Thursday, June 23, 2016

Good day

My definition of a good day these is days is not getting committed.

Joe got off work this morning. We took a shower and off to tahlequah we went. I somehow spilled water all over my crotch and looked as though i have urinated all over myself. After my last trip to the doctor. I wasn't concerned about being on time or much else. I assumed being "worked in" for an appointment was pretty much like stand by and i wasn't very hopeful.

We were called back before i even finished our paperwork. The nurse did the usual, took blood pressure, checked my pulse. We sat until we were called to his office. The doctor immediately made me feel at ease. He listened, asked questions, brought up things that were mentioned before. He is weaning me off my meds and putting me back on what i had originally taken.

On the way home, i called the vet and made an appointment to have paisely put to sleep. Joe had to put her in the back of the car. She was wearing her pink collar. I don't really remember walking into the room.  Doc gave her a sedative, i didnt realize how long it had been since i had heard her breathe normally. She tried to sit down, her legs trembled as they usually do. I helped her sit. I kept her head in my hands and face on her forehead, her head became heavy so  I laid her head on joe's shoe. Risch came in and put her on the table. He shaved her front leg, injected her. It didn't take her long to be gone. I kissed her head and walked to the front desk, everyone was quiet. I paid the bill. Joe and i walked out the front door. I hugged him so tightly and cried.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Lunch box conundrum

I do not understand when you call someone and you know your number is in their phone but they answer as if you are a total stranger.

My boss used to do this. I then felt the need to explain who i was and where i was calling from. I am an effective communicator. I have a plan when i speak which is an obstacle when i am in therapy.

I love it when someone calls and has not a clue why they are calling. I want to tell them to get their thoughts together and call me back.

My husband is the worst. I know i am deaf, blind  and forgetful. He sends me a text and will call me to tell me what the text said. I dislike talking on the phone as my sister likes to points out (eye roll).

It is not unusual for me to have several missed calls and unanswered text messages. I am also bad about deleting text messages when i know it is just the usual drama/excuses.

It's another one of my double standards. I can be late for work but become highly irritated when other people are late.

Which reminds me, i was early this morning. Hair curled (i always think of the curly red hair girl on peanuts), lunch (which i forgot to eat), breakfast and my beloved diet dp ($1 any size). I was excited to enjoy my breakfast and fountain drink. 6 feet away from the car i dropped my diet dp and it exploded like last year's pumpkin. I just walked on, devastated. I carry my huge bag with 40 oz if water. A lunch box with my beloved pb&j, ice pack, and another water because it must be cold. I really need to find a bigger lunch's the goldilocks conundrum.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Needing relief

The rest of the story.

I decided to come home go back to bed and start the day again.

This time i wanted to feel the pain, physical pain, i wanted to feel something other than sadness. There was no one's attention to be had. I want to have the physical wounds to match the internal wounds.

This time i ended up in minor emergency, 6 stitches. People asked what i did, i cut myself. Deedee told me they would try to commit me, no. I think they were too busy or maybe i don't look like a crazy person. She couldn't believe that i was able to leave by myself. Issue is, who would i call. Joe was at work. I suppose i could've picked a random number in my phone for someone to come and pick me up.

Deedee found a place that offered yoga and paddle boarding. It is now her mission to find somewhere for me to take a break.

I was in the car, late again for work. The radio was talking about pain management, the doctor said there was no magic pill to make the pain disappear. The patient learns to live with the pain. This message was my warning that my pain will never go away. It will be my cross to bear.

I keep thinking about what my therapist said. I need to stop reaching out to fill the hole inside me. I have to fill that myself. I told her i didn't know how to do this. I still don't.  I am not sure there is any viable pieces left.

Friday, June 17, 2016

No help for me today

I am now crying. I was holding out for this appointment to somehow get some telief.

I wanted to tell the lady at the counter that i was drowning, show her my arm and beg for someone, somewhere to make it all go away.

I have been up since 5:30, drove all the way to tahlequah. I don't care that he has had this day off for a long time. Seriously, one would think that last week he would remember that this day would be so important when he agreed to make this special appointment.

I didn't tell the lady this as i noticed she looked down when she told me she was sorry. She was just secretly hoping that i wouldn't cause a scene because she had to be the bearer of bad news. She didn't care as i haven't cared when people told me their long drawn out stories.

I know i have zero recourse. I want to tell someone off but it isn't their fault as she told me that she didn't know who had made the appointment for me....why yes, i stole an appointment card so that i could get up at 5;30 this morning, drive 45 minutes to sit for 45 minutes to be dismissed.


Today is the day that i my new psychiatrist. I woke up early. Actually arrived early. I have a list of meds. I hope that he will change them and make me feel normal, not really sure what that is but it can't be this constant tiredness that i feel.
I am also hoping that he will let me keep my anxiety meds so that when my anxiety is at its peak that i am so irritable that i get on my nerves. I can take one of those magical pills and make it all go away.

I am standing outside the door with 2 lady's now. Two of us are using our phones to distract ourselves so that we don't have to talk to each other. We are waiting for the one person who has a key. I wish there was a chair. I am tired and now want to go home. I know my people hate me for always being late.

A man just walked in, he has grey hair. He is wearing cargo shorts, plaid flannel shirt and the hip shoes the 20 somethings wear that look like bowling shoes. He is pacing at the window even though i told him they just walked in. The lady has come to the window, he is now flipping through pamplets. Geez, i hate it when people are standing at the door before i am open. Yes, i see you looking down at your watch then looking at me. I have also seen you walk in then walk out to look at the opening sign when the other door won't open.

I now have a lady standing in front of me who hasn't slept in 5 days. I am not sure what her and the lady at the counter decided on but she left.

Another lady has come in, she might be older it is hard to tell due to her love of taning. She looks like a smoker even though i can't see the tell tale signs of wrinkles around her mouth.

The lady who can't sleep is back. I am thinking it would be ironic if she just fell asleep in the waiting room. Bless her heart, she really does look as though she hasn't slept in awhile.

I have thrown the woman at the counter a curve ball. Apparently the good doctor doesn't work on friday. I am armed with my appointment card. Ah, she found me. She tells me that she doesn't know when the dr will be in. I am hoping that he didn't forget my appointment.

The tv is now playing an advertisement about sleeping pills. The insomniac is watching. I would be crying if i were her. She can't sleep and all i want to do is sleep.

Norman, that is the guy in the flannel. The nurse has monotonly said his name to call him to the back where i am sure he will sit and wait which doesn't seem like his fortay.

A lady with a cold play bag has now come in, a man in overalls, a lady with love of camo with a minor who is wearing a screaming chicken shirt. I am sure he has no idea what a firebird even is, let alone rode in one. He will never know how cool we thought burt reynolds and the "you really like me" girl were at the time. He will never know the fun of ttops and having to store them so they didn't scratch.

The insomniac went to the counter and is now sitting under the tv that is playing another advertisement about insomnia. They have called her to the counter and the lady has just told her she will call the pharmacy. Apparently they have changed her meds. She is looking for a prescription of clonzapam....good luck if you aren't a patient. Now they are having a conversation about controlled substances. Geez, i hope she doesn't have a gun. A fatigued woman looking for sleeping meds should not be messed with. She can't remember her previous medication. We all know the drill of submitting a med and hoping that someone, somewhere will approve the script. It is friday, everyone is going to leave at noon. Good luck. She has now called her husband to find out what meds she wants to refill. We are now spelling the name. I know the name of my sleep meds......they are VERY important without them i will have panic attacks in the middle of the night. She is still at the counter, the lady's are desperate to have her leave. I have a feeling she will be back.

I think my doctor just walked in......uh, no. It is now 15 minutes past. Now i an getting reschedule....well back to sleep i go.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Embracing myself

I am sitting here watching the yaya sisterhood.

I always thought that sandra bullock's relationship with her parents had closely resembled mine with my mom and step dad. Rodney being the only one who could feel my pain. My confidante, my safe place, and the buffer between mother and i. He was the consistent person in my life. I attribute what sanity i have to him.

One of my groomers is getting a divorce. I sent her an old song by reba which pretty much sums up the break up of a relationship.

You'll never be knowing him like you'll be knowing him now.

I have embraced my mother and that i am her reincarnated. I just didn't realize that acknowledging my true self would make me lose the only person that i thought i had in my corner.

Unfortunately. He will never be knowing me like he'll be knowing me now.

Body butter

FYI, raw shea butter smells like ass.

I have been reading about detox baths. My whole body ached a couple of months ago so i went to the drug store and bought some epsom salt. I soaked for twenty minutes. I am not sure that it did any good but having dry skin i was concerned about clogging my now detoxified pores. I found an organic lotion recipe.

I ordered all of the ingredients. I received them a few months ago so yesterday i played mad scientist. I first wanted to make sydni's bath bombs. One of the girls had made her some bath salts for Christmas and i noticed the jar was empty. That project turned out perfectly.

The body butter has been a two, sorry three day endeavor. I made it exactly like the recipe (yes mother i actually used measuring cups). I was suppose to use a double boiler or melt all of the ingredients in a pan on low. I use the path of least resistence of the pan. I pour it all in a jar and wait. The result was a far cry from the anticipated results or the picture.

The lotion set up like concrete. I put the jar in the microwave on 20%, who needs a double broiler, melted it all again. I started adding oils and mixing it all together waiting for a meringue consistency. It looked more like cream cheese icing, which everyone thought it was and thankfully no one tried to eat the concoction.

Today the bowl went back in the microwave at 20%. I added coconut oil, almond oil, and LOTS of orange essential oil. Whipped it all together and finally have the consistency i had envisioned. I added more orange oil so it now smells like orange ass.

I rubbed it into my hands and it is oily enough. The moral to the story is just buy crisco. You will save time, money, effort, and 3 days of people trying to posion themselves.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Baby daddy

I felt bad yesteday because i accused a crackhead of stealing.

I thought about calling her today and apologizing but thought why stir up a hornets nest.

Today, here she comes. She is still tweaking and i am still scared she is going to shank me. I sent ryan out there and told him to just give her the money back and make her leave.

She is such a tweaker that she gave me an anxiety attack. She is from Missouri, why she has decided to darken my door is beyond me.

My niece posted today that she is pregnant. Everyone on social media is congratulating her. I want to slap those people, this isn't the best thing ever.

She is due on November 2nd and she can't wait to have a family with shaquan. Wonder if he will be out of jail by then.

My tax dollars at work.