Sunday, February 26, 2012


It is funny how the names may have changed but the story always stays the same.  I think the biggest shame in life is when people have opportunities and waste them.  I am pretty sure that i have worked for everything i have ever gotten in my life, except for my looks and well concealer really helps.

I know that god has a plan and that my plan is different than other peoples.  It really is difficult to be happy for someone who  seems to glide right through life, wasting their good fortune along the way.  Leaving behind the debris for others to clean up. 

I have had a job since i was 16.  I have had a car payment most of my life.  I don't think there were any other students i went to high school with that had a car payment....but then again most of them drove crap. 

I know that i have had various degrees of depression my entire life.  I have finally come to grip with the fact that i will be on some kind of medication for the rest of my life and that doesn't make me a loser. 

My drive to prove something to really no one other than myself exhausts me.  I don't know how to not work hard.  I have always envied people who could live with must take less energy.  I have given up perfection or at least have lowered my standards. 

Unfortunately, i have lessened the standards for people around me....not that i probably expected too much to begin with.  I always let my people explain themselves, trying to see the big picture and not jump to conclusions.  I learned that lesson from my last company and it stinks when it happens to you.  The flip side of that is when i have given you every chance in the book and you still take advantage of me, then i will write you off with the quickness.  I have succeeded at not becoming angry or bitter (for the most part).

"I want to forgive and forget....i have forgiven you, now i want to forget you" Lauren Conrad 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

free fall

love is how the other person makes you feel

I think this is why people are so passionate about their animals.  My girls don't care if i haven't showered, brushed my teeth or hair.  They never ask me what is for dinner or complain.  They always look at me like i am the greatest person on the earth......which is why the quote "god, please make me the person my dog thinks i am" is so popular.

When i was younger i somehow thought being a tortured soul was cool, mysterious. 

My parents, supposedly, made a conscious decision to raise me to be independent. 

Unfortunately, i think that means feeling as if you are always in free fall.  Really being independent means only being dependent on yourself.

I always feel as though i am falling apart, on the verge of a meltdown, and in fear of losing it all.  When you spend so much of your life with people who are damaged, your emotions are always on a roller coaster.  I still have huge control issues.  Always wanting to never be caught off guard by the next big tragedy.  Always feeling as though i must fix something and that i am never good enough to fix it.  Pushing and pulling everyone in my life, i push you away and then change my mind and pull you back.  If you are lucky enough to find a happy medium in my life, it will be at arms is just less exhausting that way.  You can not be close enough to hurt me, but close enough that i get pseudo intimacy, or perceived intimacy.  If you leave, then part of me will be thankful that the dance is over, but fearful of the impulsive decisions i make....which will lead me to my next entanglement.  Then the dance will start again with a new partner.  I had someone tell me once when we broke up "face it, if you weren't with me, then you would be with someone else....if i weren't with you, then i would be with someone else".  I remind him of that every chance i get. 

 That brings me back to my tortured soul feeling. 

I finally went and saw my doctor about my inability to focus.  He wanted to know how long i had felt like this, in which i replied, "as long as i can remember".  He asked why i had never been diagnosed before?  I felt unnoticed growing up. I don't think that my parents ever were malicious to me as a child.  I just think that they did the best job they knew how with the tools that they were given.

This is why i never had children.  I know how selfish i am.  I don't like people being very dependent on me.  It suffocates me and makes me feel claustrophobic and i want to run.   My dad always wanted me to be a nurse.  Ugh, i hate dealing with sick people, they are so needy. 

Ironically enough, i have commitment issues.  It scared the crap out of me to buy my house.....a 30 year mortgage????  I will be sixty something when i pay off my house, another ugh. 

Yin and Yang.....a relationshipist with commitment issues.  

for the love of the game

"for the love of the game"

You know, I always thought
that men and women...

should just
carry around signs.

If you're poor and you can't
afford it, you would make yours
out of cardboard and string.

And if you're rich,
you could have it lettered
in gold leaf...

or pounded out of tin
by Mexican craftsmen.
[ Chuckling ]

It doesn't matter.
But you wear them
around your neck, see?

And they say things,
like ''shallow'' or ''horny.''

It just--
It just would be
a hell of a lot easier.

What would yours say?
Inwhich she writes the word "yes"

I love movies where it shows a smart, beautiful woman who isn't all together, who seems vulnerable and apologizes for it, but not really.  It teaches me that it is okay to not be everything to everyone and to fall apart occasionally.  The world isn't a horrible place where the vultures are waiting to pick you apart at the first sign of weakness.   Most importantly it is okay to be weak, smart, beautiful, sexy, and vulnerable. 

Here are a few things that i have learned about relationships....

  • pick your battles
  • be with someone who has enduring friendships, most of the time if their family has turned their back on them, there is probably a reason why....unless they were raised by wolves and sometimes that might be preferable
  • pay attention how he or she talks about exes and past relationships (women, you aren't going to change him....please stop trying), because one day that will be you
  • we have all done things we aren't proud of, if he glamorizes it then he isn't sorry and will repeat it
  • guys, always open the door and cut the cord from your mother, it isn't sexy

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

outsider looking in

It is amazingly easy to give advice when you are on the outside.

Ironically enough the lady that cuts my hair and I had a long talk about her, her husband, me, my husband, and our codependent issues. 

I always thought people should have a butt double, a person who has a body shape just like yours so that way you could see how you looked in clothes.  It is incredibly difficult to see your butt in those dressing room mirrors, you end up looking like a dog chasing your tail.  Relationships should be like that, you should have a relationship double, it would make decisions so much easier. 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

a total eclipse of the heart

when harry met sally

Harry Burns: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry Burns: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry Burns: I was being nice.

The best relationship movie EVER.

This is a great analogy of relationships.  Some people say this is a negative view on life, my dad and i call it reality.

My dad being a divorce lawyer, me being a product of divorce and the poster child of "what not to do in a relationship" or "who NEVER to date" or "love life status constant car wreck"......

At the beginning, no one EVER thinks that a relationship will end.  I recall a time when my ex and I lived together and I was standing in the kitchen watching him mow, thinking about what an idiot he was.  Matt came over one day and mowed the lawn and i stood in the kitchen watching him mow and thought how nice it was to not be thinking about an idiot.  Fast forward, i watch him mow the lawn now and think how shocked i am that he isn't on warcraft, or what an idiot he is for sleeping all day and then waiting until the hottest part of the day to mow. 

I cannot stand having the "what to have for dinner" conversation.  This conversation is actually good for my waist line, because i usually don't have the conversation and thus nothing for dinner. 

There is a part of "when harry met sally" where harry is talking to jes about sleeping with sally.  "You sleep together, she tells me her stories, i tell her mine, but we already know each others stories, so there is nothing to talk about". 

At the beginning, you LOVE hearing each others stories.  Now, you either hope they will shut up soon so that you can push play on the dvr or you tell them you have already heard this story. 

This is why i stay.  Familiarity, i don't have to entertain, look sexy 24/7, shave, or most of the time sit in the same room. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

the celibate life

I was told the other day that i was very strong for having a blog.  This person told me they were proud of me and that they would never be able to do this.  It isnt as if i even use my real name or post it on my fb page (i am not that brave yet).  I dont think that you can control when and where you have an epiphany, which is what therapy is to me.  I like the ability to be able to sit down at the end of the day and put out into the universe whatever issue or struggle i am having at whatever particular time i want, besides it is free. 

Perception is reality, my favorite quote other than the definition of insantiy.....

Well what people perceive of my life isnt reality.  Over four years ago i was living with someone who was crazy and i was sure that if i told him to leave that he would kill me.  I met my husband, we started going to lunch, but i wouldnt let it go any further.  I really believed that there was a window of opportunity in life to meet someone and i was probably going out with some pshychopath and missed out on the really great guy.  Finally Matt gave me an ultimatium and i made my decision, which thankfully enough was presented to my soon to be ex as a weekend away.  It is amazing how well they get the hint when you turn off their phone and change the locks. 

Let this be the lesson, be a jerk to someone long enough and they will eventually kick your ass to the curb.

I really wasnt looking for anything serious, i had a few people i wanted to date.  Besides, i owned my own home, paid all of the bills, and really liked living alone.  Matt was the first person that i ever went out with that took care of things.  I didnt have to ask.  I didnt have to leave him a note and remind him.  It made life easier.  Is this what a partner is all about. 

I had spent the last decade in a relationship with crazy people that i didnt trust my own judgement about guys, so i drug him to meet every person in my life that really knew me (thankfully that would be just two, my bff and dad).  Green light, we spent more and more time together.  Matt had told me that he wouldnt have sex with someone until he knew it was the person he wanted to spend his life with (ahhh).  How charming (eye roll now).  We started dating in September.  He promised me he wouldnt make me wait unitl the new year.  We were engaged in December (my engagement ring) was my christmas present (picking out the ring, there is another story).  Still, no bedroom time.  I began to make this my personal challenge.  He then told me that he thought it would be the right thing to do to wait until we were married. 

Okay, i have my sex issues.  I had spent the last 5 years with a guy that i had to be intoxicated to have sex with.  Waiting until our wedding night, maybe this would help me with "sex is dirty" outlook. 

This is where i take responsibility for this situation that i am now in.  Matt moved in around thanksgiving, so i am thinking i should have had a permanent bruise on my back from being poked so much during the night, right????  Nope.  We messed around and i never saw him hard. 

I was so thankful to be with someone who had a job, was educated, came from a good (noncrazy) family, and was absolutely over the moon about me.  I started the countdown to get laid. 

Short story long, nothing, nada, not even a passionate kiss on my wedding night. 

Friday, February 17, 2012

the best relationship that i never had

Perception is reality.

People always want what they cant have and once they get it, they don't want it anymore. 

I will never understand this.  I was pursued by a guy for almost two years, then one day he got my attention.  He just asked me to marry him.  I (never wanting to be abandoned) said yes.  He bought me the huge ring (i thought a carat was huge), had a joint checking account, joint credit cards, we moved in together, he treated me badly, we fought, then he broke up with me.  Proceeded to go out the following weekend and along with a few other guys have sex with a chic in a car.  Ironically she got pregnant.  Oh and i forgot to tell you that once he got so drunk on a float trip with his newly acquainted sister, that he kissed her. 

I met his wife once and she gave me a very evil look.  Supposedly, he almost called her my name on their wedding day.  Clearly, she felt as though our relationship was something enviable. 

About once every couple of years, he comes along to see if there is still a chance. I then have to remind him that he treated me very badly, we were horrible together, and he was the one that broke up with me.  Ask him and he will tell you that i was the one that got away????

I often wonder if i am just programmed to remember only bad things about past relationships. 

part deux

10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much; (DENIAL)
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem;
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which would repeat feelings of our childhoods with preoccupied people who were unable to be there emotionally for us;
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we may not have picked up the drinking escape;
14. ACA's, co-dependents, ACOA's are reactors rather than actors.

10)  i have learned to anesthetize my feelings with a combination of food, alcohol, relationships, things, and anything else that i thought would work

11) I just myself very harshly.  It always seems to amaze my bosses when they see my self review and i have basically checked needs improvement on every box. 

12)I pick people based on my perception of whether they will abandon me or not.  I was with someone once and told a friend, that i knew he would never leave me.  He broke up with me and then spent the next decade telling everyone that i was the one.  He still sniffs around every once in a while.  The minute i think someone is going to abandon me, i put up the wall. 

13) ?

14) I used to procrastinate so that i could be a reactor, letting situations define my actions.  Now it just gives me anxiety and despise feeling like a victim after so many years of feeling helpless either because of my own decisions or someone elses.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

copendent countdown

The following are some of the characteristics that result in diminished happiness, creativity, and self realization
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process;
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism;
4. We become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our expectations of abandonment & inattention
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims;
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others;
8. We may became addicted to excitement;
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue";

Okay, was just wondering if two codependent people could exist in a relationship, not just exist, make the relationship a success.  Finding these 14 descriptions of codependents makes me realize that i have so far to go. 

1)  I am very isolated.  I go to work and seem to be very outgoing, but it is a situation that i kind of control.  It is my stage and i put on my game face very well.  I find it very confusing when others aren't able to hide their issues and put on their game face and perform for the audience (customers).  I come home and hide in my virtual world of texting and facebook.  It is not abnormal for me to not leave the house when i don't have school or work.  I cant tell you the last time i went to church and absolutely hate going to church on sunday, because i don't want to stand up, sit down, shake hands, and sing fifteen songs.  I want to go and hear the word of god.  I don't want to meet new people or have to be pleasing (don't i do that enough at work).

2) Absolutely, i am an approval seeker.  To have to disappoint someone is horrible for me.  If i am five minutes late to open the store, i am freaking out, because someone had to wait on me.  If my boss sends me an email about something that i am failing on, i have to really talk myself down from the anxiety of failing. 

3) angry people make me incredibly uncomfortable.  I was at a hamburger place one day and this lady was upset because a room wasn't reserved for her and she just stood there waiting to talk to the manager, i could feel how angry she was and it caused me so much anxiety.  Even though the situation had nothing to do with me, i didn't have to handle it, and she wasn't angry at me.  I couldn't calm down or sit still.   I take personal criticism better than i used to be able to, but getting in trouble is a different story.  I would almost chew off my arm than have to tell someone i did something or something happened that would get me in trouble.  This has caused me lots of grief. 

4) workaholic, yep, i have something to prove and must prove it everyday by working so hard that i am exhausted by the time that i get home.  Self fulfilled prophecy, find someone who is emotionally unavailable and reinforce the thought that you aren't worth anything.  If the person who says that they love you cant give you what you need then you must not be worth anything. 

5)Lifetime, i call it the victim network.  There is always some poor chic that is getting raped, beaten, living in poverty, has a cheating husband and then she spends the rest of the movie crying about it.  I have lived so much of my life from that viewpoint that i am sick of hearing myself complain and give advice that i don't even care to follow.  I always picked men that would most assuredly give me the starring role as the victim. 

6) which is why i have always been in management.  Nothing like feeling personally responsible for 15 people and the hundreds of customers that walk into your front doors every day.  Dissecting every interaction as to what was your fault and how you can carry the blame.  It is so much easier to focus on the problems of others than yourself. 

7)  I am not sure if guilt is the correct word.  Anxiety for the impending confrontation, or that i have to become so angry in order to stand up for myself.  Letting lots of little things pile up until i explode and therefore losing all credibility with the other person because i sound like a mad women who chose to freak out about the towel on the floor instead of being able to communicate that i am not getting what i need. 

8)  addicted to excitement...see number 5. 

9)  I once had a lady that told me her daughter picked up men like puppy dogs.  The bad boys were my crusade, thinking they had some hidden soft side that they would deem me special enough to share this side with me. 

continued tomorrow

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


My mother never made it a habit of lying to me.  I once asked her if santa clause was real and she said "no". 

I remember the last Christmas my mother and adoptive father were together.  I looked at the presents under the tree and was so excited to open them.....then i did....that was it. 

I don't remember having a birthday party.  Holidays have never really been a deal to me, working retail, Christmas was always a stressful event to survive. 

My birthday is usually the most horrible day of the year.  It is my personal Friday the 13th.  If someone even mentions my birthday, i immediately shush them as if "they" might hear and come and destroy my day. 

Valentines day...i don't know if i ever remember it being a special day.  I like how everyone has started  calling it "singles awareness day".  It seems like a lot of pressure to produce grandiose results.  I think men should give their women flowers on random days when it isn't expected.  Buy a card that doesn't cost $5 and wish her "happy random thursday". 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

death, grief, and food

sometimes the most difficult thing is watching someone you care about hurt

A good person i had the pleasure of meeting when i switched companies just lost his mother in law.  I never know what to say except, i am here, tell me what you need, and i am sorry.  It seems like lip service and not even adequate for the situation, almost patronizing. 

I think there are some things that are sacred.  I think that if you want to pay your final respects and view the body, you should go to the funeral home.  I don't want people i don't know gawking at my dead body at the funeral.  I don't need or want to hear their commentary. 

Why is it when a tragedy happens we all want to feed the grieving family.  When i am sure eating is the last thing they want to do.  I am guilty of it as well, but figure that it is my dysfunctional relationship with food and using it as a coping skill. 

My inefficiency to handle grieving and wanting to fix the issue comes from my codependency and my inability to deal with negative emotions.  Any emotion other than happiness makes me very uncomfortable.  I find it very difficult to disassociate from the person and their feelings, not taking responsibility for the cause or the cure as if the situation was my own. 

The only thing that has made me be able to detach myself and not become personally involved in the outcome of these people with negative emotions (most i have no personal connection with other than coworkers or customers) is that these people usually make a life of sucking the life out of other people and having them feel and be responsible for their lot in life. 

Monday, February 13, 2012


Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

My absolute favorite part of desiderata.   I read this almost 15 years ago and it amazes me every time i am around someone who is trying to invade my boundaries. I immediately pull back and this phrase comes to mind. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

My next favorite part of desiderata.  It is astounding how much time is wasted comparing ourselves to others, wanting what others have.  It is a shame how many years it took for me to get comfortable in my own skin and not be defined by what i did, what i owned, or who i knew. 

"Character is what you do when no one is looking" should be changed to "what you do when you think no one you know is looking".  My dad was born and raised in this town, so were my in laws, and my mother has lived here since the early 70's.  I took my husbands last name, but don't tell people unless they ask (kind of like what i do).  Every time i see someone who makes a total ass of themselves over something inconsequential, i smurk, knowing that i have just seen their true selves. 

My mother in law was a state representative for many years and is well known.  I went to a bar b que and saw a lady who was a real ass to me one day, the look on her face when she figured out who i was (priceless).  Strangely enough, she was never an ass to me again....wonder why???

Sunday, February 12, 2012

something to prove

Narcissists are addicts. They are no different to drug addicts. They are in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as "narcissistic supply". Everything and EVERYONE around them is an object, a potential source (to be idealized) or not (and, then to be cruelly discarded).

In turn you could say that i was an addict as well, addicted to the high of the narcissist relationship and trying to fix the low.  Which would explain the sudden transition between the two.  Once the focus stopped consistently being all about the other person, i would be the one to blame.  The guilt motivating me to give more and more trying to make up for my conceived wrongdoings. 

It makes you wish that relationships were more black and white, people said what they meant and meant what they said.  Wouldn't it be refreshing to meet someone and have them say "I like you, but not enough to commit.  I will tell you that i love you, but will be gone the instant that something better comes along."  Knowing my dumb ass, i would've tried to change them and make them stay and love me.  Proving that i must be special. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

balance and boundaries

People involved in top-quality relationships do not seek happiness. Instead, they seek growth. Growth, in turn, creates happiness.

I have issues with boundaries and balance.  I am to one extreme or another and usually end up upset with the situation when i have given too much or feeling guilty because i didn't give enough.  Guilt is a huge motivator.  You can guilt anyone into doing almost anything.  I don't think that i ever knew how to set realistic and healthy boundaries for myself.  I don't like confrontation so i don't usually call people on their crap.  I hate that God seems to keep putting me in situations where i have to face these difficulties. 

Case in point.  Someone whom i thought was concerned about my emotional well being sent me a text and wanted to make sure i was okay....then it turned into a "what are you wearing" kind of conversation.  Really???  It is amazing what kind of people crawl out of the woodwork when they find out you haven't had sex in almost 5 years.  Here is some more advice for all of  you guys out there, asking a girl about her gag reflex isn't a great seduction technique either. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

love what god gave you

Marilyn Monroe was 5'5" and weighed at her heaviest 140 in the movie "lets make love" (which i just finished watching and she looked far from fat).  If alive today she would have worn a size 8 to 12.   This is the woman that is synonymous with sex and beauty. 

I wear a size 12 and have fought my weight my entire life.  I went to the doctor a month ago and got on the scale....171!!!!!  Needless to say my donut/frozen yogurt diet ceased immediately.  I am about 5'6" and cant tell you the last time i was below 150 (i think i was married to my first husband over a decade ago). 

I still struggle with body dis morphia, but have learned to be less codependent on what size jeans i fit into and more focused on wearing clothes that make me feel good (no matter what size i happen to be that day).  I can remember sitting on the floor and crying because i thought i was so fat in high school (eye roll).  I wished i would have learned to love my body instead of spending all of those years hating it.  Waiting to start my life until i was able to be a size 8 again.  Spending days depressed and not going anywhere because i couldn't fit into my jeans. 

I decided to stop hating my body and start loving what god gave me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

cleaning up

Utilitarian.  I was describing dog shoes to a customer on the phone and stated that i had some that were fashionable and some that were utilitarian....he didn't understand. 

There is one thing that i am grateful to my adoptive father for and that he was educated and he was a reader.  I love to read, it is the thing that i crave to do with little free time that i have.  I used to subscribe to tons of magazines in order to read with little time.  Then the magazines became something for me to do when Matt drove so that i didn't tell him how to drive or have a nervous breakdown because of his driving.  I felt bad for killing the environment with all of that paper and had no free time when i started back to school, so i cancelled all of my subscriptions. 

I used to drive my adoptive father crazy when i was in high school and thought i was so cool.  I would be talking in my teen ways of "like" and "you know".  It amazed me how long into adulthood that i carried that habit and became acutely aware of how unprofessional and uneducated it made me sound.  Profanity, like cigarette smoke, is something that is unbearable to me now.  Ironically i used to love doing both. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


forgiveness (thank you aunt dani)

when you know better, you do better.....oprah

I saw first hand what not forgiving can do to a person.  My adoptive father spent almost two decades being mad at my mother for leaving him when he was emotional unavailable and unable to be in a monogamous relationship (ironic, i know).  My mother went on and married an amazing man whom i call my father.  She was happy (as happy as my mother ever was). 

I know that it is so easy to say that forgiveness has more to do with the forgiver than the forgivee, but this is the reality.  If you don't forgive and let go of the anger than the forgivee wins, they change who you are.

Case in point.  I was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.  I am sure that he cheated on me on more than one occasion.  He finally found a better deal and left.  It was the worst heartbreak of my life and of course he didn't shed a tear.  I once freaked out at the grocery store because i thought his truck was in the parking lot.  I was consumed with anger over the situation and how he treated me.  I recently facebook stalked him and see that he married this chic.  I asked one of his former friends, why he didn't tell me that she was so homely looking? His reply, would it have made you feel better?  No, no one wants to be cheated on with an ugly chic.....not good for the self esteem. 

The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference....this is forgiveness. 

dont borrow trouble

relationships have inertia, they either start out right or wrong and will continue to go that way unless something huge happens to distort their course.....the trick is to realize which course you are on before it is too late

I heard on the radio tonight about a man that confessed his sins a thousand times.  The preacher told him that he should only confess his sins once and thank god 999 times for forgiveness. 

Regret is useless.  I always think that i made the right decision at the time with the information that i had.  Now, if i could only get my worry into perspective.  Once my parents went with me to court and mother had just had some of her lung removed.  She still smoked and coughed continuously.  There was a man sitting next to her that asked if she was sick and said that he had a baby at home and didn't need to be around sick people.  She told him no, but continued to cough.  Finally he moved and i am sure that he said something about her continued coughing.  I always admired the Sugarbaker lady on Designing Women that had the ability to put people in their place.  I am the Monday morning quarterback of being able to put people in their place.  I am able to come up with lots of witty things to say.....after the fact.  My mother later said that she didn't realize that she coughed that much.  I always felt bad for saying or doing something for making my mother feel bad. 

The older i get, the more of a germaphobe i become.  My ex roommate used to have this complex dance she did when going to the bathroom.  She would get her papertowel, turn on the water, wash her hands, dry her hands, use the papertowel to turn off the water, use the papertowel to open the door, and then hold the door open with her foot and throw the paper towel away.  I now do this as well. 

Salt and Pepper shakers, i like salt on my onion rings, i eat onion rings with my fingers, i wonder when the last time the salt and pepper shakers have been washed (probably never). 

Monday, February 6, 2012

nature vs nuture

you ever notice how mental illness in a family is like a tornado, debilitating and consuming one person and the other unafflicted (beyond the shrapnel of living with a person with mental illness)

Schizophrenia is rampant in my adoptive family.  My brother and sister suffer from bipolar and my sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia as well. 

I so looked up to my sister when i was young.  She was the girl that everyone wanted to be in school.  She was the head cheerleader, always stylish, and she carried herself with such confidence. 

Fast forward (this is where my codependency comes in), she has taken the blinders off and has a crystal clear view of the world and her life.  It scares the crap out of her and i so want to make it all better for her.  Sister always had such a rose colored view of the world, able to manipulate anyone, anywhere to serve her needs (and make people like doing it).  I don't want her to live in my world of back stabbing, negativity, and people with agendas.  It isn't that i don't think that she is equipped, i don't want her to hurt or be scared and have to travel that long hard road (i keep trying to find a way off of it). 

I know that she must find her own way and there is such freedom in knowing that you are able to stand on your own two feet. 

Saturday, February 4, 2012

totally off the subject

conspiracy theorists

I realize that i suffer from some paranoia, but some people absolutely have too much free time.  Someone has deciphered the dollar bill, the Latin under the pyramid is translated to read "new world order".  Maybe this is what is wrong with today's economy, people should spend less time investigating their money and more time spending it. 

My husband watches a lot of scifi and has a fascination with UFOs.  If you ever have nothing better to do with your time and want to prove your sanity, you must watch Ancient Aliens.  Where they explain that the red sea parting was the jet propulsion of a UFO.  When the Israelites were crossing the desert, the shade wasn't caused by clouds, it was the shadow from an alien aircraft.  If the outlandish story doesn't get you, the seriousness that these people talk about these findings is incredible. 

I live in a world where i don't need to know everything or everyone that may or may not be a threat to me.  Which is why i don't watch the news, it is depressing and bad for my general outlook on life.

Friday, February 3, 2012

letting go

it is funny how easy it is to be an outsider looking in and be able to see things so clearly, perspective.  It really makes me stand back and take a look at my actions, surroundings, and decisions. 

Integrity is what you do when no one is looking. 

I had a conversation with a coworker yesterday about a person we used to work with and the unethical things this person did.  My coworkers view of the situation was when you mess with a snake don't be surprised when you get bit. 

I recently learned that i should pay more attention to my first impression and especially to my gut feeling.  I was played by a friend.  It is amazing how easy it is for people to tell you all the things you want to hear and how easy you fall for it.  It doesn't shock me that this happens, but it does shock me when i mean so little to someone that it was easy to destroy a friendship for them to try and get what they wanted.

I spent months telling myself that i was such an idiot to fall for it, to not trust my instinct that told me he was full of crap, and trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  In the past i would have continued this behavior of beating myself down (there is something familiar and comforting with the pain).  I now consider myself lucky that i dodged a bullet and the problem is with the this person, not with me.  I am a kind, giving person, and i don't want to be jaded and suspicious of other people.  I lived too long in that world, always trying to figure out what people's agenda was, wondering who was going to put the next knife in my back.  I don't ever want to live in that world or be that person (i didn't like that person).  I wish him god's love and god's luck and let him go. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

good luck charm

it is what it is

seems to be the "whatever" for this decade. 

It is amazing how easy it is to get caught up in a fear, a worry, or some other tragedy.  I know that i am suppose to give it to god, for he already has the day planned out.  Where is the line between giving it to god (letting his will be done) and just using that as an excuse.  God gave us minds, bodies, and the ability to think for ourselves so that we could reason some issues, right??  I know that i cannot control the future and every time i have tried, it has been an absolute disaster!!!  I also know that there is a lesson to be learned in every situation.  Really??? I would like a break.  I feel that i have learned enough lessons, i am tired of learning, aren't there other people to teach??? 

I am exhausted and haven't quite worked through all of the lessons that i have already lived through.  Maybe i should just pray for the ability to give it to god, because i am obviously not getting this lesson. 

I didn't like the roller coaster today.  I couldnt find my ability to just sit down, buckle up, and enjoy the ride. I fretted and fought the process. I am so scared that if i don't worry about the worst happening then i wont be prepared (even though i am not sure what being prepared will do for me, other than i wont be caught off guard).

When i was first promoted to store manager, i woke up early one morning on the day of a DM visit and started to panic.  I talked myself out of that panic, because we had all worked so hard, it would be a good visit.  It was one of the worst visits of my career.  My boss sat me down and told me he would fire me within the year (this was after he almost broke his neck trying to walk through my electrical room).  This is when i learned to always panic, it is almost like a good luck charm. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I have made a career out of disappointing people. 

I am not sure what kind of payoff i get by telling people i will do things and not following through, but i have spent a lifetime doing it.   I have lost friends and credibility because of it. 

I have always had a self defeating view on my life, setting myself up for failure. I am sure that has something to do with my low self esteem.  I almost know the minute when i tell someone that i will do something that it wont happen.  I read somewhere once that procrastination made people feel important to have to rush around at the last minute to complete projects, chores, etc.  The only problem is lately, it only makes me feel anxiety.  It is almost like when you go on a trip, i spend the first 30 minutes after i leave home trying to remember what it is i have forgotten to pack.  The minutes before i go to sleep and the minutes after i wake up, i try to think of the things that i have forgotten to do or the people that i have disappointed.  I cannot handle that anymore, so it motivates me to do what i say i will do, or at least be more realistic about not being everything to everybody.