Friday, August 31, 2012

realistic view

"someone, somewhere is happier with less than you have"

today, i lifted my rose colored glasses and painted a realistic view of what my future would have been and needless to say i started to see the silver lining of the clouds

it was probably helpful that today is the first day in 2 weeks that i didn't sound like Darth Vader when i took a breath, i still feel as though someone is sitting on my chest though

i found out a guy that used to work for me died of pneumonia, he was 25, a senior in college and such a bright young man.  I cant help but think that the last time that i spoke with him, he had a falling out with his family and was living on his own.  I really hope that he was able to reconcile with his family before he became sick.  I cant imagine a mothers grief from having to bury a child, but to do so with strife in the relationship. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

rinse and repeat

so, i started seeing a shrink and the only thing that i have figured out that he is good for is to write dr can do that, but since he has been charged with sexual battery, he may not be practicing longer.  Which is really a shame, since i felt as though he was more concerned with my well being. 

I am going to have to find a counselor. 

i feel as though my days are rinse and repeat and the monotony makes me want to put a bullet in my head (not literally), but there is very little that i get excited about and that is sad.  I know that school is a means to an end, but i wonder about that decision.  I am taking a tax accounting course and the instructor is about as helpful as superglue.  I have two online classes that seem interesting enough, but the reading just puts me to sleep.  I need a challenge and my over scheduled life is leaving me too much time to think about my unhappiness. 

My birthday is coming up and i always reflect on the past year. I think that 2012 was a year i could have done without.  I was played, served my husband with divorce papers, well i am right back where i started from.  Blah. 

I did manage to get my associates, that i was way too tired to walk the stage for. 

I feel as though everything in my life is one step forward, two steps back and it has become absolutely exhausting. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

fake it

i am about to go and see my shrink

i feel so broken, i feel like a functioning alcoholic, i am able to get up and go out into the real world and behave as if i have it all together, faking it until i somehow make it, but i feel like a fraud, waiting for someone to find me out

it gets exhausting trying to keep up appearances, i get scared to make the wrong decision so i make no decisions until the decisions get made for me then i can just say that it wasn't meant to be

i have been sick for 2 weeks, spent the last 5 days hiding out in my house, sleeping my day away, usually this would make me feel guilty, but i have found it a nice get out of jail free card

i have been putting memories away in a mental box to wrap up with a pretty bow to give to god, memories of what was, what was meant to be, and what will never be

tomorrow i will have to get up and face the big, bad world and all i want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away

someone please wake me when the pain has gone away

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

not good enough

"what a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours" renee olstead

a friend used to tell me that you are always one phone call away from a bad day

The past 2 weeks have been difficult.  I have been sick (except for the day and a half grace that i received).   My bff asked her husband for a separation.  The semester is now in full swing and i haven't had the energy to throw myself back into the grind. 

I have a friend who has spent the most of his married time to his wife living apart.  He didn't understand why his wife just doesn't tell him that she wants a divorce.

I am an expert at romanticizing a situation.  I have always found it difficult to walk away from someone because i was scared that they would give what i didn't get to the next person therefor proving i wasn't good enough.  Reality, they didn't have it to give at that time and it had little to do with me. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

measuring up to reality

I feel as if much of my childhood I was collateral damage.  The casualty of a war that was fought between Butch and my mother.  I get that you cant help the baggage that you carry around, but it would have been nice if all of their baggage had not have become mine. 

My mother had a son before me.  It has been decades since i have seen or talked to him.  I sometimes feel lost not having any kind of relationship with people who share my blood.  I have a biological father that i haven't seen in decades either.  An uncle that has llamas that live in his trailer in Louisiana (not a joke) an Aunt in California that i haven't spoken to since i moved back home.  I wonder if this why i feel adrift, having no real connection of family.  People whom i share common traits with, that i can see myself in, and know why i am the way that i am.  Nature vs Nurture.  I would love to see my father and know that i have his eyes.  To have a half brother and maybe feel some bond. 

Maybe this is just another fantasy concocted in my head that never really measures up to the reality of it all.


i had my epiphany today, codependent............being happy regardless of what mood others around you are in. 

I grew up in a household in which people were rarely happy.  My mother was always angry and my adoptive father was either checked out, acting inappropriately, or angry himself.  I don't think that i felt that it was my fault, i just felt ignored and helpless.  When my mother finally left, my adoptive father was so upset.  I was happy when they told me they were getting divorced.  I then became angry with my mother for causing my adoptive father so much sadness.  I can remember him sitting on the floor crying after their phone calls.  I felt uncomfortable with so much emotion, immediately wanting to take away his pain.  

When Butch came in the picture, i instantly became daddy's girl.  I am sure that my mother felt betrayed and i don't recall ever feeling close with her again.  I instantly hated my mother for causing Butch so much pain (when you get older you realize there are 2 sides to every story). 

I became Butch's crutch, feeling responsible for his emotional well being.  I became the care taker. Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. 

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my childhood. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

aunt flo

personal pet peeves.....gum smacking and people who try to conduct business while talking on their cell phone

there is a lady on the phone while trying to speak to the receptionist at the doctors office today......really, what is more important than your doctor's appointment

about 3 years ago i went through a really stressful period in my life and aunt flo stopped visiting.  My period has been hit and miss (mostly miss) ever since.  I have looked at it as a blessing in my life and really thought that i was approaching menopause since the big 4 0 is right around the corner.  According to the doctor what is convenient to me isn't so great for my body and increases my chance of cancer.....i now am on the pill like a 16 year old. 

Good news, doctors have decided that there is no logical reason to have aunt flo visit for seven days, so now i only have to see her on the weekend.

the path

a lady that comes into my store lost her husband a year ago, then lost her niece three months after that

i often talk to this lady and she is such an inspiration, she told me a story about an older lady that left her purse in a shopping cart.

Terry was walking up to walmart and the lady had finished loading her groceries and was getting in her car, Terry noticed that the lady had left her purse.  She stopped the lady and gave her the purse.  The lady thanked her and started to fall apart, telling her about how she had lost her husband and how everyone has told her that she should be over it by now.  Terry told her that no one should be able to tell her when to get over something and her only job was to keep up with her purse.  She told me that it was as if a load of bricks had been lifted from the lady's shoulder.  It was as if the thought of being able to fully grieve her husband had NEVER occurred to her. 

Terry's therapist has been telling her that it is time for her to get over grieving for husband as well.....funny how god puts people in our paths.