight.  I then checked out the next lady and did a carryout because I needed a break. 

I am always thankful that I am removed from other stores so that I don't have to deal with their gossip, but I received a call today from my GM buddy and another GM had called him.  The conversation started with "I don't want to start any gossip".  I just laughed because people that start sentences with phrases like that are always full of no good.  The gossip was that I was leaving the company.  I had received an internship.  I told my friend that was news to me and unfortunately internships are usually unpaid and I need money to pay my bills.  We got a good laugh out of that one, so now I am just going to see how long it takes for other people to start calling me. 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Will someone please tell me why I thought these decals on the back glass of a vehicle were cute and thought about purchasing them?  It is almost like advertising to a serial killer how many people are in the house. 

This summer when my weight peaked at 190.  I somehow thought that I would always be that size, so I gave away all of my size 12 clothing.  Now that I am almost back into a size 12, I have to buy new clothing.  The issue is that I am on lockdown.  I don't want to spend any money and I don't want to eat anything.  I am afraid of using things or food to stuff into this hole that I feel inside.  I know that it is up to me to heal myself.  I am not sure what the future holds for me so I am hoarding my money to ensure that I have options. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

just not that into me

I finally acknowledged the reason behind my obsession with Oregon. I haven't had sex in six years. That is scary.  I had found him on Facebook to apologize for treating him so bad.  I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it.  He had texted me a few times and I just wasn't that into him.  Then one day I bit.  I was unhappy with the lack of intimacy in my marriage and I already have issues with sex, so it was comfortable to go back to someone who told me I was pretty and sexy and all of those things you want to hear.  I was glad that I was able to talk him last week, it was nice to have someone there for me, but I know in my heart he just isn't that into me and I need to let it go. 

I need to decide what to do about my marriage.  My therapist says that you try to fix your childhood through your relationships....boy am I.  I feel as though he is my father and mother all put together.  Obviously, he isn't cheating on me, physically. He is mad, he does the whole silent treatment like my mother.  Wednesday nights, my husband thinks that we must be the first people at church and I should be home at 430.  I am really not suppose to leave until 5.  My boss doesn't give me huge amounts of grief about it because I do stay late on some nights.  I wasn't able to leave and get home until almost 5.  He was sitting in his chair, not talking to me.  He follows me to the bedroom where I tell him to stop complaining, it is Christmas and we get busy, and I cant just leave if we are busy.  We get in the car and I say something, he doesn't answer, so I ask if he isn't talking to me. He tells me that he doesn't like it when people make him late.  I reiterate my previous discussion.  I would have never done that before.  I would have continued to let him not talk to me and then one day I would just freak out, like my mother does. 

So I am on the phone with my sister and I feel as though her life is an endless loop tape.  I suppose that is part of the disease.  I called her last Tuesday and she was so drunk that she doesn't even remember that we talked.  Today I call her and she is sitting at her house feeling sorry for herself.  Which is only going to make her drink. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013


it cracks me up when people get all tied up into titles, I always think it must be a self esteem thing

I used to be that way.  I wasn't JUST an assistant manager, I was the "operations manager".  Then when I finally got to be a store manager and realized that it didn't really mean anything other than there was no one between you and the butt chewing and everyone wanted something from you. 

Once we were at a family function and someone asked me where I worked, I told them the place.  They didn't ask me what I did, so I didn't tell them.  My mother interjected that I was the "store manager". 

It didn't take me very long to figure out to not tell people that because they either had a good experience there or a bad experience and they wanted to tell you all about it.  I always wanted to tell them that I worked almost 12 hours a day/5 to 6 days a week.  If they have an issue and want to talk about it, catch me there.

It is kind of like what I am going through with the assistant manager position now.  I promoted someone and yeah, the raise was nice, but I don't have lesser expectations from the rest of my management staff now that I have an assistant.  I absolutely don't look at any of them any differently than I did before. 

People get so hung up on titles.  I don't think that I have the best self esteem but I know that there isn't any title in the world that will make my esteem any better and if it does it is only temporary. 

It is like expecting a man to make my issues go away, it isn't going to happen and I have to work on them with my therapist.  I heard a lady the other night suggest that everyone have therapy for a year. 

welcome to law enforcement

okay, so I get an email the other day to drop a class because I hadn't taken all of the required classes first.  My first question is if all of the requirements had not been met then why did it let me enroll and second question is how in the heck am I going to find a class that I need to take that isn't full?  Seriously, it is business policy, what prereq should you need for that, except knowing how to read.

One of my people is married to the head of security at a local college, she says he is the chief of police.  She called me hysterical today because there had been a threat against him and his family.  I am not sure if it is experience, age, or medication that makes me unfazed by this stuff.  I told her that one time there was a call to the police dept for my mother and the lady said, I have your daughter and I am going to kill her.  It ended up being a big misunderstanding, but we were all freaked out for a day or so.  Then I had Butch who would tell me that the people he had "put away" might come and find him and use me to get to him.  This is probably why I suffer from general anxiety disorder. 

I couldn't help but feel bad for Kim.  She was so upset.  Welcome to the wide world of being in a law enforcement family.  I finally just told her that if she stopped living her life then they win. 

Horrible things happen everyday, yesterday another kid walked into a school shot a few people and took his own life.  He was actually there to kill the librarian.  I never particularly liked any librarians that I had in school, but the feeling wasn't deep enough to make me want to kill them.  I wished the kid had not have taken his life so that maybe we could figure out what makes these children go to such extremes. 

My husband thinks that men are more likely to commit suicide because they see an instant solution to their problem where as women think past the moment.  I have had some really low moments, but I always think about what it would do to my family.  I cant leave my niece alone in this world or my bff. 

I always figure when it is my time, I will go and meet my maker.  I still wear my seatbelt, quit smoking, and always trust your feelings of when you think something is wrong it probably is.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

work appropriate discussions

okay, so I love amazon....I just did my Christmas shopping for my husband, sister in law and brother in law in less than an hour. 

My department manager who didn't get the promotion because she does things that aren't appropriate comes into the office with an hourly and proceed to show me a video of a lady with huge knockers and I stopped watching.  First of all, I am not paying you to watch whatever talent she has with these huge knockers and you shouldn't be either.  I pointed out that wasn't appropriate behavior for a manager and she said that it didn't matter because she was never going to get promoted.  I replied you might, but not with that behavior.  I have another hourly who has gone around the entire store telling everyone that his women wants to invite another women into their bed.  REALLY?? I had a girl walk up to a guy and ask if he was bi in front of customers.  This same guy spent time asking if I was sleeping with my assistant. Why do people thing this is appropriate workplace conversation.  So tomorrow I get to spend my day on the phone with HR.  Why cant people just show up to work and work.  Why do I have to keep explaining that people could perceive that as sexual harassment?  I wonder at times if I am making a bad impression or if I make them think that this is okay. I don't really want HR in my store, but I would like for this kind of behavior to stop.

I know.  I didn't always talk about things that were work appropriate when I was a young manager and my boss would not have gone for that kind of discussion.  I am just so hyper sensitive to this kind of behavior because I know how easy it can get out of control and then you are firing your entire management staff and working open to close and everyone believes that you are a horrible manager who lets people have orgies in the backroom. 

This is my motivation for going to school and getting out of management....they are going to be the death of me!!!!!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

my new vernacular

I think that I am going to add two new sayings to my vernacular.  First would be "I know a really good therapist, I will give you her number and you can tell her your issues" and "add that person to the list of people that I am not talking to".

I watched a lady last night and she was talking about God and patience, she had kept a list for 8 weeks of things that had aggravated her.   I thought that sounded like a good plan, but my list was probably as long (for one single day) as hers and not quite as severe.  Her list contained things like her aunt going blind and having to put her in the nursing home.  Not having water for 24 or 48 hours.  Being stuck in a foreign country and their was either a monsoon or a volcano.  Mine were road rage related, screaming kids making me want to pull my hair out, employees who want to stand around and gossip, a lady that wanted to argue with me on the phone about whether or not I had a phone number she was looking for.  A rabbit that was supposedly left on someone's door step and the mess she had made.  16 pallets of freight on the floor.  I came to the conclusion that there wasn't enough paper in the world to list the things that aggravate me.  I couldn't possibly keep up with that much information for 8 weeks. 

last night as I was talking to the one person that I needed more than anything and he was pointing out that I always had a story to tell.  These things don't happen to normal people.  I have  known people that thrived on drama and if there wasn't any, they would create it in a heartbeat.  Am I turning into this person?  I don't want to be this person.  I don't want to have drama in my life.  I just want to find peace and have serenity in my soul. 

"you cannot find peace by avoiding life"

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

from worse to better :)

yep, should have gone to therapy yesterday

I spent my whole day studying for a test that had 37 questions.  I took 12 chapters, made over 150 flashcards for 37 questions.  Oh well, hopefully I did well enough to get me a B. 

I got up this morning and felt really down.  My bff is in London, so I cant call her.  I don't want to talk to the people I work with about my issues.  I called my sister who was drunk and more worried about taking a shower so she could have sex.  I didn't even bother to ask her with who, probably someone she met at the liquor store.  I called the only person who I knew would listen and understand. 

I know what I am doing, I am trying to repair my childhood.  I am back to feeling like I was nine and waiting for someone to put me first and that is never going to happen.  I just end up feeling like I should have never been born, it is just too much hurt.  Too much to get over. 

I got to work this morning and I had a truck waiting for me to unload (oh how I miss having a forklift).  I busted my behind and then decided that the guys could take care of it.  The funny part of the day was I somehow got into a conversation with a guy that had to be in his 70's or 80's about the fall and that I was okay because I had enough padding on my behind and he told me I had a nice behind.  It really cracked me that the old guy still had some spunk. 

My midshift guy "texted in" telling me he couldn't get out of his driveway. The creepy part is that he signs all of his texts with "{(silence)}".....what does that even mean.  One of my assistants asked him and he said that she wouldn't understand.  Okay California boy, it is weird and if you cant explain it then stop doing it.  This is when I think no wonder your girlfriends dad doesn't like you, you do weird things.  Yes, I know it isn't my place to judge. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

same ole song and dance

darned if I do, darned if I don't....this pretty much sums up my feelings today.

I spent the entire day studying for my final which I am not feeling very confident about.  This will be the first class that I haven't made an A in and I know that I shouldn't punish myself for not being perfect.  I have struggled this semester and haven't really had it to give so if I get a B I should be happy. 

I continue to have dreams about Oregon.  I am not sure why I am unable to get him out of my mind, but I continue to pray to God to remove this lust from my heart and I talk to my therapist. 

My dad is angry with me because he feels that I am more interested in helping my sister and nieces than I am in helping him and my mother.  In order to help him, I would have to deal with my mother and that always leaves me feeling horrible.  I feel like I would have to slay the dragon in order to save him and I just am not strong enough for that. 

I know that he resents me, but I find it hard not to resent them.  I am doing what I can to help him with his campaign and they never showed up once to help me with my campaign.  I realize that it wasn't the DA but it was important to me. 

I probably don't leave my husband even though I don't feel as if I can satisfy him either because his parents are the only family that I have that makes me feel wanted.  I have worked my butt off in school and I have a 3.82 GPA and the only people I have to celebrate with are my husband and his family.  I have paid for school by myself, except this next semester my in laws are paying because I asked that whatever money they were going to spend on me, please just write a check payable to the school for tuition. 

This is probably what led to my depression in the first place.  I try so hard and I feel as though I take one step forward and three steps back. 

I should have gone to therapy today. 

Friday, December 6, 2013


I get a text yesterday from niece that states her father is picking his wife over his girls and they need to move out. 

Yes, I realize there are two sides to every story and I only know one.  Which is that she has an addiction problem, has two or three DUIs, been in a few wrecks, and is abusive to my nieces.  I think someone got involved because she moved out and my ex brother in law has been paying for her rent and bills.  The girls expressed that they want their father to be happy, but do not feel comfortable with her when he isn't around and he agreed.  He is a fireman so he is gone for long periods of time and then the time that he spends at his wife's house leaves the girls alone too much.  Time has passed and he is unhappy with the situation and wants his wife to move back in, the girls expressed their concern and he told them that if they didn't like it they could move. 

My mother wrecked the mule, backed into the retaining wall just like she did with the town car.  My dad is so depressed that he doesn't have the will to live.  I understand what that feels like.  I don't think that I was ever suicidal, that would have taken too much energy and as much as I didn't want to hurt.  I thought about what that would do to my family. 

I have been trying to touch base with my sister daily.  I am concerned that she is going to die either by drinking herself to death or take me up on that idea of taking a handful of pills.  This is all the girls need is a dead mother. 

I didn't have an alcoholic mother, but I did have a workaholic mother.  I know what it is like for a father to pick a woman over his daughter.  I feel in some way that I am watching my childhood replayed.  I know the damage that it can do and I am so fearful for those girls and the issues they will have.  I can only pray that they wont be forty when they deal with them. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

a helping hand

don't look down on someone unless you are willing to help them up

my bff told me that the other day and I thought it was a great way to look at life. 

I went to therapy on Tuesday and things have been going good.  I answer my phone when people call and I am getting out of the house more.  Now, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I told my therapist that this would happen, I had a horrible feeling in the bottom of my soul that there was trouble around the corner.  We spent time talking about that and we all know that good times don't last but neither do bad times.  I just have to have faith that whatever happens, I am able to deal with it.  I had been listening to the radio on the way and they were talking about optimistic and pessimistic people, pessimistic people are more likely to be depressed.  I had a relationship years ago and I still talk to the guy from time to time.  I always seem to remember the bad things that happened.  I wondered why I was so hard wired to remember the bad.  My therapist told me that our brains are trained to remember bad things to keep us from making the same mistake again, especially traumatic situations.  She told me that it is these memories that make me survive in fight or flight mode.  I asked her how long she thought I had been in fight or flight and she replied "since I was swaddled as a baby".  No wonder I am so tired all of the time.  I felt better after having the conversation with her.  I feel as though I have clawed my way out of this depression and I don't want anything to derail me. 

Today my bff is flying to London to see her brother.  When her mother died, she was cremated and she keep some of the ashes, she is taking those with her to England.  I thought that was very cool. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

radical therapy

so, it is funny how you need to be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it

I spoke to my sister again today and she wanted a blow by blow of what happened the day that I came to pick her up and what her daughter saw.  She wanted to know if her daughter knew that she was drunk.  I told her she wasn't fooling anyone.  The only thing that I know to relate her addiction to is being in an abusive relationship.  I had to stay with my ex-husband until I had absolutely, positively had enough.  I asked her if she was done, didn't really get a straight answer, but then again I didn't expect one.  Yes, I realize that it is a losing battle, but I don't have anything to lose.  I either will get through to her or she will continue drinking and die.  I am prepared for either decision, but I feel for my nieces I must try. 

My bff came by today and told me that a mutual friend of ours is getting divorced.  I wasn't shocked because I have known for years that she has had issues with her husband and spending money and her trying to keep their business going.  My bff said that everyone was surprised because everyone thought they were okay because they outwardly seemed okay.  It is funny how some problems are able to be hidden by the masks and some cant.  I suppose when you cant stand up it is kind of hard to hide behind the mask. 

My bff battled alcohol and has now been sober for 14 months, she still goes to AA meetings.  It was interesting to get her insight on the issue with my sister.  She had been to rehab years ago and it didn't stick.  Then one day she just woke up and decided that she was tired of the roller coaster.  She says that I need to go to an AA meeting with her, that I would feel like a princess.  She says that she feels really lucky that she still has all of her teeth, her liver isn't damaged, and that her family still talks to her.  Alcohol already damaged her relationship with her daughter, but now that she is older things are better.  She says that some times her son goes with her to her meetings and that he says he didn't know which mom was going to show up when she was drinking.  If that isn't a reason to stay sober, I don't know what is. 

My bff and I have both gone/going through therapy.  Radical therapy is when you acknowledge the past/present as what it is.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

life is full of choices

yesterday I spent time thinking about my sister and it hit me, she is never going to stop drinking.  I had made a comment about my eye glasses and that my prescription had changed.  She said that her prescription was wrong because she was drunk when she went and got her eyes examined.  I told her that I couldn't believe that they didn't send her home.  She said that they didn't know that she was drunk.  I told her that she wasn't fooling anyone.  I could smell it on her when I picked her up the day before.  She laughed about going to the eye doctor drunk, she wasn't acting embarrassed or shocked at her behavior.  I remember that is how my ex husband used to talk about his drug days, reminiscent.  Little did I realize that he was still on drugs. 

I called Butch last night and told him about what had happened. 

I then called her today and told her that I had spoken to him about the incident.  I told her that I didn't want to lose her, but if she continued to drink that she would die.  I pulled no punches today and was hoping that I could be the voice of reason.  Little did I know that I was another voice to add to the same song and dance that everyone else has participated in. 

One person I talked to yesterday told me that I needed to move her in with me.....uh, no.  I am just now digging myself out of a depression that I have had for the last 15 months.  I don't have good boundaries with people and especially not the master manipulator.  I am sure that is really killing her, that she isn't able to use her charm and good looks to get people to do what she wants them to do.  Most of her friends are gone because they are tired of dealing with the drama. 

It isn't my problem to solve and I am not going to compromise my mental health for someone who obviously doesn't want to get better. 

There was one ironic part to the conversation, she met a really nice guy......he works at the liquor store.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

diseases and being thankful

I just got home from my marathon thanksgiving.  I left my store yesterday at 2:15, came home to change, clean out the car and head to pick up my sister and niece.  I got my niece and her dog (my cat is bigger than her dog).  The dog has a cast before her sister dropped it and so it thumps through the house on our wooden floors. I started calling it thumper, my husband called it flea.  My 100lb weimaraner wanted to play so bad, but his paw was almost as big as that dog.  Paisely wasn't happy, she doesn't do well with change.  I got a great surprise this morning, my dad came and drank coffee with us and had lunch with us as well.  My mother called (I suppose she had just gotten up) and wanted him to bring her lunch.  I then loaded everyone back into the car to take them back home. 

I know that alcoholism is a disease/addiction, whatever you want to call it.   I really feel that at one time I really had an issue with alcohol.  Then I met my husband and he saved my life.  I then substituted it for shopping, eating, working and/or working out.  So, we showed up yesterday and my sister was drunk.  I hated that my niece had to see that, but I did have the opportunity to talk to my sister about it.  She said she knew it was wrong when she grabbed her keys and went to the liquor store, but she thought that she could have just one drink.  I told her that isn't going to be possible.  It is like the cookies on the snack shelf, if I open them, I won't be able to have just one.  I just cannot do it, I will eat the entire package, so I just cant have the cookies.  I can't even think about the cookies.

I am aware that we all have our own crosses to bear and I seem to have a few women in my life that are alcoholics.  I do know that it isn't my responsibility to fix them and I can only give advice based on my experiences.  I can see the sadness and loneliness in her eyes.  I know what that feels like and I would not want to wish that on anyone. 

I am fortunate to be in a place in my life where I am able to work on my issues, my insecurities, and the self defeating behavior that has hurt me so much in my life.  This is what I am thankful for today. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

still holding onto anger

It is amazing how much difference a year makes.  I was cleaning my office the other day, so that my sister had a clean place to stay for thanksgiving and I found my daily devotion book, it was left on August 20th.  I used to get up every morning, read my devotion and spend time in prayer.  Then my world went into this downward spiral of depression. 

I can actually say that I have had some good days lately.  I got up yesterday and cleaned house before my doctors appointment.  I have lost 25 lbs (which amazes even me).  My world is in a very different place than it was last year and I am very thankful.  I don't know if it is the meds or the therapy or both.

I am still trying to work through my issues.  I realized that I am still angry, hurt, and disappointed in the way that my husband treated me during our first two years of marriage.  I must get over this if I would like my marriage to work. 

I was talking to my sister tonight and she was talking about Butch.  He has been really helpful to her, it was funny one day my therapist asked me if it made me mad or jealous that he was helping her and the thought had never crossed my mind.  I was thankful he was doing something for one of us.  I just wish that he would help my aunt with my uncle.  I spent my entire life with him choosing a woman over me.  I get that he is married and that he must have some respect for that union, but for once it would be nice if he would choose family. 

I often wonder if Butch would act differently if my grandpa was still alive. 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

cat wrangling and strange names

I have decided that since my dog doesn't want to listen I have officially given her a middle name, thinking that she will know that she is really in trouble.  I don't think that she received that memo because when I have started to use her middle name and call her "Paisely Renee" she continues the behavior that I am trying to get her to stop.  I really think that she is going deaf. 

My cats started sneezing earlier this week and now I have to give them a liquid antibiotic and eye drops.  So twice a day I have become a cat wrangler and they hate me for it.  I am not sure how many more ways I can psych them out and catch them.  Yesterday I was walking through the living room and was trying to act as if I didn't even see the cat standing in the floor, then I swooped down and trapped her.  I am suppose to give these eye drops four times a day and I am doing good to give them twice. 

My parents are now into the war of the roses.  My dad has moved out to the pool house because my mother sleeps all day and wants to start cleaning house, watching TV, and turning on all the lights when he needs to go to bed.  Now she has taken to calling me.  She called me Wednesday night to tell me that he cancelled her doctors appointment and would I take her.  Thursday night she couldn't get the mop to work.  Last night he was down graded to "the man that I am married to".  My poor dad. 

I watched a Spike Lee interview last night and he and his wife named their daughter "Satchel".  All I could think of was that she should be hanging out with Michael Jackson's son "Blanket". 

Just to show that there is someone for everyone.  Charlie Manson is getting married to a girl (she is in her 20's) he has named "Star".

Monday, November 18, 2013

turkey necks and death

today after my therapy session, I decided that I needed some retail therapy.  It probably doesn't help that the mall is right across the street from my therapist.  I can pull my pants down without having to unbutton them isn't a good thing either.  I was actually looking for some soft, thick sweaters, since the pants I like to wear have been discontinued and I am hoping to find some on the website.  I did notice that turtle necks are coming back in style.  I stopped and looked at one and then remembered that they made me claustrophobic.  As I walked away I heard two older than me ladies talking about how they didn't like turtle necks either and one responded that she didn't like them because the skin of her neck hung over the sweater.  I am not sure how I controlled myself from busting out laughing.  I did remember to put my night serum on my neck tonight so that hopefully I wont have a turkey neck when I get older.....

I tell people that I have a blog.  I am not sure when you cross the line from having a blog to be a blogger.  I was listening to an interview of a lady who is a blogger and if you have noticed I added her blog to my list.  I couldn't follow her because apparently you max at 5000 followers.......I wouldn't know.  I get excited when I get more than 50 people to read my blog in a day.  Thank you French person for reading, it makes me feel honored that someone oversees is interested in my little life.  Any who, most of her stuff is humor, but she did get into this discussion of how she fell into this depression and wanted to die.  She even had a plan, she was going to go and sit in a frozen lake and wait for hypothermia to set in.  I don't think that I am that dedicated to not being on this earth.  Then she hit me with, her depression lasted 19 months....really, I am a year into this and feel as though I have done my time. 

Therapy is interesting.  I so didn't want to go and see someone who would look at me and say "so, how do you feel about that?".  I can get that for free.  It is like going to the doctor for a major ailment and then remember two days later you should have told him about the pain in your back.  With therapy you can do that.  I used to wait for her to broach a subject and she usually does a recap, but now I go into the office with a topic...sometimes we get to it and sometimes we don't.  The good news is that I have next week and the week after that and the week after that.  I am still trying to process the conflicting messages I get from my head and my heart.  I love that she calls me on my BS.  She will say to me, I see that intellectually you get this, but I don't think that you get this on a emotionally level. 

I feel so bipolar at times, I suppose most women do, it is all of these hormones running through our body.  I can be so black and white at times and then see the shades of grey.  She told me today that I didn't respect my husband, she just slipped it into the conversation.  A few sentences later I had to go back to that statement.  It makes me think what respect is and what I do to disrespect him.  I disrespect my husband by talking about him behind his back, I don't think that he would ever do that to me.  I disrespect my husband by letting other people into our marriage.  I don't trust my husband with our money so I keep my own money.  I don't always trust my husband to do the things that he says that he will do.  This is probably my biggest pet peeve because it is the thing that I dislike the most about myself.  I dislike that he is willing to sacrifice my feelings to be right.  I can understand that though, there was a point that I had to always be right and I am still this way at times, but I have learned with my husband it is less energy to just agree.  Once again, I am letting other people into my marriage, so I think I will stop while I am ahead and just think on that interesting statement. 


My husband always tells me that my dreams are my subconscious trying to work out issues.  I keep having this dream about a guy that I dated when I was a sophomore.  I haven't seen him or talked to him since at least 1992. 

David was a really good guy and I treated him very bad.  I was too caught up in my low self esteem and he wasn't very popular that I would often break up with him because I was embarrassed of him. I wanted to be popular more than anything and he was an anchor. I just thought that if I became popular that I would be happy.  Unfortunately, he was collateral damage.  He soon became tired of the back and forth, and stop participating in my game.  I wanted him back.  I am not sure if it is because he was not there anymore or if it was because I genuinely realized what I had lost.  I just remember feeling black on the inside because I had treated him so bad. I am Facebook friends with his sister, but I don't know if she has put the two together because I am sure that she would not like for treating her brother so badly.  Then I remind myself that was 1987 and I am sure all parties except for me have gotten over it. 

I remember when my husband and I started dating I told my best friend that I had met my nerd.  The guy I could count on, the guy that would cherish me, and not treat me bad.

I know what it feels like to be treated bad so it really bothers me when I look at my past and know that I have treated some people who really cared about me like crap.  Then it makes me wonder if I chose the people who treated me bad because I felt like I deserved it.  Going back to that NIN song, I hurt myself today to see if I still feel....I focus on the pain....its the only thing that's real.  Pain I can do, I am very used to it.  Joy is hard, you can't really enjoy it because you know it will end and then the pain will come back. 

My niece had a post on Facebook the other day about feeling good and having anxiety about when it will end.  I wanted to stop time.  She is so much like me that it absolutely scares me.  I tried to send her an uplifting text about good and bad, you have to have the bad to enjoy the good, but when you have the good, enjoy it.  I so do not want her to go through all of the pain that I have the last 40 years.  I would walk through fire to keep that from happening. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

feeling better

I now know why I have NEVER had a puppy.  I just don't have it to give for the puppy phase, I own lazy animals.  Why, because I am lazy.  We offered to dog sit my in laws puppy.  I have never felt like such a bad person, that dog caused so much chaos in this house that I had to drug Paisely and  Chloe hid under the bed.  The only one that was sad to see her go was Bubba, he had someone to finally play with, they played for hours outside.  When Tiny wasn't outside she was in her crate.  I love animals but that poor puppy was more than any of us could handle.

I have had a long exhausting week.  I went to bed last night at 7pm and didn't get up until almost 7 this morning, good thing because we were busy today.  I had to run to the bank twice to get change and I still don't know if they will have enough to make it through the weekend. 

My assistant talked to me today about his sister.  The baby had become so active that it had twisted his umbilical cord too many times that there was no way for any nutrients to get to him.  The doctor went ahead and cut her tubes while he did the c section.  The doctor told her that if she had gone full term that she probably would have died, so my assistant was able to see the good in the midst of the bad.  It just reminds me that God always knows what is best.  I just need to learn how to listen better and be able to discern God's wants for my life with what I want for my life. 

I went on the second bank run and there was a new homeless guy standing on the corner.  I watched as he limped his way to collect something from someone.  When I left for the day, I gave him $5 which is totally against how I feel about these people.  Something told me to give him the money, so I did.  Maybe I got taken, maybe I didn't but I felt good about the gesture. 

There was a little boy with a terminal disease, he wanted to be batman.  So an organization made his wish come true.  Hundreds, thousands of people came to watch him save a lady before she was hit and killed by a trolley.  My husband almost cried while telling me about it, he was amazed that all of those people came out to support this child and his dream. I responded with maybe they needed it as much as the little boy did. 

We all need something in our lives that makes us feel better. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013


my assistant's sister is pregnant and they found out that the fetus isn't viable, she must be about 4-6 months pregnant and they were going to do a c section today.  I can't even imagine what that must feel like. 

I never know what to say in situations like that "sorry for your loss" sounds so hallmarkish.  I will pray for you, which I do, but saying it sounds so corny.  I found out that one of my neighbors lost her husband and as I was driving around the dogs one Sunday I saw that she was having a garage sale.  I almost stopped but then I was struck with "what do I say?". 

God made the Israelites wander around the wilderness for 40 years to teach them to trust and learn to lean on him.  I know that you have to go through the bad to enjoy the good.  The more that I am tested the more I learn to stop trying to control everything because I cant. 

In this last year I have learned so much.  I am human, I make mistakes.  I have learned to let go of things and people that only leave me feeling bad.  I actually told myself that I was smart and beautiful.  I am not sure that I have ever done that and actually believed myself when I said it.  My motto was always fake it until you make it.  If you acted confident then people would perceive you that way.  As tempted as I am at the time, gossip only brings the negative into your life, and I don't want people to gossip about me.  I have learned to pray for my enemies, no matter how bad they talk about me.  I have learned that their opinions aren't worth beating myself up for.  Employees will come and they will go, if they leave, they will say bad things about me, but I am not there to be their bff or their therapist.  I am there to run a business and sometimes we just don't have the same vision about how that should happen.  Conflict doesn't always have to be ridden with strife.  As I was told last week, managers should NEVER scream.  oops. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

sex and intimacy

flying in and out of Dallas for a meeting during the middle of the week, really made the rest of my week exhausting.  I am glad that I have the crew that I do because we were able to get a lot done in the little amount of time that I had left this week. 

one frustrating thing happened my dept. manager called in because her son was pushed down the bleachers and he was bleeding.  I could tell that she was upset but was stuck on the register and didn't want to seem rude to my customers.  She later sent me a text that said something about how I used to be more sympathetic when she was upset.  I really wanted to go off and tell her that no one seemed to give a flip about my problems or bother to ask how I am doing.  I watched as they took my husband off the ER in an ambulance and I didn't receive a phone call or a text asking how him or I was doing.  I just don't have it to give for people that don't have it to give to me. 

I did have a conversation with my therapist today about being sexually abused as a child.  I have issues with sex, which is probably why I have chosen to stay with my husband (that and I am sure that I would pick someone worse to be with).  She asked me if my issues were because I was abused as a child and I said I am sure that it was a combination of things, the abuse, butch's wonderful views on women, and my husband raping me.  The thing I do know is that the last two relationships I have had, sex has been an issue.  My issue is that I view sex as dirty.  I have to change my view of sex and intimacy. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

somber outlook

another busy week. 

I had therapy on Monday. I felt very empowered after my issues on Sunday.  It is probably the first time that I had ever did what was right for me instead of just taking what someone else was willing to give me. 

Tuesday I had to fly to Dallas for meetings.  I was stuck with drunk people during dinner.  I honestly felt as though I was babysitting and it was without parental supervision.  I ended up going to bed about 10 and had to be up and downstairs by 630 am.  I finally got home last night about 10.  Needless to say today I am exhausted.

On the way to the airport it was really different.  The president was in town and had flew into Dallas love, the same airport we were flying out of, you couldn't go 20 feet without seeing a police car.  He must have just landed because when we arrived at Dallas love airfield we were able to see air force one.  The man that checked in my baggage said he watched air force one land on the runway, he said it was the smoothest landing he had ever seen.  I wasn't sure when we arrived if the president was coming or going so when I looked at the flight board I really expected to see that all of the flights were delayed.  We didn't fly out until 755, Patty and I sat in the back of the plane and we drove right past air force one. 

I got home and easily found my car and they were interviewing a man that had written a new book about JFK and his cabinet.  It finally dawned on me that I had just flew out of the airport that JFK flew in and was flown out of that horrible day 50 years ago.  It made the day seem not so exciting but more somber. 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

are you kidding me

This is my rant today......PEOPLE STOP MESSING WITH ME!!!!

I am sitting and doing my homework today when my phone goes off.  Kim and I had been texting back and forth about our trip on Tuesday.  I look and it is the person who called a month ago, told me he was here for me then fell off the face of the earth.  Are you kidding me????  I am seriously going to have a nervous breakdown.  It took me 6 hours to do my homework tonight, I still have not a clue how to figure out production volume variance.  I realized Friday that I am not going to be in town for my test Tuesday so I sent my instructor an email, which I have not received an answer. 

I figured out today that I am not as smart as I thought I was.  I am now in senior status and I wanted to take quantative analysis and supply chain management class with a teacher I had this summer whom I really liked, but I cant because I haven't taken stats.  What the freak does supply chain management have to do with stats and what does supply chain management have to do with accounting.  I don't know, but I did manage to get two classes in for next semester.  I am hoping that I will be in a better place mentally and I wont have to struggle as much or ugh, drop a class. 

I saw the lady that used to be my dog trainer after they had taken my husband to the ER.  When I had signed up for linked in, it automatically took everyone from my contact list and sent them an invite.  She sent me a message that caught me off guard, asking me if we were friends.  I wasn't aware that we weren't is what I think I sent back to her.  Anyway, I saw her and I almost followed her to ask her what her beef was with me.  I have gone from being afraid of confrontation, to tracking people down to ask them what their problem is.  I just need to find a way to do it without being angry, but then again if I wasn't angry I probably wouldn't track them down. 

Karate chop kind of day

Yesterday I wanted to sit and cry. My department manager told me to go home, go get a pedicure.   I told her I would of I thought that would make me feel better.   I did manage to get a haircut because danita and I couldn't remember the last time she had cut my hair.  

I felt better then came home to a house where no one is talking.  The other half had thought for an entire day about his come back for me being angry the morning before and decided to unleash his wittiness on me before I had to go to work.   It was my fault be had a hypoglycemic episode because I made him get an insulin pump.   I told him to stop using it and go back to his old way.  I finally stopped talking and left the house.   I had gotten up yesterday morning, prayed for my enemies and asked god's forgiveness for where I have failed him. I was feeling as though I was in a good space, then here comes the Monday morning quarterback to put me in a sad mood for the day.

I get to work and look up to find the guy who wrote on Facebook that I was "the worst manager ever and I needed to sit and think about all of the people who don't like me" standing in the store wasting my employees time.   I so wanted to confront him about his comments, say something snarky, but then I would be no better than him.  I did finally have to ask him to leave.  I am sure he had great things to say about me after that.

I am not a physical person but there were two times yesterday that I really wanted to karate chop someone in the throat.  I actually envisioned myself doing it. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

my fun halloween

as if this week couldn't have gotten any better

I was suppose to have lunch with my husband yesterday.  Lunch time comes and lunch time goes, it  is his day off, maybe he went home and fell asleep.  I call him and leave him a voicemail, thinking I must have misunderstood him and he went and ate earlier.  About 430 I get a call from the undersheriff.  I try to call him back and nothing.  I then hear someone ask for me, I walk out of the office and it one of the guys from the sheriffs office and a pd officer.  I am thinking they are here to tell me my husband is dead.  Burt says, matt is in the parking lot.  I ask him if he is conscience.  I honestly do not even remember his answer as we walk to his truck.  I finally get to him and see that his eyes are open.  I ask what his blood sugar is, they say 20.  He has been sitting in the parking lot for almost 5 hours.

The sheriff is there trying to crack jokes and I am in shock as to the severity of the situation.  They check his blood sugar again and he is at 27.  He is then loaded onto the gurney and put into the back of the ambulance.  His parents get there and his mom gets into the ambulance, she then comes out to tell me that they are going to transport him. 

I drive to the hospital.  I stand in line, see one of the k9 guys and ask if he is awake.  He says yes, but I am still wanting to see him for myself.  There is a lady in front of me, she is taking too much time.  I finally give the lady at the window my insurance card, address, name and phone number for emergency contact.  I then ask if I can go see my husband.  I walk to the area and he is eating.  He still seems weird, but the nurse comes about an hour later and checks his sugar it is 130. 

I finally leave the hospital last night, arrive at my neighborhood at 7 and have to negotiate all of the traffic.  There are cars down both sides of the street and this lady decides to drive towards me, I am not moving and I really want to just push her out of the way.  She sits there like a stupid B until the trailer to my left moves and I have to drive around her. 

I think this morning it finally hit me.  I was angry, sad, and scared all at once. 

My mother is incapable of taking care of herself.  My mother in law has dementia.  My husband could have died in that parking lot with me less than a 100 yards away. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Am I crazy

I feel as though I am going crazy.   I went to see my therapist yesterday and felt like I was in a tail spin.   Today I get up and feel totally different.  Don't get me wrong, I don't feel as though I am going to climb Mount Everest, but I was able to get out of bed without feeling as though I am walking through quick sand.

So I feel like an idiot making everyone change their life around so I could go to the doctor.  

I get to the doctor and asked her if I am crazy?  

So I am upgraded from mild depression with general anxieties to full blown depression. 

I always love it when they ask me if I have issues with energy.  Yeah, since I was like 9.  I don't ever recall not being tired.   I don't even think my parents gave me a bedtime because I was asleep before 8.

Monday, October 28, 2013

bad day

today was a real low, I really thought that my year of depression was coming to an end and today I went to see my therapist and all I wanted to do was cry.  I just don't understand how I can care so little about myself that I cant even take a single step to do the things that she has told me that will make me feel better.  She said that it wasn't because I didn't care enough about myself, it is because the depression has sucked all of the energy out of me.  She was so concerned that I must go back again tomorrow and see my doctor.  I feel as though I am trying to move in quicksand, everything is such a struggle.  Saturday I was so exhausted that I forgot to wear my glasses to work.  I struggled with my homework yesterday, struggling with the same problem over and over again.  It all made me doubt whether I was choosing the correct career path for myself. 

She was impressed that I didn't let all of the mean comments on Facebook about me not get to me.  At one point in time that would have eaten me alive.  It did for a moment, then I really thought about those people's character and they don't have the type of character that is even in the same league as me to judge me. 

She asked me about being in the drivers seat and if that was bothering me.  I told her no that it really just made me angry that this person was still in my life, following my blog, sending me a Facebook message, calling me to tell me they were there then falling off the face of the earth.  This isn't relationship ale carte', you don't get to pick which parts you want to participate in, it is all or nothing.

I am the people pleaser, always have been, it means more to me than anything else in the world.  My boss called me and told me to get my payroll under control.  I didn't make a single change.  He sent me a nasty gram about it on Friday, and I just hit delete.  This is totally not me, I am the model employee if you tell me to wear green socks on Thursday, I am asking what shade. 

I almost didn't go to therapy today.  I just wanted to stay in bed.  Last night, it dawned on me at 8pm that I hadn't eaten anything but crap all day and I got up to make dinner. 

I did call someone the b word today, well the f'ing b word.  Which makes me realize that I am still have issues about being thrown under the bus by someone at my last employer.  I don't know why I am letting it upset me so much, because I have done the same thing she has done. 

I have said it before, you dislike the things in other people that you dislike the most in yourself. 


Saturday, October 26, 2013

feeling like a rock star

we all know how much I love the panhandlers in my community.  Today there was a guy standing on the corner with his sign and a gas can.  I first thought it was a red donation box, which would have been innovative but no he was waving around his gas can. 

I had the pleasure once of working with the best man I have ever known. He had came to work and was approached by a guy who was panhandling for money to buy gas with his gas can in tow.  He asked me if I had a gas can in my car.  No, I have never ran out of gas.  He said that his son had a gas can in his car and he always ran out of gas.  Sad part is this was when gas was still below $2.00.  Wonder how much the sales of gas cans rose with the price of gas.

I actually got to feel like a rock star the other day.  It seems as though every street in this town is under construction.  I was late and tired when I left work the other day, one side of the street was closed and traffic was backed up a mile.  I thought forget this, so I drove between the cones and drove in the closed lane.  Others followed suite and we all got home a little sooner than we would have, it was a nice feeling.  I am just glad that I didn't pass a cop along the way. 

I saw the craziest thing last night on TV.  I was watching catfish and this guy was trying to decide whether to leave his current girlfriend for someone he met online.  The guys said they would only get involved if he broke things off with his current girlfriend.  He had the conversation with her and so they arranged for him to met the person he had been texting with, it was a guy.  He was a psychopath.  He pulls up in this car and gets out doing this slow clap.  I suppose he thought he was the police of all online cheaters.  Supposedly his girlfriend had been with guys who had cheated on her so he thought it was his job to punk these guys that were looking to cheat.  They finally went to the guys house the next day, he was just as crazy.  I never saw a girlfriend.  He then said that this guy was different, so they asked if he was gay and he said maybe.  He probably has his girlfriend locked in the basement or he killed her and is practicing taxidermy. 

Sad part is that this guy really reminded me of someone from my past and it made me realize that I don't have good judgment when it comes to people in my personal life.  This guy had a lot of issues, a self esteem issue, and he was VERY angry about it and I am sure in a narcissistic way he had a way of blaming everyone else in his life for his issues. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

at the breaking point

so I am still emotionally and physically exhausted from last weekend.  I hate strife in my life....not sure why I thought management was my calling.  Yet, here I am. 

I was so thankful to get home from church and be able to crawl into bed.  I still haven't worked on the friend thing.  I did talk to my sister last night, we laughed for about an hour. 

Saw one of Butch's ex girlfriends mug shot on the internet, she is only three years younger than I am, she was thrown in jail for carrying a firearm and having a suspended license.  LOVELY!!!  

I did go to the jail today and get my background check and fingerprints for my conceal carry license.  I guess it isn't a conceal carry, since the state is now open carry.  I just have to go and get a passport photo made.  I am so glad that I have never been thrown in jail, every time I heard one of the doors slam shut it just made me jump.  I am not sure that there are people out there say that they are made for jail, but I can tell you that I am defiantly not one of them.  I was very thankful that they don't use ink anymore for fingerprints.  I would have had a hard time explaining that when I got back to work.  Then there was this secret thought that I won't ever be able to commit a crime without being caught because they now had my fingerprints.  What if I am falsely accused of a crime????  I must always have an alibi.  Um, this was my clue to start taking my anti anxiety medication like I am suppose to. 

My father is freaking me out.  I know that mother is sucking the life out of him, but my skin is not thick enough to deal with her.  He has to have some relief though.  I cant even imagine what it is like to watch the woman that you love fade away right before your eyes.  I feel as though I cannot get away from it, I have to deal with it on both sides of my family.  My mother in law has dementia, which will turn into Alzheimer's.  My mother might as well have Alzheimer's.  On top of that she has zero mobility and like my mother in law, cannot sit still.  I half way expected my mother in law to get up and wonder around during church tonight.  She will start cleaning up the table, start fiddling with her purse, put on her lipstick, blow her nose. 

God, I am really not sure what the lesson is here, but I am already close to losing my mind.....I really cannot handle much more.  Oh and can you send me a friend?

Monday, October 21, 2013


I am exhausted after the weekend.  Saturday ended up with a shouting match.  HR basically said that if we went to court we would lose.  It is perfectly okay to badmouth your boss on Facebook, which I am fine with.  LP will get involved with the giving away of things.  I ended up the day feeling good about the situation but was frustrated by her inability to take responsibility for any of the reasons with why I was not going to promote her.  My other manager said that was just how people were these days, unable to take responsibility for their own actions.  Oh well.  I told her that I would do whatever I could to help her find another job. 

So far I have been proud of myself for not internalizing the remarks from all of the former employees who think that I do nothing and that I am a bad manager.  I was upset about this on Saturday, but then I thought of the character of the people who were bad mouthing me and realized that they were not people of character and their opinion meant nothing to me.  Really, I am suppose to sit around and think of all of the people who don't like me????  I am not paying you to be my friend.  I am paying you to do a job. 

My therapist says I need to get out and get more something other than work going for me. The issue is that after I spend all day with people, I don't want to have to go out and spend more time with people who I may or may not like.  I am sick of wearing the mask.  I tried to find an overeaters anon meeting, but the closest one was 45 minutes away.  I thought of getting involved with a group at the church, but I am concerned about my inability to say no.  Everyone my age has kids, I don't have any kids and it is hard to relate to their issues.  Matt and I got in the elevator and I told him that we needed to get friends, he said "I don't want any friends", my reply was I don't either.  I must find something else to focus on besides these bloodsucking employees that I have.  I would ignore them but I am too scared that if left to their own devices I would end up in another depot issue.

I was good, feeling good, feeling relaxed on the way home.  Then my husband brings up work and the issues I have.  I smacked him and told him thank you, now I am stressed.  This is why I don't talk about my work. 

guilt and shame

"When we sin, guilt is the right response. Guilt is used by God to show us our need for him.  Guilt is not our problem.  If we all felt guilt, we would admit wrong and run to God for help.  But that's not what we do.

  We feel guilt for not measuring up, but then we feel shame on top of that.  And shame is a different thing altogether.

Guilt says I did wrong.
Shame says I am wrong.
Guilt deals with behavior.
Shame deals with identity.
Guilt leads to repentance.
Shame leads to hiding."

Emily P Freeman Grace for the Good Girl

Friday, October 18, 2013

put my faith in God

Apparently, I need to sit down and think about all of the people that dislike me....

My department manager felt the need to go to the internet and air her dirty laundry, which our company has a strict policy against.  Tomorrow I get to put her on administrative leave, I figure she will throw her keys at me anyway.  I guess I should start practicing to duck.  In the airing of her dirty laundry I was called the worst manager ever. 

I remember why I got involved in management all of those years ago.  I had worked for bad managers and I wanted to positively effect people lives.  I wanted to treat people right.  I am now figuring out that cannot be accomplished if you want people to actually work for their paycheck.  I will never understand people and their mediocrity.  It is like I have said before, sometimes you want more for people than they want for themselves.

If all works out well, this person will be gone instead of making my life a living hell until she either leaves or I get rid of her. 

I was so not looking forward to having to go through more drama the next few weeks.  I am thankful to God for taking care of my situation and reminding me that I just need to put my faith in him and remember that he always has a plan. 

I just don't understand why I just can't run a good store, have happy employees and not have any freaking drama!!!!

Thursday, October 17, 2013


well, I finally bit the bullet today and told my department manager that she wouldn't become my new assistant.  She then told me she would be looking for a new job and then left early. 

This is what I do.  I come home and feel guilty because I have made someone upset and now they are angry with me.  When in reality they are the ones that made the decisions to do stupid things (going out with employees, making out with one, relinquishing an animal so that the company would pay for the surgery on the animal, taking items that were to be destroyed) and I have pointed out every year that I have issue with this kind of integrity.  I told this person that I just cannot put myself in a position where I cannot trust their judgment, I have burned by that and I am not about to let myself be put in that position again. 

Honestly with all of this being said, it is probably better that she leaves.  I just hope that it is quick and painless.  I hope that I am not graded on turnover this year.....because I am going to just fail. 

Today was a good day, even with the drama. 

I think that yesterday put things into perspective.  I have a good quality of life.  I don't have to depend on someone to get me from point a to point b, physically.  The flip side of that coin is that I don't have a ton of sympathy for people when they are complaining about things.  There was a young man who stood up last night at church and said that his mother died when he was six.  That is horrible.  He spoke of being addicted to online porn and drugs.  He was probably barely in his twenties, not old enough to have that much baggage.  My heart went out to him.  At least I am 41, I had 35 more years than he had.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

doctors visits and sympathy

I went to the doctor with my mother today. 

The doctor told her that the tumors don't look as though they have grown much, but from the last two scans she has what looks like an aneurysm.  She needs to have a MRA to confirm.  The doctor looked at her either as a miracle or a dead person, I couldn't quite tell.  He could tell her quality of life was not good.  The aneurysm isn't what is causing her headaches, loss of vision in her right eye, or her loss of equilibrium.  She had to use her wheelchair to get to the doctor's office and then she kept trying to get out of it and had to have help to do that.  The plan is that she gets the MRA then she needs to see an oncologist for her lung cancer, not that there is really anything that can be done.  The doctor said there is nothing to be done for the tumors either. 

The day went well.  I am exhausted and I don't even have to deal with her every day.  She did laugh when my dad said that she would outlive him and I said that would be God's way of punishing me.  I did get to hear her wicked laugh.  I am not sure if she understood what I was saying or was laughing because this was her plan. 

I spent my morning at work comparing everyone's complaint to "is your mother dying of cancer", sorry no sympathy here. 

I had a lady come in and want a price match on litter then want a carry out, telling me about her bad back the entire time.  Sorry, you aren't dying, shut up. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

the grim reaper

my mother has decided to go and see the doctor tomorrow.  I offered to go but in the end it was decided that it might make the situation worse, so I will just try to stay busy at work.  I don't know what I expect from tomorrow, a timeline for when this can all end. I cried tonight, I am not sure if it was for her or for me or just the situation.  I mostly want some peace for my dad who has taken the brunt of her anger, who has cleaned her up after she has crapped all over herself.  Has taken over the household chores, worked, and now refers to her calling him an asshole as a term of endearment.  Maybe I cry because I want the end to be near, I want to remember her laugh and wicked sense of humor.  I don't want to remember her as she is now, confused and unable to complete small tasks. 

I think that I finally understand why people cut to relieve the pressure.  It is as if it has all built up so much inside that there is no where else for the feelings to go. 

I did get into the drivers seat today.  I took a step to control my future instead of letting other people control it.  If you want to have a conversation with me, it will have to be without the safety net of electronics, you will have to call.  You will have to hear my voice, the hurt, and the disappointment of promises that weren't followed through.  The anger that has been long overdue. 

I feel that death is leering closely and my husband has been very lucky to live this many years with uncontrolled diabetes.  He had another insulin reaction tonight and I was at class.  It would have been hours before I would've arrived home to find him and this scares me.  I am prepared to bury my mother, but I don't think that my depression can take losing my husband too. 

Monday, October 14, 2013


this is the video of Johnny Cash singing a NIN song "hurt" not too long after his wife died.  It has to be one of the emotionally rawest songs I have ever heard and it will always be my favorite. 

I can identify with his pain on a different level.  I have never had someone really close to me die.  I have had grandparents, but I have never lost my best friend or a parent (not literally). 

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel" that I get.  I know it is a reference to drugs but sometimes I wonder if I can feel anything other than sadness, irritation, and anger. 

"everyone I know goes away in the end" one way or another.  I either push them away, leave them, or they leave me (usually emotionally way before they do physically). 

today was not a good day, if you couldn't already tell

I sat down and asked my therapist, if this was it, is this all there is to life.  Excelling at work used to make me happy until I realized that success is "what have you done for me lately".  When I left my last job I was number one at almost everything.  I told my boss, that "in a year, no one will remember what we did here".  He replied that he had hoped people would remember. I am sure that they forgot the minute I walked out the door.  School used to make me happy, now I cant wait for it to be over. 

I go to work, I come home (go to class or church) depending on the day and I come home to crawl into bed.  Rinse and Repeat.  I know that I have no one to blame for my situation other than myself.  I need to stop putting the key to happiness in someone else's pocket. 

I sometimes wonder if it just in my genetics to be unhappy. You meet people all of the time that are happy, as if they have never had a bad day in their life.  I pointed out the receptionist at the office, even with crazy patients, she just laughs it off.  Then I said, she probably goes home and drinks a 12 pack. 

Sad part is, I am sure people think the same thing about me when I am at work.  I must play the part, put on the mask....because when you work with the public, no one cares if your life is crappy as long as you give them the service they deserve. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

working with the public

I think that everyone should have to work with the public for at least one year of their life

I have started a process called a group interview, every Wednesday at 2pm people come in and fill out a basic two page information sheet about themselves, their experience with animals, and why they want to work for me.  I am not really sure why I have them fill it out except that it gives me time to get other things done while they are being busy.  I then come and join the circle and tell them about myself and why I decided to join the company. I had three people show up Wednesday, one of my people texts me to tell me she thinks that one of them is a vampire.  I walk over to join them and the girl is on her phone.  The guy closest to me seems normal, but the guy in the middle is dressed all in black, has these long, nasty finger nails.  He then proceeds to tell me that he has issues with his hands because he is an expert swordsman.  He knew everything about everything.  I wanted to tell him that I was sorry that he couldn't work for me because he got on my nerves.  He did tell me that if he didn't get the job that he was going to camp out on my awning and throw his swords at dogs as they came in....he might have been serious.

I had a lady call me on Tuesday and tell me that she had bought six parakeets and had them in a cockatiel cage.  She bought them so that they could entertain her cats but it just wasn't working out because her cats were trying to eat the birds.  She wanted to bring them in and relinquish them to us, to adopt them out to a good home.  I still haven't seen her.  I am hoping that her cats didn't eat the birds. 

Today I received a settlement check from a class action law suit for a bank that was charging overdraft fees was $2.13....woohoo, Vegas, here I come. 

My last gossip child gave her notice today.  Now I just have to pick my assistant, hope my other department manager doesn't quit and either change my new department manager or hope she quits too.  I really hate to see my turn over this year, but it is amazing how much better I feel that I have people around me that are positive, fun, and not there to cause as much chaos as they can. 

I dropped one of my classes this semester.  I am disappointed in myself but I really feel like a weight has been lifted now that I only have one class to focus on and it is leaving me time to focus on myself and enjoy some down time.

My dad has decided to run for it is back to the campaign trail that I go!!!!!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the dysfunctional christmas letter

I had an early appointment with my psychiatrist then an afternoon appointment with my therapist.  I probably should have spent that time studying but I went to the mall instead. 

I decided to have lunch and there was an elderly couple that was being held hostage by a guy at a table next to mine.  He was talking about his passport and it was going to expire in a year and a half and he didn't know what he was going to do about it.  He was talking about Michelle who was home schooling her children.  Someone else who had a new job and was training in san Diego.  I don't think that the elderly couple said two words in the time that it took for me to get my sandwich and eat it.  The guy reminded me of one of those obnoxious Christmas letters you get from people you really don't know but they feel the need to tell you about all of the great things going on in their life the past year since they sent you the last annoying letter.

This is how my family's letter would go....

Brother was thrown in jail for stalking his married girlfriend when she kicked him to the curb for a new boyfriend.  Uncle decided that he wasn't "regular" enough and so he drank an entire bottle of milk of magnesium and prune juice, then proceeded to crap all over himself.  His brother had to come over and clean him up.  Sister is trying for the world record of breaking bones.  Me, well, I have spent a small fortune on doctors to try and dig me from this depression that has taken hold of my life for the past year.  Hope you have a very Merry Christmas. 

in the drivers seat

I love that my therapist always calls me on my crap.  I was telling her about a situation that had happened over the weekend and she looks as me as says "why didn't you tell this person how angry you were".  Why, because I minimize my feelings to not hurt anyone else's.  She was asking if I was done with the situation and I was being non committal.  I would find it hard to trust this person because of the way I was treated before and that there were other factors that would make the situation not work and I know me, I would be too scared to commit.....blah, blah, blah. 

She looks at me and says "wouldn't it be nice to be the person in the drivers seat of your life".....what a unique thought.  I have always taken what people were giving.  It never occurred to me to ask for more. 

I realized how alone I had felt this past year.  Sunday I was watching Brene Brown and there was a lady that had her husband listen to one of her talks (it was 9 hours), she had been married for 23 years, she said they were on a road trip and they would stop the lecture and talk to each other like they never had in all of the years that they had been married.  Earlier in the day I had tried to get my other half to read something and he wouldn't for some reason.  Brene said that if your other half doesn't have 43 minutes to watch the life class, 10 minutes to watch a TED talk, or 2 minutes to read something then you need professional help.  I asked my other half to come in and listen to that part of the show.  He didn't get it, I said that is how I felt when you wouldn't read something that I had asked you to.  We had a long conversation that made me realize that he finally gets that I have abandonment issues.  I finally asked for what I needed and told him that I realize that I married butch and if he wasn't capable of giving me what I needed that I totally understood, but I was not willing to live the rest of my life like this.  I was giving him an out, he isn't built to be touchy feely and that is what I need to survive.  Time will tell.

Turn the page.  I always feel that actions speak louder than words.  Don't tell me that you are here for me then fall off the face of the earth for a week, that isn't my definition of being here for me....that is having your cake and eating it too.  Which my gut tells me is exactly what is happening. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Cashing out

Lately the song that I sing in my head is "I want to be sedated".  A friend tells me though that you really don't get the good drugs at "the nut hut" as he calls it.

I believe I have won the bad wife of the year award.  I kept telling my husband that he needed to get up this morning and he ignored me.  I thought he was just not talking to me. .... Nope, having an insulin reaction.   I walked out the door and went to my doctors appointment.

I have two regional visits at the end of the week and I am becoming paranoid because of krysis and their hot line calls.  
My mother had her doctors appointment and the doctor didn't show.   I wish I could call in as much as doctors do.  The appointment was rescheduled and she says she isn't going back because she knows it is bad news. 

It makes me ponder if I was going to die, would I want to know when?  I really think I would.  I would cash out, sell the house, and go live on the beach somewhere.  I wouldn't worry about flies or weeds.  I would put my butt in the warm sand and my feet in the water with my animals in tow. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013


"be prepared to modify your plan.
It'll be good for you!"

this was my fortune cookie last night

so..what kind of plans do I have?
I plan for retirement, if cancer doesn't get me first.  I am hoping that since I quit smoking that I have greatly reduced my risk.

I plan to finish school....hopefully before I turn 50

I am starting to plan my exit strategy, which will probably not be a very well executed plan more like an opportunity taken.

oh well, that is about as much time as I am going to spend on that fortune cookie. 

yesterday I realized how absolutely lonely I have felt for the last year of my life and I am sure that has not helped my depression.  I cried that I actually meant something to another human being and for once I didn't want to just fall off the face of the earth,  I spent the entire day in a house with no one to talk to except the animals, Facebook being my only social contact and to receive a phone call from someone who just wanted to hear the sound of my voice.  Wow.  I found myself smiling last night.  What?  A smile that isn't part of the mask that I have learned to wear in public so that I don't disappoint people, that would be absurd.

I then remind myself that I still have lots of work to do and I cant make any major changes for a year....blah, blah, blah.  My therapist is going to have a lot to digest tomorrow.  I have to deal with my mother dying, I cannot check out any longer and time is ticking.  I just don't want the day to come and to be filled with regrets. Unfortunately, she is the shell of the person that she was and that talking to her would be like talking to other people in my life...more dialogue, but would still end up not getting my point across and become frustrated.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

final insult

I had lunch with my dad the other day, we were discussing how mean my mother had become.  Unfortunately that was the side that she always showed to me claiming it was to keep herself from being hurt. Rodney's mother was mean to him and ironically it always made my mother mad.  I couldn't understand because I thought she was just as mean.  We were talking and I pointed out to him that he had married his mother.  We all have a MO of people that we date and usually they resemble the opposite sex parent. 

As hard as I tried not to, I married Butch.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable for me and unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, always blaming someone else (usually me).  Someone who is always saying they are going to do something and rarely follow through.

Lord, I do not want to be divorced again.  My therapist has made me promise to not make any big decisions for the year that we are in therapy. 

Let me drag out my crystal ball and tell you how this is going to end.  My mother will die, he has already said that if it has to do with my mother that he doesn't care,  This will be the final insult. 

focus your energy on the more positive things in life


yes, I know that I am suppose to be the bigger person, but sometimes it is nice to get a zinger in once in a while. 

I used to be the queen of sarcasm until one day someone pointed out that it was rude, unnecessary, demeaning, and not very Christian.  So I have kind of added that to the category of gossip...nothing positive ever comes out of it.  I have tried to explain this to people in my life, but they don't see the harm in it, so against my wishes and feelings they continue to be hateful to me (really, that is what sarcasm is...a funny way to be hateful).  I especially dislike it when I am trying to be nice to someone and think of their needs.  I was walking through a dark parking lot last night, my car has the nice feature of auto start, so I started the vehicle so that my guest would know that was where we needed to go and maybe the light would help.  We are standing 4 cars from the vehicle and I said (trying to be helpful) that the vehicle was the one with the lights on and I got the sarcastic reply of "they all have their lights on", not true, mine was the closest one with the lights on and since you rode with me I thought that you might have an idea of where the vehicle was parked.  I lost my temper at that and said it is the one right there.  We get in the car and it still amazes me how you can treat people however the feeling strikes you, but when someone else is short with you, there is hell to pay and a speech to go with it. 

I will never understand how someone can say they love you and with the same mouth call you mean things.  People in this day and age have a sense of entitlement that is hard for me to understand.  I have worked for most everything I have, I have been very lucky to work hard and had some people along the way give me a chance to prove myself.  In my world your actions far exceed your words, so you cant tell me how much you love me and then call me a bitch,  It just doesn't work that way. 

I am thankful to God for shielding my heart from these insults and I focus my energy on more positive things in life. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

dear lord

so throughout my childhood therapy sessions and the blame that I have spent my life assigning, there is one person that I have left out.  One person who long ago I mourned the loss of our relationship and spent years blaming myself for not being enough to fight mother.

things got better around the time of my first marriage and she was supportive until she wasn' ex and I had gone back and forth so many times that everyone was sick of it, my mother looked at me one day and said that I needed to go and make it work. It didn't and she was supportive to come and get me, bring me home until I got a job and moved to Tulsa...back in with my ex.  I had such a need to be punished that I could not let that relationship go, I didn't think that I deserved better and one day he would really change, proving that I was special...because I sure as heck didn't believe it. 

i think that in between the time that my mother had lung cancer and developed brain tumors that we probably had the best relationship that we would ever have.  I am glad that i had that time, but she has been radiated and cut on so much now that i don't even recognize her.  My dad called me today and said that the tumors are back, bigger, and may have even multiplied. She may have even had an aneurism. 

I had a long lunch with my dad last weekend and we spoke about her quality of life and his.  I always feared my mother, she could cut through my heart with a look, and he really thought that she had morphed into the person that she had always been without any of the pleasantries.  I always thought that he was lucky to see a side of her that most of us were never lucky enough to know. 

Dear lord, please forgive me, but her quality of life is horrible, please take her to be with you, her work here is done.  I know that i must heal my own wounds about our relationship and i have come to terms with the fact that we wont ever be close like some mother/daughter relationships.  I am fine with this, please let her go see her mother and be at peace for once in her life. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

adjusted outlook

well....between spending the weekend sick and printer issues (which I fixed, thank you very much).  I didn't do much for my birthday weekend.  I was suppose to go and have dinner with my in laws on Monday, but it was like I could only do one task at a time and then had to take a rest.  I did make it to class last night and realized that I might actually be an accountant. 

I really don't think I realized how much the toxic people in my life have just sucked the life out of me for the last year.  I hate to say it, those people have made me different to my employees.  If all you want to do is cause strife in my life, then please don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.  I had that conversation with an employee yesterday.  She started crying and telling me how she had PTSD and wasn't medicated and had all a lot of personal issues.  I just wanted to say "Lady, I have been diagnosed with it all".  I did tell her that I have spent the last year with a debilitating depression which I am either at work, in class, or in bed.  I don't feel as though any of them care about me or my issue.  I try my hardest to ensure that they get the schedule they want and I don't feel as though I get any consideration.  I know, I just transferred my feelings from other issues to my employees, but I don't really feel like bending over for people anymore.  How does that saying go?  Don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't walk across a puddle for you.  That is exactly how I feel about people these days.  Dustin tells me I am a ray of sunshine.  I feel that it is just reality.  My therapist keeps telling me that I need to look at my childhood and accept it for what it was, not what I deserved or what it should have been.  Maybe this is just how I have adjusted my entire life outlook. 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

life as of lately

Tuesday morning I wake up with a sore throat.  Wednesday I wake up with a sore throat and a cough, the kind of cough that means you are getting sick....Really????  It is my birthday week and I think that my curse has expanded from a day to a week.  I go to the doctor, he swabs my throat and nose.  I don't have the flu or strep, but I have a virus.  I get a z pack, some of that awesome cough medicine that makes me sleep like the dead, and a pain reliever.  I go to the pharmacy and off to the house to dream land. 

I haven't seen my shrink in a month.  I was suppose to go on Tuesday, but I had a call in and had to work the rest of the day.  This sends me into a tail spin of no one cares about me.  I try to do everything I can to make other people's lives easier and they could give two shakes about mine.  I am the boss, no one is suppose to care about me. 

I have decided that my sister and I have the most twisted sense of humor.  She tells me about her pathetic attempt at suicide with the bic razor and I say "why didn't you just take a handful of pills".  Please do not get me wrong, I don't want my sister to die or to leave me alone in this world, partly because she is the one who gets how messed up I am and how much it sucks.  Of course when I tell her this, we laugh wildly, she tells butch.....he doesn't see the humor in it (which makes us laugh even more).  I am sure he feels responsible for our dilemma's.  Poor man, I would not want to feel responsible for the three of his children.  My brothers shrink told him (sorry, I will probably get this wrong) that he is "incapable of dealing with real world situations".  Crap, I thought I had problems.  I think that when your therapist tells you that, you have zero options left in this world.  Sister wanted a t shirt made for him.  I would use it as my get out of jail free card....the minute I didn't want to deal I would just flip out my card (signed by my therapist of course) kindly explain that I wasn't equipped to deal with the situation and leave. 

I send my professor an email that I am unable to attend class because I am sick, I have a doctors note and would like to make up my test Monday during his office hours.  By the time that Thursday gets here I am delirious from all of the medication, simple tasks are super difficult and I am giddy.  Maybe, I was stoned.  I had a headache and took the medication that was given to me for my throat, by lunch time, my head was killing me.  I took my Excedrin migraine, headache gone.  I am in no shape to drive across town not to mention thirty minutes away.  My professor sends me an email that no, I may not make up this exam it will just be weighted into the last two tests of the year.  Ass, I drop the class.  Really, I know students pull this crap all of the time, but I am 40 years old with a 3.82 GPA, have missed only one class in my college career and I cant even get a make up with a doctors note.  My husband is pissed and is thinking of going to administration.  Oh well, hope karma bites dr. whomever in the butt.