missing my childhood

I heard neil diamond the other day. my mother adored neil diamond.

today on the way back from my therapists, I had google play some neil diamond. She had an album when I was younger and she would play it and I always tried to find the song and never had any luck. It was the first song that played today. it was a beautiful day today, a day that she really would have liked.

I am still finding pennies and thinking of her. after the plaque hostage situation last month, I was a bit shaken. I found quite a few pennies. I dismissed one because I found it on the floor at the dollar tree and it was right in front of the register. I thought about keeping it but then suddenly became concerned what the people behind me would think so I gave it to the cashier. for some reason I doubt the people behind me were thinking nothing other than if they were going to get checked out before the cashier died. she was a little too old to be working a cash register and it made me wonder did she not have a retirement, did her husband leave her to fend for herself. it made me sad, thinking that I don't want to be ringing up dollar items in a bright green shirt at her age but if I don't get my finances together this will be me.

my therapist asked me what it was like to have no father in my life growing up. it made me mad that I didn't have a childhood. I was happy when my parents decided to divorce. the tension was always so thick in the house. I am sure this is why I have anxiety. then my mom left and I was left with butch who spent his time being angry about everything. to this day I get anxious around angry people. when my mom left I was 9, I took care of myself. I got myself up to go to school. I did laundry. butch either had weekend warrior, late night classes on Tuesday and Thursday, or he was coaching baseball that I was usually alone or lived at my best friends house.

lol, I thought they were so rich. I lived in a trailer house and was lucky if I had more than 2 pairs of pants to wear (this might explain why I am a clothes horse now). My best friend could go an entire week without doing laundry. her mom was a stay at home mom and she cooked at least 2 meals a day. I was lucky if there was milk or cereal. butch would buy groceries at the first of the month and that lasted all week. heck, I buy 2 gallons of milk and I am lucky if that lasts all month. I really cant judge though, I am horrible at managing my money and I know that I wouldn't have any money at the end of the month.

I wonder if I will ever get over these issues. the self esteem and anxiety are the worse ones for me.

I told my therapist once that I didn't feel like I was good enough, she asked me what good enough meant. I still am not sure.

inconvenience

so it has been a very, very long time. I have gotten away from blogging but I think that I need this online therapy,

I went and saw my therapist today, about a month ago my ex step dad's new wife contacted my husband about some plaques that mother had. She told my husband that she didn't want to upset me but wanted me to know that she had stored away the plaques. I then sent her a message and asked her if it were okay if I could come and get them. She said that would be great. I asked her what day and she told me which day of the week she is the least busy. Time went by, I got busy, but joe remembered the plaques and sent her a message wanting to know if it was a good time to come by. She replied that he needed to contact my ex step dad and that she was staying out of the situation. I sent her a message telling her that I really appreciated everything that she had done for me and I am sorry that I had caused any issues. My therapist asked me why I was sorry, she was the one that initiated contact. Once again this is my reaction to anyone when I feel as though I have been an inconvenience to them. Since I have spent most of my life feeling like an inconvenience.

Someone posted today what would I tell my younger self. I would tell myself to not allow people to discount me, that they don't determine my worth. I really wish I could teach my older self this.

I allow my mother's husband make me feel like I am an inconvenience and a disposable person. I declined to contact him about the plaques because I know that I will just get upset and who knows if I will actually even receive the plaques. I just decided to not participate in this immature game.